Rodney Dangerfield: I’ll tell ta, I’m alright now but last week I was in rough shape, ya know? I mean, last week I looked up my family tree – I found out I’m the sap! I’ll tell ya, I can’t relax, you know?
Like the other night, I was in a place and I felt like having a few drinks.. I went over to the bartender, I said, “Surprise me!” He showed me a naked picture of my wife!
Yesterday was a beauty, too – yesterday. I asked a cabdriver: “Where could I get some action?” He took me to my house!
Yeah, I’ll ya, nothin’ goes right, you know? My sex life is nothin’ – my wife put me down for once a month.. put me down for once a month! Oh, I’m lucky – two guys I know, she cut out completely!
I’ll tell ya’, my wife never went for me, I’m not a sexy guy – I know I’m not sexy! What, this morning when I put on my underwear, I could hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling! Are you kidding, I know I’m ugly – I stuck my head out the window, got arrested for mooning! I was an ugly kid, too – I had plenty of pimples. One day I fell asleep in the library, I woke up, a blind man was reading my face!
I’ll tell ya’, I went through plenty! Why, the first time I hitchhiked, I got beat up – I used the wrong finger! Well, that’s the story of my life – no respect! I don’t get no respect at all!
Spokesman V/O: The stock market rises and falls. Savings account interest doesn’t even keep up with inflation. And stamps take YEARS to collect.
[ dissolve to Spokesman seated in leather chair in his office ]
Spokesman: Now… for the person who is wise enough to recognize the world’s finest investment — and secure enough not to have to apologize for it — the South African Gold Board introduces a distinguished new gold coin: the Niggerrand. This 1-ounce, 99.9% fine gold coin commemorates the labor of those who made it possible…
[ dissolve to close-up illustration of the coin ]
Spokesman V/O: With this beautifully-etched portrait of an actual African minesman. On the reverse: a beautifully-etched map of the areas where, by law, these workers are allowed to live.
[ dissolve back to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: You’ll want to treasure your Niggerrands for years to come. Or you’ll want to buy and sell them, just like the people they honor… do! For that perfect person on your gift list, the Niggerand is an especially perfect way of expressing your feelings of caring. Because it’s the gift that keeps on grinning! Tomorrow is the perfect time to begin YOUR investment program.
[ dissolve to the coin ]
Spokesman V/O: Why not visit your selected bank or brokerage house, and put your future in Niggerrands! Because even the colorblind can see gold!
Husband…..Paul Shaffer Wife…..Gilda Radner Clerk…..Bill Murray …..Rodney Dangerfield Nurse…..Laraine Newman Black Male Customer…..Garrett Morris Black Female Customer…..Yvonne Hudson Nazi…..Tom Davis Man…..Brian Doyle-Murray Rodney’s Wife…..Jane Curtin
[ open on couple entering sperm bank ]
Husband: I’m telling you – this is a waste of time and money. I am not sterile! You’rebarren!
Wife: Now, don’t be defensive, honey. I mean, Dr. Rayburn did report that you had a zero sperm count.
Husband: I don’t understand.. how can it be zero?
Wife: God, I hate to go shopping with you!
[ phone rings; Clerk answers ]
Clerk: Dr. Shockley’s House of Sperm. No, we’re open 24 hours. Just bring in an a recent IQ test, or an SAT test.. something like that. Well, thnak you. Bye bye. [ hangs up ]
Wife: Hello, um.. my husband and I would like to have a child, but, unfortunately, my husband is sterile.
Husband: Honey, I’m not sterile!
Wife: Well, in any case.. we have a problem, and we’re unable to have children, and we thought we’d try the House of Sperm.
Clerk: Well, you’ve come to the right place. By far, we have the widest selection. I mean, much more than Gizz World, or Jelly Barn.. any of those places. What did you have in mind?
Husband: Well, uh.. assuming for the moment that I were, uh.. sterile.. what, uh.. and we did, you know.. need your product.. what, uh, what donor would you recommend?
Clerk: [ thinking ] Consider a.. a Nobel Prize winner, for example. We’ve got some Linus Pauling here. [ points to a sample below the case ]
Wife: Oh. Maybe, maybe, yeah..
Clerk: Yeah, an athletic kind of thing in mind, we’ve got Eric Hyden right here.. Here’s a very popular number, it’s very popular.. [ pulls out a full rack of vials ] This is the U.S. Olympic Hockey Team.
Wife: Hmm.. hmm.. uh, you know.. we were talking on the way over here, and we thought maybe it’d be nice to have a child with a really great sense of humor. You wouldn’t, by any chance, have some Rodney Dangerfield?
Clerk: Oh, yes! Very popular item. Let me see here.. [ looks around for some samples, but can’t seem to find any ] Oh.. oh.. well, I’m afraid that we’re all out of Rodney Dangerfield right now. But, actually, if you could ocme back tomorrow, I could re-order..
Wife: Oh.. I don’t know, we’ll think about it..
Clerk: Well, wait, just a second.. perhaps, if you’ll juat wait around for one or two minutes.. I’ll go in the back and check the stockroom, maybe there’s some Rodney Dangerfield back there, okay?
Wife: [ chipper ] Okay! Thank you!
[ Clerk slips into the back room ]
[ cut to back room, where Rodney Dangerfield exits a small room and approaches the Nurse on duty ]
Nurse: Okay, Mr. Dangerfield, thanks for filling those orders, there’s your check.
Rodney Dangerfield: Okay, no problem, you know?
Clerk: [ now entering room ] Hi, Rodney! How’s it going?
Rodney Dangerfield: [ tired ] Okay, you know..
Clerk: Sorry to bother you, but, uh.. you don’t suppose you could, uh..
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, no, no.. not another one.. are you kidding? I can’t make it, forget about it, will ya? Not again!
Clerk: Rodney, Rodney, Rodney.. they’re selling like hotcakes! I mean, people just want funny kids nowadays.
Rodney Dangerfield: But I can’t! I’m not a kid any more, I’m getting old! Are you kidding me? I’m at the age now, when I squeeze into a parking space, I’m sexually satisfied! Are you kidding? I’m old! Why, in my back yard, I got a kidney-shaped pool with a stone in it, are you kidding? It’s rough!
Clerk: [ laughing ] That’s very funny, Rodney! But I’ll tell ya – there would be so much appreciation, and.. and.. and.. and.. affection, and.. hey.. respect, too! Wouldn’t that be great for you – respect, from the unborn generations of the future, if you would, how about it?
Rodney Dangerfield: Well, alright, I’ll do it..
Clerk: Ah, thanks a lot, Rodney! We really appreciate it!
Nurse: [ hands Rodney a large measuring cup ] Here you go, Mr. Dangerfield.
Rodney Dangerfield: Hey, you’re an optimist, aren’t you? [ Nurse hands him the latest issue of Playboy magazine ] Oh, yeah.. thanks. Thanks a lot.
[ cut back to the main area of the shop, in the front ]
Clerk: On the other hand, if you’d like to reconsider, uh.. we’re having a sale on the David Susskind. Uh.. if you change your mind.
Wife: No, no.. we don’t think so..
Clerk: Well, it’s a great bargain. You really oughtta consider it – David Susskind.
Husband: No, we really don’t much care for David Susskind.
Clerk: Yeah, well.. if you don’t want it, then, heck, give it a try.. if the child doesn’t work, bring it back and, uh.. we’ll put it to sleep for ya.
Wife: No. We.. want.. Rodney Dangerfield!
Clerk: Okay, alright.. we’ll have the Rodney Dangerfield for you in just a second, how’s that? [ the couple perks up ] Huh?
[ cut to the back room, where Nurse peeks in to check up on Rodney ]
Nurse: How are you doing in there, Mr. Dangerfield, are you alright?
Rodney Dangerfield: Look, if you keep on interrupting me, we’ll never get anywhere!
[ cut back to from area of shop, as a black couple enters ]
Clerk: Oh, hi! good afternoon. Can I help you?
Black Male Customer: Yeah, uhh.. you got any Paul Robeson?
Clerk: Uh.. no, I’m afraid we don’t.
Black Female Customer: Well, how about some Andrew Young.
Clerk: Uhh.. no, sorry.
Black Male Customer: Uh, yeah.. Willie Mays? You got Willy Mays in there?
Clerk: Uh.. well, I’m afraid that Dr. Shockley doesn’t stock exactly what you had in mind.. but, uh.. the closest we can get for you is, uh.. Tony Orlando. [ Black Male Customer isn’t interested ] Alright.. well, then.. the best thing for you, then – the best bet – would be, uh.. the Mystery Bin.
Black Male Customer: The Mystery Bin? What is that?
Clerk: Uh.. it’s just what it says. It’s a Mystery Bin. I mean, it could be anybody in there, from a bum to a president of the United States – and there is one in there..
Black Male Customer: [ thinking it over ] Uhhh..
Clerk: It’s the best bargain in the house!
Black Male Customer: Uh.. I don’t know, man.. it sounds a little risky to me, man..
Clerk: Well, uh..
Black Male Customer: I’ll tell you what. Since you don’t have no brothers.. who’s that, uh.. white dude, you know the one that “don’t get no respect”?
Black Female Customer: Oh, Rodney.. Rodney Dangerfield.
Black Male Customer: Yeah! You got him?
Clerk: Uhh..
Wife: [ interrupting ] Now, wait a minute! That’s what we’ve been waiting for – the Rodney Dangerfield.
Husband: We were here first!
Clerk: Now, now.. please, please.. let’s not get excited.. there’ll be plenty of Rodney Dangerfield to go around.. [ ambles toward the back door ] Let me, uh.. I’ll check on that right now.. I’ll be..
[ cut to back room, as Rodney pokes his head out from the room to speak to the Nurse ]
Rodney Dangerfield: Hey, is there any way to turn the lights on in here?
Nurse: Uh.. no. I’m sorry, Mr. Dangerfield. Building regulations.
Clerk: How you doing in there, Rodney?
Rodney Dangerfield: Hey, give me a break, will ya? A few more minutes, okay? I’m doing the best I can!
Clerk: Rodney, I hate to re-order again.. [ laughs ] ..but.. could ya?
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, it’s impossible! Are you kidding? I can’t! No way! No way! You kidding? It can’t be done!
Clerk: But, Rodney, this is very important. These are our first black customers.
Rodney Dangerfield: I’m telling ya, you’re gonna kill the goose that laid the golden egg! I’m telling you that right now!
Music: [ helpful ] Mr. Dangerfield? Would it help if I played a little music?
Rodney Dangerfield: How about a Bolero?
[ cut back to the front room, where a large crowd of people have now gathered, including a group of Nazis and more suburban couples, all shouting at once ]
Wife: We’ve been waiting here for at least twenty minutes!
Clerk: I’m really sorry.. I’m sorry! Please don’t leave.. no.. it’s coming! Please.. it won’t be long.. [ a Man enters the shop ] Can I help you, sir?
Nazi: Yes, uh.. we were wondering if you might, by any chance, have some Rodney Dangerfield.
Clerk: Uh..
Man: Now, we called yesterday! If there’s any Rodney Dangerfield, we should get it!
Clerk: Wait! Wait! I’m gonna try to get the Dangerfield for you! i’m gonna see what I can do! You’ll have to understand! [ re-enters back room ] Uh.. Rodney! Rodney, I hate to ask you this, but.. could you? Ha ha ha!
[ scene fizzles out to reveal Rodney bouncing about it bed with his wife, having a horrible, horrible dream ]
Rodney Dangerfield: [ in his sleep ] I can’t! I can’t! forget about it, I can’t! I can’t!
Rodney’s Wife: Honey! Honey, wake up!
Rodney Dangerfield: Forget about it, I can’t! I can’t! [ opens his eyes, realizing he’s in his own bedroom ] Jeannie! Oh, thank God! Thank God!
Rodney’s Wife: Awwww.. now, let’s turn off the lights, and give me a kiss!
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, I can’t! I can’t! I telling you, I can’t!
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.
Our top story tonight: In the wake of a controversy over our UN boat on the West Bank, an embarrassed President Carter tried to placate the Jewish community today. Carter issued still another apology, and announced that the will allow the building of Israeli settlements on the White House lawn.
Interviewed in Paris, former President Richard Nixon commented on Secretary of State Cyrus Vance’s taking responsibility for the UN fiasco. He said, “If I had made Henry Kissinger do that, he would have resigned.” Reached for reaction, Kissinger reportedly answered, “President Nixon tried to make me do something like that once, and guess who resigned?”
Bill?
Bill Murray: CBS News revealed this week that the White House tried to stop “60 Minutes” from airing last week’s segment on Iran and the abuses by Savak and the Shah. According to “60 Minutes”, the White House also tried to stop a feature by Andy Rooney about how you can never get the little tab that you push in on laundry detergent boxes to come back up and plug up the hole so the detergent spills out, and how he thinks the detergent companies do that on purpose to make you buy more detergent. CBS agreed to delay the Rooney piece until after the hostages are released.
Mohammed Ali, last night, won the Heavyweight title for an unprecedented fourth tie. He achieved this by swallowing his opponent, WBC champ John Tate. Ali said he will now rest up and build up an appetite for Larry Holmes in September.
Jane?
Jane Curtin: The Federal Food & Drug Administration announced this week that saccharine and artificial sweeteners are acceptable for human consumption. However, as a result of the tests done by that organization, many American cities have begun to use saccharine as rat poison. Experts agree that a good case of bladder cancer is about the only thing that can bring some of those big ones down.
Former President Gerald R. Ford, fielding expectations that he may make another run at the White House, said yesterday that the very first thing he would do as president is pardon Richard Nixon once again. Ford said, “I think people would accept it more this time around. Help me up, would you, please? Where am I? Ouch!”
Yugloslav President Tito has now been on his deathbed for 66 days, and his condition is reported as stable. Tito still has a long way to go to beat the deathbed record of 45 1/2 months set in the 70’s by Generalisimo Francisco Franco.. but he’s off to a good start.
Bill Murray: Hey, you trivia nuts, remember these two guys?
Jane Curtin: No..
Bill Murray: Never mind.
Jane Curtin: While “Get Well” cards would be in poor taste, you might send him a simple “Beat Franco” card. The address is Death Bed, State Hospital, Belgrade, Yugoslavia. Bill!
Bill Murray: [ starting over ] Hey, you trivia nuts! Remember these two guys? We grew up with them. You want a hint? They’re June and Ward’s kids.. Lumpy Rutherford’s neighbor.. Eddie Haskill and Larry Mandellos’s best friends..? Now you know? Sure you do! They’re Wally and Beaver Cleaver.. which brings us to tonight’s Celebrity Corner. A rarity. It took a little doing.. but here they, all grown up, from their dressing room at the Westchester County Dinner Theater where they’re appearing at. Let’s meet Tony Dow and Jerry Mathers – nice to have you here, guys!
Jerry Mathers: Hi, Bill!
Tony Dow: Hey, Bill!
Bill Murray: Now, hey, Beav.. now, we all heard that you got killed in Vietnam. Is that true?
Jerry Mathers: Well, I…
Tony Dow: Hey, you little squirt! What’dja go and tell everybody that for?
Jerry Mathers: Aw, gee, Tony! It was on account of the show was off the air, and I figured that nobody knew who we were or cared about us.. and I thought maybe I’d just get us some attention!
Tony Dow: Wow-w-w.. when Dad hears about this, he’s gonna go ape! I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t.. slug ya’, or something.
Bill Murray: Well, Jerry.. what you’ve done is a real serious thing, and I think you should apologize.
Jerry Mathers: Gee, Bill! Do I really have to do that? If I apologize in front of everybody, I’ll look like a creep!
Tony Dow: Yeah, Bill, don’t make Jerry apologize! I mean, I know he’s a squirt, but he.. still doesn’t want to look like a little goof!
Bill Murray: Well, young man.. maybe next time, you’ll think about what you’re doing, and the consequences that follow.
Jerry Mathers: Hey, Bill, I was thinking. When you were a kid.. did you get, well.. in trouble, and mess things up, and stuff?
Bill Murray: Well, Jerry, I guess all of us, at one time or another, or.. messed up. But, the important thing is that we learn from our mistakes.
Tony Dow: Hey, you’re, uh.. you’re not gonna make him go up to his room, are ya’? I mean, uh.. he won’t go around spreading rumors again. Honest!
Bill Murray: Well, we’ll discuss this when you get home. I’ll speak to you later.
Jerry Mathers: Thanks, Bill!
Bill Murray: Alright, break a leg. Very nice to have them.. on Celebrity Corner, huh, Jane?
Jane Curtin: Bill.. you don’t think you were too hard on the boys, do you?
Bill Murray: No, Jane, I.. the boys have got to learn something, and I-I don’t think we’ll ever hear that rumor about Beaver getting killed in Vietnam again, either, huh!
[ Bill shuffles his papers, not looking at the camera – it’s still his turn to do the next joke ]
Jane Curtin: Bill?
Bill Murray: Yeah! [ laughing ] Alright!
Ian Smith offered to serve this week in the cabinet of Robert Mugabe, newly-elected Prime Minister of Rhodesia. Mugabe, a black Marxist, is anxious to calm Rhodesia’s African-White minority, reportedly has asked former Prime Minister Smith to serve as a lawn jockey in front of Mugabe’s home.
Jane?
Jane Curtin: Combined highway and transportation agencies reported this week that in 1979 traffic deaths exceeded 50,000 for the second year in a row. This grimming figure is offset, however, by data showing that 30,000 people were born in traffic, and 20,000 were conceived in automobiles stalled in traffic during the same period.
New York City police arrested a man this week for impersonating the late Ed Sullivan. It was the first arrest of an Ed Sullivan impersonator in over three years.
Jane Curtin: The U.S. Immigration Service has estimated that close to one million Mexicans illegally enter the U.S. each year. Here with the latest developments on that story, is Father Guido Sarducci. Father?
Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you, Jane. Tonight, I have a really hot scoop for you. It’s true that almost one million Mexicans enter the United States illegally every year. But not all of them run across the border through the bushes. I found out that in Tijuana, Mexico, they’re giving what they call nationality-change operations. You can change from-a any nationality to another one, and rich Mexicans, they’re going down there and they’re getting changed to Japanese. It cost $5,000, and for $5,000 they get the surgery, clothes, camera, everything! And then, what do they do? They put them out on-a tourist buses, and then-a they just drive-a across the border, and they just think they=a just Japanese tourists going down to Tijuana for-a the day. But I understand that American Customs officials, theyre-a getting wise to it, and what they started doing now is, to the Japanese tourists, they always give a Rice Test at the border. And-a what they do is they bring-a out the rice and give-a them chopsticks, and if they don’t know how to properly eat with-a chopsticks, that mwans they’re probably Mexicans AND they make-a them go back. And I understand any Japanese person, south of-a Disneyland, is suspect of being a Mexican, so it’s a really tough time there for them.
We’re very, very fortunate tonight to the first Italian who had a sex — I mean, sex — I keep-a saying a sex change, that’s past — this is the first Italian who had his nationality-change operation. His-a name is-a Marcello Paterna. And he had it changed from Italian to Japanese. He doesn’t-a speak-a DEnglish, unfortunately, so I’m-a gonna have to-a translate for you. And the first one I’m gonna ask him is: Why did he have this operation? What’s the story behind it?
[ Sarducci repeats the question to Marcello in Italian, then translates ]
He said ever since he was a little kid, he always-a liked-a Japanese things.
[ Marcello answers more in Italian ]
He said every day, he used to-a ask his mother to make-a him some rice.
[ Marcello answers more in Italian ]
— and fish.
[ Marcello answers more in Italian ]
He said all-a Italians like-a fish, but, again, he liked it RAW!
[ Marcello answers more in Italian ]
He said he always-a felt that he was-a Japanese, but that he-a was-a TRAPPED in an Italian body. And now, I’m-a gonna ask him IF the operation was painful.
[ Sarducci repeats the question to Marcello in Italian, then translates ]
No. He says it wasn’t very painful.
[ Marcello answers more in Italian ]
But now-a, he says, his face, it feels like-a real tight.
[ Marcello answers more in Italian ]
Uh, he says that the worst-a part was that he had to wait a long-a time to get the operation, and this annoyd him.
[ Marcello answers more in Italian ]
He says he had to wait-a long-a time, because there was a lot of-a Greek people in front of him. They was-a all getting changed to be Arabs, Well, now I only have one more question for him, and that question is: How did they change-a his complexion?
[ Sarducci repeats the question to Marcello in Italian, then translates ]
Ah! He says they ddin’t do anything to his skin, but-a when he was-a in-a Mexico, he got a liver — what do you call it? Hepatitis — and-a what it is, is-a jaundice. Well, gracias, Marcello. I don’t think I’m gonna shake hands with him. And, once more, it’s been-a wodnerful. Arriverderci, America!
Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, Walter, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 5: Episode 14 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
March 15th, 1980 None James Taylor Paul Simon David Sanborn None Michael O’Donaghue John Belushi Sen. Daniel P. Moynihan Carrie Fisher Ralph Nader Michael Palin Lorne Michaels Yvonne Hudson Matt Neuman Sarah Paley Alan Zweibel Andy Murphy SeanceSummary: The spirits of Michael O’Donoghue and John Belushi are summoned during a psychic seance in honor of SNL’s 100th episode. Transcript
Montage
Bill Murray’s New York SongSummary: Bill Murray sings of the greatness of living in New York City.
Horizon System 12Summary: The world’s biggest television system still retains its tiny viewing screen. Transcript
The Biggest LeprechaunSummary: Sean the Leprechaun (Peter Aykroyd) is easily captured due to his large size. Transcript
The NerdsSummary: Todd’s (Bill Murray) quest to become Student Body president may be ruined by a smear campaign, when his opponent (Harry Shearer) brings up a past mooning infraction. Recurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca. Transcript
James Taylor & Paul Simon perform “Cathy’s Clown”, “Sunny Skies”, “Take Me to the Mardi Gras”
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Ralph Nader. Roseanne Roseannadanna (Gilda Radner). Recurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna. Transcript
The Minstrels of NewcastleSummary: Schanken the Minstrel (Bill Murray) irks his fellow musicians when he can’t master four drum beats in time to perform for the Queen (John Belushi). Transcript
Talk Or DieSummary: Dirk Savage (Michael Palin) struggles to interview his guests while enduring a multitude of death threats during the show. Transcript
New York State WinesSummary: Sen. Daniel P. Moynihan promotes New York State Wines, even though the taste isn’t favored by Honker (Bill Murray) and a pair of discriminating bums (Garrett Morris, Peter Aykroyd). Recurring Characters: Honker.
David Sanborn performs “Anything You Want”
The David Susskind ShowSummary: David Susskind (Bill Murray) interviews ordinary people who have undergone extreme plastic surgery measures in order to look like their favorite celebrities. Recurring Characters: David Susskind. Transcript
Flutist…..Paul Shaffer Schwanken…..Bill Murray Jangler…..Michael Palin Lutist…..Peter Aykroyd Second Flutist…..James Taylor Servant Girl…..Laraine Newman Elenour of Gaunt…..John Belushi
[ open on exterior, Gaunt Manor ]
[ SUPER: “Gaunt Manor, Middlesex, England 1267” ]
[ dissolve to interior, The Minstrels of Newcastle practicing their performance for Elenour of Gaunt ]
[ Schwanken’s drumbeat is coniderably off ]
Flutist: Noooo, no, no! You’re doing it all wrong! It’s just four beats! One.. two.. three.. four! It’s simple!
Schwanken: But I did that! One.. two.. [ pauses ] ..three.. four.
Flutist: No! One.. two.. three.. four! You don’t stop in the middle – you go charging right through with it!
[ Schwanken pounds the drum ]
Jangler: Look, you were playing it before, weren’t you? You’ve done it! You had it at the beginning. You started our right, then you lost it!
Flutist: Go again, then. One.. two.. three.. four..
[ the Minstrels begin again, but Schwanken is still off on his drumbeats ]
Flutist: No, no! Where’s the fourth beat?! It’s so floggin’ simple! Look! We’re in the floggin’ Gaunt Manor, floggin’ Elenour of Gaunt is gonna come through that floggin’ door any minute, listen to us play this floggin’ song, and she’s gonna decide if she’s gonna be our floggin’ patron! And you can’t play four floggin’ beats of music on the drum like you did before!
Jangler: No, no, no, no – it’s only gonna confuse him. [ to Schwanken ] Look.. don’t think about it – just play it! You had it before!
Schwanken: How would you like to come over here, sit down at this drum, and watch you guys playin’ away, without the slightest hope of knowin’ what you’re doin’?!
Flutist: You don’t have to know what we’re doing. All you have to do is play four floggin’ beats on the drum! Look! [ demonstrates ] One.. two.. three.. four!
Schwanken: That’s what I was doing before..
Flutist: But you were stopping! You weren’t charging through! Now, let’s try it – one.. two.. three.. four!
[ the Minstrels begin again, but Schwanken errs his drumbeats once more ]
Jangler: Yeah!
Flutist: Noooooo!
[ Schwanken keeps beating ]
Jangler: You had it before!
Schwanken: You’ve been sayin’ that all floggin’ day! But it’s not gonna change anything! I can’t play it!
Flutist: Just floggin’ listen for a floggin’ minute!
Schwanken: Hold it, that’s it! You’ll have to get yourself another floggin’ drummer, huh! Who needs this?! I can always go back to being a tinker’s apprenctice!
Jangler: Listen.. Schwanken.. Scwanken! You’ve been with us from the beginning, haven’t you? you’re the sex symbol of the group, right? Alright. We wouldn’t be the Minstrels of Newcastle and Berlin without floggin’ Schwanken the drummer!
Lutist: That’s right. You’re great, Schwanken, you’re great. If it weren’t for you, that crowd at the festival in Charles would never have remembered us. It was the drummin’ that did it, and it was your drummin’.
Second Flutist: That’s right!
Flutist: Yeah..
Schwanken: Well.. I was inspired.. you know. We were all drinkin’ mead, you know, and uh.. it’s just happened, you know? Not like this floggin’ strugglin’!
Flutist: But you can’t floggin’ play on floggin’ mead all the time!
Schwanken: Well, I play better when I play on floggin’ mead all the time!
Flutist: You just think you play better, but you don’t play better! It throws the whole fuckin’ timing off! [ looks away, embarrassed at his flub ]
Schwanken: Well, fly on your floggin’ timing! You’re not the greatest piper in the world, either! [ waves his drumsticks menacingly ]
Flutist: Don’t you floggin’ point that insipid drumstick at me, you loutish wastral!
Schwanken: You call me a loutish wastral, huh! Well, you’ll think twice before you do that again! [ grabs Flutist in a headlock ]
Jangler: Hey, Schwanken – [ moves Schwanken’s arm to beat drumstick on Flutist’s head ] One.. two.. three.. four.
Schwanken: Is that right?
Flutist: ..it’s the right beat.. yeah. Alright. Let’s try it again. One.. two.. three.. four.
[ the Minstrels try it again, Schwanken still screwing up the timing of his drumbeats ]
[ Servant Girl enters ]
Servant Girl: Announcing the wife of Sir Roger Widefries, Duke of Gaunt, presently in holy combat with the heathen of hordes of Turkey and Asia – her Ladyship – Elenour of Gaunt!
[ Elenour of Gaunt enters ]
Elenour of Gaunt: [ cooing ] Minstrels of Newcastle and Berlin, my neice, Gertrude of Gaunt, soon to be wed to Richard Monhornsteen, my old husband, was quite taken with your performance at the feast of Charles.
Flutist: Thank you, Your Ladyship. May I introduce an original composition, written especially for this occasion, by, yours truly, Hotiscrayn the Minstrel, appropriately entitled “Winter Solstice Martet to Her Ladyship O’Neil”. [ to Minstrels ] One.. two.. three.. four.
[ the Minstrels begin their performance for Elenour, but Schwanken botches his drumbeats once more ]
Elenour of Gaunt: Stoooooooopp! Stoooooooopp! It’s floggin’ four beats! Don’t you understand?! Get up, get up, get up!
Schwanken: [ stands ] Yes, Your Ladyship.
Elenour of Gaunt: I’ll show you! I shall be a drummer!
Flutist: One.. two.. three.. four.
[ the Minstrels begin anew, with Elenour demonstrating the correct way to do the four beats ]
[ the cast and guests, including Lorne Michaels, wave good night ]
Announcer: We’ll be back, live, on April 5th, three weeks from tonight. In the meantime, watch our encore performances and “The Best of Saturday Night Live” on Fridays at 10:00, 9:00 Mountain and Central. The first hundred shows are the hardest, so, from now on, this show should be a cinch. This is Don Pardo. Good night.
Announcer: Horizon Corporation announces System 12 – a breakthtrough. The largest television system ever is now even larger, with a full 42″ picture tube, for the brightest image ever! Power-modular elements and components, making it the heaviest, most powerful television in Horizon history. With channel selector, channel control center, AC power cord, twelve speakers, and a high-performance television sound system with the loudest sound reproduction ever! Housed in a full 204″ cabinet, design-crafted in the great tradition of American workmanship.
[ System 12 finally revealed to be a tiny picture tube encased by massive speakers and wood casing ]
System 12: a masterpiece! Louder sound, more parts, bigger and better than ever.
System 12. The parts go in before the name goes on.
…..Sen. Daniel P. Moynihan Sean…..Peter Aykroyd Female Leprechaun #1…..Jane Curtin Male Leprechaun #1…..Brian Doyle-Murray Male Leprechaun #2…..Harry Shearer Female Leprechaun #2…..Laraine Newman Male Leprechaun #3…..Paul Shaffer
Sen. Daniel P. Moynihan: Good evening. In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, I’ve been asked to read one of the old favorite Irish faerie tales. It’s called “The Biggest Leprechaun”.
[ reading ]
“Once upon a time, in the county Cary, in a tiny, small grass house nearby to an empty milk can that had long ago fallen off a farmer’s cart, and next to a stump and beside a fence that marked Old Man McGuire’s pasture, there lived a band of leprechauns. These were some of the little people, also known as the wee ones, who are the mischevious faeries, who people the mountains and vales, the bonds and bondsides of all Ireland.”
[ dissolve to leprechauns dancing around the empty milk can ]
Sen. Daniel P. Moynihan V/O: They’re rarely seen, but well known for their playful pranks. And it’s well known, also, that, should a person manage to catch one, a leprechaun would promise a pot of gold to be set free. Now, among this particular band was a leprechaun named Sean, who, while wee, was even so the least wee of all the wee people.”
[ Sean, a bigger-sized leprechaun runs into the scene ]
Sean: Run for it – hide! I threw some chowder in Mrs. Murphy’s overalls, and she’s right at our hells!
[ the leprechauns panic, and run into their grass house; Sean is so much bigger, that he cannot fit inside with them ]
Sen. Daniel P. Moynihan V/O: “Sean was indeed so tall, he was taller than a milk can. And he was so fat, he was bigger than a bucket. So it was hard for him to hide, and he often got caught.”
[ the leprechauns slowly exit their grass house, as Sean returns to them ]
Sean: I got caught again! I had to promise old Mrs. Murphy a pot of gold!
Female Leprechaun #1: Oh, that’s just grand, Mr. High And White – you think we’re made of gold?!
Male Leprechaun #1: Ah, you’re a sorry lot, my lad! And a lot of lad, I might add! But you know what the price of gold is today?! Why, you’re just giving it away, you damn fool!
Male Leprechaun #2: Aye, you call yourself a teenie-weenie? That’s a laugh! You’re a four-foot-long tub of hot tar!
Female Leprechaun #2: No wonder you get caught all the time! Must you stand up so straight, can’t you slouch a little?!
Male Leprechaun #3: Sean’s not a faerie! Sean’s not a faerie!
Male Leprechaun #2: Alright, enough! Enough! [ hands pot of gold to Sean ] Here, take the gold, pay off Mrs. Murphy! But you’d better start on a diet – nothing but shamrock salads for you, Mister!
Sen. Daniel P. Moynihan: “But Sean didn’t learn his lesson. He didn’t diet. He didn’t even slouch. Until one day, after tying McGuire’s shoelaces together, and knocking over his tea, and throwing the poor man’s scones out the window, Sean was trying to hide behind the dairy can, when a big wind came up, blowing over the can and flattening Sean beneath. Which only proved, that, even if you have all the gold in the world, and everyone tells you how big you are, in the end there are still things bigger than you. and under that big dairy can in Cary lies a big fat faerie. Big Sean.”
Lisa Loopner…..Gilda Radner Enid Loopner…..Jane Curtin Belinda…..Laraine Newman Artie…..Paul Shaffer Grant Robinson Jr…..Garrett Morris Todd DiLaMuca…..Bill Murray Shelly Fabish…..Harry Shearer
[ open on interior, Loopner living room, as Lisa arrives home from school ]
Lisa Loopner: Mom! Moooommm!! Mom, I’m home!
[ Mrs. Loopner enters from the kitchen, stil drying a dish ]
Mrs. Loopner: Ohhhhhh, Lisa! [ they sit on the couch ] How did Todd’s campaign rally go?
Lisa Loopner: Oh, it was AWFUL! I left in the middle. I wish I NEVER encouraged Todd to run for Student Body president, Mom. He has NO platform. It’s just a bunch of stupid slogans, like: “Vote For todd — He’s A God!”
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, dear… he is getting a swell head.
Lisa Loopner: And, Mom, his whole political machine is falling apart! And as his campaign manager, I feel responsible! It looks like that DUMB Shelly Fabish is just gonna win by a landslide tomorrow! [ she begins to cry ]
Mrs. Loopner: Ohhhh, now I don’t suppose a big batch of egg salad would change anything?
Lisa Loopner: NO, Mom!
Mrs. Loopner: I didn’t think so. Well, whatever happens, remember what Theresa Brewer says: Stand By Your Man!
Lisa Loopner: That was Tammy Wynette!
[ the doorbell rings ]
Mrs. Loopner: No, dear, it was Theresa Brewer. [ she answers the door to Belinda and Artie ] Hi, kids!
Belinda: Hi, Mrs. Loopner.
Artie: Hello, Mrs. Loopner!
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, make yourselves at home! I wish I could stay and chew the fat, but there’s a tuna corn niblet casserole in the oven that’s calling my name!
Belinda: Mmmm! Sounds good!
Lisa Loopner: Hello, Artie. Hello, Belinda. [ they sit next to her ] Where’s God?
Belinda: If you mean Todd… he’s onhis way over here with Grant.
Artie: Yeah, Grant’s just been apppointed Todd’s BODYGUARD! [ he blows a raspberry ]
Lisa Loopner: Why does Todd need a bodyguard?
Belinda: Aw, during a rally, someone tried to pull his pants down.
Lisa Loopner: Oh, no! The “mooning” incident. Don’t tell me they’re trying to bring that up again!
Belinda: Lisa, the day Todd through a moon in Study Hall, he blew his chances of becoming President. No ifs, ands, or BUTTS! [ she laughs ]
Lisa Loopner: Oh, that’s so funny I forgot to laugh! Well… besides… there’s no proof that it was Todd’s butt!
Belinda: Wro-ong! Shelly Fabish is on his way over with documented photos of the May ’78 mooning.
Artie: I have examined the photos very closely, and I must say: They made me extremely nauseous!
Belinda: Yeah, it wasn’t pretty.
Artie: Lisa, we think that you should ask Todd to concede.
Lisa Loopner: No way, Jose Schnackman! I refuse to be intimidated by smear tactics!
[ the doorbell rings ]
Lisa Loopner: That’s okay, Mom — I’ll get it!
[ Lisa opens the door to Grant Robinson, Jr. ]
Grant Robinson, Jr.: Hi! I’m Grant Robinson, Jr. I was bussed to your school from Harriet Tubman High.
Lisa Loopner: You don’t have to introduce yourself every time. We remember you Grant.
[ Grant looks around the room carefully, then finally opens the front door ]
Grant Robinson, Jr.: The Loopner living room is secure for entry.
[ Todd finally enters ]
Todd DiLaMuca: At ease, Grant. Hello, Lisa. How are you, darling? [ he shakes her hand ]
Lisa Loopner: Hello, Todd.
Todd DiLaMuca: Why, Artie! Belinda! Glad to have your support. Terrific. Terrific. You know I count on choice political flow plugs in the near future, I assure you.
Lisa Loopner: Yeah! When HECK freezes over!
Todd DiLaMuca: Did you see it?
Lisa Loopner: Yeah.
Grant Robinson, Jr.: Uh, anyway, I guarantee I can deliver the Black vote.
Todd DiLaMuca: Uh-huh. There! I have the Black vote sewn up!
Lisa Loopner: Yeah, big deal. Grant IS the Black vote! The ONLY Black vote!
Artie: Todd! Don’t you realize that Fabish is gonna CREAM you at the polls?
Todd DiLaMuca: What do you mean? I just came up with some good cmpaign slogans. How about these? [ he holds up a button ] “In Todd We Trust.” [ they groan ] “Vote For todd, He’s got A Great Bod.”
Lisa Loopner: It’s gonna take more than slogans to pull THIS one off the dumper!
[ Belinda cracks up; Artie joins in ]
Todd DiLaMuca: Very funny.
[ the doorbell rings ; Grant answers it to Shelly Fabish, and promptly pats him down ]
Shelly Fabish: Hello, people!
Nerds: Hel-lo, Shel-ly!
Todd DiLaMuca: You got your nerve coming here, Fabish!
Belinda: [ nervous ] Uh… I just remembered… I FORGOT something! Come on, Artie. Let’s go.
Artie: Yeah. Don’t forget what we TALKED about, Lisa!
Belinda: Yeah. [ to Todd ] Bye, Pizza Butt.
[ Belinda and Artie crack up as they exit ]
Shelly Fabish: I submit for your approval… Exhibit A: Blow-ups of the surface of the moon. [ he pulls out a packet of pictures ] Don’t miss the tell-tale craters.
Lisa Loopner: Uh — there’s NOTHING in these photos to prove that it’s Todd’s butt!
Shelly Fabish: Oh, yeah? Exhibit B: A Polaroid of today’s pantsing. [ he holds up a photo ] Compare and contrast!
Grant Robinson, Jr.: He’s got ya’.
Shelly Fabish: I’m warning you, DiLaMuca — unless you pull out, these photos are gonna be ALL over the front page of the school paper tomorrow morning. [ he grabs his photos ] I rest my case!
Lisa Loopner: Yeah! Rest on THIS! [ she makes a gesture as he exits ]
Grant Robinson, Jr.: I got an idea. I could say it was me.
Todd DiLaMuca: Uh, well, uh… I appreciate the gesture and the loyalty, Grant. But I don’t think anybody will ever buy it.
Grant Robinson, Jr.: Oh. Well… I gotta be going. It’s a loooooong bus ride home.
Lisa Loopner: Bye, Grant.
Todd DiLaMuca: Yeah. You’re released, Grant.
[ Grant exits ]
[ Todd and Lisa sit on the couch ]
Todd DiLaMuca: Isn’t that incident ever going to go away? Will it haunt me forever? It’s grossly unfair. Haven’t I suffered enough?
Lisa Loopner: Whatever you did, Todd… we can’t let that stinky little CREEP blackmail you!
Todd DiLaMuca: What can I do, Lisa? They caught me with my pants down.
Lisa Loopner: Well — why don’t we just call Shelly’s bluff? The school paper will NEVER print those photos. They’re too gross!
Todd DiLaMuca: I… yes… that’s very smart, Lisa. As a matter of fact, you know you’re right up there with LiZ Taylor and Jane Fonda? All the great political chicks. Evita. Incredible. You know, you’re the woman behind the man, and I… I want to return the favor. [ Lisa puckers up ] I want to bestow upon you some appreciative, well-deserved… BACK DOOR NOOGIES! [ he spreads Lisa across his laps and pounds his fist on her butt as she screams ] Right in the butt! How about a pelvic reversal here?
Lisa Loopner: Ow! Cut it out, Pizza Face! MOM! HELP!
[ Mrs. Loopner rushes in banging a garbage can lid ]
Mrs. Loopner: Yoo-hoo! Come and get it! Soup’s on! Casserole’s on the tray!
[ Lisa and Todd get up and retreat tot the kitchen for dinner ]
[ pull out on studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Hamlet Eats A Danish” ]
Air Date:
Summary: The spirits of Michael O’Donoghue and John Belushi are summoned during a psychic seance in honor of SNL’s 100th episode.
Summary: Bill Murray sings of the greatness of living in New York City.
Summary: The world’s biggest television system still retains its tiny viewing screen.
Summary: Sean the Leprechaun (Peter Aykroyd) is easily captured due to his large size.
Summary: Todd’s (Bill Murray) quest to become Student Body president may be ruined by a smear campaign, when his opponent (Harry Shearer) brings up a past mooning infraction.
Summary: Ralph Nader. Roseanne Roseannadanna (Gilda Radner).
Summary: Schanken the Minstrel (Bill Murray) irks his fellow musicians when he can’t master four drum beats in time to perform for the Queen (John Belushi).
Summary: Dirk Savage (Michael Palin) struggles to interview his guests while enduring a multitude of death threats during the show.
Summary: Sen. Daniel P. Moynihan promotes New York State Wines, even though the taste isn’t favored by Honker (Bill Murray) and a pair of discriminating bums (Garrett Morris, Peter Aykroyd).
Summary: David Susskind (Bill Murray) interviews ordinary people who have undergone extreme plastic surgery measures in order to look like their favorite celebrities.
