Kirk Douglas: Thank you, thank you, thank you! It’s great to be back in New York, and alive!
You know, coming here is like coming home. I went to a dramatic school just up on 57th Street, and I worked in theaters just a few blocks from here. Of course, I was never in a Broadway hit. The plays usually ran about one performance, then I’d go back to California, make a movie, and then I’d come back to New York and do another play – for one night – and back to California, and here I am doing a one-night stand!
I think maybe that’s why they asked me. But I want to tell you something – television is really rough. It’s not like movies – there’s no retakes, it’s scary, it’s like you’re walking a tight wire and there’s no net. But I don’t know, I have a feeling it’s going to be okay. You see, I have four sons, and, thanks to Michael, I now have a grandson! Now, I don’t have any daughters. But.. I do have a beautiful godchild – Alexandra. She came up all the way from Washington, and she’s sitting right there.
[ points her out in the audience, then walks down to her ]
You know, Alexandra is really my most loyal fan. Now, when I make a movie, no matter what the critics say, Alexandra writes me a letter right away, and she says, “Dear Uncle Kirk: I saw your last movie, you were terrific!” So, now, Alexandra, if these people don’t like this show tonight, you send that letter right away!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 5: Episode 13 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
March 8th, 1980 Rodney Dangerfield The J. Geils Band None Jerry Mathers Tony Dow Yvonne Hudson Matt Neuman Sarah Paley Alan Zweibel Andy Murphy Rodney’s Dressing RoomSummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) bunks up in Rodney Dangerfield’s dressing room and brings in visitors to help invade the small space. Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci. Transcript
Montage
Rodney Dangerfield’s MonologueSummary: Rodney Dangerfield jokes about his lack of respect in life. Transcript
NiggerrandSummary: Spokesman (Harry Shearer) promotes the authentic gold coin that celebrates the African miners who dug it up. Transcript
Dr. Shockley’s House of SpermSummary: Dangerfield tries to keep up with townspeople who crave his sperm donation. Transcript
The J. Geils Band performs “Love Stinks”
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Bill Murray questions Tony Dow and Jerry Mathers about the latter’s Vietnam War death rumor. Father Guido Sarducci interviews a recipient of a nationality-change operation. Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci. Transcript
ManhassetSummary: Nightclub comedian Rodney Davis (Rodney Dangerfield) ponders whether or not a relationship with 10-year old Tracy (Laraine Newman) is right for him.
Road To MoscowSummary: Curt Gowdy (Harry Shearer) asks athletes whether President Carter’s boycott of the Summer Games in Moscow will hurt the Russians or American athletes.
Next WeekSummary: Gilda Radner and Jane Curtin announces that next week is “SNL”‘s 100th episode.
Substitute JudgeSummary: A substitute judge (Brian Doyle-Murray) deals with an unruly courtroom trying to take advantage of him. Transcript
The J. Geils Band performs “Sanctuary”
America on the JobSummary: A salute to the men and women who inspect shirts manufactured in America.
[ open on Rodney Dangerfield seated in his dressing room, smoking a cigarette as he practices his lines ]
[ a knock at the door ]
Rodney Dangerfield: Uh — come in!
[ Father Guido Sarducci enters the dressing room with a robe draped over his shoulder ]
Father Guido Sarducci: Hello, Mr. Dangerfield.
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh. Hello, Father. How are you? It’s good to see you.
[ they shake hands ]
Father Guido Sarducci: Now, listen — I’m just coming by to say Hello to you —
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah?
Father Guido Sarducci: And I wanted to tell you that I really respect you — I have ALL kinds of respect for you.
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah? Thanks very much, Father. I’m flattered! That’s really nice. No kidding, you know?
Father Guido Sarducci: How’s everything a-going?
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh! Very —
Father Guido Sarducci: They treating you well?
Rodney Dangerfield: They’re treating me like a PRINCE here! It’s really beautiful, you know? Really nice, you know?
Father Guido Sarducci: Hey, uh, I’m-a not-a holding you up, am I?
Rodney Dangerfield: Well… I got a little time to myself — I was gonna look over the script, the show starts in a few minutes. I was gonna go over a few things, that’s all.
Father Guido Sarducci: Hey, you know — I wanted to ask you a favor, if you wouldn’t mind?
Rodney Dangerfield: Yeah?
Father Guido Sarducci: They put me in-a this-a dressing room over here with three other fellows, and it’s-a really crowded in-a there. And, I was wondering — you know, if you didn’t mind — if I could share this dressing room with you. You know, just if it’s okay with you, of course.
Rodney Dangerfield: Well… gee… it’s not really very big in here. There’s not too much room, you know?
Father Guido Sarducci: Well… that’s okay, we can manage. I don’t mind.
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah?
[ Sarducci shoves Dangerfield’s clothes down the rack ]
Father Guido Sarducci: I’m gonna put your stuff down this side, okay?
Rodney Dangerfield: Okay… yeah. I’m just gonna look at this script here real quick, you know?
[ a knock at the door ]
Father Guido Sarducci: I’ll get it.
Rodney Dangerfield: Okay. Right.
[ Sarducci opens the door to allow entry for Jane Curtin ]
Jane Curtin: Oh, good, you’re here. I’ve been looking all over for you.
Father Guido Sarducci: Well… I had to change dressing rooms. It’s a long story, believe me.
Jane Curtin: Hi, Rodney! How are you!
Rodney Dangerfield: Jane! How are you? How are you? There’s a few changes, I’m just going over it.
Jane Curtin: Ahhh! Okay. [ to Sarducci ] Uh… Father and a guy showed up.
Father Guido Sarducci: He did? Well, good. You got it, huh?
Jane Curtin: Yeah. But I had to put up the whole two-hundred myself. If you want half, I’m gonna have to get fifty from you now.
Father Guido Sarducci: Well… do you think, maybe, I could give it to you next week or sometime? Will that be okay?
Jane Curtin: [ shaking her head ] No… I need it now.
Father Guido Sarducci: Well… I only got a hundred-dollar bill. Can you… change a hundred?
Jane Curtin: No, I can’t. Look — why don’t you give ME the hundred, and I’ll owe you fifty?
Father Guido Sarducci: Hey, Mr. Dangerfield? Can you break a hundred-dollar bill for me, please? It’s very important.
Rodney Dangerfield: Uh — I only got about fifty, sixty bucks on me.
Father Guido Sarducci: Uh — can I borrow fifty from you?
Rodney Dangerfield: [ counting his money ] I got $52 here on me —
Father Guido Sarducci: Well… I don’t need the whole thing. The fifty would be fine.
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah? Alright…
Father Guido Sarducci: [ taking the fifty ] Thank you very much, I appreciate it.
Rodney Dangerfield: Okay… right… right…
[ the phone rings ]
Father Guido Sarducci: [ to Jane ] There.
Rodney Dangerfield: [ answering the phone ] Yes? Yes, it is. Who? Okay. Jane! Jane, it’s for you.
Jane Curtin: Oh! [ taking the phone ] Hello? Yeah. Yeah, I got the money…
[ a knock at the door ]
Father Guido Sarducci: I’ll get it.
[ an Italian family enters the room, to Sarducci’s delight ]
Father Guido Sarducci: Hey, uh, Mr. Dangerfield! These are some friends I want you to meet!
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh?
Father Guido Sarducci: Their nephew is-a gonna be on the show with me tonight, from Italy!
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh?
Father Guido Sarducci: And I told them they could watch the show from my dressing room.
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh… sure.
Father Guido Sarducci: I told them you wouldn’t mind.
Rodney Dangerfield: Nah!
Father Guido Sarducci: This is Gabriella Pollino —
Rodney Dangerfield: Good to see ya’.
Father Guido Sarducci: This is her husband, Ron Pollino —
Rodney Dangerfield: Nice to see you, Sir.
Father Guido Sarducci: This little girl, her name is-a Gabriela. That’s their granddaughter. She’s-a named for the grandmother. Same name!
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah…
Father Guido Sarducci: And this is Mr. Pollino’s brother. His name is Mr. Moo Mamou.
Rodney Dangerfield: Good to see ya’. Well, I tell ya’ — I got a lot of stuff to go over here, you know what I mean?
Father Guido Sarducci: Yeah, I bet you never met anybody named Gabriela before, am I right?
Rodney Dangerfield: No. No, never, never.
Father Guido Sarducci: And I’ll bet, for sure, you never met-a TWO Gabrielas in-a the same day! Right?
Rodney Dangerfield: I-I never met one in one MONTH, to tell you the truth, you know?
[ the old woman begins to speak about Dangerfield to Sarducci in Italian, confusing him for Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon, until they recognize Sarducci’s impression of Dangerfield’s “No Respect” routine ]
Father Guido Sarducci: He says they think that they saw you once!
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah? Listen, I think the show’s gonna start pretty soon. I mean, how do I know when I’m supposed to go on? I don’t know, you know what I mean?
Father Guido Sarducci: Well, you can tell because it comes-a on this television set.
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah? But the television’s not turned on!
Father Guido Sarducci: I’ll get it for you.
Rodney Dangerfield: Alright…
[ Dangerfield sits next to Jane on the couch, as Sarducci turns the TV on to reveal a close-up of Dangerfield’s face ]
Father Guido Sarducci: Hey, look! Mr. Dangerfield! That’s YOU!
[ the Italian family becomes excited and repeats Dangerfield’s routine ]
Rodney Dangerfield: Hey! What am I supposed to do?!
Jane Curtin: Oh, look, Rodney — it’s right here in your script, come on. [ she flips through his script ] Let me see, wait a second… um… Okay, Sarducci enters… [ she flips the pages ] Um… a phone call… [ she flips the pages ] Paternas and Mr. Marou… [ she flips pages ] Sarducci turns on the TV set… [ she flips the pages ] I help you find your place in the script… [ she flips the pages ] Oh, yeah! Here it is, here it is right here.
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah! Okay! [ reading from his script as he looks at the camera ] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
[ the opening montage plays on the TV set, until it dissolves to full-screen mode ]
Rodney Dangerfield: Thank you very much, folks! Thanks for coming, huh? All right! I hope you had a great time. I had a great time! Good night! Good night!
[ open on courtroom, the assemblage all sitting around murmuring to one another ]
Bailiff: Oh yeahhhhh, oh yeah! Court is now in session! Substitute Judge Wilson Crotch presiding! All riiiiiise for.. Crotch!
[ the crowd giggles as Judge Crochet approaches his bench ]
Judge Crotchet: I know you all were expecting your regular, but Judge Hoffmeyer is sick today, and I am your substitute judge. My name is Judge Crotchet – not Crotch.
[ the crowd continues to make fun of the substitute judge’s name ]
Crowd: Crotch! Crotch! Crotch!
Judge Crotchet: [ banging gavel ] Alright! I know it’s Friday, it’s the end of the week.. but just because Judge Hoffmeyer is not here, that doesn’t mean this is gonna be fun! You understand? [ sorting through the day’s dockets ] Now, while I try to find my place here, you may speak quietly to your neighbor..
[ naturally, the rowdy crowd bursts with unnecessary energy ]
Judge Crotchet: I said quietly! Qui-et-ly!
Prosecutor: [ approaching the bench ] Your Honor.. uh.. I’m the prosecuting attorney in this case, and.. yesterday, Judge Hoffmeyer said if we were good, we could have court outside today. [ the crowd gets excited ] Honestly! You can ask the defense attorney!
Defense: [ approaches the bench ] Uh.. yeah.. it’s-it’s true, your Honor, we were, uh.. gonna go to the scene of the crime and tell ghost stories.
Prosecutor: Yeah! Yeah!
Judge Crotchet: [ falling for it ] Would this be relevant to the case?
Prosecutor: Aw, sure!
Defense: Yeah, it is!
Judge Crotchet: Well, I understood that you were already in your final summations.
Prosecutor: Ohhhh.. no! No!
Defense: No!
Prosecutor: No! We were just supposed to talk about the final summations today.
Defense: Yeah! We were supposed to have, uh.. [ thinking ] ..court outside, ’cause it was my birthday!
Prosecutor: Yeahhh!
[ the crowd breaks into a chorus of “Happy Birthday To You” ]
Judge Crotchet: [ banging his gavel ] Order! Order! Or I’ll have the bailiff clear the room! [ looking around the room ] Where is the bailiff?
Defendent’s Wife: Uh.. he cleared out of the room!
[ the crowd breaks into raucous laughter ]
Defendent: That’s a good one!
Judge Crotchet: Would someone please go find him?!
Prosecutor: I’ll find him! [ exits courtroom ]
Defense: I’ll find him! [ exits courtroom ]
[ others in the courtroom attempt to exit as well ]
Judge Crotchet: [ flabbergasted ] Not everyone! Just one will do, the rest of you can sit.. my goodness.. [ looking at the case file ] Now.. where is this defendent, uh.. Mr. Richard Hertz.
Defense: Uhh.. his name is “Dick”, your Honor.
Judge Crotchet: Alright. Who’s Dick Hertz?
[ the crowd breaks into raucous laughter ]
Judge Crotchet: [ banging gavel ]
Defendent: Uh.. right here, Judge! [ laughs ]
Judge Crotchet: You just go! We don’t need you here!
Defendent: Okay! [ starts to leave ]
Bailiff: [ interceding ] Wait! Wait! Your Honor, he’s.. the de-fend-ent!
Judge Crotchet: Ohh.. well, then, we do need you, you’d better sit down. [ to the bailiff ] Where were you, anyway, Bailiff?
Bailiff: Your Honor, I was emptying the waste-bas-ket!
Judge Crotchet: [ looking at the bailiff carefully ] Do you have an older brother who’s a bailiff?
Bailiff: Yeeeeesss, your Honor.
Judge Crotchet: Yeah, I remember him-
Bailiff: In Night Court.
Judge Crotchet: Yeah, a fine bailiff in Night Court. I hope you’re as good. Now.. Mr. Hertz, is this the first time you’ve been up before me?
Defendent: I don’t know! What time do you usually get up!
[ the crowd breaks into raucous laughter ]
Judge Crotchet: [ banging gavel ] Sit down! Sit down! Now.. perhaps the Court Reporter will please refresh our memory, uh.. and tell us what were the last words of yesterday’s proceedings?
Court Reporter: [ reading the transcript ] Uh.. “Court dismissed until Ten A.M. tomorrow.”
[ the crowd breaks into raucous laughter ]
Judge Crotchet: I meant before it!
Court Reporter: Yes, your Honor.. um.. [ reading ] The Defense stated that Prosecution hasn’t produced a murder weapon or motive. And the Prosecution said, “So what? I bet he did it, anyway.”
[ the crowd chants “Li-ar! Li-ar! Li-ar! Li-ar!” ]
Court Reporter: I am no-ot!
Judge Crotchet: QUIET!! [ bangs gavel ]
[ Neighboring Jdge enters the courtroom ]
Neighboring Judge: What.. is going on in here? You’re disrupting my courtroom next door. Where is Judge Hoffmeyer?
Judge Crotchet: Uh.. Judge Hoffmeyer is sick, and I’m substituting.
Neighboring Judge: Well, I want the names of each and every one of these people, I’m going to make sure the regular judge is informed of this! And.. if I hear one more peep out of this courtroom, I am going to come back here and I’ll administer some justice! [ exits courtroom ]
[ everyone in court makes “O-o-o-ohhh” noises ]
Judge Crotchet: Well, I hope you’re all happy. Now, shall we get on with this trial?
Defendent: No, let’s forget it!
Judge Crotchet: [ banging gavel ] Silence!! Silence!! Now, Prosecutor.. why haven’t you produced a weapon?
Prosecutor: [ stalling playfully ] Oh, but we talked about that! [ ] Oh, that’s right, you weren’t here! I keep forgetting that! Yeah! I was gonna bring the murder weapon next week! I mean, they have to tag it, and say that it’s evidence and stuff like that.. they wouldn’t even let me touvh it, I guess! But, uh.. uh.. we were just gonna talk about the murder weapon, uh.. this week, uh.. we-we weren’t gonna bring it in until next week! Th-that’s what Judge Hoffmeyer said!
Defense: Your Honor.. are jurors supposed to be asleep?
Judge Crotchet: [ notices one of the jurors is asleep, while others are casually reading newspapers ] Will someone wake up that person?! Please! Wake up! And what are you jurors doing, anyway?! Does Judge Hoffmeyer allow you to read newspapers in court?!Sure! Besides.. mine’s a comic!
Judge Crotchet: You give me that! [ seizes the comic book from the juror ]Hey! That’s mine! I bought it! That’s stealing!
Judge Crotchet: You’ll get it back when court is dismissed! [ ] Excuse me! Excuse me! Perhaps you’d like to show that to everyone? Why don’t you? Come on![ happily ] O-kay! [ ]
Judge Crotchet: Order! I want order! I’ll slap you all with contempt citations so fast, it’ll make your head spin! [ returns to his bench to find his gavel missing ] Now, where is my gavel?
Crowd: I don’t know..
Judge Crotchet: Alright, who took my gavel?! [ the courtroom murmurs in amusement ] Alright, we’re not gonna continue until my gavel is returned.. [ the courtroom giggles ] Alright, I’m gonna put my hands over my eyes.. [ covers his eyes withhi hands ] ..and I want whoever took the gavel.. to return it! Now! [ no one moves ] We can wait all day.. all night, if necessary.. I’m waiting.
[ Defendent’s Wife stealthily returns the judge’s gavel to his bench ]
Judge Crotchet: Is my gavel back, Bailiff?
Bailiff: Yes, it is, your Honor.
Judge Crotchet: Who did it?
Bailiff: She did, your Honor.
[ the crowd is insulted by the Bailiff’s act of snitching ]
Defendent’s Wife: Well, I thought you said nothing would happen if I gave it back!
Judge Crotchet: That’s not what I said. Let’s ask the court reporter what I said.
Court Reporter: You said.. [ reading ] “I want whoever took it to return it now!“
Bailiff: [ clears his throat ] Uh, Judge.. I think the defendent’s wife is right. I think the court reporter’s ly-i-i-ing.
Court Reporter: [ outraged ] I am not!
Judge Crotchet: Bailiff! Bailiff, your brother would be ashamed of you! He was such a fine bailiff, I never had any trouble with him! [ Bailiff looks at the clock ] W-will you stop looking at that clock?
Bailiff: We’re supposed to have a fire drill in one minute.
Judge Crotchet: Oh, really?
Bailiff: Yes.
Judge Crotchet: Let me tell you something: before we go anywhere.. I want you all to know that I’ve been in muchlower courts that brhaved better than you do.
Defendent: Let’s all get higher in the court!
[ the crowd breaks into raucous laughter ]
Judge Crotchet: [ banging gavel ] Order! Now, listen up! I want those final summations ready for Monday!
Defense: Does it have to be typed?
Judge Crotchet: Yes, it does! And double-spaced! Judge Hoffmeyer will be back on Monday.
Crowd: Awwwwwwww..!!
Defendent’s Wife: Oh wait, we like you! Will you come back soon?
Crowd: Yeaahhhhhh..!!
Judge Crotchet: I don’t think so. [ the court begins to hum collectively ] I think you all have a lot to learn, about something.. uh.. I call, a fellow named.. Mr.. Maturity. Mr. Self-Respect’s friend. Not to forget.. Mr. Good Manners.. Mr. Politeness.. who’s humming? Stop that humming!! WHO’S HUMMING?!!
Defendent: What humming?
Judge Crotchet: What is this?! Can we STOP the humming?!! [ banging gavel repeatedly to no avail ]
[ open on interior, apartment, Susan filing her nails on the couch while Jerome waters the plants behind her ]
Susan: Honey, uh — are you sure you’re not jealous about, uh, Scott coming over? Because, uh, if you are, just say so.
Jerome: Why should I be jealous?
Susan: Well, uh, you don’t know Scott.
Jerome: Well, I’d like to meet anybody who was THAT much a part of your life.
Susan: Oh, Jerome, you’re so open!
[ the doorbell rings ]
Susan: I’ll get it.
[ Susan unlocks the door, and swings it open to reveal Scott ]
Scott: Susie! I forgot. I forgot how beautiful you are when you open the door. Do it again! For me?
[ he closes the door and rerings the doorbell ]
[ Susan opens the door to reveal Scott once again ]
Scott: I forgot. [ he closes the door ]
Susan: Okay, Scott… Scott… Scott! There’s someone I’d like you to meet. [ they cross the room ] Uh — Scott? This is Jerome, my new old man. Jerome? This is Scott, my old old man. And, uh, Scott, I want you to know that, uh, Jerome doesn’t mind you being here.
Jerome: I’m… okay behind it.
Susan: Jerome’s into trying to feel… his feelings.
Scott: [ smiling ] I feel like sitting down.
[ Susan and Jerome laugh ]
Susan: Let’s.
[ they all sit ]
Scott: What do you do, Jerome?
Jerome: I… work on myself. Not a lot of money in it — yet!
Scott: [ he laughs ] Well, keep plucking. [ to Susan ] What have you been doing, Susan?
Susan: Uh — I’ve been working on Jerome, too.
Jerome: It’s a… process. So, Scott… what, uh, brings you to Santa Barbara?
Scott: I’m with the national touring company of “The Fantasticks”. We’re playing at the Cine Auditorium tonight.
Susan: Uh — he plays El Gallo. You still play El Gallo, don’t you?
Scott: Nine years! [ he chuckles ] I eat, breathe, and sleep El Gallo. Except for my commercial work.
Jerome: Oh, you do commercials?
Scott: Are you familiar with the Budweiser Taste Buds? [ Jerome nods ] I’m the third Bud from the left.
Jerome: Well, that’s great. So, Scott, uh — Susan tells me that, uh, you were a better lover than I am.
Scott: Oh, I don’t know what you’re like, Jerome.
Susan: Well, uh, Jerome’s becoming less sexual and more sensual.
Jerome: Yeah! It’s a… slow process.
Susan: Yes. It is. [ she turns to Scott ] Well, Scott — are you growing?
[ Jerome reaches for Susan’s unresponsive arm ]
Scott: Well, people still say my El Gallo still is. And Scott is changing, too. For instance, uh — I don’t hate women any more.
Susan: Well, that’s wonderful, Scott. Is there — is there someone special you don’t hate?
Scott: Well, yes, I — I’ve finally found someone.
Susan: Really? What’s she like?
[ Susan shoves Jerome’s hand off her arm ]
Scott: Well… she’s young. She’s very young. She’s a kid, really. And… I… teach, and yet, I learn from her, too.
Susan: Is it serious?
Scott: I don’t know. It’s a whole different thing, you know? I think it’s good for me, but, uh, I don’t really know what it is yet.
Susan: Yeah. [ she smiles ] I was just thinking: Remember that day we met in the supermarket?
Scott: [ he laughs ] Yeah! The wheels of our carts got stuck together, and you said, “Whoa-oa, Ben Hur!”
Susan: [ she laughs ] I remember the only thing that you had in your cart were frozen carrots and fresh carrots. And I said —
Scott: You said, “Boy, you must really like carrots!” And I said, “Mwah!” [ he chews rapidly ] “What’s up, Doc!” [ Susan laughs ] And you know something? I still have that frozen bag of carrots.
Susan: You don’t.
Scott: [ he shakes his head ] No. But I wish I did.
Jerome: I’m starting to feel bad now. [ he examines himself from within ] Yeah. I definitely feel bad. Uh — how does that make you feel, Scott?
Scott: Not great. But I feel a bit weird — hitting on your old lady right in front of you.
Jerome: Me, too, man. Uh — how do you feel, Susie?
Susan: Honestly?
Jerome: Be open, darling.
Susan: Well, Jerome, uh — I know we’re covering new ground here, and growth sometimes hurts, but, uh, to be honest, I find myself feeling attracted to Scott right now.
Jerome: Well, look — if that’s the way you both feel, I’ll just leave, okay? [ he stands and crosses the room ] Otherwise, the anger underneath all these candy-ass feelings that are all I’m allowed to feel, uh, might just come bubbling through, and then it’s gonna get angry and ugly and bad!
Scott: [ standing ] Hey, hey — relax, man. I’ll back off. It’s no big deal, man.
Jerome: [ he breathes a sigh of relief ] Sorry, man…
Scott: You know how it is. I mean, I’m from out of town, I’m lonely. I think, who the hell do I know in Santa Barbara.
Jerome: Yeah. I can dig that.
Scott: I mean, what am I worried about? I’m El Gallo, and we’re sold out tonight —
Susan: [ angry ] I cannot believe that I almost fell for this again! I mean, I haven’t heard from you or seen you since I left you last September! And here you come in here and start… just… the SAME old tricks!
Scott: For the History books, Susan — you didn’t leave me. We agreed that you should leave.
Susan: Ooh, you’re really something!
Jerome: Uh, look, Scott, uh — I think that Susie needs her space right now. So, why don’t we take our feelings down to Le Brew & You and get really twisted, huh?
Scott: Yeah, a good idea! But, uh, before we go, Susie — I just want to say that, what we had was real. and now you have something else, and that’s real, too. I think you and Jerome are doing wonderful things with Jerome. But, I want you to know that, when you left that September, you took a part of me with you. I’ll never forget you, honey. [ a beat ] “Deep in September… it’s nice to remember / Without a hurt… the heart is hollow.”
[ Jerome checks his watch ]
Scott: [ singing ] “Deep in December, it’s nice to remember, The fire of September that made us mellow. Deep in December, our hearts should remember And follow. Follow. Follow, follow, follow.”
[ Jerome opens the door and leads the way ]
Jerome: [ singing ] “Follow. Follow.”
[ Scott turns ]
Jerome: [ singing ] “Follow.”
[ Scott follows Jerome into the hall and closes the door behind them, leaving Susan alone with her thoughts and feelings ]
Susan: Barbara? [ a beat ] “Follow. Follow, follow, follow.”
[ she opens the door and steps into the hall ]
Susan: “Follow…”
[ pull back to reveal wide shot of set, with SUPER: “coming up next: Eye Shadow Boxing” ]
Howard Hesseman: Listen — every time I’ve watched “Saturday Night Live”… I’ve seen and heard hosts stand up here and say what an extraordinary week it’s been. Uh — extraordinary is really an understatement. This has been, uh — juicy. [ everyone laughs with him ] I’ve gotta thank all the people at “WKRP” for making it easy for me to be here. I certainly have to thank the cast and the staff and the crew of this show for really putting themselves into it all the time — it’s sensational. I’d like to thank Randy Newman for being here. [ everyone applauds ] Yeah! I’d also like to thank radio for making television possible! And I’d like to thank… each and every one of you for making yourselves possible this evening! Thank you! Good night!
Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Martin Sheen with musical guest David Bowie. And watch “The BEST of Saturday Night Live” on Wednesday at 10/9 Mountain and Central. This is the multilingual Don Pardo, saying: “In English!” Good night.
[ open on footage of the nuclear reactors at Three Mile Island, over bouncy music ]
Announcer: And now, it’s time for… “The Nuclear Family”.
[ title card appears over a lone house situated between two large nuclear reactors ]
[ dissolve to interior, living room ]
[ Mom enters room yawning, still in her overnight robe. She lightly dusts a lampshade before sitting down on the couch ]
[ Dad enters ]
Dad: [ groggy-voiced ] Hey, I’m home.
Mom: Oh hi, honey! How was work?
Dad: Oh, okay. I’m just bushed. I sure am glad the plant’s nearby — if it was any further, I-I think I’d just have to… [ he collapses into a chair along the wall ] get another job.
Mom: Well, why don’t you make yourself a drink?
Dad: [ he stands ] No, no, no. I’m really too tired. [ he moves over to sit next to his wife on the couch ] How was your day?
Mom: Fine. Fine. I just got up a little while ago.
Dad: Oh, yeah. [ he begins to fiddle with a tooth ] I think this one’s gonna be gone by morning. [ he pulls the tooth out ] No.
Mom: Oh. Another one. Oh golly, honey. [ she nearly loses her train of thought ] Oh, uh, by the way — we’ve been invited over to dinner with the Stelsons.
Dad: Again? [ she nods ] I don’t feel like going, honey. I have a cold.
Mom: Oh now, honey, you can’t use that excuse again.
Dad: But I AM sick! I’ve had this cold for months. I just can’t shake it.
Mom: Well, have you seen the company doctor?
Dad: Yeah. I must have been X-rayed a hundred times.
[ their Son enters the door, his arm in a sling ]
Billy: Hi.
Mom: Hi, Son! What happened to you?
Dad: You hurt yourself in practice?
Billy: Not exactly. I was in the locker room at school, and I pulled my t-shirt over my head and heard this snap. I think I broke my arm.
Mom: Ohhhhh, well, well, Mr. Briitle Bones!
Dad: Ah, sometimes I think you’ll do anything to get out of helping us around the house so he can spend more time with that girlfriend of his!
Billy: Come on, Dad.
[ he sits next to his dad on the couch ]
[ Dad laughs playfully and pats the boy’s head, accidentally pulling a clump of hair loose from the back ]
Mom: Listen, how is Janie, anyway? I haven’t seen her around here. Did you two have a fight? She used to be around here all the time.
Billy: Aw, she hasn’t been feeling too well lately.
Mom: Ohhh. I hope it’s not too serious. [ she scratches her hair and pulls out a clump attached to a roller ] She’s such a cute girl.
Dad: The boy spends TOO much time with her, if you ask me. Now, maybe he’ll pay more attention to his school work. By the way, Billy — I think I can pull a few strings and get you a job at the plant this summer.
Billy: I don’t know, Dad. Could we talk about that later? I’m really tired now. [ he dozes off ]
Dad: [ surrendering ] Okay.
[ their daughter enters the front door ]
Daughter: Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Mom: [ chuckling ] What took you so long?
Daughter: Oh, I rested on the way.
Mom: Don’t you have a big date tonight, honey?
Daughter: Oh, not any more. I told Ryan I couldn’t make it. [ she starts to pull clumps of hair from her head ]
Mom: Why not?
Daughter: I’m not going anywhere until my skin clears up! I don’t think it ever will.
Mom: Honey, ALL young girls your age go through this. If you’d just stop picking at that sore, it would go away!
Daughter: But I HAVEN’T been picking it, I SWEAR! It just won’t go away! I’m gonna start wearing a veil to school.
Mom: Why don’t you have a glass of lemonade? It’s got LOTS of sugar in it, it’ll pick you right up!
Daughter: No. I don’t think so. I feel a little queasy. I think I’m just gonna go to my room.
[ she exits the living room ]
Mom: Billy? Some lemonade?
Billy: [ thinking ] Yeah. I guess I could hold that down.
Mom: Then, why don’t you go fix it?
Billy: Okay.
[ Billy exits to the kitchen ]
Dad: Honey, uh, why don’t you just call the Stelsons, and just tell them that we’re not coming, okay?
Mom: Ohhh, no, honey. You’re not getting out of it this time.
Dad: Then, just let me get a little shuteye first, hmm? Could you turn out the light?
Mom: Okay, dear.
[ she crosses the room, turns out the light, then exits ]
[ reveal Dad laying asleep on the couch in the dark, as green light radiates from his chest ]
Announcer: Join us tomorrow for more fun with “The Nuclear Family”.
Steve Marvin…..Harry Shearer Secretary…..Laraine Newman …..Howard Hesseman Ken Bleiman…..Bill Murray
[ open on Stereo 105 studio, disc jockey Steve Marvin bobbing his head at the console as Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven” wraps up ]
Steve Marvin: Zep — “Stairway” — What a dynamite way to start off a morning! Hey! We kicked off this set wih Bob Segar — Rock ‘n Roll really does never forget, does it? Weird thing about Rock ‘N Roll!
[ as he patters, the station’s secretary enters the studio with Howard Hesseman in tow. Steve indicates for Howard to sit as he shakes his hand without missing a beat ]
Steve Marvin: And — uh — we squeezed, right in the middle there, Linda Ronstadt — “Heart Like a Wheel”, from 1975. Hey, that’s hard to believe, isn’t it? Good morning! From Stereo 105’s wild Madman of the Morning! I’m Steve Marvin, with you until Ten!
