Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 5: Episode 10 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
February 9th, 1980 Chevy Chase Marianne Faithfull Tom Scott None Bert Convy Anne Beatts Tom Gammill Sarah Paley Max Pross Rosie Shuster Akira Yoshimura Rancho HousoSummary: Henry Kissinger (Al Franken) wants to convince Gerald Ford (Chevy Chase) to run for President again, if only they can agree whether to meet at the top or the bottom of the stairs. Recurring Characters: Gerald Ford, Betty Ford, Henry Kissinger. Transcript
Montage
Chevy Chase’s MonologueSummary: Chevy Chase has patched his feud with Bill Murray, and the two sing various odd duets. Transcript
Pre-Chew Charlie’sSummary: Those who can’t chew their own food are going to get spoiled by the staff services of Pre-Chew Charlie’s (Bill Murray).
The Bel AirabsSummary: With help from the FBI, Abdul (Don Novello) and clan attempt a sting operation on a local congressman (Tom Davis). Recurring Characters: Abdul Asad, Mudhad Asad, Fatima Asad, Granny, Miss Hathaway.
Marianne Faithfull performs “Broken English”
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Bill Murray delivers a commentary about the benefits of drafting women into war. Bill Murray sings “Happy Birthday” to busts of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. Transcript
You Can’t Win!Summary:
Speaking of Fashion …and other thingsSummary: Recurring Characters: Mr. Blackwell.
Marianne Faithfull performs “Guilt”
Schiller’s ReelSummary: An in-depth profile of “Linden Palmer, Hollywood’s Forgotten Director”.
The Talking LetterSummary: Somewhere on the coast of Honduras, a tourist (Jane Curtin) records an audiotape account of her vacation to send home to Mother (Laraine Newman).
Betty Ford…..Jane Curtin Henry Kissinger…..Al FRanken Gerald Ford…..Chevy Chase
[ open on house exterior, with SUPER ]
Announcer: Rancho Houso, Home of Ex-President Gerald Ford.
[ dissolve to interior, as doorbell rings ]
Voice of Gerald Ford: Honey, you want to turn that down, please?
Betty Ford: I’ll get it, Jerry! [ she opens the door ] Henry!
Henry Kissinger: Betty! Betty, you look ravishing!
[ they kiss hello ]
Betty Ford: Thank you! Come on in, Henry.
Henry Kissinger: Thank you.
Betty Ford: So… Jerry tells me you’re trying to convince him to run for President?
Henry Kissinger: Well, he — he MUST accept the draft, Betty.We NEED him. Reagan is simply… too old… And Bush is a lightveight. Uh, Jerry is, uh… vell… he’s not too old, so. And let me tell you something, Betty — I served two presidents. And Nixon, at times he could be difficult. But, uh, Jerry — he was always so, so… simple. By the vay, uh, how’s his forehead?
Betty Ford: Oh! Much better!
Henry Kissinger: So, uh — vhat’s our next President up to? What’s he doing?
Betty Ford: Oh, he’s upstairs cleaning the cellar!
Henry Kissinger: Well, why don’t you tell him I’m here?
Betty Ford: Oh! Oh! [ she walks over to the foot of the stairs ] Honey! Henry’s here!
Voice of Gerald Ford: Henry’s hair? What’s wrong with Henry’s hair?
Betty Ford: No, no. Henry’s here.
Voice of Gerald Ford: Oh!
Henry Kissinger: Well… why don’t I go up and get him, okay?
Betty Ford: Can I get you a drink?
Voice of Gerald Ford: Send him down!
Henry Kissinger: Yeah, I’ll go — I’ll go up! I’ll have whatever Jerry’s having, okay?
Betty Ford: Two Perriers and soda.
[ Kissinger shrugs, then starts up the stairs as Gerald Ford appears at the top to thunderous applause ]
Gerald Ford: Henry!
[ Chevy Chase shies away from the applause ]
Henry Kissinger: Mr. President! Mr. President!
Gerald Ford: [ re-emerging ] Henry!
Henry Kissinger: Mr. President!
Gerald Ford: It’s good to see you!
[ Chevy shoves a finger in his ear to clear the ringing ]
Henry Kissinger: Mr. President! I think that we should talk about the possibility of a draft.
Gerald Ford: I’m getting a little old, aren’t I, Henry, uh…? I think maybe the Coast Guard, but I…
Henry Kissinger: No, Mr. President! I’m talking about a presidential draft. I… I think I have the perfect slogan: “What America needs… America had.”
Gerald Ford: [ thinking ] That’s not bad. Why don’t I come down, and we can discuss it.
Henry Kissinger: Oh, no! No, Mr. President —
[ Ford takes a step and walks into the wall ]
Henry Kissinger: Mr. President, I’ll come up!
Gerald Ford: No, no, no. You’re fat, Henry. Don’t bother.
Henry Kissinger: No, no! I insist! I’ll come up!
[ Henry begins the ascent ]
Gerald Ford: No, no, please, please.
Henry Kissinger: No, I’m up! I’m coming up. I’m coming up.
[ Betty re-enters with the drinks ]
Betty Ford: Two Perriers and soda!
Henry Kissinger: I’ll get them! I’ll bring them up, okay? I’ll bring them up.
[ Henry descends the stairs ]
Gerald Ford: This is silly. I’ll just come down. I mean —
Henry Kissinger: Okay, but be careful. Be careful.
[ Ford slips slightly on his descent, but maintains his balance ]
Gerald Ford: I’m fine!
Betty Ford: [ holding out the drinks tray ] Here you go, dear.
Gerald Ford: Oh, I forgot my pipe! I’ll be right back!
[ Ford stumbles as he runs up the stairs, but makes it safely to the top ]
Henry Kissinger: Well, he… he appears to be the same ol’ Jerry, Betty!
Betty Ford: Well, sometimes I think he’s not as quick as he used to be, but then he’ll just turn around and surprise you!
Voice of Gerald Ford: I’m coming down, Henry!
Henry Kissinger: No, no! I vant to come up! I’ll come up, Mr. President!
Voice of Gerald Ford: Alright, come on up!
Henry Kissinger: Okay, I’m coming up!
[ Henry begins his ascent, as the phone rings ]
Voice of Betty Ford: Henry!
Henry Kissinger: Yes?
Voice of Betty Ford: There’s a call for you.
Henry Kissinger: Okay, I’ll — uh, Jerry? There’s a call for me.
[ Henry begins his desceent ]
Voice of Gerald Ford: I’ll get it!
Henry Kissinger: [ muttering to himself ] No, no…
[ at the bottom of the stairs, Henry follows Betty to an off-screen den ]
[ suddenly, Ford tumbles headfirst down the stairs and topples over a plantstand before looking into the camera ]
Gerald Ford: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Chevy Chase: I’d like to thank the goat. I’d like to thank Marianne Faithfull. I’d like to thank Tom Scott. I’d like to thank all my great friends here. It was a great night, thank you!
[ the closing music pots up, as Chevy wraps an arm around Marianne Faithfull and momentarily psyches her out with a handshake. He then turns around to interact with everyone else on stage and finally notices Bert Convy, whom he forgot to thank. Chevy reacts with great surprise, but still manages to acknowledge Convy by pointing to him on-camera as the credits begin to roll. ]
Chevy Chase: You know, it’s really great to be back on “Saturday Night”. This is where it all began. You know, over the years since I left, a lot of people have asked whether I’ve had any regrets about leaving. And… uh… there are — I left a briefcase here. I know it’s probably sure gone… that I’m for sure.
But really… uh… it’s been a chance for me to loosen up a bit and work with one of the few talented men I know. You know, the last time I was here —
[ An audience member’s loud laughter catches Chevy’s attention. ]
Chevy Chase: No, really!
[ The whole audience laughs. ]
Chevy Chase: Last time I was here, there were some rumors about a couple of us not getting along too well. And that kind of stuff, well, it makes headlines. In fact, I’d love nothing better than to bat around a couple of songs back and forth with this man. He’s kind of a friend and what do you say? Let’s do it! We’re going to be a little loose. Is Billy around? Billy? Billy Murray here? Billy?
[ Bill, dressed as Pre-Chew Charlie for the next sketch, hops onto Home Base. Chevy sets two stools side-by-side. ]
Bill Murray: I gotta do this next bit. I’m all prepared for it.
Chevy Chase: I’m sorry.
Bill Murray: [laughing] We haven’t rehearsed anything.
[Both sit down on the stools. ]
Bill Murray: Well, the thing about us is we both love music.
Chevy Chase: That we do.
Bill Murray: What the hell!? Let’s both do the songs we love.
Chevy Chase: I’m with that. Like what?
Bill Murray: [singing] “We’ve been alive forever.”
Chevy Chase: [singing] “We wrote the very first song together.”
Bill Murray: [singing] “We wrote the words and melody together.”
Both: [singing] “We are Music. We are Song.”
Bill Murray: [laughing] We haven’t rehearsed!
Both: [singing] “We write the songs that make the whole world sing. We write the songs of love and special things. We write the songs that make the young girls cry. We write the songs. (We write the songs)”
Bill Murray: How ’bout something from way back?
Both: [singing] “We are they And they are us And you are us And we are all together.”
Bill Murray: [singing] “Crabalocker Fishwife”
Chevy Chase: [singing] “Pornographic Priestess”
Both: [singing] “Man, you should have seen us kicking Edgar Allan Poe.”
Chevy Chase: [singing] “He is the Egg Man.”
Bill Murray: [singing] “No way, buddy, he is the Egg Man.”
Both: [singing] “We are the Walruses!”
Chevy Chase: We’ve had our disputes over the years and I could’ve sworn he was the Egg Man! But what’s the difference? As long as every one of you out there, and now here, understand that…
Both: [singing] “We shot the Sheriff, But we did not shoot no Deputy!
Chevy Chase: No we did not.
Bill Murray: Uh-uh.
Chevy Chase: Uh-uh, you’re right.
Both: [singing] “We shot the Sheriff, But we did not shoot no Deputy!
[ Both men get up and embrace. ]
Chevy Chase: What a man, what a man!
Bill Murray: I got a bit to rehearse.
Chevy Chase: Go ahead and get ready. Go ahead and get ready. Go ahead. Go ahead.
[ Bill exits. ]
Chevy Chase: Uh… Totally unrehearsed. Totally unrehearsed. Are there any questions? No? Okay. We’ll be right back then.
Announcer: And now: “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin, Here, now, the news. Our top story tonight:
On the eve of the opening of the Winter Olympic Games at Lake Placid, problems have arisen for ABC television crewmen who are setting up to broadcast the event. In addition to the freezing temperature and high winds, officials claim that miles of TV cable have been destroyed by what looks like the work of a mischevious raccoon or beaver. [ image: Jerry Mathers from “Leave it to Beaver” ] When reached for comment, The Beaver said, “Gee, Mom, I’m sorry, I won’t do it again, honest!”
After five-and-a-half years in self-imposed exile, former President Richard M. Nixon departed San Clemente, California today, and headed for his new residence: A $750,000 townhouse on Manhattan’s East Side. The San Clemente house was known as Casa Pacifica, and now the new house will be affectionately known as Slush Fund Atlantica.
Mohammed Ali, now touring Africa on behalf of President Carter [ Bill coughs ] to raise support for the Olympic boycott — God bless you — said last week that he was against the boycott. The former champ, stopping in Tanzania, said, and I quote: “I’m not supportin’ NOTHIN’ that’s called a “Boy” cott.”
Bill?
Bill Murray: The FBI announced yesterday that it currently has 80 inquiries under way involving white collar crimes in all areas of government and big business, including reported investigations of the three major television networks, focusing specifically on payoffs to people in charge of gathering and disseminating the news. We at “Weekend Update” support the efforts of the FBI and wish them well in these investigations. [ he lifts his news copy and collects the stacks of money that lie beneath ]
Americans have not been able to thank the Canadian government ENOUGH, for help in sneaking the six U.S. Embassy employees out of Tehren. But Congress thinks it has a solution: Yesterday, it chose Gary Leonard, of Detroit, Michign, to personally send Thank You notes to every one of Canada’s 25 million citizens. Said the surprised Leonard: “I haven’t even finished my Christmas Thank Yous yet; Now, I guess I have to buy more stamps!” Ha!
After examining the latest polls in Maine and New Hampshire, Teddy Kennedy has made a dramatic reversal in strategy. Today, Kennedy announced that in order to stay in the race, he will have to lose in both states.
Jane?
Jane Curtin: Kennedy watchers have noticed a drastic change in the Senator’s wife Joan. As the photograph on the left reveals, Mrs. Kennedy looked like this in August of last year; the photo on the right was taken just last week. This striking change has been attributed to cosmetic surgery; however, the Kennedy Family denies this. They did reveal, however, that Mrs. Kennedy will not replace Madame on the Wayland Flowers Tour next summer.
In prison for just a few days, and already Studio 54’s Steve Rubell has attempted to break out of his Manhattan jail cell. Seen here checking out an air-conditioning vent with one of his outside contacts, Rubell did not get far in his escape plans. Prison authorities said he had difficulty trying to tunnel his way out using those teeny-tiny little silver spoons.
Scientists at Duke University announced this week that they have identified from fossils an African monkey-like animal, 30 million years old, which seems to have been a common ancestor of both man and apes. Given the name Aegyptopithecus, the animal apparently possessed traits of both ape and man. For example: Scientists say it was advanced enough to have its own chain of newspapers but, instead of reading them, it just tore the papers into shreds and left the jungle in a big mess.
On Thursday, President Carter submitted a proposal that women be registered for the draft. This proposal, and the opposition it has aroused, is the subject of tonight’s commentary by Bill Murray. Bill?
Bill Murray: President Carter proposed the drafting of women, and everybody’s all worked up about it. Personally, I don’t see what they’re complaining about. Women in the Armed Forces could be the best thing that ever happened in this country. Let’s say we have a war with Russia, and the women fight. If we win, that’s okay; and if we lose, we can say to the Russians: “Wow! You beat a bunch of girls. You must be really proud of yourself! You Russians are real tough guys, yeah!” Can you imagine how embarrassed the Russians would be? The same holds true for weapons! Why give weapons to our soldiers? If we win without them, fine! And if we lose, we can say: “Oh, so you BEAT us! We didn’t even HAVE any weapons! What do you want? BIG DEAL!” If you ask me, the BEST defense our country could have… would be an army with poorly-equipped, untrained, unarmed women! That way, either we would win the war or we’d make the Russians look like incredible jerks! Amd isn’t that what it’s all about, anyway?
That’s my opinion. I’m Bill Murray, and my girlfriend’s going. Jane?
Jane Curtin: The transplant of a kidney from an Israeli slain by Arabs to an anti-Israeli Arab girl has angered ultra-Orthadox members of the Israeli Parliament, who will move to outlaw organ transplants unless relatives give permission. New legislation will require that Jewish parents first have the organs over for dinner, and then decide whether or not they want to give their approval.
[ image: Walter Cronkite ] Television’s quintessential newscaster, Walter Cronkite, has told CBS that he wants to quit as anchor of the evening news when his current contract expires in 1981. [ coyly ] Mr. Cronkite is 63 years old, but I’d like to say, if he leaves CBS, he can park his news bulletins under my desk any tiem he want.
And a reminder on the upcoming Lincoln birthday holiday, most city and state public schools will be closed. But in honor of the Great Emancipator, bussing will continue as usual.
Bill?
Bill Murray: I’m glad you brought that up, Jane. February 12th is Lincoln’s birthday. But there’s another American biggie — “Gorgeous” George Washington, who’s celebrating his birthday this month, too. [ he lifts a bust of Washington onto the news desk ] And I would like to pay my respects to both of them. [ he lifts a bust of Lincoln onto the news desk, then sings: ]
“Happy Birthday to yoooooooouuu! Happy presidential Birthday to yoooooooouuu! [ he rubs both of their chins ] Happy Birthday, Father of Our Country Who Never Told a Lie… [ he pulls the Lincoln bust closer ] And you ol’ Railsplitter Who Freed the Slaves! And Walked Six Miles to Return a Book! And Wore a Big Hat, and Got Shot in the Head the One Time You Didn’t Wear It! And Now His Face is on a Penny and He’s Still Not Wearing That Hat! And Who Wrote This Incredible Speech on the Back of an Envelope, and He Was Married to an Insane Woman Who Was Crazy and Smoked a Pipe…”
Jane Curtin: Finish the story, Bill!
Bill Murray: “Happy Birthday, to yooouuuu booooooth!”
[ Bill kisses both busts on the head ]
Jane Curtin: That’s the news! Good night nd have a pleasant tomorrow!
[ Bill hands the bust of Lincoln over to Jane, and she kisses it ]
Jingle: Jewess Jeans they’re skin-tight, they’re out of sight Jewess Jeans.
She’s got a lifestyle uniquely hers Europe, Nassau, wholesale furs. She’s read every best-selling book She’s a gourmet blender cook. She’s got that Jewess look.
She shops the sales for designer clothes She’s got designer nails and a designer nose. She’s an American princess and a disco queen. She’s the Jewess in Jewess Jeans. She’s the Jewess in Jewess Jeans.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 5: Episode 12 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
February 23rd, 1980 Kirk Douglas Sam & Dave None Lorne Michaels Peter Aykroyd Mitchell Laurance Tom Schiller Alan Zweibel Paul Shaffer Kirk’s Dressing RoomSummary: Gilda Radner brings her Aunt Margie backstage to meet the real Kirk Douglas, who’s not as he appears in the movies. Transcript
Montage
Kirk Douglas’ MonologueSummary: Kirk Douglas introduces his biggest fan in the audience — his goddaughter, Alexandra. Transcript
What If?Summary: Spartacus (Kirk Douglas).
The Micro-DentistsSummary: Micro-dentists team (Kirk Douglas, Bill Murray, Laraine Newman) shrink their size so they can fix Anwar Sadat’s (Garrett Morris) teeth and battle Taste Buds. Recurring Characters: Anwar Sadat.
Sam & Dave performs “You Don’t Know Like I Know”
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Ronald Reagan (Harry Shearer) demonstrates some off-color jokes in his new commercial. Al Franken wants to reinstate the draft so he won’t have to go to war. Recurring Characters: Ronald Reagan.
Nick CollinsSummary: A drunken Nick Collins (Bill Murray) performs at the Lieberman bar mitzvah. Recurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer.
Prime Time SaturdaySummary: Tom Snyder (Harry Shearer) interviews the brothers of Republican Party candidates. Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder. Transcript
Kirk’s Greatest KirksSummary: Kirk Douglas does impressions of the people who do impressions of him.
Schiller’s ReelSummary: In “Mask of Fear”, a tense breaking-and-entering episode turns into an afternoon of skiing.
Sam & Dave perform “Soul Man”
Sardi’sSummary: Sardi’s bathroom attendant (Gilda Radner) asks Kirk Douglas for his autograph.
Tom Snyder…..Harry Shearer Wendall Bush…..Jim Downey Dennis Crain…..Paul Shaffer Claude Connally…..Bill Murray
[ open on control board ]
Director’s Voice: Standby to fade up, in five, four, three, two, one. Fade up. Cue talent.
[ fade up to Tom Snyder sitting in front of the control board ]
Tom Snyder: Good evening once again, everybody, from Studio 3-K here at Rockefeller Center. The name of the program is “Prime Time Saturday”, although we ran out of prime time before we ran out of program, so maybe tonight it should be “Not Ready For Prime Time Saturday”! Anyway, we called upstairs to Studio 8-H, up in Rockefeller Center, where they do the “Saturday Night” show, and we told them that we have one segment left over, their director, Mr. Wilson, said they were running kind of short. We both work for the National Broadcasting Company, so here we are.
Director’s Voice: Standby to turn. Three, two, one. Turn.
[ Tom turns ]
Tom Snyder: Ever since Jimmy Carter became President, a great deal of attention has focused on his brother Billy. They’re both for pitching beer, and for representing Arabs in this country. We wondered, with a new presidential election underway, whether any of the candidates have a Billy up their family tree, so we have gathered three brothers of three presidential candidates in the studio – Studio 4-L, as a matter of fact – of our station WMAQ, Channel 5 in Chicago, out there on the 19th Floor of the Merchandise Mart. We would have flown them here to New York, but we’re not doing too well in the ratings at this point, so there they are in Chicago. Gentlemen, good evening to you. Could we see the brothers, pleas, George?
[ the three brothers show up on the monitor over Tom’s right shoulder ]
Okay, there they are. On the left is Wendall Bush, brother of George Bush, a mutual fund salesman in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, my old stomping grounds up there; in the middle is Dennis Crain, the brother of Phil, a foot surgeon and pathologist, and I believe they call it Kay-ro, Illinois, sir?
Dennis Crain: Well, they do call it Kay-ro, Tom, but I’m kind of old-fashioned, I like to call it Cairo.
Tom Snyder: Alright, good enough, sir, Cairo it is. And, at the other end is Claude Connally, an investment consultant and lawyer in the city of Houston, Texas, and quite obviously the brother of Ronald Reagan! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Sir, I’m just kidding, it’s John Connally’s brother, and, fellas, thank you for all coming by and waiting around so late, and I guess the first question I have for all of you is: Are any of you knid of flaky?
Wendall Bush: Well, um.. I don’t know what’s considered flaky back there, Tom.. I play tennis at night. Some of my friends think that’s a little, you know, off.
Tom Snyder: Well, sir, I don’t think that’s the kind of thing that’s going to get in Page One of the New York Post, with all due respect. What about you, Mr. Connally?
Claude Connally: Well, I suppose everybody knows about this so-called land scandal that John and I had our names dragged through down here.
Tom Snyder: Well, speaking for myself, sir, no I do not!
Claude Connally: Well, it was kind of a silly little thing, Tom. This was when LBJ was still alive, you know? And John and I made a deal with the old man to sell out about 10,000 acres of his ranch, this was all real scrub country, you know? The ad said that it had a view of the swmap, you know?
Tom Snyder: Yes, sir, a swamp is guaranteed to be at least a half-mile away, I know it well.
Claude Connally: [ chuckles ] That’s right! That sort of thing. Well, some people started complaining about the deal, but right about that time, LBJ said his final farewell to the hill country, and the whole shebang went straight in probate court, everybody got their money back, went away as happy as squirrels in pig flop.
Tom Snyder: Alright, sir. Now, for anyone who wasn’t born out there in the boondocks, I gather by “pig flop”, I take it you mean the part of the pig that, that, that, that he leaves behind, that doesn’t make the ham or bacon?
Claude Connally: Uh.. yes, sir.. that’s one way of putting it.
Tom Snyder: Okay, fair enough. And, since that time, you’ve been involved in business affairs with your brother John, have you done so by yourself, or what?
Claude Connally: Well, sir, the good Lord has been kind enough to bless me with some pretty good information on the stock market, and I’ve been fortunate enough to have some clients who are interested in this kind of information..
Tom Snyder: And they’re willing to pay for it, are they not, sir?
Claude Connally: Uh, yes, sir, it’s my good fortune that they are.
Tom Snyder: And nobody is twisting their arms to pay for it, and I’m sure you make no guarantees for it?
Claude Connally: No, sir. It’s a cash/cash only kind of business.
Tom Snyder: Alright. And, Mr. Bush, does the good Lord give you information on good mutual fund deals like our friend Mr. Connally gets?
Wendall Bush: Uh, no, Tom, I have to get my information from the Wall Street Journal, just like everybody else.
Tom Snyder: Alright, fair enough. Dr. Crain, does looking at other people’s sick feet all day drive you batty sometimes? I mean, if your brother becomes President, we’re not gonna see Dennis Crain Beer, are we, sir?
Dennis Crain: [ laughs ] No, Tom, I think if any beverage is named after me, it’s much more likely to be Rum..
Tom Snyder: Alright! The doctor likes his rum!
Dennis Crain: Seriously, though.. I’m a consultant for the Chicago Bears, and also one of the Canadian football teams, the Edmonton Huskies..
Tom Snyder: Yes, sir!
Dennis Crain: ..on the problems of the foot. And a funny thing, a quarterback who was drafted just about a year ago, is having a terrible problem with his hammer toes..
Tom Snyder: Yes, sir?
Dennis Crain: ..and, uh.. well, I, uh.. was a consultant on the design of some special shoes which we gave to him.
Tom Snyder: Okay. And how did he do last season?
Dennis Crain: Well, I believe he was waved right out of the league – bad arm, actually. Uh.. made three interceptions in one game..
Tom Snyder: Yes, sir, but the toes were okay?
Dennis Crain: Uh, yeah.
Tom Snyder: Okay. And for all you guys, no drinking, no horsing around, no, I don’t know, no homosexual love affairs in England, anything like that?
Claude Connally: I’m afriad not.
[ satellite feed closes ]
Tom Snyder: Okay. Well, again, gentlemen, thnk you for coming all the way to Chicago and staying so late in the booth there. Uh, not exactly earth-shaking, but we’d already paid for the line to Chicago, so there it was. And, incidentally, we did have only Republican brothers, that is because we’re all pretty familiar with President Carter’s brother Billy, Gov. Brown has only a sister, and Sen. Kennedy is.. an only child. Next week, Zack Birken has a report on a veteraniarian who is getting rich on Medicare, and Jessica Savage has a piece on a chemist who believes vitamins may cause cancer. Until then, thank you, back up to the “Saturday Night” folks here at Studio 8-H in Rockefeller Center, and good night, everybody.
[ camera show Kirk standing about four feet from the ground ]
Gilda Radner: Uh.. Mr. Douglas, we don’t mean to bother you, but I’d like you to meet a big fan of yours. This is my Aunt Margie.
Kirk Douglas: Well! [ walks forward, obviously on his knees ]
Gilda’s Aunt: [ whispers to Gilda ] Are you sure this Kirk Douglas the movie star?
Gilda Radner: Now, Aunt Margie, listen.. the man’s made 65 movies, what do you expect?
Gilda’s Aunt: I’m sorry, but I was expecting something else, I-I-I..
Gilda Radner: Quiet! Sshhh! Mr. Douglas, I’d like to apologize for my Aunt Margie.
Kirk Douglas: There’s no need. I know what she means. I’m used to it. Now, Aunt Margie, you expected a taller man, with a dimple in his chin? Uh.. could you reach that tie for me, please?
Gilda Radner: Uh, sure. [ grabs the tie and hands it to Kirk ]
Kirk Douglas: Thank you. [ starts to put it on ] No, Margie, that’s just an illusion – makeup, a little Hollywood magic.. now, you didn’t really think I had a hole in my chin, did you? Huh? [ Gilda laughs ]
[ Lorne Michaels enters the dressing room ]
Lorne Michaels: Kirk, the makeup people are here from Hollywood.
Kirk Douglas: What took them so long?
Gilda Radner: Oh, uh.. we’d better go..
Gilda’s Aunt: Nice meeting you.
[ Gilda and her Aunt exit ]
Lorne Michaels: Their plane was late, because of the flooding in L.A.
[ Kirk walks across the room to grab a coat, as the Hollywood Makeup people enter ]
Okay, we’d better hurry – we have one minute to air! Kirk, do you think you’ll be alright?
[ a costume designer enters with a fake pair of legs for Kirk ]
Kirk Douglas: Yeah, I think so! She might be a little loose, though.
Lorne Michaels: Okay, great. You know what? We have about 30 seconds, okay? [ exits the dressing room, walks past Gilda and her Aunt outside ]
Gilda’s Aunt: It’s amazing.. I’ve seen, maybe, 50 of his movies, but in person, he makes your Uncle Harry look good.
Gilda Radner: Yeah. Well, as they say in show business, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
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Air Date:
Rancho Houso
Summary: Henry Kissinger (Al Franken) wants to convince Gerald Ford (Chevy Chase) to run for President again, if only they can agree whether to meet at the top or the bottom of the stairs.
Summary: Chevy Chase has patched his feud with Bill Murray, and the two sing various odd duets.
Summary: Those who can’t chew their own food are going to get spoiled by the staff services of Pre-Chew Charlie’s (Bill Murray).
Summary: With help from the FBI, Abdul (Don Novello) and clan attempt a sting operation on a local congressman (Tom Davis).
Summary: Bill Murray delivers a commentary about the benefits of drafting women into war. Bill Murray sings “Happy Birthday” to busts of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln.
Summary: An in-depth profile of “Linden Palmer, Hollywood’s Forgotten Director”.
Summary: Somewhere on the coast of Honduras, a tourist (Jane Curtin) records an audiotape account of her vacation to send home to Mother (Laraine Newman).
Transcript
Summary: Gilda Radner brings her Aunt Margie backstage to meet the real Kirk Douglas, who’s not as he appears in the movies.
Summary: Kirk Douglas introduces his biggest fan in the audience — his goddaughter, Alexandra.
Summary: A drunken Nick Collins (Bill Murray) performs at the Lieberman bar mitzvah.
Summary: Tom Snyder (Harry Shearer) interviews the brothers of Republican Party candidates.
Summary: Kirk Douglas does impressions of the people who do impressions of him.
