Daddy…..Buck Henry Mommy…..Jane Curtin Daughter…..Gilda Radner
[ open on wide shot of cars passing down the street in the night ]
[ dissolve to interior, suburban vehicle, Mommy and Daughter gripped in terror as Daddy speeds down the street like a maniac; camera shakes to create illusion that the car is rattling out of control ]
Mommy: Okay, okay, there’s a man getting out of a parked car on the right, up ahead. The door’s still open. Move to the left! Move to the left!
Daddy: Okay, okay, I see it!!
Mommy: Oh, you just missed him!
Daughter: Oh, Daddy, Daddy! There’s a car on your left! You’re going into his lane! There’s a.. there’s a boy on a bike! On the right side!
Mommy: See the reflectors?!!
Daddy: I see it!!
Mommy: Honey, slow down!
Daddy: I missed him, didn’t I?!
Daughter: No, Daddy, you knocked him over!
Mommy: Oh, Honey, slow down!
Daddy: You know I can’t slow down! Daddy’s gotta go to the bathroom!
Daughter: Well, can’t we stop at a gas station!
Daddy: No, no, no, no, no! Daddy can only go at home – you know that!
Mommy: Look out – a rabbit!!
Daughter: [ panicking ] Oh, no, Daddy!
[ stuffed rabbit is tossed at the front window of car, and bounces into the air and out of sight ]
Daughter: Oh, no! Daddy killed the rabbit!
Mommy: Stop driving!!
Daughter: The lights turning yellow!!
Daddy: I can make it!!
Daughter: It’s turning red!!
Daddy: I can make it!!
Daughter: It’s turning.. it turned.. it’s red!
Mommy: Honk the horn!!
[ they run the red light, as cars are heard wrecking in the background ]
Daddy: I shouldn’t have eaten that big meal so early in the day! I knew I couldn’t hold it all day!
Daughter: Daddy, daddy!! A dog!!
[ stuffed dog is tossed on the side of the car, and falls over the hood ]
Daddy: I think I missed it!
Mommy: No, you didn’t!!
Daughter: Oh, stop!!
Daddy: Only half a mile to go!
Daughter: Oh, Daddy!! Watch out for those men in the crosswalk!!
Daddy: Okay, I see them!
[ two men jump across the hood and fall off to the sides ]
Mommy: Agggghhhhh!!!
Daughter: Slow down!!
[ cut to car rolling onto the curb and crashing into wall ]
[ open on Woman sitting in her apartment engaged in a phone call from the comfort of her couch ]
Sue: Hello, Tom? This is Sue. I’m here all alone in my apartment, and I have some Harley’s Bristol Creme, and I thought maybe you’d want to come over. What? You are? Well, I’m sorry I disturbed you. Okay. Sure.
[ hangs up, tries another number ]
Hello, Stan. Sue. I’m here all alone in my apartment, and I have some Harley’s Bristol Creme, and I was thinking maybe you’d like to come over. Oh. That’s too bad. Okay, yeah.. maybe some other time.
[ hangs up, tries another number ]
Hello, Mike! This is Sue! I’m alone in my apartment, and I have some.. You did? When? Well.. congratulations. Okay, goodbye.
[ hangs up phone, walks over to the window, opens it and yells down below ]
Hey! Hey! You! You want some Harly’s Bristol Creme! Come on up, Apartment 3C!
Announcer: It used to be that a woman couldn’t invite a man over for a drink. All that’s changed now. Harley’s Bristol Creme, over ice. It’s downright upright.
[ Sue is now sharing her Harley’s Bristol Creme with Honker, whom she pulled off the street ]
Honker: Geez, I’m really spinning on this stuff, what the heck do you call it?
Sue: Harley’s Bristol Creme. I knew you’d like it.
[ Sue pulls Honker over so they cna make out ]
Announcer: Harley’s Bristol Creme. Why not invite someone over tonight? It’s downright upright.
[ open on protestors holding picket signs outside of 30 Rockefeller Center ]
Protestors: [ chanting ] NO MORE BUCK!! NO MORE BUCK!! NO MORE BUCK!!
[ dissolve to interior, Studio 8-H locker room, as Bill Murray approaches Jane Curtin ]
Bill Murray: Did you see what’s going on outside?
Jane Curtin: Yeah. It’s been like that all week, demonstrations at EVERY NBC station across the country.
Bill Murray: I guess people are really upset about Buck Henry hosting again, you know?
Jane Curtin: Upset? They’re OUTRAGED! And I sympathize. I mean, Buck is a nice guy and everything, but he doesn’t have any talent. Frankly, he’s boring.
Bill Murray: Very boring.
Jane Curtin: Yeah. The man has hosted the show, what, eleven times? And I still haven’t figured out what he does, beside hosting the show.
Bill Murray: And borrowing money from us when he’s here.
Jane Curtin: My God… when I think of all the talented people who are DYING to host this show… You know, I have a friend who just worked on a movie with Clint Eastwood, and this show is his favorite show.
Bill Murray: Really?
Jane Curtin: Yes. And, according to my friend, Clint wanted very much to host tonight’s show. He even called Lorne on the phone, at home.
Bill Murray: Really?
Jane Curtin: Yes. Lorne didn’t call him back. [ outraged ] Clint Eastwood could have been here tonight! But we’ve got Bucky Henry.
Bill Murray: That’s what we’ve got.
[ Buck Henry sainters down the hall surrounded by guards ]
Bill Murray: Hi, Buck.
Buck Henry: [ to the guards ] I’ll be in in a minute. [ to Bill ] Hey! How you doing? Ready for the big show?
Jane Curtin: Yeah.
Buck Henry: Those fans are SOMETHING, aren’t they? I mean, they just can’t keep their hands off me! I’ll just change my clothes, I’ll be with you in a minute.
[ Buck exits down the hall ]
Jane Curtin: Lorne must be OUT OF HIS MIND!!
Bill Murray: Jane, don’t blame him. He wouldn’t hurt Clint for anything in this world, I don’t think. He loathes Buck just as much as we do. It’s the network… it’s the network that forces Buck on us.
Jane Curtin: But nobody watches the show when Buck hosts the show! The ratings always go down!
Bill Murray: It’s true. NBC loses a fortune every time he hosts the show. But, Jane, sometimes in show business there are things that are more important than dollars or cents.
Jane Curtin: What the HELL are you talking about?
Bill Murray: I wasn’t going to tell this to anyone, Jane. It’s a secret I’ve been keeping to myself ever since I started here at NBC, back when I was a file clerk in Legal — this was before I got transferred into Acting. I came across a letter that explained a lot. Did you ever hear of the Korean War?
Jane Curtin: I thought it was the Korean Conflict?
Bill Murray: It was a war — ask anybody who was there. Well, one of the fiercest battles took place at Pork Chop Hill — the John Wayne movie, you ever see it?
Jane Curtin: Oh, yeah…
Bill Murray: Well, Buck was there. His whole company was wiped out by a raid, and Buck was crawling across a field trying to get back to Italian headquarters. And he got hit by a mortar shell, steel fragments tore through his leg and his arm. He fell into a foxhole and found himself next to another G.I., form his own unit who was wounded pretty badly. A mortar went off, and Buck jumped over this guy trying to protect him. He stayed there all day and night, and then he picked up the guy and carried him for six hours, sometimes on his stomach, crawling, always protecting him from bullets. Weak from blood, he gave him his last, last drop of water out of his canteen. And Buck and this man are the only two who knew what happened, until I saw the letter in Legal. And that is the reason why Buck Henry has hosted this show twelve times.
Jane Curtin: I don’t get it, I don’t understand the connection, I…
Bill Murray: You know that old saying, “Wars that tear nations apart, can also bring individuals together”?
Jane Curtin: Yeah, I know that.
Bill Murray: Well… that wounded soldier, whose life was saved by Buck Henry, that good-as-dead G.I., was a young kid from Cleveland, Ohio: Private First Class Fred Silverman.
Jane Curtin: THE Fred Silverman?
Bill Murray: [ he nods ] Our Fred Silverman. [ “America the Beautiful” begins to play softly in the background ] A man who finds himself fighting on a different battlefield now. The stakes aren’t life and death, and there’s no bloodshed… but maybe they’re just as high. It’s the life and death of a network. Despite the fact that the NBC peacock is in its own coma right now, Fred knows that he wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for Buck. And he’ll stick with him, no matter what the ratings. [ he chokes on his words ] And no matter how many affiliates across the country are destroyed by demonstrators… whenever Buck hosts the show.
Jane Curtin: [ solemn ] I didn’t know that about Buck. I’m so ashamed I spoke so harshly of him. I don’t know what to say… except… “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
[ dissolve from host bumper to find Buck Henry turned away from the audience and engaged in conversation with the cast ]
Buck Henry: [ turning around ] Well, once again, I — I think we have proved what I have tried to point out at the beginning of the show. [ members of the cast begin to scowl ] That… there’s a factor of heart in show business, and that it’s not always what you expect. You know… there are a lot of stories that they tell in this fabulous business called theater, television, film… this incredible world where people get together and… really try to help each other and try to find a way —
Al Franken: You’re the WORST, Buck!
Buck Henry: — to perform together in order so that you the audience can be fully entertained —
Jane Curtin: Lighten up, will you, Buck?!
Buck Henry: — and can have a sense of the heart that goes into all of our endevours.
Al Franken: Billy?
[ Bill Murray jumps up on stage ]
Bill Murray: Hey, Buck, come on! Get off!
Jane Curtin: Get him out of here! Come on, get him out of here! Get him out!
[ Bill Murray yanks Henry off the stage, as he begins to flee from the advancing mob ]
[ the credits begin to roll as the chase extends itself into the outer halls of Studio 8-H ]
[ the cast quikcly catches up to Henry, seizes him, and pummels him to the ground ]
[ dissolve to the audience applauding in the balcony ]
Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Bea Arthur, with musical guest The Roches. This Wednesday, watch NBC’s “Best of Saturday Night Live” for NINETY minutes, starting at 9:30/8:30 Mountain and Central. This is the Don Pardo saying Good night.
[ hold on the SNL house band, the last of the crew still in the studio, playing until the very end ]
Hampton Jitney…..Bill Murray Muffy Barber…..Laraine Newman Ed Rosen…..Buck Henry Stan Brewster…..Harry Shearer Loretta…..Jane Curtin Algonquin J. Calhoun…..Garrett Morris
[ open on Hampton Jitney seated on couch with Muffy Barber ]
Hampton Jitney: Muffy? Remember when I todl you I had a very important question I wanted to ask you tonight, the most important question I’ve ever asked anyone? Do you know what I was talking about?
Muffy Barber: Well, I… I think I do.
Hampton Jitney: Are you glad?
Muffy Barber: Yes. Aren’t you glad?
Hampton Jitney: Yes. But I’m a little nervous. Since I thought it was the most important question I’d ever ask, or that I probably ever will ask… I didn’t want to ask it without my lawyer present.
[ the doorbell rings ]
Hampton Jitney: Well, that must be him. I told him to come. [ he kisses Muffy on the cheek ] I’ll get it, kitten. Stay right there.
[ he opens the door to Ed Rosen ]
Hampton Jitney: Hi!
Ed Rosen: Hi.
Hampton Jitney: Oh. How are you?
Muffy Barber: Honey, I’m sorry! That’s my lawyer! You see… when you told me that it was the most important question that you’d ever want to ask, I knew it would be the most important question I’d ever have to answer, and I figured I should have my lawyer present. [ to Ed ] Oh, I’m sorry! This is my fiancee, Hampton Jitney; my attorney, Ed Rosen.
[ suddenly, Stan Brewster enters ]
Stan Brewster: Hey! How are you, everybody?
Ed Rosen: Hi.
Hampton Jitney: Hi.
Muffy Barber: Who’s that?
Hampton Jitney: Oh! Uh, well, this is my lawyer — Stan Brewster; my fiancee, Muffy Barber.
Stan Brewster: How do you do?
Hampton Jitney: And, uh, her lawyer —
Stan Brewster: Ed Rosen! We’ve met!
Ed Rosen: Yes, indeed!
Hampton Jitney: Okay! Well, sit down. Would you like a drink?
Stan Brewster: No.
Ed Rosen: No, nothing for me, no.
[ they all sit ]
Stan Brewster: This is, uh, this is quite a change for us.
Ed Rosen: Yes, we usually meet in Divorce Court.
Stan Brewster: That’s correct. But I don’t think it’s gonna be too much trouble today. [ to Muffy ] Hampton just wants you to kind of set a few guidelines. Basically, what he wants to convey is nothing more complicated than the house, the car, the business and the investments… will be outside.
Muffy Barber: Outside?
Stan Brewster: Yes, outside the marriage.
Hampton Jitney: I don’t want money to ever come between us. Everybody we know is always fighting, and it’s always about money. Anything you ever want, I will give to you… if it’s within my power. You’ll never want, and you’ll never go hungry. [ he kisses her cheek ]
Muffy Barber: Oh, Cupcake… that’s so sweet! But I, uh, I do think we should have some kind of committment to say that we care about each other.
Ed Rosen: Uhhhh, by “caring”, we mean on an equal property agreement which would include cars, house, and business. Uh, our definition of “caring” would also include a compulsory financial committment in the order of shared life insurance, joint tenancy in all real estates, stocks and jewelry, to be divided equally upon the dissolution of the relationship.
Muffy Barber: Just in case you die, honey.
Hampton Jitney: But… Sweet Stuff… I-I-I’m just not sure about this equal property provision. You know, what if you have a stroke… and we’re supposed to sign everything jointly, and I need to cash in, say, the life insurance to pay for your medical supplies. I’m taking care of you, and mopping your forehead, and changing your bedpan, and making sure you’re comfortable and everything… and you’ve lost all the motor power on your right side. You can’t even wave Yes or No, let alone sign anything.
Ed Rosen: Ah-ah! I don’t think that’s a relevant point. If anything like that ever happens, of course there’ll be love and concern. We certainly don’t need to worry about that! What we’re talking about is a partnership here, and where to base that partnership. [ he leans closer to Muffy ] Uh — if you have a brain in your head, you’ll do it, Bianca, demand a permanent domicile in California.
Muffy Barber: [ sweetly, to Hampton ] Tootsie Roll! Can we get married and live in California forever and everrrrr?
[ Hampton chuckles nervously, as his lawyer leans forward ]
Stan Brewster: A temporary residence, not to exceed 90 days or else you can kiss the family jewels goodbye.
Hampton Jitney: Oh, you know, honey, I like California… but I’m gonna need to get back to New York and recharge my batteries. You know I’m gonna need that every couple of months.
Ed Rosen: Okay, okay! Joint tentacy, but SEPARATE domiciles!
Stan Brewster: Hey, look, I don’t understand why we’re having this whole discussion! You know, MY understanding of what we were doing here is just a simple prenuptial agreement. There’s nothing complicated about it, it’s a fairly standard form. As a matter of fact, my colleague here helped me to write it in the first place!
Ed Rosen: Well… there’s no way that my client is going to sign this thing without SUBSTANTIAL amendments.
Hampton Jitney: Honey! How could you possibly DO this to me?! I would think that if you loved me, you would never want to embarrass me in front of my attorney.
Muffy Barber: This is the SAME thing we were talking about last night, Hampton — your constant HARPING on how I’m after your money! We can’t work this way!
Hampton Jitney: Lovemumps… I’m not doing anything that someone — anyone else in my position wouldn’t do. I mean, marriage is different nowadays. It’s gotta be a direct, honest relationship, a direct agreement… it’s an AGREEMENT! It’s, uh —
Hampton Jitney: It’s BINDING! It’s a binding, notorized contract!
Muffy Barber: But it’s love!
Ed Rosen: Yes! She’s absolutely right! And that’s why we’re not signing! This contract is sexist, it’s one-sided, it’s not representive of my client! This isn’t love! It’s not protective! You don’t know the meaning of love!
Stan Brewster: Well, it’s our FINAL offer! Take it or leave it!
Ed Rosen: Well, FORGET it! We can do better than this!
Stan Brewster: So can we! We don’t need you!
Ed Rosen: [ grabbing Muffy’s arm ] Muffy, we’re not staying here for this!
Muffy Barber: Oh… well, I’m so confused, Love Wubby. Perhaps we shouldn’t get married right now, if we’re not sure how we feel about each other.
Hampton Jitney: Yeah, I wish I knew for both of us , my little Famous Amos.
[ the doorbell rings ]
Hampton Jitney: I’ll get it. Excuse me.
[ Hampton answers the door to Loretta and her lawyer ]
Loretta: Hampton, darling, I’ve reconsidered. I’ve talked it over with my lawyer, Mr. Calhoun, here, and I’m ready to sign.
Algonquin J. Calhoun: That’s right! Uh, we’ll accept with no clauses.
Hampton Jitney: Oh, Loretta! You’re ready to commit! [ he hugs her ] Sweet heart! [ to Muffy ] And you, Muffy… I stuck with you all the way. But when push came to shove, you shoved! You turned on me! Well, I don’t ever want to see you or your lawyer again in my house.
Ed Rosen: What do you mean, your house? Does the word “palimony” mean anything to you?!
Hampton Jitney: Oh, sure…
Ed Rosen: I’m gonna slap a lien on this house you won’t BELIEVE!!
Muffy Barber: I don’t know, Marty… maybe I wasn’t ready for a relationship that —
Ed Rosen: Don’t give up, kid! We’re in a stronger position now than when we walked in. We’re gonna make him pay! Technically, you lived under the same roof, all those vacations together, those —
[ Ed Rosen walks his client out of the apartment ]
[ Loretta attempts to sign the contract ]
Loretta: You know, my pen’s out of ink. Can I use yours?
Hampton Jitney: Oh, honey! [ he pulls a pen out of his pocket ] Use mine.
Loretta: Oh, thank you, darling!
[ Algonquin J. Calhoun approaches Hampton’s lawyer ]
Algonquin J. Calhoun: Algonquin J. Calhoun is the name!
[ they shake hands and sit down to talk ]
[ pull back, with SUPER: “coming up next: Biorhythm & Blues” ]
[ Buck Henry enters Home Base, which is surrounded by guards in pith helmets ]
Buck Henry: Thank you! Thank you, thank you all very much! You should SEE them down there! I mean, it’s just incredible! As always, it’s a GREAT pleasure to host my favorite show — “Saturday Night Live”. And, you know, I’m often asked why I like hosting this show so much. I mean, after all, this is, I think, my TWELFTH time… and the answer to that question isn’t easy. One: It’s because I LOVE the people here —
Voice in the Audience: YOU STINK!!
Buck Henry: Exactly! It’s just — it’s like a family! It’s like a wonderful family, every time I come here. Uh — it’s just — I just feel —
Voice in the Audience: YOU’RE THE WORST!!
Buck Henry: [ nodding ] They yell at me, they try to touch me, it’s just — it’s a wonderful thing! In fact, I’ve become so recognizable from this show, that I’ve grown this beard… [ he rubs his beard ] to attempt a certain anonymity so that, uh, you know, so that people everywhere can —
[ a protestor rushes the stage, as the guards swarm on him ]
Protestor: LISTEN, YOU UNTALENTED… YOU STINK!!
[ the guards drag the protestor out of the studio ]
Buck Henry: No, not autographs now! Autographs later! It’s okay. I don’t know, I — I enjoy my life without the incessant disturbance of an audience, and it’s not that —
Voice in the Audience: GET OFF!!
Buck Henry: It’s not that I’m ungrateful — thank you, mind you. It’s just that this show has actually made a career for me. Everyone who is associated with this show, as you know, has achieved a kind of, uh, stardom. And, uh, in all modesty, I have to say I can’t go out in public any more without causing a commotion. I — I can almost, as I’m sure you can, feel the love from that crowd —
[ cut to the crowd of protestors outside the studio, now starting to burn Buck in effigy ]
Buck Henry V/O: Feel them trying to get near me, trying to touch me, trying to get, uh, I don’t know, I suppose to share, in some sense, the feeling that I am someplace they want to be.
[ return to Home Base ]
Buck Henry: And if by touching me and experiencing what I’m experiencing, they join me in this kind of — they’re CRAZY about me! They don’t leave me alone for a second. And I want to thank you all for sharing in that same feeling, and we’ll be RIGHT back!
Lisa Loopner…..Gilda Radner Todd DiLaMuca…..Bill Murray Enid Loopner…..Jane Curtin Marshall DiLaMuca…..Buck Henry
[ open on Lisa Loopner and Todd DiLaMuca entering the Loopner living room to sit on the couch ]
Lisa Loopner: Boy, Todd… you sure wolfed down dinner in a hurry!
Todd DiLaMuca: That’s because I’m hungry for some of that Loopner lunch pail, that’s all.
Lisa Loopner: Oh. Now, Todd, we’ve been through this a ZILLION times, and the answer to your pathetic animal needs is still “NO!! N-O spells NO!!”
Todd DiLaMuca: [ as he tries to peek under Lisa’s skirt ] Lisa… according to Masters & Johnson, I’m at my sexual peak. Give in to me now, my kitten, and I shall remember you when you peak at about 55 or 60…
Lisa Loopner: Todd! That’s real big of you! But — according to Sherry Hite, you can never give me as much pleasure as I can give myself!
Todd DiLaMuca: What does Sherry Hite know? She’s never dated me.
Lisa Loopner: Yeah. Well, personally — [ as Todd rubs her shoulder ] Stop, Todd! [ she laughs ] I feel that in our culture, sex is overrated. [ Todd blows at her, she blows back ] I mean, look at my mother. I mean, she’s perfectly happy with the memory of my father — the late Mr. Loopner —
Together: God rest his soul.
Todd DiLaMuca: Well, YOU look at your mother — her shoulders are up around her ears. The woman is repressed! I mean, she’s got problems.
Lisa Loopner: That’s because her bra straps are too tight!
Todd DiLaMuca: Oh, yeah… sure.
[ Mrs. Loopner enters with a jar of mayonnaise ]
Mrs. Loopner: Todd? Could you unscrew this for me? I seem to have screwed the lid on too hard.
Todd DiLaMuca: Certainly, Mrs. Loopner. [ he struggles with the jar ] It’s really jammed, isn’t it? [ he finally pops the lid ]
Mrs. Loopner: Ooooh, Todd! You have such a strong right arm!
Lisa Loopner: Yeah. He works out with it a lot.
[ Todd gives her a dirty look ]
Mrs. Loopner: Well, back to the salt mines!
Lisa Loopner: Mom! Mom? Forget about the egg salad. I can BUY lunch!
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, Lisa. I enjoy making egg salad. It gives me great pleasure. That, and ironing contoured sheets.
[ Mrs. Loopner exits back to the kitchen ]
Todd DiLaMuca: Ironing contour sheets.
Lisa Loopner: Todd… maybe she IS sublimating her sexual energy.
Todd DiLaMuca: Oh-ho-ho, perhaps, Diapolis. Hey, my dad’s the same way ever since we lost my mom. But I don’t want you to end up like that, Lisa. [ he wraps his arm around her ] I want that pink, pink blush of your nose… spread down, down, down your cheeks… across your rather unusually skinny and fleshy neck… [ Lisa laughs ] down to your rosy halo to your chest — whwrever your chest may be.
Lisa Loopner: Cut it out, Pizza-Face!
Todd DiLaMuca: Lisa, prove your love to me — or else you’ll be responsible for giving me a painful case of… LOVER’S NOOGIE!
[ he proceeds to pound her on the head ]
Lisa Loopner: Todd!
Todd DiLaMuca: That’s right! You know what Lover’s Noogies are — it’s when your head turns all blue and swells up?
Lisa Loopner: Oh, that’s so funny I forgot to laugh!
[ the doorbell rings ]
Lisa Loopner: I’ll get it.
Todd DiLaMuca: Get what?
[ Todd’s dad is at the door ]
Lisa Loopner: Hello, Mr. DiLaMuca!
Mr. DiLaMuca: Hello, Lisa!
Lisa Loopner: Nice to see you!
Mr. DiLaMuca: Nice to see you, too! Todd, a little bird told me that I’d find you here! And no wonder, when I look at Lisa! [ he snorts ]
Lisa Loopner: Thank you, Mr. DiLaMuca!
Mr. DiLaMuca: Uh — where are you hiding that GORGEOUS mother of yours?
Lisa Loopner: She’s in the kitchen.
Todd DiLaMuca: Why don’t you go get her? [ he gives Lisa a secret signal ]
Mr. DiLaMuca: Ohhh, don’t go to any trouble on my account.
Lisa Loopner: [ catching on ] Oh, yeah — right! Why don’t I go get her! Yeah! It’s no trouble!
[ Lisa skips into the kitchen ]
Mr. DiLaMuca: Well, Son, we’re in luck! I managed to get TWO tickets to the Tri-State All-Star Chess tournament tonight! How about stepping out with your old man!
Todd DiLaMuca: Gee, Dad… I’d love to, but I’ve got some Trig homework that I’m dying to get to. I’m really excited about it. Say, I know — why don’t you ask, uh, Mrs. Loopner to go with you?
Mr. DiLaMuca: Ask Enid?
Todd DiLaMuca: Sure. It’ll do her good to get out of the house — and it may do me some good, too, if you get my drift.
Mr. DiLaMuca: [ laughing ] Oh, she wouldn’t want to go out with an old fogey like me!
Todd DiLaMuca: Uh, maybe not, Dad, but, uh… deep down, she’s DYING for it! I know that. Deep down.
Mr. DiLaMuca: Uhhhh — [ he chuckles laciviously ]
Todd DiLaMuca: Dad? I have a confession to make, between us guys. I found that shoebox of yours with the Belgian postcards.
Mr. DiLaMuca: Todd! What were you doing in my underwear drawer?
Todd DiLaMuca: Sorry, Dad. I looked at them all, except for those two that were stuck together.
Mr. DiLaMuca: Too bad. Those were the best ones.
Todd DiLaMuca: You know, uh, that thought had occurred to me! [ he laughs ]
Mr. DiLaMuca: Yeah, but, but, but, uh — [ laughing ] Enid Loopner? She’s a whole lot of woman!
Todd DiLaMuca: She’s a beast. Now, Dad, I happen to know that, uh, Mrs. Loopner is a natural blonde.
Mr. DiLaMuca: What? You’ve seen her in her… birthday suit? [ he laughs ]
Todd DiLaMuca: Don’t gross me out, Dad. I mean, the hair on her arms is blonde.
Mr. DiLaMuca: Oh!
[ Lisa and her mom enter ]
Mrs. Loopner: Marshall! Long time, no see!
Todd DiLaMuca: Oh, boy, Dad! Go for it!
Mr. DiLaMuca: Hello, Enid! How’s every little thing?
[ Todd pushes his dad closer to Mrs. Loopner ]
Mrs. Loopner: Couldn’t be better! Ohhh, I see you’ve grown a beard!
Mr. DiLaMuca: I had to stop shaving because of this painful skin condition!
Lisa Loopner: Like father, like son!
Mrs. Loopner: Well, I always say a man without a beard is like a hot apple pie without cheese!
[ they all laugh ]
Lisa Loopner: Mom! Mom, let me take off your apron, and show your beautiful housecoat! Isn’t it pretty?
Mrs. Loopner: Well, it is a housecoat — it’s just for wearing aound the house!
Todd DiLaMuca: I don’t know about that. I’d say it could go anywhere — you could even wear it to a chess tournament, for example, don’t you think?
Mr. DiLaMuca: I — I — I — do have two tickets.
Mrs. Loopner: [ flattered ] Oh. Oh, Marshall… [ she laughs ] Well, I don’t mean to be a mulligan, but, uh… you know, I always thought, um… I mean, I really, uh… you know, Marshall, whatever became of Mrs. DiLaMuca?
Mr. DiLaMuca: That, Enid, is the $64,000 question.
[ they laugh hysterically ]
Todd DiLaMuca: Dad? Please. You promised.
Mr. DiLaMuca: We lost Mrs. DiLaMuca some twelve years ago.
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, dear… how did it happen?
Mr. DiLaMuca: We lost her at Expo ’67. She was supposed to meet us at the car.
Todd DiLaMuca: Dad! No! Come on!
Mr. DiLaMuca: Well, she said she just wanted to go and buy one of those little wooden dolls with all the other little wooden dolls inside, you know? And she wasn’t sure which pavilion to go to — Bulgaria or Romania.
Lisa Loopner: You mean, she wasn’t killed in Vietnam?
Todd DiLaMuca: No, Lisa. She wasn’t an Army nurse, she didn’t win the Congressional Medal of Honor, either.
Lisa Loopner: Todd, you’re a liar!
Mr. DiLaMuca: I blame myself!
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, Marshall, you musn’t.
Mr. DiLaMuca: What about the chess tournament, Enid? Will you go with me?
Mrs. Loopner: [ excited ] Well… who’s playing?
Mr. DiLaMuca: Ferg Ginsburg and Jeffrey Stutz. [ Mrs. Loopner gasps ] It should be pretty exciting — the winner gets to try out for the Semi-Finals.
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, that sounds like fun!
Mr. DiLaMuca: You know, Enid, sometimes I get so excited watching… I almost make a noise.
Mrs. Loopner: Oh? Well, I’d like to go, Marshall, but I just put a fresh batch of eggs on to boil.
Mr. DiLaMuca: Alright, what’ll it be, Enid? Yay, or Nay?
Lisa Loopner: Oh, GO, Mom! You’d be CRAZY not to go! It’s great! I’d KILL to go! Come on, Mom, go!
Mr. DiLaMuca: You mean, you — wai — what? Well, then… take my ticket, here.
[ Todd throws his arms up in bewilderment ]
Lisa Loopner: What?
Mr. DiLaMuca: Well, yeah, if you really want to go. Of course — well, BOTH of you go! Alright? Here are the tickets. [ he hands each Loopner a ticket ] You’d better hurry now!
Mrs. Loopner: B-but what about the eggs?
Mr. DiLaMuca: We’ll worry about the eggs!
Mrs. Loopner: Are you sure, Marshall?
[ Todd Smacks a stack of books on his head ]
Mr. DiLaMuca: Yes! Don’t you worry about the eggs! Just go and have a DARN good time!
Mrs. Loopner: Now, Lisa, did you leave the keys in the Gremlin?
Lisa Loopner: Yeah, I think I did, Mom!
Mrs. Loopner: Marshall, thank you.
Lisa Loopner: Okay, byyyye! Goodbye! I guess I’ll see you in school!
Todd DiLaMuca: Goodbye, Lisa…
Lisa Loopner: Thanks, Mr. DiLaMuca!
Mr. DiLaMuca: Have a good time now!
[ the Loopners leave, as the DiLaMucas sit on the couch ]
Todd DiLaMuca: Oh, way to go, Dad.
Mr. DiLaMuca: Well! I guess now we have a… couple of hours to kill?
Todd DiLaMuca: Aw, that’s okay. I brought the postcards with me. [ he pulls them out of his textbook ] Look at this!
[ Father and Son look over their naughty postcards together, as the camera pulls back with SUPER: “coming up next: Kamikaze TV Pilots” ]
Tom Brundidge…..Buck Henry Innkeeper…..Laraine Newman Carl Bailey…..Tom Davis Brundidge Bailey…..Jim Downey Bailey Brundidge…..Anne Beatts
[ open on interior, ferry drifting through a storm, as Tom Brundidge gazes out the darkened window ]
Tom Brundidge V/O: As I gaze on Toad Island for the last time, its darkened contours gradually receding into the thick New England mist, I shudder with the realization that I’m finally escaping its clammy hold on my soul. My mind races back to the day of my arrival, the day I first confronted… [ reveal title card ] The Mystery of Toad Island.
[ dissolve to interior, New England inn ]
Tom Brundidge V/O: Choosing a place to stay didn’t take long. There was only one inn on Toad Island: The Toad Island Inn.
[ the clock chimes, as Tom Brundidge enters with his bags ]
Tom Brundidge: Anybody here?
[ silence, except for crickets chirping in the background ]
Tom Brundidge: Hello? [ he rings the bell at the front desk ] Anybody here?
[ the Innkeeper enters slowly and quietly ]
Tom Brundidge: Hello! Uh — I just got off the ferry, I was wondering if you had a room?
[ the Innkeeper leans back to think it over, as her throat inflates just like a toad’s ]
Innkeeper: Could be.
Tom Brundidge: Uh-huh. Well, it’s, uh — [ her throat continues to inflate ] just for… just for ONE night!
Innkeeper: Well… we may not have a room ready. Don’t get many strangers here on Toad Island.
Tom Brundidge: [ he chuckles ] It’s no wonder. It’s a long ferry ride. I was the only passenger after Piquancine Island.
Innkeeper: Figures.
Tom Brundidge: Perhaps, uh, you know the woman I’ve come to see: Hannah Brundidge?
Innkeeper: Ah! We have the two. Only two families on this island: The Baileys and the Brundidges. I’m a Bailey. My mother was a Brundidge, and her mother before her was a Bailey. Goes back like that, ohhhh… gosh… oh, about 1674, when Captain James Brundidge ran his ship aground on Toad Island.
Tom Brundidge: Ah. Well… do you know where I can find her?
Innkeeper: Who?
Tom Brundidge: Hannah Brundidge.
Innkeeper: What about her?
Tom Brundidge: I’m here to see her. She’s my great-aunt.
[ a buzzing sounds in the air, so the Innkeeper arches her neck and catches the fly in her mouth ]
Innkeeper: You’re Tom Brundidge!
[ dramatic music sting ]
Tom Brundidge: Look — does my great-aunt live nearby, and can anybody take me there?
Innkeeper: Oh, not tonight. You’d best turn in. Carl will see you to your room. [ she rings the bell ] Oh, Carl!
[ Carl hops to his feet ]
Innkeeper: Carl, this is your cousin, Tom Brundidge.
Carl Bailey: Pleased to meet ya’!
Tom Brundidge: Oh! Are you a Brundidge?
Carl Bailey: Nooo, a Bailey. My mother was a Brundidge.
Tom Brundidge: Ah! Say, Carl… could you, uh, drive me to Hannah Brundidge’s tomorrow?
Carl Bailey: [ as his throat inflates and deflates ] Maybe yes, and maybe no.
Tom Brundidge: What do you mean?
Carl Bailey: I might, and then again… I might not.
Tom Brundidge: What kind of an answer is that?
Carl Bailey: That’s for me to know, and you to find out.
[ Brundidge Bailey chimes in from the couch ]
Brundidge Bailey: I think you’re wasting your time talking to Carl. He’s pleasant enough, but you won’t learn very much.
Innkeeper: Carl, take Mr. Brundidge’s bags to his room!
Carl Bailey: Alright. Pepperidge Farm!
[ Carl grabs Tom Brundidge’s bags and hops up the stairs to his room ]
Brundidge Bailey: So you’re Tom Brundidge?
Tom Brundidge: Yes.
Brundidge Bailey: Ed Brundidge’s boy?
Tom Brundidge: That’s right.
[ Tom sits next to Brundidge Bailey on the couch ]
Brundidge Bailey: Well, perhaps I should introduce myself. I’m Brundidge Bailey. [ acknowledging other people in the parlor ] This here’s my cousin — Bailey Brundidge.
Bailey Brundidge: Howdy.
Brundidge Bailey: And her brother — Brundidge Brundidge.
Brundidge Brundidge: Howdy.
Tom Brundidge: Nice to meet you. So… it’s really true there are only two families on Toad Island? Now, no offense, but, uh, isn’t it dangerous for two families to intermarry for all these years?
Brundidge Bailey: If the Good Lord had meant for us to marry women from the mainland, he’d have given us wings to fly over there to meet them.
Tom Brundidge: Ah, I see. Well, maybe you can help me. You see, my father died when I was very young, and my mother NEVER talked about it. And, well, she just passed away. While going through her effects, I found some letters to a Hannah Brundidge of Toad Island. [ he removes the letters from his jacket ] And from these letters, it was apparent that her nephew — uh, my, uh — Ned Brundidge… was my father.
[ another buzzing sound in the air, so Brundidge lurches forward to catch the fly in his mouth ]
Tom Brundidge: Now, I — I wrote Aunt Hannah, and she warned me NOT to come to Toad Island. Do you have any idea why she would say that?
Brundidge Bailey: Pepperidge Farm!
Tom Brundidge: What? Pepperidge Farm? Are you tellinf me I can find my aunt at this farm?
[ Carl hops back down the stairs to join the men at the couch ]
Brundidge Bailey: No use. Not in the end. You won’t learn much to a Bailey. As we say around here: “No use shaking the tree if the fruit ain’t right.”
Tom Brundidge: Really? [ he chuckles ] How did he get that way?
Carl Bailey: Well, that’s for me to know, and you to find out.
Tom Brundidge: Look! Can someone tell me something about my father?!
Innkeeper: Folks don’t much like talking about Ned Brundidge. He was the first islander to marry a girl fom the mainland. Yeah, when they, uh, fell in love, we warned them against it, but their marriage didn’t last, either. A year later, he came back to the island a deflated man. He proceeded to drink himself to an early grave.
Tom Brundidge: I — I don’t understand. Why didn’t my aunt tell me any of this?
Innkeeper: Well… that’s for your aunt to know, and you to find out. I suggest you go up to bed now.
Tom Brundidge: Oh, that’s a good idea. Now, which room is mine?
Innkeeper: Maybe it’s Room 11, maybe it’s not!
Tom Brundidge: Well… I’ll just go up to Room 11 and see if my luggage is there. Good night!
[ everyone bids Tom good night as he heads upstairs ]
Carl Bailey: Nice fella.
Brundidge Bailey: I don’t know. Didn’t he strike you as a bit of an odd bird?
Carl Bailey: Maybe he did. But then again, maybe he didn’t.
Innkeeper: Well… that’s for you to know, and you to find out. [ holding up a plate of cookies ] Surprise, everybody! Pepperidge Farm!
[ she distributes the cookies, as everyone hops closer to the plate ]
[ dissolve back to Tom on the ferry ]
Tom Brundidge V/O: As my ferry steams toward the craggy main coast, I ask myself: “Has it really been three years?” Of my conversations with Aunt Hannah, more in Chapter Two. But I can only say she was the most difficult person to talk to on the island. And I realize that the only mystery is how I could have spent three years on… Toad Island.
…..Jane Curtin …..Bill Murray Jack Van Arks…..Al Franken Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening. I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news. Our top story tonight:
The Chase Manhattan Bank, this week, raised its prime lending rate to 100%. A bank spokesperson said that the move eliminates the need for computers, calculators, clerks and accountants. All the bank needs is somebody around who can multiply by two.
Campaigning in Chicago this week, presidential contender Ted Kennedy was hit in the left shoulder with an egg. Ironically, his motorcade had just passed the Illinois Egg Depository.
A disappointing turnout greeted folk singer Joan Baez as she began her tour of refugee camps in Thailand. Promoters of the tour said the light attendance was possibly due to the price of tickets, which were scaled from $17.50 to $30.
Jane Curtin: Bill?
Bill Murray: Last week, the World Health Organization announced that smallpox had finally been wiped off the face of the Earth. We’re sorry to report that today it broke out at the other end: Buffalo, New York. Get well soon, Buffalo.
Rosalind Carter was in Thailand this week, where she visited a camp of sick and starving Cambodian refugees. Mrs. Carter said that, as a mother, the experience was emotionally overwhleming, and pledged to raise American consciousness of the situation by starving her own daughter, Amy.
Bill Murray: Jane?
Jane Curtin: It has been brought to our attention that in a recent “Weekend Update” editorial, we offended a good portion of our audience by claiming that all Black people have gotten consistently poor grades in Geography. Well, we’re sorry. What we meant to say was: All Black people look like Charles Kuralt.
This week, “Weekend Update” is debuting a new feature: “Your Turn”, in which we welcome concerned citizens to express their views on issues in our society. Today, to speak on behalf of the chemical industry, is industry spokesman Jack Van Arks. Jack?
Jack Van Arks: Thank you, Jane. You know, these days, a lot of people think that anything chemical is bad! And anything natural is good! Now, what these people forget is that nature IS chemical! Now, one of the reasons I think people have this prejudice against chemistry, is that it was such a difficult subject in school! I admit it myself. That’s why I majored in Public Relations! Believe me, I’m a lot better at communicating with people than I am at figuring out complicated equations and formulas! [ he snickers ] Now, the other day, I was eating lunch at a chemical factory when one of the lab scientists said to me, “Jack, you want some sodium chloride on your baked potato?” And I said, “Whoa-oa! Keep your lab chemicals away from my food!” And he said, “Jack! Sodium chloride! NaCl!” And I said, “I don’t care what you call it, I don’t want any sodium chloride near my potato!” Well, you know what sodium chloride turned out to be? [ he picks up a salt shaker ] Simple table salt! [ he sprinkles some in the lam of his hand, then chugs it into his mouth ] Pretty harmless! Well… no sooner is that amusing episode over, when I say, “Boy! My soup sure is hot!” And this chemist says, “Why don’t you put some dihydrogen oxide in it?” And I said, “Dihydrogen oxide? Sounds pretty ominous to me!” And he said, “Dihydrogen oxide. H2O.” Well, even I know what H2O is! Simple water. Well, I guess eating would be kind of boring without old NaCl, and life would be pretty near impossible without… dihydrogen oxide! So, you see — without chemicals, life would be boring AND impossible! Jane?
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Jack. Hey, Jack — how would you like a glass of H2SO4? [ she hands him a glass of clear liquid ]
Jack Van Arks: Oh, sure, Jane! What, uh — what is H2SO4, Jane? [ he takes a sip ]
Jane Curtin: [ laughing ] Well, it’s nothing more than simple household… sulfuric acid.
[ Jack Van Arks chokes violently on the sulfuric acid and collapses to the floor ]
Jane Curtin: The Pentagon announced that yesterday afternoon a computer malfunction sent out a false alert of a Soviet missile attack, causing ten U.S. and Canadian jet interceptors to take off from their bases. The foul-up was corrected within six minutes. The false alert never reached President Carter, Defense Secretary Harold Brown, or General David Jones, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. However, strangely enough, the report did reach Allen Ludden and Betty White, singer Roy Clarke, and the entire cast of “Sweeney Todd”.
Bill?
Bill Murray: Testifying before a Senate economic committee this week, Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Volcker said that balancing the federal budget was “as easy as smoking a cigar through your forehead.”
The results of the first Weekend Update Glickman Poll for presidential hopefuls were released today. Our staff sampling revealed the following figures: Carter, 33 1/3%; Kenendy, 33 1/3%; and Glickman, 33 1/3%. Good luck, Glick!
Bill Murray: And the Pope announced on Friday that the Central Government of the Cathoic Church is in serious financial trouble, and expects a budget deficit this year of $20.2 million. It seems that repurcussions have even reached as far as the Find the Popes in the Pizza contest. Here with the details, is Father Guido Sarducci. Father Sarducci?
Father Guido Sarducci: The response from the Find the Popes in the Pizza contest has just been fantastic. Over 50 million entries came in to NBC, and then was transported to the Vatican. And, in Rome, it’s just madness — everyone was delighted by the amount of the entries. But, also, it made a little problem for us, to tell the truth. We thought one, maybe two people, would be able to find all of the 264 Popes in the pizza. I mean, it was only on for thirty seconds on the screen. But the judges, they found that out of 50 million entries, almost 2,000 people found ALL of the Popes. And, as you know, I did promise that the winner would get to have this button. [ he holds up button ] It says: “I Saw the Pope On TV.” But, most unfortunately, we’re just not in a financial position at the present time to make up 2,000 buttons. It’s just not a burden that we can take on our shoulders at the present time. [ he reaches for a raffle hopper ] So what I’m gonna do, I got all of the finalists in here — all 2,000 winners — in this hopper, and i’m gonna mix up these letters and pick out ONE winner who gets to have the button. [ he stands up and grabs the crank ] Okay, all of these letters. Isn’t it amazing? But this is nothing compared to the letters that came into the mailroom. They just came in by the TON. You should have seen them, just coming in. We got this film, if we can roll it. Let me show you all the letters that —
[ cut to film footage of a mailroom attendant shaking letters out of a mailbag ]
Father Guido Sarducci V/O: There it is! Look at it! Look at that fella! They said that’s more letters than NBC got after they canceled “Bonanza”. Letters from all over the world, some even as far away as Japan and Mexico. Look at all of those letters, I’m-a telling you! Find the Popes in the Pizza… Find the Popes in the Pizza… another one… another one… that’s another one there… another one… that’s another one… Watch this! He finds this one letter, doesn’t know what to do with it. It’s for Belushi. “Return to Sender! Address Unknown!”
[ cut to film footage of NBC switchboard ]
Father Guido Sarducci V/O: That’s the NBC switchboard — all the people calling in, making sure they had the correct address.
[ cut to film footage of a crowd of people ]
Father Guido Sarducci V/O: Then, about a week ago, all kinds of people started showing up at St. Peter’s Piazza. Everybody wanted to be there when they named the winner.. Too bad it didn’t happen there, but there was a real fun in the air. It reminded me of Woodstock. It was really exciting. There was some counter demonstrations from the Italian Presbyterians. They were jealous because they don’t have their own Pope. They got a real chip on their shoulders. Look at that, see that? That’s a Presbyterian Salute. And that’s to you, too, Buddy! You know where you can-a put it.
[ return to the news desk ]
Father Guido Sarducci: Well… this is it! This is it now! Let’s-a see who’s gonna win this thing. I’m pretty excited. [ he pulls out a letter ] This is the winner! This name, it’s a him. His name is Wolf Zimmermann, from Evanston, Illinois. Congratulations, Wolf! [ the audience applauds ] Wolf, I take-a my hat off, symbolically, to you. And to all of the people who entered and didn’t win, I would like to say: “Thank you for entering, I’m sorry that you didn’t win.” You know, what are you gonna do? It’s just a contest, right? You know, someday, maybe there’ll be another contest. [ he picks up the button ] Wolf, I’m gonna send this in the mail to you, you know, just as soon as I get around to it. It weighs pretty much — I don’t know where I’m gonna get the money to mail it. You know, Wolf, maybe you could send me a couple of bucks, just to cover postage — $5, $6… $10, for sure, ought to be plenty. And to those of you who didn’t win, once again, I would liek to tell you the words of, I think it was Saint Matthew, who said: “It is probably better to have entered and lost, than not to have entered at all.” Arriverderci, America!
Bill Murray: That’s the news. We hope our buddy Al Camoin is feeling better. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 5: Episode 5 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 17th, 1979 Bea Arthur The Roches None Andy Kaufman Reagan’s Nap ScheduleSummary: Ronald Reagan’s advisor (Harry Shearer) runs down his schedule as (Laraine Newman) removes his make-up. Transcript
Montage
Bea Arthur’s MonologueSummary: Bea Arthur gets pianist Paul Shaffer’s heart racing with a rendition of “Let Me Love You”. Transcript
Spud BeerSummary: The beer of choice among boat people with no place to go.
First He CriesSummary: When Irene (Gilda Radner) loses a breast due to cancer, the aftermath is hardest on her husband Larry (Bill Murray). Transcript
Drop OutSummary: When Tommy (Tom Davis) declares he doesn’t feel like going to school, his dad (Bill Murray) decides to show him and stays home from work, thus setting off a chain reaction that results in the Soviets taking over America. Transcript
The Roches perform “Bobby’s Song”
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Science editor Dr. Al Franken experiments with cruel and unusual ways to kill cockroaches. Transcript
Aunt Judy’s BasementSummary: During Thanksgiving dinner at Aunt Judy’s (Bea Arthur), adult siblings and cousins (Jane Curtin, Laraine Newman, Bill Murray, Paul Shaffer) continue to be relegated to the kiddie table in the basement and act in an appropriately childish manner. Transcript
Woman To WomanSummary: Ultra-feminist Connie Carson (Gilda Radner) tries to discredit her elderly guest (Bea Arthur) for having raised perfect children while still managing a satisfactory in-home career. Recurring Characters: Connie Carson. Transcript
SaveCoSummary: Tom Clay (Harry Shearer) recalled government products being offered for a fraction of the original costs. Recurring Characters: Tom Clay. Transcript
Backer’s AuditionSummary: Musicians Teddy Naddler (Harry Shearer) and Andrew Mazelle (Paul Shaffer) sell a group of backers on the idea of financing a Broadway rock-musical about Charles Manson. Transcript
Mr. Bill Builds A HouseSummary: In a film by Walter Williams, Mr. Bill encounters construction mishaps at the hands of Mr. Hands and Sluggo the insurance agent. Transcript
Los Beatolos CubanosSummary: Latin band (Pater Aykroyd, Garrett Morris, Tom Schiller, Paul Shaffer) performs their own version of Beatles hits.
Andy Kaufman PreviewSummary: Andy Kaufman announces his challenge to have a woman wrestle him on SNL’s Christmas show. Transcript
Air Date:
Summary: Ronald Reagan’s advisor (Harry Shearer) runs down his schedule as (Laraine Newman) removes his make-up.
Summary: Bea Arthur gets pianist Paul Shaffer’s heart racing with a rendition of “Let Me Love You”.
Summary: The beer of choice among boat people with no place to go.
Summary: When Irene (Gilda Radner) loses a breast due to cancer, the aftermath is hardest on her husband Larry (Bill Murray).
Summary: When Tommy (Tom Davis) declares he doesn’t feel like going to school, his dad (Bill Murray) decides to show him and stays home from work, thus setting off a chain reaction that results in the Soviets taking over America.
Summary: Science editor Dr. Al Franken experiments with cruel and unusual ways to kill cockroaches.
Summary: During Thanksgiving dinner at Aunt Judy’s (Bea Arthur), adult siblings and cousins (Jane Curtin, Laraine Newman, Bill Murray, Paul Shaffer) continue to be relegated to the kiddie table in the basement and act in an appropriately childish manner.
Summary: Ultra-feminist Connie Carson (Gilda Radner) tries to discredit her elderly guest (Bea Arthur) for having raised perfect children while still managing a satisfactory in-home career.
Summary: Tom Clay (Harry Shearer) recalled government products being offered for a fraction of the original costs.
Summary: Musicians Teddy Naddler (Harry Shearer) and Andrew Mazelle (Paul Shaffer) sell a group of backers on the idea of financing a Broadway rock-musical about Charles Manson.
Summary: In a film by Walter Williams, Mr. Bill encounters construction mishaps at the hands of Mr. Hands and Sluggo the insurance agent.
Summary: Latin band (Pater Aykroyd, Garrett Morris, Tom Schiller, Paul Shaffer) performs their own version of Beatles hits.
Summary: Andy Kaufman announces his challenge to have a woman wrestle him on SNL’s Christmas show.
