Illegal Alien Census Rosalyn Carter ..... Laraine Newman Maid ..... Gilda Radner Secret Service Agents ..... Tom Davis, Mitchell Laurance [ OPEN on a photograph of the White House ] Don Pardo (V/O): "Saturday Night Live" will be delayed tonight so that we may bring you the following message from the United States Bureau of the Census. Here from the Lincoln Room of the White House is First Lady Rosalyn Carter. [ DISSOLVE to Rosalyn Carter sitting at a desk, addressing the camera ] Rosalyn Carter: Hello, I'm Rosalyn Carter. As you know, our government recently began conducting the 1980 Census. Now, it appears so far that many people have been reluctant to answer the census, particularly those who are unregistered aliens residing in the U.S. Let me assure you, however, that the information you submit on these forms will be kept confidential. That's the law. If you are an illegal alien living in the U.S. you will be asked a special set of questions on your form. They are as follows. [ CUT to close-ups of the questions on the census forms as Rosalyn Carter reads them ] Rosalyn Carter: Question One: If immigration officials raided your home, where would you hide? Question Two: Just out of curiosity, how were you able to enter the country? [ CUT back to Carter ] Rosalyn Carter: Let me emphasize that these questions are for statistical purposes only. [ CUT back to the questions ] Rosalyn Carter: Question Three: If engaged in household work, do you receive less than minimum wage? If you answered yes, would you be willing to locate in the Washington area? Do you do windows? [ CUT back to Carter ] Rosalyn Carter: See, many people don't realize that I can't even... [ She is interrupted by a maid who runs in and starts yelling at the camera in Spanish. Two Secret Service agents follow and take her away ] Secret Service Agent: Sorry Mrs. Carter, we were loading a bunch of... (inaudible over the maid's yelling) ...and this one got away. Rosalyn Carter: (wiping off her face with sleeve) That woman actually spat on me. Well, never mind what she said. She doesn't work for the government. Finally, Question Five: If the government asked you, would you stop having childeren? Please take the time to answer these questions, and remember that your answers will be kept confidential by law. The Immigration Service could never in a million years gain access to the records of the Census Bureau. How could it? It's a completely different department and everything. So remember, you owe it to your community. Answer your census. We're counting on you. [ The maid rushes in again, covers Carter's mouth with her hand, and talks to the camera ] Maid: "Vive de Nuevo York, es Sabado Noche!" Submitted by Dan Pascoe SNL Transcripts