Cosole Voice: [ as Steve presses a switch ] I DON’T BELIIIIIIEEEEVE YOOOOOUUUUU!!
Steve Marvin: [ laughing ] Will you get out of here! That’s a crazy guy over there! Hey! It’s 7:19 in the A.M., Stereo 105 Free the Hostages Time!
[ Steve pots it over to a commercial and turns to the Secretary ]
Steve Marvin: Yeah?
Secretary: Howard Hesseman, this is Steve Marvin.
[ they shake hands again ]
Howard Hesseman: Hi, how you doing there?
Steve Marvin: I’m doing GREAT! We’re #1 in the morning! You kidding me? You know, ratings don’t hurt!
Howard Hesseman: No.
Steve Marvin: [ as he switches out a record ] Hey — I love your show. It’s the BEST thing on the tube!
Howard Hesseman: [ flattered ] Oh — thanks. We have a lot of fun doing it.
Steve Marvin: Really? It looks like hard work.
Howard Hesseman: Well, it’s that, too, I —
Steve Marvin: Oh, yeah? [ he taps a pencil ] Well, that show and “Mork & Mindy” are the only two things worth watching on the tube — unless you’re, you know, a “60 Minutes” freak or something.
Howard Hesseman: Yeah. Well, I guess there are a few of those —
Steve Marvin: Hold it! [ he places his headphones on and leans into the mike ] Available at all Records Plus stores for only $5.99. You get MORE than records… at Records Plus! [ he removes his headphones ] Yeah — so, uh, how much time you got, Howard?
Howard Hesseman: Uhh — they said it would be in about fifteen minutes, I guess…
Steve Marvin: [ stunned ] Wow! I am so far behind on commercials, man. I will TRY to give you a second segment because you’re a Network guy! Okay?
Secretary: [ to Howard ] Can I get you something?
Howard Hesseman: Uh — yeah, I could use some coffee real bad.
Secretary: Oh, God, I’m sorry. They don’t unlock the coffee machine until about Nine. We have Coke, Pepsi, uh… Two Fingers.
Howard Hesseman: [ interested ] Two Fingers, the tequila?
[ she smiles at Howard ]
Steve Marvin: Hold it! Hey, read this! [ he shoves a sheet of paper into Howard’s hands and thrusts the mike at his face ]
Howard Hesseman: Uh — [ reading ] Starts Friday at a Black Hole Showcase Theater near you. Check theaters for showtimes, and check your newspaper for theaters.
Steve Marvin: [ hitting the control buttons ] Great! Hey, that was dynamite! You could actually do this for a living! [ he chuckles ] So! What do you want to talk about — the show?
Howard Hesseman: Uhh — yeah. You know, I’m on one of those promotional tours that the networks likes you to do, particularly when they’re moving your show to a weaker position for the second or third time —
Steve Marvin: [ busying himself with a record and not really paying attention ] Uh-huh.
Howard Hesseman: Often, on a different night. And they always do that right at the point where you’re really starting to get some good ratings.
Steve Marvin: Yeah, well ratings don’t mean SQUAT! You know that better than anybody. Hey! Here’s what we’ll do: I’ll aks you what’s new about the show, you’ll tell me about the time change, uh, and you’ll tell me about being a disc jockey on the air. Alright?
Howard Hesseman: Fine. Uh — this mike?
Steve Marvin: Hold it. [ into his mike, as Howard tries to get his attention regarding which mike to use ] We have a guest this morning, here at Stereo 105, and it’s a joy to see him, and he MUST feel right at home here because he’s from WKRP in Cincinnati! On the show, he’s Dr. Johnny Fever, but to us he’s better known as plain ol’ Howard Hesseman. Howard, welcome!
Howard Hesseman: Thanks, Steve. Uh — it’s a little early in the morning for me to be saying “Thank you” to anyone, but… if I could mean it, I would.
Steve Marvin: [ laughing ] Howard! It’s not too early for Dr. Johnny Fever, is it? He’s a morning guy at your station, am I right?
Howard Hesseman: Yeah. He’s — he’s one of those guys that’s just been in radio forever. [ Steve hand-motions Howard to move closer to the mike ] And — and — uh — [ Steve hand-motions him closer ] As time has turned on the wheel — [ Steve hand-motions him closer ] He finds himself playing — [ Steve hand-motions Howard to back up from the mike ] Rock ‘N Roll, and — [ Steve hand-motions Howard a little to the side, then gives him the Okay sign ] He’s doing a morning drive-time shift. You know, I — I just feel he’s the sort of person people really know.
Steve Marvin: Yeah.
Howard Hesseman: He’s really a radio man!
Steve Marvin: Yeah, well I’m a radio man, and I’ve never done anything but play Rock ‘N Roll in the morning — it’s amazing! Howard, I LOVE the show, bit I gotta ask ya’: When you’re doing your show on The show… you don’t wear the earphones. How come?
Howard Hesseman: Uhh — artistic license! [ he chuckles, as Steve begins to busy himself with radio equipment ] We’re doing a TV show — it’s not a radio station, you know? And, basically, you’re just trying to let the audience hear the music along with us, ’cause we think music’s an important part of the show.
Steve Marvin: Uh-huh.
Howard Hesseman: So if I’ve got earphones on, then nobody else can hear the music, right?
Steve Marvin: Uh-huh. [ now rejoining the conversation ] Well, you have an improvisational background — Howard Hesseman, of course, who we’re talking with this morning. Maybe we should do a little business, take a couple of commercials — when we come back, do some nutty stuff with the Madman of the Morning. Whaddaya think?
Howard Hesseman: [ unenthusiastically ] Maybe.
Steve Marvin: Hey, before we do that… what;s your opinion of this whole Iran thing, huh? [ he turns away to attend to other equipment ]
Howard Hesseman: Well… uh… I was watching a lot of television, you know, on Thanksgiving Day, and, uh… it’s strange, all these big inflatable animals and fantasy characters —
Steve Marvin: The Macy’s Parade, and all that.
Howard Hesseman: Yeah. And, uh — I’m thinking, uh, if the Iranians are really monitoring our television broadcasts to see what the reaction is in this country to what’s going on over there… uh, then they’re probably developing some really bizarre notions about our religious rights.
Steve Marvin: Yeah, well ALL our rights, probably — the whole First Amendment’s shot. Hey! Howard Hesseman is in with us, and speaking of Rights — We’ll be… right back!
Howard Hesseman: Nice.
[ newsman Ken Bleiman enters the studio ]
Ken Bleiman: Sounds great out there!
Steve Marvin: Oh, yeah? Great!
Ken Bleiman: Howard’s level could be up a little more, it sounds like he’s far away.
Steve Marvin: Uhh — it’s the same ol’ problem with the mikes. Hey! Howard, this is the guy who does our news on our morning show — Ken Bleiman.
[ Howard reaches up to shake Ken’s hand ]
Ken Bleiman: You know, Howard, the one thing wrong with your show… is that the news director walks around in a suit. Nobody would ever do that on the radio.
Howard Hesseman: Uh-huh. [ laughing ] Well, he doesn’t always wear a suit.
Ken Bleiman: Oh, yeah? Well, that’s good. That’s probably more realistic not to do it all the time.
[ Ken begins to set up his news stand in an adjacent corner of the studio ]
Steve Marvin: Howard, do you do characters? ‘Cause if you do voices, you know, like a Howard Cosell? I do, uh — Ken can vouch me on this — I do a GREAT Frank Gifford —
Ken Bleiman: He’s a great Gifford.
Steve Marvin: Thank you, Ken! [ to Howard ] And, if you did a Cosell, we could get nutty, you know?
Howard Hesseman: [ on the spot ] Yeah, I-I-I-I don’t do Howard Cosell. I barely do Howard Hesseman. [ Steve laughs condescendingly, hoping to get what he wants ] But, listen, man — it’s your show. I’ll do whatever you want. [ trying to change the subject ] W-what’s the next record? Maybe we could —
Steve Marvin: Well, we don’t have another record until the news — or, after the news.
Ken Bleiman: Uh — and I’m gonna run a little late this morning. I got a tape of a guy who was a Rent-a-Cop at the Who concert.
Steve Marvin: Oh. Great!
[ Ken readies himself for the commercial break to end ]
Ken Bleiman: You know, that’s another thing, Howard: Uh — do you mind if I call you “Howard”?
Howard Hesseman: Beats calling me “Phil”.
Steve Marvin: [ laughing ] Hey, that is very blithe! [ seriously ] Is that yours?
[ Howard nods ]
Ken Bleiman: You know — anyway, the strange thing is, a lot of strange stuff happens when you’re doing radio news that you guys never cover. Like yesterday. I’m in here, and I come in to do the news report, and the AP wire breaks down, like, two minutes before? And I had to use the weather report from the day before. And I got away with it!
[ Howard nods politely ]
Steve Marvin: Hold it! [ into the mike ] Hey! We are sitting here chewing the fat with one of my favorite guys from radio-via-TV, here on Stereo 105 — Howard Hesseman! Howard was just telling me during the commercial — of course, we listen to the commercials, but you were telling me in between them — that you do this Howard Cosell bit that you want to share with the folks! Let’s hear it!
Howard Hesseman: Yeah, I — I don’t think that’s actually what I said, Steve. But, uh… if you want me to butcher Howard Cosell so you can do your Frank Gifford bit… I’m game.
Steve Marvin: [ laughing through his embarrassment ] Howard’s pulling my leg a little bit because I put him on the spot — it’s a little early this morning, and I understand it! Hey, we are doing something pretty important, Howard, that maybe it could be a, uh, story for one of your shows. I don’t know, where do you guys get your ideas for the show?
Howard Hesseman: Well, uh, some of our writers, uh, worked in radio. [ Steve is busy prepping his controls, not paying attention ] You know. And, uh, a lot of times we just take old “Dick Van Dyke” scripts and change the plot.
Steve Marvin: Uh-huh. What we’re doing is, we’re giving away armbands that say “Free The Hostages”, and, uh, I’m sure what you’d like to do is, stick around after the show, maybe autograph fifty or a hundred of ’em. And uh, we could auction them off, you know, raise some money, send the money over to the hostages — just FORWARD it over to them — and let ’em know that the Americans are behind them and, uh — I know I’m putting you on the spot a little bit.
Howard Hesseman: You — you’re gonna forward the money to the hostages?
Steve Marvin: [ not grasping Howard’s confusion ] Yeah. Or, uh, open a trust fund for them. Something like that.
Howard Hesseman: Trust fund?
Steve Marvin: Sure.
Howard Hesseman: Uh-huh. Uh — well, if that makes sense to you. Uh — I guess politics don’t make that much sense to me any more.
Steve Marvin: Well, I’ll tell ya’ — at 7:26 in the morning, nothing makes much sense! Especially when you’re fighting that traffic. And that’s the great thing about radio, Howard. You see, the —
[ Howard impatiently lunges forward and pins Steve’s neck so he can get a sensible word in edgewise. Steve repeatedly motions Howard toward a sheet of paper in his hand, information that desperately needs to get on the air. ]
Howard Hesseman: Steve, one of the other things that’s really great about radio — and it’s a cliche, but it’s true — it utilizes the imagination of the listener! And that’s what’s going on in the studio, see? It’s not — it’s a lot DIFFERENT from what you THINK when you’re listening at home! And that’s what’s fun about doing “WKRP”, Steve, ’cause we get to SHOW the audience that! We get to fill in the GAPS in their imaginations! You know, Steve?
[ Howard releases his grip ]
Steve Marvin: Hey! Thanks for filling in for me, Howard! Because I just had to rush over to the traffic control center for this bulletin: [ he points to his throat and gives an okay-signal to Ken ] The, uh, Eisenhower Expressway is a mess this morning — uh, avoid Eisenhower if you can, use an alternate.
Howard Hesseman: Uh-huh. That would have been great then.
Steve Marvin: [ confused ] What, you mean earlier this morning?
Howard Hesseman: No, in the Fifties.
Steve Marvin: [ laughing ] The whole Eisenhower thing! [ he honks a prop horn ] You are too fast for me, Howard Hesseman! That is why you’re on TV and I’m on morning radio, I bet! Hey! I can’t thank you enough for being with us. I guess next time you’re on radio, we’ll be seeing you on TV, huh? [ he dings a bell ]
Howard Hesseman: Uh — unless, uh, I’m on the radio doing a radio show like this.
Steve Marvin: Uh-huh.
Howard Hesseman: In which case —
Cosole Voice: [ as Steve presses a switch ] I DON’T BELIIIIIIEEEEVE YOOOOOUUUUU!!
Steve Marvin: [ laughing ] Will you let him alone? He’s a guest!
[ Steve honks the prop horn again and pots the controls to a commercial ]
Steve Marvin: Hey, that was GREAT! That’s the best interview I’ve ever done. Swear to God.
Howard Hesseman: [ flattered ] Really?
Steve Marvin: Thank you.
Howard Hesseman: Well, strangely enough, you know, we never did mention the fact that our show is being moved in the time schedule, so, uh — I think that’s the reason they asked me to come here.
Steve Marvin: Oh, well, I wouldn’t worry about it, man, ’cause I’ll mention it in the next hour. You know, more people are listening then, anyway — it’s rush hour.
Howard Hesseman: Oh, great. Well, I gotta go now. Uh, listen — thanks a lot. I hate to fly out in the face of a good rush.
Steve Marvin: Yeah, well —
[ Steve pots the controls and points to Ken for the news ]
[ as Ken delivers the news, Steve stands to shake Howard’s hand goodbye, then they exchange a series of hand signals as Howard makes his exit from the studio ]
Ken Bleiman: Good morning. The news, for Stereo 105. I’m Ken Bleiman. And the question this morning seems to be: Are rock groups responsible for the violence that occurs at their concerts. One man who thinks so, is a man named Frank Putnam.
[ pull back on scene, as SUPER appears: “coming up next… Will the CIA Overthrow Santa Claus?” ]
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtain.
Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.
Our top story tonight: Senator Edward Kennedy’s wife, Joan, who has lived alone for the past two years, said this week that if her husband were elected President she would live in the White House. Kennedy, informed of her decision, immediately withdrew from the race.
With greater shortages than expected, due to the cutoff of Iranian oil imports, a revival of the odd-even gas rationing plan is anticipated in many states. However, because of negative reaction voiced by a majority of citizens, the odd-even plan has been modified, and will only be in effect on every other day.
Jane Curtin: And, an embarrassing note: 19-year-old Anita Dark of St. Petersburg, Florida, filed a paternity suit this week, and has claimed that the father is Weekend Update Sportscaster Chico Escuela. Ms. Dark alleged that she became intimate with Mr. Escuela last Spring, when Chico was in Florida attempting a comeback with the New York Mets. On advice from his lawyer, Chico can’t comment on Anita Dark, but he is here this week to tell us about sports. Welcome home, Chico!
Chico Escuela: Thank you, Hane. Basebal bin berra berra good to me. Anita Dark bin berra berra good to me.. but Chico can’t talk about it. In sports, Charles White won the.. how do you say.. Heisman Trophy. Now, look at this run. Charles White is the best football player. He runs with authority. Chico run from authority.. but I can’t talk about it.
Uh.. Darrell Dawkins does it agian. Look at this. [ show video of slam dunk that shatters the glass backboard ] He break the glass! He break it! Why do they use glass? The backboard should be stronger! Should use cement.. or steel.. or iron. Not rubber! Rubber break! But I can’t talk about it. Back to you, Hane.
Jane Curtin: Nice work, Chico.
Due to a recent crisis, there’s been a dramatic change in the latest “Weekend Update” Glickman Poll of Presidential hopefuls. As you can see, it’s still very close between Carter and Kennedy, and their tough battle may be the reason Glickman is so far ahead this early in the campaign. Needless to say, the Glickman camp is cautiously optimistic. Good luck, Glickman.
Hollywood superstar Steve McQueen said this week that he would not consider any movie deal in the future, or even read a script, unless he was guaranteed a minimum of $5 million and 15% of the domestic gross. McQueen has agreed, however, to read a newspaper for only $2 million, and also local traffic signs for a fee that can be negotiated through his agent.
The British rock group The Who, Cincinnati’s Riverfront Stadium, and a concert promoter were named as co-defendents in a $27 million class-action suit, because of a mishap that occurred earlier this week. The legal proceedings were marred, however, when they broke for lunch, and four city councilmen were trampled to death.
Jane Curtin: Well, the 1970’s are in their final month, and with some thoughts on this decade and the one we’re about to enter, here’s Weekend Update’s Social Sciences Editor Al Franken.
Al Franken: Thank you, Jane. Well, the “me” decade is almost over, and good riddance, and far as I’m concerned. The 70’s were simply 10 years of people thinking of nothing but themselves. No wonder we were unable to get together and solve any of the many serious problems facing our nation. Oh sure, some people did do some positive things in the 70’s – like jogging – but always for the wrong reasons, for their own selfish, personal benefit. Well, I believe the 80’s are gonna have to be different. I think that people are going to stop thinking about themselves, and start thinking about me, Al Franken. That’s right. I believe we’re entering what I like to call the Al Franken Decade. Oh, for me, Al Franken, the 80’s will be pretty much the same as the 70’s. I’ll still be thinking of me, Al Franken. But for you, you’ll be thinking more about how things affect me, Al Franken. When you see a news report, you’ll be thinking, “I wonder what Al Franken thinks about this thing?”, “I wonder how this inflation thing is hurting Al Franken?” And you women will be thinking, “What can I wear that will please Al Franken?”, or “What can I not wear?” You know, I know a lot of you out there are thinking, “Why Al Franken?” Well, because I thought of it, and I’m on TV, so I’ve already gotten the jump on you. So, I say let’s leave behind the fragmented, selfish 70’s, and go into the 80’s with a unity and purpose. That’s what I think. I’m Al Franken. Jane?
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Al. That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Air Date:
Rodney’s Dressing Room
Summary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) bunks up in Rodney Dangerfield’s dressing room and brings in visitors to help invade the small space.
Summary: Rodney Dangerfield jokes about his lack of respect in life.
Summary: Spokesman (Harry Shearer) promotes the authentic gold coin that celebrates the African miners who dug it up.
Summary: Dangerfield tries to keep up with townspeople who crave his sperm donation.
Summary: Bill Murray questions Tony Dow and Jerry Mathers about the latter’s Vietnam War death rumor. Father Guido Sarducci interviews a recipient of a nationality-change operation.
Summary: Nightclub comedian Rodney Davis (Rodney Dangerfield) ponders whether or not a relationship with 10-year old Tracy (Laraine Newman) is right for him.
Summary: Curt Gowdy (Harry Shearer) asks athletes whether President Carter’s boycott of the Summer Games in Moscow will hurt the Russians or American athletes.
Summary: Gilda Radner and Jane Curtin announces that next week is “SNL”‘s 100th episode.
Summary: A substitute judge (Brian Doyle-Murray) deals with an unruly courtroom trying to take advantage of him.
Summary: A salute to the men and women who inspect shirts manufactured in America.
