Category: 1979

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
Dr. Al Franken…..Al Franken

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are co-anchors Jane Curtain and Bill Murray.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.

85-year-old George Meaney announced from his wheelchair at the AFL-CIOConvention, Thursday, that he was retiring as President of the Organization. Unfortunately, no one from the Teamster’s Union was there to move him, and he was forced to sit there by himself in the auditorium waiting for someone from the morning shift.

And a verdict is finally in on longshoreman Union boss Anthony Scotto, who was convicted this week on thirty-three counts of racketeering on Brooklyn’s waterfront. Authorities, searching Scotto’s apartment, found 250 pounds of water and fish, which eyewitnesses claim Scotto had embezzled from the docks.

Jane Curtin: And now, a special science report from our “Weekend Update” Science Editor, Dr. Al Franken.

Dr. Al Franken: Well, thank you, Jane. The cockroach is actually any of numerous insects characterized by rapid movements and nocturnals habits. Now, the cockroach is a difficult insect to kill. In fact, the species pre-dates man, and may well survive us. [ removes a flask from his front pocket ] Now, I have here several live cockroaches. [ pulls one out of the flask ] Let’s just rip the antenna off and peel his legs and see what happens, and.. oh. I just tore his body off there, so, uh.. [ gets another cockroach ] Let’s see what happens when we.. stick a pin through him. [ stabs the cockroach ] As you can see, he’s wriggling around – a very, very difficult insect to kill, it’s fascinating. Now, heat.. is a very effective way of killing living matter, so let’s try boiling one of these fellas.. [ drops cockroach in a beaker and places it over fire ]. We’llcheck up on him later. [ takes out some more cockroaches ] Now, here we have a few more fellas.. let’s see what happens when we try a littledishwashing liquid. [ squeezes dishwashing liquid onto the cockroaches ] This should suffocate them..

Jane Curtin: [ interceding ] Dr., what are you trying to prove?

Dr. Al Franken: [ confused ] I’m sorry? I don’t know what you’re getting at.

Jane Curtin: What are these experiments supposed to demonstrate? Experiments usually try to prove something, or actually try to demonstrate some theory or fact..

Dr. Al Franken: Well, that’s not actually true. Most experiments are used to discover something.

Jane Curtin: Well, then, what are you trying to discover?

Dr. Al Franken: Well, I don’t know.. If scientists always had to know what they were trying to discover, we never would have invented penicillin, or photography, or a lot of other really important inventions. It’s a tedious process, but, unfortunately, it’s absolutely necessary.

Jane Curtin: Well, thank you very much, Dr. Franken.

Dr. Al Franken: Thank you, Jane.

Jane Curtin: Well, that’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 5

79e: Bea Arthur / The Roches

Woman to Woman

Connie Carson…..Gilda Radner
Rosemary O’Connell…..Bea Arthur

[ open on set with superimposed title card, with Helen Reddy’s “I am Woman” playing over it ]

Connie Carson: Hello, and welcome to “Woman to Woman”. I’m Connie Carson, a young career woman who’s made a career out of talking to women about women and their careers. Today, I’m talking to a woman who says she prefers to be described by one wrd: [ disgustedly ] “Mother.” I’d like you to meet Mrs. Rosemary O’Connell. Rosemary… just how many children do you and your husband have?

Rosemary O’Connell: Five. Five WONDERFUL children!

Connie Carson: Oh. [ she chuckles condescendingly ] Now, Rosemary, tell me, honestly: Are they really ALL wonderful?

Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, yes! ABSOLUTELY wonderful!

Connie Carson: Oh, but they must have all grown up by now and flown the nest.

Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, yes — they are all leading independent lives of their own now! My son Jimmy — he is the oldest — he’s a lawyer; uh, my daughter Louise is a doctor; uh, my son Max is a lawyer and a doctor; and my daughter Elizabeth is a doctor and a lawyer; and my youngest son, Free — [ she laughs ] he’s the hippie in the family! — he’s a paralegal… and a paramedic!

Connie Carson: [ frowning ] Oh. And do they stay in touch, or, uh, have they forgotten all about their old mom?

Rosemary O’Connell: Connie, do you know that each one of them calls me every single day? Sometimes TWICE a day? [ she laughs ] Oh, it’s almost a NUISANCE!

Connie Carson: I see. Of course, I never had any children. Oh, how could I? I’m not married. Uh — but when I imagine giving birth to FIVE bald, red-faced, ugly, drooling, mucus —

Rosemary O’Connell: Honey, ALL of my children were born with FULL heads of hair.

Connie Carson: But, Rosemary, isn’t going through labor hell?

Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, not for me. It was a SNAP! I guess I was lucky!

Connie Carson: [ desperately ] Stretch marks!

Rosemary O’Connell: What?

Connie Carson: [ gritting her teeth ] You heard me.

Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, that! Oh, Connie! Now, what are a few stretch marks compared to the joy of bringing a new human being into the world?

Connie Carson: [ dismayed ] Yes. Well, I wouldn’t know. Uh — just tell me if I’m right on this one: I would imagine that, with five children, a career, like the wonderful career I have, would be absolutely out of the question.

Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, not really. Not at all! You see — I’m a best-selling novelist. I write gothic romances — under another name, of course!

Connie Carson: [ she chuckles in annoyance ] That so? I suppose you work at home?

Rosemary O’Connell: Yes. I write all my books in long-hand, at home, in bed. The children used to take turns typing and proofreading the manuscripts. They know that their mommy is… [ with a French accent ] Corrine DeRoche — author of all 28 Desiree novels.

Connie Carson: [ nearly gasping for breath ] So, Rosemary, you’re a mother, God knows, and a HACK writer. But, what about your husband? Doesn’t he feel left out?

Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, not at all. No, my husband has said repeatedly that, for him, there is no more beautiful sight in the world than… a woman cradling a child to her breast.

Connie Carson: [ miffed ] What does he do?!

Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, he’s an art historian. Uh — medieval portraiture — madonnas, mostly.

Connie Carson: [ shuffling her note cards ] Let’s see… um… Have, um, have any of your children ever gotten into trouble, huh, caused you any great pain?

Rosemary O’Connell: Oh… Connie, Connie, Connie! Never!

Connie Carson: [ disappointed ] Oh, Rosemary, Rosemary, Rosemary… What about drug abuse? I mean, uh, pills, angel dust, anything like that?

Rosemary O’Connell: No. Connie, may I tell you a very personal, and, I think, a very touching story?

Connie Carson: [ snidely ] What’s stopping you?

Rosemary O’Connell: Well, Connie, when my kids were starting Junioh High… I got one of every drug that was available on the street. And I laid them all out in front of them, and then I told them the pharmaceutical name, the slang name, the side effects, and the street value of each one. And I said, “Kids… if ever you feel tempted… to take any of these drugs, come to me, your mother, and I’ll take them with you.”

Connie Carson: [ stunned ] And, uh… did they?

Rosemary O’Connell: [ chuckling ] Oh, yes! Free and I dropped acid together in the late sixties! I know it was one of the msot beautiful experiences of my life, and I like to believe that it was for Free, also.

Connie Carson: [ trying to laugh ] Okayyyyy, viewers. Here’s today’s mother for you: Rosemary O’Connell. She forces her innocent children to take DRUGS with her! [ she smiles, satisfied ] Well, that’s all the time we have for “Woman to Woman”. I’m Connie Carson, a young, unmarried career woman with no children, who makes a career out of talking to women about women and their careers. Be sure to, uh, join us next week when we’ll be talking to Joan Kennedy about the tremendous progress she’s made in learning to control her facial muscles in public. Good night!

[ pull out to superimposed title and theme track, then fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 6


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


December 8th, 1979

Howard Hesseman

Randy Newman

None

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Peter Aykroyd
Great Moments in Rock & RollSummary: Early in his career, James Brown (Garrett Morris) is forced to abandon his Scottish musical roots.

Recurring Characters: Don Kirshner, James Brown.

Montage

Howard Hesseman’s MonologueSummary: Howard Hesseman whips the audience into a pro-restraint chant.

The Bel AirabsSummary: Profiteers (Howard Hesseman, Garrett Morris) attempt to swindle the newfound fortune of Abdul Asad (Don Novello) and his clan.

Recurring Characters: Mudhad Asad, Fatima Asad, Abdul Asad, Granny, Miss Hathaway.

Randy Newman performs “It’s Money That I Love” & “I’m Gonna Take Off My Pants”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Chico Escuela (Garrett Morris) gives a sports update and tries to avoid mentioning Anita Dark. Al Franken announces that the 1980’s will henceforth be known as The Al Franken Decade.

Recurring Characters: Chico Escuela.

Transcript

BoyfriendsSummary: Susan’s (Gilda Radner) feelings for boyfriend Jerome (Howard Hesseman) are complicated by a visit from ex-lover Scott (Bill Murray).

Transcript

Stereo 105Summary: Obnoxious morning jock Steve Marvin (Harry Shearer) interviews former radio man Howard Hesseman.

Transcript

The Nuclear FamilySummary: Family unit (Howard Hesseman, Jane Curtin, Peter Aykroyd, Laraine Newman) are oblivious to the negative aspects of living between a pair of nuclear reactors.

Transcript

Randy Newman performs “The Story of a Rock & Roll Band”

“First Love”Summary: In a film by Aviva Slesin, Jane Curtin tries desperately to catch up with her first love, Walter Cronkite.

The Holiday Inn Horror Summary: A couple’s (Bill Murray, Jane Curtin) relaxing hotel stay is interrupted by maid Rosa Santangelo’s (Gilda Radner) 6:30 a.m. vacuuming duties.

Recurring Characters: Rosa Santangelo.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

The All-New Mr. Bill Show

Mr. Bill: Hi, and welcome to the “All-New Mr. Bill Show”! with an all-new cast! Yayyyyyy!! You know.. that mean ol’ Sluggo and Mr. Hands won’t be back this season, because I think they were holding us back. But don’t worry, kids, because we’re gonna do a lot of fun things. Yayyyyyyy!! Say, to help start off the festivities, here’s my co-host, and my best friend – Spot! Yayyyyyy!!!

[ Spot barks ]

Mr. Bill: [ laughing ] Spot says it fits the flea perfectly! Spot, you’re so funny! And now, kids, I’d like to introduce you to a new guest on the show. She’s really versatile, witty and cute, and I met her on the beach this summer – let’s hear it for Miss Sally! Yayyyyyy!!

[ Miss Sally is revealed ]

Mr. Bill: Say, Miss Sally.. I wanted to show the kids some movies of how we met at the beach this summer.

Miss Sally: [ excited ] Okay!

Mr. Bill: Oh, great! So, will you roll the film now, please? [ the film doesn’t start ] Uhhh.. the film, please? Could you roll it?

[ Mr. Hands reaches into the scene carrying a film projector ]

Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill.. I’m returning the protector I borrowed. Oops!

[ drops the projector on Miss Sally ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhh! Sally, ohhhh! Mr. Hands! Didn’t I tell you to quit coming over here? Huh?

[ Spot barks ]

Mr. Bill: Yeah! And, you know, we were having the best show ever until you showed up!

Mr. Hands: But Mr. Bill, I heard you were showing home movies tonight.

Mr. Bill: Well, I’m not in the mood any more!

Mr. Hands: Oh, come on. Help me plug it in.

Mr. Bill: [ with his arm casually resting on the projector reel ] Ohhh, no. You just want to shock me! Well, I’m not falling for that one again!

Mr. Hands: Okay. I’ll do it.

[ Mr. Hands plugs in the projector, which slices off Mr. Bill’s arm when the reels begins to spin ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhh!!!

[ the film begins to play, showing Mr. Bill and Spot at the beach with Mr. Hands ]

Mr. Hands V/O: Ah, what a beautiful day that was, when we went to the beach at Coney Island.

Mr. Bill: Oh, goodie! Oh boy, we’re gonna have fun today at the beach!

Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill, let’s toss the frisbee.

Mr. Bill: But I’m busy right now!

Mr. Hands: Oh.. okay. I’ll play with Spot. Here, Spot! Catch the frisbee!

[ Mr. Hands tosses the frisbee, which slices Spot’s head off ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, no! Spot, oh!

[ Mr. Hands brings Miss Sally onto the beach scene ]

Mr. Hands: Oh, say, Mr. Bill.. this nice, young lady returned your frisbee.

Mr. Bill: Oh gee, thanks, Miss. Would you like to stay for lunch? Huh?

Miss Sally: Okay.

Mr. Bill: Oh, good! Say, Mr. Hands.. uh.. do we have any more food in the basket, huh?

Mr. Hands: Gee, I don’t know.. why don’t you check?

[ Mr. Hands holds Mr. Bill up to the open picnic basket ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, okay.. gee.. there’s nothing left.

Mr. Hands: Oh?

[ Mr. Hands closes the basket onto Mr. Bill’s arm ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: [ throws the beach ball ] Say, why don’t you two throw the beach ball around?

[ the beach ball flattens Mr. Bill and Miss Sally onto the sand ]

Mr. Hands: Oh! You’re suntanning! Say, I’ll put on some hand lotion, and protect you from the sun. [ pours lighter fluid onto Mr. Bill’s back ]

Mr. Bill: Well, okay..

Mr. Hands: Say, you know, and I’ve got something that’ll give you an even quicker tan. [ holds a magnifying glass over Mr. Bill ]

Mr. Bill: [ nervous ] Uh, what’s that, Mr. Hands? [ the sun into the magnifying glass causes Mr. Bill to ignite faster than Michael Jackson ] Wait, that’s too hot! No, I don’t- ohhhhhh!!

[ cut to Mr. Bill at the movie projector watching in horror ]

[ cut back to the movie, as a buff beachgoer runs toward the camera and kicks sand at it ]

Mr. Hands: Uh-oh! Here comes Miss Sally’s jealous boyfriend.

[ the sand has left Mr. Bill buried along the shore ]

Mr. Hands: Oh! He kicked sand in your face! [ reaches down to retrieve Mr. Bill ] Uh.. Mr. Bill? What are you doing, looking for buried treasure? Huh? [ lifts Mr. Bill out of the sand with a shovel, revealing a small treasure ] Oh, boy, you hit the jackpot, Mr. Bill! That’s great!

Mr. Bill: Oh, really? I did! Well, what’s inside, huh, Mr. Hands?

Mr. Bill: Well, here.. why don’t you check? [ holds the treasure chest to Mr. Bill’s hand, then lets it shut close ]

Mr. Bill: No, wait, no, no..! [ Mr. Hands opens the chest to reveal tiny mousetraps covering his hand ] Ohhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill.. why don’t you wash some of that sand off of you, huh? [ tosses Mr. Bill into the surf ]

Mr. Bill: No, no! But you know I can’t swim!

Mr. Hands: Oh, gee, that’s right.. I’d better get the lifeguard.. [ reveal Sluggo as the lifeguard ] He said this will save you.. [ tosses a life preserver over Mr. Bill ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhh!

Mr. Hands: [ places Mr. Bill on a stray surfboard ] Oh, boy! Surf’s up, Mr. Bill!

Mr. Bill: Oh, but you know I can’t surf! Ohhhhhh!!

Mr. Hands V/O: Boy, Mr. Bill, you really rode those waves that day. And Miss Sally was so impressed with how brave you were to fight the dangerous shark.

[ Mr. Bill surfs right into the waiting, open mouth of a shark ]

[ cut back to the all-new Mr. Bill set, where only Spot and Mr. Hands remain ]

Mr. Hands: Man, that was quite a day, Mr. Bill. Uh.. Mr. Bill? Mr. Bill, where are you?

[ Spot barks ]

Mr. Hands: Oh, really, Spot? Hmm. Oh, say, Spot, uh.. between you and me, I like the set the way it used to be.

[ Mr. Hands cuts the string atop the disco ball, as it falls flat on top of Spot ]

Mr. Hands: Ah, much better. See you net time, bye-bye!

[ close ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

The Pope at Monsterdome

Security Guard…..Garrett morris
Sister Francis Mary Bryson…..Laraine Newman
Delivery Boy…..Jim Downey
Monsignor Aldini…..Bill Murray
Aldini’s Date…..Jane Curtin
Singing Nun…..Gilda Radner
Guard…..Tom Davis
The Pope…..Steve Martin

[ open on NBC animated graphic ]

Announcer: “N-B-C, Smart As a Pea-Cock!”

[ dissolve to exterior Monsterdome, prior to The Pope’s visit. A security guard stands at the door to make sure only authorized personnel have diret access to The Pope ]

[ SUPER: “THIS IS NOT A REPEAT” ]

Security Guard: Alright! Alright, everybody, hey! Move back, please! If you’re not on the list, and you don’t have a pass.. stand behind the barricade, okay! Stand behind the barricade!

[ the crowd boos ]

Security Guard: Say, Jack.. say, Jack.. say, have you got a pass?

Bishop McCreary: Bishop McCreary – plus one.

Security Guard: Oh.. oh.. yeah.. okay. Right here. You’re on the list. Alright? [ hands name tags to to the Bishop and his guest ] Put that right there, and go ahead. Please. Bishop McCreary, go ahead.

[ Bishop McCreary enters, as Sister Francis Mary Bryson steps up ]

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: Hello.

Security Guard: Yes, ma’am.

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: I’m Sister Francis Mary Bryson. I’m a militant nun.

Security Guard: [ consults his list ] Well.. you’re not on the list.

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: Well.. I know I’m not on the list.. you see, I’m concerned.. well.. perhaps “concerned” is too strong a word. I’m hopeful that his Holy Father would, perhaps, um.. listen to, well.. perhaps t’s unfair to suggest that he wouldn’t.. listen.. that he would consider.. some of our, uh.. “demands”.. uh, I mean.. “suggestions”! “Suggestions”! Uh.. increasing the role of women in the church.. and I would like to enter a formal protest.

Security Guard: Hmm..

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: I mean “vigil”.

Security Guard: Mmm-hmm..

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: Silent “vigil”. [ pointing ] And, uh.. I-I-I’d just be behind there, I mean I wouldn’t make one sound.. you wouldn’t even know I was-

Security Guard: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. Well, I’ll tell you what – the Pope said that anyone who wants to make a protest should stand behind that barricade, and the Pope will come out and talk to you at the end.

Sister Francis Mary Brison: Ohh.. okay.. thank you. Well, would you mind if I lit this candle?

Security Guard: Sure – behind the barricade.

[ Delivery Boy steps up, holding a papl gown in plastic wrap ]

Delivery Boy: G&K Cleaners? Had to take care of the wine stain?

Security Guard: [ hands him a name tag ] Oh, yeah.. here, man.. put this on and go ahead.

[ Delivery Boy enters, as Monsignor Aldini and his date (dressed as a nun) step up ]

Monsignor Aldini: Hi.

Security Guard: Yes? Yes?

Monsignor Aldini: Monsignor Aldini – with a guest.

Security Guard: [ consults his list ] I’m sorry, you’re not on the list, man.

Monsignor Aldini: Look under “Monsignors”.

Security Guard: Nope. Nope.

Aldini’s Date: I can’t believe this is happening to Monsignor Aldini!

Monsignor Aldini: Alright, wait a minute.. I’m a friend of His Holiness. He told me: “Stage Entrance, with a guest. No problem.”

Security Guard: Man, I wish I had a dollar for every guy who told me he knew the Pope! Now get behind that barricade!

Aldini’s Date: Can you believe this, Monsignor? [ chuckles ]

Monsignor Aldini: Welllll.. it could happen.. [ pretends to recognize a passing bishop ] Father Runyon! Jimmy Runyon! Hey! Hey! It’s me! Aldini! Hey, look – if you see the Vicar of Christ in there, will you tell him he forgot to put me on the list!

Security Guard: I’m not gonna tell you again, man! Get behind the barricade now!

[ Monsignor Aldini and his date step aside, as one-hit wonder recording artist The Singing Nun steps up ]

The Singing Nun: Pardon? I believe I am on ze list? I am the Singing Nun.

Security Guard: [ consults his list ] Nope. Sorry.

The Singing Nun: But I am the Singing Nun. Listen.. [ strums guitar and sings her one hit “Dominique” ]

Security Guard: Does anybody know this penguin here?! Huh?

Second Guard: Don’t mind her – she’s been hanging around for the whole tour.

Security Guard: Yeah..

Second Guard: If His Holiness sees her backstage, he’ll flip!

Security Guard: Right.. right. [ to the Singing Nun ] Okay, okay.. look. That’s it.. that’s it, now. Behind the barricade.. behind the barricade..

[ The Singing Nun is pushed aside, as Monsignor Aldini decides to make another try at getting in ]

Monsignor Aldini: Okay, now.. I can see why you threw out the Singing Nun – she’s obviously a Dominican bloodsucker. But the Holy Father is expecting me, and I would not like to be in your Adidas when the man says “Where’s Monsignor Aldini?” Okay?

Security Guard: Man.. get.. behind.. the barricade!

Aldini’s Date: I can’t believe this is happening!

Monsignor Aldini: Did the Holy Father say what hotel he’s staying at?

Security Guard: Yeah, I think he’s staying at the Y!

Monsignor Aldini: The YMCA?

Security Guard: Yeah!

Monsignor Aldini: I am a man of God! But I have a limit to my patience!

[ Monsignor Aldini and his date are escorted away from the door, as a group of bishops step out; the crowd gets excited ]

Crowd: Is he coming through!!

[ suddenly, The Pope comes out, the crowd going wild ]

The Pope: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

Rise

…..Steve Martin
…..Buck Henry

[ show exterior visual of the New York Port Authority ]

[ dissolve to interior, Steve Martin cleaning his hands in the sink of an unappealing public bathroom ]

Steve Martin: I hate bathrooms like this – they’re dirty, they’re disgusting, and they’re germ-ridden. Hi. I’m Steve Martin. You know, whether you like it or not, there are times when all of us have no coice but to use facilities that aren’t exactly.. “sanitized for your protection.” How do you protect yourself? These things? [ pulls a seat protection sheet from a dispenser ] Sorry – too thin. Germs can eat their way through this flimsy tissue and attack your leg in no time at all!

[ removes product from his pocket, and holds it up to the camera ]

That’s why I use.. Rise. Just one drop of Rise, and we guarantee that your seat will never make contact with their seat. You see, Rise contains the same active ingredient as Crazy Glue. Only we’ve taken out the adhesive. Therefore, once Rise enters the bloodstream.. [ sprays Rise into his mouth ] it actually repels all surfaces.

[ enters bathroom stall, closes the door and takes his seat ]

[ camera holds on the outside of stall door, as we suddenly notice Steve’s head “rise” slowly past the top of the stall door, a smirk on his face ]

I am now seating about eight inches above the bowl, and I’ll shake the hand of any germ who can make that leap! Just one drop of Rise can keep a guy my size afloat and out of danger for five full days!

[ in adjacent stall, the head of a bearded Buck Henry hidden behind a newspaper suddenly “rises” above the stall door ]

Steve Martin: Hi!

Buck Henry: [ lowers his paper to return the greeting ] Hello!

Steve Martin: The choice is yours. You can sit in it.. or you can “Rise” above it.

Announcer: Rise. Helps keep the “high” in “hygeine”.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

Great Moments In Rock History

Don Kirschner…..Paul Shaffer
Carole King…..Laraine Newman
Henry……Steve Martin
Mugger…..Garrett Morris

[ open on title card ]

[ dissolve to Don Kirschner in studio ]

Don Kirschner: I’m Don Kirschner… and welcome to “Great Moments in Rock History”! A show that tells the stories behind the hits… the loves, the fears, the anxieties, the depressings, the inspirations… which come together… to make up… the rock and roll industry! Tonight… “Great Moments” looks… at a great lady: Miss Carole King! For most, it is impossible to pinpoint… the greatest moment in an artist’s career… but not for me, Don Kirschner! To ME… Carole King’s GREATEST moment… was when she wrote her GREATEST hit… “You’ve Got A Friend”! So, tonight, “Great Moments”… takes you… to Upper West Side, New York… where Carole King’s GREATEST moment… becomes our GREAT Moment… in Rock History!

[ image pixellates to exterior stoop of Carole King’s apartment ]

[ the door opens, as Carole and a male friend step outside ]

Henry: Please, Carole! I think I should stay the night, I — I gotta TALK to somebody, I feel so — so — confused and depressed!

Carole King: Listen, Henry — you know, I know how you feel, honey, I really do. It’s just that I’m on a roll, I’m 90% finished with this song!

Henry: Carole. I know you’ve always been there for me. Tonight, I don’t know what — I just feel depressed. I don’t know what I’m gonna do! [ he breaks into tears ]

Carole King: [ consoling him ] Hey, listen — I know. I’ve been there before. But, listen, I want you to go home and phone me when you get there. You promise me you’ll do that, because I’m worried about you. Will you do that?

Henry: [ nodding ] Okay.

Carole King: Okay.

[ she kisses him, then promptly shuts the door into his dejected face ]

[ Henry slowly walks down the steps of the stoop, as Carole appears at the piano in the bay window and begins to play and sing ]

Carole King: [ singing ]
“When you’re down and troubled
And you need someone to care
And nothing, nothing’s going right…”

[ as Henry reaches the sidewalk, a Mugger rises from behind the stoop and holds a switchblade to Henry’s face ]

Mugger: Okaaayyy, honkie, give me your cash!

Henry: [ smiling ] You can’t get away with this! [ he points toward the window ] I’ve got a friend in there — all I have to do is call! Listen — you can hear her sing!

Mugger: Uh, yeah, yeah — I hear, man.

Henry: See! I’ll just call her!

Mugger: Yeah, I’m shakin’, man.

[ the Mugger stabs Henry in the chest with his switchblade, then grabs his wallet from his back pocket and walks away ]

Carole King: [ singing ]
“You just call out my name…”

Henry: [ bleeding profusely ] CAROLE!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“And you know whereever I am…”

Henry: PLEASE, CAROLE!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“I’ll come running…”

Henry: HURRY, CAROLE!!! RUN!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“…to see you again…”

Henry: CAROLE, CALL AN AMBULANCE!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“Winter, spring, summer, or fall…”

Henry: NOW, CAROLE!! NOW!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“All you gotta do is call…”

Henry: CAR-OLLLLLE!!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“And I’ll be there…”

Henry: I’M ALMOST DEAD, CAROLE!!! HELP ME, CAROLE!!!

[ Carole stands up and walks over to the open window ]

Henry: OH, CAROLE!! THANK YOU!!

[ Carole slams the window shut ]

Henry: CARO-O-O-OLLLLE!!!

Carole King: [ continues singing ]
“Don’t you know, that you’ve got a friend.”

Henry: CAROLE, I NEED YOU!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“People can be so cold.They’ll hurt you…”

Henry: I’VE BEEN HU-U-URT!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“…and desert you.”

Henry: I’VE BEEN SERIOUSLY HURT!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“And they’ll take your soul if you let them.”

Henry: I THINK HE PUNCTURED MY KIDNEY IN HERE!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“Oh, but don’t you let them…”

Henry: I’M DYING NOW, CAROLE!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“You just call out my name…”

Henry: CAROLE KI-I-I-INNNGGG!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“…and you know wherever I am.”

Henry: WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU, CAROLE?!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“I’ll come running…”

Henry: CAROLE!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“…to see you again.”

Henry: CAROLE..!!”

Carole King: [ singing ]
“Oh… Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall…”

Henry: [ whispery ] Carole…

Carole King: [ singing ]
“All you’ve got to do is call.”

Henry: CAROLLLLE!!!!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“And I’ll be there, yes I will.
You’ve got a friend.”

[ Henry’s eyes glaze over and he dies ]

Carole King: [ singing ]
“Ain’t it good to know, you’ve got a friend.”

[ the song complete, Caroel stands and turns out the lights ]

[ screen pixellates back to Don Kirschner ]

Don Kirschner: Carole King’s friend, Henry Adelman, died on arrival… at Lennox Hill Hospital… but he did not die in vain… for his death provided Carole with the inspiration… for another million-selling monster hit… “It’s Too Late, Baby”! See you next week… for another “Great Moment in Rock History.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

… Jane Curtin
… Bill Murray
Father Guido Sarducci … Don Novello

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update with theWeekend Update news team. Here are anchorpersons BillMurray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening. I’m Jane Curtin.Here now the news. Our top story tonight:

Well, the results are in from the Democratic countycaucus straw vote in Florida where Carter comfortablycarried sixty-six out of sixty-seven counties. The onehe almost lost was Dade County where his mother wasactively campaigning. … The politically sharp Mr.Carter said he was pleased with his victory andimmediately appointed his mother ambassador toZimbabwe, Rhodesia until the 1980 elections areover.

In Washington, President Carter has announced that hewill continue to use town meetings as a forum forreaching the people. A member of the president’s staffsaid that the next such meeting will probably takeplace in the small Massachusetts town ofChappaquiddick. …

Bill?

Bill Murray: New York mayor Ed Koch announcedthis week that city radio station WNYC would startbroadcasting the names of men arrested withprostitutes in an effort to frighten potentialpatrons. The prostitutes themselves will have theirnames listed in the newspapers along with their phonenumbers and prices. …

Cuban president Fidel Castro brought live chickens andlobsters with him on his trip to New York as asecurity precaution against poisoned American food.These animals will taste each of Castro’s meals forhim to make sure that they’re safe to eat. …[applause]

Jane?

Jane Curtin: Yesterday, Vermont governorRichard Snelling launched a nationwide effort to draftformer president Gerald R. Ford as a candidate for the1980 Republican presidential nomination saying, “Ifthe nation is offered Gerald Ford, it will chooseGerald Ford.” Mr. Ford reportedly replied, “I’ll haveto wait and see which nation I’m being offered to. …I hope it’s Guatemala — it’s Betty’s home town.”…

Bill?

Bill Murray: [not paying attention, headbobbing, eyes closed, singing to himself] “Sixteenounces and just one calorie …”

Jane Curtin: Bill?

Bill Murray: [quickly recovers] Shouting jibes andchattering incessantly, thousands of pet parakeetsstormed New York’s Chrysler building demanding smallelectric cars to drive in their cages. …Unfortunately, they stormed the wrong floor and endedup highly embarrassed. Ha! …

The General Motors corporation announced today that itwill be recalling a number of Buicks and Oldsmobilesin response to numerous complaints by their owners. AGM spokesman said today that all 1937 Buicks and 1930Oldsmobiles will be recalled to investigate reportsthat the upholstery in both these vehicles is now oldand musty-smelling. …

A Federal Trade Commission judge ruled yesterday thatthere was no evidence that Bufferin worked faster thanaspirin or that Excedrin was a better pain relieverthan aspirin and ordered the maker, the Bristol-Myerscompany, to stop making false advertising claims. TheBristol-Myers spokesperson could not be reached forcomment, reportedly having stayed home with a Quaaludeheadache. …

Jane, just what do you take for a headache?

Jane Curtin: Midol. [chuckles] …

Anniversary wishes are in order for Mr. and Mrs. JamesEarl Ray who were married exactly one year ago today.The convicted slayer of Martin Luther King, Jr. isserving a life sentence in Brushy MountainPenitentiary where he has been denied conjugal visitswith his wife Anna. To celebrate their paperanniversary, the frustrated couple exchanged homemadescratch-and-sniff greeting cards. … [quite a fewgroans from the crowd]

Scientists at Los Alamos, New Mexico said this weekthat tests neither prove nor disprove that thecontroversial Shroud of Turin is actually the twothousand year old burial cloth of Jesus Christ.Nevertheless, fashion industry sources report theimminent merchandising of a new designer line, GloriaVanderbilt Shrouds by Murjani, to come out in theSpring.

Bill Murray: Father Guido Sarducci was amongthe two hundred and forty traveling press people whocovered the Pope’s United States tour. I bet it wasquite a thrill. How did it go, Father?

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to the gentle,cigarette smoking, Italian-accented Father GuidoSarducci, gossip columnist for the Vaticannewspaper.]

Father Guido Sarducci: It was. It was a realthrill, Bill. It was just terrific. But now I’m alittle down. I have what my psychiatrist calls”post-papal depression.” … Was such a high, youknow, bein’ on that tour and now it’s over. Only thingI didn’t like about the tour was the merchandising.They had, like, Pope T-shirts, Pope buttons, posters,banners, anything you can think of. You know, you cancall me anti-materialistic if you want to but I justdon’t think it’s right for somebody to make a T-shirt,put a person’s picture on it, and then not to givethat person part of the percentage of the profits. …I mean, look at this. It’s amazing. [holds up a PopeT-shirt] If you buy T-shirt like this, it’s not justfor the T-shirt you buy it — it’s because the Pope ison it. If you just want a T-shirt, you can go to J. C.Penney’s ‘stead of going through all the traffic andcrowds. But the Pope, from this T-shirt, I’ll tell youwhat he got. He got absolutely zero. It was a rip-off.First, they did it to Mr. Bill, now the Pope. …[applause]

And it was – it was the same thing with his recordalbum. He was in Poland couple of months ago and hewas just singin’ some songs with these Polishstudents. Somebody must’ve had a cassette taperecorder. First thing, there’s albums out all overEurope and now even in the United States. This is it.[holds up an album ] They said this has shipped doubleplatinum. … That’s a lot of albums. And the Popegets absolutely no percentage, no royalties from thiswhatsoever. And, you know, I hate to plug this album’cause, you know, it bein’ so bad to him, but thetruth is, it’s a pretty good album. … The mancan sing, he really can. … I mean, he’s noSmokey Robinson but … if you like Polish folk songs,this is the album for you. … [applause]

A lot of the Popes have made albums but none of ’emsold very well. Pope Paul VI, he had three albums out.The best seller — but it was not hardly good sellerat all, I don’t think it even made the charts — iswhat they call his “White Album” [holds up an albumresembling the Beatles’ White Album] … Came out inthe early seventies. And it had a really nice posterinside of him. [pulls a glossy photo of the Pope outof the album] … This one’s kind of soiled ’cause Ihad it pinned up on my refrigerator for years. … Butmy favorite Pope Paul VI album was his second album.Was called “The Second Collection.” [holds up anotheralbum with a colorful image of the Pope on the cover]Well, this was the first Pope album that featuredmodern graphics. It’s kind of psychedelic. … I likeit. He looks– Kind of smiling there — looks prettygood. … My favorite Pope album of all, though, wasmade in 1955 by Pius XII. Kind of what you call an”oldie” nowadays. You know, Pius XII has gotten a lotof bad press. They say he was aristocratic. He thoughthe was better than everybody else. But, say what youwant about him, the man made a very, very good album.Was called, “Here’s Looking Down at You” [holds upanother album with photo of seated Pope wavingdownward to people below] … It just never got thepush that it should have but I hope now that there’smore interest in Popes, they might reissue this one.

It’s amazing to me all the interest in the Pope lastcouple weeks. I think it’s because of John Paul’svisit, personally, but, you know, whatever the reason,people are buyin’ these posters that show all of thePopes and people want to know what their names are,what their real names are, when they was livin’, whenthey died, all that stuff. And, going along with thisPapal mania, I’ve kind of designed a contest about thePopes. [holds up a large photo showing a close-up ofthe surface of a pizza] It’s called “Find the Popes inthe Pizza” … All two hundred and fifty-four Popes,they’re in here. … And, what we’re gonna do in aboutone minute, we’re gonna put a close-up of this on yourscreen and, you at home, all you have to do is getsome, like, wax paper, any kind of paper you can seethrough and paste it to your screen — or tape it,whatever you want — and all you gotta do is get apencil and draw a circle around every place you see apicture of a Pope. And, while we’re doing this–

Well, I think what I’m gonna do for the prize, whoeverwins — you know, finds the most Popes — they’ll getto have a button that I designed myself. I noticed onthe tour, the best selling button was this. [holds upbutton] It says, “I Got a Peek at the Pope” … And Idesigned a button that I think even more people canrelate to. [holds up another button] It says, “I sawthe Pope on TV” … This is what you win. And now, Ithink, we’re about ready. So while you’re looking atthe pizza for thirty seconds, I’m gonna play a cutfrom Pius XII’s album. … Here is Pius XII singing”On the Sunny Side of the Street” … And now find thePope in the pizza. Good luck to you. All two hundredand fifty-four.

[A jazz recording of the old pop song “On the SunnySide of the Street” plays as we dissolve to close-upof the pizza: mostly a red mass of tomato sauce, butalso cheese and one rather large image of a Popesitting behind a desk in the lower right hand corner.The other Popes are invisible to the naked eye. Aclock ticks off thirty seconds in the upper left handcorner as Father Sarducci’s voice chimes in withoccasional helpful hints.]

Some are easy to find, some are hard. … Here’s alittle clue for you. Most of the Popes have red faces…. Here’s another clue. One of them is in the rightside of the screen. … Behind the desk.

[Time runs out, the song ends, and we return to FatherSarducci at the desk.]

Well, I hope that you got quite a few of them. Now,all you have to do is take the paper off, fold it up,put in an envelope, and address it to [holds up anenvelope] “Find the Popes in the Pizza Contest” … 30Rockefeller Plaza New York, New York 10020 ZIP. And Isuggest that up here you put your return address. Andthe reason for that is when you go to the mailbox,just before you put it into the slot, you look hereand it reminds you of where you should go back to. …Well, it was more than wonderful. Arrivederci,America!

Bill Murray: That’s the news. Good night andhave a pleasant tomorrow.

[Applause. Father Sarducci invites Bill Murray to lookfor a Pope in the pizza and Bill happily plays alongand points one out as we go to commercial.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

The Vandals

Centurion…..Steve Martin
Lieutenant…..Tom Davis
Captain…..Garrett Morris
Pizza Delivery Woman…..Gilda Radner
Guard…..Peter Aykroyd
Juvenile Delinquent Vandal…..Al Franken
Mr. Gundrick…..Bill Murray
Mrs. Gundrick…..Jane Curtin

Announcer: [ over scrolling SUPER ] “Among the barbarian hordes who sacked and pillaged their way across Europe during the waning years of the Roman Empire, no tribe was more notorious than The Vandals, a Germanic people driven westward by Celtic expansion during the Fourth Century A.D. The Vandals established a Kingdom in Gaul, where they quickly became the most feared tribe in the known world – that is, the world as it was known at that time. In saying this, we do not mean to take anything away from the Visigoths, Lumbards, Huns, Francs or Ostragoths. These nomadic groups were certainly terrifying in their own way. But the Vandals.. were unbelievable.”

[ dissolve to a Roman encampment covered with toilet paper ]

[ SUPER: “A Roman Encampment – Somewhere Near The River Elbe – A.D. 419” ]

[ a pair of juvenile Vandals run into the scene, ??? ]

Vandals: Centurion! Centurion! [ they run ]

[ Centurion exits his tent ]

Centurion: Hello! What’s going on out here, who is it? [ looks down to discover the fire in front of his tent ] Oh, no! [ stomps the fire out with his foot, squirting excrement across the grass ] Ohhhhhh! Oh, no! Now, who would do a thing like that?! Guard! [ Guard steps forward ] Give me your sword! [ takes Guard’s sword and scrapes the excrement off the bottom of his sandal ] These are my new sandals! Awww! Guard! Who’s responsible for this?!

Lieutenant: Apparently, we were attacked during the night, sir.

Centurion: Attacked? By whom?

Lieutenant: [ confused ] The Vandals, sir.

Centurion: Vandals, Lieutenant?

Lieutenant: Yes, sir. A Germanic people driven westward by Celtic expansion in the Fourth Century A.D. The Vandals established a Kingdom in Gaul-

Centurion: Don’t give me any of your fancy military school nonsense! I know you graduated cum laude! Now, I want a full report of the damage!

Lieutenant: Well, sir.. we have a score of badly-soiled sandals.. the tires on your chariot were slashed.. and it appears the entire camp has been TPed, sir.

Centurion: TPed?

Lieutenant: Covered with toilet paper, sir.

Centurion: Is that.. dangerous?

Lieutenant: Well.. if it rains..

[ Captain comes running in, covered with eggs ]

Captain: Centurion! Centurion!

Centurion: Captain! What happened?

Captain: We were in pursuit of the Vandals, sir! We were egged!

Centurion: Egged?

Captain: Yes!

Lieutenant: Pelted with rotten eggs, sir.

Captain: Every last man! I’m afraid Marcus caught one right in the face. He never saw it coming!

Lieutenant: [ chuckling ] Of all the men, it would be Marcus!

Centurion: That’s not funny, Lieutenant! He could have put someone’s eye out!

Captain: Uh.. request permission to change armor, sir!

Centurion: By all means, Captain, you’re stinknig up the whole camp!

Captain: With all due respect, sir, your sandals take the cake! [ exits scene ]

Centurion: What a mess! Look at this! Now, who would do something like this?! I mean, I don’t understand it! What possible pleasure could someone derive from this?!

Lieutenant: They think it’s funny, sir?

Centurion: Funny?! Destroying property and endangering human life is funny?!

Lieutenant: Evidently, they think so.

Centurion: Tell me, Lieutenant – how is it you know so much about these Vandals?

Lieutenant: Several years ago, sir.. we rented our beach house in Capri to some Vandals. Some weeks later, when we returned, the house was a complete shambles. We still can’t use the atrium. It’s terrible..

Centurion: Well, that’s just sick! I guess this is just another example of the decline of the Roman Empire!

Lieutenant: A sign of the times, sir.. it makes one sad when-

[ Pizza Delivery Woman clambors forward ]

Pizza Delivery Woman: Pizza delivery!

Centurion: [ more confused ] What-at?! I ordered no pizza! Did you, Lieutenant?

Lieutenant: No, sir.

Pizza Delivery Woman: Well, who is, uh.. [ reading order slip ] “Centurion Likus Flavus”

Centurion: I am he.

Pizza Delivery Woman: Well, according to this, you ordered three anchovy pizzas.

Centurion: But! This cannot be! I ordered no pizza!

Pizza Delivery Woman: Well, someone has to pay for it! I walked ten miles with these, and I’m not leaving here until I’m paid!

Centurion: Ohhhh.. very well.. [ relunctanlt takes out his money ] ..but it does not seem fair! How could such a thing have happened?!

[ Pizza Delivery Woman takes the money and exits the scene ]

Lieutenant: Sir, I have a theory. Perhaps this is the work of the Vandals.

Centurion: But why would they do such a thing?

Lieutenant: To vex us, sir.

Centurion: Then, they shall not succeed! We shall hunt them down, and force them to pay for these pizzas!

[ Guard enters scene with the Juvenile Vandal clutched to a cross ]

Guard: Centurion! Centurion, we’ve captured one of the Vandals! He and his friends were throwing a dead cat into the aquaduct!

Centurion: Now we’ll get around to the bottom of this! You’re in a great deal of trouble, young man! What’s your name?

Juvenile Vandal: [ nonchalantly ] Augustus Caeser!

Centurion: [ twists the young boy’d ear ] Don’t get smart with me! What’s your name?!

Juvenile Vandal: [ relunctantly ] Brad Gundrick. But you can’t call my parents, because they aren’t home!

Guard: He’s lying, sir! We’ve summoned his parents, they should be here at any moment!

[ Mr. And Mrs. Gundrick enter the scene, devestated at their surroundings ]

Mr. Gundrick: Where is he? He’s humiliated me for the last time! Alright, mister.. I’ve had it with you! [ twists his son’s ear ] Where did you ever learn to pull stunts.. like.. that?!

Juvenile Vandal: [ bored ] I dunno..

Mrs. Gundrick: Ohhh..

Mr. Gundrick: Careful, honey..

Mrs. Gundrick: Brad.. Brad, look at me.. [ Brad turns away ] Look at me! Brad, why do you do this? Do you do this to hurt us?

Juvenile Vandal: I dunno..

Mrs. Gundrick: We’ve given you everything! You wanted the spiked sword, we gave you the spiked sword.. you wanted the slave girl, we gave you the slave girl.. Is this how you thank us?

Juvenile Vandal: I dunno..

Centurion: Answer your mother when she talks to you!

Mr. Gundrick: I’ll tell you one thing: you can forget that trip to Spain, because you’re ground-ed, you fellow!

Juvenile Vandal: I wasn’t doing anything everybody else wasn’t doin’!!

Mrs. Gundrick: I suppose if everyone jumped off a cliff, you’d do that, too?

Juvenile Vandal: I dunno..

Centurion: We appreciate your coming down, Mr. and Mrs. Gundrick. We will consider this your son’s first offense. But there is still the little matter of some damages. I paid for pizzas even though I ordered no pizzas!

Mr. Gundrick: Well, I think this is coming out of someone’s allowance.

Mrs. Gundrick: Thank you, Centurion. I’m sorry our son had to be involved in this. And I’d like to say it’s reassuring to find a Roman magistrate who understands problems children face growing up in nomadic hordes.. changing schools all the time..

Mr. Gundrick: Alright, dear.. let’s not take up any more of the Centurion’s valuable time. Thank you, sir.

Mrs. Gundrick: Thank you. [ to Brad ] Isn’t there something you’ve forgotten to say, Brad?

Juvenile Vandal: [ unwillingly ] I’m sor-ry..

Centurion: I don’t ever want to see you back here again, young man.

Mr. Gundrick: Goodbye, Centurion.

Centurion: [ as the Gundricks depart from the scene ] You are very lucky to have parents like those, Brad. you listen to them! They’re good parents! [ with the Gundricks now out of sight, Centurion turns to his Lieutenant ] Lieutenant.. have the three of them put to death. And cut off their heads and put them on some poles out in front of the camp.

Lieutenant: Right, sir.

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “It was easy to kill a few Vandals, but not so easy to kill.. an idea. Throughout the course of Western History, vandalism has remained a major force in civilization. And so long as man erects monuments, with imagination and ingenuity.. there will be those who spray-paint them, and knock them over.”

[ camera zooms out on the studio ]

[ SUPER: “Coming up Next: “Kissinger-Frost Stoop Tag Playoffs” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

What The Hell Is That?

Tourist #1…..Steve Martin
Tourist #2…..Bill Murray

[ Tourist #1 wanders onto set, looks straight into camera inquisitively with a dumb look on his face ]

Tourist #1: What the hell is that?! [ squints ] What the hell is that? [ chuckling at himself ] What’s that danged thing doing here! How did that get here? What the hell is that?! [ squints ] What the hell is that?! How’d that dang deal get here?! [ turns off-camera ] Hey! Come on over here and look at this deal!

[ Tourist #2 wanders onto the set to take a bewildered look ]

Tourist #2: What the hell is that?

Tourist #1: I don’t know what the hell that is!

Tourist #2: What in the hell is that?!

Tourist #1: Hey, you kids! Get away from there!

Tourist #2: I would not mess with that thing..

Tourist #1: Don’t put your lips on it!

Tourist #2: [ ever curious ] What the hell is this?

Tourist #1: Well.. get a photo of me with it, anyway!

[ Tourist #1 hands camera to Tourist #2, then walks away from camera view to have his picture taken ]

Tourist #2: Be careful with that thing. [ snaps Tourist #1’s picture, as spark of ingenuity develops on his face ] Oh, I know what that is!

Tourist #1: [ returns next to Tourist #2 ] Well, what the hell is it?!

Tourist #2: [ looks closer ] What is that thing..?

Tourist #1: I don’t even care what it is. [ pause ] What the hell is that?!

Tourist #2: I don’t know what the hell that thing is.

Tourist #1: Oh, I know what it is!

Tourist #2: [ seeing it ] Oh, yeah.. oh yeah.. [ chuckles ]

[ Tourist #1 & #2 walk away from the stage. A beat, before their heads peer back into frame, more inquisitive than ever. ]

Tourist #1: What the hell was that?!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts