Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 5: Episode 3 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
November 3rd, 1979 Bill Russell Chicago None Ed Herlihy Tom Davis Jim Downey Tom Gammill Max Pross Peter Aykroyd Al Franken Mitchell Laurance Paul Shaffer Tom Schiller Yvonne Hudson Howard Shore Harry Shearer Howard Johnson Kennedy In ’80Summary: Ted Kennedy (Bill Murray) is running late for his presidential announcement because he panicked on the drive over and jumped out of the family car to swim across Boston Harbor. Recurring Characters: Ted Kennedy, Rose Kennedy. Transcript
MontageNote: Don Pardo introduces SNL’s newest performer by saying, “And a little of Harry Shearer.”
Bill Russell’s MonologueSummary: Non-comedian Bill Russell promise this will be the funniest comedy show he’s ever hosted. Transcript
BansheeSummary: Ed Herlihy pitches the electronic device that records your grief for use at funerals so you can tend to more personal matters. Transcript
The Black ShadowSummary: The basketball team at John Davidson High School is determined to help Coach Lewis (Bill Russell) fight his inner demons and go all the way to the State championship. Transcript
The Landers FilesSummary: Ann Landers (Jane Curtin) answers a letter from a widow (Gilda Radner) with a series of calamities following her husband’s death. Recurring Characters: Ann Landers.
Chicago performs “I’m a Man”
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Laraine Newman reports from the scene of a Korean Surprise dinner party. Bill Murray sings “Happy Birthday” to Thomas Edison’s light bulb.
Nick BorealisSummary: Nick Borealis (Bill Murray) entertains the Black troops stationed in Greenland, with a little help from the Swankettes (Laraine Newman, Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner). Recurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer, Shelley.
The Continuing Correspondence of Eleanor RooseveltSummary: Elenour Roosevelt (Jane Curtin) mistakes letters from creditors for steamy lesbian love letters. Recurring Characters: Eleanor Roosevelt, Franklin Roosevelt.
The Mr. Bill ShowSummary: In a film by Walter Williams, “Mr. Bill Stays Home” yet calamity still befalls him. Transcript
Sports HotlineSummary: Bill Russell is vexed that radio host Eddie McVey’s (Bill Murray) listeners are unfamilar with basketball and are more interested in obscure sports he’s never heard of. Transcript
People Losing Money For PeopleRecurring Characters: Joe Garagiola. Transcript
Chicago performs “Street Player”
Barry White’s Big & Tall That’s AllRecurring Characters: Jenny Rocker, Ron. Transcript
[ open on priest giving the eulogy at a funeral, as family members mourn ]
Ed Herlihy V/O: Someone has passed away. It’s a sorrowful occasion. A time for memories… a time for reflection. [ one family members appears disgusted and checks his watch ] A time of incredible inconvenience. How many times has the untimely death of a distant relative, or someone you never really liked, interfered with your busy schedule? [ the man exits the funeral ]
[ dissolve to Ed Herlihy ]
Ed Herlihy: Hi! I’m Ed Herlihy. Now it is possible to miss these sad occasions and not offend anyone by your absence — with Banshee, the mourner’s companion. [ he holds up the electronic device ] This compact, battery-operatoed, solid-state surrogate will represent you with dignity and convey your condolences sincerely and effectively.
[ dissolve to funeral, as mourners turn to look for the source of the screams ]
Banshee #1: Ohhhh, my God! My God! My God! Why him?!
[ dissolve to the dusgusted family member on the golf course with a sweet youngthing ]
Ed Herlihy V/O: If you are unable to attend the funeral yourself.
[ dissolve back to Ed Herlihy with the full product line ]
Ed Herlihy: Complete with pre-recorded lament and personalized name tags, Banshee comes in five models: Irish….
Banshee #2: Oh, Johnny, we miss ye so…!
Ed Herlihy: Italian…
Banshee #3: It’s not WORTH it!! He’s a wise man!!
Ed Herlihy: Amish…
Banshee #4: [ sighs ] Oh. He looks so peaceful.
Ed Herlihy: Black…
Banshee #5: I’m gonna get the cop that did this to my boy…!
Ed Herlihy: …and Jewish.
Banshee #6: I always thought Poppa would be the foist to go!
Ed Herlihy: Your time is precious. His time is over.
[ dissolve to a Banshee device pre-recorded with the priest delivering the eulogy, surrounded by a roomful of Banshee devices sitting in for the mourners ]
[ Joe Garagiola steps into the frame, the Chrysler visible through his body until the kink is worked out in the Control Room ]
Joe Garagiola: I’m Joe Garagiola, with important news for everybody who bought a Chrysler Corporation car during our BIG rebate offer last month! If you haven’t gotten your rebate check yet, please be patient! [ he holds up a financial headline from the newspaper ] The cash to pay those checks will be IN our account just as soon as we sell a few thousand more fine Chrysler autombiles!
Hey! Maybe you need a second car! Or maybe a recreational vehicle! Well, NOW’S the time to deal! Because the cash you pay on the SECOND car… goes RIGHT into the fund to pay the rebate on the first! [ he holds up a check ] Yep! The more Chrysler Corporation cars you buy, the SOONER you get your rebate! And, to make the deal even sweeter — Chrysler Corporation will give you a promissary note for a discout ON the second car! [ he holds up a promissary note ] And that’s as good as cash, as soon as we pay off our back taxes.
So don’t wait until you may have to get your rebate from the bankruptcy referee! Get down to your dealer now and check it out! Just don’t cash it!
Bill Russell: Thank you. Good night. I enjoyed being here.
Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Buck Henry with musical guests Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers. Wednesday night, watch NBC’s “Best of Saturday Night Live” — 10 o’clock/9 Mountain and Central. This is your old voice in the wilderness, Don Pardo, saying “Good night.”
Campaign Worker #1…..Tom Davis Campaign Worker #2…..Garrett Morris Rose Kennedy…..Laraine Newman Ted Kennedy…..Bill Murray Dave Powers…..Jim Downey Joan Kennedy…..Jane Curtin Background Campaign Workers…..Tom Gammill, Max Pross
[ open on Ted Kennedy campaign rally ]
[ SUPER: “Faneuil Hall Boston — November 7, 1979” ]
Campaign Worker #1: Okay… where the hell is Teddy?!
Campaign Worker #2: I don’t know! He was supposed to be here TWENTY minutes ago!
Rose Kennedy: I’m uh, sure he has a good excuse!
Voice: Here he comes Here he comes!
[ Ted Kennedy runs up on stage, dripping wet with seaweed ]
Campaign Worker #2: Teddy, Teddy! Where have you BEEN, man?!
Ted Kennedy: I — [ he coughs ] I — I — I’m not sure. I — I was in the cahhh —
Campaign Worker #1: Teddy… where’s, uh, Joan?
Ted Kennedy: Uh — I-I’m not sure. We were in the, uh, cahh together and, uh — I, uh — I managed to, uh, get out of the cahh and I think that Joan might, uh, might still be in the cahhh.
Rose Kennedy: Teddy… Teddy, listen to me, this is your mother: Do you know where you are?
Ted Kennedy: In, uh — Boston?
Rose Kennedy: Yes. Do you know why you’re here? [ she pulls seaweed from his clothes ]
Ted Kennedy: Uh — uh, why?
Campaign Worker #2: To announce that you’re gonna run for President of the United States, that’s why!
Ted Kennedy: Is that alright with you, Mother?
Rose Kennedy: Yes, son… it’s alright.
Ted Kennedy: Was it, uh — was it alright with Joan?
Rose Kennedy: Yes — if we knew where she was.
Ted Kennedy: I, uh — I think she’s, uh, still in the cahhh.
Campaign Worker #1: Okay, I don’t think you’re quite ready to go on. [ he approaches the podium ] Uh — uh, excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, we seem to have a few, uh, technical problems, if you’ll just bear with us. In the meantime, uh – [ he looks around ] In the meantime, I’d like to introduce an old close friend of the Kennedy Family — Mr. Dave Powers — [ he pulls Dave Powers forward ] uh, who will share with us a few reminisces of Camelot!
[ the crowd applauds ]
Dave Powers: Thanks. I, uh — I, uh — I recall that, uh, that Jack, he, uh — he loved the sea. Uh — Jack and Bobby, and, uh, Teddy, they, uh — they loved the sea. And I recall Booby and Jack would, uh —
[ return to Ted Kennedy ]
Campaign Worker #2: Where is the car? where is the car, Teddy?
Ted Kennedy: I, uh — I-I-I-I don’t know where the cahh is…
Rose Kennedy: Teddy… listen to me: Where is the cahh…? Try to remember where you left Joan.
[ Ted can’t even fathom a guess, as Joan runs up on stage ]
Campaign Worker #1: Joan! Thank God you’re alright!
Joan Kennedy: [ angry ] Well, of course I’m alright — I was just parking the car! [ to Ted ] Here are the keys, Flipper.
Rose Kennedy: Why are you all wet, Teddy?
Joan Kennedy: [ she sighs ] Well, we were late and stuck in traffic — Teddy panicked, jumped out of the car and swam across Boston Harbor.
Ted Kennedy: That’s, uh — that’s right. I, uh — I must have bumped my head when I dived into the river, and I was in a…. shark… So I guess that’s why I couldn’t tell anyone sooner.
Campaign Worker #2: You think you can make your announcement now, Teddy?
Ted Kennedy: Yeah… yeah, yeah, I’m ready…
Campaign Worker #1: Alright, let’s do it.
[ he approaches the podium, where Dave Powers is still rambling on ]
Dave Powers: …and, uh — I was there in the Oval Office, when Caroline looked at Jack and she said, uh… “Daddy,” she said, uh, “let John-John ride Macaroni!” And, uh —
Campaign Worker #1: [ interrupting ] Thank you very much, Dave Powers.
Dave Powers: Thank you, thank you. I — I — thank you.
[ the crowd applauds ]
Campaign Worker #1: [ psuhing Dave aside ] That’s very touching. Thank you very much. [ to the room ] Uh — ladies and gentlemen… I am honored to introduce the Senator from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts… and the next President of the United States — Edward M. Kennedy!
[ the crowd applauds wildly as Ted approaches the podium surrounded by Rose and Joan ]
[ Ted puts his glasses on and unfolds a tricky piece of paper ]
Ted Kennedy: My fellow Americans… our nation is at a crossroad in history… where a cry for strong, vigorous leadership is heard throughout the land. [ the crowd claps ] Now there are some who would look at my past, and say: “Why?” I… choose to look at my past, and say: “So what?” [ the crowd applauds ] That is why, tonight, I am honored and invigorated to announce: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”
Bill Russell: Thank you! You know, it’s really a pleasure for me being here tonight, because I’m hosting my favorite show — “Saturday Night Live”. [ the audience cheers ] And, you know, I’ve been here all week. This may be live, but it’s not unrehearsed. Uh — I’ve been here all week, and I’ve watched them put the show together, and what it’s all about… is teamwork. In fact, a successful television show is not that different from a successful basketball team — everyone has to work together to make the best show possible. Yuo see, the writers — they bring up these ideas, and they pass them on to the producers… and they hand them off to the director… and then they pass it back to the actors, and they try to score points with them. But, uh — like any team… you GOT to have the guy in the middle. The big fellow! The money man! Well, see, on show… that guy is.. the host [ he points to himself, as the audience cheers ] If the host is on… then the show is dynamite. But if the host has a bad night… this show goes in the toilet. [ he smiles ]
Well, I’m gonna tell you how I feel tonight. This is gonna be the BEST comedy show… I’ve ever done! So, if you into betting… take this show and give 5 points. And we’ll be right back.
(Scene opens at Mr. Bill’s House with Miss Sally carrying a tray of milk and cookies and Spot near a record player.)
Miss Sally: Uh kids, you’re a little early today. Mr. Bill’s not here. He’s upstairs. Mr. Bill, will you come down? The kids are here.
Mr. Bill: (coming down the stairs) Ho ho kiddies! Hey! Oh boy, are we going to have fun today because we’re all going to stay home. Yaaaay! Oh, Miss Sally’s got milk and cookies and Spot’s going to play some records for us and oh! (sees Mr. Hands out the window and ringing the doorbell) Uh oh. Uh say kids, that’s probally Mr. Hands. Let’s pretend like we’re not here and he’ll go away. (Spot hides underneath a table. Mr. Hands knocks harder until he crushes Miss Sally with the door.) Ohhhhhhh! Oh Miss Sally!
Mr. Hands: Oh there you are Mr. Bill. Everybody’s been waiting at the studio for you to start your show.
Mr. Bill: Oh well I have a cold today. I’m not coming in so see you later.
Mr. Hands: Oh you’re sick? I better stay and help you get better. I know some great home remedies.
Mr. Bill: Oh no, that’s okay. You can go now. I’ll be fine.
Mr. Hands: (With a bottle of 1,000 asprins) First, doctors say you need plenty of asprin. (pours the entire bottle on Mr. Bill knocking him down the stairs.)
Mr. Bill: No but I don’t have a headache. No, ohhhhhhhhhh! Oh why why!
Mr. Hands: Also they say you need lots of rest. (places Mr. Bill on the couch) Say, why don’t you lie on the couch.
Mr. Bill: Ok, but that’s fine Mr. Hands. You can go now. Bye!
Mr. Hands: But you need to keep warm. (Brings a pot of boiling hot water and a hot water bottle) Hey, maybe this hot water bottle will help. (pours the hot water into the bottle over Mr. Bill)
Mr. Bill: No wait, it has holes in it. Oh wait, stop it! No wait, ohhhhhhhhh!
Mr. Hands: Oh Mr. Bill, you’re all wet. We better cover up (places an electric blanket on Mr. Bill)
Mr. Bill: No wait, that’s my electric blanket! Don’t pull it (Mr. Hands pulls a switch and Mr. Bill is electrocuted) Ohhhhhhhh!
Mr. Hands: You look mighty pale Mr. Bill. I better take your temperature. (sticks a thermomter in Mr. Bill’s mouth and takes it out.)
Mr. Bill: No wait no mmmmmmmmmm, ohhhhhhhhh!
Mr. Hands: Gee, a hundred and six degrees! Oh gee, I better take your pulse. (squeezes Mr. Bill’s arm off.)
Mr. Bill: No wait, I don’t have a pulse, no wait no. Ohhhhhhhhh!
Mr. Hands: Oh, really thin. I better get the doctor (Brings Doctor Sluggo in)
Mr. Bill: Oh no! He’s no doctor, he just wants to be mean!
Mr. Hands: Sure he’s Doctor Sluggo. And he says there’s a draft in here. We better build up the fire. I’ll make some firewood. (chops up the table where Spot was hiding under with an axe.)
Mr. Bill: No wait, Spot! Oh no!
Mr. Hands: Here, this should warm things up. (tosses the table into the fireplace. The fire quickly starts spreading through the house.) Uh oh!
Mr. Bill: Oh wait. The house is on fire! Get me out, Mr. Hands! Get me out of here!
Mr. Hands: (Spray a fire extinguisher on Mr. Bill) Oh no. The fire extinguisher’s empty. We’ll have to try to escape. Out the window, Mr. Bill! (Tosses Mr. Bill out the window, breaking it.)
Mr. Bill: No wait! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!
(Cut to an outside shot of Mr. Bill’s house burning.)
Mr. Hands: We’ll see you next time when Mr. Bill reads his insurance policy. Bye Bye!
Coach Curtis Lewis…..Bill Russell Bill…..Bill Murray Tom…..Tom Davis Al…..Al Franken Peter…..Peter Aykroyd Mrs. Crane…..Jane Curtin Female Student…..Laraine Newman Pregnant Student…..Gilda Radner Mitchell…..Mitchell Laurance Mrs. Lewis…..Garrett Morris Other Students…..Tom Gammill, Max Pross
[ open on high school locker room after the big basketball game ]
Coach Curtis Lewis: Alright, alright, alright — you guys listen. You fought hard, you have nothing to be ashamed of.
Bill: Come on, Coach. We were better than that team. We would have WON if you’d let us play five guys at a time!
Tom: Yeah, who ever heard of a team that only played with three guys?
Coach Curtis Lewis: Okay, okay – so it didn’t work out, I thought I could confuse them.
Al: You were — you were betting on the other team to support your drug habit, weren’t you, Coach?
Coach Curtis Lewis: [ stung ] You’re just saying that… because I’m BLACK!
Bill: That has NOTHING to do with it! We’re saying it because we CARE about you!
Coach Curtis Lewis: Oh, leave me alone! [ he step away ] Yuo guys never get high, what do you know?! Go ahead — shower! Get out of here!
Al: Hey, uh — you guys think we should take off our uniforms before we shower?
Team: Nah! Nah!
[ the team exits into the showers, as Coach goes through their lockers looking for money ]
[ SUPER: “The Black Shadow” over bouncy music ]
Announcer: “The Black Shadow”. Black coach, white team. He gets in trouble, they bail him out.
[ dissolve to Mrs. Crane’s office ]
Mrs. Crane: And so, I’m afraid I’m going to have to fire Coach Lewis.
Team: Awwwww…
Mrs. Crane: Look, there is NO WAY I can keep a faculty member here at John Davidson High School who has been caught distributing pornography in the cafeteria, and in the SAME WEEK assaults a student in the parking lot!
Bill: There’s no EXCUSE for Coach Lewis’ behavior, Mrs. Crane, but FIRING him won’t SOLVE anything! He’ll just get another job in another all-white suburban high school! There’s something going on inside him that’s turning him inside out! If we just had enough time, we could maybe figure out what it is and turn him around so he could face himself!
Mrs. Crane: I think I know what you mean. But even if we turned him around, I don’t see how he could face himself.
Tom: She’s right. What we want to do is turn him right-side out.
Al: No, that’s WORSE! Leave him inside out, see? At least then he can face himself!
Peter: Mrs. Crane, do you ever face yourself?
Mrs. Crane: Oh, yes. I face myself every morning.
Peter: Well, ho?
Mrs. Crane: By looking inside myself.
Tom: Yeah… but you’ve never been turned inside-out.
Mrs. Crane: [ laughing ] Oh, you’d be surprised! Well, since you put it that way, I’ll give him another chance. [ the team is thrilled ] But I’m warning you! I’m warning you — if he causes any more trouble, I’m gonna have to fire him… and make you boys wear normal clothes to class.
Team: Oh, wait a minute..!
[ dissolve to school hallway, Coach Lewis hitting on a female student ]
Female Student: Mr. Lewis, you don’t love me. Yuo jsut think you do.
Coach Curtis Lewis: No, baby! I’m CRAZY about you, baby!
Female Student: Ohhh, God. I mean, don’t you see? I’m fifteen; you’re forty! When you’re fifty, I’ll be twenty-five.
Coach Curtis Lewis: And I’ll still love you, baby!
Female Student: [ she sighs ] Oh… you should be seeing women your own age, going out and having fun!
Coach Curtis Lewis: [ he considers this ] It’s because I’m Black, isn’t it?
Female Student: [ she shakes her head ] Now, you know that just isn’t true!
[ the school bell rings ]
Female Student: I gotta go to class.
[ she exits down the hall with the other students, as a pregnant female student appears ]
Pregnant Student: Curtis Curtis! Curtis, you’re not still angry at me, are you?!
Coach Curtis Lewis: Go away! I told you: Stay out of my life! I’m too OLD for you!
Pregnant Student: Oh, yeah… but, Curtis! Please! Please! Look at me! I need to talk to you! I mean, I need some more heroin! [ Coach Lewis laughs ] I mean, now with Curtis, Jr. on the way, I —
Coach Curtis Lewis: Hey, hey — don’t!
Pregnant Student: — I got another habit to support!
Coach Curtis Lewis: Hey, listen — DON’T call him “Curtis, Jr.”, and get outta here!
Pregnant Student: [ stunned ] Okay!
Coach Curtis Lewis: I told you I’m too old for you, now who needs you? Beat it!
Pregnant Student: Okay, okay!
[ he exits down the hall, as the basketball team runs forward ]
Mitchell: Here he is!
[ the team surrounds Coach Lewis ]
Coach Curtis Lewis: Oh, boy…
Bill: Coach? You missed practice again today. Now, this is getting SERIOUS! It’s pretty hard for a team to play without supervision!
Tom: Yeah…
Coach Curtis Lewis: Hey, listen — I had to take care of my mom because… she’s sick. Yeah, that’s it! She’s sick! My mom’s sick. Now, get off my case and leave me alone! [ he turns to one of the teammates as he reaches into his pocket ] Hey, uh — you want to buy a gun? It’s got a registration on it… [ the teammate shakes his head No, so Coach Lewis exits the hall ]
Tom: Hey… I wonder if the Coach was telling the truth about his mother?
Bill: There’s only one way to find out.
Al: [ dumbly ] Smell his sneakers?
Bill: Nooo! Visit his mother.
Tom: Alright, let’s go!
[ the team rushes down the hall ]
[ dissolve to Mrs. Lewis’ house, as she reads Essence Magazine ]
[ the doorbell rings ]
Mrs. Lewis: I wonder who it is? [ she answers the door to the team ] Oh! What can I do for you?
Bill: Uh — we’re the Jhon Davidson High School basketball team. We’d like to talk to you about your son, Mrs. Lewis.
Mrs. Lewis: [ nervously ] Well, it’s freezing outside! Yuo guys must be cold! Come in!
Al: We like it!
Mrs. Lewis: Oh, you should. [ as they all crowd inside ] Uh — uh — what — is my son alright?
Tom: Oh, yeah, yeah. He’s alright, Ma’am.
Mrs. Lewis: Oh, thank God!
Peter: But, Mrs. Lewis, we think you should know that your son’s in trouble.
Mrs. Lewis: Oh, no, no… what’s he done now?
Tom: Well, I’m afraid he’s been stealing, uh, assaulting students, lying, committing arson, hoarding weapons in his locker, shaking down freshmen for hteir lunch money, encouraging truancy, torturing lab animals —
Mrs. Lewis: Please! Please! I don’t want to hear any more! I don’t know what gets him to do these things! I tried so HARD to teach him the right plan! [ she sinks onto her couch and cries ] Now it’s come to this! I don’t know what I’m going to do!
[ suddenly, Coach Lewis enters the house ]
Coach Curtis Lewis: [ angered ] What are you guys doing here?!
Bill: We came because we CARE!
Team: Yeah!!
Mrs. Lewis: They’ve been telling me… what you have been UP to, Son! Why is that you always hurt everyone around you?! Sometimes I’m ASHAMED to be your mother! [ she begins to cry ]
Coach Curtis Lewis: Mom… is it because I’m Black?
Mrs. Lewis: Now, you know that that has NOTHING to do with it! It’s because you’re a BAD BOY, that’s why! A bad boy… [ she cries harder ]
Coach Curtis Lewis: Really? Gosh. All my life, I’ve always thought… that everyone hated me because I was Black.
Bill: Would we be here if we hated you? [ he rubs the coach’s head ]
Tom: Yeah! We want to win that big game tomorrow night against The Visitors!
Team: Yeah!!
Coach Curtis Lewis: [ touched ] This really turns things around. I feel like a great chip… has been lifted from my shoulder.
Mrs. Lewis: Ohhhh, you’ve got it, Son! Now RUN with it!
Coach Curtis Lewis: [ excited ] Come on, you guys! We haven’t got much time! We gotta practice dribbling and passing and staying in bounds!
Bill: Come on! Let’s go!
[ the team rushes out of Mrs. Lewis’ house ]
Mrs. Lewis: My son!
Coach Curtis Lewis: MOMMA!!
[ they hug ]
Mrs. Lewis: Oh, Son…
[ dissolve to stock footage of the big game ]
Announcer: It’s Visitors, 99; Davidson, 98! It looks like it’s gonna come down to one last shot! Davidson scores the ball like a well-oiled machine! Coach Lewis really deserves a lot of credit for turning this team around! Here’s the shot! It’s tiptoeing in! He made it! [ buzz! ] The game’s over, and Davidson wins 100 to 99!
[ dissolve to locker room, as the team rushes in carrying Coach Lewis in their arms ]
Coach Curtis Lewis: Hey, hey! THIS… is the GREATEST day of my life!
[ Mrs. Crane enters ]
Mrs. Crane: Nice game, team!
Bill: Thank you, Mrs. Crane! Hey! Now what do you think of Coach Lewis?
Mrs. Crane: He’s fired.
Team: What?! For what?
Coach Curtis Lewis: But I don’t understand. I paid back all the money I stole. I flushed a POUND of heroin down the toilet and turned in my drug contact. I won the respect of my team, and led them to victory. And now you tell me… I’m fired. Why?
Mrs. Crane: Because you’re Black. [ a beat ] Just kidding!
[ everyone stands up and laughs themselves into a fake freeze-frame ]
[ SUPER: “The writers of The Black Shadow wish to acknowledge their debt to scripts from the following shows:
Mr. Novak Lucas Tanner Room 222 The Paper Chase Welcome Back Kotter ” ]
Jingle: “He fails, not because he’s colored but because he’stroubled and bewildered. The team cares about him because only they know his background.
He’s the Black Shadow. He’s a coach in trouble. He’s the Black Shadowwwww!”
Summary “Saturday Night Live” is only as big as its stars, and the 1979 season made that abundantly clear. Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi left the show at the end of the fourth season to pursue movie stardom, leaving a noticeable void. Bill Murray became the show’s new frontrunner, and was placed in nearly every sketch. Jane, Garrett, Laraine and Gilda still provide laughs, as do premiere featured performances by comic Harry Shearer and most of the show’s writers, but it’s easy to see that the old magic is no longer there. It was so evident to everyone involved with the show, that they all decided to leave at the end of the season, rounding out five years of involvement with the “Saturday Night Live” project. However, NBC was not letting go of its highest-rated program that easily, and was determined to salvage it no longer how many years it would take.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 5: Episode 1 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
October 13th, 1979 Steve Martin Blondie Don Novello Buck Henry Tom Gammill Al Franken Tom Davis Harry Shearer Peter Aykroyd Jim Downey Andy Murphy Tom Schiller Paul Shaffer Harry Shearer Max Pross The Pope at MonsterdomeSummary: Pope John Paul II’s (Steve Martin) doorman (Garrett Morris) turns clergy away during his visit to the Monsterdome. Recurring Characters: Jerry Aldini, Pope John Paul II. Transcript
Montage
Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin dances along to “Stompin’ At The Savoy” while encompassed by strobe lights. Transcript
Craig’s Traveler’s ChecksSummary: You can enjoy a worry-free vacation even if you lose Craig’s (Jim Downey) Traveler’s Checks, because he never leaves his apartment. Transcript
Spanish TutorSummary: A Spanish tutor’s (Steve Martin) eagerness to give free lessons on a door-to-door basis turns out to be a ploy to use a couple’s (Bill Murray, Gilda Radner) bathroom.
The VandalsSummary: A Centurion (Steve Martin) confronts a juvenile delinquent Vandal (Al Franken) caught in the act by his guards. Transcript
Blondie performs “Dreaming”
RiseSummary: Steve Martin demonstrates how he avoids bathroom germs by hovering above the toilet. Transcript
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) shows off his Pope merchandise and announces his Find the Popes in the Pizza contest. Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci. Transcript
Great Moments In Rock HistorySummary: Carole King (Laraine Newman) sings “You’ve Got a Friend”, while her own friend Henry (Steve Martin) is mugged in front of her apartment. Recurring Characters: Don Kirschner. Transcript
The David Susskind ShowSummary: Witnesses discuss Hamilton Jordan’s cocaine use. Recurring Characters: David Susskind, Audrey Peart Dickman.
