SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/17/80: Real Incredible People

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 5: Episode 19

79s: Steve Martin / 3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney

Real Incredible People

Chet Napes…..Steve Martin
Amelia Kane…..Gilda Radner
Bob Lylo…..Bill Murray
Buddy Bishop…..Harry Shearer
Marsha Craven…..Laraine Newman
…..Akira Yoshimura
Lucia Newell…..Jane Curtin
Willis Gaston…..Garrett Morris
Man in Audience #1…..Max Pross
Man in Audience #2…..Jim Downey
Woman in Audience…..Jean Doumanian
Man in Audience #3…..Tom Gammill

[ open on shot of audience members in the studio balcony ]

Announcer: And now, it’s time for “Real Incredible People”! [ title card zooms in ] The show that believes that real people are incredible!

[ dissolve to stage ]

Announcer: And now, here’s our “Real Incredible People” people: Chet Napes! [ Chet runs on stage ] Amelia Kane! [ Amelia runs on stage ] Bob Lylo! [ Bob runs through the audience to stage ] Buddy Bishop! [ Buddy runs on stage ] Marsha Craven! [ Marsha runs on stage ]

Chet Napes: Tonight on “Real Incredible People”, we’ll visit a man who has never opened his mail!

[ wipe to image of man seated on couch surrounded by unopened mail ]

Amelia Kane: Then, we’ll look at a woman who had the shape of her nose surgically altered!

[ wipe to image of woman facing sideways with a mismatched nose ]

Bob Lylo: And we’ll show you a man who gets around in what he calls… an electric wheelchair!

[ wipe to image of old man sitting peacefully in an electric wheelchair ]

Buddy Bishop: Then, we’ll be visiting a woman who owns… FOURTEEN DOGS!

[ wipe to image of woman with fourteen dogs on leashes ]

Marsha Craven: And we’ll be talking to a man who likes to dress up like a woman and have sex with other men!

[ wipe to image of man dressed as woman ]

Chet Napes: BUt before we meet those REAL INCREDIBLE people, our first incredible guest is a man who really knows the meaning of… Stick-to-it-ivness!

Buddy Bishop: That’s right, Chet! He’s a man who talks softly… and carries TWO sticks!

Amelia Kane: But… they aren’t big!

Marsha Craven: He uses them to eat… RAW FISH!

Bob Lylo: Did you say raw fish, Marsha?

Marsha Craven: That’s right! But don’t take my word for it!

[ Oriental music plays, as we dissolve to Akira Yoshimura eating sushi ]

Marsha Craven V/O: Akira Yoshimura eats fish using two sticks made from a tree. The fish isn’t even cooked! It’s RAW!! [ the panel groans and oohs ] Even though Mr. Yoshimura can use a knife and a fork, he says he prefers eating with the two small sticks!

Buddy Bishop: That is hard to believe! Gosh, Marsha, when you were doing the story, did you eat any of the raw fish with the two sticks?

Marsha Craven: Well… I got as far as picking up the fish with the two sticks, but I didn’t eat any!

[ the panel laughs ]

Chet Napes: He was a REAL incredible person, Marsha, but perhaps not as incredible as our next REAL INCREDIBLE PERSON!

Amelia Kane: She does something EVERY NIGHT!

Buddy Bishop: In bed!

Bob Lylo: Before she goes to sleep.

Marsha Craven: Something in bed every night… before she goes to sleep!

Buddy Bishop: Have we made you think it’s sex? [ he chuckles heartily ] Well, it isn’t!

[ the panel laughs ]

Amelia Kane: No! But this woman actually READS every night before she goes to sleep!

[ dissolve to Lucia Newell happily reading in bed ]

Amelia Kane V/O: EVERY Night, for the last eight years — and EVERY night except one, for the past fifteen years — Lucia Newell has read at least one chapter of a book, or an ENTIRE magazine, before going to sleep! [ the panel is impressed ] Excuse me! Ms. Newell! What book is that you’re reading?

Lucia Newell: Uh — it’s called “Lord of the Rings”, by J.R.R. Tolkien!

Amelia Kane: And… what’s it about?

Lucia Newell: Oh! It’s about little furry people who live in the Middle Earth, and who have magic jewels and battles with forces of evil.

Amelia Kane: Wow-ow-ow!! That’s REALLY incredible!! And… what was that book you told me about when I called you?

Lucia Newell: [ thinking ] Oh! “Tale of Two Cities”! It’s about two men during the French Revolution. One lives in London, and one lives in France — and they look EXACTLY alike, and they switch identities!


Chet Napes: Did you say they look exactly alike?

Lucia Newell: Yeah! And one gives his life for the other!

Amelia Kane: INCREDIBLE!!

Buddy Bishop: And this was the French Revolution, you say?

Lucia Newell: Yeah! There was a Revolution in France in 1789… when the feudal system was overthrown by the French people.

Bob Lylo: Wait! Overthrown? Completely overthrown?!

Lucia Newell: Yeah!


Marsha Craven: And, hey — have you been to Paris?

Lucia Newell: Yes.

Chet Napes: THAT’S INCREDIBLE!!! [ he stomps his feet ]

Amelia Kane: Well, we’d love to have you back on the show again! Would you have more books to tell us about?

Lucia Newell: Certainly!

Chet Napes: It’s always great to hear a story!

[ the audience applauds Lucia’s feat ]

Marsha Craven: These stories are incredible, Chet! But you won’t believe your eyes when you meet our next guest!

Bob Lylo: That’s right, Marsha. We have in the studio, a guest whose skin is very dark-brown!

Marsha Craven: Was he in a fire?

Bob Lylo: Let’s just bring him out! Please welcome Willis Gaston!

[ Willis Gaston, a black man, walks past the audience and takes a seat on stage between the hosts ]

Bob Lylo: Well! Mr. Gaston! How do you do it?

Willis Gaston: I don’t do anything, man! That’s just the way I am!

Bob Lylo: Well, it’s INCREDIBLE!! Yeah! Show them your palm! Look at this!

[ Gaston raises his hands to reveal their stunning blackness ]

Marsha Craven: Wow! Mr. Gaston, do people pay more attention to you because your skin is so dark?

Willis Gaston: Well, it depends where I am! If I’m out around a lot of black folk, it doesn’t make any difference!

Amelia Kane: You mean, there are people with black skin?

Willis Gaston: Yeahhhh…


Marsha Craven: Wow! Maybe next time, we can have one of those BLACK persons on the show!

Willis Gaston: That WOULD be incredible!

[ the audience applauds his feat ]

Bob Lylo: Well, you know — every week, we meet LOTS of REAL INCREDIBLE PEOPLE! And one thing that we’ve found is that some of the MOST incredible people… are the REAL PEOPLE in our studio audience! So let’s meet some of the really incredible people who are here today!

[ cut to Chet standing next to a man in the audience ]

Chet Napes: What’s incredible about you?

Man in Audience #1: I flew up to the top of Pike’s Peak!

Chet Napes: Wow!! That’s INCREDIBLE!!

[ cut to Buddy standing over a second man in the audience ]

Buddy Bishop: Hi! What’s incredible about you?

Man in Audience #2: Remember those Pet Rocks a couple years ago?

Buddy Bishop: Sure!

Man in Audience #2: I BOUGHT one!

Buddy Bishop: That’s incredible!

[ cut to Marsha standing with a woman from the audience ]

Marsha Craven: Hey! What’s incredible about you?

Woman in Audience: I saw Debbie Reynolds in the supermarket!

Marsha Craven: That’s incredible!

[ cut to Bob standing next to the second man in the audience again ]

Bob Lylo: Hey, what’s incredible about you?

Man in Audience #2: My sister used to be a nun, but now she’s NOT any more!

Bob Lylo: That’s incredible!! Aren’t you the guy with the Pet Rock?

Man in Audience #2: Yes!


[ cut to GR standing next to third man from the audience ]

Amelia Kane: Hey! What’s incredible about you?

Man in Audience #3: What’s incredible about ME… is that I’m on “REAL INCREDIBLE PEOPLE”!!

[ cut to audience clapping, as title card zooms in ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/17/80: Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 19

79s: Steve Martin / 3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

[ Jane reaches over to nudge Bill awake ]

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: A spokesman for former President Gerald R. Ford says it is highliy unlikely that Ford will be Ronald Reagan’s running mate in November. The idea of a Reagan-Ford ticket was originally proposed by SEcret Service, who thought it would definitely discourage any possible assassination attempts.

In his first mission as Secretary of State, Edmund Muskie met with Soviet Minister Gromyko in Vienna. After the meeting, Muskie announced that in future conferences, he would use interpretators. “The meeting should go a lot faster,” said Muskie, “and hopefully I’ll get more out of them.”

Last Monday, Picasso’s Acrobat With Arms Crossed was auctioned off for $3 million, setting a world’s record for a modern art sale. However, the record was broken the next day, when this Van Gogh Le Jardin du Puits Arles went for $5.2 million, setting a new record. But records are made to be broken, and yesterday in Paris, one of the great living artists, Marc Chagall, was himself sold at auction for a whopping $43 million. The buyer, Mr. Glen Lamont of Clearwater, Florida said, “If Chagall has two or three more paintings in him, I’ll break even.”


Bill Murray: Findings were released tonight by the Food and Drug Administration that show a link between the common cold and use of Kleenex. Apparently, most people are allergic to a fiber used in the paper tissues, and sneeze when they come in contact with it. The FDA advises that, for the time being, you should use your shirt sleeve, until the summer when you can use your forearm.

The Environmental Protection Agency announced that residents of the Love Canal area in Niagara Falls may have altered chromosomes from the toxic chemicals buried there. A spokesman for the Hooker Chemicals and Plastics Corporation, which has dumped waste into the site for years, calmed local residents by explaining that at least future generations will have someone to make fun of.

And Pope John Paul II ordained as a Bishop, Stymie Beard of the old “Our Gang” comics, last week. Stymie becomes the only member of the Little Rascals to get as high as Bishop in the Catholic Church.


Jane Curtin: At Baltimore’s Pimlico Racetrack today, California’s Codex beat favorite Genuine Risk in the 105th running of the Preakness. Running out on the money was a horse owned by TV’s “Quincy”, Jack Klugman, who, immediately after the race, performed an autopsy on his horse to determine why it lost. If he’s not satisfied with the results, Klugman will perform a similar post-mortom on his jockey, Daryl McHarve.

Ayatollah Khomeini went down to his local 7-11 and donated $50 to Jerry’s Kids this week, starting a drive the comedian hopes will raise over $30 million. There’s a rumor that Jerry Lewis is arranging to reunite Khomeini and his old political foe, The Shah, during next September’s telethon.

And in a related story, a new hostage rescue attempt was made by a bus this morning, but failed when the bus crashed into a building in downtown Tehran. The bus was reportedly based on the Navy vehicle carrier, The U.S.S. James Hoffa, anchored in the Persian Gulf.


Bill Murray: Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute was miniaturized to the size of a thimble and dropped into the Atlantic Ocean today. Parents of Rensselaer students are advised to check the tide charts in your local area.

And with recent polls indicating the possibility of a strong showing by John Anderson this Fall, experts now predict the election could be decided by the House of Representatives. As the Constitution states, if the House can’t come up with a majority vote, then the Speaker of the House becomes the next President. That man would be Thomas P. “Tip” O’Neill, seen here performing his hilarious “Beat Me, HUrt Me” burlesque act at Gonzaga University.

And the State DEpartment has issued the following warnings to Cubans making the arduous trip from Cuba to Florida: “Do not overdo the sun on the first day; Do not go swimming for at least a half an hour after eating; and No horseplay on the deck, please, somebody could get an eye poked out.”


Jane Curtin: As you know, we were scheduled to have Paul McCartney open tonight’s show, but we ran into some technical problems. But we are now switching back to London, where Father Guido Sarducci is standing by with Paul McCartney and a videotape of his new song. [ to the monitor ] Come in, Father Sarducci!

[ Father Guido Sarducci appears via satellite on the monitor ]

Father Guido Sarducci: Jane, it’s-a getting LIGHT here! The sun is-a coming up! It’s only a little bit-a after twelve o’clock in-a New York, but over here in-a London, England, it’s after FIVE in the morning.

Jane Curtin: Father…

Father Guido Sarducci: Can you believe it?

Jane Curtin: [ laughing ] Where’s Paul?

Father Guido Sarducci: [ taking a drag on his cigarette ] That-a guy, you know, he-a sleeps like a log! I think I must have thrown-a like-a two dollars worth of these-a coins — pences, they call them. [ mockingly ] Pences!

Jane Curtin: Father, I don’t know if you’re aware of it, but this hook-up cost a lot of money, and if Paul McCartney isn’t there to introduce his song like you promised, it’s going to come out of your check! [ she cackles with glee ]

Father Guido Sarducci: You know-a what-a I think the problem is? I think-a, maybe, since-a all of these people are down here, that he thinks-a it’s a BUST! Could be. Really. But… I think I know how to get him out. I’m-a gonna SING for him! I’m-a gonna sing a medley… of-a Beatles tunes. I’m-a gonna serenade him out of that place! That’s-a my plan! I got a what-a you call a speaker here… [ he raises a bullhorn ] A loud-a speaker. [ he positions himself in front of McCartney’s window and loudly sings “Revolution #9” into the bullhorn ] “We don’t-a want a revolution, nooooo! / We all-a want-a to CHANGE the world! / But if you go-a talking about-a destruction / Don’t-a you know that you can-a count me…” [ he switches to “Yellow Submarine” ] “In the town where I was born / Lived a man who sailed… that sea. / And he tells me…” [ he switches to “Hey Jude” ] “Hey, Jude-a!” [ he switches to “Do You Want To Know A Secret” ] “Do you want to know a secret? Ohhhhhh. / Do you promise not to tell?” [ he switches to “Elenour Rigby” ] “Elenour-a Rigby…” [ he switches to “Getting Better” ] “…used to be mad at my school / The teachers that taught me weren’t…” [ he switches to “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” ] “Desmond.” [ he switches to “I Am The Walrus” ] I am-a you, and-a you are me…” [ he switches to “Yellow Submarine” ] “…and-a we are all-a together in a yellow submarine.” [ he switches to “Day in the Life” ] “Well, I just had to laugh!” [ he switches to “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds” ] “I saw Lucy in the sky with…” [ hjhe switches to “Michelle” ] “Michelle, ma belle…” [ he switches to “The Fool On The Hill” ] “The fool on the hill…” [ he switches to “Elenour Rigby” ] “Sweeping the rice from the church where her wedding has been.” [ he switches to “A Hard Day’s Night” ] “A hard day’s night.” [ he switches to “I Want to Hold Your Hand” ] “And suddenly, I want to hold your…” [ he switches to “Help” ] “Help!” [ he switches to “I Want to Hold Your Hand” ] “I want to hold-a your…” [ he switches to “Help” ] “I need-a somebody!” [ he switches to “I Want to Hold Your Hand” ] “I want to hold… your… handle!”

[ thunderous applause from the audience ]

Jane Curtin: Excuse me, Father. I don’t think that worked, Father, I don’t see any lights going on.

Father Guido Sarducci: Well… I think-a maybe I should-a do it again. You know, maybe another time might work. Or maybe — you know, I know what-a I could do. I’ll sing-a some-a medley of-a Wings tunes. That’s, you know, his-a latest group. Maybe that’ll do it.

Jane Curtin: Yeah, Father — you keep trying, we’ll get back to you later.

Father Guido Sarducci: Okay.

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[ Father Guido Sarducci continues trying to serenade McCartney down ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Bob Newhart: 05/10/80: Bob Newhart’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 18

79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

Bob Newhart’s Monologue

…..Bob Newhart

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Bob Newhart!

Bob Newhart: Thank you! Thank you!

Now… have many of you saw — a couple of weeks ago, there was an encore and Broderick Crawford was the host of “Saturday Night Live”. Did you… see that? [ the audience applauds ] And… Broderick had one of the great shows — “Highway Patrol” — in the early days of television. But… I think people tend to romanticize early television. It was not all that great. There were a lot of programs on that were not… First of all, they would put anything on… because people would watch anything that was put in front of, you know, on the television set. Prticularly, one show — they used to have travelogue shows, and they weren’t… quite as slick as they are today. What they used to do was get a professor from some university, who was on a sabbatical — in Peru or somewhere — and, uh, he’d take his 8mm Browning and shoot a lot of footage, and, uh… and then they would build a show around him, and he was not a trained television personality. The show would start off with a very saccharine announcer, who came out. This program was called “Strange Peoples, Strange Lands.” It’s kind of an insult to them, I suppose, but that’s what it was called. And, uh… he came out, and he said this:

“Uh, ladies and gentlemen… welcome, once again, to “Strange Peoples, Strange Lands.” Our guest in the studio is Dr. Nicholls Ross. Dr. Ross has recently returned from a trip to Peru. He has brought back some very exciting film with him, which he calls “The Seven Lost Cities of the Incans.” Dr. Ross.”

[ Newhart steps back and assumes the character of Dr. Ross, struggling to locate the mark on the ground where he’s supposed to stand ]

[ high-pitched ] “Well, thank you — thank you — thank you very much. This, uh… this was indeed a very exciting trip that we made… [ he coughs ] to the Seven Lost Cities of the Incans. [ pointing ] As you can see, uh, here in the film now, we’re driving into the modern city of San Sebastipol… [ he coughs ] a modern city cut out of the heart of the Peruvian jungle. And you see, uh — you see us loading up our boats… and the couple up there on the dock, interestingly enough, is the, uh, American consulate and his very charming wife, uh, Gloria. They, uh… they had thrown… they had thrown a farewell party for us the night before, at the, uh, American Consulate. The, uh, the woman you see directly to the left of the, uh, the American consulate and his very charming wife Gloria… is my wife Margo. She had, uh… she had hoped to, uh, take the trip with us — uh, however, she, uh, she came down with a sudden attack of dysentary and… [ he coughs ] this, uh, this made it impossible for her to go. [ he pauses ] Uh — on our… on our trip. [ he coughs ]

Well, here — [ he points ] Here, you… here, you see us some two days later once again, being towed off a sandbar in the harbor of San Sebastipol. We’re still a little… a little hungover from the… from the farewell… farewell party thrown by the American… American consulate and his very charming… [ he coughs ] charming wife Gloria.

Here, you see us some two days later, once again loading up the boats in the, uh, in the harbor of San Sebastipol… and a couple I’m sure you all recognize by now — the American consulate… and Gloria. Just, uh, just get a glimpse here of my wife trying… trying to make it back to the house. [ he coughs ] We only had, uh… we only had three, uh… three weeks in which to cover the Seven Lost Cities of the Incans, and we’d already… we already blown a week in the harbor of San Sebastipol.

[ pointing ] So here you see us finally under way and arriving late that afternoon at the first city of the Seven Lost Cities of the Incans. The… then atives here were quite superstitious, and it so happened that our arrival, uh, coincided with a total eclipse of the sun. And the, uh… the natives began to beg us to please return the… big red ball to their sky. [ he smiles ] Which, uh, which we did, of course! Just… it just shows you there are lighter moments in… in even a trip as serious as ours.

[ pointing ] Here you see us arriving at the second of the Seven Lost Cities of the Incans. They had a rather unusual custom in this particular village, of… of providing each male visitor with what, uh, what you might call a sort of, I guess, bride, for his stay there. [ he laughs ] We, uh… we tried to explain to them this was not… this was NOT a custom in our country, uh… However, an adage we learned throuh many years of travel… “When, uh, when in Rome, do as the… do as the Romans do.”

We, uh… we spent a total of two-and-a-half weeks in this village… [ he appears guilty ] Which only… which only left us one day in which to cover the other five Lost Cities of the Incans. Thank you… thank you very much.”

[ the audience applauds wildly, as Newhart smiles ]

Thank you very much! We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/24/80

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 20

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

May 24th, 1980

Buck Henry

Andrew Gold

Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity


Liz Welch

Lee Mayman

Robin Shlien

Don Pardo

Matt Neuman

Walter Williams

Yvonne Hudson

Anne Beatts

Sarah Paley

Alan Zweibel

Richard Belzer

Andy Murphy

Akira Yoshimura
ABC NewsSummary: An eager Frank Reynolds (Harry Shearer) makes an advance announcement that Ronald Reagan and President Jimmy Carter will secure their parties’ nominations for this year’s presidential election.

Recurring Characters: Frank Reynolds, George Bush, Ted Kennedy.



Buck Henry’s MonologueSummary: Buck Henry introduces the soon-to-be-famous members of “SNL”‘s sixth season.


Lord & Lady DouchebagSummary: Lord (Buck Henry) and Lady Douchebag (Gilda Radner) are among the distinguished guests at a noble gathering at Salisbury Manor.


Cow Minder’s DaughterSummary: Cow minder’s (Buck Henry) daughter Govinda Lynn (Laraine Newman) leaves the family cow pasture to become a famous country-Indian singer in the Far East.

Andrew Gold performs “Kiss This One Goodbye”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Jack Perkins (Harry Shearer) reports on the wide-eyed Walter Keane art exhibit that’s sweeping the nation. Chico Escuela (Garrett Morris). Roseanne Roseannadanna (Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Chico Escuela, Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Uncle RoySummary: While babysitting, Uncle Roy (Buck Henry) plays Glass-Bottom Boat with Terri (Laraine Newman) andTracy (Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Uncle Roy, Terri, Tracy.


Trader Nick’sSummary: Nick “Lava” (Bill Murray) runs a Hawaiian-themed bar outside of Niagara Falls and sings to a displaced couple (Buck Henry, Laraine Newman) from Love Canal and a rowdy group of teenagers celebrating their prom.

Recurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer, Iris de Flaminio.


Week in ReviewSummary: Hugh Gaffney (Buck Henry) of the New York Times is annoyed when he finds himself participating alongside a panel of tabloid journalists.


Mommy BeerSummary:

Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity perform “Can’t Nobody Do Me Like Jesus”


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bob Newhart: 05/10/80: The Mr. Bill Show

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 18

79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

The Mr. Bill Show

(Scene opens at a newspaper stand. A newsdealer grabs a stack of papers and shows us the latest headline)

Newsdealer: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Mr. Bill gets twenty years in Sing Sing

(Cut to Sing Sing prison where Mr. Bill and Spot are in a jail cell. Mr. Bill is lying on his bed playing harmonica while Spot is howling.)

Guard: Awww cut that racket out Mr. Bill! You got a visitor. Come along. (Opens Mr. Bill’s cell.)

Mr. Bill: A visitor? Really? Now who could that be? (sees Miss Sally with a cake in the visitor room.) Miss Sally!

Miss Sally: Oh hi Mr. Bill. I brought something to cheer you up.

Mr. Bill: Oh boy! You know, I wasn’t sure you would come. Listen Miss Sally, I want you to know that I didn’t rob that bank. I was framed.

(Spot barks)

Miss Sally: I know you didn’t, Mr. Bill.

Mr. Bill: You do? Oh boy, that’s great. Listen, I’m going to work hard and be a model prisoner and I’ll be out of here in no time. I swear Miss Sally.

Miss Sally: Oh I know. The warden seems really nice and he says you’ll be out really soon if I’m nice to him.

Mr. Bill: (Sees it’s a picture of Warden Sluggo) Oh no! You stay away from him. He’s up to no good.

Miss Sally: (Holds Mr. Bill’s hand) Oh, don’t worry Mr. Bill. I wait for you no matter how long it takes.

Mr. Bill: Gee, oh boy yay! (goes back to his cell) She touched me, hey! And she’s going to wait for me too.

Guard: (Locking Mr. Bill back up) Yeah that’s what they all say. I wouldn’t count on it.

Mr. Bill: Oh no. I know Miss Sally. She’ll wait. Gee, I can’t wait to get started. Maybe I can get a job in the laundry room.

(Spot barks. Mr. Hands arrives and sticks his hand through the window)

Mr. Hands: Psst, Mr. Bill? It’s me Mr. Hands remember? Listen I heard about the bad news. But don’t worry, I’ll have you out of here in no time.

Mr. Bill: Oh no, I’m staying. Listen, if I’m good, I figure I’ll be up for parole in ten years maybe.

Mr. Hands: Nah, Miss Sally won’t wait that long. (Shows Mr. Bill a picture of Miss Sally with Warden Sluggo) Look she’s already cheating on you.

Mr. Bill: Oh no! Miss Sally! How could she?

Mr. Hands: Say, maybe we can shoot the lock off. (Shows Mr. Bill a cake with the words “Look inside” written on it)

Mr. Bill: But I don’t have a gun.

Mr. Hands: Here I brought one.

Mr. Bill: Where?

Mr. Hands: Here (pulls a gun out of the cake)

Mr. Bill: Wait a second Mr. Hands, You be careful with that. Don’t point it at me.

Mr. Hands: Don’t worry, don’t worry. Here cock the hammer for me (positions the gun where the hammer is in Mr. Bill’s hand)

Mr. Bill: Oh, But it already is.

Mr. Hands: Okay! (Shoots the gun and the hammer pierces Mr. Bill’s hand. The bullet ricochets off the lock and goes through Spot)

Mr. Bill: No wait, Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: (Showing an escape with an X where Spot is.) See I brought this escape map. Maybe we can tunnel our way out.

Mr. Bill: Oh no, you just want to be mean. Now get out of here and leave us alone. Okay?

Mr. Hands: (With an axe) Gee I hope I hit the right Spot! (Hammers Spot where the X is. Water comes pouring out and starts flooding the room)

Mr. Bill: I can’t swim!

Mr. Hands: I better get you out of here before you drown.

Mr. Bill: No wait, Hurry up! Hurry up! Hurry up!

Mr. Hands: Say, maybe I can yank the bars out. (Ties some rope to the window bars and puts some on Mr. Bill)

Mr. Bill: No wait! You dropped that rope on me! (Mr Hands drives his car with the rope attached and pulls Mr. Bill in between the bars) Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Ooh you’re stuck! Gee, maybe this will loosen the bars (places some dynamite in the bars)

Mr. Bill: No wait that’s dynamite! Don’t wait stop! (Mr. Hands detonates the dynamite, exploding Mr. Bill who is sent into the prison yard and the sirens start blaring) Ohhhhhhh! Oh no! Leave me alone!

Mr. Hands: Uh oh! They see you! And the warden says he has you covered. So you better stand up and reach for the sky.

Mr. Bill: (Still stuck in the bars) But I can’t, I’m stuck. So don’t shoot okay? (The guards start shooting) Oh no! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! They got me! Ohhhh! (the words “The End” are shot into Mr. Bill)

Mr. Hands: Bye Bye!

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Burt Reynolds: 05/24/80: ABC News

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 20

79t: Buck Henry / Andrew Gold, Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity

ABC News

Frank Reynolds…..Harry Shearer
George Bush…..Jim Downey
Ted Kennedy…..Bill Murray
Oliver Selenko…..Paul Shaffer



ABC News Anchor FRANK REYNOLDS is seated, facing the camera.


Frank Reynolds: Good Evening. Last September, when the 1980 Presidential Election was only a year and a half away, we began covering the campaign. Tonight, two months before the conventions start, are projections have given the Republican nomination to Ronald Reagan and the Democratic nomination to Jimmy Carter. Hopefully, by Labor Day, we shall be able to project the actual election winner… And we can all spend September and October concentrating on football.



Frank Reynolds: So now this long primary campaign, this string of Tuesday nights, this raid of bar graphs and exit polls, the sleazy morning after in hotel bars – it all comes to an end. And like everything else in this election season, we at ABC News are bringing it to you two months early. Surely, the clearest sign that Carter and Reagan have clear sailing ahead came this week with the holding of a unique political forum.


Frank Reynolds: A consolation debate between Teddy Kennedy and George Bush, which will help to decide who comes in third place when Campaign ’80 closes the record books. This first ever confrontation between non-frontrunners, sponsored by The League of Voters Who Dress Like Women, was held earlier today. Here are some highlights of that consolation debate. First, George Bush…


GEORGE BUSH stands at a podium.

George Bush: I see America moving ahead in this decade.


George Bush: I see problems… sure. But if we didn’t have problems, there would be no need for solutions. I welcome the opportunity to debate Senator Kennedy. Sure, nobody will really win. Sure, it won’t count at the convention. Sure, it’s meaningless in November… but that’s the excitement of it. The sense that you’re doing something, just because you want to do it. And because, you want, you have nothing else to do.


Frank Reynolds: The candidates disagreed on Iran; Bush saying the President was too indecisive while Mr. Kennedy felt he wasn’t decisive enough. And then Mr. Kennedy made a final statement.


TED KENNEDY stands at a podium.

Ted Kennedy: I want to speak! To all the people out there who never won anything — except perhaps, the New York primary? All the people who enter sweepstakes…


Ted Kennedy: Who send in coupons from their Sunday paper? The little people of this country, who don’t even feel they have a chance to win. Even though their being told by the President and the media and others that they may have already won. I want those people to feel for once in their lives that someone is achieving something on their behalf. I want to win this debate and use this victory as a platform to try to give new meaning to the word “third place finish”. To make that a position of power, a position of importance, to do things for people like me — the people tonight who are not being notified by mail that they are winners.


Reynolds shakes his head.

Frank Reynolds: Quite moving when you stop to think about it. With us in our Washington studios tonight to help evaluate the campaign is our Director of Polling — Oliver Selenko.

Reynolds turns his chair to a monitor displaying OLIVER SELENKO, who’s standing beside a chalkboard labeled VOTING SUB-GROUPS 1976 and a circle below it.

Frank Reynolds: Ollie, based on what we know now, and what we don’t yet know — how does a Reagan-Carter race stack up in November?

Oliver Selenko: Well Frank, to understand an election, you have to understand the groups who are voting. Different groups of people vote in different ways and some don’t vote at all.

The SCREEN fills up with Oliver’s story.

Oliver Selenko: Statistically, this concept is often illustrated with the pie chart.


Oliver Selenko: In which, the different influence of sub-groups can be shown. Let’s take, for example, the blacks, who voted for Carter in 1976. But now, not as likely to vote, they may account for only six percent of the voting margin — a very small slice of the overall pie.

Oliver smears a piece of pie into the circle.

Oliver Selenko: Now, on the other hand, take the middle-class Protestants. Not only are they numerically a large group-

Frank Reynolds (V/O): Now, you’re talking about raw numbers now? Right, Ollie?

Oliver Selenko: Naturally. But they also turn out in larger percentages. And that makes them more significant in the election pie.

Oliver smears a larger piece of pie into the circle.

Frank Reynolds: Ollie, with the ERA and all, women will be a significant factor in this Presidential race. Could you break them out as a separate group?

Oliver Selenko: No problem there, Frank. Women are the most significantly statistic group in the entire voting population, and I think our chart makes that abundantly clear.

Oliver smears a massive piece of pie into the circle.

Frank Reynolds: Well, Ollie, I know pollsters are a careful breed. Have you seen anything in your crystal ball on how these groups will actually vote in November?

Oliver Selenko: No, not much crystal ball work yet, Frank.

Oliver has pieces of pie which have ruined his suit and he tries to flick them off.

Frank Reynolds: Well, plenty of time of it for the months ahead. And so, in midpoint of the ’80 vote, to all those faces and voices we shall see no more, to Lyndon LaRouche, and Bob Dole, and Jerry Brown, and Phil Gramm, we…

Reynolds is handed a piece of paper.

Frank Reynolds: This just handed to me. “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bob Newhart: 05/10/80: Restaurant

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 18

79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn


Stan…..Bob Newhart
Nadine…..Jane Curtin
Waiter…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[ open in romantic restaurant, as violinist plays for diners and crosses past Stan and Nadine’s table ]

Stan: [ taking Nadine’s hand ] Nadine… I know we’ve only known each other for a couple of weeks, but I feel like… we’ve known each other forever.

Nadine: I know, Stan! It seems more like ten years instead of just ten days.

Stan: Nadine, I know this may seem crazy, but… well, i’ve ben thinking about it for quite a few days now, and… if I were to ask you to marry me… do you think you might say Yes?

Nadine: [ she laughs ] I can’t believe this!

Stan: Does that mean Yes?

Nadine: [ nervously ] Well, don’t you think we’re rushing it a little? I mean, people are gonna think we’re crazy!

Stan: Well, who cares what people think? I mean, I know that these last ten days have been the happiest days of my life.

Nadine: Well… I — I —

[ the Waiter stumbles in with their food ]

Waiter: A salad for the lady…

Nadine: Thank you.

Waiter: The lamb chops for the gentleman… asparagus… [ he tries to place all this food on the tiny table ] Excuse me… Would you like some sour cream with the…?

Stan: No! No! We’re fine, we’re fine. [ the Waiter leaves ] Are you sure you don’t… you don’t want anything more? You must get very tired of, you know, eating salads!

Nadine: Oh, no, no! It’s plenty! With the salad dressing, it makes it very filling!

Stan: What about Saturday?

Nadine: What about Saturday?

Stan: Getting married. How about next Saturday?

Nadine: Well… I thought you’d at least give me a couple of weeks’ warning?

Stan: Hey — I mean, if we’re gonna do it, let’s do it! I mean, is there something the matter, honey?

Nadine: Well… there’s something I have to tell you. And I’m afraid that after I tell you, you won’t want to marry me.

Stan: Honey, there is nothing you could tell me that would make me not want to make me marry you.

Nadine: This is different. Uh — it’s something I think I should have told you a long time ago. I used to be a lot different than I am now.

Stan: Don’t worry about it! I’ve been around a little myself. I mean, I know I’m not getting Kristy MacNichol, you know!

[ they laugh ]

Nadine: No, no — it’s not like that. I-I… I don’t know know how to tell you… [ a beat ] I used to weigh 260 pounds. [ she pulls a picture out of her purse ] This is me. [ she hands him the picture ] Well?

Stan: [ looking at the picture ] Well… it looks like it was taken on a nice day.

Nadine: I think I’m gonna go to the ladies room. Excuse me.

Stan: [ stopping her ] Sweetheart… sweetheart, please. I mean, do you think something like this would make me NOT want to marry you? I mean, that this would make me somehow stop loving you?

Nadine: I… I just thought that once you saw that…

Stan: Nadine, you shouldn’t rush to thoughts like that. I mean… my mother is even a little… a little fat. I mean, nothing like this. But… a little!

Nadine: [ grabbing a large roll ] I didn’t think it would make any difference… but, you know, I wasn’t sure! [ she laughs as she eats the roll with a large slab of butter ]

Stan: How, uh — how, how many years ago was this taken?

Nadine: [ chewing ] Oh! That was taken about four months ago. It was right before I had my jaw wired shut. [ pointing to his food ] Would you give me a piece of that? Just a teeny, tiny… [ he grabs a small piece ] No, no — here. [ she grabs a larger piece and chews a huge mouthful ] I didn’t have any solid food for about three months… [ she swallows ] That’s how I thinned down. It worked a LOT better than when I had my intestines tied off. No. It worked okay… but as soon as I got untied, I gained the weight right back! You know?

Waiter [ returning ] Is everything satisfactory?

Stan: [ annoyed ] Yes, yes! Fine, fine. Thank you.

Nadine: Can we have a dessert menu?

[ the Waiter nods and exits ]

Stan: Listen, uh… Nadine, about Saturday? You know, maybe you’re… maybe you’re right about, you know, about giving ourselves a little more time! [ he chuckles nervously ] I mean, you know, we’ve got the rest of our lives, right? What’s… [ she grabs a large piece of food and stuffs it into her mouth ] What’s… what’s the rush, right?

[ the violinist steps closer, but Stan shoos him away ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Lord Douchebag

Lord Douchebag

Noblewoman…..Laraine Newman
Nobleman…..Peter Aykroyd
Butler…..Garrett Morris
Lord Worchestershire…..Jim Downey
Lord Salisbury…..Harry Shearer
Lord Wilkinson…..Tom Davis
Lady Wilkinson…..Jane Curtin
Earl of Sandwich…..Bill Murray
Servant…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Lord Douchebag…..Buck Henry
Lady Douchebag…..Gilda Radner


Noblewoman: What a splendid party! I do believe everyone of anyimportance in England is here tonight.

Nobleman: Who would miss a party given by Lord Salisbury?

Butler: [ waiting at the door for guests to arrive ] Lord and Lady Wilkinson!

Lord Worcestershire: A marvelous entertainment, Salisbury! These chopped steaks are terrific, especially with this delicious mushroom sauce.

Lord Salisbury: Thank you, Coming from you, Worcestershire, that certainly is a compliment. [ turns to his guests ] Lord and Lady Wilkinson, welcome!

Lord Worcestershire: Tell me, Wilkinson, what the deuce is the purpose of two swords?

Lord Wilkinson: It’s simple, really. Let’s say you’re an anattacker. My first blade straightens you upright, while the second clips you neatly at the ankles.

Lady Wilkinson: And there’s Lady Wilkinson, for attacking youropponent’s underarms and legs!

Butler: The Earl of Sandwich!

Nobleman: Tell me, have you seen Lord Cardigan?

Noblewoman: I understand he was turned away at the door..

Nobleman: Lord Cardigan? Why in heaven’s name?

Noblewoman: He wasn’t properly attired. Evidently, he came in asweater.

Nobleman: Odd. I saw Lord Ascot, and he got in..

Butler: The Duke and Duchess of Argyll!

Lord Worcestershire: You know, Sandwich.. were the Sandwich Islands named after you?

Earl of Sandwich: Oh, no. Everyone asks me that, but I’m afraidnothing has ever been named after a member of my family.

Servant: Excuse me, your Lordship, but would you care for one of Lord Salisbury’s steaks?

Earl of Sandwich: Yes, I would. Would you bring it to me with a couple slices of pumpernickel, please?

Servant: Yes. [ steps away ]

Butler: Lord and Lady Doucebag!

Lord Salisbury: Well, well, well.. I was just asking Lord Sandwich, “Where the devil are those Douchebags?”

Lady Doucebag: Well, it has been impossible to get him out of his workshop! He has been working day and night.

Lord Salisbury: You, Douchebag? Well, I wasn’t aware youdabbled in that sort of thing. What in heaven’s name are you working on?

Lord Doucebag: Well, I would be happy to tell you.. but perhapsafter you have finished eating.

Lord Salisbury: Well, here is Chambers right now. Would you like something to eat?

Lord Doucebag: We’re not too hungry right now – just a plate ofraw vegetables.

Lord Salisbury: Would you like some dresing with that?

Lady Doucebag: Just some vinegar and water, thank you.

Earl of Sandwich: Douchebag, how are you? I haven’t seen you in the House of Lords in ages! Don’t tell me for the first time in memory we are going to have a House of Parliament without a Douchebag?

Lord Doucebag: My dear Sandwich, Parliament has always had its share of Douchebags, and it always will.

Lord Salisbury: Spoken like a true Douchebag. I have often heard the King speak of your family.. [ to Earl of Sandwich ] ..and of yours, as well: “Give me a Sandwich and a Douchebag, and there is nothing I cannot do.”

Earl of Sandwich: Hear, hear!

Lord Salisbury: So, tell me, Douchebag.. when are you going to show us that invention of yours?

Earl of Sandwich: Yes, Douchebag, just what kind of an invention are you sitting on?

Lord Doucebag: Well, it’s a long story. Why don’t we go out to the garden, and I’ll explain it to you.

Earl of Sandwich: Tell me – did Lady Douchebag help you in theproject?

Lord Doucebag: Help? Why.. she was the inspiration!

[ they exit to the garden to discuss the wondrous invention ]

Butler: Lord Compost Heap and Lady Disinfectant Cake!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bob Newhart: 05/10/80: Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 18

79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
…..Al Franken

Announcer: And now “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin, Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: Despite outraged protests from Saudi Arabia, PBS will broadcast “Death of a Princess”, a controversial docu-drama which tells the story of a Saudi princess who was executed for the crime of adultery. The Saudis have threatened to go into productino of their own docu-drama, entitled “Death of a Jewish-American Princess”, about a girl from Great Neck, Long Island who dies from complications of a nose job.

Out of the Rose Garden for the first time in six months, President Carter said he would have attended President Tito’s funeral, only if the late Yugoslav leader was buried in Philadelphia where Carter was campaigning.

And Pope John Paul II is calling his trip to Africa a “complete success.” The Pontiff has baptized thousands, exchanged ideas with African leaders, and recruited several good-looking prospects for the Vatican baskbetball team.


Bill Murray: In a surprising victory for President Carter, the Russian Olympic Committee voted unanimously to boycott their own Summer Games in Moscow. The Soviets said that Carter’s boycott forced them to take a long, hard look at themselves, and they are ashamed at their own behavior.

Researchers at the NYU Medical School have discovered that, by applying ice packs to their testicles, they can raise the sperm count and cure certain types of male sterility. Subjects who tested this cold-compress treatment were able to impregnate their wives, who gave birth to Eskimos.

And a dozen of Thomas’s English Muffins, wearing pencil-thin mosutaches, were able to talk their way into the Library of Congress this morning, and stole a copy of “Treasure Island” by Robert Louis Stevenson. It’s the fourth time this year that muffin made it past library security.


Jane Curtin: Almost 30,000 refugees have sailed from Cuba to Florida in the past two weeks. There was some concern that, among the refugees, are hundreds of social undesirables, such as mental patients, violent criminals, friends of Bebe Riboso, and members of Desi Arnaz’s original band.

The St. Petersburg Highway Department had to collapse the Tampa Bay Bridge yesterday, in order to apprehend a car that drive onto the bridge without paying the toll. The car apologizes to other cars and buses that were inconvenienced by the incident.

The remains of The Three Stooges were put on display at the Tate Gallery in London, last week. As always, Curly was the most popular.


Bill Murray: Thank you. [ holding up paper ] This just in — Secretary of State Edwin Muskie has just resigned because of a dispute with President Carter over next week’s surprise hostage rescue attempt. Carter is trying to get Muskie to postpone his decision until after the attempt fails.

And Rosie Ruiz surprised everyone when she finished first in the South Carolina Democratic Primary last Tuesday. State election officials had doubts, however, claiming she entered the race at the last minute. But Rosie tearfully continued to stick to her story that she DID run in the Primary, and she plans to keep the deledates she won, taking them with her on a camping trip to the Pocono Mountains.

[ image: Jane Curtin smiling with Walter Cronkite ] CBS News anchorman Walter Cronkite categorically denied reports that he would accept the nomination as John Anderson’s running mate. Cronkite, shown here with a local hosebag, repeated the denial in his own familiar words, “That’s the way it is.”

Jane, just what did you have to do to get Mr. C. to pose with you?

Jane Curtin: [ snidely ] Bill, I don’t have to tell you a thing — as a journalist, I’m protected by the First Amendment!

Bill Murray: Well, good — at least you used some protection.

Jane Curtin: And now to talk about himself, is Weekend Update’s Social Sciences Editor Al Franken. Al?

Al Franken: Thanks, Jane! Since the Al Franken Decade started, a lot of people have been coming up and asking what they can do for me… Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] Now, the other day I was standing outside of Rockefeller Center, trying to get a cab, and I was trying to think what I was going to do for this week’s spot… and I came up with this GREAT idea! This hilarious idea! And then, some guy… walks up to me, and he says, “Hey! Al Franken!” [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] “I’m sorry to bother you… but I’d just like to say I really enjoy your work.” So I say, “Get lost, I’m trying to think.” So the guy leaves, and by this time… I’ve forgotten the idea. This great idea I’d be doing for you now, if it hadn’t been for this SCUM… who interrupted my thought process. Okay — so I get in the cab, and I start thinking: “How did this happen to me, Al Franken?” [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] And I figured it happened because I was trying to get a cab. I should have… a limosine. I mean, let’s be reasonable: Here I am — Al Franken [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] — one of NBC’s few bright spots… and I’m forced to wait for taxis with you ordinary people out on the street. So I started thinking: “Who does NBC give limos to, anyway?”

Okay — now there are some cast members here on “Saturday Night Live” who do get limo service from NBC. I’m not gonna complain about that. These people are my friends, it would seem a bit… petty. But Garrett? Okay. Anyway… I found out that NBC gives limosines to Tom Snyder and to Gary Coleman. Now, taste aside, these guys do star in their own shows, so I can’t really complain about them, either. But now, get this — who know who gets complete door-to-door limo service from NBC? Fred Silverman. Now, here’s a guy… who is a total, unequivocal failure. Okay? The guy’s been here two years… and he hasn’t done diddly-squat. Okay? And he gets a limo! Okay… [ he grabs a chart ] now, here’s a list of the top ten-rated shows this season in TV. Now, there’s some A’s there… some B’s… some C’s… uh… some S’s. You see those? You see any N’s? Not one N! [ he puts the chart down ] Why? ‘Cause Silverman is a lame-o! But he still gets limosine service. I like to call it “A Limo for the Lame-o.”

Okay. Now, this is where you come in, and you can help me… Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] I want all of you to write NBC and pressure them to get me a limosine. Now, just send a letter or a postcard to:

c/o Fred Silverman
30 Rockefeller Center Plaza
New York, N.Y. 10020

Now, this is VERY IMPORTANT! Write this address down, NOW! Get a pencil and paper, and write it down! Here, I’ll wait for you. [ he waits ] Now, I’m sure you’ve got a pencil SOMEWHERE in the house. Go get it. Don’t worry — I’ll yell… I’ll YELL so you won’t miss anything! [ yelling ] Now, if ENOUGH of you write… Silverman will HAVE TO GIVE ME THE LIMO!! Even though I’ve just DECIMATED HIM, that’s the WAY THINGS ARE AROUND HERE! He’s TIMID, INDECISIVE, and he’s EASILY PRESSURED!! HE’s WEAK!! Okay — once again, now that you’re back. That’s:

c/o Fred Silverman
30 Rockefeller Center Plaza
New York, N.Y. 10020

Okay. Now, if this works, and I get my limo, you’ll be doing me… Al Franken [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] a great favor! And, hopefully, I won’t be bothered by people like you! But if you do happen to see me getting out of my limo, or maybe in a fancy hotel or restaurant, or perhaps this summer in London or Paris or Minneapolis… don’t come up to me unless you happen to be an attractive female, who is prepared to engage in sexual intercourse with me… Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] Thank you!

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Al. That’s the news. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom! Have a pleasant tomorrow!

SNL Transcripts