79e: Bea Arthur / The Roches
First He Cries
Written by: Al Franken & Tom Davis
Dr. Jensen.....Bea Arthur
[ open in Dr. Jensen's office ]
Dr. Jensen: Mr. and Mrs. Anderson, I'm afraid that... the biopsy came out... positive.
Irene: Then, uh -- you'll have to perform a mastectomy?
Dr. Jensen: That's right.
Larry: You mean, cut off her breast?
Dr. Jensen: I'm afraid so.
Larry: [ looking up to the heavens ] Why me..? GOD!! Why ME..?!
[ title appears over freeze-frame ]
Announcer: "First He Cries". [ over SCROLL ] "The following docu-drama deals with a senstive social issue: mastectomy and its psychological effects on the men who must endure the anguish of living with "half a woman".
[ dissolve to room at Mercy Hospital ]
Irene: So -- [ laughing ] before I went under, I said to Dr. Jensen: "Will I stillbe able to play the violin?" And she said to me, "Well, of course you will!" And I said, "That's funny -- I never could play before!"
[ the women laugh ]
Dr. Jensen: That's a true story!
Grace: Boy, Irene, you're amazing! I don't know if I could bear it.
Irene: Ohhh, really? You could, Grace. I mean, I have no choice! [ she laughs ]
Son: Oh, Mom! You're so wonderful!
[ reveal Larry, standing with his back to everyone and his arms crossed in self-pity ]
Larry: What about ME, huh?!! What about ME?!! I'm stuck with some kind of HIDEOUS, deformed FREAK!!
[ Larry storms out of the room ]
Dr. Jensen: No, no. Let him go... let him go. He needs to be by himself. Larry's been through a lot. You're all going to have to be patient with him -- especially you, Irene.
Irene: Well, wait a minute now -- I'm the one who lost a breast here.
Dr. Jensen: [ angered ] Oh, why don't you come down off your high horse?! Larry's going through HELL right now! You took away something VERY important to him!
Irene: My breast?
Dr. Jensen: Precisely! You see, breasts are very important to men -- in our culture. Women with attractive breats are considered sexually attractive, and exciting. Now, some men like round breasts... some like pointed breasts... some like large breats, some like small breasts -- although most men do prefer large breasts. But all men -- I mean, with the exception of a very, very few -- all men like their women... with two breasts.
Irene: And, to think, I've been feeling sorry for myself.
Son: Poor Dad.
Dr. Jensen: Well, I'm going to try to talk to him about it. In the meantime... think about what I said.
Irene: Thank you, Doctor, you've been wonderful.
[ Dr. Jensen exits the room ]
Grace: You know, Irene, what she said makes a lot of sense. I went in for a check-up a couple of months ago, and Bob got mad at me.
Irene: Well, that's CRAZY!
Grace: Bob is crazy -- crazy about my breasts!
[ they laugh ]
[ dissolve to Dr. Jensen's office, as Larry enters ]
Dr. Jensen: Larry, I'm very glad you could come in and talk to me today. Irene is getting out of the hospital tomorrow. It's going to be very difficult for you. You're gonna have a lot of adjustments to make.
Larry: Well, I'm glad someone's finally thinking about ME!
Dr. Jensen: Oh, come on, Larry, that's not fair! I've been thinking about you all along!
Larry: Oh, yeah -- I notice it's my wife that's getting all the medicine and all the physical therapy. What about ME?!! I'M the one who's supposed to go out in the world and face all the cruel laughter and humiliation! People poiting at me and saying, "Oh, that's him! He's the guy married to Miss Uni-Boob!"
Dr. Jensen: Larry... Larry, listen -- I'm not saying that it's going to be easy. Especially at first. But, remember, Larry: Time is the great healer.
Larry: Is the Great Healer... gonna grow another breast?! VERY FUNNY, DOCTOR!!! REAL FUNNY!!! I just wish you could WALK in my shoes!!
Dr. Jensen: I wish I could, Larry... but, being a woman... there's no way I could understand what you're going through. I can only try to... sympathize.
Larry: I don't WANT your sympathy!! I just want... my life the way it WAS, before -- ! [ he begins to weep ]
[ dissolve to a party scene ]
[ SUPER: "A Week Later" ]
Grace: Okay, now listen, everybody, I have an announcement! Okay? Larry and Irene should be here any minute. Now, this is the first time they've been out since the mastectomy, so please try not to say anything that might upset them. Okay? [ the doorbell rings ] Oh, this must be them now!
Ted: Hey, everybody. Look who's here.
[ Irene enters with Larry in tow ]
Grace: Larry! Irene! Oh, you look wonderful! It's wonderful to see you!
Irene: Oh, thanks, Joan! It's so great to get out!
Ted: So, Larry, my man! How you feeling?
Larry: What's that supposed to mean?!
Ted: Irene? Would you mind if Larry and I talked alone for just a second?
Irene: Oh, sure, Ted.
Ted: Hey, Lar -- I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that all the guys are snickering at you behind your back because... Irene only has one breast. Well, let me tell you something -- NOTHING could be further from the truth.
Larry: Yeah, I'll bet!
Friend: Hey, you guys? You want to go down to the rec room? There's a football game on the BOOB tube! You know? [ Larry gives him a dirty look ] Uhhh -- I think I'll get one of those melon balls.
Ted: Listen, Larry... Larry...
[ an attractive youg woman bumps into Larry ]
Bambi: Oh! Hi!
Ted: Oh, Larry -- I want you to meet my niece... Bambi.
Larry: [ impressed ] Well, hello, Bambi!
Bambi: Hi, Larry. You know, I heard what you've been through, and I want you to know if there's anything I can do to help, don't hesitate to ask me.
Larry: Well... it would be nice just to talk to someone... at a motel or something like that. Have you ever seen a Ramada Inn?
Bambi: A Ramada Inn?
Larry: Come on, let's go.
[ they walk off together, as Irene and Grace watch ]
Grace: Are you just going to let him walk out with her?!
Irene: Well, uh... if that's what Larry wants and needs right now, I say let him try it. It's something he obviously needs to work out.
Grace: Irene... you're amazing!
[ they share the laugh, as Irene looks down rejectedly ]
[ dissolve to Dr. Jensen's office ]
[ SUPER: "Six Months Later" ]
Larry: Well... the first couple of months with Bambi were great -- the sex... and I'd never been to Europe before. And, of course, the sex. But... lately, I don't know. She's so young. She thinks The Beatles were McCartney's first back-up group. There's just not much to talk to her about. There's something missing.
Dr. Jensen: Maybe that something is... Irene.
Larry: But she's half a woman!
Dr. Jensen: Oh, come on, Larry! You can't still believe that! There's MORE to a woman than BREASTS!
Okay... she's two-thirds of a woman.
Dr. Jensen: Larry, come on. Come on now! [ she pulls down a wall chart ] Now, Larry, what about the rear?
Larry: Yeah... right.
Dr. Jensen: And what about the legs?
Larry: Uh -- Irene, I must admit, has real nice gams.
Dr. Jensen: You see? And don't forget the nape of the neck, and the tummy. Now don't forget those.
Larry: I see what you mean, now. I can't believe I've been so blind. [ music pots up ] There's no reason I can't enjoy sex with Irene -- and, since we've known each other for so long and have a family, there's LOTS of things we can talk about. If only she'd take me back.
[ Dr. Jensen opens the door ]
Dr. Jensen: Irene, you can come in now.
Larry: [ relieved ] You mean...?
Dr. Jensen: Yes.
Irene: Larry... I heard what you said, and... I love you!
Larry: God, I love you, too!
[ they hug ]
Dr. Jensen: Now, go home, you kids, and do what you must.
Larry: Thanks, Doc.
[ freeze-frame, as Larry holds his hand behind Irene's ass and the theme song plays ]
His wife lost a breast
and now he'll face the test
But first he cries
He'll make adjustments later.
First he cries.
He'll make adjustments laterrrrr!"
[ SUPER: "Funds for "FIRST HE CRIES" were provided by grants from the following corporations:
The Playboy Foundation
Russ Meyer Pictures
The Jane Russell Institute for Full-Figured Women
Lily Cups Company
America Hooter Society" ]
[ fade ]