Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 5: Episode 7 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
December 15th, 1979 Martin Sheen David Bowie None None Brian Doyle-Murray Tom Schiller Sex ChangeSummary: Patient (Bill Murray) undergoes a quickie cheap sex-change operation that merely places him in women’s clothing. Transcript
Montage
Martin Sheen’s MonologueSummary: Martin Sheen doesn’t consider himself nuch of a comedy performer, but agreed to give it a try on tonight’s show if he could make a formal request of donations of toys for needy prostitutes this Christmas season. Transcript
Le ShoeSummary: The world’s ugliest pair of designer shoes holds mass fashion appeal because it hails from France.
Dark ShadowsSummary: Little girl (Gilda Radner) thinks she sees mysterious objects in her darkened room after her dad (Martin Sheen) reads a scary bedtime story. Transcript
Teacher’s StrikeSummary: At an emergency meeting of the Teachers Union Strike Committee, Mr. Peskin (Martin Sheen) and fellow striking teachers weigh the pros and cons of the school board’s latest final offer.
David Bowie performs “The Man Who Sold The World”
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Bill Murray’s annual Oscar picks includes slams at “The Jerk” and “1941” and high praise for “Meatballs”. Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) announces that he’s the new spoesman for the Mr. Tea teamaking machine. Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci. Transcript
Apocalypse NowSummary: United Artists executive (Harry Shearer) sends Josh Caine (Martin Sheen) to the Phillippines to halt Francis Ford Coppola’s (Bill Murray) overbudget production of “Apocalypse Now”. Recurring Characters: Marlon Brando. Transcript
David Bowie performs “TVC-15”
“First Love”Summary: In a film by Aviva Slesin, Bill Murray revisits Fannie, the dog he once loved.
ForevereadySummary: Foreveready is no ordinary battery, and tough guy spokesman Robert Conrad (Martin Sheen) and his dad (Brian Doyle-Murray) are willing to take a barroom bully’s (Bill Murray) pummeling and taunting to prove that misbegotten claim.
MurderSummary: After committing the perfect crime, kidnappers (Martin Sheen, Garrett Morris) try to maintain sole knowledge by killing their hostage (Jane Curtin) and all accidental witnesses who stumble into their hideout before they can make their escape.
Minota AM3Summary: The Minota AM3 camera takes great photos and brings people like Bruce (Martin Sheen) and Christy Jenner (Laraine Newman) together, even in the face of their impending divorce. Recurring Characters: Bruce Jenner.
Revisions Of Freudian TheorySummary: Al Franken interviews Dr. Thomas J. Davis on the supposed nasal stage of Freudian study. Transcript
Martin Sheen HairspraySummary: Actress Jane Curtin uses Martin Sheen’s saliva as her take-charge hairspray of choice.
Dad…..Martin Sheen Little Girl…..Gilda Radner Mom…..Jane Curtin Electrician…..Garrett Morris
Dad: [ reading from “The Raven” ] “‘Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!’ Quoth the Raven, ‘Nevermore.'” [ laughs lightly ] Did you like that?
Little Girl: Uh.. yeah.. the talking bird was real neat.. Read me another one, Daddy!
Dad: No, no, no! no more tonight, Jenny! It’s time for this little girl to go to bed.
Little Girl: Alright..
Dad: Good girl. [ kisses her on the forehead ] Goodnight, sweetheart!
Little Girl: Goodnight! [ Dad turns the light off as he exits her bedroom, but, following the story, the Little Girl is suddenly frightened by the dark ] Dad! Mom! Help! Help, come quick!
Mom: [ rushing in ] What’s the matter?!
Little Girl: Help! Look! There’s a bear in the corner!
Mom: [ approaching the corner ] Honey, it’s just your clothes making a shadow on the wall, I’ll fix it..
Dad: [ rushing in ] What’s the matter? What’s going on in here?
Mom: Jenny thought these clothes were a bear.
Dad: [ laughing ] Oh, how ridiculous! We know there are no bears in here. Now, come on, young lady, let’s all get to sleep.
Little Girl: Okay. I’m sorry.
Mom: Goodnight, honey.
Little Girl: Goodnight..
[ Mom and Dad exit the room and turn off the lights ]
Mom: What were you reading to her? Honestly, I don’tunderstand you..
Dad: Oh, it’s just a little Poe!
[ the Little Girl sits alone in the dark, as a mysterious figure opens the door, enters the room and lights a cigarette ]
Little Girl: Dadddy.. is that you..?
Electrician: [ frightened ] Who said that?!
Little Girl: [ screams ] Aaagghh! Mom! Dad! Come quick!
Mom: [ rushing in ] What happened?
Little Girl: There’s a strange man in the room!
Dad: Oh, don’t be silly! It’s only the electrician, Mr. Spencer!
Mom: Don’t you remember him, dear? He was here just a week ago.
Little Girl: [ trying to calm down ] Yea-ah.. But what’s he doing in my room now?!
Mom: He left his tool box. We told him he could come by sometime and get it.
Dad: We’re awfully sorry about this, Mr. Spencer.. my goodness,you’re shaking like a leaf, your heart’s beating a mile a minute, are you okay?
Electrician: [ shaking ] This girl here scared the bejeesus out of me, man!
Dad: Gosh, I’m awfully sorry.
Mom: [ to Little Girl ] Now, don’t you think you owe Mr. Spencer an apology?
Little Girl: I’m sorry, Mr. Spencer..
Electrician: Never mind the apology, man! Just keep heraway from me!
Dad: Is there anything I can do..?
Electrician: No, you’ve done enough! [ exits room as Dadfollows ]
Dad: I’m so embarrassed..
Electrician: You oughtta be!
Mom: [ to Little Girl ] Now, honey, this is what happens when you stay up too late at night. Now, can we have no more of these hijinks, please?
Little Girl: Okay, I’m sorry..
Mom: Okay. Goodnight.
[ Mom exits bedroom and turns out the light. Soon after, the Little Girl’s bed start to bounce up and down ]
Little Girl: Help! Help me! Mom! Dad! Help!
[ Mom and Dad rush back in again, angry ]
Dad: What’s the matter?! Young lady, what is this about! I’m just about at my wit’s end with you!
Little Girl: Oh, there’s ghosts under the bed!
Dad: [ angry ] Will you give me a break, young lady! Mom: Honey, there are no ghosts underneath the bed. It’sjust a family of gypsies your father said could camp here a while.. [ lifts the bedsheet as the gypsies crawl out ]
Dad: Now, look – you ‘ve gone and woke them up! [ to the gypsies ] Oh, look, I’m terribly sorry! What can I do? I had no idea that she would act this way.. how about staying in the den..? [ the gypsies exit the room ] I know a certain young lady who’s going to have to go to bed awful extra early tomorrow night! Now you go to sleep, young lady!
Little Girl: I’m sorry..
Mom: And you can forget about that slumber party thisweekend!
Dad: Absolutely!
Little Girl: Can I put the light on?
Dad: No! I don’t work hard at work all day so I can support Tom Edison! Now get to sleep!
[ Mom and Dad exit the bedroom and turn off the light ]
Mom: I hope Shandor and the tribe weren’t too upset..
[ the Little Girl remains alone in the dark room, but she can’t seem toput her mind at ease, so she hops out of bed and turns on the light. Still unsatisfied, she peeks under the bed to check for monsters. Still not convinced, she decides to check the closet door, only to find a mutilated man holding a hatchet ] Mom? Dad? Could you just please come in here for a minute..?
Voice of Dad: If I have to come in there one more time, young lady, it had better be important!
Little Girl: [ opens the closet door to determine the magnitude of importance of the mutilated hatchet man inside, then closes the door and makes her decision ] Um.. it’s okay! Forget it! Goodnight!
[ the Little Girl quickly jumps into bed and throws the covers over herbody as the scene zooms out to black ]
[ SUPER: coming up next: Supreme Court Snap Judgments ]
Al Franken: Welcome to “Revisions of Freudian Theory”. I’m your host, al Franken. Our guest tonight is Dr. Thomas J. Davis, and Dr. Davis has formulated a new fifth stage of personality development, in addition to the four of Freud’s that we’re all famliar with: the Oral, the Anal. the phallic, and the Genital. Uh — first, Dr. Davis, welcome to our show. Tell us — what is this new fifth stage?
Dr. Thomas J. Davis: [ in a nasally voice ] It’s the Nasal stage, Al. The child enters the Nasal stage at about Age 6, right after the Anal stage, at a time when a child is undergoing traumatic handkerchief training. And, uh, a person who becomes fixated at the Nasal stage will maintain nasal qualities throughout his life, unless, of course, he receives some kind of therapy.
Al Franken: I see. Well, uh, Doctor, what are some of these Nasal traits?
Dr. Thomas J. Davis: Well, he may be a snotty, stuck up, picky, youth. The ort of person — yes. These are nasal-retentive traits.
Al Franken: I see. So, uh, a nasal-retentive person might be called a… a tight-nose, is that right?
Dr. Thomas J. Davis: Exactly! You might say he has a stick up his nose, yes.
Al Franken: Uh-huh. I see. And, uh, what would the nasal-expulsive personality be like?
Dr. Thomas J. Davis: Uh — a nasal-expulsive person is often overly inquisitive, or nosy, and frequently alienates himself by blowing it in his relationships with other people. This can be very serious…
Al Franken: Well, wait a minute! Wait a minute! A nasal-expulsive person blows it ewith other people? Is that what you’re saying?
Dr. Thomas J. Davis: Well, that’s the terminology. We prefer the layman to, uh…
Al Franken: Well, thank you, Doctor. I think we’ve heard just about as much about the Nasal stage as we want to hear!
Dr. Thomas J. Davis: Well, then —
Al Franken: Thank you. Be sure to tune in tomorrow when our guest will be Dr. Sonya Kuntmuller, who will discuss her theory of Penis Shame. Now, Dr. Kuntmuller said that Freud’s theory of, uh, Penis Envy is wrong… that women do not envy men’s penises, rather that men are ashamed of their penises — or, or his penis — and, uh, that therefore men like to hide their penises in dark places over and over again.
Dr. Thomas J. Davis: Well, that’s the most RIDICULOUS theory that I’ve ever heard, in all my years —
Al Franken: Well, I don’t think you’re in any position to call a theory serious.
Dr. Thomas J. Davis: Well, you’re asking for a punch in the nose, fella!
Al Franken: Thank you, good night!
Dr. Thomas J. Davis: You know that? You’re really asking for it!
Martin Sheen: Thanks very much, we had a lot of fun! Good night.
[ David Bowie runs up on stage and stands directly in front of Sheen ]
Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Ted Knight, with Andy Kaufman and musical guests Desmond Child & Rouge. This Wednesday, watch The Best of Saturday Night Live at 10 o’clock/9 Mountain and Central. This is Don Pardo — I’m the same voice, Mountain and Central — saying… Good Night.
Martin Sheen: Thank you. Hey, thanks a lot! You know, it’s a real pleasure for me to be here tonight to host the show, but I have to admit I feel a little out of place. I mean, I’m sure you’ve heard it said that every dramatic actor would, uh, would love to find a point in his career when he could do a musical comedy, uh, sing and dance. I have to confess the fact I never learned to sing or dance, and I’m afraid I don’t tell jokes very well. For example. [ the audience laughs ] I told you! Uh — the 800-pound gorilla… who thinks he can sit anywhere! [ he laughs alone ] I told you! Okay — see that?
Uh — despite that, I do believe that an actor should agree to take risks with his career, so I agreed to do the show. And, uh — we’re going to be doing some very funny business — at least, they think it’s funny — and, uh, all I asked in return was one little favor, and these people who run the show have granted me that favor. nd that is, very simply, to right here at the top of the show, to talk about something that’s very, very close to my heart. So please give me your attention.
[ he steps across the stage to sit next to a box of toys ]
Martin Sheen: You know… the holiday season is a time of great joy and happiness — or, at least, it should be. But there are, however, those among us who are not as fortunate. Christmas is just another day… for America’s professional prostitutes. They never get any toys. That’s why I’m very proud to co-sponsor, along with the United States Coast Guard Reserve, the 1979 Toys for Tarts campaign. [ the audience cheers ] Each year on December, we collect usable toys and then distribute them to 40,000 professional prostitutes and call girls in the United States and Puerto Rico. It’s a wonderful thing to see that beautiful glow in a young woman’s face when she receives her Christmas toy. Believe me, I know. I’ve seen it. But time is running short, and we need your help as soon as possible. Please send your usable toys… for Toys for Tarts. Look for this attractive display in major shopping centers everywhere. And, remember — fill… ’til it hurts. Thank you.
Josh Caine…..Martin Sheen Herb Carp…..Harry Shearer Lynn Memily…..Jane Curtin Francis Ford Coppola…..Bill Murray Herbert Rice…..Garrett Morris Gary Kreps…..Tom Davis Extra #2…..Akira Yoshimura Marlon Brando…..Alan Zweibel Phil…..Al Franken Janine…..Gilda Radner Andrea…..Laraine Newman
[ open on close-up of Josh Caine lying with his head hanging over the side of his bed, as The Doors’ “The End” plays ]
Josh Caine V/O: Hollywood. I can’t believe I’m still in Hollywood. I’ve been here 48 hours now, and I’m bored out of my mind, sitting in my hotel room listening to the same Doors tape, waiting to take a meeting. [ he lifts himself upright and grabs a bottle of liquor ] United Artists had phoned me in from New York. They said they had a real choice assignment for me, and when it was over… I’d want to get out of the business.
[ suddenly, there’s a knock at the door ]
Josh Caine: Yeah!
[ Josh jumps up to open the door ]
Herb Carp: Josh! Josh! Herb Carp, United Artists.
Josh Caine: Hello, Herb.
[ they shake hands ]
Herb Carp: It’s good to see you.
Josh Caine: It’s good to see you.
Herb Carp: Josh Caine, this is Lynn Memily, my assistant. Lynn, Josh Caine.
Lynn Memily: It’s a pleasure!
Josh Caine: Come on in!
Lynn Memily: Why don’t I just set up the tape?
Herb Carp: That’s a good idea. [ he steps forward ] Josh… the project we’re gonna talk about today is, uh, kind of special… so I thought maybe, instead of taking the meeting at the office, we’d take it here.
Josh Caine: Why, sure! Sit down. [ they sit on the edge of the bed ] Uh… you mind telling me what this is all about?
Herb Carp: [ he opens his briefcase ] Josh… you ever heard of… Francis Ford Coppola? [ he hands a dossier over to Josh ]
Josh Caine: Well, I’ve heard the name.
Herb Carp: Francis was… one of our fienst directors. He was absolutely one of the best
Josh Caine: Was?
Herb Carp: Coppola’s out in the Phillippines, maing a film for us called… [ he chuckles ] “Apocalypse Now”.
Josh Caine: [ he laughs ] It’s a strange title for a movie, isn’t it?
Herb Carp: Yeah. We wanted him to change it. Hey — what do you think of “Never Say Retreat”?
Josh Caine: “Never Say Retreat”?
Lynn Memily: [ sitting down ] I like it!
Herb Carp: Thank you, honey. Josh, when a director is out on location, things happen. Uh… he starts rewriting, improvising… he loses all sense of reality, he goes… he goes over budget.
Lynn Memily: Coppola’s surrounded by a production crew who worship him like a god. They follow his every order, no matter how ridiculous!
Herb Carp: And no matter how much it costs. The original budget was $2 million — the last we heard, he was up to $30. I mean, who knows? Lynn, honey, would you play the cassette for us?
Lynn Memily: Great. [ she crosses the room ] Now, uh — this is the msot recent recording of Coppola. It’s at last year’s Oscar ceremony.
[ she turns the video on, as Coppola appears on the screen ]
Francis Ford Coppola: And, uh, I’d just like to say that the film industry — what we call filming — we’re gonna do such GREAT things in the 80’s! You know, it’s gonna make the Industrial Revolution look like last night’s plutonium! I mean, we’re talking about sattelites and video discs, uh, laser steroes… huge, huge extension cords —
Josh Caine: As I listened to his rambling, incoherent speech, it all became clear: Coppola was quite completely insane.
Herb Carp: Honey, turn it off.
[ Lynn turns the tape off ]
Herb Carp: Josh, every man has his breaking point — Coppola’s reached his. His ideas and methods are… well, they’re unsound. He’s out there on location, operating without ANY human restraint. Your job is to go to the Phillippines, find Coppola, and TERMINATE production of this film.
Josh Caine: You mean, pull the plug?
Herb Carp: [ he sighs heavily ] Pull the plug, with extreme prejudice.
Josh Caine: Yes, sir.
Herb Carp: [ to Lynn ] Honey… the man’s got some thinking to do, let’s go.
Josh Caine: Right.
[ they collect their things and head for the door ]
Herb Carp: Oh, Josh?
Josh Caine: Yes, sir?
Herb Carp: One more thing: When you get back… let’s have lunch!
Josh Caine: Yes, sir.
[ dissolve to an airplane taking off ]
Josh Caine V/O: I left the next morning, via Charlie Jet to Manila. It was a trip of 8,000 miles, and my flight took me over the Pacific — an endless expanse of ocean that seemed to lead to just one thing: Coppola. It was a long flight, but United Artists had given me their dossier on Coppola, so I had plenty of reading to do.
[ dissolve to Josh on the plane, reading copies of Variety and other entertainment publications ]
Josh Caine V/O: He had an amazing career. Almost too amazing. When he started on, he was a studio’s dream. He brought in pictures ahead of schedule and under budget. “The Godfather” — made in three weeks for a cost of $35,000; then “Godfather II”, $15,000. But when he started to work on “Apocalypse Now”, all that changed. Coppola had been in the jungle six months, when the bills started coming in to the studio. An invoice from Bell Aviation, for blowing up 800 helicopters: $4.5 million; The Cambodian Ministry of the Interior, for blowing up a fifth century temple: $7 million; The Phillipine Army Corps of Engineers, for building a subterranean city: $11 million; Manila Demolition, for blowing up subterranean city: $1.5 million; and so on, and so on. No wonder they wanted this guy stopped.
[ dissolve to map with toy airplane moving across the ocean ]
Josh Caine V/O: When I got to Manila, I was hit with some bad news. A tropical storm had washed out all roads to the shooting location. The only route left was the river, and Coppola had rented every boat in the country — al except one.
[ dissolve to close-up of Manila on map, with a toy boat moving up the river ]
Josh Caine V/O: My companion on the trip was the United Artists distributor for southeast Asia — Herbert Rice. The studio had kept him in the dark about Coppola, and he wasn’t too happy about it.
[ disslve to Josh and Herbert foot-paddling a boat ]
Herbert Rice: WHERE are we going?! I DEMAND to know where we’re going! That’s right!
Josh Caine: We’re going up-river, and that’s all you need to know!
Herbert Rice: Hey, man, look — I don’t HAVE to do this, now! I am a film distributor! My job is to get the posters up, get the ad in the paper, and mae SURE somebody’s answering that phone! Now, I-I-I-I got everybody on my back, asking me where is “Apocalypse Now” What is that man Coppola doing? It’s been THREE years! “Coming Home”‘s out! “Deer Hunter”‘s out! Al the Vietnam films are out! Man, it’s EMBARRASSING! Especially here in Southeast Asia, man! If it hadn’t been for “Rocky”, man, I’d have lost ALL of my theaters in Burma!
Josh Caine V/O: The day we left Manila, I received a message from the studio with a very interesting item. Evidently, I wasn’t the first ax-man they’d sent to stop Coppola/ Gary Kreps, one of the studio’s most feared executives, had gone in three months before. There’d been no word until a week ago, when his family received this letter: “Sell the Merceds, sell the jacuzzi, drain the pool, forget it. I’m not coming back.” I knew Coppola was close now — real close.
Herbert Rice: [ pointing ] Look around the bend! It’s the “Apocalypse” set, man!
[ cut to approaching jungle setting ]
Josh Caine V/O: And there it was: The most expensive, realistic set in movie history.
[ dissolve to actors walking around a lunch setting ]
Josh Caine V/O: Evidently, we had arrived at lunch time.
Extra #1: Can you believe Brando? We are talking six-hundred pounds!
Extra #2: Tell me about it — the Viet Cong could last six months on what he just had for breakfast.
[ Josh enters the set ]
Josh Caine: Uh — excuse me. Does anybody know where I could find Francis Ford Coppola? I’ve gotta talk to him.
Extra #3: No. You don’t talk to Francis — you take direction from Francis.
Josh Caine: I don’t mind that. Where can I find him?
Extra #4: Well… he might be… over… at the full-scale replica… of OZ!
Extra #5: You idiot! That was blown up a week ago!
Extra #4: Oh, yeah?
[ Kreps, made up the same as the natives, approaches ]
Gary Kreps: [ surprised ] Josh Caine! How the hell are you? [ they shake hands ]
Josh Caine: I’m okay. You’re the guy the studio sent out. What happened?
Gary Kreps: Oh, geez — I’m great! I mean, working with Francis here has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life! You know, I came out here to clip his wing,s but he liked the way I read his contract so much, that he put me into a couple of scenes, and one thing led to another and… well… to make a long story short, be looking for this guy in the Underground City scene, okay? I mean, we had built this incredible subterranean city — we blew it up, of course — but I’m ALL OVER IT! It’s MY scene! I’m really excited!
Extra #4: Hey! I heard… that scene… was CUT!
Gary Kreps: NO!!
Extra #4: Yes.
Gary Kreps: NO!!
Josh Caine: Never mind about that. Where the hell is Coppola?
Gary Kreps: Uh — he’s probably trying to get Brando out of his trailer.
Josh Caine: What do you mean, trai — Brando won’t come out of his trailer?
Gary Kreps: Oh, don’t worry. They’ll do it just like last week. They just have to take the door off.
[ suddenly, Marlon Brando and Francis Ford Coppola enter the set ]
Francis Ford Coppola: Alright, we’re out now. Relax. We got you out. Okay, now, look — I promise you we’ll get you a bigger trailer, i’ll get you one of those Genie Load-a-matic garage openers, you’ll be in and out with no problem. Alright, why don’t you get a bite. You’re beautiful, Marlon! You know that? You’re beautiful, you are. [ he kisses Brando’s forehead ] Why don’t you go get a bite, I’ll talk to my staff about how to shoot this next spot, okay? Thank you.
[ Brando walks away ]
Josh Caine V/O: There he was — just what I’d expected. And I wondered if I was what he’d expected.
Josh Caine: Mr. Coppola! I’ve got to talk to you, sir.
Francis Ford Coppola: Uh — in a minute, huh? We’re on the nut right now. Just stay here, though. [ calling out ] Phil!
Phil: Yeah! Yeah!
Francis Ford Coppola: Janine!
Janine: Yeah!
Francis Ford Coppola: Andrea!
Andrea: Yeah!
Francis Ford Coppola: Anybody! Somebody!
[ the three assistants rush forward ]
Francis Ford Coppola: Hi. Look… we can’t get away with the lighting on Marlon forever. I mean, he looks weird. He looks Uncle Fester. You know.
Andrea: Francis… listen. Phil and I had an idea.
Phil: Yeah.
Andrea: Let’s say the tribesmen love him so much, that at all times they form a human shield around him. Come on, Phil, let’s show him.
Phil: Okay, okay, okay. [ the three assistants circle Coppola ] Let’s say, Francis, you’re Brando, okay? See? Huh?
Andrea: Just like this.
Phil: Yeah, yeah! With just his head poking out! You got it?
Andrea: A human shield!
[ Coppola doesn’t look completely sold on the idea ]
Janine: Uh — uh — wait! What about this? Let’s say that, uh, for whatever reason, uh, that whenever Marlon receives visitors, he’s always in a pit buried up to his neck in the sand.
Francis Ford Coppola: Hmm…
Phil: No — I know. Okay, listen — the, uh, planes spray the foliants so that he’s always standing in a pile of dead leaves. Okay? Just his headd sticking out!
Andrea: Or — how about in a pile of dead bodies? Oh, no… then, maybe, he’d look dead.
Janine: Well, whatever it is, don’t you think we should make a decision soon?
Francis Ford Coppola: [ thinking ] Well… wouldn’t it be less trouble to shoot it ,i>every way, and then try to decide later? Huh?
Josh Caine: [ interrupting ] I’m afraid you won’t be doing any more shoting, Mr. Coppola. I represent United Artists, and I’m authorized to TERMINATE this production IMMEDIATELY!
Francis Ford Coppola: But, uh, it’s not finished, you know?
Andrea: You know, Francis — I was in the editing room last night, we have enough footage to cut together several different versions of the film.
Francis Ford Coppola: But I have no ENDING! I don’t know what the film IS yet! How am I supposed to conceptualize my ending, when I don’t know what the film is yet?!
Josh Caine: The fact is, Coppola, you don’t have any choice! To prevent you and your crew from incurring any more debts in the name of United Artists, we’ve ordered an immediate B-52 air strike on THIS set! [ he hands over the paperwork ]
Francis Ford Coppola: What?
Janine: Francis! That’s not bad! We never thought of blowing up the set! You know, we oughtta get this on film!
Francis Ford Coppola: [ excited ] Yeah! A B-52 strike! THAT’S IT!! That’s it! MY ENDING!! One of my endings! [ he claps his hands together ] When is the strike?
Josh Caine: [ looking at his watch ] In about ten seconds.
Francis Ford Coppola: [ yelling ] Okay! We gotta do this FAST, everybody! Okay, roll cameras! [ as the sounds of falling missiles rises ] Give me sound and feed! Okay! Action on the incoming!
[ cut to fiery footage, as The Doors “The End” plays ]
Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “The following docu-drama presents explicit scenes of an actual sex-change operation and may not be suitable for children or pre-teenagers.”
[ dissolve to black-and-white images of the patient in his boyhood youth ]
Patient V/O: Ever since I was a small child, I can remember feeling more like a little girl than a little boy. At school, I used to spend more time with the girls. I hated sports. When I grew up and found I could change my sex medically, I knew I had to make a big decision. With my life savings, I flew to Copenhagen to a Danish sexual institute and clinic. There, I saw Dr. Inger Yensin, who would arrange my sex-change operation.
[ dissolve to Dr. Inger Yensin’s office ]
Patient V/O: The doctor, who, incidentally, was a woman, explained to me that there were two possible operations: One took four weeks and involved lengthy tissue exchange procedures. It costs almost 200,000 Danish kroners, or $37,000. The other was an abbreviated procedure that could be done that afternoon for only 2,000 kroners, or about $346. Having spent all my money on airfare, I chose the less expensive procedure, happy that I would soon be the woman I had dreamt of.
[ Dr. Tensin leads the patient to an operation table in her office ]
Dr. Inger Yensin: Now, just get on the table! [ he climbs on the table ] Lie down, please. [ he lies down ] That’s good. [ to her nurses ] Administer the guest.
Nurse #1: Guest!
Nurse #2: [ places anesthesia over patient’s face ] Guest administered. [ she places the curtain over the patient ]
Dr. Inger Yensin: Scalpel.
Nurse #1: [ handing it over ] Scalpel!
[ Dr. Yensin applies the scalpel, then hands it to her second nurse ]
Nurse #2: Scalpel.
Dr. Inger Yensin: Sponge.
Nurse #1: [ handing it over ] Sponge.
[ Dr. Yensin applies the sponge, then hands it to her second nurse ]
Nurse #2: Sponge.
Dr. Inger Yensin: Mascara.
Nurse #1: [ handing it over ] Mascara.
[ Dr. Yensin applies the mascara, then hands it to her second nurse ]
Dr. Inger Yensin: Lipstick.
Nurse #1: [ handing it over ] Lipstick.
[ Dr. Yensin applies the lipstick, then hands it to her second nurse ]
Nurse #2: Lipstick.
Dr. Inger Yensin: Dress and high high heels.
Nurse #1: [ handing them over ] Dress and high heels.
[ Dr. Yensin applies the dress and high heels ]
Nurse #2: Dress and high heels.
Dr. Inger Yensin: Stop anesthesia! The operation is a success.
[ they lower the curtain, revealing the patient dressed as a woman while still retaining a man’s body ]
[ the patient rises and smiles ]
Patient: [ in a throaty whisper ] Live from New York… it’s Saturday Night.
… Jane Curtin … Bill Murray Father Guido Sarducci … Don Novello
Don Pardo: And now, “Weekend Update” with the Weekend Update news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening. I’m Jane Curtin. Here now the news. Our top story tonight:
[Photo of Ronald Reagan] Republican presidential candidate Ronald Reagan said this morning that he would not enter the Puerto Rican primary or, for that matter, Puerto Rico. “Those people give me the willies,” Reagan commented.
[Photo of Joe Clark] Canadian Prime Minister Joe Clark lost a vote of no confidence in the Canadian Parliament this week. Evidently, members of Parliament had been complaining that Clark’s wife wouldn’t sleep with any of them and there is talk of bringing back [Photo of Pierre Trudeau] former Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau.
This week, the New England Journal of Medicine reports that women who have had intercourse during the last month of pregnancy have had babies born with infections, respiratory ailments and jaundice. The report further states that the closer intercourse is to the baby’s birth, the more severe the effects. In several cases, where the mother was sexually active shortly before delivery, when the baby was born, it immediately asked for a cigarette and a towel.
Bill?
Bill Murray: [Image of a satellite orbiting Earth] Well, the twenty million dollar RCA TV relay communications satellite, SATCOM 3, that was lost this week, has been found [Photo of a black guy carrying a huge hettoblaster on his shoulder] by Lonnie Washington, an unemployed maintenance man in Harlem, New York. Mr. Washington has evaded authorities, claiming, “This thing picks up so many stations and plays real loud, I ain’t giving this sucker back to nobody.”
[Photo of an elderly man in an examination room] It’s kind of lonely when the old gang’s all gone but Walter Pinel doesn’t seem to mind. He’s the last surviving member of the Woodstock Nation, that tumultuous rock festival held in Woodstock, New York over ten years ago. Walter’s a doctor now and, although he has many fine memories of Woodstock, he can’t remember them.
Today, December 15th, was the expiration date for the half fare airline discount coupons. One of these cut-rate plans works something like this. Say you flew from Mexico to New York to Texas. Well, for only five dollars more, you could fly to Panama. Well, the Shah of Iran did just that today. The Shah is a rich man but he’s frugal and I — I like that, really.
Jane?
Jane Curtin: Well, Bill, money isn’t everything. Try to imagine yourself without a home, without a country, and without a gall bladder. Believe me, it’s a depressing way to spend the holidays. If there’s an ailing exiled king in your life, why not grab a pen and paper and send the Shah a get well card at this address: Poor Pahlevi, Panama City, Panama. Or just drop it off at your local Exxon station and they’ll see that he gets it. You’ll be glad you did.
This week, the Senate voted overwhelmingly to put an additional three million dollars in paper currency into circulation. This drive was spearheaded by Senators Percy of Illinois, Cohen of Maine, Nunn of Georgia, and Chiles of Florida. Expected to reap immediate benefits are Cadillac dealers, fancy French restaurants, and Washington area escort services.
[Graphic of the Mobil Oil corporate logo] The Department of Energy accused Mobil Oil Corporation and three other companies this week of overcharging by more than one billion dollars for petroleum products. [Photo of SNL writer Alan Zweibel] The only victim of the overpricing seems to have been Mr. Gary Leonard of Tucson, Arizona who was charged one billion, seventeen dollars to have the tank of his Vega filled with unleaded. Remarked Mr. Leonard, “I guess I just must have the face of a big sap.”
Bill?
Bill Murray: Colombia’s worst earthquake in history left hundreds dead and thousands homeless. [Photo of man standing in front of a smashed house] And, to make things worse, homeowner Hector Lopez also complained of rampant teenage vandalism. Quote, “I think some kids came in during the quake and knocked over all my furniture.”
[Photo of kneeling Iranian men, their boots lined up before them] And the Iranian school for boot salesmen held its graduation ceremonies this week and the entire class was snapped up by shoe stores all over the Middle East.
Bill Murray: Well, it’s holiday time again. A lot of big movies coming out, trying to earn your hard-earned buckskis before you get a chance to spend ’em on gifts for your loved ones. Let me tell you my opinions and you can decide for yourselves which ones you should see.
[Graphic of poster for “Star Trek: The Motion Picture” appears on screen behind Murray]
Uh, first, there’s “Star Trek” — don’t bother. I went, I didn’t get it. It’s like something from outer space. It’s completely unrealistic, completely unbelievable. Who dresses like that? Nobody I know. It may have been a good idea for TV — they probably should have tried that first.
[Poster for “The Electric Horseman”]
Uh, “The Electric Horseman” stars Redford and Fonda. As you can see here, uh, Fonda wears jeans, Redford picks her up in the air. I think it’s a nice idea. I like it, I kind o’ like it.
[Photo of James Caan and Marsha Mason in “Chapter Two”]
“Chapter Two” is Neil Simon’s new movie but I never saw “Chapter One.” I think anybody who goes to see “Chapter Two” without seeing “Chapter One” is a jerk.
[Photo of Steve Martin in “The Jerk”]
Which brings me to “The Jerk.” Steve Martin is a friend. As a matter of fact, I was in the movie but cut out of it. That doesn’t influence my opinion. The movie is a dog. There’s something missing. I don’t– Who it is, I can’t say.
[Poster art for Steven Spielberg’s “1941” starring John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd, among others]
Finally, “1941” — once again, I never saw “1940” — but everyone in the newspapers and the press is panning this movie so I am gonna jump on the bandwagon here. The stars, in alphabetical order, are Ned Beatty, Carrie Fisher and Christopher Lee. As you all know, Carrie and Chris Lee have both been on Saturday Night Live and, if you ask me, they should never have left the show. And, once again, I don’t get it. What’s so funny about killing Japs? I don’t get it.
Didn’t we learn anything from “Coming Home,” from “Deer Hunter,” from “Taxi Driver”? War! Huh! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! And so is “1941.” When Chris and Carrie told me they were leaving Saturday Night to do this movie, I said, “Why? Steve Spielberg is great with the mechanical shark and the flying saucer but the guy wouldn’t know funny if it bit him in the underwear.” They wouldn’t listen and now they have this Christmas turkey on their hands. And now my two old friends are gonna have the most miserable Christmas of their lives. And we all know that more suicides occur at Christmas than any other time. But don’t let these movies spoil your holidays. Take the kids to see “Meatballs” again. It’s a warm story. It’s perfect for Christmas. It’s a good cast, got a great story. Have a merry Christmas.
The movie’s got a lot going for it, and here’s a guy who has a lot going for ihm — a HELL of a lot — Father Guido Sarducci. Father Sarducci?
Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you. Something a-wonderful has happened to-a me. I was-a chosen to be the SPOKESMAN for this-a wonderful new product. And, Bill, I want to thank you, because the reason they picked me was because they saw me on-a this show. And-a, really, from-a the bottom of-a my heart, I do thank you.
And, you know, Joe DiMaggio does-a this-a commercial — he’s-a the spokesman for something called-a Mr. Coffee, and-a I think that’s-a why-a they-a wanted me, too. This-a product, it’s-a called Mr. Tea. Mr. Tea. And-a, you know, I don’t even drink-a tea. And I said to them, “I don’t-a drink-a tea,” but they said, “That’s okay. We want you anyway.” And-a, I just-a love-a this-a product. What I like about it is, it’s-a SO simple. All you have to do is get-a like a tea cup, or a coffee cup, whatever you call it, and you put a tea bag right inside of it here, and then you put the cup — it fits right in here — and then, you get hot, boiling water… and-a just-a pour the hot water into the Mr. Tea machine… [ he demosntrates these actions ] And, as-a you can see, the water comes-a down through here, down there, right into the cup! And then, all you have to do is wait two, three minutes… and then it’s done! And it depends — if you want it real strong, I’ve found that you should-a leave the tea bag in there quite a while. And, also, if you-a don’t want it strong, you can use it two, three times over and over, so it’s-a real economical, too.
But-a all of that is explained to you, in this-a little booklet that comes for free with it. [ he holds up the booklet ] It’s called-a “How to Use Yuor Mr. Tea.” But, basically, what it is, is you supply the tea bag and the hot water, and Mr. Tea does-a the rest. It’s $9.95. nine dollars and ninety-five cents. And I get twelve cents for-a every one of these they sell. And the Mr. Tea people, they said they think they’re gonna sell a whole lot for Christmas, you know? I did-a this-a Christmas commercial for them, it shows me making Mr. Tea for these Santa’s elves. They got-a these little midget men to dress up as elves, ’cause they didn’t have real elves.
And… [ he taps the ashes off his cigarette ] I think it’s something — me, you know, doing a Christmas commercial, because I don’t even-a LIKE Christmas! It’s not really that I don’t like Christmas. It’s just that I don’t like it so often. You know? I’m still sick of those Christmas songs from last year, and now they’re starting up again already. And, I really think I could get behind Christmas, if it was-a, say, like every other year. You know? Then it would be exciting and that. And, I have-a this idea. Maybe the American people would like to support me on-a this: It’s something called “Big Christmas, Little Christmas.” And-a the idea is-a that, every other year you would-a celebrate BIG — just-a like-a normal, on even-numbered years. But on odd-numbered years — like-a this year, 1979, it’s an odd number — and it’s what I call “Little Christmas.” And the idea is that you would, you know… Christmas songs would-a be just only Christmas Day, maybe Christmas Eve. And gifts — NOT for everybody. Just immediate family only. and the rule is: Just one gift per person — that’s it. And the gifts, too, should be very inexpensive. I think maybe we should set the limit, say… no gifts more than ten dollars. That’s-a the rule.
So… I want-a wish-a all of you a merry, merry Little Christmas — or, as we say in Italian: Buon Piccolo Natale! [ he sips his homemade tea ]
Bill Murray: That’s the news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 5: Episode 8 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 22nd, 1979 Ted Knight Desmond Child & Rouge Andy Kaufman Buddy Rogers Bob Zmuda Diana Peckham Teri Garr A Christmas Gift from the Shah and his FriendsSummary: The Shah Mohammad Reza Pahlevi (Bill Murray) invites his special American friends to his home in Panama for a televised Christmas party all Americans can enjoy. Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Anwar Sadat, Henry Kissinger.
Montage
Ted Knight’s MonologueSummary: Ted Knight claims to be Steve Martin’s dad, then performs some of his “son”‘s comedy routine. Transcript
Diff’rent StorksSummary: Eager to capitalize on its young star, NBC advertises a new pair of hastily-produced sitcoms starring Gary Coleman.
Grievance BoardSummary: Chudd Insurance Corporation board members (Harry Shearer, Bill Murray, Garrett Morris) decide sexual harrassment case between Miss hoben (Jane Curtin) and Mr. Kramer (Ted Knight). Transcript
A Message From Bob KoppSummary: Local policeman Bob Kopp (Ted Knight) warns citizens to watch out this holiday season, or else. Transcript
Desmond Child & Rouge perform “Tumble In The Night”
The Tonight ShowSummary: NBC announces that Gary Coleman will be guest-hosting “The Tonight Show”.
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Consumer reporter Roseanne Roseannadanna’s (Gilda Radner) charity commentary strays to other gross topics. Recurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna.
Nerds’ NativitySummary: Mr. Dunwoody (Ted Knight) struggles through a rehearsal of the Nativity pageant that stars Lisa Loopner (Gilda Radner) and Todd DiLaMuca (Bill Murray) as Mary and Joseph. Recurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca, Mrs. Loopner, Artie, Grant Robinson, Jr. Transcript
Andy Kaufman Wrestles A WomanSummary: Boastful Andy Kaufman challenges Diana Peckham to pin him in three minutes.
Bob Hope’s Christmas In TehranSummary: NBC announces that Gary Coleman will appear on Bob Hope’s latest Christmas special.
Sammy Seltzer, Jr.Summary: Sammy Davis, Jr. (Garrett Morris) introduces a stomach soother to help people feel better after being overexposed to the one-eyed entertainer over the Christmas holidays. Recurring Characters: Sammy Davis, Jr.
Java JunkieSummary: After drinking a couple of innocent cups, Joe’s (Peter Aykroyd) life spirals out-of-control because he can’t shake the coffee monkey off his back. Transcript
Christmas DecorationsSummary: Suburban family endures visiting granddad’s (Ted Knight) overzealousness for Christmas decorations.
Iran: The Country And The CrisisSummary: NBC announces that Gary Coleman will appear on Bob Hope’s latest Christmas special.
Ted Knight: Good night, Eric! Good night, Elyse! Good night, Dottie! Good night, Ted! Good night, everybody! Thank you! You’re wonderful! [ he blows everyone a big kiss ]
Announcer: “Saturday Night Live” will return in THE EIGHTIES! This is Don Pardo, the voice of the Seventies, saying: “Good night, and happy holidays!”
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Air Date:
Sex Change
Summary: Patient (Bill Murray) undergoes a quickie cheap sex-change operation that merely places him in women’s clothing.
Summary: Martin Sheen doesn’t consider himself nuch of a comedy performer, but agreed to give it a try on tonight’s show if he could make a formal request of donations of toys for needy prostitutes this Christmas season.
Summary: The world’s ugliest pair of designer shoes holds mass fashion appeal because it hails from France.
Summary: Little girl (Gilda Radner) thinks she sees mysterious objects in her darkened room after her dad (Martin Sheen) reads a scary bedtime story.
Summary: At an emergency meeting of the Teachers Union Strike Committee, Mr. Peskin (Martin Sheen) and fellow striking teachers weigh the pros and cons of the school board’s latest final offer.
Summary: Bill Murray’s annual Oscar picks includes slams at “The Jerk” and “1941” and high praise for “Meatballs”. Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) announces that he’s the new spoesman for the Mr. Tea teamaking machine.
Summary: United Artists executive (Harry Shearer) sends Josh Caine (Martin Sheen) to the Phillippines to halt Francis Ford Coppola’s (Bill Murray) overbudget production of “Apocalypse Now”.
Summary: In a film by Aviva Slesin, Bill Murray revisits Fannie, the dog he once loved.
Summary: Foreveready is no ordinary battery, and tough guy spokesman Robert Conrad (Martin Sheen) and his dad (Brian Doyle-Murray) are willing to take a barroom bully’s (Bill Murray) pummeling and taunting to prove that misbegotten claim.
Summary: After committing the perfect crime, kidnappers (Martin Sheen, Garrett Morris) try to maintain sole knowledge by killing their hostage (Jane Curtin) and all accidental witnesses who stumble into their hideout before they can make their escape.
Summary: The Minota AM3 camera takes great photos and brings people like Bruce (Martin Sheen) and Christy Jenner (Laraine Newman) together, even in the face of their impending divorce.
Summary: Al Franken interviews Dr. Thomas J. Davis on the supposed nasal stage of Freudian study.
Summary: Actress Jane Curtin uses Martin Sheen’s saliva as her take-charge hairspray of choice.
Transcript
Summary: The Shah Mohammad Reza Pahlevi (Bill Murray) invites his special American friends to his home in Panama for a televised Christmas party all Americans can enjoy.
Summary: Ted Knight claims to be Steve Martin’s dad, then performs some of his “son”‘s comedy routine.
Summary: Eager to capitalize on its young star, NBC advertises a new pair of hastily-produced sitcoms starring Gary Coleman.
Summary: Chudd Insurance Corporation board members (Harry Shearer, Bill Murray, Garrett Morris) decide sexual harrassment case between Miss hoben (Jane Curtin) and Mr. Kramer (Ted Knight).
Summary: Local policeman Bob Kopp (Ted Knight) warns citizens to watch out this holiday season, or else.
Summary: NBC announces that Gary Coleman will be guest-hosting “The Tonight Show”.
Summary: Consumer reporter Roseanne Roseannadanna’s (Gilda Radner) charity commentary strays to other gross topics.
Summary: Mr. Dunwoody (Ted Knight) struggles through a rehearsal of the Nativity pageant that stars Lisa Loopner (Gilda Radner) and Todd DiLaMuca (Bill Murray) as Mary and Joseph.
Summary: Boastful Andy Kaufman challenges Diana Peckham to pin him in three minutes.
Summary: NBC announces that Gary Coleman will appear on Bob Hope’s latest Christmas special.
Summary: Sammy Davis, Jr. (Garrett Morris) introduces a stomach soother to help people feel better after being overexposed to the one-eyed entertainer over the Christmas holidays.
Summary: After drinking a couple of innocent cups, Joe’s (Peter Aykroyd) life spirals out-of-control because he can’t shake the coffee monkey off his back.
Summary: Suburban family endures visiting granddad’s (Ted Knight) overzealousness for Christmas decorations.
Summary: NBC announces that Gary Coleman will appear on Bob Hope’s latest Christmas special.
