Category: 1975

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:





A Film By:

Cameos:



Bit Players:

October 11th, 1975

George Carlin

Billy Preston

Janis Ian

Andy Kaufman

The Muppets

Valri Bromfield

Albert Brooks

Paul Simon

Andrew Duncan

Jacqueline Carlin

Richard Belzer

Wendy Craig

Tom Davis

Neil Levy

Tom Schiller

Akira Yoshimura

Al Franken



Season 1: Order Now! WolverinesSummary: SNL’s inaugural sketch features a teacher (Michael O’Donaghue) tutoring English to an immigrant student (John Belushi). Eager to learn, the immigrant mimics his teacher down to the finest detail. Chevy Chase appears as a stagehand at the end.

Transcript

MontageNote: Don Pardo accidentally misannounces the cast as The Not For Ready Prime Time Players.

George Carlin’s MonologueSummary: After entering the stage through the audience, Carlin recites “Baseball and Football” from his new album “An Evening with Wally Londo, Featuring Bill Slazso”.

Note: Carlin wanted to wear a t-shirt, but the network wanted him to wear a suit. As a compromise, Carlin wore a vest and jacket over his t-shirt, and hosted the show while reportedly stoned out of his mind.

Note: Carlin only appears on stage to perform stand-up or introduce the evening’s musical guests.

Bio: George Carlin (1937-2008). Comedian; SNL’s first-ever host; performed “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television” routine on 1972 comedy album, “Class Clown”.

Also Hosted: 84e.

Transcript

New Dad InsuranceSummary: The typical family home is made up of Mom (Jacqueline Carlin), Dad (Dan Aykroyd) and the children. But if Dad suddenly dies, the family’s emotional loss is covered by New Dad (Chevy Chase).

Bio: Jacqueline Carlin. Model; while girlfriend to Chevy Chase, appeared infrequently on SNL in scenes with him; married Chase in 1976, divorced in 1980.

Transcript

Billy Preston performs “Nothing From Nothing”Bio: Billy Preston (1946-). Musician; an organ and piano prodigy with roots in gospel music; often considered the fifth Beatle for his back-up work on their “Let It Be” album.

Lyrics

The CourtroomSummary: A rape victim (Jane Curtin) testifies in court, but can’t bare to repeat the lewd suggestion posed by her attacker. Instead, the pertinent evidence is written on a piece of paper and passed among the jury.

Transcript

Andy KaufmanSummary: Kaufman at first appears nervous, then calmly turns on a recording of the “Mighty Mouse” theme song and lip-syncs a single key lyric.

Note: With the show running long at dress rehearsal, it was suggested that Lorne Michaels cut Kaufman’s performance. He chose to cut a stand-up routine from Billy Crystal instead. Though peeved, Crystal did return later in the season to do another stand-up act.

Bio: Andy Kaufman (1949-84). Comedian; performed eccentric bits that often involved playing with his audience’s heads; on television, he played mechanic Latka Gravas on “Taxi”, 1978-83; portrayed by Jim Carrey in the 1999 bio-pic “Man on the Moon.”

Also Appeared: 75c, 75d, 75o, 76k, 77c, 77g, 77m, 78m, 79b, 79h, 81j, 81s.

Cameos: 79e, 82g, 82j.

Transcript

George Carlin Stand-Up ISummary: Carlin performs some observational stand-up prior to introducing Janis Ian.

Transcript

Janis Ian performs “At Seventeen”Bio: Janis Ian (1951-). Singer-songwriter; burst onto the music scene at age 15, only to disappear from the charts for nearly a decade; her songs specialized in taboo subject matter.

Lyrics

Victims Of Shark BiteSummary: Martin Gresner (John Belushi) claims his limbs have been bitten off by sharks.

Transcript

JamitolSummary: Chevy Chase and Michael O’Donaghue portray a married couple, whose lives have been enrichened by using the advertised product.

Transcript

Next WeekSummary: Paul Simon announces that he’s hosting the show next week.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Anchorman Chevy Chase talks dirty on the phone before commenting on events in the news, while correspondent Laraine Newman reports on the latest murder to occur at the Blaine Motel.

Note: Weekend Update has undergone many personnel – and, on occasion, title – changes over the years, but has remained the one segment that appears on every episode of “Saturday Night Live.”

Transcript

TriopeninSummary: Product’s child-proof safety cap prevents arthritis medicine from being used.

Transcript

The MuppetsSummary: Muppets Ploobis (Jim Henson) & Scred (Jerry Nelson) visit the Mighty Favog (Frank Oz).

Note: The Muppets account for one of the strangest periods in SNL history, their appearance on the show a result of Jim Henson trying to shop out his puppets to adult audiences prior to producing “The Muppet Show.” They were generally disliked by the cast and writers, often dumped upon Al Franken, Tom Davis and Alan Zwiebel to be written for. When referring to the Muppets, Michael O’Donaghue was often quoted as saying, “I won’t write for felt.”

Transcript

George Carlin Stand-Up IISummary: Carlin’s stand-up topics range from the mysterious blue food to a round of oxymorons, before introducing a film by Albert Brooks.

Transcript

“The Impossible Truth”Summary: Albert Brooks reports unlikely news items in his short film.

Note: Albert Brooks was offered the opportunity to host SNL every week. Because he wanted to write and produce short films instead, he suggested that the show use a different host each week. Being from California, Brooks failed to see the merit of doing a live show, suggesting instead that they tape the show twice without stopping tape earlier in the day, and playing the best of both performances in the show’s time slot. Though the show is filmed live each week, the dress rehearsals and live performances would often be edited together for repeats aired later in the season.

Transcript

Bee HospitalSummary: Upon birth, bee fathers are informed of their newborns’ ranks in the hive.

Recurring Characters: Bees.

Note: There was little audience reaction to the sketch, which writers blamed on a faulty PA system. Even though the network advised no more Bee sketches, Lorne Michaels thought the bit was funny and original and insisted on bringing the Bees back each week, making them SNL’s first recurring characters.

Transcript

Academy of Better CareersSummary: Now you can be a stand-by operator, too.

Transcript

Valri BromfieldSummary: Comedian Valri Bromfield mimics a teacher and a volleyball player in her routine.

Bio: Valri Bromfield (1949-). Comedienne; partnered as a comedy team with Dan Aykroyd before they joined the first Toronto company of the Second City; later produced “The Kids in the Hall” for Lorne Michaels.

Transcript

Show Us Your GunsSummary: In a parody of the Lark cigarette commercials, SNL’s film truck passes through the city streets asking to see citizens’ firearms.

Transcript

George Carlin Stand-Up IIISummary: Carlin’s final round of stand-up focuses on God and religion.

Transcript

Billy Preston performs “Fancy Lady”Lyrics

Trojan Horse Home SecuritySummary: Home security technician Kenny Vorstrather (Dan Aykroyd) breaks into a couple’s (John Belushi, Gilda Radner) house to demonstrate how vulnerable they are to a home invasion.

Transcript

Triple-TracSummary: The three-blade razor is designed for people who’ll believe anything they see.

Note: By the 1990’s, three-blade razors became a reality on the consumer market.

Transcript

Janis Ian performs “In The Winter”Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Bee Hospital

Written by: Rosie Shuster

Nurse #1…..Jane Curtin
Mr. Bee #1…..Dan Aykroyd
Nurse #2…..Laraine Newman
Mr. Bee #2…..Garrett Morris
Nurse #3…..Gilda Radner
Mr. Bee #3…..John Belushi
Mr. Bee #4…..Chevy Chase

[ open on “Bee Hospital” title card, over organ-flavored soap opera music ]

Announcer: and now we return to “Bee Hospital.”

[ dissolve to Bee Hospital waiting room, as prospective bee dads pace around one another ]

[ Nurse #1 enters carrying baby bee ]

Nurse #1: Mr. Bee!

Mr. Bee #1: Yes?

Nurse #1: Congratulations! It’s a drone!

Mr. Bee #1: It’s a drone! It’s a drone!

[ the other Bees congratulate him accordingly, as Mr. Bee #1 follows Nurse #1 out of the scene ]

[ the pacing continues, as Nurse #2 enters carrying baby ]

Nurse #2: Mr. Bee?

Mr. Bee #2: Yes?

Nurse #2: Congratulations! It’s a drone!

Mr. Bee #2: It’s a drone! It’s a drone!

[ the other Bees congratulate him accordingly, as Mr. Bee #2 follows Nurse #2 out of the scene ]

[ the pacing continues, as Nurse #3 enters carrying baby ]

Nurse #3: Mr. Bee?

Mr. Bee #3: Yes?

Nurse #3: Congratulations! It’s a worker!

Mr. Bee #3: [ on the verge of disappointment ] It’s a worker?

Other Bees: Hey, it’s a worker. It’s a worker.

Mr. Bee #3: [ happily ] Awwww, it’s a worker!

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: Thus, concludes this week’s chapter of “Bee Hospital.” And, now, a scene from next week’s episode of “Bee Hospital.”

[ dissolve back to the Bee Hospital waiting room, as the prospective bee dads continue to pace around one another ]

[ Nurse #1 enters carrying baby bee ]

Nurse #1: Mr. Bee?

Me. Bee #4: Yes?

Nurse #1: Congratulations, Mr. Bee, it’s a queen!

[ the full group of Bees cheer triumphantly ]

[ dissolve back to title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Valri Bromfield

….. Valri Bromfield

[ FADE IN on an empty home base ]

Don Pardo (V/O): And now, comedienne Valri Bromfield!

[ Bromfield enters to applause. She is a thin, pale woman in a pink shirt and a black skirt ]

Valri Bromfield: I don’t look like a comedian, do I? (starts talking rapidly like a strict school teacher) That’s because I’m not, I’m a school teacher, and I’m going to need a lot of silence in this room if I’m going to talk. (claps three times) People people people, please please, people people, am I in a zoo?! All right people, let’s bring you out of the suburbs and into the city. I’d like to have a few words with you. (casually bites her pinky finger nail) Okay, okay, people…now…today we have a big volleyball game ahead of us, people, and as you know the principal is counting on us winning the cup. (talks to an off-screen “student”) The principal is a what? Is this a French film I’m living in, people? Please! I have a few points and I’d like to make them! (chews on pinky nail again) Okay, well…first of all, we’re in our lovely gym togs and I’d like to keep them looking lovely and crisp. Turquiose and white are a very good combination. But, keep the box pleat nice and neat. Don’t sit down during the game. And another thing people, please, two points I’d like to make here. (crosses her arms over her breasts) Dress shields, girls, dress shields. Just for that little extra freshness. Oh, and people, the hair-styles are very very nice indeed, but let’s keep them back off the eyes, okay? I’ve got some hairnets here…(responds to some imaginary student jeering)…”oohhh” yourselves! Now, people, I’ve got team captain Debbie here. She’d like to have a few words with you before the game, okay? Debbie? (she motions to her left and becomes Debbie, a typical ditzy Valley Girl type) Okay, shut up…(audience applauds) Okay, so we’re going to have a game and everything, I guess, or I wouldn’t be wearing these things! Okay, so the most important thing we have to do is to go out there and be really, really cute, okay? Cause we are really cute. And listen to me, there’s something really great – there’s some guys out there that are such duh’s, you wouldn’t believe! There’s Jimmy and Mark and Connor…and when I think about the guys…I CAN’T GO OUT THERE!! (goes back to normal voice) Have a great game.

[ Valri waves to audience as they applaud. Piano music plays. Fade ]

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Academy of Better Careers

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Woman … Gilda Radner
Salesman …Wendy Craig
Lecturer … George Coe
Instructor … Jane Curtin
Woman with book … Jacqueline Carlin

[Phone rings in someone’s home. A woman picks up.]

Woman: Hello?

[A high pressure salesman, wearing a checkered suit, appears in a superimposed oval, inset next to the woman.]

Salesman: Hello! By just answering this phone call,you have qualified for a challenging new career thatcould earn you up to eighty dollars a day!

Woman: [enthusiastic] Tell me more! [She listens withinterest, sipping from a cup, as the salesman rattles on.]

Salesman: Did you know that the recent glut of latenight TV ads for so-called training schools hascreated a demand for skilled phone answerers to takecalls and write down messages? It’s true. Thecountless schools and institutions that teach youcomputer programming, motel management, airportsurveillance and diesel mechanics — to name but a few– desperately need operators to stand by at the endof their TV ads. Now, ABC [superimposed text reads:Not Affiliated With The American Broadcasting Company]– the Academy of Better Careers — offers you thechance to become one of these sought after, high paidstand-by operators.

[Goofy music begins as we cut to a classroom full ofpeople practicing the fine art of picking up atelephone receiver and saying “Hello” — an instructorcoaches one of the students but the rest are on theirown, picking up receivers and putting them down.]

Salesman: You’ll learn the latest up to the minutephone answering techniques from our staff ofexperienced instructors.

[An attractive woman sits in a chair and reads acolorful children’s book entitled VISIT TO PHONELAND.It features a cartoon character of a smiling phone onthe cover.]

Salesman: You’ll explore the telephone — its past,its present — and even the amazing picture phones ofthe future.

[A bespectacled lecturer in suit and tie uses apointer as he reads from a chalkboard upon which arelisted “AREA CODES OF MANY NATIONS” such as CEYLON -94; CHAD – 235; CHILE – 56; COOKS IS. 685; and COSTARICA – 506.]

Salesman: In only six weeks, our experts will show youeverything you need to know to answer phonesprofessionally.

Lecturer: Ceylon – nine, four. Chad…

[Music ends as we cut back to the woman on the phone,still listening intently to the salesman.]

Salesman: ABC is veteran-approved by the Federal Boardof Public Instruction and is eligible under theStudent–

Woman: Excuse me, Mister. I have to get off.

Salesman: But where are you going?

Woman: To call ABC and start my new career as a soughtafter, high paid stand-by operator!

[The woman hangs up on the stunned salesman. Shestarts drinking from her cup. The salesman reappearsin a superimposed square, inset next to her.]

Salesman: Hey! Don’t let life put you on hold![Startled by his reappearance, the woman puts down hercup and picks up her phone.] Become a stand-byoperator! Call now for free booklet! [Superimposedtext reads: CALL NOW (311) 555-4425] Call (311)555-4425. [Woman, hearing the number, starts to dial.]That’s (311) 555-4425. Operators are standing by totake your call.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

George Carlin Stand-Up I

…..George Carlin

George Carlin: [ mimes trumpet ]

How many of you have heard this in your home: “Where’s the good scissors? I can’t keep anything nice in this house.”

Here’s another thing you don’t hear at home, mostly guys say this: “Hey, who stole my underwear! Somebody stole my underwear!” “Which one?” “This week’s underwear.”

Do you ever look at the crowds in old movies and wonder if they’re dead yet? I can’t help it.

Have you ever tried to throw away an old wastebasket? You can’t do it. People keep bringing it back to you, man. “Hey, uh.. your wastebasket is in the garbage here!”

Check this out. When you have a package of bacon, underneath all the neat, horizontal strips, there’s always one weird piece of bacon. [ leans back and stretches his arms out ]

What do dogs do on their day off? They can’t lie around, that’s their job, man!

As you know, they search you pretty well at the airport. There’ll be lots of places later they’ll be searching us, but the airport is where they’re kind of trying it out. And, as you know, they search your bags, too, to make sure there’s no weapons. “Don’t want any weapons on the plane! you know.” They have the little fluoroscope job, and they run you through the model home, and: “No weapons! Let ’em on!” Yuo get on the plane, and you’re clean! What do they do, they give you a knife and a fork, and all the wine you can drink, man. I mean, I could take over a plane with a piece of looseleaf paper, right? Just hold it at the stewardess’s head and threaten paper cuts! “Do what he says! Do what he says!”

Oh.. there’s a moment.. coming. There’s a moment coming, it’s.. it’s not here yet. It’s on the way.. It’s still in the future. Here.. here it is! [ a beat ] Oh.. it’s gone, man. There’s no present, man. Everything is the near future and the recent past. No wonder we can’t get anything together, we’ve got no time, huh?

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

George Carlin Stand-Up II

…..George Carlin

George Carlin: [ makes faces ]

Did you ever dial the phone and forget who you’re calling? Don’t you feel dumb? You don’t know whether to hang on and hope you remember the voice or not.. Then when you remember who it was, you have to call back, so you change your voice so they don’t think you’re a moron.

Did you ever look at yourself in store windows when you’re walking past the stores? “Hey, I look cool in the store window, man! [ lukewarm audience reaction ] Have I done these jokes before tonight? Please tell me.

Why is there no blue food? I can’t find blue food – I can’t find the flavor of blue! I mean, green is lime; yellow is lemon; orange is orange; red is cherry; what’s blue? There’s no blue! Oh, they say, “Blueberries!” Uh-uh; blue on the vine, purple on the plate. There’s no blue food! Where is the blue food? We want the blue food! Probably instores immortality! They’re keeping it from us!

I’ll take my vitamin. Do you take vitamins? Did you ever travel with vitamins? Oh, well.. if you take a lot of vitamins, and they’re not the kind that says “Joe’s Vitamins” on the side – the plain-looking vitamins – and you have a whole lot, and you don’t the whole big jumbo thing on the road, you take as many as you need – and they’re not marked. And the jar you put them in isn’t marked. If a policeman really wants to give you a hard time, he can hold you overnight while they check the vitamins. That’s why I travel with Flintstone vitamins!

The term Jumbo Shrimp has always amazed me. What is a Jumbo Shrimp? I mean, it’s like Military Intelligence – the words don’t go together, man.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

George Carlin Stand-Up III

…..George Carlin

George Carlin: [ makes face ] It’s already Sunday, and it’s God’s day OFF!! That’s what it said in the Bible – He worked six days, then He took Sunday off. It’s His one day off, and THAT’S the day we all go in and crowd the church and ask him: [ mumbles praying sounds ] “It’s my day off, man!”

Well, we create God in our own image and likeness. No question about that. Every time I see a picture of God, I mean, He has knees and toenails, right? Uh – and a good example – a better example – of our kind of self-centeredness, when it comes to God – when we put a statue of Jesus on the dashboard, instead of having Him looking out and watching for traffic, which is what He should be doing, we have Him watching us drive. [ mimes operating a steering wheel with frenzy ] “Heeeeyyy!! Watch THIS, Jesus! Left turn!” Yuo ever see a statue leap? Jumped right up into the baby shoes that time. Don’t worry, don’t worry – the universe is in balance, because Jesus has a statue of a middle-class American hypocrite on His dashboard. It’s alright. Things work out well.

But, uh – we are so conceited about this God concept, that we, we’ll go around describing Him to each other. I mean, we say, “He’s infinite, and we can never undertand Him – but I’ll describe him for ‘ya!” What – well, here’s what it’s like – first of all, first of all, uh, He knows everything. He knows absolutely everything. I don’t even know what I’m talking about, He knows what I mean. Secondly, He never started and He’s never gonna end. And third, He is all powerful. He can do anything. He can throw a car right over a wall. He’s just like us – He’s a cool guy, that’s all God is, a cool guy. That’s what all the religions told us: “He’s like us, He’s us.” That’s what all the big ones, all the big religions said, “Love yourself, Love your God, Love your neighbor, because you’re all basically the same person. We just don’t have uniforms yet, that’s all.”

And we do go for that, don’t we? We kinda buy that. “Oh, yeah, I’m God. Sure. Stanley is God. Arlene is God. God and me are Arlene and Stanley.” It makes things a little complicated, but we do kinda believe God. And if God is like us, I think he may perhaps be subject to Physical Laws. I mean, supernatural? [ grimaces ] But subject to Physical Laws, possibly. It would explain a lot of things. It would explain why He always has to send an angel as a messenger. I mean, if He’s God, why doesn’t He show up? “Hey, I got a message for ‘ya, here you go.” He sends an angel. And the angel always flies in over a mountain – I mean, that implies that you’re traversing over a phyical space. So, possibly, uh, God is subject to Physical Laws. People say, “Well, if God is so benevolent, how can He let people suffer?” [ shrugs his shoulders ] He can’t help, it lady! He’s subject to Physical Laws!

Maybe He’s only a, uh, semi Supreme being. Because He’s like us, and we’re not perfect. I-I think God may not be, uh, perfect. I think His work.. shows that. Take a look at a mountain range – they’re all crooked, they’re never in line. All different sizes. There are no two leaves that same. He can’t even give two people the same fingerprints! He’s had BILLIONS of years to work on some of this stuff! And EVERYTHING He has ever MADE.. DIED!! Everything so far!! [ audience applauds ] So far! Where did He get this great reputation? He’s batting .000!

Now, some religions – which are not to be confused with God – some religions will tell you that it’s quite okay not to worry about your own life. Religion has a way of relieving yourself of any responsibility for your acts. It’s God’s will! “Oh, I ran over the kid in the driveway, yes, but don’t look at me! [ chuckles ] God’s will!” Can’t you see a lynch mob going, “Let’s get this guy, God! That’s the fourth kid He’s killed this week!”

Religion – religion, at best – at BEST – is like a lift in your shoe. If you need it for a while, and it makes you walk straight and feel better – fine. But you don’t need it forever, or you can become permanently disabled. Religion is like a lift in the shoe, and I say just don’t ask me to wear your shoes. And let’s not go down and nail lifts onto the natives’ feet.

[ audience applauds ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

The Courtroom

Judge…..George Coe
Prosecuter…..Chevy Chase
Ms. Davis….Jane Curtin
Defense Attorney…..Garrett Morris
Juror #1…..Dan Aykroyd
Juror # 2…..John Belushi
Juror #3…..Gilda Radner
Jurors….. Richard Belzer, Tom Davis, Neil Levy

[open on courtroom ]

Judge: [throwing down the gavel] Now I must have order please or I’m forced to clear this courtroom.

Prosecutor: [questioning Ms. Davis ] Ms. Davis, could you kindly tell the court in your own words what the defendent allegedly said to you when he pulled you into the alleyway?

Ms. Davis: He said “Hey . . . Hey, baby, h-how’d you like to, ummm . . . I can’t, I . . .

Judge: [throws the gavel again] Now, please, Ms. Davis. I know this is very difficult for you but this is extremely important evidence.

Ms. Davis: He said “h-how’d you like to, ummm . . . Don’t make me say it . . .

Defense Attorney: (strangely Jamaican) Objection. The witness is not on trial here. Now obviously what he said was too upsetting for her to repeat.

Prosecutor: Objection. heresay.

Judge: Gentlemen, gentlemen. (atttorneys approach the bench) Now since this evidence is so extremely important, perhaps Ms. Davis might write down the defendent’s remarks on a piece of paper. (Both attorneys concur)

(Ms. Davis writes down the remarks and hands the paper to the Judge. He is speechless from the paper and hands it to the Defense Attorney. Also speechless, he hands it to the Prosecutor. He is startled and annoyedand hands it to jury. Juror #1 is not amused by the paper, hands it to Juror #2, who is also shocked by it. Juror #2 sees Juror #3 is asleep and nudges her to wake up and read the paper. After perusing thepaper, Juror #3 turns to Juror #2 and gives the “Okay” to his “proposition”. Juror #2 is flattered (gives that signature Belushi “eyebrow raise”).)

[ fade ]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Goodnights

…..George Carlin

George Carlin: Just wanna thank you all for havingsome live fun with us — you at home andeverybody here. And wanna thank all the guests, ofcourse: Janis Ian, Billy Preston, Albert Brooks, theMuppets, Valri Bromfield, Andy Kaufman, the Not quiteReady for Prime Time Players and everyone who tookpart in this. And I would not be sensible and sane ifI didn’t tell ya [holds up a copy of hisGrammy-nominated comedy album “An Evening with WallyLondo, Featuring Bill Slazso”] I got a brand new albumthis week. I hope you’ll see it. Bye-bye.

[Applause. The SNL Band plays the closing theme forthe first time. Carlin waves goodnight, interacts withthe crowd and, at one point, mimes falling asleep aswe see the following credits:]

DELTA AIRLINES has paid for a promotional announcement

Limousines Furnished by LONDON TOWNCARS

Costumes Furnished by BROOKS VAN HORNE

produced by LORNE ‘BUD’ MICHAELS

directed by DAVE ‘BUD’ WILSON

written by
ANNE ‘BUD’ BEATTS
CHEVY ‘BUD’ CHASE
AL ‘BUD’ FRANKEN and TOM ‘BUD’ DAVIS
LORNE ‘BUD’ MICHAELS
ROSIE ‘BUD’ MICHAELS
GARRETT ‘BUD’ MORRIS
MICHAEL ‘BUD’ O’DONOGHUE
HERB ‘BUD’ SARGENT
TOM ‘BUD’ SCHILLER
ALAN ‘BUD’ ZWEIBEL

script consultant
HERB ‘BUD’ SARGENT

writing supervised by
MICHAEL ‘BUD’ O’DONOGHUE
LORNE ‘BUD’ MICHAELS

associate producer
BARBARA ‘BUD’ GALLAGHER

production and costumes designed by
EUGENE ‘BUD’ LEE
FRANNE ‘BUD’ LEE

music director
HOWARD ‘BUD’ SHORE

film segments produced by
PENELOPE ‘BUD’ SPHEERIS
GARY ‘BUD’ WEIS

title sequence
EDIE ‘BUD’ BASKIN

talent consultant
CRAIG ‘BUD’ KELLEM

talent scout
JOHN ‘BUD’ HEAD

assistant to the producer
AUDREY ‘BUD’ DICKMAN

production manager
EDWARD ‘BUD’ DYAS

unit manager
JIM FOX

technical director
HEINO RIPP

lighting directors
BOB DAVIS
HERB GREELEY

audio
SCOTTY SCHACTER

video
TONY NELLE

associate director
PETER FATOVICH

stage managers
JOE DICSO
BOB VAN RY

makeup
FRANCES KOLAR

hairstyles
TED LONG

production assistant
NEIL LEVY

design assistance by
DONNA ‘BUD’ TOMAS
AKITA ‘BUD’ YOSHIMURA

graphics
BOB ‘BUD’ POOK

executive producer for NBC
DICK ‘BUD’ EBERSOL

this has been an NBC television network production

[Toward the end of the credits, we pan up to thechandelier hanging above home base. The image of thechandelier eventually goes out of focus and the showends.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Show Us Your Guns

[A gated flatbed truck rolls slowly down a tree-linedroad. Standing in the bed are a camera crew and agroup of people who wave and hold a large sign thatreads: SHOW US YOUR GUNS]

Announcer: We at Saturday Night wanted to see whatkind of people carry guns. So we took our camera crewinto the streets to find out.

[We hear a rousing version of the William TellOverture as the camera tracks slowly past variouspeople, all of whom smile and proudly display theirguns to the camera:

Two young boys watch as their father, wearing a chef’shat and apron, emerges from behind his backyard grillto hold up a rifle. A smiling blonde, leaning againsta lamppost, pulls a pistol from her large carrying bagand holds it up above her head. A man guides a lawnmower with one hand as he pulls a small pistol fromhis back pocket with the other. A housewife, in gownand slippers, emerges from her home and walks down herfront steps with a submachine gun.

The truck rolls through town, the camera crew stillfilming, the others in the truck still smiling, wavingand holding the large SHOW US YOUR GUNS sign.

More proud gun owners: At a gas station, a motoriststands by her car, holding a rifle above her head astwo employees wave pistols. On a sidewalk, a motherreaches down into the baby stroller she is pushing topull out a revolver. Two masked gunmen rush out of aliquor store, see the camera, and pause to hold uptheir weapons before racing off down the sidewalk withtheir loot — followed, moments later, by a liquorstore clerk who levels a pistol at the departingcrooks but, before firing, notices the camera andhappily holds up his gun. A woman, clipping hedges inher yard, turns to see the camera and quickly whips arevolver out of her pants suit.

We get a closer view of the truck rolling by as thecrew holds their sign, smiles, points, and wavesencouragement to still more gun owners:

Two shady-looking, mustachioed men stand by their carand peer at the camera: one starts to reach into hisinside jacket pocket but his companion puts a hand onhim and shakes his head — so they merely wave andsmile. A little old lady on a park bench waves herwhite gloves at the camera, then reaches into herpurse to pull out an automatic. A uniformed trafficcop sees the sign, looks into his holster, realizeshis gun is missing, shrugs unconcernedly, looks aroundat the ground for it, can’t find it, shrugs again, andwaves a friendly goodbye as the camera moves off. Awedding party on the steps of a church hurl rice atthe bride and groom — all pause upon seeing theoncoming camera, then the groom holds up a pistol, thebride a machine gun, and the wedding guests anassortment of firearms.

As the William Tell Overture reaches its climax, wesee one last shot of the people on the truck …]

Announcer: When you see our Saturday Night truck inyour neighborhood, show us your guns!

[Dissolve to a large number of people standing infront of the Briarcliff hardware store, waving theirweapons proudly into the camera as we fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts