Category: 1979

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 5

79e: Bea Arthur / The Roches

Backer’s Audition

Bea…..Bea Arthur
Teddy Naddler…..Harry Shearer
Andrew Mazelle…..Paul Shaffer
Danny Dare…..Bill MurrayMargie Pantelle…..Gilda RadnerGreg Dobson…..Garrett MorrisGuests…..Anne Beatts, Andy Murphy, Alan Zweibel

[ open on semi-fancy party in a penthouse apartment ]

Bea: Well… I really think we can’t wait any longer. [ ] I’d like to thank you all for coming up to my apartment, to hear what I think may be the next major rock musical of the American theater! [ the crowd claps ] And on behalf of the New York Advanced Theater Foundation, I’d like to welcome you all as potential investors of the show. We have supported these two young, briliantly-talented men for the past six months, and now we’re all very hopeful about this… their latest show. Ehich is called — with the simplicity of great art — “Two Men”. Please welcome the NEXT geniuses of the American rock theater — Teddy Naddler and Andrew Mazelle!

[ the two men emerge from the room, kiss Bea on the cheek, then take their positions standing behind the piano ]

Teddy Naddler: Thank you so much. “Two Men”, as the title implies, is the story of two men. But it’s much more.

Andrew Mazelle: Yes! It’s as a story as old as the rock musical form itself — the story of good vs. evil.

Teddy Naddler: Our two men actually lived. And it’s from them we draw inspiration. One was Jay Seabring — at the time, the best known hair stylist in Hollywood. The other… was Charles Manson. Enough said.

Andrew Mazelle: [ pointing to a trio seated off to the side ] Now, we have invited these three extremely talented kids to help us tonight: Danny Dare —

Teddy Naddler: Over on the end.

Andrew Mazelle: Kind enough to take the night off from his duties as Robert Klein’s understudy in “They’re Playing Our Song”.

Teddy Naddler: Margie Pantell has been working downtown at the Women’s Commercial Theater Collective.

Andrew Mazelle: And Mr. Greg Dobson is rehearsing for a Broadway revival of the all-Black version of “Low Doll”. Of course, in the actual cast we’re hoping for all big names.

Teddy Naddler: Our Narrator is kind of an everyman. He sings the story of the show. He narrates the story in song. He’s another character based on a person who is actually living — Mel Torme. [ Andrew starts playing the piano ] He’s onstage in limbo. He sings the opening song — “The Ballad of Two Men”.

Andrew Mazelle: [ singing ]
“Charlie’s hot; Was evil, dear.
Like Knievel, dear.
Deeply.

Hey, but Jay; He loved to beautify.
Though eye-to-eye
They’d never see.
No!

Two men. Two men.
One did hair in Hollywood.
Two-oo-oo men. Two-oo-oo-oo-oo men.
But one… was up… to no good.”

[ the room applauds ]

Bea: Now tell me, though — does this mean that we would have to get Mel Torme for the show?

Andrew Mazelle: Uhhh, well — it’s not so much Mel Torme the performer. We’re talking, more, Mel Torme the idea.

Bea: Ah!

Teddy Naddler: Mel walks offstage — we’re in Jay’s salon. This is where most of the action of the show takes place. It’s Hollywood’s most IN salon — all the celebrities have their hair done there. There are plants hanging… and, in the middle of the room, there’s a HUGE SINK! If you saw the, uh, big toilet in “Lenny” — it’s at LEAST that big.

Andrew Mazelle: Yeah. Uh, it’s about eight o’clock at night… and the last celebrity has left the salon. Jay is alone at the sink.

Teddy Naddler: He’s getting ready for the big party — he’s getting dressed and, in an ironic touch here, he’s fixing his own hair. And he sings a song about he emotional turmoil he’s going through… called “Burglar of Love”.

[ Danny Dare steps forward and rest on the edge of the piano ]

Danny Dare: [ singing ]
“What is this passion that binds me
That keeps all my lovers behind me
When was it, push came to shooooove!
Made me a burglar… of loooooove!!

Why can’t I fall in love, like any other man?
Where do I go
to find out who I really am?

When will this strange torment cease?
Why can’t I burgle in peeeeeace?
Why must you call the poliiiiiiice?

I’m just a burg-l-er!
Don’t let me be, just a burg-l-er!
I’m just a burg-l-er… of love!”

[ the room applauds wildly ]

Bea: Excuse me just a moment, fellas?

Teddy Naddler: Yes?

Bea: Is “burgle” a real word?

[ Teddy and Andrew shrug ]

Andrew Mazelle: We’re not sure about that.

Teddy Naddler: We’ll look it up! We’ll look it up. [ Bea returns to her seat ] Okay! Now we go a little experimental here. Judy Garland’s daughter — Lorna Luft — meets and falls in love with Jay. Uh, through a series of sliding partitions, rotating stage platforms, probably some lasers — we’re now in Jay’s apartment.

Andrew Mazelle: Now, remember — we NEVER lose… the big sink in the background. That’s always there. That’s always there.

Teddy Naddler: Okay, Lorna wants to settle down, have a meaningful relationship — Jay wants to succeed in Hollywood. They sing a duet called “You Don’t Stay Home/I Want to Go Out”.

[ Danny and Markie Pantell step up to the piano together ]

Margie Pantell: [ singing slowly ]
“You don’t stay home!
Come what may, home!
Hip hooray, home.
Where I’ll be.”

Danny Dare: [ singing up-tempo ]
“I want to go out, where all the lights are bright!
I want to go OUT! And do my thing tonight!
I need to party, with people I dig!
IMPORTANT people! I’ve gotta think big!
Got to go disco! Got to go disco!
Bye bye!

I want to go out! Where all the lights are bright!”

Margie Pantell: [ singing ]
“You donnnn’t staaayyy hoooome!”

Danny Dare: [ singing ]
“I want to go out! And do my thing tonight!”

Margie Pantell: [ singing ]
“Coooome whaaaaat maaaayyyy hooooome!”

Danny Dare: [ singing ]
“I need to party, with people I dig!”

Margie Pantell: [ singing ]
“Hiiiiip hoooooraaaayyyy hooooome!”

Danny Dare: [ singing ]
“Important people! I’ve gotta think big!”

Margie Pantell: [ singing ]
“Wherrrrrre I’llllll beeeee!”

Danny Dare: [ singing ]
“Got to go disco! Got to go disco!
Bye bye!”

Margie Pantell: [ singing ]
“Stay home!”

[ the room applauds, as Bea steps forward ]

Bea: Uh, fellas, if you don’t mind my asking. But, just to clarify for everybody…

Teddy Naddler: We should just make it clear — Jay GOES to the party… Lorna stays home.

Bea: Yes. But the question I wanted: I presume that he or we are not talking about the real Lorna Luft?

Teddy Naddler: Well! Well! It’d be GREAT if we could get her, but… the basic, uh, point here is just the idea of somebody who’s Liza’s sister.

Bea: Ah.

[ Bea sits ]

Teddy Naddler: Okay. All of a sudden, in limbo, we meet Charlie and his girls in the desert.

Andrew Mazelle: Alright, listen — they have just spent a week listening to The Beatles’ White Album — about 150 times — and Charlie has realized that there is a secret message for him in the song “Revolution #9”. This is all true, by the way. It’s all coming from the Odyysey.

Teddy Naddler: Yeah. Now, Charlie sings this song… “Nine”. It’s kind of a special little story attached to it, because it’s written in 9/4 time. You may remember we used that in “Tommy on Ice”. It’s a song called “Nine”.

Andrew Mazelle: 9/4 time.

[ Greg Dobson steps up and leans against the piano ]

Greg Dobson: [ singing ]
“How many fingers would you have if you lost one? Nine!
How many players are on a baseball team? Nine!
This number nine! Is coming your way!
And it’s not gonna be good.

Negroes will riot!
White people will riot!
Everybody will riot!!
Number Nine!!
Number Nine!!
Number Niiiiiine!!”

[ he crouches down but holds up nine fingers ]

[ there’s no response from the room ]

Teddy Naddler: The stage goes black.

[ the room applauds ]

Teddy Naddler: We’re at the party. But Jay — there’s a lot of lights and lasers.

Andrew Mazelle: Suddenly, the lights go out, the music stops, and a single spotlight focuses on Jay… meeting Charlie. Jay says:

Danny Dare: Hi.

Teddy Naddler: Charlie says:

Greg Dobson: Nice… to meet you.

Andrew Mazelle: Entire stage… goes black! He don’t see ANYHING! You just hear… Mel Torme singing a reprise of “Two Men” — this time, with lyrics that cover the whole “Helter Skelter” thing.

Teddy Naddler: See, this is how we get around that [ he makes finger quotes ] “bad taste” question. Uh — Jay passes on, Evil seems to have won out over Good.

Andrew Mazelle: And the next thing we see is the sink… on a deserted stage. Lorna, dressed in black, goes to the sink… and sings… this song.

[ Margie steps up once again ]

Margie Pantell: [ singing ]
There’s a hole… in my heart… where a man was.
Excuse me for living, but I care.
I got no one beside me
to love and to guide me
And who’s, gonna do, my hair?
I can’t go on, now that he’s gone!
Hey! What’s happening… with the sink?”

Teddy Naddler: At this point, the sink is bathed in a brilliant white light! Jay rises up out of the sink — REBORN! Good triumphs over Evil! And Jay joins Lorna for the finale, with a counter obligato from… Mel Torme.

[ Danny joins Margie at the piano ]

Danny Dare: [ singing ]
“There’s a maaaan in your heart
where the hole was.
I’m back with the living, and not deeeeeead.”

Margie Pantell: [ singing ]
“Now I’ve got you beside meVto love and to guide me!”

[ in the background, Teddy moves his lips silently to the lyrics ]

Danny Dare: [ singing ]
“And I’ll always dooooo…”

Margie Pantell: [ singing ]
“Yes, you’ll always dooooo…”

[ Margie removes her cap and lets her long, luxurious hair flow down ]

Together: “Yes, I’ll/you’ll always doooooo… your/my haaaaaaiiiiirrrrr!!”

[ the room applauds wildly ]

Bea: Wonderful! Wonderful! I LOVE when you keyed in on the word “hair” at the end!

Teddy Naddler: Yeah.

Bea: Well, God willing, we have another “Hair” on our hands! [ to her guests ] I’m sure you all share my feelings that this going to be THE major theatrical hit of the Eighties!

