Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 5: Episode 2 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
October 20th, 1979 Eric Idle Bob Dylan None Buck Henry Andy Kaufman Bob Zmuda Peter Aykroyd Mitchell Laurance Eric is SickSummary: Buck Henry begs Lorne Michaels to let him host the show in place of a near-death Eric Idle. Transcript
MontageNote: Don Pardo introduces SNL’s newest performer by saying, “And a little of Harry Shearer.”
Eric Idle’s MonologueSummary: Confined to a stretcher, Eric Idle performs a new breed of medical impressions that require little movement. Transcript
Hotel-Motel Art FairSummary: Pitchman Tom Clay (Harry Shearer) promotes the exquisite art treasures being sold at the acclaimed Hotel-Motel Art Fair. Recurring Characters: Tom Clay. Transcript
Shoe StoreSummary: A shoe salesman (Eric Idle) complicates his customer’s (Bill Murray) simple request for a size 10 and-a-half pair of brown shoes. Transcript
Bob Dylan performs “Gotta Serve Somebody”
Prince Charles Tells You How To Pick Up Girls!Summary: Prince Charles’ (Eric Idle) new book demonstrates the best methods for picking up girls. Recurring Characters: Prince Charles.
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Political correspondent Gerald Hacker (Harry Shearer) reports on a presidential straw vote held in England. Economic advisor Roseanne Roseannadanna (Gilda Radner) wanders from discussing the increase in mortgage rates to social gaffes by designer Yves St. Laurent. Recurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna. Transcript
Hardcore IISummary: A teenager (Laraine Newman) searches for her long-lost father (Bill Murray), who’s now working as a transvestite stripper.
Bob Dylan performs “I Believe in You”
Andy KaufmanSummary: Andy Kaufman wrestles a random female audience member. Transcript
Heavy SarcasmSummary: Joan Face (Jane Curtin) is extra sarcastic towards her guests (Eric Idle, Bill Murray) on her show’s final broadcast. Recurring Characters: Joan Face. Transcript
Ask ElvisSummary: Psychic Dorothy Haagen (Laraine Newman) channels the spirit of Elvis Presley (Andy Kaufman) to offer advice to her troubled viewers. Transcript
Dorothy Haagen … Laraine Newman Voice of Elvis … Andy Kaufman
[Jaunty organ music as a 1970s-era photo of ajumpsuited Elvis Presley singing passionately into amicrophone fills the screen.]
Don Pardo V/O: And now, “Ask Elvis” withpsychic Dorothy Haagen.
[SUPER: Ask Elvis. Music out as we dissolve to asmiling big-haired blonde woman who sits in an easychair, with eyes closed and hands raised together inprayer.]
Dorothy Haagen: [an odd Irish-Southern accent,as if in a trance] Spirits speak to those who listen!Spirits listen to those who speak! [in a more normaltone, to the camera] Hello, I’m psychic DorothyHaagen. Today, we’ll [reverently] ask … Elvisan unusual kind of marriage per-oblem. And all becauseviewer Janette Blalock from Silver Springs, Texaswrote: “Dear Dorothy, I am engaged to be married to atruck-a driverrrr. I want to have a traditionalwedding but he says there’s a chapel outside a truckplaza in Atlanta and he’d like to have itthere. Would you please … [rolls eyes skyward, in ahushed tone] ask … Elvis … who he thinks isright?” Well, sweet spirit, a short time ago Iestab-a-lished contact with … Elvis and readhim your letter and here is what he said.
[As “Love Me Tender” plays, we dissolve to a small,white, slowly-rotating bust of Elvis Presley set in ablack background. The throaty Southern drawl of thelate Elvis Presley is heard:]
Voice of Elvis: Dear Janette: A man can be kindof funny sometimes – wh- when he embarks on somethin’as new and as frightenin’ as marriage. Maybe a fellerneeds to be surrounded by familiar places and faces.Hey. Why not let – let that truck driver man o’ yourshave his way on this? And then watch out, honey,because them gear jammers can really put your hammerdown. But, seriously, Janette. If the tension of thewedding preparations gets to be too much for you, whydon’t you just ask your doctor to prescribe sometranquilizers, sleepin’ aids and diet pills? And tellhim the King sent ya. Truly yours, Elvis.
[Image goes out of focus and we dissolve back toDorothy Haagen, smiling into the camera.]
Dorothy Haagen: Well, dear soul, I hope youremember to send Elvis an invitation to thewedding. In any case, for including your birth dateand time, here’s a bonus message from the spiritworrr-uld: Accept the new job offer and furtheryourself socially – and that’s for either you or yournew hus-a-band. If you have a problem youthink … Elvis could answer, why not write me,psychic Dorothy Haagen, care of your local station[SUPER: Psychic DOROTHY HAAGEN Care of your localstation] and I’ll ask … Elvis. Until nexttime, sweet spirits, remember: He who is ruled by thestars is a fool. He who lets the stars rule him isindeed wise. Good-bye.
[Jaunty organ music as we pull back and dissolve awayto the photo of Elvis in concert with the words “AskElvis” superimposed.]
Eric Idle: Thank you very much. good night, God bless you all! Thank you!
[ aud
Don Pardo V/O: This Wednesday, watch “The Best of Saturday Night Live”, with Steve Martin, at 10 p.m., 9 Central. Next Saturday: a “Saturday Night Live” encore performance, with host Michael Sarrazin. We’ll be back live two weeks from tonight, Novembver 3rd, with host Bill Russell and musical guest Chicago. This is Don “Proud As A Peacock” Pardo. Good night..
[At Home Base, host Eric Idle pretends to be jugglingfive orange balls which are, in fact, connected by athin metal wire. After a moment, he stops andaddresses the camera.]
Eric Idle: [with a grand gesture] Ladies andgentlemen, Andy Kaufman!
