Category: 1975

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Victims of Shark Bite

Phyllis Crawford…..Jane Curtin
Martin Gresner…..John Belushi

[ open on title graphic ]

[ Music Over: “Mack the Knife”, Bobby Darin ]

[ dissolve to talk show set ]

Phyllis Crawford: Hi, I’m Phyllis Crawford, and welcome to “Victims of Shark Bite.” My first guest: Mr. Martin Gresner from Long Island, New York.

[ reveal Mr. Gresner, sitting in a chair with one leg under the other and one sleeve dangling without an accompanying arm ]

Phyllis Crawford: Mr. Gresner.. would you tell our audience just how you became a victim of shark bite?

Martin Gresner: I’d be happy to, Phyllis. Uh.. I was swimming about fifty yards offshore from my summer home in Mattatuck, Long Island. It was high tide, and, all of a sudden, I felt this sharp, piercing pain in my left shoulder. I didn’t know what it was at first, uh.. my left arm felt.. numb. Well, my arm was gone. Since then, I’ve had to learn to do everything with my right hand.

Phyllis Crawford: Just when did this incident take place?

Martin Gresner: [ tilts his head back to think ] Oh, I’d say maybe.. [ his left hand pokes out from under his dangling sleeve as he counts on his fingers ] ..three, four months ago. [ returns his left hand under his sleeve ] I’ve had, uh.. I’ve learned how to shave with my right hand, and eat with one hand —

Phyllis Crawford: Excuse me, Mr. Gresner, but it appears to me as though you do have a left arm there.

Martin Gresner: Nope! It’s gone, see? [ uses his right hand to toss his dangling sleeve over his shoulder ] Shark bit it off! Nothing there!

Phyllis Crawford: No, Mr. Gresner, that’s your sleeve. [ raises his empty sleeve, then flips the side of his jacket to reveal his hidden left arm ] You do have a left arm, and it looks perfectly normal to me.

Martin Gresner: [ lifts his left arm and examines it ] It does?

Phyllis Crawford: Yes.

Martin Gresner: [ taps his left fingers nervously as he looks down at his right leg tucked under his left leg ] Oh, it was my leg! It was my leg! He bit my leg off, see? I have to hop around on one foot, I’m an invalid, I have a wheelchair —

Phyllis Crawford: Uh, Mr. Gresner, you do have a leg there, it’s tucked under your other leg. [ grabs his right foot and thrusts his leg out ] You see? You’re fine! There’s nothing wrong with you.

Martin Gresner: Well, I saw that movie where that guy had his leg bit off —

Phyllis Crawford: [ slightly annoyed tone ] We’ll be back with another victim of shark bite after this commercial message.

Martin Gresner: [ points to his chin ] I’ve got a scar here, where my sister pushed me off a porch, and —

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Triopenin

Written by: Tom Schiller

Announcer …
Hands … Chevy Chase

[Close-up of spotlit hands on a black background.]

Announcer V/O: Arthritis in the adult is painful,lonely, and sometimes difficult to manage.

[The sore, aching hands massage one another’s joints.]

Arthritis is particularly annoying when coupled withneuralgia and severe muscular tension. Abrupt weatherchanges can add discomfort.

[Flashing red lights indicate soreness and pain in thehands.]

Inflamed tissues can cause local swelling, calling forspecial relief.

[A medicine bottle magically appears between thehands.]

Triopenin, [pronounced: TRY OPENIN’] a compound ofpowerful anti-arthritic spantials and antihistamines,speeds soothing relief where needed.

[The hands try unsuccessfully to unscrew the bottle’stop.]

Triopenin is gentle, non-habit-forming, aids insoothing muscles and liberating stiff, painful joints.

[The hands pound on the bottle top and then try to pryit off, to no avail.]

Soon, you’re handling life again, feeling better, andgetting a firm grasp on the situation.

[Dissolve to a graphic that reads TRIOPENIN with aphoto of two bottles — one of them shattered, thepink pills spilled across a blue background.]

Triopenin — get your hands working again. Now withthe new childproof safety cap.

[fade]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Triple-Trac

Announcer…..Andrew Duncan
Caveman…..Al Franken

[ FADE IN on a caveman on his knees by a river ]

Announcer (V/O): In the dawn of civilization, long before the Bronze Age, man first began his search for the close shave.

[ The caveman takes a club and hits himself in the face. DISSOLVE to the announcer speaking to the camera against a black background ]

Announcer: Since then, man has been ardently striding to design the perfect shaving instrument.

[ Shots of various razors are shown ]

Announcer (V/O): From the straight razor, to the safety razor, to the injector system, amd finally the highly acclaimed twinblade cartridge.

[ The announcer picks up a twinblade and shows it to the camera ]

Announcer: Almost perfect, yet not quite the superlative groom. Introducing the Triple-Trac.

[ DISSOLVE to a close-up of the three-bladed Triple-Trac razor ]

Announcer (V/O): Not just two blades in one system, but three stainless, platinum teflex-coated blades melded together to form one incredible shaving cartridge, easily fitted into your old twinblade holder. Triple-Trac’s triple-threat cartridge, with more close shaves than ever before. Here’s how it works.

[ DISSOLVE to a cartoon showing a how the Triple-Trac shaves a whisker ]

Announcer (V/O): The first blade grabs at the whisker, tugging it away from your face to protect it from the second blade.

[ The cartoon shows how the Triple-Trac yanks painfully at the whisker ]

Announcer (V/O): Blade number two catches and digs into the stubble before it has the chance to snap back and injure you, pulling it farther out so that it is now ready for shearing.

[ The cartoon shows an even more painful whisker-yanking ]

Announcer (V/O): Triple-Trac’s third blade, a finely-honed bonded platinum instrument, cuts cleanly through the whisker at its base, leaving your face as smoothas a billiard ball.

[ Finally, the cartoon shows the Triple-Trac completely shaving the whisker ]

[ DISSOLVE back to the announcer against the black background, holding up a Triple-Trac ]

Announcer: The Triple-Trac. Because you’ll believe anything.

[ FADE ]

Submmitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Trojan Horse Home Security

Written by: Dan Aykroyd

Mr. Kromer…..John Belushi
Mrs. Kromer…..Gilda Radner
Kenny Vorstrather…..Dan Aykroyd
Harvey Morgomaster…..Garrett Morris

[ open on Mr. and Mrs. Kromer sitting on the couch in their living room ]

Mr. Kromer: Oh, honey! “Boeing Boeing” with Jerry Lewis is on in ten minutes.

Mrs. Kromer: Aw, sweetheart, I’m tired. I think I’m just going to have another glass of diet root beer and go to bed, okay?

Mr. Kromer: Alright.

[ sound effect: shattering glass offscreen ]

Mrs. Kromer: What was that?! What’s going on?!

[ a man in a ski mask rushes into the room pointing a gun ]

Kenny Vorstrather: Hi there! Please, do not be alarmed! This is only a simulated assault and burglery. Repeat! This is a simulated assault and burglery! This could happen to you at any time – in fact, it just has!

Mrs. Kromer: Honey, call the police! Do something!

Kenny Vorstrather: No, don’t call the police. I am the police! I might be, anyway.. Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Kromer. My name is Kenny Vorstrather, and I’m President of Trojan Horse Home Security. I broke into your home tonight to show you just how vulnerable you and your family are to crime. I sell a complete range of home and garden security devices. You might say security is my life. I’m fully qualified to make you feel secure – I used to be an armored truck mechanic, in Leeber City, Arizona. And, you, Mr. Kromer, have the perfect right to throw me out of your house – if.. you think.. you can..

Mr. Kromer: If I think I can?! [ stands up ]

Kenny Vorstrather: You’re a pretty hefty guy, Mr. Kromer —

[ another masked man rushes into the room pointing a gun ]

Kenny Vorstrather: [ laughs ] Don’t worry, folks, you won’t hurt you! This is my assistant, he’s Vice-President of Trojan Horse Security. His name is Harvey Morgomaster. Harvey, like myself, is a security expert. He worked in the Army as a camoflauge artist, painting the insides of funeral homes. Mr. and Mrs. Kromer, we offer a total security protection plan for your family and home. For instance, the TPFLM System.

Mrs. Kromer: TPFLM?

Kenny Vorstrather: Tactically-Positioned Front Lawn Mine. Or.. how about these rec room search lights, co-ordinated for fashionable surveillance. And.. for total protection in the bathroom, Toilet Bowl Piranha. It’s a toothy surprise for the thief who craves relief, Mr. Kromer.

Mr. Kromer: Well.. wait a minute. If we have our front lawn mined, what do we need this stuff inside the house for?

Kenny Vorstrather: [ thinking ] Okay. Okay. That’s a very good question. I’m going to ask you a question now: in the event of a radioactive firestorm, how secure are your foodstuffs?

Mrs. Kromer: Oh, well, we have a fridge.

Kenny Vorstrather: Okay. I’m going to ask you to help me in a small demonstration, a security technique. If you could go into your kitchen right now, and get me a tomato. Just a common household tomato. Green, red, I don’t care. Ripe, unripe..

Mr. Kromer: [ reluctant ] Okay.. [ stands up and heads for the kitchen. Kenny shoots gun at him. ]

Kenny Vorstrather: See how frightening that was?! How effective that was in stopping you? Relax! Just blanks! Just a demonstration, sit down! [ Mr. Kromer sits. Kenny hands him the gun ] Here, hang on to this chunk! Feels good, doesn’t it? I’m going to ask you a question, Mr. Kromer, and I want you to answer me quite honestly: would you want your wife to be sexually assaulted in her own kitchen?

Mr. Vorstrather: Well.. no.. of course not.

Kenny Vorstrather: Mrs. Kromer, would you want to be sexually assaulted in your own kitchen?

Mrs. Kromer: Well, it would depend on who the person..

Kenny Vorstrather: Uhhhhh.. look, Mr. Kromer, how much would you pay to keep your family safe? Would you pay, say, two million dollars, if you had it?

Mr. Kromer: Well.. yeah, if I had it, yeah..

Kenny Vorstrather: Or.. one million dollars?

Mr. Kromer: Sure. If I had a million, yeah..

Kenny Vorstrather: Have you got $499.99?

Mrs. Kromer: Honey, we were saving that money!

Mr. Kromer: We were?

Kenny Vorstrather: I don’t think you know how unsafe your family really is. Uh.. where’s your son, uh..

Harvey Morglomaster: Ronnie.

Kenny Vorstrather: ..Ronnie, right now?

Mrs. Kromer: Uh.. well, he’s outside playing in the yard.

Kenny Vorstrather: [ dialing phone ] Ah. Hello, Frank? Put the kid on, will ya?

Mr. Kromer: [ hysterical ] We’ll take it! We’ll take it!

Kenny Vorstrather: [ into the phone ] Okay, let the kid go. [ hangs up phone ] I’m glad you decided. [ takes out papers ] Here, if you could sign right here, we’ll have the contract drawn up..

[ Mr. and Mrs. Kromer awkwardly sign all the forms as the scene fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts