Man #1 … Chevy Chase Man #2 … Michael O’Donoghue Announcer …
[Two soft-spoken, casually-dressed men address thecamera, betraying not a trace of effeminacy. Man #1 istall. Man #2 is shorter, bespectacled and bearded.]
Man #1: This is my best friend, my business partner,my advisor, my companion, my wife. And I love her.She’s quite a gal, you know. She takes care of thehouse, cooks great meals, makes studded leather vestsat our own boutique, and still has enough energy togive me the attention I need at the end of a long day.I don’t know how you do it.
Man #2: Well, I take care of myself. I get plenty ofrest, go to the Y, eat right and, to make sure I getenough iron and vitamins, I take Jamitol every day.[puts a pipe in his mouth]
Man #1: Makes me take it, too.
[Dissolve to two packages of the product (tablet andliquid) and a large spoon.]
Announcer: Jamitol. More than twice the iron andhigh-potency vitamins found in other supplements.Tablet or liquid.
[Cut back to the two men. Man #2 takes the pipe out ofhis mouth.]
Man #1: My wife. She’s quite a gal. And I love her forit.
[The two men glance at one another matter-of-factly,as a husband and wife would, then look back at thecamera.]
George Carlin: Thank you! Talk about a live show! It’s nice to see you, welcome, and thanks for joining us – live. Um.. I’m kinda glad that we’re on at night, so that we’re not competing with all the football and baseball. So many, man.. And this is the time of year when there’s both, you know?
Football’s kinda nice, they changed it a little bit – they moved the hash marks in. Guys found it and smoked them, anyway! But you know, football wants to be the number-one sport, the national pasttime. And I think it already is, really, because football represents something we are – we are Europe, Jr. When you get right down to it, we’re Europe, Jr. We play a Eurpe game. What was the Europe game? [ high voice ] “Let’s take their land away from them! You’ll be the pink, on up; we’ll be blue, the red and the green!”
Ground acquisition. And that’s what football is, football’s a ground acquisition game. You knock the crap out of eleven guys and take their land away from them. Of course, we only do it ten yards at a time. That’s the way we did it with the Indians – we won it little by little. First down in Ohio – Midwest to go!
Let’s put it this way – there are things about the words surrounding football and baseball, which give it all away:
Football is technological; baseball is pastoral.
Football is played in a stadium; baseball is played in the park.
In football, you wear a helmet; in baseball, you wear a cap.
Football is played on an enclosed, rectangular grid, and everyone of them is the same size; baseball is played on an ever-widening angle that reaches to inifinity, and every park is different!
Football is rigidly timed; baseball has no time limit, we don’t know when it’s gonna end! We might even have extra innings!
In football, you get a penalty; in baseball, you make an error – whoops!
The object in football is to march downfield and penetrate enemy territory, and get into the end zone; in baseball, the object is to go home! “I’m going home!”
And, in football, they have the clip, the hit, the block, the tackle, the blitz, the bomb, the offense and the defense; in baseball, they have.. the sacrifice.
Ploobis…..Jim Henson Scred…..Jerry Nelson Peuta…..Alice Tweedy Vazh…..Rhonda Hansome Mighty Favog…..Frank Oz
[ The camera pans across a deserted, rocky landscape — craters filled with smoky, bubbling slime. ]
Announcer: Come with us now… from the bubbling tarpits to the sulfurous wasteland… from the rotting forest to the stagnant mud flats…
Ploobis: [ singing ] From the bubbling tarpits… to the sulfurous wasteland… This land was made for me! And me only! Cause I am Ploobis! King of all I survey. [ Ploobis reaches into a crater and picks up a phone receiver. ] Scred! Scred!
[ Scred enters. ]
Scred: Yes, oh high supreme mucky muck, sir!
Ploobis: Scred, I’m hungry.
Scred: Ohh… what would please your flatulence?
[ Ploobis grabs Scred by the throat. ]
Ploobis: FOOD! See, I’m hungry — and when I get hungry, I get a headache. [ He shakes Scred by the throat a bit. ] And when I get a headache, I get, uh…
Scred: Furious?
Ploobis: No.
Scred: Angry?
Ploobis: [ shaking Scred ] NO!
Scred: Cranky!
Ploobis: NO!
Scred: Peevish!
Ploobis: NO!
Scred: Irked!
Ploobis: NO!
Scred: MILDLY ANNOYED!
Ploobis: That’s IT! [ He releases Scred, who gasps for breath. ]
Scred: Oh, thank you, sire.
Ploobis: I get mildly annoyed when I don’t have food.
Scred: I’ll see to it immediately, your grossness.
[ Scred slinks off. ]
Ploobis: Hmmm. This is something Peuta should have taken care of.
[ Queen Peuta enters, shrieking. ]
Peuta: I heard that! [ Ploobis winces. ] I don’t have time to worry about your food. Especially in my condition.
Ploobis: Mmmm.
Peuta: I said, especially in my condition.
Ploobis: Especially in your condition.
Peuta: Yes.
Ploobis: Rrgh. What do you expect me to do about it? You’re too old to molt.
Peuta: Arrgh! Oh, Ploobis — I don’t know what my problem is. I’m just not in the swing of things. You see… I’m having tremendous difficulty releasing my darts.
Ploobis: Releasing your darts. Urrgh. What should I do about it?
[ Scred enters and hides behind Ploobis. ]
Peuta: Go to The Mighty Favog. He’s the only one who can relieve my pain.
Ploobis: Mmm. Your pain is my pain, m’dear.
Peuta: I’m going to lie down now. Perhaps the darts will loosen.
[ Peuta exits. ]
Scred: Uh, would it help if I massaged your moogies? [ Ploobis grabs Scred. ] Ow ow ow ow! Only joking, only kidding, your majesty!
Ploobis: Don’t say it if you don’t mean it. [ He releases Scred. ]
Scred: Yes, sire.
[ Scred exits, and Vazh enters, bearing food. ]
Ploobis: Ah, there you are.
Vazh: Here’s your food, Ploobis!
Ploobis: Well, thank you, Vazh — what’ve you got here? Grrrh… [ Ploobis can’t get the prop turkey leg off Vazh’s hand. This is one of the problems with live TV puppetry. Vazh falls partly out of shot as Ploobis grabs the meat. ] Let go of it, would you? Mmmm. [ He tastes the meat. ] Tastes like boiled Kleenex. Mmph. This tastes familiar — is this anyone I know?
Vazh: Will you want dessert, Ploobis?
Ploobis: Unnnh. What I want, Angel Buns — is not on the menu. [ He embraces her. ] C’mere, you. Ohhh. Yeah. Oh, sweetheart. Mmm.
[ Peuta enters and interrupts. ]
Peuta: Ploobis! What are you doing?
[ Ploobis starts, throwing Vazh to the floor with a crash. ]
Ploobis: Ah! Well, uh — excuse me, ma’am. [ Vazh gets up, cradling her head. ] Uh. I was just on my way to The Mighty Favog, y’see.
[ GONNGGG! The Mighty Favog is revealed. ]
Favog: DIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG. HOW MANY IN YOUR PARTY?
[ Ploobis and Scred approach respectfully. ]
Ploobis: Uh… one! Me and Scred.
Favog: TALK TA ME.
Ploobis: Oh, Mighty Favog! I got a problem.
Favog: BUSINESS, SPORTS OR PERSONAL?
Ploobis: Uh… Scred?
Scred: Medical, your grossness.
Ploobis: Oh, Mighty Favog, it’s medical.
Favog: MEDICAL.
Ploobis: Mmm.
Favog: IT’S GONNA COST YA.
[ Ploobis looks uneasily at Scred. ]
Favog: THREE CHICKENS, TWO SWANS, AND A DUCK.
Ploobis: Holy guacamole. Whatcha got on you, Scred?
Scred: Just two chickens. But that’s carfare home!
Ploobis: Oh Favog, I offer you two chickens — it’s all I’ve got!
Favog: BUSINESS IS SLOW. I’LL TAKE ‘EM.
Ploobis: Hand him the chickens.
Scred: Oh, okay — but phooey, anyway. [ Scred holds two chickens over the sacrificial hole. ] Are you ready?
Favog: LAY ‘EM ON YOUR GOD!
Scred: Here they come!
[ Scred drops the chickens into the hole. They land with a splash, and there’s a flushing sound as The Mighty Favog digests the sacrifice. He smacks his lips. ]
Favog: AWRIGHT. STATE YOUR PROBLEM.
Ploobis: Oh, Mighty Favog! My charming wife Peuta can’t release her darts.
Favog: MMMMM. AWRIGHT. YA READY?
Ploobis & Scred: We are ready, Oh Mighty Favog!
[ There’s a clap of thunder and a flash of lightning. ]
Favog: HERE IS THE ANSWER!
Ploobis: Yeah?
Favog: CHEER UP. THINGS COULD BE WORSE.
[ GONG!!! ]
Ploobis: For that, I paid two chickens?
Favog: LIKE I SAID — CHEER UP, THINGS COULD BE WORSE. YOU COULDA PAID FOUR CHICKENS. NEXT!
Billy Preston performs “Nothing From Nothing” from the album: The Kids & Me (1974)
…..Billy Preston
[ open on a close-up of a set of drums, as the opening notes of the song begins to play ]
[ cut to the back wall of the musical stage, focus on a mural featuring the likenesses of Billy Preston. Zoom out to reveal Preston and his band jamming cheerfully on their instruments. ]
Don Pardo V/O: And, now – Billy Preston, with “Nothing From Nothing!”
Billy Preston: “Nothing from nothing leaves nothing You gotta have something, if you wanna be with me. Nothing from nothing leaves nothing You gotta have something, if you wanna be with me.
Yeah, yeah! That’s right, baby Yeah, baby. Yeah!
I’m not tryin’ to be your hero ‘Cause that zero, is too cold for me – brrr!I’m not tryin’ to be your highness ‘Cause that minus is too low to see.
Oh, yeah Yeah! Yeah, yeah Yeah!
Nothing from nothing leaves nothing And I’m not stuffin’, believe you me Don’t you remember I told ya, I’m a soldier In the war on poverty.
Yes, I am Yeah, yeah Yeah! Yeah, baby.
[ break ]
Nothing from nothing leaves nothing – isn’t that right? You got to have something, if you wanna be with me – oh, baby! Nothing from nothing leaves nothing You got to have something to be with me.”
Yeah, baby Yeah! That’s right! Yeah Go ‘head!
You got to have something, if you wanna be with me You got to bring me something, girl – ha! – if you wanna be with me You got to know how to party You got to know how to party You got to know how to party, it’s alright If you wanna be with me!”
Janis Ian performs “At Seventeen” from the album: Between the Lines (1975)
…..George Carlin …..Janis Ian
George Carlin: We would like to introduce to you – Janis Ian.
[ Carlin disappears from the stage as Janis Ian, standing onstage within arm’s reach of the audience, begins to play ]
Janis Ian: “I learned the truth at seventeen That love was meant for beauty queens And high school girls with clear-skinned smiles Who married young and then retired.
The valentines I never knew The Friday night charades of youth Were spent on one more beautiful At seventeen, I learned the truth.
And those of us with ravaged faces Lacking in the social graces Desperately remained at home Inventing lovers on the phone Who called to say, “Come dance with me.” And murmured vague obscenities It isn’t all it seems, at seventeen.
A brown-eyed girl in hand-me-downs Whose name I never could pronounce Said, “Pity, please, the ones who serve They only get what they deserve.”
And the rich-relationed home town queen Marries into what she need With a guarantee of company And haven for the elderly.
Remember those who win the game Lose the love they sought to gain In debentures of quality And dubious integrity Their small-town eyes will gape at you In dull surprise, when payment due Exceeds accounts received, at seventeen.
To those of us who knew the pain Of valentines that never came And those whose names were never called When choosing sides for basketball.
It was long ago and far away The world was younger than today When dreams were all they gave for free To ugly duckling girls like me.
We all play the game, and when we dare To cheat ourselves at solitaire Inventing lovers on the phone Repenting others lives unknown That call and say, “Come on, dance with me.” And murmur vague obscenities At ugly girls like me, at seventeen.”
Billy Preston performs “Fancy Lady” from the album: It’s My Pleasure (1975)
…..Billy Preston
Announcer: Once again, here’s Billy Preston, with his new hit, “Fancy Lady.”
Billy Preston: [ singing ] “Fancy lady is masquerading With a heart that nobody can see Time is wasting there There’s no escaping it How long will your sweet pleasure be?
Fancy lady, you are just a stranger To all the lovers you don’t get to know You try hiding all the broken traces For the one love you had to let go.
I got love, you can sample my wares I got love, try if you dare I got love, sample your wares, babe You got plenty love inside.
Fancy lady, where are the children, girl Who were born to you, so sweet and true Will you give them all your sad parading Have them doing the same things you do?
The great creator, he’s a liberator, yes He is He always lends a helping hand Fancy lady, time is no waiter It will run out on you Before you can say.
[ break ]
Fancy lady, you’re just a stranger, girl To all the lovers you don’t get to know You try hiding all of your broken traces For that one love you had to let go.
Fancy lady, you’re the great creator, girl The Lord is always lending a helping hand Fancy lady, time is no waiter It will run out on you Before you can say.
I got love, baby, sample my wares I got love, girl, try if you dare I got love, sample your wares ‘Cause you got plenty Of good love for sale Now, baby, give it to me, give it to me. Give it to me, baby!”
Old Dad…..Dan Aykroyd Mom…..Jackie Carlin New Dad…..Chevy Chase
[ open on close-up of wedding photo of Mom and Old Dad. Pull back to reveal Mom and Son in living room set, as Old Dad, carrying briefcase, comes bursting through the door. ]
Old Dad: Honey, I’m home!
Son: [ runs to greet Old Dad ] Daddy! Daddy!
[ Old Dad scoops up his Son, sits in armchair and places Son on couch ]
Announcer: You have a lovely home, a good job, solid investments, a wonderful family.. everything you need for the future.. or is it?
[ big black “X” appears over Old Dad, as he vanishes from the scene ]
What if you were suddenly out of the picture? Should tragedy strike, what would happen to them?
[ Son waits pathetically for Dad, Mom staring distractedly off into space ]
Sure, you’ve provided for them financially – but what about their emotional and physical needs?
[ New Dad, also carrying briefcase, bursts through the front door ]
New Dad: Honey, I’m home!
Son: [ runs to greet New Dad ] Daddy! Dady!
[ New Dad scoops up his Son, sits in armchair and places Son on couch, Mom looking pleased ]
Announcer: Yes – it’s “New Dad!” – a radically new concept in family insurance coverage. Within seconds after “Old Dad” is out, we’ll have “New Dad” in there to take his place. Is your family completely covered? Not just financially, but in every way?
[ New Dad pats his knee sexily, as Mom comes to sit on his lap ]
Why not call your local independent insurance agent today, and aks him about our “New Dad” policy..
[ close-up of original wedding photo of mom and Old Dad, who was “X” over his face ]
..before it’s too late. That’s “New Dad” – the only insurance that covers all of their needs.
[ New Dad’s hand enters frame and slaps sticker of his own face over Old Dad’s face in the photo ]
[ open on Paul Simon sitting on a stool with his guitar on his lap ]
Paul Simon: I’m Paul Simon, and I’ll be hosting the NBC Saturday Night show next week. I’ll be joined by Randy Newman, Phoebe Snow, and my ex-partner, Art Garfunkel, for a little Simon & Garfunkel reunion. I hope you’ll watch.
