Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 4

01d: John Goodman / Ja Rule

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Seth Meyers
Mighty Mack…..John Goodman
Elwood Blues…..Dan Aykroyd

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

On Monday, Attorney General John Ashcroft issued a terrorism warning, advising all Americans to be on high alert this week. On Friday, he announces that the period of high alert may be extended indefinitely. I think I speak for all Americans when I say: “Bitch, I can’t be more alert than I already am. I’m opening my mail with salad tongs, I take my passport in the shower with me, I’m watching so much CNN that I’m having sex dreams about Wolf Blitzer. How about this? You stay on high alert, and I’ll go freeze my head like Walt Disney and you can wake me up when all of this is over, alright?”

This week, Reverend Jesse Jackson called for a nationwide Halloween boycott, saying that instead of trick-or-treating, we should spend the night with our families. No word yet on which of his families Jackson was referring to.

In light of recent events, the company that syndicates “Seinfeld” has pulled the episode of the show in which George’s fiancee dies from licking envelopes. Also being pulled from syndication, the episode of “I Love Lucy” where Ethel gets anthrax.

The makers of “Harry Potter & The Sorcerer’s Stone” said they had to hire a voice double for the movie’s star, Daniel Ratcliffe, after his voice began to change during filming. This explains the title of the sequel: “Harry Potter & His Astonishing Pubic Hair”.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, a tough night for the New York Yankees. They lost to Arizona, 15-2. The Series is tied at three games apiece. Here, with a commentary, is our own Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Thanks, Jimmy. Tmorrow night, despite two thrilling ninth inning victories here in New York, the Yankees magic run may finally come to an end. some people say their offense is inconsisent, some say their pitching is too old. But I know the real reason the Yankees have struggled a bit in the Play-Offs. It’s because, for the first time in history, Red Sox fans are rooting for the Yankees to win. I know. I’m a Red Sox Fan. For the past 83 years, you’ve had nothing but our negative energy and hatred in your way, and it’s led to, like, 65 world championships. But this year, because of what happened to New York, Boston’s decided to put our personal feelings aside and root for you to win. When the Yankees went to Boston, they played “New York, New York” over the PA. People were holding up signs that said, “Boston Loves New York”. And you started losing. Coincidence? No! Everyone and everything Boston roots for loses. If Boston rooted by gravity, we’d all be floating three inches off the ground. We’re the worst! Right now, Donald Rumsfield is in West Roxbury, Mass., trying to convince eight guys named Murph to root for the Taliban.

Personally, I don’t like this new camaraderie. Remember the later Tom & Jerry cartoons where they were friends, and it sucked? Same concept. That having been said, I love New York. No city deserves a World Championsgip more than this city right now. So, in order to help you out, I, a Red Sox fan, will say this: “I hate the Yankees!” “Paul O’Neill, you’re a whining crybaby.” “Chuck Knoblauch, you’re a glorified Oompa-Loompa.” “Roger Clemens, I would give every penny I have to whack your 39-year-old groin with a Fungo Bat.” And I’m only saying this because I genuinely want you to win. Jimmy?

Jimmy Fallon: Seth Meyers, everybody! Seth Meyers! Good job, man!

In an upcoming issue of “Premiere” magazine, Will Smith claims that his new fitness training has energized his sex life, saying, “I am a sexual machine now. I’m Human Viagra. I’m Will-agra.” Well, if you mean you’re becoming a huge dick, I think I agree with you.

It was reported that Michael Jackson has a cameo roll in the “Men In Black” sequel, where he plays an alien but doesn’t wear a costume. Touché, Michael. You beat us to the joke this time. But we’ll be back.

In order to feel safer on his private jet, actor John Travolta has purchased a bomb-sniffing dog. Unfortunately for the actor, the dog came six movies too late.

An autopsy is being conducted on the remains of Albert DeSalvo, the confessed Boston Strangler, in an attempt to idenitify his killer. Among the primary suspects: The Boston Stranger Strangler.

According to a new biography on Madonna, in 1991 the pop star tried to seduce Michael Jackson. I know it sounds crazy now, but you have to remember what Michael Jackson looked like in 1991. [ show normal-looking black man ] Aha!

LucasFilm Ltd. has sued the producer of a pornographic movie called “Star Balls” for copyright and trademark infringement, saying that the consumers could confuse it with “Star Wars”. Adding to the confusion, is the fact that both movies star Mark Hamill.

And now, with an editorial comment about the situation facing our country, here are Mighty Mack and Elwood Blues.

Mighty Mack: Thank you. Thank you. You know, whenever I need an insight into real politic, I turn to Elwood Blues. So, Elwood, you have some thoughts about the war?

Elwood Blues: It’s affirmative. Although I am old enough to have served time in Vietnam, I did not. Mainly because at the time I was serving time for grand theft heavy construction equipment. However, I did experience the Cold War firsthand in primary school, as a fallout shelter monitor. Now, that particular fear was a component of the Communist geopolitcal objective.

Mighty Mack: And look what happened there – a prolitariat revolution that didn’t even last 100 years, and ended in a bottomless turd-swirl which sucked a culturally and resource-rich people down into a gangster-run kleptocracy.

Elwood Blues: Correct. So now, we have the Islamic Fundamentalist objective. However flawed it was, at least the Soviets offered an alternative. And what is the alternative from this new wrath of freaks? Squatting in decimated mud hovels wearing fece-siled nightshirts and flip-flops, eating dirt and white lice burgers with nights spent beside grown men who roll around smooching each ball sacs, getting their compulsory beards all tangled up in each other’s ass hairs!

Mighty Mack: Right! Do these criminal maniac lice-eaters really expect their interpretation of scripture to appeal to any rational Muslims anywhere? Where women can’t go to or teach school, practice medicine, law or business, forcing them to stay indoors and impose illiteracy on a whole new generation of broads?

Elwood Blues: For this alone, the dwelling holes of these psycho alpha males deserve to be blowtorched like a squirming nest of May 10th catepillars!

Mighty Mack: And so, Elwood, your point is?

Elwood Blues: My point? Well, my point is nothing will stop our way of life.

And nothing will stop the U.S. Postal Service.

[ they stand up and grab microphones, as the Weekend Update set is separated from behind them, exposing them to the main stage ]

Elwood Blues & Mighty Mack: [ singing ]Give me a ticket for an aeroplane
I ain’t got time to take a fast train
Lonely days are gone
I’m going home, because my baby just wrote me a letter

Give me a ticket for an aeroplane
I ain’t got time to take a fast train
Lonely days are gone
I’m going home, because my baby just wrote me a letter
My baby just wrote me a letter
My baby just wrote me a letter
My baby just wrote me a letter..

[ Tina and Jimmy run back across the set ]

Tina Fey: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Tina Fey!

Jimmy Fallon: And I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 1

01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Anne Heche…..Reese Witherspoon
Chris Tucker…..Dean Edwards
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond

[ Jeopardy Theme Song starts the show ]

[ Alex Trebek is shown behind his podium)

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. You may notice I’m wearing a different suit. [ upset ] Apparently Mr. Connery felt my leg was closer than the urinal.

(Connery laughs hysterically)

It’s time for Double Jeopardy, let’s take a look at the scores. Chris Tucker is in the lead with -$5,000. Mr. Tucker has answered every question with the same response…

Chris Tucker: Do YOU understand the words comin’ out of my mouth?!?

(camera back on Trebek)

Alex Trebek: That’s the one. (to Tucker) You do understand that you’re playing for charity?

Chris Tucker: Yes I do. Why? Why? Do you not understand the words that are comin’ outta my mouth?!?

Alex Trebek: Just making sure. Next with -$43,000, is Anne Heche.

(Camera cuts to Anne)

Anne Heche: (in an unusual language) “ Hakunis a attruna donna”. That means “I’m not crazy anymore”. In my made-up space language.

(back to Trebek, who is somewhat bewildered)

Alex Trebek: Terrific. And finally, with -$100,000, Sean Connery is here….yet again.

(camera cuts to Connery)

Sean Connery: I wouldn’t miss it for the world, Trebek. I turned down Harry-Fricken’-Potter for this. (chuckles)

(back to Trebek, who seems frustrated already)

Alex Trebek: Please God, take me now. Let’s take a look at the board. And the categories are..(camera shows game board) “Potent Potables”, “Batman or Robin”. That’s where we show you a picture, and you say whether it’s Batman or Robin. “Famous Horsemen”. That’s about jockeys. (Connery cuts in)

Sean Connery: I bet you’ve seen your fair share of other men’s jockeys crumpled up on your bedroom floor, haven’t you Tinkerbell? (Chuckles)

(back to Trebek, who is angered and frustrated)

Alex Trebek: Next we have “Point to your Nose”, “Things Mom Gave You”, “Celebrity Photos”. Keep in mind that everyone of these photos will be one of you. And finally, “Connect the Dot”. (camera cuts to Anne, who is gazing at the board) Anne Heche, it’s your board.

(Anne does nothing. Trebek sighs)

Alex Trebek: Fine, it’s your board, Celestia.

Anne Heche: “Neega Bah”… ‘Batman or Robin’ for 400, Alex.

Alex Trebek: (shakes head) And the answer is…(board shows picture of Batman, clearly) Is this Batman, or Robin? Chris Tucker.

Chris Tucker: Yo I know this, man. That’s Robin!

Alex Trebek: No. So since it’s not Robin, that leaves only one correct answer. Anne Heche.

Anne Heche: WHO is Robin?

Alex Trebek: Amazing. Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: WHAT is Robin? Now then, I’ll take “Batman or Robin” for 800.

Alex Trebek: No, that’s the wrong. Let’s just go to “Celebrity Photos” for 200. And remember, this is a photograph of one of you.

(board shows picture of Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker from ‘Rush Hour’ with “TUCKER” and “CHAN” written in red.

Alex Trebek: Who is this celebrity with Jackie Chan? Chris Tucker, you might want to ring in here. Anne Heche.

Anne Heche: Who is “Zartoo”, third overlord of Blargon 7?

(Trebek is shown confused and angered)

Alex Trebek: For the love of God, no. Chris Tucker.

Chris Tucker: Yo man, that’s Jackie Chan, I worked with that dude.

Alex Trebek: Sean Connery, just pick a category.

Sean Connery: I’ll take “whore semen” for 800. (leaves his podium and heads for the board)

(Cut to Trebek, who is very confused)

Alex Trebek: Wait, What? Wait…Where are you going? What are you…

(Connery points to board, the category “Famous HORSEMEN” points to the “hor” first, and then “semen”

Sean Connery: See? “Hor” like your mother. And “Semen”! It’s right there! (Connery laughs hysterically)(Trebek is angered)

Alex Trebek: Yes, I see it. (Connery keeps laughing, Trebek is becoming more frustrated) You’re very proud of yourself, aren’t you?Sean Connery: Yes! (keeps laughing)

Alex Trebek: Let’s just go to Final Jeopardy. And the category is..(screen shows question) Would you like a cookie? (Jeopardy music starts) Yes or No? If you want a cookie, say yes. If you don’t, say no. Even if you want a cookie and you say no, you’ll still be right. (music ends) Let’s see what our contestants wrote. Chris Tucker, let’s see what you wrote down. (screen shows Tucker’s answer) Do you understand the words that are coming out of …Let me guess, you wagered, “my mouth”. (screen shows “my mouth”) And I’m right.

Chris Tucker: Man, I don’t need this! I don’t need nothin’. I don’t need nothin’!! I make 20 million dollars a movie. I’ll buy my own charity, man!

Alex Trebek: Once again, I’ll remind you that you are playing for charity. Apparently that isn’t getting through. Anne Heche, let’s see what you wrote.

(camera shows Anne Heche’s resume taped over the screen, with actors and actresses she’s slept with) Somehow you’ve managed to post your resume. Mind-bending.

Anne Heche: Alex, you’ll notice that I’ve slept with A LOT of famous people.

Alex Trebek: I’ll take your word for it. Now onto Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: Man Trebek, she’s a nut-job.

Alex Trebek: Tell me about it.

Sean Connery: She’s nuttier than a pecan log. (both start laughing and smiling together, Connery pats Trebek on the back)

Alex Trebek: Well, Sean, let’s see what you wrote. (screen shows Connery’s answer) I’m sorry Alex.

Sean Connery: (somber) That I am.

Alex Trebek: (surprised) Wow.

Sean Connery: I know I give you a hard time, but it’s all in good fun. I mean, you know that, don’t you?

Alex Trebek: (pretending to know) Uhh…of course..I do..Sean. Let’s see what you wagered, friend. (screen shows Connery’s wager, which reveals the rest of the phrase) Trebek is such a fruit. ( Connery laughs hysterically and Trebek is disappointed).

Sean Connery: Put that in your straw and ..

Alex Trebek: Suck it, I know, suck it.

Sean Connery: Suck it! Suck it!

Alex Trebek: Suck it, yes. I hear you. Well that’s it, goodbye.

(Trebek walks off with his head down as the camera fades to black).

Submitted by: Blake B.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 1

01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

Goodnights

…..Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon: Thank you so much to Alicia Keys! And Mayor Rudolph Guiliani! Paul Simon! And the New York City fire Department – the EMS – the Police Department – and the Port Authority Police! Thank you so much to the cast, the cew and all the writers! And Lorne! It’s been an amazing week! You guys made me laugh, so thank you!

SNL Transcripts

01t: Winona Ryder / Moby

Carter in Cuba

Jimmy Carter…..Darrell Hammond
Fidel Castro…..Will Ferrell
Translator…..Maya Rudolph

Announcer: Next on C-SPAN, the Senate Agriculture Committee holds hearings on dairy price supports, or dairy subsidies, or something involving dairies. While at 2:40 a.m., Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan testifies before Congress about interest rates, and stuff like that. But first, this week, Former President Jimmy Carter made a historic visit to Cuba. Our C-SPAN cameras were there as he met with Cuban leader Fidel Castro.

Fidel Castro: (speaking Spanish the whole time, voice of Translator) On behalf of myself and the Cuban people, I welcome you to my country.

Jimmy Carter: Thank you. As the first U.S. President to come to Cuba since the Revolution, I hope my visit, and especially our joint address to the Cuban people can help open a dialogue between our two nations.

Fidel Castro: Forgive me, but I was trying to remember earlier: When exactly were you president?

Jimmy Carter: From 1977 to 1981.

Fidel Castro: Oh, when they took the hostages in Iran?

Jimmy Carter: Yes, that’s right.

Fidel Castro: And when you had the oil shortage?

Jimmy Carter: Yes.

Fidel Castro: With the rationing and the long lines for gasoline?

Jimmy Carter: Yes.

Fidel Castro: We have that here, too.

Jimmy Carter: Uh, huh.

Fidel Castro: People hate it.

Jimmy Carter: Yes, yes they do.

Fidel Castro: Remember stagflation?

Jimmy Carter: Yes, yes, sure.

Fidel Castro: Isn’t that what you are best known for, stagflation?

Jimmy Carter: Yes, I get that a lot. Now in tomorrow’s address…..

Fidel Castro: You never hear that word anymore, stagflation. What exactly is stagflation?

Jimmy Carter: Well, stagflation is a thankfully rare economic condition, characterized by stagnant or declining growth, extremely high interest rates, and runaway inflation.

Fidel Castro: Wow! Even we have never had stagflation.

Jimmy Carter: Well, fortunately it hasn’t hit the U.S. since, well….since the late 1970’s.

Fidel Castro: Weren’t you also attacked by a rabbit?

Jimmy Carter: Yes, yes I was. But, if you don’t mind, I’m anxious to talk about tomorrow’s speech.

Fidel Castro: How does someone get attacked by a rabbit?

Jimmy Carter: Well…

Fidel Castro: I can see being attacked by a dog, or a fox, or a hedgehog, a chicken can become quite angry, even a wired beak. But a rabbit! That’s crazy!

Jimmy Carter: It is quite rare.

Fidel Castro: Attacked by a rabbit! Wow! You couldn’t catch a break, could you?

Jimmy Carter: No, not too often.

Fidel Castro: Anyway, let’s talk about our televised address to the Cuban people.

Jimmy Carter: Yes, please, let’s do it.

Fidel Castro: It’s a live broadcast. I go on first, _________ and I will speak for about four and a half hours. Next, Elian Gonzalez will recite a poem denouncing his Miami relatives, which will run about 90 minutes. Followed by some….______. Then comes your speech, about five to seven minutes, then more ________. Then I wrap things up with about three hours of closing remarks.

Jimmy Carter: Alright, now, in my speech, I intend to bring up the issue of human rights in Cuba.

Fidel Castro: That’s alright. There are only five TV stations in the whole country. And two of them don’t have sound. So, go ahead and knock yourself out.

Jimmy Carter: Well, thank you. That all sounds good now, but if you’ll all excuse me, I should really go get some sleep.

Fidel Castro: You’re right. Tomorrow is an important day. So, good night, Jimmy. But first, I leave you with one thought: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 4

01d: John Goodman / Ja Rule

Ashcroft’s Press Conference

Brian Williams…..Seth Meyers
John Ashcroft…..Darrell Hammond
Reporter #1…..Maya Rudolph
Reporter #2…..Dean Edwards
Dr. Anthony Fauci…..Chris Kattan

Brian Williams: Good evening. I’m Brian Williams. We’re just seconds away from a briefing by Attorney General John Ashcroft, who will address the growing concern of terrorism here at home.

[ cut to White House press conference ]

John Ashcroft: Good evening. These are, indeed, complicated times for a great nation. But tonight, the United States Justice Department simply wishes to say: get on with your lives. Do whatever you would normally do. Also, in the next three days, there’s probably gonna be a terrorist attack on our country. [ acknowledges Reporter #1 ] Yes? Question?

Reporter #1: You said there’s gonna be a terrorist attack soon? Can you give us any more details?

John Ashcroft: Well, first of all, I didn’t say there was gonna be an attack. I said probably!

Reporter #1: How probably?

John Ashcroft: Look, numbers aren’t gonna make people feel any better. I could say there’s a 1% chance, or 2%, or.. [ looks at clipboard ] ..96.7%. I don’t know! It doesn’t matter! Let’s just do what the President said. Let’s return to our normal lives, continue to do all the things you would normally do, with confidence, with vigilence, and with the knowledge that sometime very soon, or maybe in the future, there’s gonna be a horrible terrorist attack! [ acknowledges Reporter #2 ] Yes?

Reporter #2: Helen Thomas. Can you tell us what the target of the attack will be, or when it will occur?

John Ashcroft: No, I cannot tell you, because we don’t have any idea. Again, let me say this: if we let the terrorists make us afraid of their imminent attacks, attacks that’ll probably happen tomorrow, or maybe in three weeks.. [ looks at clipboard ] ..or later today.. then we just let them win. Just live your lives, just do what you would normally do. See a movie, go to a park, go to the gas mask store.. you know, stockpile canned goods and antibiotics, the types of things you do every day! [ acknowledges Reporter #3 ] Yes, yes?

Reporter #3: Is this warning more or less severe than the last warning on Octover 11th?

John Ashcroft: More?

Reporter #3: You don’t seem sure.

John Ashcroft: Look, if I said, “Yes, this is definitely, absolutely, way, way more serious than the last one,” would that make you feel better?

Reporter #3: No.

John Ashcroft: Well, there ya go! Look, everyone, please, go back to your normalcy, live your lives, just relax. And now, here with an update on the vicious, seemingly unstoppable anthrax scourge, from the National Institute of Health, is Dr. Anthony Fauci.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Thank you. I’d like to reassure the American public by saying this: we have cleaned the State Department, the White House, the Supreme Court and the Capitol Building with state-of-the-art decontamination instruments, and have installed dozens of $20 million irradiation lasers to keep all dangerous substances away from the U.S. government. [ acknoledges Reporter #1 ] Yes?

Reporter #1: What about the post offices?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: We’ve given each post office some Baby Wipes and a dustbuster.

Reporter #1: But what about the contaminated buildings in New York? Are they safe?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: I don’t know, lady! I haven’t been to New York in weeks! Do you think I’m crazy?!

[ Fauci and Ashcroft laugh at Reporter #1 ]

John Ashcroft: Ladies and gentlemen, we’re out of time, so, in conclusion, I’d like to say again: live your lives as normal, and just be strong, and just be vigilent, just be confident, and, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

01t: Winona Ryder / Moby

Botox

…..Ana Gasteyer
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Winona Ryder
…..Amy Poehler

Ana Gasteyer: I deserve a younger me..

Voiceover: Botox.

Maya Rudolph: I’m not ready to lose my.. “wow”!

Voiceover: Botox.

Winona Ryder: I want a paralyzed face, but I’m too young for a stroke.

Voiceover: Botox.

Ana Gasteyer: It gently smoothes away wrinkles the natural way.

Amy Poehler: By crippling the nervous tissue in your face.

Maya Rudolph: With a diluted strain of deadly bacteria.

Voiceover: Deadly bacteria.

Winona Ryder: It’s like a little stroke you shoot into your head with a needle. I like that.

Maya Rudolph: If someone told you all you had to do to get younger-looking skin was to inject a syringe full of military-grade neurotoxin into your face every three weeks.. wouldn’t you do it?

Ana Gasteyer: Of course, you would! [ needle is inserted into her forehead ]

Amy Poehler: Poison to the face – why didn’t they think of this before? [ chuckles with delight as needle is injected into her forehead ]

Maya Rudolph: Botox. It’s not just for ethnic cleansing any more. [ needles are injected into her forehead and chin ]

Voiceover: Botox. Ask your doctor.

[ four women are seen drooling at the mouth from the poison injections ]

Winona Ryder: [ mumbling ] Botox. A younger-looking you is just a needle full of poison to the face away.

SNL Transcripts

01i: Ellen Degeneres / No Doubt

Dick Cheney’s Snowglobe

Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Lynn Cheney…..Ana Gasteyer
…..Horatio Sanz
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Chris Kattan
…..Tracy Morgan

[ open on exterior, mountain area ]

[ SUPER: “An Undisclosed Location” ]

[ dissolve to interior, Vice-Presidnet Dick Cheney seated at desk ]

Lynn Cheney: Dick, it’s late. It’s late, and it’s Christmas Eve. Come to bed, we’ve got a big day tomorrow.

Dick Cheney: I want to finish up some up this paperwork. Besides, no one’s going to visit us tomorrow, because they don’t now where we are.

Lynn Cheney: You’re a good man, Dick.

Dick Cheney: I try.

Lynn Cheney: Good night.

Dick Cheney: Good night, sugar. [ she exits ] Boy, what a year. Who could have foreseen this year, these things in store for us? Who could have foreseen the challenges that we’re now facing as a nation? [ holds up snowglobe ] how ya doing, buddy? Oh, we’ve seen a lot of Christmas together, the good and the bad. Remember that time I talked my buddy into sticking his tongue into that frozen mailbox? George was there so long that we almost missed the inauguration. Yeah. Looking at you, Tiny Tim, Ebenezer Scrooge, Tiny Tim’s mom, his dad.. I yearn for the simpler days. I know you can’t make it all go away, Snow Globe, but I know that your simple tone will always give me a few minutes of peace and joy. Thanks, Snow Globe. Thanks a lot.

[ camera zooms in on the snowglobe, whose characters bear suspicious resemblance to Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan and Tracy Morgan ]

[ suddenly, Horatio, Jimmy, Chris and Tracy come alive, breaking into their familiar Christmas ditty ]Horatio Sanz: One…

[ Jimmy turns on keyboard ]

Horatio Sanz: One…

Jimmy Fallon: Two…

Horatio Sanz: One-

Jimmy Fallon: Two-

Horatio Sanz: Three-

Jimmy Fallon: Four!

[ they start playing ]

Horatio Sanz: “I don’t care what your momma says-
Christmas is coming fast!”

Horatio and Jimmy: “I don’t care what your poppa says-“

Horatio Sanz: “Christmas is gonna be a super bla-ast.

I don’t care what the papers say-
Christmas is number one.“

Horatio and Jimmy: “I don’t care about your grandma’s lies-
Christmastime equals fun-“

Horatio Sanz: “I don’t care if you think I’m a goof-
I want to hear Santa landing on my roof.”

Horatio and Jimmy: “I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay!
I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay!”

[ they stop playing, and bow to the audience ]

SNL Transcripts

01i: Ellen Degeneres / No Doubt

My Big Thick Novel

Jack Handy V/O:

Chapter 917.

“As I popped off my helmet, I let out a sigh; at least, that’s what I told the martians it was.”

SNL Transcripts

01t: Winona Ryder / Moby

Bearologist

Dr. Matthews…..Will Ferrell
Kenneth…..Jimmy Fallon
Heidi…..Winona Ryder
Mrs. Matthews…..Ana Gasteyer
Cop…..Darrell Hammond
Bear/Curtis Matthews…..Seth Meyers

[ open on exterior, Itex Research Labortories ]

[ dissolve to interior, Bear Research Lab ]

Dr. Matthews: Good work today, Kenneth.

Kenneth: Thanks a lot, Dr. Matthews! Bye, Miss Larson!

Heidi: Good night, Kenneth!

Dr. Matthews: Good night, Kenneth.

[ Kenneth exits; Heidi embraces Dr. Matthews ]

Heidi: I’ve been wanting to touch you all day!

Dr. Matthews: Me, too. But we have to be careful – my wife will find out.

Heidi: Oh. Why don’t you just divorce her?

Dr. Matthews: I told you, I can’t! It’s her money that keeps me able to do my valuable research with bears!

Heidi: I don’t care!

Dr. Matthews: Heidi.. you know how I feel about my bear research.

Heidi: I know how important your bear research is for you – and the fight against the terrorists. But i’m tired of your wife preventing us from being together!

Dr. Matthews: But what can I do?

Heidi: Kill her.

[ music sting ]

Heidi: You take this gun, and shoot her!

Dr. Matthews: But we’ll get caught!

Heidi: Well, you just say that you thought she was a rival bearologist coming to steal your valuable bear data!

Dr. Matthews: I’ve told you a million times that won’t work! [ thinking ] Wait a minute, wait a minute.. I could let the bear out of his cage, and then he could maul her.

Heidi: Perfect!

Voice of Mrs. Matthews: Bruce! Are you in here?

Dr. Matthews: Aw, there’s my wife now. We’ll be safe over here!

Heidi: Okay!

[ they cower into the corner of the lab ]

Voice of Mrs. Matthews: Bruce Matthews! Where are you?

Dr. Matthews: Uh.. Blanche, I’m in here, in my bear research lab!

[ Mrs. Matthews enters in neck brace, with a tray of tiny sandwiches ]

Mrs. Matthews: Bruce? Bruce? I brought some of these tiny sandwiches that you love!

[ Dr. Matthews thrusts open the bear cage ]

Dr. Matthews: Mr. Sticks! KILL her!

[ Bear runs out of cage, picks up gun from table, and shoots Mrs. Matthews to death. Bear then runs back into cage and tosses the smoking gun into Dr. Matthew’s hands, as his cage shuts close. ]

Dr. Matthews: [ panicking at the turn of events ] No! Wait! No! NO!! WAIT!!

Heidi: This is wonderful!

Dr. Matthews: No, it’s NOT!! He SHOT her! MAN!! He was supposed to MAUL her!! MAN!!

Heidi: How did you teach a bear to use a gun!

Dr. Matthews: I DIDN’T! He watches FAR too much TV!! BAD BEAR!! VERY BAD BEAR!!

[ Bear shrugs in cage ]

Heidi: Don’t yell at him!

Dr. Matthews: He shot her!

Heidi: And?

Dr. Matthews: Don’t you get it?! The cops are gonna blame me for this!

Heidi: Why? Just tell them what happened.

Dr. Matthews: What? That a bear picked up a firearm and killed my rich wife?! They’ll never believe it.

Heidi: They will. Work it out, you’ll see.

Dr. Matthews: I’ve gotta stay calm..

Heidi: Stay calm.

Dr. Matthews: Luckily, no one heard the shots..

[ Kenneth runs into the lab ]

Kenneth: Dr. Matthews! I heard shots! [ spots the body on the ground ] Oh, my God!! Mrs. Matthews!!

Dr. Matthews: Yes.. my wife has been shot.. but, before you do anything —

Kenneth: I called the cops!

[ music sting ]

Dr. Matthews: No!

[ Cop enters ]

Cop: Alright, what’s going on here? [ spots the body ] Mrs. Matthews?! Murdered?!

Dr. Matthews: Now, Officer, it’s not what it looks like!

Cop: Let me guess – the bear shot her.

Dr. Matthews: [ surprised at the guess ] Yes! That’s what happened!

Cop: I’m not falling for that again!

Dr. Matthews: Look! Heidi saw what happened!

Cop: You two are probably having an affair!

Heidi: [ weeping ] No, we’re not.. Dr. Matthews shot her.. and said he’d shoot me if I told anyone..

Dr. Matthews: She’s lying! I swear! A TV-watching bear killed my wife!!

Cop: Let’s go, pal!

Dr. Matthews: Again! Twenty years of bear research, and I’m baffled!

[ cop drags Dr. Matthews out of the lab ]

Heidi: [ opens bear cage ] Great job, Mr. Sticks! Your plan worked perfectly!

Curtis Matthews: [ removes bear head from costume ] Yes! The plan worked perfectly! I can’t believe my brother thought I was a bear! I don’t even look like a bear!

Heidi: [ cackling with glee ] And now the Matthews fortune is ours!

Curtis Matthews: Fourteen years in a bear suit finally paid off!

Heidi: Curtis Matthews, you’re a genius!!

[ they both laugh viciously ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

01i: Ellen Degeneres / No Doubt

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Mayor Rudolph Guiliani

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey.

Tina Fey: Well, all in all a pretty hilarious news week, huh? A lot of very funny news this week.

First of all the Bush administraton released the newest Osama bin Laden tape, which, if you haven’t seen it, it’s like a cross between a boring wedding video and every nightmare you’ve ever had. It’s on video, rent that one.

Israel and Palestine are getting worse and worse every day. These people hate each other so much that they are fighting over a piece of land the size of a Wendy’s. The’re fighting over a piece of land so small, they could only have an above-ground pool on it. piece of dirt so little, that if you found it inyor salad, you wouldn’t even send it back. It’s crazy.

And then on Wednesday, George Bush pulled out of the 1972 Anti-Ballistic Policy, a decision Russia is calling a “big mistake”. But it’s not a mistake – we’ve got that cool missile defense system, that thing’s ready to go, right? No? It’s not? They haven’t invented it yet? Oh, they could never do it, it’s impossible? Oh, great.

Then, they find more anthrax in Washington, in a place they had already “de-thraxed.” Guess they’re not as good as cleaning out the “thrax” as they thought they were! Good thing we never found any anthrax in this building… oh wait, we totally did!

So anyway, I’m going to sleep now. Good night! [ lays head down on newsdesk ] Back to you, Jimmy.

American Express announced that it’s cutting 6,500 jobs, its third round of layoffs this year. When told of the firings, a spokesman for Mastercard said, “Priceless.”

NBC will become the first broadcast television network to accept commercials for hard liquor in over 50 years. Not to be outdone, Fox is now showing ads for crack.

Tina Fey: With security tightened at U.S. airports, many travelers say that security patdowns are too initmate and intrusive, and are going too far, even among flight crews. One stewaress reported that, while being given a patdown, the hand of the female securrity guard cupped her breast, then lingered there before slowly moving down to explore her hard, taut belly. She became flushed as the woman’s hot breath filled her ear, while she slipped her other hand under her skirt, meandering up her thigh, until she found what she had been looking –

[ cut to “Please Stand By” graphic ]

[ cut back to Tina leaning back in her chair, and Jimmy pretending to smoke a pencil like a post-coital cigarette ]

Jimmy Fallon: Wow, that was a great joke… [ motions to touch Tina’s shoulder ]

Tina Fey: Don’t touch me!

Snoop Dogg is predicting that GM stock will go up with the introduction of his limited-edition Snoop Deville Sedan. Especially since it was named “Best New Sedizun of the Yizun” by Cizzun and Drizun Magazizzin.

Playboy has launched a line of men’s underwear and loungwear, ranging from silk Hefner pajamas to glow in the dark shorts. The lines expected to be a big seller among guidos.Tina Fey: Here now, with ideas for romantic holiday gifts, is our own Tracy Morgan.

Tracy Morgan: Thanks, Tina! You are looking good, as always. We will talk about that at the party, because you make my heart beat, girl!

So, now is the time to buy Christmas presents for your wife, and you don’t have to spend a lot of money to show you care. Like, here’s one idea – make up a little coupon book with things like “Good for one free back rub”. I gave one to my eife last year. It had coupons like a “Come Home Now” card, which means anytime, day or night, she could call me wherever I was, and I would leave the strip club immediately and come home right away, or at least in a few hours.

I also gave her a coupon for a fancy romantic dinner. Now, you may ask do I consider spicy buffalo wings at the dog track a fancy dinner? Yes, I do!

Tina Fey: Tracy, your wife might like it if you bought her something from an actual store.

Tracy Morgan: Well, Tina, there’s always the classics, like a nice pair of Isotoner gloves, or a Toni Morrison book, or a bag of weed. Now that’s a gift that keeps on giving. But dudes that really want to make Christmas romantic, here’s what you do – you go, you find yourself a nice Victoria’s Secret store, you buy some dirty-looking thongs and slide it under the tree, and tell her you can’t wait to see her in it. Because it’s all about making her think that when you two are doing it that you’re actually thinking about her. Now, we all know that you ain’t. You’re thinking about Toni Braxton or Jada Pinkett, or, in my case, the chubby red-headed girl that works in the NBC store downstairs. You know who you are, girl – you’re thick, you’re thick, you’re thick! [ growls ]

Now, I don’t feel bad about saying all this about my wife, because she sure as hell ain’t thinking about me. How do I know? ‘Cause my name ain’t Denzel! Merry Christmas, everyone!

Tina Fey: Tracy Morgan, everybody.

Ingless, Florida Mayor Caroline Ricsher made headlines last week when she officially banned Satan from her town. So with a tear in his eye, Satan packed his bags and left, vowing one day to return to Florida – for your souls!

It was reported that Bryant Gumbel and his girlfriend Hillary Quinnlynn got engaged last week. The couple are planning a white wedding – very, very white.

Jimmy Fallon: Monday marks the star-studded premiere of “The Lord of the Rings” starring Elijah Wood as Frido and Ian McKellen as Randolph.

Tina Fey: Wait, I think you mean Frodo and Gandalf –

Jimmy Fallon: Nerd Alert! Nerd!!

A scientist for the Wildlife Preservation Society is the first person to ever discover homosexual behavior in wild orangutans. When asked exactly how he discovered homosexual behavior, the scientist got really quiet.

Gary Busey was arrested for alleged abuse after his ex-wife Tiani complained the actor had abused her. To be fair, Busey had warned her not to sit so close to his enormous teeth on Steak Night.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, this is the last live show in 2001.

Tina Fey: That’s right, and on December 31st, at midnight, we will not only say goodbye to 2001, we will also say goodbye to our mayor. Ladies and gentlemen, his Honor, Mayor Rudolph Guiliani.

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Thank you very much!

Tina Fey: Now, Mr. Mayor, when your term ends on December 31st, you’ll be leaving City Hall, which raises the question – do you have to? Do you have to leave?

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Yes, Tina, I have to.

Jimmy Fallon: Where are you going? Can we come with you?

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: No, Jimmy, you can’t go with me. Where I’m going is a lonely frontier of risk and solitude. A place no man has ever before dared to go. It’s not a place for tender beginners like you.

Jimmy Fallon: I thought you were going to be a consultant or something.

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Whatever. You can’t come with me.

Jimmy Fallon: Understood. Well, we’d like to send you off with a little play we wrote. Tina will be playing the role of New York City, and I will be playing the role of you. [ places strip of costume hair across his head ]

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: How’s that look like me?

Jimmy Fallon: That’s your combover! [ starts to sing ]

“Tonight, you’re mine, completely
You gave your love so sweetly
Tonight the light of love is in your eyes
But will you love me tomorrow?”

Tina Fey:
“Tonight, with words unspoken
You say that I’m the only one.”

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani:
“But will my heart be broken?
When the night meets the morning sun?”

Tina Fey:
“I’d like to know that your love
Is a love I can be sure of.”

All:
“So tell me now, and I won’t ask again
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Will you still love me tomorrow?”

Tina Fey: Will we still love you tomorrow? We’ll see.

Jimmy Fallon: We’re New Yorkers, what do you expect?

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: From New Yorkers, I expect nothing less.

Tina Fey: And we, as New Yorkers, want to thank you for holding us together in the hardest time we’ve ever known.

Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: And I’m Rudy Guiliani. Good night, New York, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts