Burt Reynolds: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you! I know! I have to live with it every day. I like this week. I, uh, had a great time working with these people. The cast, the crew As I was hanging out backstage, theres no temperament, no hostility, no open nasal passages
[ Big laughter from audience. ]
Burt Reynolds: Uh, no open nasal passages. I know sometimes when you see a movie star, you know, up close, its a little shattering. Because theyre bigger than life, and you see them on screen — its all big. Their heads big, shoulders big, its all big, you know? And here? Im a small person, see? So, maybe, I figured I just come down here and talk to some of you all. You know what I mean?
[ Burt steps on the home base platform and takes a seat on it. He points his finger to the front audience. ]
Burt Reynolds: Come here. Yeah, come here
Henry (V/O): Hi.
Burt Reynolds: Hi. Sit down.
[HENRY, a young male audience member, takes a seat next to Burt. ]
Burt Reynolds: Whats your name?
Henry: Henry.
Burt Reynolds: Henry?
[ Burt rolls up his sleeves. ]
Henry: Go Gators.
Burt Reynolds: Go Gators?
Henry: Go Gators!
Burt Reynolds: Henry, I didnt bring you up here to do any of that kind of crap.
[ Burt places his hand on Henrys shoulder. ]
Burt Reynolds: Were just going to do a little bit, okay? Whos, uh, whos your favorite movie star?
[ Henry takes a moment. ]
Henry: Uh Burt Reynolds.
[ Burt stares at Henry for a moment then kisses him on the cheek. ]
Burt Reynolds: You know its funny? When I was looking over there at you Henry, you know, you didnt have a real intelligent look about you. You now got brains coming out at you. You know what I mean?
[ Henry nods and grins. ]
Burt Reynolds: You know, lets stop talking about me and talk about my movies. Okay? Which one you like the best?
Henry: Um I didnt see too many of them. Uh
Burt Reynolds: Let me see if I can help you out. Cars? Cars jumping over
Henry: Fences?
Burt Reynolds: Fences! And over bridges
Henry: They Turn Styles?
Burt Reynolds: Henry, youre sick! Ill give you the first part of the picture — Smokey and the
Henry: Cowboy?
Burt Reynolds: Smokey means something else to you, doesnt it, Henry?
[ Henry nods and grins. ]
Burt Reynolds: Deliverance. Did you see Deliverance?
Henry: The dueling banjos? Yeah! That scene was great. It was good.
Burt Reynolds: The banjos? You know, I was in the picture? I was in there with the dueling banjos. Are you married, Henry?
Henry: No.
Burt Reynolds: Fool around?
Henry: I cant say that on TV.
Burt Reynolds: You can. You can say it. Say fooling around on television.
Henry: Fooling around — yes!
Burt Reynolds: You fool around? A lot?
Henry: No, I cant really do it that much.
Burt Reynolds: Yeah? Thats why your face is so clean.
[ Burt strokes Henrys left cheek. ]
Burt Reynolds: Were going, uh, go on now — do the rest of the show — but Im going keep talking to you because I like you. I got into show business when I first saw Elizabeth Taylor
[ The camera zooms out as the audience applauds. Burt chats with Henry for a few moments; they shake hands, hug, and Henry returns to his seat. ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 5: Episode 17 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
April 19th, 1980 Strother Martin The Specials None None Tom Gammill Sarah Paley Anne Beats Matt Neuman Andy Murphy Max Pross
Census PreviewSummary: First-Lady Rosalynn Carter (Laraine Newman) outlines random 1980 Census questions aimed at illegal immigrants like Rosa Santangelo (Gilda Radner). Recurring Characters: Rosalynn Carter, Rosa Santangelo. Transcript
Montage
Strother Martin’s MonologueSummary: Strother Martin announces that he was asked to host tonight’s show because a producer mistook him for Tennessee Williams. Transcript
Camp Beau SoleilSummary: “Cool Hand” Luke (Bill Murray) tries to reform against the curriculum provided by La Capitan (Strother Martin) at a French language camp. Transcript
The Specials perform “Gangsters”
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Recurring Characters: G. Gordon Liddy, Chico Escuela.
Video WillSummary:
Conductor’s ClubSummary:
Invasion of the Brain SnatchersSummary:
The Specials perform “Too Much, Too Young”
Any TownSummary:
FoodSummary: A film by Edie Baskin, with hand-colored stills by Mary Laffer, observes diners enjoying food at various New York eateries.
Luke Johnson ….. Bill Murray Alvin Williams ….. Garrett Morris Claire ….. Jane Curtin La Capitan ….. Strother Martin Mr. Honeycut ….. Brian Doyle-Murray Campers ….. Gilda Radner, Tom Schiller, Peter Aykroyd, Matt Neuman Bounty Hunter ….. Tom Davis
[ FADE IN on two campers, Luke Johnson and Alvin Williams, standing alone outside a small cabin. They are wearing tight striped shirts and berets. A woman, Claire, comes out of the cabin in the same outfit ]
Claire: Bonjour, and welcome to Camp Beau Soleil. My name is Claire and I will be your head counselor. I think you’ll find that at Camp Beau Soleil learning French can be fun. It may be a little hard at first, but don’t worry. I’m sure that by the end of this summer, the two of you will be speaking French like natives. Oh, here’s the camp director. We call him Le Capitan. Le Capitan.
[ Le Capitan and his assistant Mr. Honeycut come out of the cabin and stand on the porch. They are dressed like Southern sheriffs, and Mr. Honeycut is carrying a rifle ]
Le Capitan: A couple of new arrivals. Let’s see what we got here … (reads from a clipboard) … Luke Johnson?
Luke Johnson: Yeah, that’s me.
Le Capitan: It says here that you lived in Switzerland for three years. How is it that you don’t speak French already?
Luke Johnson: I have this mental block. I can’t learn languages. I have a note from my doctor.
Mr. Honeycut: When you talk to the captain, you address him as Le Capitan!
Le Capitan: Mental block? Well, this summer you’re going to be totally immersed in the language of French people. You will eat like them, you will sleep like them, and when you leave here you’re gonna talk like them. How about you … (reads from clipboard) … Alvin Williams.
Alvin Williams: (nervously) Hey man, I, I, uh, wasn’t even supposed to be here, man. Uh, I was supposed to go to Music Camp but my parents, they forgot to sign me up in time.
Mr. Honeycut: Hey! Ferme le bouche!
Alvin Williams: Huh?
Le Capitan: Thank you, Mr. Honeycut. Now, while you’re at Camp Beau Soleil you’re going to follow the rules. Rule #1 – All berets must be worn on a slant. If your beret is not on a slant, you spend a night in the box. Rule #2 – No semi-soft cheeses in the bunks. Anyone eating brie or camembert or any of those other semi-soft cheeses spends a night in the box. Rule #3 – Use the formal “vous” when addressing your counselors and staff. Anyone using the familiar “tu” spends a night in the box.
Claire: A night in the box can be very uncomfortable. Listen: Une nuit dans la boîte est très inconfortable.
Le Capitan: If you follow the rules, we’ll get along fine. Now, I can be a nice guy or I can be one real mean son of a bitch.
Claire: Son of a bitch: Fils d’une chienne.
Le Capitan: From here on in you will speak French. Here at Camp Beau Soleil, only I speak English.
Alvin Williams: Hey man, that’s not fair. I ain’t speaking no French, man. I’m here for, you know, the fresh air.
Le Capitan: Mr. Williams, I can see right now that your mind ain’t right, and a man can’t learn a foreign language when his mind ain’t right. Mr. Honeycut, take him to the box.
[ Mr. Honeycut takes Alvin by the arm and leads him off-screen ]
Le Capitan: And you, new meat, I hope you ain’t gonna be any trouble. I’ll see you at the movie tonight. Miss Claire here will lead you to your bunk and show you how to use the bidet.
[ CUT to Mr. Honeycut and Alvin at the box, a small structure that looks like a doghouse with “LE BOX” painted on it. Mr. Honeycut unlocks the door ]
Alvin Williams: Hey, where are you taking me, man?
Mr. Honeycut: You backsassed Le Capitan. You gonna spend a night in the box.
[ Mr. Honeycut hands Alvin a bucket and a tape recorder ]
Mr. Honeycut: Here’s your bucket. Here’s your headset. The dialogue tapes are in there.
[ Alvin climbs into the box and Honeycut locks him in. Inside the box, Alvin is listening to the instructional tapes in horror ]
Voice On Tape: “Hello Jean, how are you?” “Bounjour Jean, comment allez-vous?”
Alvin Williams: Oh no. Oh no!
[ DISSOLVE to several campers sitting in a small room with a projector, watching a movie. They laugh constantly. Luke sits in the back and starts talking to the camper sitting next to him (Gilda Radner) ]
Luke Johnson: They didn’t have to put him in the box his first day.
Camper: Shh! Le film, le film!
Luke Johnson: Aw, forget it. What’s the big deal about Jerry Lewis, huh? I don’t see the point of this.
Camper: Silence! (speaks French, imitates Jerry Lewis)
Luke Johnson: They’re not getting me to speak French. It’s a dying language. I don’t care how good the sauces are, the food stinks! I’m getting out of here. Look at this … (takes out a brouchure) Here’s a camp, Camp Mowaga. Look at the facilities! Canoeing, hiking, horseback riding, all the instructions are in English! That’s where I’m going! I’m running away tonight.
[ Luke takes a huge loaf of French bread and takes a bite. He slowly sneaks out unnotices as the other campers continue to watch the Jerry Lewis film ]
[ DISSOLVE to the next day, outside the small cabin. Claire comes out ringing a bell ]
Claire: Bounjour campers! Le Capitan wishes to speak with you all.
[ All of the campers, except for Alvin and Luke, are gathered together as Le Capitan comes out of the cabin ]
Le Capitan: Bounjour, campers.
Campers: Bounjour, le capitan!
Le Capitan: Well, it seems that last night one of you got a little rabbit in their blood and decided to take off. Don’t worry, he won’t get far. No one has ever gotten out of here without a thorough knowledge of conversational French. Ain’t that right, Mr. Williams?
[ Alvin Williams walks out the cabin like a robot and drones couple of French phrases before joining the other campers ]
[ Two Southern-accented bounty hunters enter with poodles instead of bloodhounds ]
Bounty Hunter: They got him, captain! They’re bringing him in now.
[ Mr. Honeycut drags Luke back to the camp, his clothes torn and dirty, his wrists in handcuffs ]
Mr. Honeycut: We caught him about five miles down the road, headed for Camp Mowaga.
Le Capitan: Camp Mowaga. What in the hell did you think you’d do there, boy? Make a few lanyards? Get a junior life saving badge? That’s not much to show for your whole summer, is it?
Luke Johnson: Maybe not. But at least you don’t have to wear those European swim trunks that are cut so that they don’t leave anything to the imagination.
[ Mr. Honeycut pokes Luke in the stomach with the butt of his rifle ]
Le Capitan: Luke …(holds up a picture of a cartoon cat)… how big is the cat?
Luke Johnson: (long pause) It’s a little cat.
[ Honeycut hits Luke in the head with a piece of wood ]
Le Capitan: Luke, how big is the cat?
Luke Johnson: It’s a little, bitty cat.
[ Honeycut hits Luke even harder, making him fall to his knees ]
Le Capitan: What we got here is a failure to communicate bi-lingually! Le chat es petite! HOW BIG IS THE CAT?
Luke Johnson: Le chat es petite.
Le Capitan: AGAIN!
[ Honeycut hits Luke again ]
Luke Johnson: Le chat es petite.
Le Capitan: There now. That wasn’t so bad, was it? You see, everybody? What we had here was a boy whose mind wasn’t right. It may take a while, but we will get his mind right. First he’ll master the grammar, then he’ll get the vocabulary, and he’ll come along good. And before you know it, he’ll be more French than the French. Miss Claire, why don’t you lead all of the campers in a little song?
Mr. Honeycut: Oh, “Frere Jacques” mon favorite.
[ Claire blows a note from a harmonica and leads the campers in a rendition of “Frere Jacques”. Text appears on-screen, read by Don Pardo ]
Don Pardo (V/O): Recent Congressional Sub-Committee hearings have led to an investigation into the dangers of teaching foreign languages in a camping environment. Camp Beau Soleil has since been converted to a camp for chubby children. Interested parents may call toll free 555-3872.
Rosalynn Carter ….. Laraine Newman Rosa Santangelo ….. Gilda Radner Secret Service Agents ….. Tom Davis, Mitchell Laurance
[ OPEN on a photograph of the White House ]
Don Pardo (V/O): “Saturday Night Live” will be delayed tonight so that we may bring you the following message from the United States Bureau of the Census. Here from the Lincoln Room of the White House is First Lady Rosalynn Carter.
[ DISSOLVE to Rosalynn Carter sitting at a desk, addressing the camera ]
Rosalynn Carter: Hello, I’m Rosalynn Carter. As you know, our government recently began conducting the 1980 Census. Now, it appears so far that many people have been reluctant to answer the census, particularly those who are unregistered aliens residing in the U.S. Let me assure you, however, that the information you submit on these forms will be kept confidential. That’s the law. If you are an illegal alien living in the U.S. you will be asked a special set of questions on your form. They are as follows.
[ CUT to close-ups of the questions on the census forms as Rosalynn Carter reads them ]
Rosalynn Carter: Question One: If immigration officials raided your home, where would you hide? Question Two: Just out of curiosity, how were you able to enter the country?
[ CUT back to Carter ]
Rosalynn Carter: Let me emphasize that these questions are for statistical purposes only.
[ CUT back to the questions ]
Rosalynn Carter: Question Three: If engaged in household work, do you receive less than minimum wage? If you answered yes, would you be willing to locate in the Washington area? Do you do windows?
[ CUT back to Carter ]
Rosalynn Carter: See, many people don’t realize that I can’t even…
[ She is interrupted by Rosa Santangelo, a maid who runs in and starts yelling at the camera in Spanish. Two Secret Service agents follow and take her away ]
Secret Service Agent: Sorry Mrs. Carter, we were loading a bunch of… (inaudible over the maid’s yelling) …and this one got away.
Rosalynn Carter: (wiping off her face with sleeve) That woman actually spat on me. Well, never mind what she said. She doesn’t work for the government. Finally, Question Five: If the government asked you, would you stop having childeren? Please take the time to answer these questions, and remember that your answers will be kept confidential by law. The Immigration Service could never in a million years gain access to the records of the Census Bureau. How could it? It’s a completely different department and everything. So remember, you owe it to your community. Answer your census. We’re counting on you.
[ Rosa Santangelo rushes in again, covers Carter’s mouth with her hand, and talks to the camera ]
Rosa Santangelo: “Vive de Nuevo York, es Sabado Noche!”
[ The Specials are gathering behind Strother Martin at home base. Tom Davis, Alan Zweibel, and Harry Shearer can be seen behind Strother ]
Strother Martin: You’ve been a great audience! I’ve had a great time all week.
[ The band strikes up the closing theme. The camera pulls back to show two of The Specials getting in a mock fight. Laraine Newman and Bill Murray are seen way in the back. Jane Curtin and Gilda Radner talk to Strother, and Garrett Morris gives him a hug. The band are shown as the credits roll. ]
Don Pardo (V/O): We’ll return live three weeks from tonight, Saturday, May 10, when our host will be Bob Newhart. One week from tonight watch a Saturday Night Live encore performance with host Shelly Duvall. Tonight’s food photo essay by Edie Baskin, animation by Mary Laffer. This is Don Pardo. Good night.
[ open on police file graphic of Bitsy, with SUPER: “Name: Bitsy Brewster; School: Miss Porter’s” ]
[ dissolve to police file graphic of Winky, with SUPER: “Name: Winky Reynolds; School: Foxcroft” ]
[ dissolve to police file graphic of Muffin, with SUPER: “Name: Muffin Weinstein; School: The Chapin School” ]
[ dissolve to TITLE: “Debs Behind Bars” ]
Announcer: The following episode of “Debs Behind Bars” contains scenes of icky prison life among hardened criminals, as well as graphic depiction of unattractive mess halls, and cells so gross and disgusting you wouldn’t even walk into one – much less have to spend a lot of time there. Parental discretion is advised.
[ dissolve to interior, jail cell, three preppy teenagers sitting around biding their time. Muffin sits atop bunk bed blowing horribly on a French horn. ]
Bitsy: Muffin, would you please cut it out! Why don’t you just write some more Thank You notes!
Muffin: My arm’s tired. Besides, playing the French horn happens to be my way of dealing with the grim reality of prison life.
Winky: I am so bored! I hate this place, I hate it!
Bitsy: Winky!
Winky: Oh, I’m sorry, I do. I hate it. I hate being beaten by the guards, I hate getting stared at in the showers, I hate getting caught in the middle of razor fights! I just hate it! I hate all the girls, too!
Bitsy: Winky, try to remember that a lot of the other girls haven’t had the advantages that we’ve had.
Muffin: Well, I can’t take another year of this, either! When are we gonna get paroled!
Bitsy: Well, Daddy says to just sit tight, and wait ’til George Bush is President. And we’ll get a pardon.
Matron: Mail call!
Winky: Aw, watch out, here comes the Matron..
[ Matron enters cell ]
Matron: Well, look at this! A cover story on wintering in Mexico. I bet you know-ow some of these girls!
Bitsy: [ excited ] Ohhh! The new Town & Country! Let me see, let me see!
Matron: [ pulls magazine away ] Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! Not so fast – the subscription rate just went up.
Bitsy: Oh, alright! [ removes dollar bills from inside sweater ] Here!
Matron: Uh, Miss Bitsy, there’s someone outside to see you.
Bitsy: [ excited ] Oh, maybe it’s about our request for more closet space! [ runs out of cell to see ]
Matron: Uh.. Miss Weinstein? I’ve got a big date after work tonight, and I’d just love to borrow one of your fine pastel monogrammed sweaters.
Muffin: No, they’d be too small on you!
Matron: Mmm-hmm.. Please!
Muffin: Oh, oh, on no, you’ll wreck it out!
Matron: Pretty.. please?
Muffin: [ gives in ] Okay, okay, okay!
Muffin: Here, take it.
Matron: Thank you. By the way, it’s a shame you two girls didn’t get to see the Princeton-Harvard game. But then, you probably don’t like football, do you?
Debs: [ jumping up and down in eager anticipation ] Who won?! Who won?! Who won?!
[ Matron exits cell, winning that contest of wills ]
[ cut to Bitsy entering to see her visitor by the glass ]
Bitsy: Daddy!
Daddy: Bitsy! Nice to see you! Terrific! Marvelous! Couldn’t be better!
Bitsy: Oh, Daddy! What a surprise!
Daddy: Pleasure! Good for you!
Bitsy: Well.. is there any news?
Daddy: [ holds up book ] Look at this – the 1980 Social Register’s out, and here you are. Elizabeth Holbrook Brester, Junior Miss, State Penitentiary. Don’t you just love it! Couldn’t like it more!
Bitsy: Well, Daddy.. but what the appeal?
Daddy: Well, Bitsy, we’ve done about all we can there. All we can hope is that George Bush does really well in New Hamsphire. But that’s not why I came here today. I came because I want you to meet someone very special. Someone who’s going to be.. your new stepmother.
Bitsy: Daddy, you’re getting married?
Daddy: Darling, would you come in?
[ Gloria Vanderbilt slinks in wearing a tight pair of jeans ]
Bitsy: Gloria Vanderbilt, I don’t believe it!
Daddy: Gloria has her own business, Bitsy. She designs blue jeans! Don’t you love it!
Bitsy: Couldn’t like it more! You’re looking wonderful, Gloria!
Gloria Vanderbilt: My jeans fit fantastically! They hug your hips, don’t bind here, and shape your derriere! And it looks super with my Vanderbilt tux!
Daddy: From the Academy!
Bitsy: Well, I’m very happy for you both.
Daddy: Bitsy, there’s one more thing. Uh.. the church is a bit small, and since you are a convicted felon, some of Gloria’s family felt that you shouldn’t be invited to the wedding. We hope you’ll understand.
Bitsy: Not invited?!
[ scene freezes on close-up of Bitsy’s face, as TITLE fades over ]
Announcer: Tomorrow night on “Debs Behind Bars”: The girls in Cell Block G become unwitting accomplices to a breakout scheme.
[ dissolve to cell block, where prep boys break in through the wall ]
Bitsy: Can you stand it! Oh, he’s breaking in! Oh, wow!
Windy: Hi, girls! You know, we’re confined to the Men’s Correctional Institute across the way, and we’re breaking out for a little road trip! Thought you’d like to join us!
Cotty: Yes, it’s serious break-out action!
Windy: For sure!
Winky: Where’d you craft?
Cotty: Fordsville!
Bitsy: Oh. What are you in for?
Cotty: Well, we’re doing six months for dropping trou at the Millbrook cotillion!
Windy: We’ve got a couple of kegs, some scotch.. it’ll be keen! We’re talking intense road trip activity!
Muffin: Who are these guys? We haven’t been introduced.
Cotty: Okay, it’s a long story, but.. you’re Harrison Weinstein’s sister, right?
Muffin: That’s right.
Cotty: Well, okay, I played hockey with Harry, back at Chope. And I think.. [ points to Bitsy ] ..that your sister knows my cousin from Nantucket.
Bitsy: You’re Bill’s brother?
Cotty: Yes, that’s right! Oh! I’m sorry. My name’s Cotty.. this is Windy.. and this here is Bill Pemberton – and we call him Barnio.
Windy: He’s a complete wild man!Intense GNP consumption!
Muffin: Wow! He looksc really fazed!
Barnio: Let’s go for it! Let’s party! Whoo!
[ Barnio runs into the tunnel ]
Bitsy: Eugh! The tunnel looks really filthy in there!
Muffin: Did you crawl through that?
Cotty: Well, yeah..
Windy: Barnio’s probably back there booting – blowing lunch!
[ the debs are repulsed by the thought ]
Announcer: That’s tomorrow night – on “Debs Behind Bars”.
[ camera pulls back on set, with SUPER: “coming up next: Cafeterias of the Damned” ]
Teri Garr: Hello, hello, hello! Hi, everybody! Hi! Wow! Well, gee, I’m just THRILLED to be here! I really am! I’m very excited to be hosting this show, and it’s a GREAT show tonight, it’s really terrific! Hilarious, I might add! I hope you think so. And, uh, there’s an awful lot of it… so we’re just gonna go RIGHT ahead and do it! Um… Did I say that I was thrilled to be here? I think I said that. I’m excited! And, uh, let’s just GO right on ahead with it! I mean… We’ll be right back after this commercial…!
[ pan across dingy part of town; camera pauses when it finds derelict Mr. Bill and pet dog Spot sitting among trash ]
[ Spot barks pathetically ]
Mr. Bill: Aw, come on, Spot. you know I can’t afford to buy you any more dog food.
[ Spot barks when he spies Mr. Bill’s bottle of rye ]
Mr. Bill: Stop.. now, I told you that’s my medicine! Now, Spot, why don’t you just run along and find yourself another best friend!
[ Miss Sally appears ]
Miss Sally: Oh, there you are, Mr. Bill. I’ve been looking all over for you. You haven’t been to work, and no one knows where you are..
Mr. Bill: Well, now you know where I am, Miss Sally, so you can go now – I’ll see you later!
Miss Sally: Oh no, Mr. Bill. I’m gonna stay. I think you need professional help.
Mr. Bill: You mean, a psychiatrist? [ thinks ] You know, you’re right, Miss Sally. I’m too young to give up on myself yet. So, kids, I hope you’re ready to have fun today, because we’re all gonna go see a psychiatrist! Yay-ay-ay!
Miss Sally: [ holding card that reads: “Dr. I.M. Hanz” ] They say he’s very good.
[ dissolve to interior, Psychiatrist’s Office; psychiatrist is shown as a pair of hands sticking out over a desk ]
Mr. Bill: [ laying on the couch ] Uh.. so, you see, Doctor, I’ve been a little down lately, and it’s just not like me.. so I’ve decided that I need some help.
Dr. I.M. Hanz: This sounds very serious to me. We’ll have to go all the way back to the beginning.
Mr. Bill: But I can’t remember that far!
Dr. I.M. Hanz: Then I’m afraid I’ll have to hypnotize you.
Mr. Bill: Oh, uh.. are you sure that’s safe, Doctor?
Dr. I.M. Hanz: Of course, it is. Now just relax, and concentrate on the watch.
[ watch swings back and forth, as Mr. Bill drifts into his past ]
Dr. I.M. Hanz: Your eyes are getting heavy.. I want you to go back in your memory as far as you can.
[ dissolve to stork delivering Mr. Bill to his parents; town sign reads: “Sluggoville, We Hate The Bills” ]
Mr. Bill: Oh.. it’s a stork.. and he’s bringing me to my new home – in Sluggoville. Oh, no! Gee, my mom and dad were out picnicking that day, and all of a sudden.. oh!!
[ stork drops Mr. Bill onto the rooftop, where he rolls down and crashes onto the picnic table, causing Mr. Bill’s dad’s head to fall off ]
Dr. I.M. Hanz: Hmm.. maybe the answer lies in your dreams. Do you ever have nightmares?
[ dissolve to footage of Mr. Bill laying on a raft in a sink, as Mr. Hands pulls the plug causing Mr. Bill to to be sucked under ]
Mr. Bill: I always have this dream where I’m out at sea.. oh wait, it’s a sink! And I’m going down, and I can’t stop!
[ image of Mr. Bill spins out of control amongst visions of multiple Mr. Hands ]
[ Devil Sluggo holds a pitchfork as Mr. Bill lands in the bowels of Hell – right onto the spikes of Sluggo’s pitchfork ]
Mr. Bill: Ohhh!!!
Dr. I.M. Hanz: You obviously feel humiliated by these so-called hands. My diagnosis is that you suffer from severe paranoia.
Mr. Bill: [ not buying it ] Oh, no! Those hands are real! And, you know something? you look mighty familiar! I want a second opinion, Doc!
[ Mr. Hands places Dr. Sluggo next to Mr. Bill on the couch ]
Dr. I.M. Hanz: Well, my associate, Dr. Sluggo, also says that you are crazy! And you’ll need.. a lobotomy.
[ Mr. Hands holds a pair of plastic scissors to Mr. Bill’s scalp, as the scene quickly fades ]
…..Jane Curtin …..Bill Murray Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello Guard…..Akira Yoshimura
[ open on NBC logo ]
Announcer: “Saturday Night Live” will be delayed tonight, so that NBC can present continuing nightly coverage of the crisis in Tokyo.
[ dissolve to Paul McCartney bumper card ]
Announcer: Day 11 — Paul McCartney in Japan.
[ dissolve to “Weekend update” set ]
Jane Curtin: Good evening. The crisis in Japan took some dramatic new turns today: Paul McCartney HAS been freed. But the crisis continues. Here with a recap of the past ten days is Bill Murray. Bill?
Bill Murray: Thank you, Jane. Well… it’s been a long and winding road for Paul McCartney. Let’s look back eleven days.
Day 1, January 14th, 1980: Paul McCartney’s luggage is inspected by Customs agents at the Tokyo Airport. It is discovered that he is carrying 7.7 ounces of mariuana. Paul is arrested and taken to a drug treatment center, then transferred to a cell in a Tokyo prison.
Day 2: All music composed by Paul McCartney is BANNED throughout Japan.
Day 4: Linda — Paul’s wife — is allowed her first visit, and the world learns that Paul, while mildly depressed, in still in good health.
Day 5: Paul reads a public statement, praising his captors and regretting his use of marijuana. Linda says: “It doesn’t sound like him. I think he’s trying to tell us something.”
Day 6: The crisis grows more serious, as ALL rock journalists are given 24 hours to get out of Japan.
Day 8: As tensions grow, a 23-year old woman is hanged in a public square in Kobi, for whistling “Michelle”.
Day 9: Kurt Waldheim travels to Japan and is granted a 15-minute visit with McCartney. He says Paul is as well as can be expected under the circumstances.
Which brings us to Day 10. Jane?
Jane Curtin: Bill, yesterday, Day 10, was a day filled with surprises. In a clever attempt to get an exclusive interview with the former Beatle, one of “Weekend Update”‘s top correspondents flew to Tokyo carrying a large amount of marijuana in his luggage, hoping to get arrested and placed in the saem jail as Paul. Unfortunately, just as our correspondent was landing in Tokyo, the Japanese government made a startling announcement: Paul McCartney was free and was being sent home to England. So the risis is over for Paul McCartney, but another one has just begun for us here at “Weekend Update”, and particularly for one of our favorite correspondents. Through a complicated series of negotiations between NBC and Japanese authorities, permission WAS granted for us to send a camera crew to Tokyo and establish a live hook-up with our correspondent. Now for a statement from that correspondent, we switch via satellite to Tokyo.
[ cut to live satellite — Father Guido Sarducci flanked by a pair of guards ]
Father Guido Sarducci: I want to-a thank the Japanese people for setting me straight about-a the evils of-a marijuana. They are treating me very well. I-a get-a three meals a day and plenty of fresh air and exercise. Now… I’ll-a keep-a talking in-a this way, BUT I’ll be varying from my text because they don’t speak English AND they can only tell what you’re saying from the tone-a of your voice — just like a dog.
Actually… what-a I would-a like to say is… Help! Help me, please? This is-a terrible here for me. They-a make-a me sleep on-a the floor… plus, the walls are paper-thin and its hard to get any sleep. It’a a good-a thing I had a couple of quaaludes. And — I don’t know how to stress this enough — I think it bears repeating: “Help!” Help…!”
And, in conclusion, I would like to say I agree with the Japanese government, that they should be allowed to sell their goods in the United States without-a any tariffs. No tariffs! No tariffs.
And — I would-a lke to say: “Live from-a New York” — AND the wonderful empire of Japan… “It’s-a Saturday Night.”
Air Date:
Summary: First-Lady Rosalynn Carter (Laraine Newman) outlines random 1980 Census questions aimed at illegal immigrants like Rosa Santangelo (Gilda Radner).
Summary: Strother Martin announces that he was asked to host tonight’s show because a producer mistook him for Tennessee Williams.
Summary: “Cool Hand” Luke (Bill Murray) tries to reform against the curriculum provided by La Capitan (Strother Martin) at a French language camp.
Summary: A film by Edie Baskin, with hand-colored stills by Mary Laffer, observes diners enjoying food at various New York eateries.