[Cheers and applause as Idle exits and Kaufman enters,wearing his grandfather’s elegant calf-length Sulkabathrobe, tied at the waist. He descends the stairs toHome Base, nods and smiles to acknowledge the applauseand addresses the audience mildly:]
Andy Kaufman: In the old days, uh, they used tohave wrestlers who went from town to town across thecountry in carnivals and offer five hundred dollars–[clears throat] – to any man who could last threeminutes in the ring with them. What I’ve been doingfor the last two years is going from town to town, inmy concerts all over the country, offering fivehundred dollars to any woman in the audience who couldpin me in a wrestling match in three minutes. This isa very legitimate thing and, uh, the reason I choosewomen … is because I’m not an athlete, I’m not–[clears throat] I really don’t know that much aboutwrestling but, ah– I– So I feel if I chose a man, Imight get beaten. …
But I just don’t feel that a woman is capable ofbeating a man in a wrestling match. [crowd groans]And, um, I’m not trying to be chauvinistic or, youknow, make fun of the women’s lib movement or do anykind of thing like that but what I’m trying to say is,I just can’t conceive of a woman having thecapabilities to do that. Even if a woman was to trainhard for a long time, I don’t think that she could bephysically capable and also I don’t think that a womanis mentally capable to … [crowd objects] No, no, no,wait! Because you really need a certain– You reallyneed a certain kind of way of thinking … uh, towrestle, strategy and all that. And I just don’t thinkwomen think that way. I think that they’re mostly goodfor — and, I mean, you might laugh when I say this –but I think they’re good for scrubbing the potatoesand washing the carrots … putting it in the pot–[crowd groans, hisses, objects, some clap] Please. Uh,um, mopping the floors, raising the babies. I thinkalso the men– [crowd objects] The men have let thewomen come to a higher, you know, a higher positionthan they’re able– I think the men are a bunch ofpussy cats and pansies for letting this happen. And Ithink the men in this country are nothing but pitifulspecimens of manhood.
So, if there’s any woman out there tonight who wouldlike to prove me wrong, like to take me on in awrestling match, I’d like to call you up all now. Youcan just volunteer. Five hundred dollars to any womanthat could pin my shoulders in three minutes. Here’smy referee, Bob Zmuda.
[Bearded, bespectacled Bob Zmuda enters brisklywearing a referee’s striped shirt and carrying a handmike into which he speaks.]
Bob Zmuda: [to the crowd] Okay, you heard him.Five hundred dollars to the woman who can come up heretonight and in a fair wrestling match– [Mimi, a lithebrunette from the front row, steps up on stage andZmuda directs her] Just line up right over here. Wehave some more — [to the crowd] In a fair wrestlingmatch, pin his shoulders to the ground for the countof three. Anybody from upstairs? Come on up. Fivehundred dollars — here’s the money. [holds up a wadof cash as a tall woman in a dress arrives on stage]This is real. This is not set up! Right this way.Anybody else? [more volunteers approach, Zmuda countsthem] There’s one, two, three, four. Anybody else?Come on. [a very pregnant woman and a fourth womanjoin the others] … [a fifth woman runs through theaudience, Zmuda points to her] Here’s another one.We’ve got one here. Anybody upstairs? That’s it?Anybody else? Okay, fine. [five women have lined upnext to Zmuda] Let’s hear it for them – being verybrave. [cheers and applause] Very brave coming uphere. Let’s start off by asking them what their nameis. [Zmuda holds the mike up to each of the women]What’s your name?
Mimi: [the prettiest, most athletic one] MimiLambert.
Bob Zmuda: Mimi.
Ann: [tallest with eyeglasses] AnnMcKuen.
Bob Zmuda: Ann.
Linda: [extremely pregnant] LindaMichaels.
Bob Zmuda: Linda.
Kelly: Kelly Bolton.
Bob Zmuda: Kelly.
Debbie: Debbie White.
Bob Zmuda: Debbie. [to the crowd] Look at ’em.It’s up to you to choose, the audience to choose. …This is not set up. This is real. I’m gonna put myhand over their head. Now, vote for the girl — byclapping — who you think can pin Andy’s shoulders tothe ground for the count of three. Okay, here wego.
[Zmuda puts his hand over each woman’s head. Most ofthe women draw decent applause but Linda, the pregnantone, draws huge cheers and applause. Zmuda narrows itdown to Ann, the tall one, and Linda, who again drawsthe loudest response.]
Bob Zmuda: [commenting on the cheers for Linda]Four people up front that are doin’ this.
Andy Kaufman: [From offscreen, Kaufman asksZmuda to try the first girl, Mimi, again.] The one onthe end. Number One, she got a lot of–
Bob Zmuda: [to Kaufman, off Mimi] She wasclose?
[Zmuda narrows it down to Mimi and pregnant Linda.Linda again draws the bigger response.]
Bob Zmuda: [off Linda] I think it’s her. Ithink it’s her. [to the crowd] Let’s hear it for her.Let’s thank the rest. [Zmuda raises Linda’s arm aboveher head triumphantly, she laughs, the crowd cheersand applauds, Zmuda leads Linda over to a smallmakeshift wrestling ring complete with padded ringposts and ropes] Come right–
[The other women exit the stage and return to theirseats. A bell clangs a few times to signal that thematch is almost ready to begin.]
Bob Zmuda: [to Linda] Take your shoes off,it’ll be a lot easier. [as Linda takes her shoes off,Zmuda addresses the crowd] I want to ask Mr. Kaufmanexactly why–
Andy Kaufman: [standing in the ring] I saidwhy. Because a woman– [takes microphone from Zmudaand uses it to address the crowd] I just want to say,I challenged, uh, Diana Nyad, the world’s– supposedlythe world’s strongest lady who swam to Cuba and back,she’s supposed to be so strong — I challenged her andshe said “No!” … Okay? She’s afraid. Okay? Here wego. … [hands the microphone back to Zmuda who iscollecting Linda’s valuables, Kaufman addresses Linda]Come on. [as Linda readies to enter the ring, astunned Kaufman points at her] You’re pregnant! [Lindabends over and enters the ring under the top rope] Howcan you wrestle me when you’re pregnant?
Bob Zmuda: [to Linda] Wait. Wait, are youpregnant?
Andy Kaufman: Zmuda, she’s pregnant!
Bob Zmuda: You’re pregnant? This–
Andy Kaufman: Oh, man!
Bob Zmuda: No, are you – are youpregnant?
Andy Kaufman: [points off stage] Get the otherone. Get the other one in right now. [crowd cheersbriefly]
Bob Zmuda: Hold it just a second. [to Linda]Are you pregnant?
Linda: Yeah.
Bob Zmuda: You are? Wait, you arepregnant?
Linda: Yes.
Bob Zmuda: [to the crowd] She cannot do it. Shecan’t do it.
Andy Kaufman: [to Linda] Why did you come uphere when you’re pregnant? This is a realmatch!
Bob Zmuda: No, no, no, I’m sorry, I’msorry.
Andy Kaufman: You would hurt your baby.
Bob Zmuda: The next girl, who was close, Ithink–
Andy Kaufman: — was the tall one!
Bob Zmuda: [points to Mimi, the volunteer fromthe front row, who was not really the tall one – butwho remembers that now?] The tall one! Withthe–
[Cheers and applause as Linda exits the ring and Mimiarrives on stage.]
Andy Kaufman: [to Linda] How can you dothat?
Bob Zmuda: [to Linda] How could you come uppregnant like that?
[Mimi removes her skirt to reveal that she’s wearing apair of tights.]
Andy Kaufman: [to the crowd] Ladies andgentlemen, I must apologize. This lady is pregnant.Ah, we didn’t know that. Okay. Here we go.
[Linda collects her belongings and leaves the stage.Mimi removes her shoes and adjusts her tights duringthe following.]
Bob Zmuda: Okay, here we go. … [Zmuda entersthe ring and addresses the crowd] It’s a three minute,it’s a three minute round. It’s a three minute round.They– She has to pin Andy’s shoulders to the mat forthe count of three. He doesn’t have to pin her. Shehas to pin him. [to Mimi who enters the ring] Are youall ready?
Andy Kaufman: Now–
Bob Zmuda: [to Mimi] What’s your name?
Mimi: Mimi.
Bob Zmuda: Mimi, okay.
Andy Kaufman: [to Mimi] You’ve never seen mebefore, right?
Bob Zmuda: This is not set up. Okay, threeminutes.
Andy Kaufman: You’re not– [points to hertights] Why are you in those–?
Mimi: [casually] I’m a dancing–
Bob Zmuda: You’re dancing, okay. …
[Kaufman removes his bathrobe and tosses it outsidethe ring to reveal that he’s wearing white longjohnsunder black trunks with black socks. The bell rings tosignal the start of the match. Mimi immediately goesfor Kaufman’s legs to the delight of the crowd whichis clearly on her side, shouting, “Mimi!” “Come on,Mimi!” and other forms of encouragement.]
Andy Kaufman: [to the crowd] Shut up!
[Zmuda circles around the two wrestlers like aprofessional referee. The crowd is totally into it:”Come on, Mimi!” “Keep going!” We get a ratherimpressive shot of Mimi’s rear end as Kaufman grappleswith her. She backs him into one of the padded ringposts. “Go, Mimi!”]
Andy Kaufman: [to Mimi] Wait a minute, wait aminute …
[Kaufman maneuvers away from the post but Mimi forceshim back again, this time trapping Zmuda betweenKaufman and the post. “Go, Mimi, go!” Kaufmanillegally rabbit punches Mimi, the crowd roars itsobjection, and Kaufman raises his hands to protest hisinnocence. Kaufman puts Mimi in an armlock and forcesher back, allowing Zmuda to free himself.]
Andy Kaufman: She was biting, Zmuda!
Bob Zmuda: What?
Andy Kaufman: She was biting!
Bob Zmuda: No biting. No biting. Nobiting.
[Kaufman somehow manages to roll Mimi on her back. Thecrowd goes nuts: “Get up, Mimi!” “Push! Push!” “Comeon, Mimi” “Boo!” Kaufman nearly pins her but Mimitwists her body underneath him until she is on herstomach. Kaufman performs another illegal maneuver onher neck, then pulls her hair. She tries to grab forhis hair. Kaufman raises a hand to protest to Zmudaand knocks the referee’s eyeglasses off. Kaufman,still atop Mimi, politely hands the glasses back toZmuda. Mimi slips free and forces Kaufman to his feet.Hugging the back of his knees, she tries to topplehim. He finally falls and the crowd roars withdelight. But Kaufman quickly rolls her over on herback again and illegally knees her in the stomachseveral times. He’s clearly faking all of theseillegal moves but the crowd boos anyway. Zmuda pullshim away and gives him a warning. Kaufman risestriumphantly, arms in the air, and struts around thering, taunting the angry, booing crowd.]
Andy Kaufman: Shut up! Shut up! Shut–!
[Mimi jumps Kaufman from behind, grabbing his kneesand pulling him backward to the mat. Huge cheers andapplause as Kaufman goes down. Now, Kaufman grabs theback of Mimi’s knees and forces her gorgeous rear endup into the air. He calls for Zmuda to count her outbut her shoulders are not quite pinned so Zmuda cannotdo so. Abruptly, Mimi turns the tables on him andnearly pins him three times as the crowd goes berserk.Zmuda nearly counts out Kaufman but Kaufman alwaysmanages to kick free. Finally, Kaufman manages to getMimi on her back again and illegally chokes her. Thecrowd objects.]
Andy Kaufman: [atop Mimi, yelling at crowd] I’mnot chokin’! Come on! Competition! Let’s get somecompetition here!
[The match continues. The wrestlers trade advantage afew times before Kaufman finally pins an exhaustedMimi.]
Bob Zmuda: [counts her out, slapping the mat ashe does] One! Two! Three!
[The bell rings and the match is over — about threeminutes and fifteen seconds after it began.]
Bob Zmuda: He’s got it! He’s got it!
[Kaufman rises and pretends to kick the downed Mimiseveral times as the crowd boos. She tries to rise andhe shoves her down again. Zmuda separates them.Kaufman grabs the microphone and addresses thecamera.]
Andy Kaufman: Diana Nyad! I challenged you! Youchickened out! You swam to Cuba! [high-pitched voice]With all the sharks and the jellyfish! [resumestaunting] But you’re afraid to wrestle me?! Diana, Iwon’t offer you five hundred dollars! I’ll offer you–What do you want? I’ll offer you one thousand, twothousand — you want ten thousand dollars?! I’ll giveit to ya. If you could pin me here in this ring! Notonly that but I’ll have a barber here and, if you beatme, I will have my head shaved bald in front ofeveryone right here in the ring! Diana, any time,baby! I don’t think you can do it! … I don’tthink you can do it! Diana, do I hear you? [cluckslike a chicken] … Come on, baby! Wrestle me![applause, groans, plenty of boos and hisses asKaufman struts around] Shut up! Shutup!
[Fade out on Kaufman taunting the crowd. During this,we see Mimi Lambert — heiress to the Lacostesportswear fortune, dance student of Martha Graham’s– back in her front row seat, fixing herhair.]
[ Eric Idle is carried in on a stretcher by two hospital interns ]
Eric Idle: [ coughing ] Good evening. [ coughs ] M-my doctor.. said I can go on as long as I’m not funny. [ light laughter from the audience ] Lorne said the show wasn’t funny anyway, so I might as well go on. [ audience laughs ] So.. we’d like to kick off here with a new breakthrough in comedy. We’d like to do some medical impersonations – in particular, some stretcher impersonations.
First of all, the racing driver Sterling Moss. Thank you. [ interns hold Idle’s stretcher straight, as he motions his hands as though driving a race car ] Thank you very much.
And now, Number Two: Superman! [ interns turn the stretcher on one side, as Idle extends his arms outward to simulate flying ] Thank you!
And now, Number Three: Esther Williams! [ interns flip stretcher upside-down, Idle moves his arms to simulate underwater swimming ]
Number Four: Jack LaLanne. [ Idle drops his arms to the floor, as front intern drops and raises the top half of stretcher to simulate Idle doing push-ups ]
I want a more complicated one this time.. [ interns balance the stretcher upright, leaning at an angle as Idle holds his arms flat against his sides ] The Leaning Tower of Pisa! Thank you!
Admiral Nelson! [ interns tilt the stretcher forward at a slight angle, as Idle arranges his hands as though peering through a telescope ] Thank you!
[ interns straighten the stretcher on its side, as Idle ties a black bandana around his eyes ] Gary Gilmore!
[ interns spin the stretcher in a circle, as Idle claps his hands up and down ] A lighthouse! Thank you!
And finally, a tribute to the Marine Corps. Iwo Jima! [ military music plays, as the interns get on the same side to lean the stretcher forward, with Idle waving a tiny American flag ]
[ open on an image of a painting of a vase of flowers ]
Tom Clay V/O: The great paintings in today’s world aren’t hanging in some dusty gallery or museum.
[ cut to Tom Clay delivering his pitch ]
Tom Clay: They’re where the action is! In the more than 2 million hotel-motel rooms in the United States and Puerto Rico! Hi! I’m Tom clay! for Hotel-Motel Art Fair! Hey, you ever read about those auctions where somebody pays $2 million for a single painting? Well, he’s got nothing on Hotel-Motel Art Fair! We’ve spent $3 million, and now we’ve got thousands of paintings! Everything from sofa-sized landscapes to bathroom miniatures, at prices so low.. it’s hard to believe these masterpieces were painted by hand! And they’re all gonna go out the door this weekend at the 44 Hotel-Motel Art Fairs throughout the United States – take a look at this!
[ holds up a painting of a surfside sunset ]
Sunrise In Malibu. Until just a couple of months ago, it was in Casa Housron in one of the Midwest leading motel chains! A new decorator comes in and now you can hang this beautiful view of a dynamite area in your home for a fraction of what you’d pay in a museum or art store! And the reason? It’s simple! Hotel-Motel Art Fair buys in enormous quantities from quality hotels-motels. Then we open our huge multi-color tents only on weekends, and then you pocket the difference! And.. when you buy from Hotel-Motel Art Fair, you have the satisfaction of hanging one of the world’s most seen paintings right in your very own home!
So what are you waiting for! Hotel-Motel Art Fair’s open all day tomorrow, and there’s gotta be one near you! Whatever you’re looking for – whether it’s landscape, seascape, clown, children, sports, sunsets, menacing animals! It’s gotta be Hotel-Motel Art Fair! hurry for best selection!
Hotel-Motel Art Fair! Where they won’t let you buy it unless it’s framed!
Joan Face…..Jane Curtin Nigel Quist…..Eric Idle Greg Malone…..Bill Murray
[ open on show logo, dissolve to Joan Face seated center of ?? and ?? ; as show title suggests, everyone speaks with a high degree of arrogant sarcasm ]
Joan Face: Good evening, and welcome.. to “Heavy Sarcasm”. I’m your host, Joan Face. As you may know, this is our last show tonight.. but we put together a really fascinating program.. I’m sure you’ll love it. My first guest is a great, great writer, Nigel Quist, who I know.. [ laughing ] ..you’re all big fans of, as who wouldn’t be?
Nigel Quist: Thank you, Joan. Being on your show is a REAL THRILL for me! It’s certainly a MUST for any author promoting a book.
Joan Face: Well, your career is really taking off. I hear you’ve just written a book about Bruce and Christy Jenner. That must have been a really rewarding experience.
Nigel Quist: Yes, it really was REALLY INTERESTING to write.. I mean, they are a WONDERFUL couple.
Joan Face: Well, I’m sure your book will sell millions.
Nigel Quist: I HOPE so. I mean, after all, what could be more IMPORTANT than BRUCE AND CHRISTY JENNER?
Joan Face: Okay. Let’s introduce our second exciting guest. An unbeievably gifted young actor, Greg Malone.
Greg Malone: Aw, thanks, Joan. By the way, you look greaaaat.
Joan Face: Thank you, Greg. Uh.. you’re the lucky young man who’s been chosen to play Bruce Jenner in the film version of, uh.. Nigel’s book.
Greg Malone: Oh, yes.. it’s a real breaaak. You know, I never knew what a deeply complex individual Bruce Jenner waaaas. And working with Nigel has been.. sooo great. He is a real genius.
Nigel Quist: Yeah, Greg’s performance is absolutely A-MAZING! A real OSCAR WINNER.
Joan Face: Greg, I know everyone in our audience follows your career closely.. I’m sure they’re aware of the recent tragedy in your life – by that, I mean the death of your attractive fiancee.. that must have been a tremendous loss..
Greg Malone: Well, gee shucks, thank, Joan.. that’s real nice of you.. It’s really comforting in this industry to find someone so warm.. as you.
Joan Face: Well, I don’t know how any film could surpass.. Nigel’s book! But I’m sure we’ll all be flocking to the theaters to see it. Well, that about wraps up our show, and what a capper to the whole series it’s been.
Nigel Quist: I must say, Joan, when I heard your show was CANCELLED, I was REALLY SURPRISED.
Greg Malone: Oh yeah, I know I never missed it. I don’t know what I’m going to do with my Wednesday afternoons now.
Joan Face: Well, it’s been terrific fun. Let’s all work together real soon.
Greg Malone: Geez, I can’t wait.
Nigel Quist: LIKEWISE!
Joan Face: Well, that’s it. I don’t know how the time flies by so fast. But before I go, I want to say that doing this show has made me realize how lucky I am to be living in this country, at this exciting point in history. It really makes me glad to be alive. Thanks from the bottom of my heart. This has been Joan Face for “Heavy Sarcasm”. Good night.
[ open on Customer browsing the window display at Mr. Howard’s Shoe Store prior to entering ]
Salesman: Good morning, sir!
Customer: Good morning. I’d like some handmade shoes.
Salesman: Ah! Well then, you’ve certainly come to the right place, because this indeed is a handmade shoe shop! Well, the shop isn’t handmade, the shoes are, obviosuly, of course!
Customer: [ smiling ] Well, good… good.
Salesman: Yes, good. Now, had you gone to an antique shop or a furniture store, you’d be in the wrong place. But you’re not, so congratulations and well done! [ he shakes the customer’s hand ]
Customer: Well, thank you.
Salesman: not at all! And that in itself qualifies you for a FREE gift! Conchita!
[ the salesman claps his hands, as Conchita rushes out and kisses the customer on the lips before disappearing into the stockroom ]
Customer: What was that?
Salesman: That was your free gift, Sir. We used to give little hats and silly whistles, but we found that our customers prefer a kiss from Conchita.
Customer: I see.
Salesman: Now then, Sir — what was it you wanted?
Customer: Shoes. I need shoes.
Salesman: Certainly, Sir. Any color?
Customer: Yes, I’m particularly interested in brown shoes.
Salesman: Well! [ he stands before a wall of shoeboxes ] We’ve got red, black, blue, yellow —
Customer: Any brown?
Salesman: Uh — magenta, orange —
Customer: Brown!
Salesman: Taupe, pink, oyster —
Customer: Brown shoes! I need brown shoes!
Salesman: Ray, silver, gold, old gold, fool’s gold —
Customer: Shut up! Will you please shut up?! Do you have any brown shoes or not?
Salesman: Well, Sir, to be perfectly frank… yes!
Customer: So, what’s with all the different colors?
Salesman: Just showing off, I suppose, Sir — and making sure you really did want a brown shoe.
Customer: Well, that’s what I want.
Salesman: The brown?
Customer: Yes.
Salesman: Congratulations, Sir — on that alone, you’ve won another free gift, this tiem from the luscious lips of Angelica!
[ Angelica rushes out and kisses the customer on the lips before disappearing into the stockroom ]
Salesman: Now, then — what was it you wanted, Sir?
Customer: A brown shoe.
Salesman: Ah, yes! The brown shoe! What size, Sir?
Customer: 10 and-a-half.
Salesman: Well… we have 8, we have 9 and-a-half, we have 7 and-a-half, we have 10 and-three-quarters —
Customer: 10 and-a-half!
Salesman: We have, uh, 13 — probably a bit too large for you.
Customer: I want a size 10 and-a-half shoe!
Salesman: Uh, we have 5 — that’s probably a bit on the snug size.
Customer: I want a size 10 and-a-half shoe!! Now, do you have that size, 10 and-a-half, YES or NO?!
Salesman: [ reluctantly ] Yes.
Customer: Well, then why go through all that?!
Salesman: Because it’s my job, Sir. I am a shoe salesman. Selling shoes is my life. It is my metier. My vocation. My forte. My thing! My gift! My mission! My raison d-etre! My joi de vivre! It’s just my bag, man!
Customer: Well, I appreciate that, Sir, but I want only one kind of shoe, and THAT is a size 10 and-a-half brown shoe!
Salesman: [ he holds up a single show ] Here you are, Sir.
Customer: Fine. Where’s the other one?
Salesman: Other, Sir?
Customer: Where’s the other shoe?
Salesman: It’s on the other foot, Sir.
Customer: On the what?
Salesman: The shoe is on the other foot, Sir. [ he holds up his shoeless foot ]
Customer: What’s the point?
Salesman: The point is, how many do you want, Sir?
Customer: I’d like two shoes.
Salesman: [ surprised ] TWO shoes?
Customer: Yes. Two shoes.
Salesman: TWO?!
Customer: Yes. TWO!
Salesman: Not just one?
Customer: No, not one!
Salesman: Two?!
Customer: Look — I have a foot on each side, and I want a shoe for each side.
Salesman: But it’s more expensive, Sir.
Customer: More expensive than what?
Salesman: Than one shoe.
Customer: How much more expensive?
Salesman: Twice as expensive.
Customer: How much is one shoe?
Salesman: Half as much.
Customer: Half as much as what?
Salesman: Half as much as two, Sir.
Customer: Alright, I’m gonna stay real calm on this. Hang on, will you, and I’m not gonna hit you just yet. Alright?
Salesman: Thank you, Sir! And because of that, you’ve earned another bonus gift, from my youngest — Juanita!
[ Juanita rushes out and kisses the customer on the lips before disappearing into the stockroom ]
Customer: Alright, alright, alright! STOP with the free kissing! STOP with the half-as-much-as-two business! No, you wear only one shoe?
Salesman: Yes, Sir. Yes, I do. Yes.
Customer: Alright, let me ask you this, with all due respect: Isn’t it a bit painful? I mean, say you’re getting all dressed up to go to a dress ball —
Salesman: Oh, I don’t go to dances, Sir, I find them pretentious and boring!
Customer: Alright, uh… you’ve been invited to a dinner party at your boss’ house —
Salesman: Ohhhh, I wouldn’t go to a dinner party at my boss’ house, Sir. First of all, I HATE my boss, and secondly I find his house depressing.
Customer: Alright, let’s just say you’re going bowling.
Salesman: I don’t bowl — war injury.
Customer: Alright. You’re going out with your wife!
Salesman: My wife is DEAD.
Customer: I’m sorry. You’re walking your dog!
Salesman: I HATE dogs! I detest ALL pets!
Customer: Alright. You’re sitting home watching TV!
Salesman: I don’t own a TV, I find it repugnant and childish.
Customer: Alright, let’s say you’re going to a movie!
Salesman: I hate movies.
Customer: It’s A DOCUMENTARY!!
Salesman: Biased and boring.
Customer: Okay, you’re just sitting home reading a book.
Salesman: I do not read books. Books are often made into movies, and I HATE all forms of entertainment!
Customer: [ aggravated ] Then, what DO you DO?!
Salesman: I sell shoes, Sir! Shoe selling is my LIFE, Sir! I’m incessantly selling shoes, I never STOP selling shoes!
Customer: One shoe at a time?
Salesman: Precisely!
Customer: Do you have a, uh, 10 and-a-half brown?
Salesman: Yes, Sir!
Customer: How much is it?
Salesman: Ten dollars!
Customer: I’ll take two!
Salesman: SOLD!
[ they shake on the agreement ]
Salesman: Conchita! Angelica! Juanita!
[ the girls come back out and dance around the customer, as the camera pulls back on the set with SUPER: “coming up next: DNA Designer Genes” ]
Doctor…..Harry Shearer …..Gilda Radner …..Lorne Michaels …..Buck Henry
[ open on tight shot, door to Eric Idle’s dressing room (labelled 8H-7) ]
[ the door opens, and out steps a casually-dressed doctor in glasses and stethoscope; he sighs heavily before heading down the hall, where he runs into Gilda Radner and Jane Curtin ]
Gilda Radner: Doctor. How is he?
Doctor: It’s not good.. Not good. [ continues down the hall ]
[ cut to Lorne Michaels knee-deep in conversation with Buck Henry, as a cavalcade of the evening’s jokey non-performances – including a guy walking a llama – pass through the hall; the Doctor approaches ]
Lorne Michaels: Doctor. How is he?
Doctor: Mr. Michaels, this man has a 104 temperature, he has a cute laryngitis, and yet, even in his delerious state, he insists in going on! However, in my opinion, there is no way that Eric Idle is capable of doing a show tonight.
Buck Henry: [ being helpful ] I’ll go on.
Lorne Michaels: Doctor, he’s a pro. If he says he can do it, he can do it, uh.. it’s not gonna kill him.
Doctor: I’d say if he performs, he has a 50-50 chance of surviving the show.
Buck Henry: [ sounding needy ] I’ll go on.
Lorne Michaels: I can’t believe this..
Doctor: Uh, what I don’t understand is, Mr. Michaels, is why you didn’t call me earlier. This is a very sick man.
Buck Henry: [ pleading ] I’ll go on!
Lorne Michaels: Well, I thought it was the.. Dylan being here. You know? All week, everyone was making such a fuss about Dylan.. Eric’s an actor, I just thought that this sore throat was an attempt to get attention.
Buck Henry: [ now sounding desperate ] I’ll go on..
Doctor: Well, I’m telling you, if you put that man on stage in his present condition, he may die!
Buck Henry: [ yelling upon deaf ears ] I can go on!
Lorne Michaels: I’m afraid that’s a chance I’m gonna have to take, Doctor.
Doctor: Alright.. but you’re gonna have to take full responsibility.
Buck Henry: [ frantically ] I’ll go on!
Lorne Michaels: [ sighs ] How long will it take to get him ready?
Doctor: Well.. I could shoot him up with some Cordazon.. but I want you to know shooting a patient up with drugs goes against everything I stand for as a doctor! You’re asking me to tear up the Hippocratic Oath and throw it in the toilet! You’re asking me to abandon every principle held by the medical profession! I-I-I absolutely refuse!
Buck Henry: Lorne, the doctor is right. What you’ve got in there is a half-dead Englishman! Someone who can’t possibly get up in time to host the show! Now, I can give you the energy and the enthusiasm you need! Listen to this: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!
[ a beat, as Lorne and the Doctor stare at Buck ]
Doctor: [ shakes head with relunctance ] Well.. I’ll give him the shots.. [ returns to Idle’s dressing room ]
[ dissolve to opening montage, as the SNL Band catches up from the non-traditional opening by the third frame ]
… Jane Curtin … Bill Murray Gerald Hacker … Harry Shearer Danny Kreutzman … Paul Shaffer Roseanne Roseannadanna … Gilda Radner
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, withthe Weekend Update news team. Here are anchorpersonsBill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: [clock on the wall reads NEWMEXICO] Good evening. I’m Jane Curtin. Here now thenews. Our top story tonight:
New evidence revealed this week may force the exhumingof the body of Lee Harvey Oswald. Discrepanciesbetween autopsy reports and Oswald’s Marine recordshave led some to believe that the man occupyingOswald’s grave was an agent of the KGB. After hearingthis, Senator Ted Kennedy said, “If it’s not Oswald,I’m not running.” …
Following a false report that Soviet president LeonidBrezhnev had died, a Communist Party official said,quote, “With rumors like that, he should live for ahundred years.” End quote. Meanwhile, Brezhnev, toshow that he was still healthy and active – [photo ofBrezhnev leaning on two distinguished statesmen] -posed for this picture lifting Foreign Minister AndreiGromyko while picking the pocket of West GermanChancellor Helmut Schmidt. … [Doctored photo of theBeatles’ “Abbey Road” album cover with Brezhnev’s headreplacing Paul McCartney’s] And, in a related story,Moscow correspondents are puzzled over why Brezhnev isbarefoot on the cover of his new album. … They alsoclaim that if the tape of last week’s Politburomeeting is played backwards, a party secretary can beheard muttering, “I buried Leonid.” …
Mother Teresa, the nun whose work in the slums ofCalcutta won her the Nobel Peace Prize, has alreadydecided how she’ll spend her prize money. This weekshe goes shopping for a Mercedes 450 and then plansto, quote, “get the hell out of this jerkwater town.”End quote. …
Bill?
Bill Murray: It took six days to count all thevotes in last Saturday’s non-binding Florida caucuselections and the winner was finally announcedyesterday. Jimmy Carter defeated Senator EdwardKennedy by a 2 to 1 margin in an election that drewfew voters and had no official effect. Thepre-campaign scene now has shifted to England and fora live report, here’s Weekend Update politicalcorrespondent Gerald Hacker in London.
[Fade out and in to pompous newsman Gerald Hackerseated beneath a clock and a sign reading WEEKENDUPDATE / LONDON. SUPER: LIVE VIA SATELLITE]
Gerald Hacker: Bill, the idea of foreignersvoting for American presidential hopefuls is a newone. But it seems to have caught on in North Dorking,a town of twenty-two thousand, southwest of London.Today’s North Dorking straw vote was organized by ayoung Englishwoman whose previous political experiencewas limited to reading the European edition of TimeMagazine.
[Cut to interview footage with bespectacledEnglishwoman. SUPER: LESLEY ELIOT / Straw VotePromoter.]
Lesley Eliot: If the States get a reallydreadful president, it’s not just you people whosuffer, is it? I mean, we all have to live with him,you know. So I was thinking, why not give someEnglishmen a chance to have a vote on it. Maybe at thesame time, that’ll attract a lot of Americans overhere and do something for the economy of NorthDorking.
[Cut to interview footage with bespectacled Americanman. SUPER: DANNY KREUTZMAN / KennedyActivist.]
Danny Kreutzman: I heard about what Miss Elliotwas doing when I was over here, er, making somearrangements for Meat Loaf’s first European tour and,uh, I became interested from the standpoint of settingup a committee which would, by its very nature, drawsome financial support from, uh, sources who wereinterested in seeing Senator Kennedy defeat PresidentCarter in something, somewhere, uh, at some point inthe present, and of course, uh, those funds would go -to me. …
[Cut back to pompous newsman Gerald Hacker.]
Gerald Hacker: When Carter Administrationofficials became aware of Kreutzman’s activities onbehalf of Kennedy, they sprang into action. Earlierthis week, Defense Secretary Harold Brown visitedNorth Dorking, promising that if the Pentagon ever hasto be moved outside the continental United States forsecurity reasons, North Dorking would receive thehighest consideration as an alternative site. Thatconstruction project could pump as much as two hundredbillion dollars into the local economy.
[Cut to montage of voters on the street. SUPER: NORTHDORKING / St. John’s Parish]
Gerald Hacker V/O: Then North Dorking voted. Asin Florida, the turnout was small but vocal.Especially after voters were repeatedly asked to saysomething.
Male Voter: Well, he’s a Kennedy, isn’t he? Imean, he’s not the Kennedy but he’s aKennedy. Isn’t he?
Female Voter: I like Mr. Carter best. I likehis smile, his blue eyes — and he hasn’t got a dog.Give me a man without a dog!
[Cut back to pompous newsman Gerald Hacker.]
Gerald Hacker: Today’s straw vote wascompletely unofficial so official results will be hardto come by. But whoever wins, the psychologicalmomentum resulting from a victory so far from homecould have crucial impact on next week’sKennedy-Carter confrontation — a ten kilometer runsponsored by the Washington Post. … But for now, thebest thing we can say is: we don’t know anything atall about any of this. From London, this is GeraldHacker reporting for Weekend Update.
[Fade. Applause. Cut back to Jane at the WUdesk.]
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Gerald. I’m sure we’llbe hearing a lot from you.
Gerald R. Ford said yesterday that he will not run forpresident in 1980. Ford said that he thinks PresidentCarter will be reelected because, quote, “An incumbentpresident would have to be an idiot to lose. … Theincumbency is a great advantage, I wish I had it whenI was president.” End quote. …
[Photo of Bianca Jagger who looks quite a bit likehusband Mick Jagger] Well, the masquerade is over. Adejected Mick Jagger left a London court this weekafter losing a long battle to get a divorce fromhimself. … Jagger, a graduate of the London Schoolof Economics, hoped that by creating the character of”Bianca,” he could pay himself alimony and reaptremendous tax benefits. … [applause] But, followingthe verdict, the British rock star vowed to abandonthe charade and promised the world it would never seeBianca again. …
Princess Margaret, while on a visit to Chicago lastweek, shocked the guests at a dinner party byreferring to the Irish as “pigs.” That is the subjectof tonight’s commentary by Bill Murray.
Bill Murray: [in front of a clock labeled NEWBRUNSWICK] So the Irish are pigs? James Joyce, SeanO’Casey, George Bernard Shaw — pigs. What about NolanRyan? Eddie Murray of the Orioles? Willie Stargell.Bill Madlock. Tim Foley, who came over from the Mets,what a trade that turned out for the bucks. ChuckConnors with the Cubs and then went to “The Rifleman.”Mike Connors. Mike Connors, Mannix. I don’t believePrincess Margaret thinks Mannix is a pig. …
Everybody’s very upset about it but I say, let herslide on this. I mean, let the woman slide. I knowwhat you’re saying, “Bill, you’re Irish.” I’m ahundred per cent Irish. I’m an American – but theblood is green. … I say, let her slide. I mean, shewas just ‘faced, that’s all. She was just ‘faced. Imean, she hits Chicago, she goes out to dinner withsome wild green animals in that town, has a fewcocktails and she just gets ‘faced, you know. Sheturns to the Irish mayor of Chicago, Jane Byrne, saysthe Irish are pigs. Tell me she wasn’t too ‘faced ornothin’. Not much she wasn’t. So let her slide. Youknow, when somebody gets ‘faced, you let ’em slide onthat, especially, you know, a girl — when they get’faced. And, especially, a member of the royal family,you know?
Back in England, she’s the queen’s sister. She can’tget weird at all, you know. And, you know, if peopledon’t let you get weird nowadays, you get irreversiblyweird, I think. So let her slide! Come on, this isAmerica. Look — Princess Margaret is a pig. She’s aslut, she’s a tramp, she’s a slime bucket. So what?Right. Exactly. I can say this. She’s lettin’ meslide. … You know why? Because this is America. Andbecause I am ‘faced. … I am completely ‘faced. Idon’t know if this is even makin’ any sense. Listen,she was ‘faced. I am ‘faced. So let us bothslide on this. God, am I ‘faced. … Jane, are you as’faced as I am? … I am completely ‘faced….
[begins to read the next news item] Yesterday was AmyCarter’s twelfth birthday and, as usual, her familyand friends had a tough time picking– I am‘faced! … Yesterday was – was Amy Carter’stwelfth birthday and, as usual, her family and friendshad a tough time picking out the proper presents.After all, what do you give a girl who has nothing?…
Jane?
Jane Curtin: This week, many commercial banksbrought bad news to prospective homeowners by raisingthe mortgage rate to a record twelve per cent. This nodoubt will prevent thousands from purchasing a housebecause they can’t get financing. Here to commentfurther on this situation is Update’s economicadvisor, Roseanne Roseannadanna.
[Huge cheers and applause as we pan over to e loudLatina woman with the increasingly frizzyhair.]
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot, Jane!Thanks a lot! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, NewJersey writes in and says:
Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna,
New Jersey is no longer my cup of tea. I hate livin’here, I hate my job, I hate my kids, I hate theGiants, I want to move, I can’t get a mortgage, whatshould I do?
Well, Mr. Feder, I know exactly what you’re goin’through ’cause this past summer, I — RoseanneRoseannadanna — rented a house that I couldn’t affordin this real hotsy-totsy place called East Hampton…. East Hampton is this cute tiny town on Long Islandwhere everybody who’s anybody goes to spend thesummer. And I really love those Hamptons ’cause theair is clean and you got the ocean and the trees –plus, you get to see a lot of famous people wearin’cute little white shorts, joggin’ and ridin’ bicyclesand sweatin’ and breathin’ like pigs! …
Everybody out there is like a real health nut. Theyplay tennis and read a lot of books by Adelle Davis.Now, Adelle Davis was that real smart dead lady who onwrote on how to stay healthy and all those books thatgot the same title: “Let’s Eat Right” “Let’s Be Thin””Let’s Keep Fit” “Let’s Look Good” “Let’s Live Long””Let’s Be Alive” “Let’s Keep You Alive” “Let’s Keep MeAlive” “I Don’t Wanna Die” “I’m Dead” “What WentWrong?” … [cheers and applause]
And I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, learned if you want tostay fit in the Hamptons, you gotta eat a lot ofroughage. And do you know what roughage is? It’s thatfood that goes right through you like a fast train anddrags other stuff along with it so they don’t hangaround too long to rot and stink up your insides. …Now, imagine, if you could, the inside of your body asa big, long curving around pipe, like under a sink,with all these ugly germs and pieces o’ red meat anddiet soda and Twinkies and monosodium glutamate andstuff, sittin’ there and cloggin’ up everything. Butthen — this roughage stuff comes along and cleans outeverything! Just like Liquid Plumr! And gets you zippyclean!
The only trouble is, I hate eatin’ that roughagestuff. Like, I got invited to this one party that wasgiven at the private estate of Mr. Designer himself,Yves St. Laurent. And do you know what they had toeat? A thing they call crudité! That’s French. And itmeans celery sticks, carrot sticks, sliced radishes,raw broccoli, raw cauliflower, raw mushrooms, and ayogurt dip! … Now, what kinda great party is that?… Crudité? Not only does it taste bland, like yourfoot or something … but there’s so much crunchin’goin’ on, ya can’t hear what anybody’s talkin’ about….
Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch. And who’s crunchin’the loudest and drinkin’ bottles of Perrier but thehotshot host himself, St. Laurent. He looked realhealthy but every two minutes he excuses himself to goto the bathroom! … Well, one time, when he came out,just between you and me, Roseanne Roseannadanna, Inoticed that he had a little tiny wet spot on hiswhite pants right below his zipper. … It looked likea little raindrop! Or like a little clear splotch!Well, I thought I was gonna die! … I said, “Hey!Frenchie! Did that splotch come out o’ you?” And hesays, [French accent] “No way, ze water splash up fromze sink, I swear!”
But none of us believed him and we had to leave theparty ’cause he was makin’ all of us sick, you know?!… It wasn’t rainin’, there’s a drop on his pants! Icouldn’t believe it!
Jane Curtin: You’re making all of us sick,Roseanne.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: What’s your problem?Don’t you like French?
Jane Curtin: You’re supposed to come here andtalk about a man who wants to buy a house — not aboutroughage and Yves St. Laurent.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane, it justgoes to show ya. It’s always somethin’! If it’s notone thing, it’s another! Either you can’t get amortgage or it rains on your zipper. It’s just likethe little prayer that my father used to say to mebefore I went to sleep at night. He’d make sure I wasall tucked in, snug and cozy and everything and he’dtell me this prayer that was written by my veryreligious aunt — Hosanna Roseannadanna. … I’m gonnatell it to you.
Now I lay me down to sleep After a lot of roughage I did eat … I hope I die before I wake ‘Cause another washing these sheets can’t take!…
Good night, my little Roseanne Roseannadanna!
Jane Curtin: Good night, RoseanneRoseannadanna.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Good night, Jane! Comehere and let me touch your nose!
Jane Curtin: [putting a hand over Roseanne’smouth] That’s the news. Good night and have a pleasanttomorrow.
[Cheers and applause, cut to a wide shot of the deskand fade.]
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Air Date:
Eric is Sick
Summary: Buck Henry begs Lorne Michaels to let him host the show in place of a near-death Eric Idle.
Summary: Confined to a stretcher, Eric Idle performs a new breed of medical impressions that require little movement.
Summary: Pitchman Tom Clay (Harry Shearer) promotes the exquisite art treasures being sold at the acclaimed Hotel-Motel Art Fair.
Summary: A shoe salesman (Eric Idle) complicates his customer’s (Bill Murray) simple request for a size 10 and-a-half pair of brown shoes.
Summary: Prince Charles’ (Eric Idle) new book demonstrates the best methods for picking up girls.
Summary: Political correspondent Gerald Hacker (Harry Shearer) reports on a presidential straw vote held in England. Economic advisor Roseanne Roseannadanna (Gilda Radner) wanders from discussing the increase in mortgage rates to social gaffes by designer Yves St. Laurent.
Summary: A teenager (Laraine Newman) searches for her long-lost father (Bill Murray), who’s now working as a transvestite stripper.
Summary: Andy Kaufman wrestles a random female audience member.
Summary: Joan Face (Jane Curtin) is extra sarcastic towards her guests (Eric Idle, Bill Murray) on her show’s final broadcast.
Summary: Psychic Dorothy Haagen (Laraine Newman) channels the spirit of Elvis Presley (Andy Kaufman) to offer advice to her troubled viewers.
Transcript