Blondie performs “The Hardest Part”
The Bolshoi BalletSummary: Russian security keeps a vigilant eye on the Bolshai Ballet Company’s performance to make sure none of the dancers defects during the production.
The All New Mr. Bill ShowSummary: In an attempt to host an all-new show without Mr. Hands, Mr. Bill redecorates with a disco ball and shows filmed footage of his disastrous summer on the beach. Transcript
What The Hell Is That?Summary: A pair of wandering tourists (Steve Martin, Bill Murray) gaze toward the studio audience and wonder what it is they’re looking at. Transcript
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Air Date:
Kennedy In ’80
Summary: Ted Kennedy (Bill Murray) is running late for his presidential announcement because he panicked on the drive over and jumped out of the family car to swim across Boston Harbor.
Summary: Non-comedian Bill Russell promise this will be the funniest comedy show he’s ever hosted.
Summary: Ed Herlihy pitches the electronic device that records your grief for use at funerals so you can tend to more personal matters.
Summary: The basketball team at John Davidson High School is determined to help Coach Lewis (Bill Russell) fight his inner demons and go all the way to the State championship.
Summary: Ann Landers (Jane Curtin) answers a letter from a widow (Gilda Radner) with a series of calamities following her husband’s death.
Summary: Laraine Newman reports from the scene of a Korean Surprise dinner party. Bill Murray sings “Happy Birthday” to Thomas Edison’s light bulb.
Summary: Nick Borealis (Bill Murray) entertains the Black troops stationed in Greenland, with a little help from the Swankettes (Laraine Newman, Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner).
Summary: Elenour Roosevelt (Jane Curtin) mistakes letters from creditors for steamy lesbian love letters.
Summary: In a film by Walter Williams, “Mr. Bill Stays Home” yet calamity still befalls him.
Summary: Bill Russell is vexed that radio host Eddie McVey’s (Bill Murray) listeners are unfamilar with basketball and are more interested in obscure sports he’s never heard of.
Recurring Characters: Joe Garagiola.
Recurring Characters: Jenny Rocker, Ron.
Transcript
Summary: Pope John Paul II’s (Steve Martin) doorman (Garrett Morris) turns clergy away during his visit to the Monsterdome.
Summary: Steve Martin dances along to “Stompin’ At The Savoy” while encompassed by strobe lights.
Summary: You can enjoy a worry-free vacation even if you lose Craig’s (Jim Downey) Traveler’s Checks, because he never leaves his apartment.
Summary: A Spanish tutor’s (Steve Martin) eagerness to give free lessons on a door-to-door basis turns out to be a ploy to use a couple’s (Bill Murray, Gilda Radner) bathroom.
Summary: A Centurion (Steve Martin) confronts a juvenile delinquent Vandal (Al Franken) caught in the act by his guards.
Summary: Steve Martin demonstrates how he avoids bathroom germs by hovering above the toilet.
Summary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) shows off his Pope merchandise and announces his Find the Popes in the Pizza contest.
Summary: Carole King (Laraine Newman) sings “You’ve Got a Friend”, while her own friend Henry (Steve Martin) is mugged in front of her apartment.
Summary: Witnesses discuss Hamilton Jordan’s cocaine use.
Summary: Russian security keeps a vigilant eye on the Bolshai Ballet Company’s performance to make sure none of the dancers defects during the production.
Summary: In an attempt to host an all-new show without Mr. Hands, Mr. Bill redecorates with a disco ball and shows filmed footage of his disastrous summer on the beach.
Summary: A pair of wandering tourists (Steve Martin, Bill Murray) gaze toward the studio audience and wonder what it is they’re looking at.