Category: 1979

Grievance Board

Executive #1…..Bill Murray
Miss Hoben…..Jane Curtin
Mr. Kramer…..Ted Knight
Executive #2…..Harry Shearer
Executive #3…..Garrett Morris
Miss Crane…..Gilda Radner

[ open on interior, Grievance Board Room ]

Executive #1: Hello, Miss Hoban. First, I’d like to.. we’d all like to thank you for bringing your complaint to the Grievance Board. Sexual harrassment is an important problem to any public corporation like Chudd, and we feel a responsibility to nip this in the bud.

Executive #3: Mmm-hmm.

Miss Hoban: Well, I’m glad you feel that way, Mr. Merkan. As a matter of fact, I was a little nervous about coming here, and telling you all the sordid details.

Executive #1: Nonsense. We love the sordid details! But, seriously, we’d like you just to sit down and relax, please make yourself at home, and everything is going to be kept strictly confidential. But please speak freely.

Miss Hoban: [ composes herself ] Well, ever since I’ve started working with Mr. Kramer, he’s been making sexual advances.

Executive #1: Such as?

Miss Hoban: Well, uh.. my first day on the job, I was on my tiptoes watering his plants, and he came up behind me and rubbed aganst me. I was so shocked, I couldn’t say anything.

Executive #1: Well, I can understand that.

Miss Hoban: Then, the next day, I was taking dictation.. and he dropped a paper clip down the front of my blouse, and offered to get it.

Executive #1: That’s not very fun. Is it?

Miss Hoban: Then, the next week, he turned up the heat on the radiator – all the way up – and he gave me dictation in the nude, pacing back and forth.

Executive #2: Well, that does go against the President’s energy guidelines.

Executive #1: Let’s not make any judgments until we’ve heard the full story. Please continue.

Miss Hoban: Well, by the third week, Mr. Kramer took me out to lunch, and asked me to go to am otel with him. He said if I’d put out, he’d give me a raise and a promotion.

Miss Crane: Well, what did you do, honey?

Miss Hoban: I refused, of course.

Miss Crane: Oh, alright.

Miss Hoban: Well, that was six months ago. And, since then, I’ve seen three other women advanced ahead of me – all of whom have slept with Mr. Kramer.

Executive #1: Well, those are pretty serious charges. I think we should probably get Mr. Kramer in here, see what he has to say to all this. [ into intercom ] Karen, honey, would you send in Mr. Kramer?

Intercom: [ sultry whisper ] You bet.

[ Mr. Kramer hastily enters the boardroom ]

Executive #1: Thank you for coming, Roger – I mean, Mr. Kramer. I’m sure you’re aware this is an inquiry, not a trial. We just want to get the facts straight, so we can understand.

Mr. Kramer: [ nervous ] First, let me say that I’m totally innocent, and I’ve never even met this woman.

Miss Hoban: Mr. Kramer, I’ve been your secretary for six months!

Mr. Kramer: Well, I’d like to see some proof of that!

Miss Hoban: Well, it just so happens that I have an old dictation tape that I think this board might be interested in. [ removes tape from purse, presses Play button ]

Mr. Kramer’s Voice: And.. I look forward to hearing from you, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Best regards, Roger A. Kramer. [ pause ] Okay, Amy – once you get that done, why don’t you take off your pants and come into my office!

Mr. Kramer: [ sweating ] Oh.. okay.. uh.. yes, I-I-I do remember you now.

Executive #1: Roger, Miss Hoben has leveled some pretty serious charges to you. She says that you are promoting only those women who give you sexual favors.

Mr. Kramer: [ stammering ] Oh, wait a minute, I think you’ve got a few things ass backwards here. I mean, if you don’t mind my saying so, sure, I admit it – I do occasionally have sex with female employees here at Chudd – sometimes in the offices during working hours, you know? I’m just a normal red-blooded American guy! But.. using promotions to get sex? [ chuckles ] That’s another thing.

Executive #1: Mr. Kramer, is it true that the only women that you’ve given promotions to in the last six months are women with whom you have had sex?

Mr. Kramer: Hey!

Executive #1: How about that, Roger?

Mr. Kramer: [ thinking ] Well.. can I help it if the most competent women in marketing happen to have a sexual attraction for me? I mean, it’s like Darwin! The sharp ones sense the power of my manhood, and want to tap my genetic storehouse!

Executive #2: He’s got a point there, Bob. I know the most competent gals in my area kind of have a little thing for me!

Executive #1: Well, Roger, I guess it gets down to this: Miss Hoban says.. that you told her that she’d get a promotion if she had sex with you. Is that true?

Mr. Kramer: Well..her word against mine?

Executive #1: I guess so.. yes.

Mr. Kramer: [ confident ] No-oh! She’s lying!

Miss Hoban: You slime! Don’t you people have any sense of decency?! Are women in this country simply prostitutes, is that it?! But instead of $50 a trick, you get an extra $500 a month? Well, if that’s the case, you’re no better than some pathetic johns wqho can’t get sex unless you’re paying for it!

Mr. Kramer: Alright. Wait.. just a minute. She’s.. she’s right.. I was lying. I.. I did tell her she’d get a promotion if she’d.. she’d put out. Um.. [ weeping pathetically ] I can’t live in shame..! [ moves over to the window, where he stares blanky at the skyline ]

[ the board murmurs among themselves ]

Executive #1: Well, at least the truth has come out. And we owe a lot to you, Miss Holman. I think you’ve given this corporation an entirely new perspective on the kind of sexual discrimination that goes on here at CHUD. And we have to thank you for that.

Miss Hoban: You’re welcome.

Executive #1: And now, Miss Crane?

Miss Crane: Yeah?

Executive #1: Will you take Miss Hoban out, and have her fill out the official grievance form, and formal complaint? A hearing will incur.. and the rest of the board will take appropriate disciplinary action against this gnetleman.

Miss Crane: Alright.

Executive #1: Thank you, gentlemen.

Miss Crane: Follow me.

[ the two women exit the room ]

[ Mr. Kramer slowly walks over to the board members ]

Mr. Kramer: [ laughs heartily with the Board ] Was that a close one?! You guys were great!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

“Java Junkie”

Written and directed by: Tom Schiller

Joe…..Peter Aykroyd
Waitress…..Teri Garr

[ SUPER: “Java Junkie” ]

[ dissolve to Joe entering his usual diner in the morning ]

Joe V/O: It was one of those mornings when nothing felt right. The night before, my girlfriend Betty said she wanted to call it quits. And I’d just been fired from my job. I felt mixed up – confused.

Waitress: Morning, Joe! How you doing? What’ll you have, the usual?

Joe: Just coffee, I’m not hungry.

Waitress: Oh, boy, that’s a switch. I never saw you pass up breakfast. One coffee, coming right up.

Joe V/O: Yeah, it was strange. I had no appetite. I just wanted coffee. Cuban, black coffee. I kept thinking about Betty, and the look on her face when she said goodbye.

[ music intensifies, as Joe orders another coffee ]

Joe V/O: I ordered a second cup; it tasted good. Then I ordered a third, and fourth. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t control myself.

[ music intensifies, as the coffee cups stack up around Joe ]

Joe V/O: Then.. I knew I had become.. a Java Junkie.

Waitress: [ echo ] Hey, Joe.. you gotta go.. You okay..?

Joe: Couln’t I just have one more cup? Please?

Waitress: Sorry, Joe. There ain’t no more. You gotta go.

[ Joe is escorted out the door, as the lights go out ]

Joe V/O: I had to pump that rich caffeine into my system, and fast!

[ Joe walks the streets in search of coffee, going from one diner to the next ]

[ visions of a prostitute holding a cup of coffee tempt Joe in his mind ]

Prostitute: [ sing-song ] Joe-oe.. have a cup of coffee, Joey-ey.. Hey, Joey! Come on, Joey! Joey!

[ Joe searches frantically for that elusive cup of coffee ]

Joe: My God! Where are you?!

Prostitute: [ laughing sadistically ]

Joe: Where are you?! Come back! I need that coffee! My coffee! I want that coffee!

[ sirens ]

Joe: Coffeeeeeeeee!!

[ slow pan across hospital complex ]

Joe V/O: Well, they found me that night, and threw me into this place – Maxwell House. A medical treatment center for caffeine addiction, where I was place under observation and treated. After seven weeks, I was fully decaffeinated, and ready to re-enter society.

[ Joe enters his old coffee shop ]

Joe V/O: When I stopped back in my old coffee shop, I was a changed man, that’s for sure.

Waitress: Joe! Long time time, no see. What’ll you have?

Joe: Just a cup of, uh, hot water, please.

Waitress: One hot water, coming right up.

Joe: Thanks!

Joe V/O: I felt like a million bucks; I got a new job, Betty said she wanted to see me again, and that old java monkey was off my back forever.

[ SUPER: “THE END” ]

SNL Transcripts

A Message From Bob Kopp

Bob Kopp…..Ted Knight

[ SUPER: “A Message From Bob Kopp” ]

Bob Kopp: During this holiday season, your local police department would like to remind you to watch your handbag. And watch your wallet, keep an eye on your packages, and be sure to watch your step. Watch your mouth! Don’t be standing around, just mind your own business! Don’t go looking for trouble! Stay out of the way, don’t touch anything, don’t move anything! Bring it up, move it along, no loitering, get going or I’ll run you in! And you’d better watch out, Merry Christmas, I’m telling you what!!

Announcer: This has been a Christmas Message from your Local Police Department.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 8

79h: Ted Knight / Desmond Child & Rouge

Ted Knight’s Monologue

…..Ted Knight

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Ted Knight!

Ted Knight: [ deep-voiced ] Hi, guys! [ he chuckles heartily ] Oh!

[ Knight picks up an arrow from a stool, places it over his head, then shimmies like Steve Martin ]

[ Knight then picks up a glass of water, sips, then spits before spilling the water across the microphone ]

Oh! [ he laughs with mock embarrassment ] I spilled some!

[ Knight grabs the microphone and is comically electrocuted ]

[ he releases his grip, catches his breath, then lunges for the microphone so he can be further electrocuted as he laughs heartily ]

I LOVE IT!! [ a beat ] If I may take a moment to be serious… Steve Martin — I know you’re watching, he never misses the show — Steve, I… I hate to spring this on you this way, but — well, I hope you’re sitting down. Because this is very hard for me, and it’s… it’s not something I’m proud of, Steve. But it’s pointless to hide it any longer because… comedy genes will tell, in the end. [ he grabs the high microphone ] Would you fix this, please? [ he himself lowers it ] Thank you. [ he slips on a pair of Groucho glasses ] Steve… it’s in your blood. It’s in MY blood. It’s in OUR blood. Son. [ he removes the glasses ] That’s right, Steve — I’m your father. [ the audience laughs and cheers ] This isn’t funny! I had to come clean because it’s Christmas. Because of all those other Christmases when I couldn’t be there to help a lonely little boy in a white suit with white hair, to make him understand why he was… different. That’s right, Steve! Because, you know, in my youth I was kind of a ramblin’ guy. I rambled into Texas… and your mother. Steve — Son — Stevie! — my boy! It’s true, it’s true! All I can say to your mom and the guy who thinks he’s your dad is… “Excuuuuuuuuuuuse meeeeeee!!!”

[ the audience cheers ]

Steve, I know it’s tacky to tell you on national television, but I had to let you know. Marry Christmas, Son, from Daddy. Oh, boy! I got it off my chest! If you only knew how relieved I am! Whoo! I feel much lighter! Thanks a lot. I feel so good, from my head right down to my… HAPPY FEET!!

[ Knight breaks into Steve Martin’s “Happy Feet” dance ]

We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 8

79h: Ted Knight / Desmond Child & Rouge

Nerds’ Nativity

Mr. Dunwoody…..Ted Knight
Miss Hartwood…..Cheryl Hardwick
Barry…..Al Franken
Todd DiLaMuca…..Bill Murray
Lisa Loopner…..Gilda Radner
Donkey…..Alan Zweibel
Belinda…..Laraine Newman
Cow…..Peter Aykroyd
Mrs. Loopner…..Jane Curtin
Artie…..Paul Shaffer
Angel…..Harry Shearer
Shepherds…..Jim Downey, Tom Gammill, Max Pross
Wise Man…..Tom Davis
Grant Robinson, Jr…..Garrett Morris

[ open on Christmas pageant setting, as Mr. Dunwoody approaches the main stage ]

Mr. Dunwoody: Alright! Settle down, boys and girls! We need everyone’s cooperation! The Christmas Pageant is a tradition here, at Gus Grisham High. We’ve always put on a great show, and we’re gonna do it again NOW! Of course, we’ve missed a couple of rehearsals due to snow days… so it’s going to be rough. Now, I know you’re nervous, but that’s why we have the dress rehearsals. Okay? So let’s try to go through it with as few interruptions as possible.

Barry: [ standing ] Uh — w-what do you mean, Mr. Dunwoody?

Mr. Dunwoody: What you’re doing.

Barry: Well, thank you, Sir.

Mr. Dunwoody: Don’t be a wise guy, Barry.

Barry: But I’m playing a wise man, Sir!

[ the other teenagers groan ]

Mr. Dunwoody: You know what I mean, Barry! [ Barry sits ] Now, let’s be on our best behavior, alright? Listen to your fellow actors and… PRO-JECT!! Alright? Alright, Miss Hartwood — music, please?

[ Mr. Dunwoody steps over to the podium, as Miss Hartwood plays the piano ]

Mr. Dunwoody: “Now it came to pass in those days… that Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem… to be taxed with Mary, who was great with child.”

[ Joseph, Mary and a donkey enter the stage, as played by Todd, Lisa and Artie ]

Todd DiLaMuca: Wo! Easy there. Anybody home?! Anybody? [ Belinda enters ] Uh, yes — you got any room at the inn, or what?

Belinda: “Sorry. No room at the inn.”

Todd DiLaMuca: Oh, that’s too bad. I heard you have color TV.

Lisa Loopner: [ breaking character ] Todd! Todd, say the line!

Todd DiLaMuca: Oh, yes — But, uh, my wife… is great with pillow.

Belinda: “Anyway… there’s no room at the inn, so get your — [ stifling a laugh ] your donkey out of here!”

[ Todd cracks up laughing ]

Mr. Dunwoody: Will you step to the, uh — just stay with the script, please, or I’ll see you at detention! please! Stay with the script.

Belinda: I see your plight, and take pity on you. Come with me. [ she crosses the stage ] You can sleep here in the stable.

Cow: Moo-oo-oo-oo! Moo-oo-oo-oo!

Mr. Dunwoody: Okay, Cow! Where is your head?

Belinda: [ laughing ] He forgot it because it wasn’t attached!

[ the other teenagers laugh ]

Cow: I can’t see in it. The eye holes are in the wrong place.

Mr. Dunwoody: [ aghast ] Costumes?

[ Mrs. Loopner runs up ]

Mrs. Loopner: It’s my fault! I’m sorry, I’m sorry!

Lisa Loopner: Hi, Mom!

Mrs. Loopner: Now, the trick is… you gotta put it on… [ she places the cow head over her head ] And you look through the nostrils. See? Moo!

Mr. Dunwoody: Thank you. Thank you, Mrs. Loopner.

Mrs. Loopner: My goodness.

Lisa Loopner: You’re not taking this seriously, Todd!

Todd DiLaMuca: Yes. Well, uh… someone who may or may not be an agnostic, like myself, you know — there’s something about me that tells me that I might have a little trouble buying this pillow story of our, you know —

Mr. Dunwoody: [ sternly ] Let’s continue, shall we? Your parents will be here in 45 minutes. The REAL performance? Now, you don’t want to disappoint them, do you? Alright. You ready? [ Lisa stands ] “She brought forth her first-born son.”

[ Artie steps forward with a drum and miscued beats, as Lisa turns to remove her pillow and hold up a baby doll ]

Lisa Loopner: You’re ruining it, Artie! Come on, do it!

Mr. Dunwoody: “She wrapped him in swaddling clothes.”

Lisa Loopner: Oh, no! Somebody swiped the swaddling cloth!

[ Todd steps forward with the swaddling cloth wrapped over his head ]

Todd DiLaMuca: Oy, excuse me, Ma’am? Did you lose something…?

[ Lisa swipes the swaddling cloth from Todd’s head ]

Lisa Loopner: Oh, that’s so funny I forgot to laugh!

Mr. Dunwoody: I’m warinnig you, Todd! [ he continues ] “Then she lay Him in the manger.”

[ Lisa lays the baby doll in the manger ]

Todd DiLaMuca: Mr. Dunwoody, this looks like a girl doll to me.

Lisa Loopner: Ugh! Todd’s obviously never heard of acting!

Mr. Dunwoody: [ sternly ] Todd. I’m WARNING you! I don’t want to hear another peep out of you, alright?

Todd DiLaMuca: [ covering his mouth ] Pee-eep!

Mr. Dunwoody: I’m NOT going to warn you again, Todd! I mean it this time! Alright — shepherds, angels and sheeps, set yourselves.

[ shepherds, angels, and sheep climb on stage ]

Mr. Dunwoody: “And there were shepherds abiding the fields, watching their flocks by night. And an angel of the Lord appeared unto them.”

[ the angel stands, with a flashligh shining into his eyes ]

Mr. Dunwoody: “And the angel said unto them:…”

Angel: “Behold! I bring you glad tidings of great joy, for theere is born you this daya Savior who is Christ our Lord!”

Mr. Dunwoody: “And the shepherds said, one to another:…”

Shepherds: [ out-of-sync ] “Let us go now… onto… Bethlehem…”

[ the sheep begin to wander the stage ]

Mr. Dunwoody: Sheep! Sheep, Sheep! You’re followers, not leaders! [ he continues ] “And they found Mary and Joseph and the babe lying in the manger.” Lying in the manger!

Todd DiLaMuca: [ singing ] “Oh, hark the herald angels sing, glory to –“

Lisa Loopner: Cut it out, Todd!

Todd DiLaMuca: I can’t — I don’t have the scissors, goofy…

Lisa Loopner: You’re gonna GET IT, Todd! Mr. Dunwoody’s really getting MAD at you!

Mr. Dunwoody: Okay, DiLaMuca! That does it!

[ Artie beats the drums as Mr. Dunwoody approaches Todd ]

Mr. Dunwoody: Consider yourself warned!

[ Mr. Dunwoody retusn to his podium ]

Mr. Dunwoody: Alright. “Behold, Wise Men from the East came.” [ nothing happens ] Wise Men, where are you?!

[ Barry and Grant Robinson, Jr. run up on stage with another student playing the third Wise Man ]

Mr. Dunwoody: “Saying…” [ nothing ] Wise Men, “Saying…”

Grant Robinson,, Jr.: Uh — uh — “Where is He, that is born King of the Jews? We saw your star in the East, and are here to worship Him.”

Mr. Dunwoody: [ eyes rolling ] Well done, Wise Men. [ he continues ] “And, when they saw the child with Mary, His mother, they fell down.”

[ the Wise Men fall forward before the manger ]

Mr. Dunwoody: “And worshipped him… and offered unto him gold, frankincense, and myrrh. But, there was one who had no gift to offer… so he gave what he could.”

[ Artie begins to pound an extended beat onto his drum ]

Mr. Dunwoody: Alright. [ Artie continues ] Alright! [ Artie finishes with a rim shot ] “And when the little drummer boy was finished… they all gathered round the Baby Jesus and his mother, and silently adored him.”

[ the teenagers stare down at the baby doll, heavy nasal breathing coming from among the Wise Men ]

Todd DiLaMuca: If you guys were really wise, you’d have brought some gold, frankincense and Dristan!

[ aggravated, Lisa stands ]

Lisa Loopner: Stop it! Stop it, I can’t stand this any more! This is the most beautiful of the greatest story ever told, and you’re RUINING it! We shouldn’t be acting silly like this! This is the — this is the MESSAGE of Christmas’s Peace On Earth, good will to men AND women — doesn’t that MEAN anything to ANY of you?! [ sobbing ] Well, it does to me!

Mr. Dunwoody: [ stepping forward ] Oh… now, now, now, now, now… alright.

Lisa Loopner: I’m sorry, Mr. Dunwoody, I just HAD to!

Mr. Dunwoody: Don’t — don’t cry, Mare.

Todd DiLaMuca: [ stepping forward ] Forgive me, Lisa… for acting like such a child, but you make such a perfect Mary that it’s spooky! You know? I mean, I happen to know that you’re one of the few girls here at Gus Grisham High who is, uh, physically correct for this part. Well, Lisa, I hope you find some forgiveness in your heart when I say that I’d love nothing more than to… [ singing, as he pounds her head ] Deck your head with Christmas noogies! That’s right, my dear — a little early this year, my dear!

Mr. Dunwoody: [ giving up ] Miss Hartwood? Miss Hartwood, let’s have the music for the finale, please! [ she begins to play the piano ] Now, sing out, everybody — animals, too!

[ the entire group breaks into a Christmas carol, as the camera pulls back on the scene and we FADE ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 9


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


January 26th, 1980

Teri Garr

The B-52s

None

John Anderson

Akira Yoshimura

Sarah Paley

Max Pross
Sarducci in TokyoSummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) is jailed in his attempt to land an interview with Paul McCartney in Tokyo.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Transcript

Montage

Teri Garr’s MonologueSummary: Teri Garr is anxious to get her hosting duties started.

Transcript

Craig’s Traveler’s ChecksSummary: You can enjoy a worry-free vacation even if you lose Craig’s (Jim Downey) Traveler’s Checks, because he never leaves his apartment.

Note: Repeat from 79a.

CaucusSummary: Desperate for votes in Iowa, George Bush (Jim Downey), Ted Kennedy (Bill Murray), and other presidential candidates perform odd chores for Mrs. Volger (Teri Garr).

Recurring Characters: George Bush, Ted Kennedy, Rosalynn Carter.

Transcript

Debs Behind BarsSummary: Spoiled rich girls find that life in prison is tough and a major bummer.

Transcript

The B-52’s perform “Rock Lobster”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Sports commentator “Big” Vic Ricker (Harry Shearer) discusses the Olympic boycott. Laraine Newman interviews colleg student Scott Gunderson (Peter Aykroyd) about the military draft. Al Franken updates America on his decade and advises them to buy gold in order to further his own gold investments.

Recurring Characters: Vic Ricker.

Anchovy Council of AmericaSummary: Members of the Anchovy Council seek outside suggestions for improving anchovy use throughout America.

Bad PlayhouseSummary: Lady Pinth-Garnell (Laraine Newman) presents a bad production of “The Great Mr. Potato Head Famine”.

Recurring Characters: Ronnie Bateman.

Baby MogulSummary: Baby mogul Paula Kirsch (Laraine Newman) wants to cast her mother (Teri Garr) in Marilyn Mazelman’s (Gilda Radner) “Little Bo Peep” picture.

The Mr. Bill ShowSummary: Psychiatrist Mr. Hands helps Mr. Bill off of Skid Row by hypnotizing him into visits of past traumas.

Transcript

The B-52’s perform “Dance This Mess Around”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 9

79i: Teri Garr / The B-52’s

Caucus

George Bush…..Jim Downey
Mrs. Volger…..Teri Garr
Ted Kennedy…..Bill Murray
John Connally…..Tom Davis
Kimberly…..Gilda Radner
Rosalynn Carter…..Laraine Newman
Police Officer…..Garrett Morris
Howard Baker…..Brian Doyle-Murray
…..John B. Anderson

[ open on exterior, Iowa farmhouse in the snow ]

Announcer: If anyone doubts that democracy still exists in America, let him look to the Iowa Precinct Caucuses, where individual households were able to participate in a meaningful way… in the process of choosing the next president of the United States.

[ SUPER: “Somewhere Near Mason City, Iowa – January 19, 1980” ]

[ dissolve to interior, farmhouse ]

[ Mrs. Volger sits on the couch, reading, as apron-clad George Bush enters carrying a load of laundry ]

George Bush: Mrs. Volger, I finished the wash, but I’m afraid I couldn’t get the jelly stain out of Kimberly’s clothes.

Mrs. Volger: Oh, Mr. Bush. You folded it. Such a dear. You know, I could have oe of the other candidates take that upstairs and put it away.

[ SUPER: “George Bush – Republican” ]

George Bush: No. I’m not the sort of person who starts a job and walks away from it. I took the laundry downstairs, I sorted it, I washed it, I dried it, I folded it; now, I want to put it away!

Mrs. Volger: Very nice of you.

[ Bush exits the living room, as Ted Kenendy enters through the front door carrying a snowshovel ]

[ SUPER: “Edward Kennedy – Democrat” ]

Ted Kennedy: Uh… Mrs. Volger, I, uh… I, uh, shoveled all the snow off the, uh, driveway. If the county snowplow dosn’t come by and, you know, plow the driveway and cover it up, your husband should have no trouble getting out of the, uh, garage.

Mrs. Volger: Well, are you alright?

Ted Kennedy: Well, I, uh… I, uh, slipped on the, uh, ince, and I seem to have, uh, reinjured my back.

Mrs. Volger: Oh. I’m sorry.

[ John Connally enters from the machine ]

John Connally: Uh… Mrs. Volger? Where do you keep the saucepans at?

Mrs. Volger: All the pans go in the cabinet under the stove.

[ SUPER: “John Connally – Republican” ]

John Connally: Alright. Uh, Senator Baker and I are just about through doing the dishes. Say, uh — What’s the matter with Senator Kennedy?

Mrs. Volger: Oh. He, uh… he slipped on the ice.

John Connally: You know… I’ve done a lot of traveling in this campaign, talking to folks all around this country… and there’s two things that keep coming up again and again. The American people do not want a president who’s too old to do the job, nor do they want a president who is simply accident-prone!

[ Kimberly enters, whining ]

Kimberly: Mom!

Mrs. Volger: Yes, Honey?

Kimberly: Mom, I have this Math test tomorrow, and I don’t know what to do, I don’t understand it!

Ted Kennedy: [ leaning in ] Uhhh — Is it multiplication, division and so forth?

Kimberly: Yeah!

Ted Kennedy: Well, I’m a little bit rusty in that are, but I, uh, would be happy to, uh, take the test for you.

Kimberly: Would you?! [ she hands her textbook over to him ]

Mrs. Volger: Uh, Senator… [ she retrieves the textbook ] Thank you, really, but I think this is something little Kimberly should do on her own.

Kimberly: Oh, Mom, come on! Come on!

John Connally: Kimberly? How would you like your very own pony?

Kimberly: Oh, would I! A pony! Great!

Mrs. Volger: Uh — Now, Governor Connally, Senator Kennedy… When our family agreed to meet the candidates personally, we had an understanding that certain kinds of campaigning were definitely off-limits, and I’m afraid — [ the phone rings ] Oh. Excuse me.

[ the candidates surround Kimberly as Mrs. Volger answers the phone ]

Mrs. Volger: Hello? Yes, Mr. President. Oh, yes, I tihnk she’ll do alright on her exam tomorrow, uh-huh. Oh, Amy was VERY helpful, she was. Uh-huh. Oh, um, I understand that you couldn’t make it, uh-huh, I do. Uh, look, Mr. President — uh, I hate to be rude, but we can’t keep tying up the line this way, so, um… Oh, yes, she’s here! She’s in scrubbing the bathorom floor. Uh, I’ll get her. Just a minute. [ calling out ] Rosalynn? Telephone!

[ Rosalynn Carter rushes out ]

Rosalynn Carter: For me?

Mrs. Volger: Uh, yes, it’s the President again.

Rosalynn Carter: Oh, goodie! [ she grabs the phone ] Hi, honey! Yes, they understand — You have to be in Washington. Well, I was just scrubbing the bathroom floor with Congressman Crane. Honey, you know, that man is so full of — Well, he’s just about the freshest man I’ve ever met. It’s really unbelievable. Oh, don’t worry — I’ll just tell him to keep his hands to himself. Uh, yes, we really should get off. Uh-huh. I love you, too! We’re gonna win! [ she giggles coquettishly ] Bye bye! [ she hangs up and turns to Mrs. Volger ] Well, Jimmy says he’ll try to call you tomorrow to find out how Kimberly does on the test. Now, is there anything else I can do for you?

Mrs. Volger: Well, my daughter Ellen should be finished with band practice soon. You could take the car and pick her up.

Ted Kennedy: Uh… I, uh, would be, uh, glad to take the car and pick her up.

Mrs. Volger: Uhhh… No, Senator Kennedy, I think… I think it would be better if Rosalynn took the car. Why don’t you just rest your back, relax here for a while?

Ted Kennedy: Okay. Fine.

Rosalynn Carter: I’ll be back in half-an-hour.

Mrs. Volger: Alright. Thank you.

[ Rosalynn Carter exits the house, as George Bush re-enters the front room ]

George Bush: Mrs. Volger?

Mrs. Volger: Yes?

George Bush: I took all the sheets and towels and put them in the hall closet. I took the socks, sorted them, put them in the drawer. THere was some underwear — I didn’t know whose it was, so I left it on the bed.

Mrs. Volger: Oh… well, uh, Mr. Bush, you have been running around all day like a madman! Why don’t you sit down and rest for a while?

George Bush: No. That is just not my style. Let the other candidates rest. I look around the house and I see SO MUCH that needs doing! So much change that needs to be done! You know… when I was bringing in the kids’ bikes from the garage the other day, I noticed some paint peeling on the house. Now, we could all get up early in the morning, we could drop a tarp, we could start scraping, we could start painting… we could paint that house, we could get the job done!

Ted Kennedy: [ standing ] Uh, I-I couldn’t help overhearing Mr. Bush’s proposal, uh… I would like to say that I think it is unwise to, uh, attemtp to paint the house, uh, at this time of the year.

John Connally: [ jumping in ] For once, I’d like to, uh, AGREE with Senator Kennedy. Like we like to say in Texas, it’s just too damn cold!

Mrs. Volger: [ laughing ] I see!

[ the doorbell rings ]

[ Mrs. Volger opens the door to reveal a police officer ]

Mrs. Volger: Oh! Come in, Officer.

Police Officer: Hey, I’m sorry to bother, Mrs. Volger, but we had a report that Congressman John B. Adam — Anderson, rather, excuse me! — was sighted in the area. Uh, we had to check it out. Have you seen him, by any chance?

Mrs. Volger: Well, Officer, we have ALL of the candidates here in the last two days, but I haven’t seen Congressman Anderson at all. Do you happen to know what he looks like?

Police Officer: I’m afraid I don’t, Ma’am. We don’t even have enough on him to do a composite sketch.

Mrs. Volger: I see. [ to her guests ] Well, has anyone here seen Congressman Anderson?

Politicians: No… no… no…

Kimberly: Mom? Isn’t that Congressman Anderson cleaning out the humidifier upstairs?

Mrs. Volger: Oh! [ she laughs ] No, honey, that’s Senator Dole! I’m sorry I can’t be of much help, Officer. If we see anyone that we don’t recognize, we’ll will let you know.

Police Officer: Uh, thanks, Ma’am. And here’s a number to call.

Mrs. Volger: Oh. Thank you.

[ the Officer exits, as Howard Baker enters from the kitchen ]

[ SUPER: “Sen. Howard Baker – Republican” ]

Howard Baker: Uh, Mrs. Volger? I finished washing the dishes. If Governor Connally would be good enough to dry them — as he promised — we could get on to other, more important tasks.

John Connally: [ grabbing a glass from Baker ] Well, for a man who’d like to run this country’s government, you do a DAMN poor job of washing glasses!

Howard Baker: Well, I’ll tell you something, my friend: It happens to be VERY difficult to concentrate on washing a water glass when you’re concerned about the FATE of FIFTY American hostages over in Iran!

Mrs. Volger: Now, Senator Baker! I think we’re all — ALL the candidates are concerned about the hostages in Iran —

Howard Baker: Not as much as ME!! Not as much as ME!!

[ suddenly, Governor Connally drops the water glass he was drying ]

John Connally: Oh, look at me!

Ted Kennedy: That’s a, uh, smooth move, Mr. Connally. Uhhh… maybe i’m not, uh, not the only candidate who is, uh, accident-prone around here!

John Connally: Well, nobody DROWNED, did they?! I didn’t see little Kimberly, here, DROWN because I dropped the glass!

Ted Kennedy: You’re gonna pay for that!

[ Kennedy starts to strangle Connally, then stops when he throws his back worse ]

Mrs. Volger: Could everyone just take it EASY?! Listen! I’m afraid if we don’t keep it down, we’re going to wake up Governor Reagan — and he needs his rest!

John Connally: Well, Kennedy started it!

Mrs. Volger: Who cares who started it? I’m sure that a year from now, we’re all gonna look back at this and, uh, laugh! A year from now!

[ Senator Kennedy laughs ]

[ dissolve to exterior of house, with irised footage of each candidate ]

Announcer: George Bush: Suffered a massive hernia while helping a New Hampshire farmer remove a tree stump from his property.

Senator Edward Kennedy: Withdrew from the race after humiliating defeat in the Massachusetts Primary.

John Connally: Forced out of the race after his indictment on two counts of first degree murder.

Senator Howard Baker: Found in a motel room during the Wisconsin Primary with Congressman Crane.

Ronald Reagan: Forced to withdraw from the race for lying about his age. He was 94.

Jimmy Carter: Re-nominated by acclimation, but lost the General Election, due to Soviet takeover of Afghanistan, Yugoslavia, France and Scotland.

John B. Anderson: Elected 40th President of the United States.

[ image opens up to reveal Anderson seated among the audience in the balcony, as the camera zooms out with sUPER: “coming up next: Summer Olympics Garage Sale” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 3

79c: Bill Russell / Chicago

Sports Hotline

Eddie McVey…..Bill Murray
Caller #1…..Tom Davis
Caller #2…..Peter Aykroyd
Caller #4…..Al Franken
…..Bill Russell

[ open on radio broadcast booth ]

Eddie McVey: This is “Sports Hotline”. I’m Eddie McVey. If there’s anything you want to know about any kind of sports, let me know, call me right now. [ he presses a button on the phone ] Hello, you’re on “Sports Hotline”!

Caller #1: Yeah, uh… Eddie?

Eddie McVey: Yeah!

Caller #1: Uhhh, this is Pete from El Camino.

Eddie McVey: Yeah, Pete — what’s your question?

Caller #1: Uhh — I’d like to know if you think taking the hedge rack out of soccer is gonna significantly, uh, change the game… or what?

Eddie McVey: Well, you know, Pete, I was against the change. The hedge rack makes for a lot of action. A stamper has to jump to avoid the bricks. You lose the hedge rack, I think you lose a lot of the beauty of the game. Sorry. [ he presses a button on the phone ] Yes — you’re on “Sports Hotline”!

Caller #2: Hi, Eddie? This is Sandy.

Eddie McVey: Yeah?

Caller #2: I want you to settle an argument for me — Two blade runners arrive at the disc at the same time. The judge gives each a red tag. Now that’s a point for every minute they’re on the field, right?

Eddie McVey: That’s right. Go on.

Caller #2: Well… what I want to know is… who gets to use the glass bat bat first, if they’ve both been tagged?

Eddie McVey: Well, it’s really quite simple, Sandy — The firt one off the field is the last one to use the bats. Does that answer your question?

Caller #2: Yeah. Thanks!

Eddie McVey: Sure. Stupid question, though! [ he presses a button on the phone ] Hello, “Sports Hotline”!

Caller #3: Eddie. What do you think of this kid, Stevens? Yuo think he’ll make it?

Eddie McVey: Well, I’ll tell you — he really showed me something last Friday. That move he put on the Taggert Twins was really something. They never even got CLOSE to putting the hood over his head. I like the way the kid plays.

Caller #3: Uh, I don’t know… I think he’s too young.

Eddie McVey: I don’t know what the Hell you know! Thanks for calling, though. [ he clicks the phone off ] I’m gonna stop for a minute here, uh, and I’d like to introduce someobdy here who’s my special guest. His name is… Bill Russell,, and, uh… he is a [ as though it’s not a real thing ] bas-ket-ball player. Uh, did I pronounce that correctly, Mr. Russell?

Bill Russell: [ incredulous ] Yeah! Right. Basket-ball.

Eddie McVey: Yeah, well, I suppose most of my listeners are kinda new to your game, Mr. Russell. I thought it would be reefreshing to explain it to them.

Bill Russell: Wat a minute! You don’t know about basketball? You run a sports hotline show, and you’ve never heard of basketball?

Eddie McVey: No, no — I’ve heard of basketball! I just don’t think a lot of people out there at home have heard of the game. I mean, it’s not like Sticks & Melons or anything?

Bill Russell: [ bewildered ] Sticks & Melons?! What’s that?!

Eddie McVey: Sticks & Melons? You don’t remember when you were a kid, Sticks & Melons? Nobody gets caught? [ mimicking ] “Oh, you don’t want to get caught holding the melon! Oh, he’s got the melon, you know?” Now we play Trellis, of course, but it’s basically the same game.

Bill Russell: Trellis? Melons? What are you talking about? This is supposed to be a sports show?

Eddie McVey: Not only is this a sports show, but I would be willing to bet that, uh, I have the most knowledgable sports listeners in all of radio. [ he grins smugly ]

Bill Russell: Really? Well, why don’t we call some of these so-called sports fans of yours?