[ Teddy crosses his fingers ]

Bea: So why don’t we get out our checkbooks, and we’ll talk about it over cake, okay?

Andrew Mazelle: FABULOUS idea!

Teddy Naddler: Yeah!

Andrew Mazelle: Thanks! Thanks!

[ Bea kisses the boys on the cheek, as the guests surround them ]

[ pull back, with SUPER: “coming up next… Bowling For Glory” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 5

79e: Bea Arthur / The Roches

Drop Out

Mom…..Jane Curtin
Dad…..Bill Murray
Tommy…..Tom Davis
General…..Harry Shearer
Soldier…..Al Franken
Other Soldiers…..Peter Aykroyd, Jim Downey, Matt Neuman, Max Pross

[ open on suburban kitchen at breakfast time, as high-pitched siren sounds in the background ]

Mom: Honey, do you want some more coffee?

Dad: I’m sorry. I can’t hear you, honey.

[ the siren mutes ]

Mom: Do you want some more coffee, sweetheart?

Dad: Uh — no. I gotta get going, I’m late.

Mom: Oh.

Dad: where’s Tommy? He’s gonna be late for school and not have time for breakfast.

Mom: You know that I had to stick my head in his door TWICE just to get him up this morning!

[ Tommy stumbles into the kitchen and sits ]

Dad: Well… cock-a-doodle-doo, Rip Van Winkle!

Mom: Here’s your orange juice.

Dad: I see they’ve, uh, changed the school dress code, huh?

Tommy: I don’t think I feel like going to school today!

Mom: What’s the matter, Tommy, are you sick? [ she feels his forehead ] You don’t feel like you have a fever.

Tommy: No, I’m okay. I just don’t feel like going to school!

Dad: Well, that’s great! What would you think if your mother and I had the same attitude? [ to his wife ] Honey, I don’t feel like going to work! Is that okay?

Mom: Tommy, go upstairs and get dressed.

Dad: No, no! He’s got a great idea! Let’s all be like Tommy today and see what happens! Would you like that, fella?

Tommy: That’s fine with me.

Mom: Now, would you two please stop arguing?

Dad: We’re not arguing! We’re in total agreement! [ to Tommy ] Aren’t we, Mr. Rock Star? Huh? We’re just gonna stay home today and let EVERYTHING go to HELL! Huh?

Mom: [ looking behind her ] Uh-oh! Tommy’s waffles are gonna burn!

Dad: Hey! Let ’em BURN! Why should YOU care if your son has a DECENT BREAKFAST?!

Mom: Now, Don… don’t be ridiculous.

Tommy: It’s fine with me.

Dad: [ throwing his newspaper down ] If Tommoy’s taking the day off, you might as well take it off, too. [ to Tommy ] Isn’t that nice? We ALL have a day off today! Isn’t that GREAT! Well, I’d better call the President of the McDonnell-Douglas Corporation… and tell him that we can’t have that meeting we were supposed to have today!! [ he dials the phone ]

Mom: Honey, are you serious?!

Dad: I have NEVER been so SERIOUS in my LIFE!! [ into the phone ] This is Don Clifford, I want to speak to President McDonnell! [ pause ] Hello, Doug; it’s Don! Listen: I’m not coming in for our meeting… because my son, TOMMY, has announced that he ddin’t feel like going to school today, so we’re ALL gonna adopt his attitude, and I suggest you do the same! Yeah! That’s right! He’s not going! Right! Well, let’s all do it and see what happens! Okay! Bye, Doug! [ he hangs up and approaches Tommy ] Well, the PRESIDENT… of the McDonnell-Douglas Corporation has CANCELLED all his meetings and is going home! What do you think about that, BIG SHOT?!

Tommy: It’s fine with me.

[ dissolve to newspaper headline: “NO NEWSPAPER TODAY, EVERYBODY GOES HOME” ]

[ dissolve to operators plugging in lines ]

[ dissolve to exterior, The Pentagon ]

[ dissolve to General, on the phone ]

General: Oh, really? Great! I’ll just forget about it, and go home myself! We might as well ALL shirk our responsibilities! [ he hangs up his red phone and exits ]

[ dissolve to world map, as arrows descend from USSR and onto America ]

[ dissolve to the suburban kitchen, as Communists soldiers infiltrate the perimeter and take the family hostage ]

Dad: Russian soldiers! Great! Russian soldiers! Well, son! Perhaps you learned a little something today?!

Tommy: [ crying ] You were right! I’m sorry!

Mom: Oh, for God’s sake! A lot of good sorry’s gonna do us now!

[ as the family is dragged outside, one lone soldier reaches down to eat Tommy’s waffles ]

[ dissolve to wide shot of set, with SUPER: “coming up next: Flame-Retardant American Flags” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 5

79e: Bea Arthur / The Roches

First He Cries

Written by: Al Franken & Tom Davis

Dr. Jensen…..Bea Arthur
Irene…..Gilda Radner
Larry…..Bill Murray
Grace…..Jane Curtin
Son…..Jim Downey
Ted…..Harry Shearer
Friend…..Garrett Morris
Bambi…..Laraine Newman

[ open in Dr. Jensen’s office ]

Dr. Jensen: Mr. and Mrs. Anderson, I’m afraid that… the biopsy came out… positive.

Irene: Then, uh — you’ll have to perform a mastectomy?

Dr. Jensen: That’s right.

Larry: You mean, cut off her breast?

Dr. Jensen: I’m afraid so.

Larry: [ looking up to the heavens ] Why me..? GOD!! Why ME..?!

[ title appears over freeze-frame ]

Announcer: “First He Cries”. [ over SCROLL ] “The following docu-drama deals with a senstive social issue: mastectomy and its psychological effects on the men who must endure the anguish of living with “half a woman”.

[ dissolve to room at Mercy Hospital ]

Irene: So — [ laughing ] before I went under, I said to Dr. Jensen: “Will I stillbe able to play the violin?” And she said to me, “Well, of course you will!” And I said, “That’s funny — I never could play before!”

[ the women laugh ]

Dr. Jensen: That’s a true story!

Grace: Boy, Irene, you’re amazing! I don’t know if I could bear it.

Irene: Ohhh, really? You could, Grace. I mean, I have no choice! [ she laughs ]

Son: Oh, Mom! You’re so wonderful!

[ reveal Larry, standing with his back to everyone and his arms crossed in self-pity ]

Larry: What about ME, huh?!! What about ME?!! I’m stuck with some kind of HIDEOUS, deformed FREAK!!

[ Larry storms out of the room ]

Son: Dad!

Dr. Jensen: No, no. Let him go… let him go. He needs to be by himself. Larry’s been through a lot. You’re all going to have to be patient with him — especially you, Irene.

Irene: Well, wait a minute now — I’m the one who lost a breast here.

Dr. Jensen: [ angered ] Oh, why don’t you come down off your high horse?! Larry’s going through HELL right now! You took away something VERY important to him!

Irene: My breast?

Dr. Jensen: Precisely! You see, breasts are very important to men — in our culture. Women with attractive breats are considered sexually attractive, and exciting. Now, some men like round breasts… some like pointed breasts… some like large breats, some like small breasts — although most men do prefer large breasts. But all men — I mean, with the exception of a very, very few — all men like their women… with two breasts.

Irene: And, to think, I’ve been feeling sorry for myself.

Son: Poor Dad.

Dr. Jensen: Well, I’m going to try to talk to him about it. In the meantime… think about what I said.

Irene: Thank you, Doctor, you’ve been wonderful.

[ Dr. Jensen exits the room ]

Grace: You know, Irene, what she said makes a lot of sense. I went in for a check-up a couple of months ago, and Bob got mad at me.

Irene: Well, that’s CRAZY!

Grace: Bob is crazy — crazy about my breasts!

[ they laugh ]

[ dissolve to Dr. Jensen’s office, as Larry enters ]

Dr. Jensen: Larry, I’m very glad you could come in and talk to me today. Irene is getting out of the hospital tomorrow. It’s going to be very difficult for you. You’re gonna have a lot of adjustments to make.

Larry: Well, I’m glad someone’s finally thinking about ME!

Dr. Jensen: Oh, come on, Larry, that’s not fair! I’ve been thinking about you all along!

Larry: Oh, yeah — I notice it’s my wife that’s getting all the medicine and all the physical therapy. What about ME?!! I’M the one who’s supposed to go out in the world and face all the cruel laughter and humiliation! People poiting at me and saying, “Oh, that’s him! He’s the guy married to Miss Uni-Boob!”

Dr. Jensen: Larry… Larry, listen — I’m not saying that it’s going to be easy. Especially at first. But, remember, Larry: Time is the great healer.

Larry: Is the Great Healer… gonna grow another breast?! VERY FUNNY, DOCTOR!!! REAL FUNNY!!! I just wish you could WALK in my shoes!!

Dr. Jensen: I wish I could, Larry… but, being a woman… there’s no way I could understand what you’re going through. I can only try to… sympathize.

Larry: I don’t WANT your sympathy!! I just want… my life the way it WAS, before — ! [ he begins to weep ]

[ dissolve to a party scene ]

[ SUPER: “A Week Later” ]

Grace: Okay, now listen, everybody, I have an announcement! Okay? Larry and Irene should be here any minute. Now, this is the first time they’ve been out since the mastectomy, so please try not to say anything that might upset them. Okay? [ the doorbell rings ] Oh, this must be them now!

Ted: Hey, everybody. Look who’s here.

[ Irene enters with Larry in tow ]

Grace: Larry! Irene! Oh, you look wonderful! It’s wonderful to see you!

Irene: Oh, thanks, Joan! It’s so great to get out!

Ted: So, Larry, my man! How you feeling?

Larry: What’s that supposed to mean?!

Ted: Irene? Would you mind if Larry and I talked alone for just a second?

Irene: Oh, sure, Ted.

Ted: Hey, Lar — I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that all the guys are snickering at you behind your back because… Irene only has one breast. Well, let me tell you something — NOTHING could be further from the truth.

Larry: Yeah, I’ll bet!

Friend: Hey, you guys? You want to go down to the rec room? There’s a football game on the BOOB tube! You know? [ Larry gives him a dirty look ] Uhhh — I think I’ll get one of those melon balls.

Ted: Listen, Larry… Larry…

[ an attractive youg woman bumps into Larry ]

Bambi: Oh! Hi!

Ted: Oh, Larry — I want you to meet my niece… Bambi.

Larry: [ impressed ] Well, hello, Bambi!

Bambi: Hi, Larry. You know, I heard what you’ve been through, and I want you to know if there’s anything I can do to help, don’t hesitate to ask me.

Larry: Well… it would be nice just to talk to someone… at a motel or something like that. Have you ever seen a Ramada Inn?

Bambi: A Ramada Inn?

Larry: Come on, let’s go.

[ they walk off together, as Irene and Grace watch ]

Grace: Are you just going to let him walk out with her?!

Irene: Well, uh… if that’s what Larry wants and needs right now, I say let him try it. It’s something he obviously needs to work out.

Grace: Irene… you’re amazing!

[ they share the laugh, as Irene looks down rejectedly ]

[ dissolve to Dr. Jensen’s office ]

[ SUPER: “Six Months Later” ]

Larry: Well… the first couple of months with Bambi were great — the sex… and I’d never been to Europe before. And, of course, the sex. But… lately, I don’t know. She’s so young. She thinks The Beatles were McCartney’s first back-up group. There’s just not much to talk to her about. There’s something missing.

Dr. Jensen: Maybe that something is… Irene.

Larry: But she’s half a woman!

Dr. Jensen: Oh, come on, Larry! You can’t still believe that! There’s MORE to a woman than BREASTS!

Okay… she’s two-thirds of a woman.

Dr. Jensen: Larry, come on. Come on now! [ she pulls down a wall chart ] Now, Larry, what about the rear?

Larry: Yeah… right.

Dr. Jensen: And what about the legs?

Larry: Uh — Irene, I must admit, has real nice gams.

Dr. Jensen: You see? And don’t forget the nape of the neck, and the tummy. Now don’t forget those.

Larry: I see what you mean, now. I can’t believe I’ve been so blind. [ music pots up ] There’s no reason I can’t enjoy sex with Irene — and, since we’ve known each other for so long and have a family, there’s LOTS of things we can talk about. If only she’d take me back.

[ Dr. Jensen opens the door ]

Dr. Jensen: Irene, you can come in now.

Larry: [ relieved ] You mean…?

Dr. Jensen: Yes.

Irene: Larry… I heard what you said, and… I love you!

Larry: God, I love you, too!

[ they hug ]

Dr. Jensen: Now, go home, you kids, and do what you must.

Larry: Thanks, Doc.

[ freeze-frame, as Larry holds his hand behind Irene’s ass and the theme song plays ]

Theme Song:
“He cries
His wife lost a breast
and now he’ll face the test
But first he cries
He’ll make adjustments later.
First he cries.
He’ll make adjustments laterrrrr!”

[ SUPER: “Funds for “FIRST HE CRIES” were provided by grants from the following corporations:

The Playboy Foundation

Russ Meyer Pictures

ABC Television

The Jane Russell Institute for Full-Figured Women

Lily Cups Company

America Hooter Society” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 5

79e: Bea Arthur / The Roches

Goodnights

…..Bea Arthur

Bea Arthur: Well, thank you for coming. I hope you had a WONDERFUL time! Good night!

Announcer: Next week, watch an encore performance of “Saturday Night Live” with host Jack Burns and musical guest Santana. This is Don Pardo reminding you to EAT SAFELY — turkey and gasoline don’t mix. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 5

79e: Bea Arthur / The Roches

Aunt Judy’s Basement

Aunt Judy…..Bea Arthur
Susan…..Jane Curtin
Laraine…..Laraine Newman
Bobby…..Bill Murray
Andy…..Paul Shaffer

[ open on interior, Aunt Judy’s basement, as she leads four adults downstairs ]

Aunt Judy: Wait until you see it! I even fixed it up since you were here last! Oh — I’m sure, though, you all recognize the table!

Bobby: Oh, yeah. We should, Aunt Judy — you make us eat down here every Thanksgiving.

[ the four adults take their seats around the card table ]

Aunt Judy: Oh, Bobby… Now, Bobby, I hope you’re really not upset about this.

Bobby: I don’t know… I’ll be fine.

Aunt Judy: Now, look — if anybody wants seconds, Andy can get it for you. And don’t forget: We’re ALL going to be having dessert together in the living room, in just about an hour!

Andy: Okay, Mom.

The Girls: Thanks, Aunt Judy…

[ Aunt Judy exits upstairs ]

Bobby: [ snidely ] Thanks a LOT, Aunt Judy! I don’t believe we get suckered into this every year. When I was 12, Aunt Judy said everyone under 15 had to eat Thanksgiving dinner in the basement. When I was 15, Aunt Judy said everyone under 21 had to eat in the basement. I’m 26 now! Aunt Judy says everyone under 30 has to eat in the basement! I don’t want to eat down here any more! I want to sit with the GROWN-UPS, in the DINING ROOM!

Susan: Bob, would you please RELAX?! You make the same FUSS every year! If it’s any consolation to you, I once ate Thanksgiving upstairs with the adults, and it’s no better than it is down here.

Bobby: That’s not the point! I just think it’s insulting that at all these family reunions, we’re still treated like we’re in Kindergarten!

Laraine: Oh, God… you should have learned to live with it by now, Bob, I mean… I’ve kind of come to look at sitting at the Kiddie Table as kind of a lovely Thanksgiving tradition!

Andy: Yeah! Me, too. Hey, remember that Thanksgiving when we were nine? We had that contest to see who could stuff the most food in their mouth? Remember that?

Bobby: Remember the year that I made you laugh while you were drinking a milk, and it came all out your nose all over Susan’s plate! [ he screams ] Boy, did you girls ever get ticked off by that!

Susan: Do you think we could change the subject? I don’t think this is proper dinner conversation.

Laraine: You guys are really grossing us out, okay?

Bobby: Ohhh. You girls are just big BABIES, that’s all.

Laraine: I’m afraid not!

Bobby: I’m afraid so!

Laraine: I’m afraid NOT, you big jerk!

Bobby: Perhaps not, but what are you?

Susan: Would everyone PLEASE start acting their age again?!

Andy: Oh, who appointed you Miss Maturity all of a sudden?

Susan: Why don’t you just keep out of this? You’re only a cousin, I’m their sister!

Laraine: See what I mean about the boys ALWAYS ruining our Thanksgiving dinner?

Andy: [ mimicking her ] See what I mean about the boys ALWAYS ruining our Thanksgiving dinner?

Laraine: Ha ha, that’s very funny.

Andy: [ mimicking her ] Ha ha, that’s very funny.

Laraine: Stop mocking me!

Andy: [ mimicking her ] Stop mocking me!

Laraine: Cut it out, okay?

Andy: [ mimicking her ] Cut it out, okay?

Laraine: I’m telling Aunt Judy RIGHT NOW!!

Andy: [ mimicking her ] I’m telling Aunt Judy RIGHT NOW!!

Laraine: [ jumping to her feet ] Stop it! [ calling upstairs ] JUDYYYYYY!!! AUNT JUDY!!

Susan: [ to Bobby ] Oh, I suppose you really approve of his antics, don’t you?

Bobby: What’s it to you, anyway? [ he fakes a punch at her ] Ahh!! Yuo flinched! [ he punches her shoulder ]

Susan: OW!!! That’s ridiculous! You didn’t hit me for no good reason!

Bobby: That didn’t hurt! Look, I’ll do it to myself! [ he punches his arm ] See? [ he repeats ] No flinch! No flinch! [ he fakes a punch at Susan ]

Susan: Aggghhh!!!

Bobby: You flinched! [ he punches her ]

Susan: OWW!!!

[ Susan joins Laraine at the foot of the stairs ]

Susan: AUNT JUDYYYYY!!!

Andy: We’re not doing anything, Mom!

Bobby: Pay no attention to her, she’s nothing but a big baby!!

[ Andy returns to the table ]

Bobby: Say, how are things working out with you and medical school?

Andy: It’s pretty good. You know, you gotta specialize these days. I’m, uh, I’m thinking about Radiology.

Bobby: Yeah?

[ Aunt Judy calls down ]

Aunt Judy: What is going ON down there?!

Andy: Ah, just talking about medical school, Ma.

Laraine: Yeah, like FUN you were!

Bobby: We were SOOOOO!!

[ Aunt Judy appears ]

Aunt Judy: Now, look here! Yuo can jolly well straighten up or NOT expect to join us for dessert! Honestly, I’d like to think that the FOUR of you could come and have Thanksgiving dinner just ONCE without so much rough housing!

Andy: Sorry, Mom.

Laraine: Sorry, Aunt Judy.

Susan: Sorry.

[ Aunt Judy returns upstairs, as the adutls return to the Kiddie Table ]

Bobby: You little squealers! Wait’ll we go outside and play — you’re gonna GET IT!

[ Andy holds a piece of meat over Susan’s head ]

Susan: Don’t you DARE!! AUNT JUDYYYYY!!!

[ the four of them start rough housing all over again, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 5

79e: Bea Arthur / The Roches

Andy Kaufman Preview

…..Andy Kaufman
…..Bea Arthur

Andy Kaufman: Hello, I am Andy Kaufman. I was on this show — [ the audience applauds wildly ] Thank you very much! Thank you, thank you! I was on this show several weeks ago, I wrestled a woman from the audience, I got a lot of NASTY mail from you people out there! You write: “Dear Saturday Night Live, I’m never gonna watch your show again if you let Andy Kaufman wrestle, it was the most tasteless thing I’ve ever seen!” [ he gives a sinister sneer ] So you’re trying to get me to stop wrestling on television, huh? Well, there’s NO WAY you’re going to do it! I will wrestle on EVERY show! I will wrestle on every VARIETY show, every TALK show — you will NOT be able to turn the dial FAST enough! You will never get rid of me — until a woman BEATS ME in a wrestling match! That’s right! But there’s no woman that CAN beat me in a wrestling match, because women do NOT have the brains! Even the ones that lift the weights, they lift weights and they make the muscles! Those women don’t have the BRAINS! The only thing women have the brains for is to COOK, CLEAN, and PLEASE THE BABIES! [ the audience boos ] Now, just a minute, SHUUUUT UUUUPP!! SHUT UP!! Now, look — if there’s any woman out there who thinks she could beat me, send her picture and the reason why, your statistics and the reason WHY you can beat me, to this show! You will be flown out on December 22nd, and we will have a match RIGHT here! If you beat me, I will give you ONE-THOUSAND DOLLARS, SHAVE MY HEAD right here on nationwide television, and I will NEVER wrestle on television again! But I don’t think there’s anyone who can do iiiiit!

Announcer: [ over title card ] If you’re a woman and want to wrestle Andy Kaufman on our Christmas show, December 22nd, send your name, address, and current photo of yourself to:

ANDY KAUFMAN
P.O. Box 860
RADIO CITY STATION
NEW YORK, N.Y. 10019

Letters must be postmarked no later than December 14th, 1979.

[ dissolve to Bea Arthur ]

Bea Arthur: Boy… I hope somebody beats him.

[ the audience cheers ]

Andy Kaufman O/S: Shut uuuuupp!!

Bea Arthur: And beats him BADLY!

Andy Kaufman O/S: Shut up! I’ll take YOU on, lady!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 5

79e: Bea Arthur / The Roches

Bea Arthur’s Monologue

…..Bea Arthur
…..Paul Shaffer

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Bea Arthur!

Bea Arthur: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Wow! Thank you, thank you so much! It is so good to be back in New York, and it’s great to be appearing live. You know, the Broadway stage is part of my background — especially musicals. And I love to sing. And I was really thrilled when they told me I could do a song on the show. And I must say, I’ve been rehearsing all week with a most MARVELOUS, MARVELOUS musician… Mr. Paul Shaffer.

[ she stands over Paul Shaffer at the piano, as the audience applauds ]

Bea Arthur: He’s just FABULOUS! And we would like to do an old Vaughn Howard song, called “Let Me Love You”. Paul?

[ singing ]
“Let me love you
Let me say that I do
If you lend me your ear
I’ll make it clear that I do.
Let me whisper it
Oh, let me siiiiigh it
Let me sing it, my dear
Or I will cryyyyy it.

Let me love you
Let me show that I do
Let me do a million impossible things
So you’ll know that I do
I’ll buy you the dawn
If you’ll let me love you today
And tomorrow I’ll send you merrily on… your way.”

[ the audience cheers as Arthur concludes the song ]

[ she leans over to kiss Paul Shaffer, but he pulls her down across her lap and gives her a wet, sloppy kiss on the lips ]

Bea Arthur: [ leering into the camera ] We’ll be right back!

Audience Member: Go, Paul!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 5

79e: Bea Arthur / The Roches

Mr. Bill Builds a House

(Scene opens at Pleasant Stay Trailer Park where Mr. Bill is now living)

Mr. Bill: Ho ho kiddies! Hey! Oh boy, are we going to have fun today. Because we’re all going to build a new house. Yaaay! You know, I had a little accident last week. My house burned down. But don’t worry, cause my insurance company is going to pay for everything. Yaay! So in the meantime, me and Spot and Miss Sally are all going to stay in this beautiful new trailer. Oh yaaay! (Spot barks as a car pulls up and Mr. Hands comes out) Uh oh.

Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill, the insurance company contracted me to build your new house. Isn’t that great?

Mr. Bill: Oh no. That’s ok. I’ll do it myself.

Mr. Hands: Oh gee, you can help me then. Say I’ll give you a lift over to the construction site. (hooks the latch of his car to Mr. Bill’s trailer and places Mr. Bill in the trailer)

Mr. Bill: Oh come on Mr. Hands. Why don’t you leave us alone. You know, if it weren’t for you, we wouldn’t need a new house anyway. Huh? So leave us alone.

Mr. Hands: Don’t worry, I’ll take care of everything. Off we go! (Takes off in the car and pulls the trailer and Spot along Mr. Hands drives very fast causing the trailer to go on a roller coaster ride with Mr. Bill and Miss Sally in it. The trailer hits a curb and crashes in front of the construction site.) Well here we are at the construction site. Say Mr. Bill, why don’t you stand in the spot where your new living room is going to be. (places Mr. Bill in the dirt where the house is going to be)

Mr. Bill: No, I don’t want to. I want to go back to the trailer park. Leave me alone!

Mr. Hands: Ok, now first we’ll need plenty of bricks. (Carries a trovel of bricks over the trailer wreckage.)

Mr. Bill: No wait, Miss Sally’s underneath there! No wait stop! (Mr. Hands dumps the bricks on Miss Sally) Oh poor Miss Sally. Oh why why!

Mr. Hands: And now we’ll pour the foundation. (pours cement where Mr. Bill is standing.)

Mr. Bill: No wait, get me out of here! No wait! Ohhhhhhhhh! I’m stuck! Get me out!

Mr. Hands: Oh all right. I’ll get you out (Uses a hammer and chisel to get Mr. Bill free.) There you go.

Mr. Bill: No! No, no wait! Ohhhhhhhh! (His hand lands next to a nail on a board.)

Mr. Hands: Say, thanks for holding my nail Mr. Bill! (Hammers Mr. Bill’s hand)

Mr. Bill: No wait! Ohhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill, can you steady this board for me while I drill some holes in it? Huh? (Places a board on Mr. Bill standing up.)

Mr. Bill: No, you just want to be mean to me! Stop!

Mr. Hands: Okay now hold it firmly. (Starts drilling into Mr. Bill back and Mr. Bill starts spinning out of control.)

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

(Later Mr. Hands finishes the frame of the house.)

Mr. Hands: Ahhh, there. How do you like it Mr. Bill? Huh?

Mr. Bill: (standing inside the house) I don’t like it!

Mr. Hands: But it’s your new home. (Insurance Agent Sluggo appears) Oh gee, the insurance agent stopped by. Hey!

Mr. Bill: Oh no! Get me out of here!…Oh no! He’s going to be mean to me!

Mr. Hands: Uh oh! He says the insurance company isn’t going to pay a cent.

Mr. Bill: But I have a policy.

Mr. Hands: (shows Mr. Bill the contract with a magnifiying glass.) Gee Mr. Bill. I guess you didn’t read the fine print. (Shows Mr. Bill that the Expiration Date was “Yesterday”)

Mr. Bill: Oh no!

Mr. Hands: He says it’ll have to be destroyed (A wrecking ball swings, destroys the house and sends Mr. Bill into a brick wall.)

Mr. Bill: No wait! Ohhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: See you next time! Bye bye!

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

Reagan’s Nap Schedule

Aide…..Harry Shearer
Make-Up Artist…..Laraine Newman

[ Governor Ronald Reagan and his Campaign Aide step into Reagan’s dressing room ]

Aide: Congratulations, Governor, great speech! I think you really came across as a leader.

Make-Up Artist: [ seating Reagan down ] Oh, yes, Mr. Reagan, you just sit down right here, and I’ll get that make-up off you in just a jiffy!

Aide: Governor, we’ve got a car waiting for you outside to take you back to the hotel, where you may take a well-deserved rest before dinner. I’ve got your dentures right here.. [ taps his breast pocket ] ..we’ll have them cleaned and left in your room.

Make-Up Artist: [ rubbing Reagan’s make-up off his face ] Oh, listen.. we watched that speech in the control room, it was really great.. and you looked great!

Aide: Governor, I, uh.. I want to go over tomorrow’s itinerary. It’s going to be kind of a long day.. I want you up at 10:30 for the 11:30 flight to New Hampshire – don’t worry, you can sleep on the plane. 1 o’clock, there’s a working lunch on China. You’ll be briefed by William Lowe and Bob Hope. Uh.. just some cottage cheese and rice pudding.. Now, after lunch, nap ’til 3:00. 3:15, meeting with Milton Friedman, Alan Greenspan, Jack Kemp and Terry Bradshaw on Inflation and Football. And I promise I’ll have you back at the hotel no later than 3:45 for that nap. 5:00.. I thought you might want to know they’re showing Part 1 of “Ocean’s Eleven” on the early movie.. [ Reagan mumbles inaudibly ] ..uh, yeah.. Danny Ocean tries to rob a casino in Vegas, the whole Rat Pack’s in it.. uh.. Frank, Dean, Sammy, Joey..

Make-Up Artist: Uh, listen, Mr. Reagan, you ever get to watch your own movies? Because, like, I once saw one that was called “King’s Row”, and.. did you really get your legs cut off in that? Or, like, were you sitting on them.. did you have special pants, or something..?

Aide: Uh, excuse me, Governor.. the movie’s over at 6:30.. you have a nap ’til 8:00. Then, at 8:30, we have cocktails in the Edmund Burke room at the hotel.. that’s the Reactionary Democrats for Reagan.. followed by a very short nap, then 9:15 for dinner.. [ Reagan mumbles ] No, no! Don’t worry, don’t worry.. it’s cream of tomato soup, boneless chicken breast, boiled, wth mashed potatoes.. and for dessert, your choice: jello or applesauce. For ten minutes, at 10 o’clock, you speak.. you’ll be back in your room by 10:30 – since it’s so late, I’d skip the nap and go straight to bed. Now, I gotta go check the car. Great speech! [ runs out of the dressing room ]

Make-Up Artist: Mr. Reagan, can I ask you a question? [ Reagan nods ] You were once president of the Screen Actors Guild, wern’t you? ‘Cause, like, I was wondering, you know.. I make-up a lot of actors, and stuff.. and I really think I do a better job than they do.. Is there anything you an, like, say to get into the guild? [ Reagan mumbles inaudibly ] Huh? [ Reagan mumbles again, slowly so that the show’s opening can be made out ] Oh! Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

SaveCo

Tom Clay…..Harry Shearer

Tom Clay voiceover: Prices are going out of sight – inflation is everywhere, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Oh, yeah? Says who?

Tom Clay: Hi! Tom Clay, for Saveco, America’s number one chain of recalled-products discount centers. Hey, nobody likes to pay retail, or even wholesale, prices. That’s why there’s Saveco. Let me tell you what we do – every time the Federal government orders a product recalled – we buy it! No, not one or two at a time. Not even by the dozen. In carload lots! Then, we sell these brand-new products. Microwave ovens that barely excede radiation-leakage standards, even children’s pajamas completely fireproof with a possible carcinogen – we sell them all! At a fraction of the original price. And with it, as always, the famous Saveco guarantee – if you can find the same product advertised at or near the original price, we’ll get a tempory junction against the other store.

If they made it wrong, the prce is right! At Saveco!

SNL Transcripts