Category: 1979

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

Craig’s Traveler’s Checks

Craig…..Jim Downey

[ open on Bellboy walking disappointedly to a pair of travellers ]

Bellboy: I’m sorry. I look everywhere. I can’t find them.

Female Traveller: Great. We’ve lost our traveller’s checks.

Hotel Clerk: Well, why don’t we call the American Express?

Male Traveller: But they weren’t American Express.

Hotel Clerk: Oh, that’s too bad. Most people carry American Express. I’m sorry.

Female Traveller: They were Craig’s Traveller’s Checks.

Hotel Clerk: Oh, Craig’s! Well, why didn’t you say so! Forget about it, no problem!

[ dissolve to Craig, sitting alone in his apartment ]

Craig: Hi. I’m Craig. I’m cheaper and more reliable than American Express, because I never leave my apartment. You can call me 24 hours a day. [ answers phone ] Hello?

Voice on Phone: Collect call from the Embassy looking for Craig.

Announcer: Craig. He’s always there when you need him.

[ sound of Criag taking a shower in the background ]

Craig’s Answering Machine: Hi. This is Craig. I’m in the shower right now. At the sound of the beep, please leave your name and the country you’re in.

[ beep ]

[ graphic: “Craig’s – he never never leaves his apartment” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

Goodnights

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: Well, that’s our show. I’d like to thank the musical guest – Blondie. Bill Murray, Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner.. everybody.. Garrett Morris. Take a bow, everybody! We’ll see you next week!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Steve Martin!

Steve Martin: Thank you.. thank you very much! Although I have just released a new comedy album, I’m kinda getting out of the comedy thing.. And I feel a lot of you people are wondering what.. Steve.. is into now. Well.. I’m kinda getting into the high-fashion deal. I’ve always enjoyed the fashion magazines, like Bazaar and Vogue.. and now they have the fashion magazines for men. And that’s kinda what I want to get into – I want to be a male model. Because they always get to stand like.. this. [ strikes a series of his male model poses ]

[ suddenly, with no announcement, the SNL house band breaks into “Stompin’ At The Savoy” ]

What’s going on here? Hold it! Wait a minute – cut it! What’s with the music! I can’t believe this! We came in two weeks early for rehearsal, and you get this! This is the kind of thing that irritates me! I’m out here doing my male modeling bit – my best bit – and you get something like this! What’s the deal, Howard?! I can’t believe this! [ upset ] Okay! Okay! I can wait! I can wait!

[ despite his protest, Steve suddenly begins to dance along to the music, the audience cheering favorably at Steve’s dance moves. Strobe lights suddenly appear, giving the illusion of Steve in motion even though he stands perfectly still, compensating only by making a shadowy dog-face of his hand move its mouth open and close via Steve’s pinky finger ]

[ Steve makes a giant leap in the air onto his feet, as the full house lights go back up ]

Steve Martin: Thank you! We’ll be right back with “Saturday Night” – special guest Blondie!

SNL Transcripts