SNL Transcripts: George Carlin: 10/11/75: Andy Kaufman



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1



75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Andy Kaufman

…..Andy Kaufman

Announcer: And now, here’s Andy Kaufman!

[ Kaufman stands next to a record player, looking nervously at the audience for several seconds, before finally turning the record player on ] [ Theme From “Mighty Mouse” cartoon begins to play ]

Record:
Mister Trouble never hangs around
When he hears this Mighty sound:

Andy Kaufman: [ raises left arm and lip-synchs: ]“Here I come to save the day!”

Record:
That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way!

Yes sir, when there is a wrong to right
Mighty Mouse will join the fight.

[ Kaufman starts to lip-synch his part by mistake, then stops himself ]

Record:
On the sea or on the land
He gets the situation well in hand.

So though we are in danger, we never despair
‘Cause we know that where there’s danger, he is there!
He is there! On the land! On the sea! In the air!

We’re not worryin’ at all
We’re just listenin’ for his call:

Andy Kaufman: [ raises left arm and lip-synchs: ]“Here I come to save the day!”

Record:
That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way!

[ during instrumental break, Kaufman reaches for a glass of water to wet his lips ]

Record:
We’re not worryin’ at all
We’re just listenin’ for his call:

Andy Kaufman: [ raises left arm and lip-synchs: ]“Here I come to save the day!”

Record:
That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way!

[ Kaufman bows to the audience ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: George Carlin: 10/11/75: George Carlin’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1



75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

George Carlin’s Monologue

…..George Carlin

George Carlin: Thank you! Talk about a live show! It’s nice to see you, welcome, and thanks for joining us – live. Um.. I’m kinda glad that we’re on at night, so that we’re not competing with all the football and baseball. So many, man.. And this is the time of year when there’s both, you know?

Football’s kinda nice, they changed it a little bit – they moved the hash marks in. Guys found it and smoked them, anyway! But you know, football wants to be the number-one sport, the national pasttime. And I think it already is, really, because football represents something we are – we are Europe, Jr. When you get right down to it, we’re Europe, Jr. We play a Eurpe game. What was the Europe game? [ high voice ] “Let’s take their land away from them! You’ll be the pink, on up; we’ll be blue, the red and the green!”

Ground acquisition. And that’s what football is, football’s a ground acquisition game. You knock the crap out of eleven guys and take their land away from them. Of course, we only do it ten yards at a time. That’s the way we did it with the Indians – we won it little by little. First down in Ohio – Midwest to go!

Let’s put it this way – there are things about the words surrounding football and baseball, which give it all away:

Football is technological; baseball is pastoral.

Football is played in a stadium; baseball is played in the park.

In football, you wear a helmet; in baseball, you wear a cap.

Football is played on an enclosed, rectangular grid, and everyone of them is the same size; baseball is played on an ever-widening angle that reaches to inifinity, and every park is different!

Football is rigidly timed; baseball has no time limit, we don’t know when it’s gonna end! We might even have extra innings!

In football, you get a penalty; in baseball, you make an error – whoops!

The object in football is to march downfield and penetrate enemy territory, and get into the end zone; in baseball, the object is to go home! “I’m going home!”

And, in football, they have the clip, the hit, the block, the tackle, the blitz, the bomb, the offense and the defense; in baseball, they have.. the sacrifice.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: George Carlin: 10/11/75: The Muppets



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1






75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

The Muppets

Ploobis…..Jim Henson
Scred…..Jerry Nelson
Peuta…..Alice Tweedy
Vazh…..Rhonda Hansome
Mighty Favog…..Frank Oz

[ The camera pans across a deserted, rocky landscape — craters filled with smoky, bubbling slime. ]

Announcer: Come with us now… from the bubbling tarpits to the sulfurous wasteland… from the rotting forest to the stagnant mud flats…

Ploobis: [ singing ] From the bubbling tarpits… to the sulfurous wasteland… This land was made for me! And me only! Cause I am Ploobis! King of all I survey. [ Ploobis reaches into a crater and picks up a phone receiver. ] Scred! Scred!

[ Scred enters. ]

Scred: Yes, oh high supreme mucky muck, sir!

Ploobis: Scred, I’m hungry.

Scred: Ohh… what would please your flatulence?

[ Ploobis grabs Scred by the throat. ]

Ploobis: FOOD! See, I’m hungry — and when I get hungry, I get a headache. [ He shakes Scred by the throat a bit. ] And when I get a headache, I get, uh…

Scred: Furious?

Ploobis: No.

Scred: Angry?

Ploobis: [ shaking Scred ] NO!

Scred: Cranky!

Ploobis: NO!

Scred: Peevish!

Ploobis: NO!

Scred: Irked!

Ploobis: NO!

Scred: MILDLY ANNOYED!

Ploobis: That’s IT! [ He releases Scred, who gasps for breath. ]

Scred: Oh, thank you, sire.

Ploobis: I get mildly annoyed when I don’t have food.

Scred: I’ll see to it immediately, your grossness.

[ Scred slinks off. ]

Ploobis: Hmmm. This is something Peuta should have taken care of.

[ Queen Peuta enters, shrieking. ]

Peuta: I heard that! [ Ploobis winces. ] I don’t have time to worry about your food. Especially in my condition.

Ploobis: Mmmm.

Peuta: I said, especially in my condition.

Ploobis: Especially in your condition.

Peuta: Yes.

Ploobis: Rrgh. What do you expect me to do about it? You’re too old to molt.

Peuta: Arrgh! Oh, Ploobis — I don’t know what my problem is. I’m just not in the swing of things. You see… I’m having tremendous difficulty releasing my darts.

Ploobis: Releasing your darts. Urrgh. What should I do about it?

[ Scred enters and hides behind Ploobis. ]

Peuta: Go to The Mighty Favog. He’s the only one who can relieve my pain.

Ploobis: Mmm. Your pain is my pain, m’dear.

Peuta: I’m going to lie down now. Perhaps the darts will loosen.

[ Peuta exits. ]

Scred: Uh, would it help if I massaged your moogies? [ Ploobis grabs Scred. ] Ow ow ow ow! Only joking, only kidding, your majesty!

Ploobis: Don’t say it if you don’t mean it. [ He releases Scred. ]

Scred: Yes, sire.

[ Scred exits, and Vazh enters, bearing food. ]

Ploobis: Ah, there you are.

Vazh: Here’s your food, Ploobis!

Ploobis: Well, thank you, Vazh — what’ve you got here? Grrrh… [ Ploobis can’t get the prop turkey leg off Vazh’s hand. This is one of the problems with live TV puppetry. Vazh falls partly out of shot as Ploobis grabs the meat. ] Let go of it, would you? Mmmm. [ He tastes the meat. ] Tastes like boiled Kleenex. Mmph. This tastes familiar — is this anyone I know?

Vazh: Will you want dessert, Ploobis?

Ploobis: Unnnh. What I want, Angel Buns — is not on the menu. [ He embraces her. ] C’mere, you. Ohhh. Yeah. Oh, sweetheart. Mmm.

[ Peuta enters and interrupts. ]

Peuta: Ploobis! What are you doing?

[ Ploobis starts, throwing Vazh to the floor with a crash. ]

Ploobis: Ah! Well, uh — excuse me, ma’am. [ Vazh gets up, cradling her head. ] Uh. I was just on my way to The Mighty Favog, y’see.

[ GONNGGG! The Mighty Favog is revealed. ]

Favog: DIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG. HOW MANY IN YOUR PARTY?

[ Ploobis and Scred approach respectfully. ]

Ploobis: Uh… one! Me and Scred.

Favog: TALK TA ME.

Ploobis: Oh, Mighty Favog! I got a problem.

Favog: BUSINESS, SPORTS OR PERSONAL?

Ploobis: Uh… Scred?

Scred: Medical, your grossness.

Ploobis: Oh, Mighty Favog, it’s medical.

Favog: MEDICAL.

Ploobis: Mmm.

Favog: IT’S GONNA COST YA.

[ Ploobis looks uneasily at Scred. ]

Favog: THREE CHICKENS, TWO SWANS, AND A DUCK.

Ploobis: Holy guacamole. Whatcha got on you, Scred?

Scred: Just two chickens. But that’s carfare home!

Ploobis: Oh Favog, I offer you two chickens — it’s all I’ve got!

Favog: BUSINESS IS SLOW. I’LL TAKE ‘EM.

Ploobis: Hand him the chickens.

Scred: Oh, okay — but phooey, anyway. [ Scred holds two chickens over the sacrificial hole. ] Are you ready?

Favog: LAY ‘EM ON YOUR GOD!

Scred: Here they come!

[ Scred drops the chickens into the hole. They land with a splash, and there’s a flushing sound as The Mighty Favog digests the sacrifice. He smacks his lips. ]

Favog: AWRIGHT. STATE YOUR PROBLEM.

Ploobis: Oh, Mighty Favog! My charming wife Peuta can’t release her darts.

Favog: MMMMM. AWRIGHT. YA READY?

Ploobis & Scred: We are ready, Oh Mighty Favog!

[ There’s a clap of thunder and a flash of lightning. ]

Favog: HERE IS THE ANSWER!

Ploobis: Yeah?

Favog: CHEER UP. THINGS COULD BE WORSE.

[ GONG!!! ]

Ploobis: For that, I paid two chickens?

Favog: LIKE I SAID — CHEER UP, THINGS COULD BE WORSE. YOU COULDA PAID FOUR CHICKENS. NEXT!

[ Scred and Ploobis walk off. ]

Scred: You can’t argue with that…

Ploobis: Yeah, but…

Favog: I’M HERE EVERY DAY! TELL YER FRIENDS!

[ fade ]

Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: George Carlin: 10/11/75: Billy Preston performs “Nothing From Nothing”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1




75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Billy Preston performs “Nothing From Nothing”

from the album: The Kids & Me (1974)

…..Billy Preston

[ open on a close-up of a set of drums, as the opening notes of the song begins to play ] [ cut to the back wall of the musical stage, focus on a mural featuring the likenesses of Billy Preston. Zoom out to reveal Preston and his band jamming cheerfully on their instruments. ]

Don Pardo V/O: And, now – Billy Preston, with “Nothing From Nothing!”

Billy Preston:
“Nothing from nothing leaves nothing
You gotta have something, if you wanna be with me.
Nothing from nothing leaves nothing
You gotta have something, if you wanna be with me.

Yeah, yeah!
That’s right, baby
Yeah, baby.
Yeah!

I’m not tryin’ to be your hero
‘Cause that zero, is too cold for me – brrr!I’m not tryin’ to be your highness
‘Cause that minus is too low to see.

Oh, yeah
Yeah!
Yeah, yeah
Yeah!

Nothing from nothing leaves nothing
And I’m not stuffin’, believe you me
Don’t you remember I told ya, I’m a soldier
In the war on poverty.

Yes, I am
Yeah, yeah
Yeah!
Yeah, baby.

[ break ]

Nothing from nothing leaves nothing – isn’t that right?
You got to have something, if you wanna be with me – oh, baby!
Nothing from nothing leaves nothing
You got to have something to be with me.”

Yeah, baby
Yeah!
That’s right!
Yeah
Go ‘head!

You got to have something, if you wanna be with me
You got to bring me something, girl – ha! – if you wanna be with me
You got to know how to party
You got to know how to party
You got to know how to party, it’s alright
If you wanna be with me!”

SNL Transcripts