Eddie McVey: Oh, you’re gonna end up looking like an idiot. It’s a great idea! [ he presses a button on the phone ] Alright. You want to talk to Bill Russell, former hot basketball player? Basketball, right? Goes in the basket? [ stumbling ] Dial, uh, around the basket… dial the Sports Hotline. Yes? [ he presses a button on the phone ] Sports Hotline, go ahead!

Caller #4: Uh, yeah — Mr. Russell?

Bill Russell: Yes?

Caller #4: Well, I’ve heard of basketball…

Eddie McVey: You see, Bill? You end up looking like a jerk! Go ahead.

Caller #4: Yeah. And I just wanted to know… uh… how many balls are used in a game? I mean, uh, it’s not like Rudderbat, is it?

Bill Russell: [ confused ] Rudderbat? This is your knowledgable audience?

Eddie McVey: Actually, I can understand the confusion — You see, in Rudderbat, every player has his own ball, and I would guess that, in your gme, it’s played with just one ball. Am I right?

Bill Russell: Yeah. Yeah. You’re right. There’s one ball you shoot through a hoop — or a basket — it’s called “basketball”. Now, I can’t believe I have to explain this, but, uh — have you ever seen a basketball game?

Eddie McVey: They do it in Mexico — baskets on the ground, right?

Bill Russell: Nooo. No, it’s not on the ground. In fact, it’s ten feet up in the air.

Eddie McVey: And you have to, what — put the ball through the basket? That’s to score points, or whatever?

Bill Russell: Exactly! You put the ball through the basket to score points. [ he rolls his eyes upward ]

Eddie McVey: Well, I wish we had more time, ’cause it sounds like a fun game. But there is one thing I’d like to ask you, Russell: You’re a big, tall guy, aren’t you?

Bill Russell: You might say that…

Eddie McVey: Now, now, you must have an incredible advantage for you to push the ball up through the basket.

Bill Russell: That’s right. It’s a big advantage.

Eddie McVey: By the way, what do you think of this new kid Stevens?

Bill Russell: Well, any kid who can handle those twins like that, with avoiding getting the hood blows in — I’ll tell you, he’s gotta make it. [ he shrugs ]

Eddie McVey: Couldn’t agree with you more, Bill! Thanks for coming down! This is Eddie McVey. I gotta go away. Tomorrow on “Sports Hotline”, I’m gonna be talking with Babe Tardish, who’s the cull’s sweeper for Topeka. I know every blood racquet nut, fan, aficienado is gonna want to tune in for that one. So so long, everybody, I’m gonna see you tomorrow. Eddie McVey, gotta go!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 3

79c: Bill Russell / Chicago

Barry White’s Big And Tall That’s All

Barry White…..Howard Johnson
Duke…..Bill Russell
Lonny…..Garrett Morris
Female Customer #1…..Laraine Newman
Female Customer #2…..Jane Curtin
White Man…..??
Jenny Rocker…..Gilda Radner
Ron…..Bill Murray
Black Man…..??

[ open on Barry White playing on piano ]

Barry White: Hi, I’m Barry White. If you’re a big man or a tall man, I have good news for you. Yuor days of trying to find stylish clothes at your hard-to-find size are over. One of my Barry White’s Big And Tall That’s All stores is now open in your area. So, remember: [ he plays the piano and sings ] “If you’re big / And if you’re tall / And you want style / Then don’t you stall / Come to Big And Tall That’s All.”

[ dissolve to product card ]

Announcer: Big And Tall That’s All. At Cedarcrest Mall, where parking is NEVER a problem.

[ dissolve to Duke and Lonny watching the commercial on a small TV at the Cedarcrest Mall’s Barry White’s Big And Tall That’s All store ]

Duke: You know, that commercial’s been running for a week now, and, uh, I hate to say it, but… I don’t think it’s helped one bit!

Lonny: Oh, no, no, no, no! I think it’s working, man! Now everybody knows… that we only sell for big and tall men! Only!

Duke: But we’re not advertising just so the regular-sized guys know not to come here. We’re looking for big and tall that’s all. And where are they? I want to know!

Lonny: Hey, man, look — it wasn’t my idea to invest ALL our money in this Barry White franchise! Now, I wanted to buy that Arthur Treaches over there on the turnpike! You know that!

Duke: Yeah, but who insisted on coming to this mall? It’s more like a coal mine that a mall!

Lonny: Look, don’t worry, Duke — the commercial will WORK! Man, I bet there are THOUSANDS of big and tall men who have SEEN our commercial, baby!

Duke: No, no. Probably a lot of tall guys saw it. But I don’t know about the big ones. Yuo see, one of those advertising guys told me that a lot of fat people — I’m sorry — a lot of BIG people, they never get to see commercials… because that’s when they get up to go to the refrigerator. And he says if we want to get to the BIG people… we’ll have to advertise on milk cartons.

Lonny: Now, why didn’t you tell me Eddie said that, man? Why idn’t you tell me he said that?

Duke: Well, Lonny, I didn’t want to tell you because, uh, I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, because I know how sensitive you are about your size.

[ Lonny saunters away, hurt, as two female customers enter ]

Female Customer #1: Hi! Is the store for, uh, fat men?

Duke: We feature clothes for big and tall people.

Female Customer #2: Yeah, well, we need a belt for a FAT man. you know? Do you have something, uhhhh, for someone with about like a… 44-inch stomach?

Duke: [ he holds up a belt ] Well, now, uh — we’ve got a belt here, but it’s, uh, 48. But you can, uh… put some more holes in it.

Female Customer #2: [ examining the belt ] That looks like a belt for a weather balloon!

Female Customer #1: [ laughing ] Can you imagine the pork butt that’s gonna fit around!

Female Customer #2: It makes me SICK just thinking about it.

Female Customer #1: Listen, uh — is there another men’s store in this mall?

Duke: Uh — there used to be another one. This is the only one now, because, uh… Floyd Hunger had a men’s shop down there, but, uh, they had a fire about a month ago and, uh, they’re not open any more.

Female Customer #2: [ to her friend ] Why don’t we just get him some aftershave, okay?

Female Customer #1: Good idea.

Female Customer #2: Yeah.

[ they turn to leave ]

Lonny: Okay, why don’t you try over at Clifford’s? There’s a lot of nice skinny people working over there.

[ they exit, as a big and tall white man enters ]

Lonny: Heyyy! Welcome to our store! Come on in!

White Man: Do you have any Size 54 suits with vests?

Lonny: We have a whole selection of 54s! You have come to the right store! Now, how did you hear about us? Did you see our ad on TV?

