SNL Transcripts: George Carlin: 10/11/75: George Carlin Stand-Up I

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

George Carlin Stand-Up I

…..George Carlin

George Carlin: [ mimes trumpet ]

How many of you have heard this in your home: “Where’s the good scissors? I can’t keep anything nice in this house.”

Here’s another thing you don’t hear at home, mostly guys say this: “Hey, who stole my underwear! Somebody stole my underwear!” “Which one?” “This week’s underwear.”

Do you ever look at the crowds in old movies and wonder if they’re dead yet? I can’t help it.

Have you ever tried to throw away an old wastebasket? You can’t do it. People keep bringing it back to you, man. “Hey, uh.. your wastebasket is in the garbage here!”

Check this out. When you have a package of bacon, underneath all the neat, horizontal strips, there’s always one weird piece of bacon. [ leans back and stretches his arms out ]

What do dogs do on their day off? They can’t lie around, that’s their job, man!

As you know, they search you pretty well at the airport. There’ll be lots of places later they’ll be searching us, but the airport is where they’re kind of trying it out. And, as you know, they search your bags, too, to make sure there’s no weapons. “Don’t want any weapons on the plane! you know.” They have the little fluoroscope job, and they run you through the model home, and: “No weapons! Let ’em on!” Yuo get on the plane, and you’re clean! What do they do, they give you a knife and a fork, and all the wine you can drink, man. I mean, I could take over a plane with a piece of looseleaf paper, right? Just hold it at the stewardess’s head and threaten paper cuts! “Do what he says! Do what he says!”

Oh.. there’s a moment.. coming. There’s a moment coming, it’s.. it’s not here yet. It’s on the way.. It’s still in the future. Here.. here it is! [ a beat ] Oh.. it’s gone, man. There’s no present, man. Everything is the near future and the recent past. No wonder we can’t get anything together, we’ve got no time, huh?

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: George Carlin: 10/11/75: Victims of Shark Bite

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Victims of Shark Bite

Phyllis Crawford…..Jane Curtin
Martin Gresner…..John Belushi

[ open on title graphic ] [ Music Over: “Mack the Knife”, Bobby Darin ] [ dissolve to talk show set ]

Phyllis Crawford: Hi, I’m Phyllis Crawford, and welcome to “Victims of Shark Bite.” My first guest: Mr. Martin Gresner from Long Island, New York.

[ reveal Mr. Gresner, sitting in a chair with one leg under the other and one sleeve dangling without an accompanying arm ]

Phyllis Crawford: Mr. Gresner.. would you tell our audience just how you became a victim of shark bite?

Martin Gresner: I’d be happy to, Phyllis. Uh.. I was swimming about fifty yards offshore from my summer home in Mattatuck, Long Island. It was high tide, and, all of a sudden, I felt this sharp, piercing pain in my left shoulder. I didn’t know what it was at first, uh.. my left arm felt.. numb. Well, my arm was gone. Since then, I’ve had to learn to do everything with my right hand.

Phyllis Crawford: Just when did this incident take place?

Martin Gresner: [ tilts his head back to think ] Oh, I’d say maybe.. [ his left hand pokes out from under his dangling sleeve as he counts on his fingers ] ..three, four months ago. [ returns his left hand under his sleeve ] I’ve had, uh.. I’ve learned how to shave with my right hand, and eat with one hand —

Phyllis Crawford: Excuse me, Mr. Gresner, but it appears to me as though you do have a left arm there.

Martin Gresner: Nope! It’s gone, see? [ uses his right hand to toss his dangling sleeve over his shoulder ] Shark bit it off! Nothing there!

Phyllis Crawford: No, Mr. Gresner, that’s your sleeve. [ raises his empty sleeve, then flips the side of his jacket to reveal his hidden left arm ] You do have a left arm, and it looks perfectly normal to me.

Martin Gresner: [ lifts his left arm and examines it ] It does?

Phyllis Crawford: Yes.

Martin Gresner: [ taps his left fingers nervously as he looks down at his right leg tucked under his left leg ] Oh, it was my leg! It was my leg! He bit my leg off, see? I have to hop around on one foot, I’m an invalid, I have a wheelchair —

Phyllis Crawford: Uh, Mr. Gresner, you do have a leg there, it’s tucked under your other leg. [ grabs his right foot and thrusts his leg out ] You see? You’re fine! There’s nothing wrong with you.

Martin Gresner: Well, I saw that movie where that guy had his leg bit off —

Phyllis Crawford: [ slightly annoyed tone ] We’ll be back with another victim of shark bite after this commercial message.

Martin Gresner: [ points to his chin ] I’ve got a scar here, where my sister pushed me off a porch, and —

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: George Carlin: 10/11/75: George Carlin Stand-Up II

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

George Carlin Stand-Up II

…..George Carlin

George Carlin: [ makes faces ]

Did you ever dial the phone and forget who you’re calling? Don’t you feel dumb? You don’t know whether to hang on and hope you remember the voice or not.. Then when you remember who it was, you have to call back, so you change your voice so they don’t think you’re a moron.

Did you ever look at yourself in store windows when you’re walking past the stores? “Hey, I look cool in the store window, man! [ lukewarm audience reaction ] Have I done these jokes before tonight? Please tell me.

Why is there no blue food? I can’t find blue food – I can’t find the flavor of blue! I mean, green is lime; yellow is lemon; orange is orange; red is cherry; what’s blue? There’s no blue! Oh, they say, “Blueberries!” Uh-uh; blue on the vine, purple on the plate. There’s no blue food! Where is the blue food? We want the blue food! Probably instores immortality! They’re keeping it from us!

I’ll take my vitamin. Do you take vitamins? Did you ever travel with vitamins? Oh, well.. if you take a lot of vitamins, and they’re not the kind that says “Joe’s Vitamins” on the side – the plain-looking vitamins – and you have a whole lot, and you don’t the whole big jumbo thing on the road, you take as many as you need – and they’re not marked. And the jar you put them in isn’t marked. If a policeman really wants to give you a hard time, he can hold you overnight while they check the vitamins. That’s why I travel with Flintstone vitamins!

The term Jumbo Shrimp has always amazed me. What is a Jumbo Shrimp? I mean, it’s like Military Intelligence – the words don’t go together, man.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: George Carlin: 10/11/75: Triopenin

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian


Written by: Tom Schiller

Announcer …
Hands … Chevy Chase

[Close-up of spotlit hands on a black background.]

Announcer V/O: Arthritis in the adult is painful,lonely, and sometimes difficult to manage.

[The sore, aching hands massage one another’s joints.]

Arthritis is particularly annoying when coupled withneuralgia and severe muscular tension. Abrupt weatherchanges can add discomfort.

[Flashing red lights indicate soreness and pain in thehands.]

Inflamed tissues can cause local swelling, calling forspecial relief.

[A medicine bottle magically appears between thehands.]

Triopenin, [pronounced: TRY OPENIN’] a compound ofpowerful anti-arthritic spantials and antihistamines,speeds soothing relief where needed.

[The hands try unsuccessfully to unscrew the bottle’stop.]

Triopenin is gentle, non-habit-forming, aids insoothing muscles and liberating stiff, painful joints.

[The hands pound on the bottle top and then try to pryit off, to no avail.]

Soon, you’re handling life again, feeling better, andgetting a firm grasp on the situation.

[Dissolve to a graphic that reads TRIOPENIN with aphoto of two bottles — one of them shattered, thepink pills spilled across a blue background.]

Triopenin — get your hands working again. Now withthe new childproof safety cap.


Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts