[ open on Laraine Newman, Jane Curtin, Garrett Morris and Gilda Radner sitting around a crystal ball in a back room of the studio ]
Garrett Morris: [ clutching a smoking cigarette ] Look, this is the 100th show, right? And, you know the psychic world works on the decimal system. It’s the perfect time! Now, there’s a lot of magic in the air.
Jane Curtin: Garrett, you don’t really beleive that, do you?
Garrett Morris: I don’t have to believe it – I know it! Now, there are spirits in the studio, and they have something to tell us.
Gilda Radner: What spirits, Garrett?
Garrett Morris: Spirits of those who are no longer with us.
Gilda Radner: You mean, like Francisco Franco?
Garrett Morris: No.. he’s dead, he’s dead. Laraine, turn off the lights. [ Laraine turns off the lights ] I feel.. the presence.. of another spirit. Now, everyone try to concentrate, okay?
[ Jane begins to convulse, the spirit of Mr. Mike speaking through her ]
Laraine Newman: Jane, are you okay..?
Garrett Morris: Shhh! Leave her alone. Spirit! Are you speaking through Jane? Huh? Spirit, are you speaking through Jane?
[ John Belushi’s face appears in the crystal ball ]
John Belushi: You know, I wanted to come back and do a scene with a little class, you know? A little diginity – Joe Cocker, Samurai, a Bee, a Cheeseburger scene. Something that was good, something that was well-written. But no-o-o-o-o-o! I have to come back and do a, do a cheap seance sketch!
Garrett Morris: John.. John.. is there anything else you have to say to us?
John Belushi: “Live.. from New York.. it’s Saturday Night!”
David Susskind…..Bill Murray Lloyd Simmons…..Harry Shearer Catherine Farley…..Jane Curtin Steve Foom…..Tom Davis Len Madrew…..Paul Simon
[ open on talk show set, with SUPER: “The David Susskind Show” ]
David Susskind: Good evening, I’m David Susskind. We have an unusual show tonight. All my guests have one thing in common: They’ve all undergone various forms of plastic surgery, to make themselves look like certain celebrities. Uh — with me is Mr. Lloyd Simmons, who makes his living as an Elvis impersonator.
Lloyd Simmons: Yes, sir, that’s right!
David Susskind: Mr. Simmons, you actually underwent plastic surgery to look more like Elvis Presley?
Lloyd Simmons: Yes, sir. I’ve had, uh, 211 separate operations over the last two years.
David Susskind: That is amazing. You know, uh, I hate to say this, but, uh, you still don’t look that much like Elvis Presley!
Lloyd Simmons: I know, I hear that from a lot of folks! Well, you’re not looking at the final product. We still have a lot of work to do on my eyes, my nose, and… we gotta raise up my jaw.
David Susskind: But why? Why would you put yourself through that pain and agony?
Lloyd Simmons: Well, sir, for one thing, uh — [ he laughs ] it is a little financially rewarding, if you know what I mean! But, uh.. if you could see what I looked like before… I think you’d understand.
David Susskind: Y-es. Well, we have a picture of you before the operation.
Lloyd Simmons: Yes!
David Susskind: You mind if we hold this up?
Lloyd Simmons: Yes, sir, that’s why I brought it.
[ Lloyd Simmons holds up a photo of Rod Stewart ]
David Susskind: Now, this is you 211 operations ago?
Lloyd Simmons: Yes, sir, that’s correct.
David Susskind: Well… that is an AMAZING transformation.
Lloyd Simmons: I find it hard to believe myself.
David Susskind: Well, let’s meet another guest. [ he turns to his opposite side ] Catherine Farley, who appears to have a remarkable resemblance to Dolly Parton. Uh —
Catherine Farley: [ husky-voiced ] Thank you!
David Susskind: Now, Catherine, what was the nature of the surgery you underwent?
Catherine Farley: Mr. Susskind, I had sections of my buttocks implanted into my breasts!
David Susskind: Now, uh — [ he adjusts himself in his seat ] I notice you don’t sound a lot like Dolly Parton when you talk. Do you sing?
Catherine Farley: I lip-synch her songs.
David Susskind: And very well, too, I suppose…
Catherine Farley: Thank you.
David Susskind: And good luck to you, Catherine. Uh — my next guest is Steve Foom, and he was supposed to, uh, end up looking like Donny Osmond, but evidently he had a bad experience. What happened, Steve?
[ Steve has long scars along his face ]
Steve Foom: Uh, that’s right, Mr. susskind. Uh — I want to look like Donny Osmond, and I didn’t have a lot of mnoey, see? Uh — so what I did was, I went down to the school of plastic surgery and I let the students work on me. And I guess the reason I’m on your show is, uh, just to say that, uh, if you’re a person out there who’s interested in going under the knife, DON’T skimp on the bucks! spend the money!
David Susskind: Well, thank you… for being brave enough to come on the show and tell us your story.
Steve Foom: Well, you’re very welcome.
David Susskind: Our final guest is Mr. Len Madrew from Saginaw, Michigan. Now, Mr. Madrew, you are the spitting image of Paul Simon. You are a credit to the plastic surgery profession.
Len Madrew: [ blushing ] Well, actually, I… never went to a plastic surgeon. I always looked very much like Paul Simon, except for the fact I was six-foot-seven. I had to have seventeen inches of bone and muscle removed from my legs. [ he pulls up a pants leg to reveal the massive stitches ]
David Susskind: Now… that looks painful.
Len Madrew: Ah, it was worth it!
David Susskind: Yeah, yeah. [ to his guests ] What was it like being another person? I mean, ahs this been a problem in your lives, because… people think you’re celebrities?
Lloyd Simmons: Well, sir… uh… you know, uh… Elvis left us a couple of years ago to go to the great Opryland upstairs, and I think, uh, most of his fans are aware that he’s no longer with us, and… I don’t want a lot of people confusing me with The King.
David Susskind: [ quickly ] Uh, Catherine?
Catherine Farley: Well, David… people come up to me all the time, but I found out of you very politely ask them to leave you alone, they will.
David Susskind: Steve? How about you?
Steve Foom: Well, uh… I find that I scare small children.
David Susskind: Mr. Madrew? any problems looking like Paul Simon?
Len Madrew: [ he sighs ] Uh — just one major problem: People keep asking me why I broke up with Art Garfunkel. I wish to Hell I knew! Actually, I love the way the guys sang together.
David Susskind: Me. too.
Len Madrew: If I ever meet Paul Simon, it’s one of the things I most want to ask him.
David Susskind: Probably a good question. Well — I’d like to thank all of you for being so open. [ into the camera ] Uh — I’d like to ask all of you to tune in next week when we talk to three guests who had to have plastic surgery to avoid looking like celebrities. Thank you.
Announcer: And now it’s time for “Talk Or Die”, the action talk show. Here’s your host — Dirk Savage.
[ dissolve to Dirk Savage being choked by a guest; he manages to fling the guest over his shoulder and send him crashing onto a table ]
Dirk Savage: [ into the camera ] Good evening! And welcome to “Talk Or Die”! [ the audience applauds wildly ] The ACTION talk show! I’m your host — Dirk Savage — and tonight we continue our series of programs on the state of theater in Britain and America. With us ib the studio, we have a Mr. Julian Carver, the noted set designer, director, and pioneer of the Black theater.
Julian Carver: Good evening.
Dirk Savage: Good evening! [ he turns ] And Miss Rula Lenska, the world known, easily recognized actress whom everyone knows from her innumerable films and television appearances! May I say, Rula, you’re looking absolutely… “lovely” today.
Rula Lenska: Thank you, Dirk. As an actress who’s constantly being recognized for her many unforgettable performances, it is important that I look my best.
Dirk Savage: Absolutely! [ he turns ] Mr. Carver — I’d like to begin this discussion by noting that, here in the States, there seems to be a certain, uh… animous toward the Black theater. Uh — a holdover, maybe, from the days when… when… [ he freezes upon noticing a tarantula crawling up Mr. Carver’s shoulder ] Mr. Carver. Don’t say anything, remain absolutely still! Don’t move a muscle. Try not to breathe, remain perfectly motionless!
Julian Carver: What are you talking about, man?
Dirk Savage: Miss Lenska! Miss Lenska!
Julian Carver: What is it?
Dirk Savage: You have a tarantula SPIDER on your right shoulder! The slightest movement could be your LAST! Miss Lenska… do you have a hairbrush?
Rula Lenska: Yes, I think so. As an actress, it’s very important that I look my best.
Dirk Savage: Shut up! Just give me the hairbrush! [ she hands it over ] Very slowly, Rula. Very slowly…
[ Dirk quickly beats Mr. Carver’s shoulder with the hairbrush, sending the tarantula flying to the floor, whereupon he jumps out of his seat and begins to stomp his foot arund the floor, then gives a final punch with his fist until he’s satisfied by the results ]
Dirk Savage: [ to Mr. Carver ] Are you hurt? Are you okay? Uh — now take a deep breath and try and tell me, uh… Is there a prejudice toward Black theater in America?
Julian Carver: [ gasping for breath ] Uh —
Dirk Savage: Try to tel us, please. It IS rather important.
Julian Carver: Uh —
[ Dirk begins to slap Mr. Carver across the face ]
Rula Lenska: Is he alright? Is he alright?
Dirk Savage: It was a bad scare. I think he’ll be alright. In the meantime, Rula — I’m jolly anxious to hear what ,i>you’ve been doing since I last — [ he turns to slap Mr. Carver in the face once more for godo measure ] since I last saw you. You must have been very busy working on the, uh, many theatrical projects, which would come the way of an actress as well known as yourself.
Rula Lenska: Well, Dirk, for the past year-and-a-half, I’ve been showing some American friends around London.
Dirk Savage: [ laughing wildly ] You’re absolutely irrepressible, Rula Lenska! And I strongly suggest that you get ready to get up, when I give the word, and dive down below your seat! In a minute… right NOW!!
[ Dirk trips Rula to the floor and grabs Mr. Carver, as bullets shatter the back wall ]
Dirk Savage: [ to Rula, as he helps her up ] Are you hurt?
Rula Lenska: I don’t… I don’t think so. Ask Mr. Carver.
Dirk Savage: Well, I’m afraid you’re the oen they were after. But don’t worry, they… they won’t be back.
Rula Lenska: [ distraught ] How do you know?
Dirk Savage: you’ll just have to… trust me.
[ Mr. Carver pulls out a gun ]
Julian Carver: You’re quite RIGHT, Mr. Savage! They WON’T be back! You see, there’s really no need!
Dirk Savage: [ raising his arms ] Tell me, Mr. Carver… How long has the KGB recruited off… Broadway?
Julian Carver: It’s really been quite pleasant chatting with you, Mr. Savage, but… [ looking around, nervously ] I’m afraid… as the saying goes… you’re about out of time!
Rula Lenska: And I have to go. I have to tape an Alberto V05 commercial. You see, I’m not really a famous actress and I really need the work.
Julian Carver: Ohhh, no, Miss Lenska. I enjoy your company FAR too much to let you run off! But — [ offstage, a bear growls ] But — what?
[ suddenly, a huge bear rushes onto the stage and pounces Mr. Carver to the floor ]
[ Dirk Savage jumps up to wrestle the bear and stabs it to death and kicks it to the floor ]
Dirk Savage: Alright. I thought this might have been the last show of the series… but NO! [ he sits and grabs Mr. Carver’s hand ] Now there’s one guest who WON’T be on a talk show again! Are you alright, Miss Lenska?
Rula Lenska: Dirk, I was so frightened!
Dirk Savage: Okay! I think we’ve had enough excitement for one day. [ to the camera ] Well, that’s all for this show. I hope you enjoyed it, and that you’ll join us again, for another edition of… “Talk Or Die”!
[ camera pans upward, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Belfast Parade and Mop-Up” ]
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.
Our top story tonight: It’s official! Gerald Ford will not be a candidate for President this year.Announcing his decision at a press conference today, Mr. Ford said, “I believe that this country is in very grave danger, both at home and abroad, and I have decided that I am simply too stupid and inept to deal with the problems we face.”
Bill Murray: Well, it’s Day 132 of the hostages’ captivity in Iran, and we at “Weekend Update” are getting real sick of having to look at this face. [ show image of the Ayatollah Komeini ] It’s a face that’s so severe, it could stop clocks, make babies cry, and scare dogs off the back of a meat truck. The Ayatollah Komeini, who has recently taken a lot of razzing is down in the dumps, and he’s complaining that the whole hostage thing is making him look bad. President Bonnie Sidar of Iran has suggested to the depressed Ayatollah that he might fell better if he went out and bought himself a new hat. So, a few days ago, Komeini, unannounced to others, slipped out of the country, and headed straight to Paris, where he went on a madcap hat-buying spree.
At first, the Ayatollah drove the salesmen crazy, because he couldn’t decide which hat would say, “Hey, I’m a fun guy, just like you.” He tried on lots of wonderful hats, and lots of fun characters. He went for the Davy Crockett theme.. [ puts Davy Crockett hat on Ayatollah dummy ] ..that did not work. Then, he tried the ol’ jolly St. Nicholas business.. [ puts Santa hat on Ayatollah dummy ] Didn’t work. He went for Popeye.. [ puts Popeye hat on Ayatollah dummy ] The Popeye appraoch didn’t work. Then he thought he’d really get down and funky.. [ puts hat and shades on Ayatollah dummy ] ..he went for the whole Jake & Elwood routine – The Blues Brothers – didn’t work at all. Then he tried a sort of round-and-out neo-Super Fly kind of look.. [ puts pimp hat on Ayatollah dummy ] ..this did not work. Then he tried Bella Abzug, as a last resort.. [ puts flowery hat on Ayatollah dummy ] Even Bella can’t pull this one off. I gotta say: Ayatollah, if you wanna go, if you wanna get loony – I know you, you’re a nut – if you wanna go, you know, go festive. Let loose the party animal within you, okay? Go completely nuts! [ puts lampshade on Ayatollah dummy ] Now, get out of here, you crazy Komeiniac! Get outta here! Jane?
Yes, it’s that time of year again. The annual Newfoundland harp seal slaughter is under way, but this year no one should feel bad about it. A Canadian naturalist and seal export reports that the baby harp is a vicious little animal that despises human beings, lies, cheats, carries a gun and has bad breath. It is also masochistic and loves to be clubbed on the head by Norweigians. 180,000 of the beasts should get it this season, and, we say, good riddance!
Jane Curtin: Walter Cronkite was attacked by a swarm of Malaysian butterflies in his apartment last night. The butterflies beat Walter senseless with their flapping wings, and then made their escape down an air-conditioning duct. Walter was then taken to a nearby hospital.
Bill Murray: Jane? That’s not.. true, now, is it?
Jane Curtin: Yeah! Yeah, it is! It just came over the wire a couple seconds ago. Yeah!
Bill Murray: Jane.. come on, now..
Jane Curtin: Ooookay, Bill.. I just thought that he might get kind of mad, and cal up, and then maybe we could talk to him, and then he might ask to see me, and.. you know?
Bill Murray: You’ll do anything to get into that old geezer’s pants, won’t you?
This just in – black people in the United States have a lower standard of living than whites. More on this as the situation changes.
Jane Curtin: Scientists claim that the increase of radioactivity in the environment can adversely affect cows and the milk they give. Because of this, more pregnant women are choosing to breastfeed their infants. Here to ocmment further on this, is correspondent Roseanne Roseannadanna.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot, Jane! Thanks a lot! A Mrs. Richard Feder of Fort Lee, New Jersey writes in and says, “Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna: I want to breastfeed my baby, but i’m not sure how you do it? Which breast do I use? How do I get the milk to be the right temperature? Will I have to heat up my breast? Do I have to sterilize my nipple? When I’m done, do I have to put my breast back in the refrigerator? And if I ate a Hershey Bar, will my breast make chocolate milk?”
Mrs. Feder, I didn’t think it was possible, but you’re just as stupid as your husband! But I know exactly what you’re thinking, ’cause I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, was a breastfed baby. Imagine, if you will, a teeny, tiny, infant Roseanne Roseannadanna, cute as a little doll, being held close to her mama’s bosum, sucking away like there’s no tomorrow! It’s natural, and I love stuff that’s natural! Natural foods, natural childbirth, natural history, natural resources, natural gas. And, most of all, natural beauty.
I hate it when people try all these tricks to make themselves look like real hot chic. With grain, a lot of eye make-up, or those ladies who corn-roll their hair like a lot of little braids, and hang Lifesavers and lights and buttons and feathers and little stuff from Toys-R-Us on the bottom of it, and their heads are clanking around, and they look like curtains at a gypsy’s house!
Why, just recently, I was in Tiffany’s exchanging this silver-plated letter opener that NBC gave me for Christmas – $12, thanks a lot. When, who do I see leaning over one of the counters, but Miss perfect 10 herself – Bo Derek! You know, that curvy-smurvy new movie star that everybody’s getting all hot and bothered about, and I don’t know why? ‘Cause I’m standing there, when, all of a sudeen, Miss Perfect 10 Lady sneezes. Not like a cute, dainty little sneeze, but a real blast-o one! Miss Perfect 10 fogged up half the glass counters in Tiffany’s! So, what does she do? She opens her perfect little purse, and takes out a perfect little Kleenex, and dobs her perfect ltitle face and then throws the perfect little Kleenex into the perfect little ball, and when she wiped off her nose, she didn’t push back in this one little perfect little nose hair. It just stuck out there! It was long and it was black and it was perfect, and I thought I was gonna die! Just between you and me, Roseanne Roseannadanna, I felt like yanking down two more hairs, braiding them and putting a bead at the end! Then, her nose would have looked like her hair. So I yelled, “Hey, Bo! Shove that hair back up your nose! What are you trying to do, make me sick?”
Jane Curtin: Roseanne..
Roseanne Roseannadanna: “You think you’re so neat, huh..?!”
Jane Curtin: Roseanne.. Roseanne! It’s really disgusting, you’re making me sick, okay?
Roseanne Roseannadanna: What’s your problem?
Jane Curtin: You’re straying from the subject, and you’re making everybody nauseous!
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane, it just goes to show you, it’s always something! If it’s not one thing, it’s another! If you don’t know how to breastfeed your baby, or Bo Derek makes you sick at Tiffany’s. It’s just like the little song my father used to sing to me before I went to bed at night. He’d tuck me into bed, and he would sing to me this song, written by musically-happening cousin – Carlos Santana Roseannadanna. And it went like this [ singing ]:
“You’ve got to change your perfect ways, Bo Derek before I-I-I sta-a-art loving you. You’ve got to change, Bo Derek ‘Cause I-I-I do-o-on’t envy you. You got perfect skin and white teeth, and you got perfect clothes but you also got a black hair hanging out of your nose. This can’t go on Lord knows this can’t go o-o-o-on!”
Jane Curtin: You’re right, Roseanne, this can’t go on. That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Ron…..Richard Benjamin Karen…..Laraine Newman Room Service…..Garrett Morris
[ open on interior, hotel room, Ron sitting on bed putting his socks after having affair with Karen, who sits casually behind him on the bed ]
Ron: I just want you to know that it was.. really, really great. Thank you. Thank you very much, I really appreciate it.
Karen: Would you stop thanking me? you know, I mean, I had a good time, too.
Ron: Yes, I know that. But I.. realy appreciate it. Thank you again. [ looks at watch ] Oh, God, it’s 6:30!
Karen: Yeah.. time really goes by when you’re having fun. [ wraps arm around Ron ]
Ron: Yeah.. [ notices Karen is wearing his shirt ] Oh, God.. Oh, God, you’re wearing my shirt!
Karen: Yeah, I was cold-
Ron: Okay.. okay, now, don’t panic.. alright.. calmy, let’s take it real calmly now.. alright.. okay, now.. take the shirt off, and please God, don’t get youself on it..
Karen: What are you talking about?
Ron: My wife has an incredible sense of smell.
Karen: You’re crazy.
Ron: No, I am telling you. You know when you go to someone’s house? And their dog can smell your dog on you? Well, you see, that’s Nancy.
Karen: What is she, a bloodhound? [ retreats to bathroom to remove shirt ]
Ron: No. Nancy’s a wonderful.. woman. A wonderful, wonderful woman. A very special, special lady. And I really don’t deserve her.
Karen: [ shirt removed ] Well, here you go, Sport.
Ron: Thank you. [ smells shirt, panics ] Oh, no.. oh, no, I can smell you!
Karen: Do I smell good?
Ron: Oh, yes. Very nice. But I want the shirt to smell like me again. you see, the shirt has to smell like me again. Let’s see, I, uh.. I went to the gym – yes, I went to the gym. And I exercised at the gym – that’s right, I exercised at the gym.. and I met Jim. No, no..
Karen: You’re really quite the swinger, aren’t you, Ron?
[ Ron drops to the floor and begins to do push-ups ]
Ron: No, no.. no, not really, you’d be surprised.. Oh, good.. I’m beginning to sweat.
Karen: Ooh! [ climbs on top of Ron as he does his push-ups ] I used to do this with my father!
Ron: You used to do this with your father?
Karen: Mmm-hmm.
Ron: Karen?
Karen: What?
Ron: It occurs to me that this is working against our purpose here.
Karen: [ climbs off ] Relax, Ronald, you’re beginning to stink.
Ron: [ happy ] Oh, really? Really! Is that really true? you’re not just saying that to be polite, are you?
Karen: No. You really smell.
Ron: Oh, good! Thank you! Thank you very much! I, uh.. I know I should go, but I, uh.. I should talk to you. How are you?
Karen: [ sighs ] I feel great-
Ron: Uh-huh.
Karen: Uh.. I had a great time.
Ron: Oh, thank you! Thank you very, very much.
Karen: You’re a really great lover.
Ron: Thank you! You are, too. I think what we do here is.. fine. [ looking around the room ] Where are my pants? [ Karen points to his pants draped over a chair ] Thank you. Thank you very much. [ begins to put his pants on ]
Karen: Well.. Ron. how was I?
Ron: You.. you were fine. You were just fine. You were terrific.. as always. Thank you. Thank you again. You’re a very, very nice person.
Karen: Thank you.
Ron: I’m a bad person. I’m the problem! I’m the idiot! I shouldn’t have done this, this was a mistake! Why do I keep doing this?! Why do I keep doing this?! Why do I have to have sex?!
Karen: Because you’re human, Ron!
Ron: Why?!
Karen: Because you’re an animal!
Ron: Why am I here?! Why am I here?! Why am I here?! Nancy’s at home, she probably has dinner on the stove waiting for me! What the hell do I do this or?!Why?! Why?! Why?! [ bangs his on the door repeatedly ]
[ someone knocks on the other side of the door; Ron develops a serious look of panic on his face ]
Ron: [ silently screams, and retreats to the bathroom ]
Karen: I’ll get it. [ answers door ]
[ Room Service enters enters with a cart of food ]
Karen: [ develops sly look on her face, decides to play joke on Ron ] Nancy! What are you doing here! [ pauses ] Yes! Ronald is in the bathroom! How the hell did you find us! [ pause ] You smelled us?! Why, that’s amazing! And look at you, you sweet thing, you brought us dinner! I’m sure Ron will be starved! You know, he’s been to the gym, and then.. well.. we had quite a workout here! [ laughs, then faces bathroom door ] Ron? Ron, you can come out now, I was just kidding. Ron. Ron, it’s Room Service! Remember, we ordered? [ turns to Room Service ] Come here, please. Would you say something?
Room Service: Uh.. uh.. it’s okay, Ron, man. Uh, it’s just Room Service, baby. Come on out here and eat something, maybe you’ll feel better. [ to Karen ] Uh.. you know, that’s really not nice, lady. [ to bathroom ] Hey, Ron! You got a pretty lady here, man, uh.. she’s good-looking, but mea-ean!
Karen: [ holds out tip for Room service ] There you go.
Room Service: Thank you very much. [ walks away ] Hey, nice talking to you, Ron! [ exits room ]
Karen: Come on out, Ron!
[ Ron slowly exits the bathroom, looking stiff ]
Karen: Are you alright?
Ron: My arm is numb. I think I’m having a stroke.
Karen: Do you want me to call an ambulance?
Ron: No, no! No! It would be better for all concerned if I died in the cab on the way home.
Karen: Oh, you poor man, you’d better lie down..
Ron: No, no.. I’ve got to go home now.
Karen: Oh, I can’t let you go if you’re having a stroke.
Ron: [ chuckles lightly ] Oh, I’m probably not having a stroke. I think I just don’t feel good.. not good at all.. and I want to go home! you can have my dinner, here.. I guess you paid for it.. [ pulls out money, then holds it back ] No.. no, no.. if I leave money, it’s too much like I’m.. leaving money.. uh.. I gotta go home. Uh.. thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m sorry.
Karen: Well.. goodbye.
[ they kiss ]
Ron: Gotta go.
[ she kisses him harder ]
Ron: Oh-oh.. oh, boy.. oh.. oh, God! Oh, boy.. Alright.. maybe just very quickly..
[ Ron and Karen tumble onto the bed and make out ]
Ron: Yes! You’re so nice.. thank you very much – you’re a wonderful.. thank you..
[ camera pulls out, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Senate Hearing Test” ]
Announcer: The story you’re about to see is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
(The title “Mr. Bill Strikes Back” makes a dramatic appearance.)
(Scene opens on a sidewalk with Mr. Bill and Spot.)
Mr. Bill: Oh, uh hey kids, it’s me Mr. Bill. Gee, you know, I’ve been having a lot of problems lately and well I’ve decided that it’s the people I’ve been hanging around with.
(Spot barks)
Mr. Bill: Oh, not you Spot. I’m talking about Mr. Hands and that mean ol’ Mr. Sluggo. You know, I think they’re out to get me. And, well I’m not going to take it anymore and I’m going to do something about it. So kids, I hope you’re ready to have fun today because we’re all going to the police. Yaaay!
(Cut to a police station. Inside, Mr. Bill and Spot are sitting on a chair.)
Mr. Bill: Oh boy, that Sluggo and Mr. Hands are really in trouble this time.
(A police officer (A pair of hands) appears)
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Well, hello lad. I’m Sgt. O’ Hanahan. May I be of some assistance to you?
Mr. Bill: Oh yeah, I would like to report a threat on my life.
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Well, who would want to harm a friendly little fellow like yourself?
Mr. Bill: Well, they used to be my friends, but lately they’ve been just mean to me.
(Spot barks)
Mr. Bill: Yeah, and their names are Sluggo and Mr. Hands and I’d like them locked up okay?
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Well, maybe you can describe them for our artists so that we can see what the virants look like.
Mr. Bill: (As the artist draws a picture) Okay, gee Mr. Hands is really short and he has ten fingers and Sluggo looks really mean.
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: (As the artist shows his drawing of Mr. Bill and Spot) Tell me, does this look anything like the two of them?
Mr. Bill: Oh no! That’s not them!
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: (Pulls out a pile of wanted posters from his desk drawer) Okay, let’s see if you think you can identify them with their photographs.
Mr. Bill: Oh, I’ll try.
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Now tell me if you spot them. (Starts showing Mr. Bill the posters of criminals)
Mr. Bill: Oh, that’s not them. No, no, (Sees a wanted poster of himself!) Oh wait! Wait! That’s me!
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Oh it says here that you are being wanted for armed robbery of the First Sluggo Savings and Loan.
Mr. Bill: No, but I didn’t do anything!
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: (Shows a wanted poster of Spot) And here’s your accomplice.
Mr. Bill: (Spot barks) No wait. We didn’t do anything!
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: I’m afraid I have to take your fingerprints. (places Mr. Bill’s hand on the fingerprint pad)
Mr. Bill: No but I don’t have any fingerprints! No wait! Ohhhhhhhhhh!
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: (looking at the flattened hands of Mr. Bill on the pad and on his file) Hmm, they’re a perfect match.
Mr. Bill: Oh no, but I swear I didn’t do anything!
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: I’ll have to have the handcuff the two of you. (Squeezes the handcuff around Mr. Bill’s chest.)
Mr. Bill: No wait, that’s too tight! No wait! Ohhhhhhhhhh!
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: And off we go to the lineup.
(Cut to the lineup where Mr. Bill is joined by familiar faces.)
Mr. Bill: Oh no! Oh wait, Mom? Miss Sally? Mr. Hands?
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Oh no. The bank teller (Sluggo) says that it was you Mr. Bill that robbed his bank. (places Mr. Bill at the cell door.)
Mr. Bill: No wait, I’ve been framed!
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: That’s what they all say. The sentence for armed robbery is twenty years in the slammer. (closes the cell door on Mr. Bill)
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.
Our top story tonight: Rumbling but strong earthquakes sends spewing tons of steam, mud and volcanic grit. Washington State’s 9,677-foot volcano, Mount St. Helens, is about ready to blow. Geologists agree that a major eruption is imminent, and could cause widespread disaster in the Pacific northwest. so, while there’s still time, we’d like to say goodbye to our NBC affiliate stations KHQ-TV in Spokane, and PING-TV in Seattle. We’ll miss you guys!
Republican presidential candidate hopeful John Anderson is taking some time off to consider running as a third-party candidate in November. Anderson was caught here in a rare moment of relaxation, sniffing a Coke at New York’s Studio 54.
Well, the early returns for the 1980 Census are coming in, and it appears that the results are very predictable. As projected, the population will exceed 250,000,000 people. The average family size has decreased from 4.5 to 3.1, and 60% more wives have joined the workforce. Thus far, the only surprise seems to be that 99 out of 100 Americans have a toilet in their kitchen.
Jane Curtin: Do you have a toilet in your kitchen, Bill?
Bill Murray: No. I use the Cuisanart.
Campaigning yesterday in Louisiana, former CIA Director George Bush finally reverted to his espionage training, when, after delivering a speech, he proceeded to memorize and eat it. Bush responded later, “It was just a reflex, and, besides, if the voters could swallow my speeches, why can’t I?”
Dan Rather was on special assignment this week in Afghanistan, disguising himself as an Afghani rebel in order to obtain material for a report airing on “60 Minutes” tomorrow night. Weekend Update has learned that the Rather report is an explosive one, dealing with numerous cases of overcharging by Afghani cabdrivers.
And Michu, the lovable circus midget, was executed by a firing sqaud this week. No explanation was given.
Jane Curtin: This just in: Medical experts say the Shah’s cancer has spread to Libya. more on this story as it develops.
And now, to talk about income taxes, is Weekend Update Social Sciences Editor, Al Franken. Al?
Al FRanken: Why, thanks, Jane! Well, now that it’s tax time, I know a lot of you are thinking, what can you do to help me, Al Franken, do my taxes. Well, first, let me say that 1979 was a pretty good year for me, even though it wasn’t part of the Al Franken Decade. As a major writer/personality for a major TV show, I did.. pretty well. I’m not gonna tell you exactly what I made, because it might make a few of you a little less likely to be concerned about me, Al Franken. But let’s just say that.. you’d be pretty impressed.
Now, one nice thing I learned about making a lot of money, is that on the percentage basis, the more money you make, the less taxes you really end up paying. For example, last year, George Bush paid $3,000 in taxes on almost $100,000 income. Not bad, George! You see, the tax codes are written by guys who have a lot of money – just like me, Al Franken.
Okay, now I’m gonna tell you three of the ways that I legally avoid paying my fair share of taxes. I’m not going to tell you everything – after all, this is something I pay my big-time accountant for, whose services are, by the way, tax-deductible.
Now, first – the Al Franken Corporation. You see, I make only $300 a week, paid to me by Al Franken the Corporation. Now, the rest of the money taken in by the Al Franken Corporation goes to paying many of the expenses of its employee – me, Al Franken. Now, of course, the more business expenses that Al Franken, me and Al Franken, the corporation can document, the less taxes I have to pay.
Which brings me to how you can help me, Al Franken with my taxes. I would like each and every one of you to send me your spare receipts. I mean, any receipts. you see, since I’m a comedian, almost anything I spend can be justified as a business expense. For example, this sports jacket. [ holds out sleeve ] See, I’m wearing it on TV, so it’s a business expense. [ pulls leg over desk ] You see.. these pants here. Now deductible, because they’re on TV. [ extends wrist ] Okay, this watch. It’s an expensive watch, it’s now deductible. Okay.. [ picks up tape deck and puts in on desk ] This portable tape deck. It’s got everything.. now deductible. Now, this Christmas, I went to Hawaii.. [ holds up picture ] ..and here’s a picture of me in Hawaii, taken by some friends I met there. And, I don’t know if you can see this – can we pull in a little closer there? [ camera zooms in on picture ] Now, obviously, I couldn’t have taken this picture unless I’d actually gone to Hawaii, and stayed in a hotel there. And I think that you, the audience, you like this picture, am I right? [ audence applauds wildly ] Okay, now the Hawaii trip is deductible.
Send me any receipt you can’t use! Books! Stationary! Medicine! My accountant can something with it, believe me! I’d like to talk especially to you poor people, who were unemployed in 1979, and went below the poverty level in ghettos of America. Now, you don’t pay taxes, you don’t need your receipts, so send them to me, please, everybody! Send in your receipts to me, Al Franken, New York, New York. I’d appreciate it. Thank you.
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Al, I hope everything works out.
The Television Advertising Bureau has revealed that sponsors last year soent $4.7 billion on TV advertising, and that rates have risen 75% in five years. For example, since this show has been on, a minute on “Weekend Update” has gone from $40,000 to $75,000 a minute.
Bill Murray: You mean, if I were a sponsor, I would have to pay $75,000 a minute for you? Don’t you think that sort of makes you feel like a prostitute?
Jane Curtin: I think I’m worth $75,000 a minute.
Bill Murray: I think I could get Jane Pauly for half of that.
Jane Curtin: If you like it in the morning.
Bill Murray: Maybe.. maybe they can throw in Pink Lady.
Individually-wrapped slices of American cheese, traveling at the speed of sound, caused sonic booms all along the easten seaboard this evening. The governor of North Carolina issued a statement asking coastal residents to pray long and hard throughout the night.
Bill Murray: One year ago this week, the nation’s worst nuclear accident took place in Pennsylvania’s Three Mile Island. Despite conflicting reports, Pennsylvania health authorities say there is no connection between the radiation leakage and soaring infant mortality rates. However, the accident is now one-year old, and thirty-one infants are not.
[ pulls out a cake with a huge nuclear reactor-shaped candle on top ]
Jan and Joe Roman of Wilskbury sent us this nuclear meltdown birthday candle to mark the occasion.
[ singing ] “Happy Birthday to you Happiest of birthdays to you-ou! Happy Birthday, you old nuclehead Happy Birthday to-oo you-ouou!”
Jane?
Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night – feel better, Larry – and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 5: Episode 16 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
April 12th, 1980 Burt Reynolds Anne Murray None None Max Pross Rosie Shuster
BackstageSummary:
Montage
Burt Reynold’s MonologueSummary: Burt Reynolds tries to prove that fame hasn;t gone to his head by interacting one-on-one with a young gentleman in the audience. Transcript
FanSummary: Parents are eager to let their daughters to sleep with Burt Reynolds.
Roman VomitoriumSummary: A suave Roman (Burt Reynolds) picks up women at the local vomitorium.
Anne Murray performs “Lucky Me”
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) comments on the plight of the panda. Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.
Baba Wawa At LargeSummary: Marlon Brando (Burt Reynolds) pigs out during an interview with Barbara Walters (Gilda Radner). Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Marlon Brando.
Burt Reynolds: Thanks a lot, it was a great evening. And, uh — I had a great time! Appreciate it! [ he pats his padded Marlon Brando robe ] God bless!
Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Strother Martin, with musical guest The Specials. This is Don Pardo — well… who else would it be? Good night…
Air Date:
Summary: Burt Reynolds tries to prove that fame hasn;t gone to his head by interacting one-on-one with a young gentleman in the audience.