[ Duke steps forward with a Size 54 suit and vest ]

White Man: Uh, no. I heard some people talking about it.

Lonny: Well, do you remember what it was? Was it on Tv, then?

White Man: I don’t remember exactly where it was. I think, maybe, it was at Mr. Doland. Uh, no, no — I think it was a Dairy Queen!

Lonny: Ah, Dairy Queen. Aha. Uh, yeah, uh — try this on, man. This is just the style.

White Man: This isn’t really what I had in mind…

Duke: Oh, yeah. That’d look cool on you. You gotta try this on. You GOT to try this! [ he removes the man’s jacket and puts their jacket on him ]

Lonny: Look at that, look at that! Look at that, it’s perfect! It’s perfect!

Duke: It looks like you lost thirty pounds, just putting it on.

Lonny: Yeah, man! You ought to buy Barry White all the time!

White Man: I like the fit… but I think the style just isn’t right.

Lonny: Why don’t you try on the pants, man?

White Man: Uhhh — I gotta go. I gotta go. I left my dog in the car.

Lonny: Well, you could bring him in here! I mean, we’ll take care of him, man! You know, we’ll take him while you try on a suit!

White Man: Okay. I might do that. Uhhh — I might come back… if he’s not tired. [ he grabs his jacket and rushes out ] He’s not tired…

Duke: Well… I thought we had one there.

Lonny: He might be BACK, man, if his DOG’S not tired! I’m SURE he’ll be back!

[ Jenny rocker and Ron enter ]

Jenny Rocker: Hi, Duke! Hi, Lonny! Hi!

Duke: You just getting back?

Jenny Rocker: Oh, yeah. We had to wait a long time to see him.

Ron: It was the first time I ever gave a haircut in jail! I’ve given them in hospitals and mortuaries, offices — Floyd was my first jail haircut!

Duke: How are his spirits?

Lonny: I can’t believe it — Floyd Hunger in the slammer.

Jenny Rocker: Right.

Ron: He’s in pretty good shape, considering the charges. You know, arson is not a petty crime. You know, I’ll bet the styles are gonna be altogether different by the time he gets out and starts selling suits again.

Jenny Rocker: Oh, right — he wanted me to thank you for the Barry White poster. He said that it was a big hit down there!

Lonny: He wasn’t mad at you, Jenny?

Jenny Rocker: Oh, no — he understood. You know how wonderful Floyd is. I feel terrible.

Ron: Come on, Jenny… forget it, it wasn’t your fault. If I were Floyd’s neighbor, and I saw his garage light on at three in the morning, I would have thought somebody had broken in there… and I probably would have reported it to the police, too. Whoever thought, you know, they’d find Floyd in there cutting the labels out of all those suits?

Jenny Rocker: Poor Floyd.

Duke: Hey, uh — did you tell him about his wife running around with the guy who had the dress shop in the new mall?

Jenny Rocker: Oh, no. We didn’t want to upset him. You know how MAD Floyd gets whenever anybody even mentions the new mall.

Ron: I gotta get going. [ he looks out the door and whispers ] Ooh, it looks like you guys got a customer…

[ Ron and Jennry exit, as the big and tall Black man enters ]

Duke: Can I help you?

Black Man: Uh, do you know when the Scotch tape store over there is gonna open up?

[ Jenny peeks back in ]

Duke: [ pointing ] Uh — that’s the proprieter there?

Jenny Rocker: Did you want to buy some tape?

Black Man: Yeah. I’ve been waiting over there for about fifteen minutes.

Jenny Rocker: Well, I was just going back to the store. Now, did you want — why don’t you coem with me. [ she steps away ] Did you want the thirty-nine-center or the rwenty-seven-center? The thirty-nine-center is a better deal —

[ they walk out of the shop together, as Duke and Lonny stare at one another in bewilderment ]

[ camera pulls out, with SUPER: “coming up next: Studio 54, Wehre Are You?” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 4


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


November 10th, 1979

Buck Henry

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

None

None

None
Buck’s StorySummary: While demonstrators protest Buck Henry’s latest hosting gig, Bill Murray offers a heroic war story that explains why Buck is such a frequent host.

Transcript

Montage

Buck Henry’s MonologueSummary: Buck Henry doesn’t grasp the audience’s ire towards his constant hosting and endless diatribes.

Transcript

Harley’s Bristol CremeSummary: Sue (Gilda Radner) desperately seeks a companion to share a glass of Harley’s Bristol Creme.

Recurring Characters: Honker.

Transcript

The Mystery Of Toad IslandSummary: Tom Brundidge (Buck Henry) travels to the mysterious Toad Island to uncover his roots, but finds only inbred, toad-like humans who can’t give him a straight answer.

Transcript

The NerdsSummary: Todd (Bill Murray) and Lisa (Gilda Radner) try to play matchmaker for their parents (Jane Curtin, Buck Henry).

Recurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca, Mrs. Loopner, Marshall DiLaMuca.

Transcript

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakersperforms “Refugee”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Jack Van Arks (Al Franken) speaks on behalf of the chemical industry. Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) announces the winner of the Find the Popes in the Pizza contest.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Transcript

Bad ClamsSummary: Morning show hosts (Garrett Morris, Yvonne Hudson) torment Lucille Ball (Gilda Radner) by feeding her bad clams.

Recurring Characters: Lucille Ball.

How To Talk To Your GrandparentsSummary: Kids (Al Franken, Laraine Newman) employ lessons from instruction record in order to score money off of their grandparents (Gilda Radner, Buck Henry).

Schiller’s ReelSummary: “Life After Death”.

Note: Repeat from 77f.

Speci-PakSummary: Couple (Gilda Radner, Buck Henry) learn how to preserve their severed body parts for safe delivery to the hospital.

Love ContractSummary: Hampton Jitney (Bill Murray) and Muffy Barber (Laraine Newman) consider marriage, but first their lawyers (Harry Shearer, Buck Henry) collaborate on a contract and go over the fine print.

Transcript

Tom Petty & THe Heartbreakers performs “Don’t Do Me Like That”

Toilet RushSummary: Daddy (Buck Henry) rushes his wife (Jane Curtin) and daughter (Gilda Radner) home through hit-and-run encounters so that he can use his own toilet.

Transcript

GoodnightsSummary: The cast chases a rambling Buck Henry out of Studio 8-H.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts