Category: 1979

Weekend Update Exclusive Report

…..Jane Curtin
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello

Jane Curtin: Good evening! It’s been 122 days since Paul McCartney was arrested in Japan for possession of marijuana; and it’s been 122 days since Paul McCartney last smoked marijuana. now, Weekend Update continues to bring you the most comprehensive coverage of this crisis. We sent to England the same correspondent who almost got an exclusive interview with Paul in a Tokyo priosn. Of course, I’m referring to our own Father Guido Sarducci. Even though it’s 4:30 in the morning over there, we’ve set up a live satellite feed with Father Sarducci in London. Father, are you there?

Father Guido Sarducci: [ via satellite; hair braided ] Hello, Jane. I’m a-standing here in front of-a where Paul McCartney is a-staying in the West End section of London, England.

Jane Curtin: Is Paul there with you, Father?

Father Guido Sarducci: Well, a-not yet, Jane. But he’ll be a-down at any moment, Jane. This here, this is-a his a-office. And up-a there on the second floor, that’s-a his apartment. He’s been holed up-a there since he was-a paroled from a-prison. [ throws penny at window; it bounces off unnoticed ] Secoind floor up there. He should be down-a any minute now. Hey.. I bet you’re a-wondering about my hair, right?

Jane Curtin: It does look a little different.

Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you! This is-a the latest in Italy.. it’s called a Corn Roll. Some people, they call it “Maize Roll”. There’s a new movie just-a come out about a month ago – it’s called “Diez”, it means Number 10. There’s-a a girl in-a the movie, she’s-a real pretty, they say she’s-a real Diez, you know? She’s got hair just-a like this, and all-a the women in Italy, they went and had this. And then this actor, his name is Victor Gasmann – very famous, wonderful actor – came in with his hair like this, and now men have it, too. Costs me 40,000 lira – a lot of money, but I tell you it’s worth it, you know, ’cause they said you could-a leave it like this for-a four or-a five months – don’t have to wash it or nothing!

Jane Curtin: Father, thanks for telling us about your hair, but is Paul McCartney there or not?

Father Guido Sarducci: Well, of course-a he is! This is-a where he’s been a-hiding ever since he’s been-a paroled – I told you that. He’ll be right down any minute now.. if you’ll hold your horses, he’ll be down..

Jane Curtin: Father, you told us you had a definite appointment set up with him for 11:30!

Father Guido Sarducci: That’s right, I did. I sent him a certified letter, and-a everything. But, you know, I think what happened was, he got-a the time messed up. You see, I told him 11:30, but over here now it’s 4:30 in the morning.. and I think, probably, he thought I meant 11:30 England time. It’s a long story, but what it is – the time changes as you travel across-a the ocean. It goes-a like this – every thousand miles, time changes one hour. You know, like, in-a New York-a now, it’s 11:30; then, in Iceland, it’s-a 12:30; then..

Jane Curtin: Father, Father, you said you had it all set up, that Paul McCartney would open the show for us. That’s why we spent so much money to hook up this live remote from London.

Father Guido Sarducci: Well, I think it’s just a matter of a moment, before he wakes up and comes-a down here. You just have to be-a patient.. what it is, it’s trans-atlantic, it seems like that.. it’s very complicated..

Jane Curtin: Father, I don’t think we can wait any longer. We’ve got to start the show.

Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. I guess I could get somebody else to open the show.. but I know Paul is gonna be very, very disappointed..

Jane Curtin: I’m sure he’ll understand.

Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. there’s a lot of people here.. [ points offscreen ] Here’s a fellow, a milkman.. Buddy? Could you come over here a minute, please? Do me a little favor? [ Milkman walks up ] Hey, listen, if you would, please, look into the camera, and I want you to read that.. [ hands him note ] ..if you would, please..

Milkman: [ reads note ] “Live, from New York and London, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update Exclusive Report, Part II

Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello
…..Paul McCartney
…..Linda McCartney

Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. the penny hitting the window didn’t-a work; my serenade didn’t-a work; but I know this is gonna work – a rock! [ turns around, throws rock at window, the lights turn on immediately ] That’s an old gossip columnist-a trick – Miss Rona toaught me-a that one. It’s works every time, he’ll be out I know it, you can-a bet on it! He’s coming, this is it, I can’t-a believe it!

[ Paul McCartney walks outside ]

Paul McCartney: What’s going on here?

Father Guido Sarducci: That rock, it was the milkman.. he did it, and then ran.

Paul McCartney: It wasn’t you?

Father Guido Sarducci: No, it wasn’t me. I’m-a here to do the interview. You know, I wrote you about it and everything, a registered letter..

Paul McCartney: Yeah, but that was supposed to be 11:30 last night, though.. I mean, you know.. it’s five in the morning now..

Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. it’s a long-a story.. There was a time change, you didn’t hear about it? It’s like, every piece of land is one hour less than the other one. It’s a long story.. it’s really involved, it gets a little technical, I don’t think you want to go into it, but that’s the reason..

Paul McCartney: Listen, could we do this tomorrow? ‘Cause, I mean, really, it’s awful late..

Father Guido Sarducci: This is live! Look at this, it’s live television! This a hook-up satellite to the United States. This is it, now, let’s do it! You know what I want to ask you: Is it true that you haven’t had any marijuana in 122 days – yes or no?

Paul McCartney: [ sighs ] It was my understanding that we were just going to talk about the videotape, you know? Are they showing it yet?

Father Guido Sarducci: No, it’s still coming up.. But I just would like to ask you a couple of questions first. Just a couple.

Paul McCartney: Alright, that’s fine. Just as long as they are questions about the tape – just the tape, okay?

Father Guido Sarducci: It has to be questions about the tape? Well.. [ thinking ] ..how long did it take to make-a the tape?

Paul McCartney: Well, it took a lot of time, actually, because I play a lot of different roles on the tape. It’s only about four minutes long itself, but it took over a week to shoot it.

Father Guido Sarducci: If you was still smoking, do you think it would have taken longer or shorter?

Paul McCartney: Well, it might have taken longer.. but it might have seemed shorter than that. But I don’t see how that matters..

Father Guido Sarducci: Well, it would have taken longer, but it would have seemed shorter, that’s your answer?

[ Linda McCartney joins the party ]

Linda McCartney: I thought you were coming at 11:30?

Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. Paul got the time mixed up. It’s a long, long story, but it’s-a like, every piece of land is an hour earlier, and live far aay, so it’s really, really early there..

Paul McCartney: Linda’s in the tape, too.

Linda McCartney: Yeah, Paul plays ten of the characters, and I play two backup singers – one’s a fella.

Paul McCartney: Yeah, you know, most of the characters are based on certain definite people – I mean, for instance, you’ve got the keyboard player of The Sparks, and you’ve got Hank Marvin of The Shadows, you probably know them.

Father Guido Sarducci: Hank Marvin? Well, I’ve heard of him, but I don’t know him personally..

Paul McCartney: Well, we have this saxophone section, and there’s this hippie guy at the end of it. Well, he kind of gets all the stuff wrong..

Linda McCartney: Oh, he’s my favorite, the hippie guy! The sax section is really in time – while they’re going forward, the hippie’s always out of tune and time, he goes back, and..

Paul McCartney: The dancing I have to do is, like, real complicated to do, you know? I have to imagine the people.. it’s..

Father Guido Sarducci: Hey, I bet it is real hard to dance when you’re not stoned, am I right?

Paul McCartney: It wasn’t easy, but.. uh.. are you gonna show the tape?

Father Guido Sarducci: Yes. We are gonna show the tape, for sure. But I just want to aks you one more question, if you don’t mind. It’s very important, people want to know..

Paul McCartney: It’s not about marijuana, right?

Father Guido Sarducci: No.. This is a question I really hate to ask you, ’cause I know everyone always asks you this-a question, but I’m a journalist, I have to do it, if you don’t mind. Paul: If, just-a if, you could be any animal, what would it-a be?

Paul McCartney: Any animal?

Father Guido Sarducci: Any animal.

Paul McCartney: [ thinking ] Koala bear.

Father Guido Sarducci: Koala bear! Did you hear? Koala bear! Is that the little animal all the time, they eat eucalypse leaves, they get-a stoned all the time! Well, you heard it – koals bear! Well, that’s it. And you can take it back, America!

Paul McCartney: Okay, play the tape!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

The Hominids

Oakna…..Bill Murray
Weena…..Laraine Newman
Hominid #2…..Al Franken
Hominid #3…..Garrett Morris
Hominid #4…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Strange One…..Steve Martin
Mother Hominid…..Gilda Radner

Announcer: A million years ago, May 17, 998020 B.C., man’s remote ancestors, the Hominids, roamed the Savannahs of Africa. Of course, it would be easy to make fun of these precursors of modern man for their brutish appearance and sloppy eating habits, but we should remember that someday we too will have descendents much more advanced than ourselves. What will they think of today’s hamburger “joints” and “mod” Carnaby Street clothes? It is with this sense of humility that we present tonight’s docu-historama on: THE HOMINIDS.

Oakna: It has been a good day.

Mother Hominid: A good day! A good day!

Hominid #2: It sure has been a good day..

Hominid #3: Boy, I am full!

Hominid #4: I hope we eat this much tomorrow!

Mother Hominid: With Oakna as our Father Hunter, we will all have full bellies!

Strange One: [ eating banana ] Uh, say.. not to take anything away from Oakna, but, you know, we were lucky to scare off that lion and take its prey.

Oakna: [ interceding angrily ] The lion knew Oakna, and fled in fright. I am swift, and I am strong.

Strange One: Okay, okay, okay, okay..

Oakna: Now.. it is time to howl at the moon!

Hominid #2: Yes. We howl at moon.

Hominid #3: Yes.

Hominid #4: I will like that.

[ they all walk off, including Oakna, who dumbly steps into the fire and howls in pain ]

Strange One: Hey, Mom.. can I talk to you a second..?

[ the other Hominids can be heard offscreen howling at the moon ]

Mother Hominid: What is it, my Strange One?

Strange One: I don’t know, Mom.. it’s Oakna, he’s driving me crazy..

Mother Hominid: But he is our Father Hunter! He is swift and strong!

Strange One: I know. But he’s so stupid, and he lies constantly.

Mother Hominid: It is dangerous to talk that way about Oakna. I will not listen!

Strange One: Alright, alright.. I’ll draw a little bit. [ draws on rock as Weena pops out of cave ] Oh, hi, Weena, glad to see you!

Weena: You make me wet!

Strange One: Ah, well.. it’s very nice of you to say that. Listen.. I want to show you something.. [ draws the image of a bison on the rock ] How do you like this bison? Look at that!

Weena: [ frightened ] What bison?!

Strange One: Right here. Right here on the wall. You see, it’s got little eyes, and the legs here, and the tail..

Weena: [ screaming ] Oh, no! A bison! A bison!

Strange One: No, no! It’s just the image of a bison.

Weena: Ohhh.. it was scary! You were brave! [ giggles ]Weena want you! [ walks by the fire and shakes her tail for theStrange One ]

Strange One: Well.. okay, I’ll take a little of that! That would be nice..

[ Oakna stomps in, angry, and pulls Weena aside ]

Oakna: You do not get this!

Strange One: Hey, hey, hey! I didn’t do anything!

Oakna: The woman is mine! I am the FatherHunter! I am swift! I am strong!

Strange One: Hey, no one is questioning your swiftness or yourstrength here..

[ the Hominids return and sit in front of the fire ]

Hominid #2: Mmm.. Oakna, the fire is good!

Hominid #4: I like fire!

Oakna: Thank you. Tomorrow, the men will hunt! Perhaps the bison will die for us.

Strange One: Uh, Oakna.. since we’re on that subject again, I have a couple of ideas about the bison hunt I’d kind of like to share them with you. Now, I know you’re the leader, but I want you to hear me out on this, okay? Now, have you ever noticed how we’re always chasing the bison? The fact is, the bison is swifter than we are. Swifter even – and I say this with all due respect – swifter even than Oakna.

Oakna: [ interested ] Ye-e-es?

Strange One: So, come over here and look at this.. [ jumps to the ground to grab some rocks, as Oakna dumbly steps into the fire again and howls ] Let’s say that we represent the rocks – these rocks are us. Now, we’ll put them around in a circle, like this, and this.. [ holds up large rock ] ..will be the bison, alright? Now, whichever way the bison runs, he’ll run into one of us!

Oakna: [ pause ] We are not rocks.

Strange One: [ aghast ] Oh, you’re missing the point! This isso simple!

Hominid #3: Wa-ait.. do you mean that we make a circle around the bison?

Strange One: Yes!

Hominid #3: Oh.. so if the bison runs away from me, he will run to you?

Strange One: Yes!

Hominid #4: That is smart!

Oakna: You are smart. But I am swift. And I am..

Strange One: [ finishing his thought ] Strong.

Oakna: Yes. I am strong, and I am swift!

Strange One: Okay, you are swift and strong, and I am smart.. and, together, we can improve our lives. Perhaps, we can even stop wandering, and build permanent dwellings and domesticate animals. Why, we could then have leisure time to develop a system of symbols, and to record events and communicate ideas, creating a civilization beyond our wildest imagination.

Oakna: You are smart. But it is late, and we must sleep, so tomorrow we can begin on this work.

Good. We must sleep. Yes, let’s hit the dirt. We did good.

Strange One: Yes.

[ everyone spreads out on the ground and falls asleep ]

Oakna: [ sits and watches the Strange One fall asleep behind a rock, then picks up a bigger rock and holds it over the Strange One ] I am strong! [ pounds the Strange One with rock, killing him ] And now, I am smart [ smiles happily, and dumbly steps into the fire once more, burning his foot ]

SNL Transcripts

Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: Do I look okay? I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “Hey. Where has Steve been? Haven’t seen him on ‘Saturday Night Live’ in a while..” [ chuckles ] They want me. They call me every week to do the show. But I have been holding out for a little bit of this.. [ rubs his fingers together ] And so the calls fly back and forth, and I made a deal, and I’m very happy to be here tonight. I wish I’d asked for money instead of a little bit of this.. [ rubs his fingers together again ]

You probably heard I was into the comedy thing. Kind of getting out of that now.. into a little more serious deal. And so that’s why right now I’d like to talk about “What.. I.. Believe..”

[ heavy music starts to play ]

“What I Believe.”

I believe in rainbows and puppy dogs and fairy tales.

And I believe in the family – Mom and Dad and Grandma.. and Uncle Tom,who waves his penis.

And I believe 8 of the 10 Commandments.

And I believe in going to church every Sunday, unless there’s a game on.

And I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome and natural things.. that money can buy.

And I believe it’s derogatory to refer to a woman’s breasts as “boobs”, “jugs”, “winnebagos” or “golden bozos”.. and that you should only refer to them as “hooters”.

And I believe you should put a woman on a pedestal.. high enough so youcan look up her dress.

And I believe in equality, equality for everyone.. no matter how stupidthey are, or how much better I am than they are.

And, people say I’m crazy for believing this, but I believe that robots are stealing my luggage.

And I believe I made a mistake when I bought a 30-story 1-bedroom apartment.

And I believe the Battle of the Network Stars should be fought with guns.

And I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was – an arctic region covered with ice.

And, lastly, I believe that of all the evils on this earth, there is nothing worse than the music you’re listening to right now. That’s what I believe.

We’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 19

79s: Steve Martin / 3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney

Reagan Dinner

Stephanie…..Laraine Newman
Ronald Reagan…..Harry Shearer
Niles…..Bill Murray
Ed…..Steve Martin
Nancy Reagan…..Jane Curtin
Waiter…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[ open on restaurant setting, zoom in on table of Governor Ronald Reagan and his party ]

Stephanie: Governor, what do you think of President Carter’s policy on the influx of Cuban refugees?

Ronald Reagan: Well, I’d say the answer to that is… Maybe it’s time we put President Carter on welfare.

[ the group laughs ]

Niles: Governor, that’s very glib, but if my paper is going to endorse you in the Primary, we’ll need more than just cute one-liners.

Ed: Now, Niles, be fair — the man hasn’t finished his dinner yet, and already you want a State of the Union Address!

Stephanie: Well, I think Niles sometimes underestimates the value of a good one-liner. I mean, that’s what viewers seem to remember most about our newscasts — a good kicker line! I mean, we had one the other night. I think it was, uh… It was raining this month, too, and we had… we were doing a special series on how to lose weight. And my co-anchorperson, Bob Hawkins, just ad-libbed this line: “The more weight you lose… [ thinking ] the less of you there is to sweat!” Well, I want to tell you that switchboard went CRAZY! And the crew, of course… well, they loved it!

Ronald Reagan: [ smiling ] That’s great.

Niles: Governor, I know we don’t have you very much longer…

Ronald Reagan: No, and I’m sorry about that, but you know how tightly they schedule your time once it becomes pretty obvious that… you’re gonna win. Everybody wants a little piece of you. I think next time’s supposed to be at a potato festival in Boise!

Ed: Uh, Governor, for your own reference, the next appearance is at a Lion’s Club dinner in Seattle. The Potato Festival was last week.

Ronald Reagan: Oh, yes… yes, yes, that’s right. Nancy, that was where you sat on that cottage fry, wasn’t it, Mommy?

Nancy Reagan: No, dear, that was Denver.

Ronald Reagan: Yes… well. That’s substantially what I said.

Niles: Well, Governor, what about the hostages? Now, if we don’t back down… do we bomb our way in?

Ronald Reagan: Well, sir… I kind of look at it this way: Maybe it’s time we put the Ayatollah Khomeini on welfare!

[ the group laughs ]

Stephanie: Well, Governor, that would be one welfare mother we could do without, huh?

Ronald Reagan: [ he chuckles ] I think so!

Ed: Uh, on that note, I think we’re gonna have to blow the whistle here. But please be our guest for dinner, alright? [ he grabs the bill ]

Niles: No, no… we went over that before, Ed. Our paper has a policy that we never go out on anybody’s tab.

Ed: Now, come on — even the next President’s?

Niles: Anybody’s. Let’s divvy up the bill instead. [ he takes out some cash ]

Stephanie: I’m just thinking… I wonder if our station has a policy on that? [ Niles turns away ] I guess we do.

Ronald Reagan: Well… I had the uh, veal cordon bleu, and Mommy had the salmon tips, and, uh, if we split the wine, that would put us at about thirty dollars.

Ed: Uh, sir, if I remember correctly, you had the steak, Stephanie had the veal.

Ronald Reagan: Oh… yes.

Stephanie: Oh, that’s right! The man is so convincing, you know? I forgot what I had! It’s amazing, it really — it’s a gift!

Ronald Reagan: Well, then, Ed, uh… I guess, as I recall, the steak — I have a kind of mind for these kind of trivial figures. I think it wwas $5.95, wasn’t it?

Ed: Uh, sir… just to err on the side of accuracy, the steak was $12.75.

Ronald Reagan: [ laughing ] Well, you know, if you run for President every four years, you don’t often pay for your own steak!

Niles: [ handing money over ] Well, here’s $20 — that should cover me.

Stephanie: [ handing money over ] Yeah, here’s $20 for me — I should get three back.

Ronald Reagan: [ handing money over ] Here you go, Ed – that’s for me and Mommy!

Ed: [ hands money to Stephanie ] Here’s three back. [ he looks up ] Waiter?

[ the Waiter comes over to collect the bill ]

Ronald Reagan: [ to his party ] I just want to re-emphasize, once again, how unjust it is that Vietnam veterans are NOT eligible for the G.I. Bill. Now, Mr. Carter has had FOUR years —

Waiter: Uh, excuse me for eavesdropping, but… my brother is a Vietnam vet, and, uh, the G.I. Bill put him through Med School. [ he walks off ]

Ronald Reagan: Well… maybe we ought to put the Maitre’d on welfare! [ the group is silent ] Well, I’m not gonna give you a little speech about how you should endorse me in the Primary. I think you two can make up your own minds about what’s best for the people of Oregon.

Niles: Yes, sir.

Ronald Reagan: But I can tell you one thing: That check would have been a lot smaller… if this state didn’t impose a sales tax on its people. Well… good meeting you, Niles. [ he shakes Niles’ hand ] All my best, Stephanie. [ he shakes Stephanie’s hand ]

Stephanie: Thank you.

Ronald Reagan: Come on, Mommy! We don’t want to keep those Potato Heads waiting!

Ed: [ getting up ] We’ll check back in a few days, folks. If there’s anything we can do, please give us a call, alright? Thank you. Good bye.

Ronald Reagan: Good bye.

Nancy Reagan: Bye.

Ed: Let’s go.

[ Ed leads Mr. and Mrs. Reagan out of the restaurant ]

Stephanie: Niles, Oregon doesn’t have a sales tax, do we?

Niles: No.

Stephanie: I didn’t think so. God, it’s amazing!

Niles: [ steamed ] Yes. It is.

Stephanie: I mean, the man looks TEN YEARS younger in person, don’t you think?

[ Stephanie exits the booth, as Niles gives her a furrowed look ]

[ camera pans out on set, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Steosexuality” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 5: Episode 19

79s: Steve Martin / 3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney

Real Incredible People

Chet Napes…..Steve Martin
Amelia Kane…..Gilda Radner
Bob Lylo…..Bill Murray
Buddy Bishop…..Harry Shearer
Marsha Craven…..Laraine Newman
…..Akira Yoshimura
Lucia Newell…..Jane Curtin
Willis Gaston…..Garrett Morris
Man in Audience #1…..Max Pross
Man in Audience #2…..Jim Downey
Woman in Audience…..Jean Doumanian
Man in Audience #3…..Tom Gammill

[ open on shot of audience members in the studio balcony ]

Announcer: And now, it’s time for “Real Incredible People”! [ title card zooms in ] The show that believes that real people are incredible!

[ dissolve to stage ]

Announcer: And now, here’s our “Real Incredible People” people: Chet Napes! [ Chet runs on stage ] Amelia Kane! [ Amelia runs on stage ] Bob Lylo! [ Bob runs through the audience to stage ] Buddy Bishop! [ Buddy runs on stage ] Marsha Craven! [ Marsha runs on stage ]

Chet Napes: Tonight on “Real Incredible People”, we’ll visit a man who has never opened his mail!

[ wipe to image of man seated on couch surrounded by unopened mail ]

Amelia Kane: Then, we’ll look at a woman who had the shape of her nose surgically altered!

[ wipe to image of woman facing sideways with a mismatched nose ]

Bob Lylo: And we’ll show you a man who gets around in what he calls… an electric wheelchair!

[ wipe to image of old man sitting peacefully in an electric wheelchair ]

Buddy Bishop: Then, we’ll be visiting a woman who owns… FOURTEEN DOGS!

[ wipe to image of woman with fourteen dogs on leashes ]

Marsha Craven: And we’ll be talking to a man who likes to dress up like a woman and have sex with other men!

[ wipe to image of man dressed as woman ]

Chet Napes: BUt before we meet those REAL INCREDIBLE people, our first incredible guest is a man who really knows the meaning of… Stick-to-it-ivness!

Buddy Bishop: That’s right, Chet! He’s a man who talks softly… and carries TWO sticks!

Amelia Kane: But… they aren’t big!

Marsha Craven: He uses them to eat… RAW FISH!

Bob Lylo: Did you say raw fish, Marsha?

Marsha Craven: That’s right! But don’t take my word for it!

[ Oriental music plays, as we dissolve to Akira Yoshimura eating sushi ]

Marsha Craven V/O: Akira Yoshimura eats fish using two sticks made from a tree. The fish isn’t even cooked! It’s RAW!! [ the panel groans and oohs ] Even though Mr. Yoshimura can use a knife and a fork, he says he prefers eating with the two small sticks!

Buddy Bishop: That is hard to believe! Gosh, Marsha, when you were doing the story, did you eat any of the raw fish with the two sticks?

Marsha Craven: Well… I got as far as picking up the fish with the two sticks, but I didn’t eat any!

[ the panel laughs ]

Chet Napes: He was a REAL incredible person, Marsha, but perhaps not as incredible as our next REAL INCREDIBLE PERSON!

Amelia Kane: She does something EVERY NIGHT!

Buddy Bishop: In bed!

Bob Lylo: Before she goes to sleep.

Marsha Craven: Something in bed every night… before she goes to sleep!

Buddy Bishop: Have we made you think it’s sex? [ he chuckles heartily ] Well, it isn’t!

[ the panel laughs ]

Amelia Kane: No! But this woman actually READS every night before she goes to sleep!

[ dissolve to Lucia Newell happily reading in bed ]

Amelia Kane V/O: EVERY Night, for the last eight years — and EVERY night except one, for the past fifteen years — Lucia Newell has read at least one chapter of a book, or an ENTIRE magazine, before going to sleep! [ the panel is impressed ] Excuse me! Ms. Newell! What book is that you’re reading?

Lucia Newell: Uh — it’s called “Lord of the Rings”, by J.R.R. Tolkien!

Amelia Kane: And… what’s it about?

Lucia Newell: Oh! It’s about little furry people who live in the Middle Earth, and who have magic jewels and battles with forces of evil.

Amelia Kane: Wow-ow-ow!! That’s REALLY incredible!! And… what was that book you told me about when I called you?

Lucia Newell: [ thinking ] Oh! “Tale of Two Cities”! It’s about two men during the French Revolution. One lives in London, and one lives in France — and they look EXACTLY alike, and they switch identities!

The Panel: THAT’S AMAZING!!! THAT’S INCREDIBLE!!!

Chet Napes: Did you say they look exactly alike?

Lucia Newell: Yeah! And one gives his life for the other!

Amelia Kane: INCREDIBLE!!

Buddy Bishop: And this was the French Revolution, you say?

Lucia Newell: Yeah! There was a Revolution in France in 1789… when the feudal system was overthrown by the French people.

Bob Lylo: Wait! Overthrown? Completely overthrown?!

Lucia Newell: Yeah!

Bob Lylo: THAT’S INCREDIBLE!!

Marsha Craven: And, hey — have you been to Paris?

Lucia Newell: Yes.

Chet Napes: THAT’S INCREDIBLE!!! [ he stomps his feet ]

Amelia Kane: Well, we’d love to have you back on the show again! Would you have more books to tell us about?

Lucia Newell: Certainly!

Chet Napes: It’s always great to hear a story!

[ the audience applauds Lucia’s feat ]

Marsha Craven: These stories are incredible, Chet! But you won’t believe your eyes when you meet our next guest!

Bob Lylo: That’s right, Marsha. We have in the studio, a guest whose skin is very dark-brown!

Marsha Craven: Was he in a fire?

Bob Lylo: Let’s just bring him out! Please welcome Willis Gaston!

[ Willis Gaston, a black man, walks past the audience and takes a seat on stage between the hosts ]

Bob Lylo: Well! Mr. Gaston! How do you do it?

Willis Gaston: I don’t do anything, man! That’s just the way I am!

Bob Lylo: Well, it’s INCREDIBLE!! Yeah! Show them your palm! Look at this!

[ Gaston raises his hands to reveal their stunning blackness ]

Marsha Craven: Wow! Mr. Gaston, do people pay more attention to you because your skin is so dark?

Willis Gaston: Well, it depends where I am! If I’m out around a lot of black folk, it doesn’t make any difference!

Amelia Kane: You mean, there are people with black skin?

Willis Gaston: Yeahhhh…

Bob Lylo: WOW!!! THAT’S INCREDIBLE!!!

Marsha Craven: Wow! Maybe next time, we can have one of those BLACK persons on the show!

Willis Gaston: That WOULD be incredible!

[ the audience applauds his feat ]

Bob Lylo: Well, you know — every week, we meet LOTS of REAL INCREDIBLE PEOPLE! And one thing that we’ve found is that some of the MOST incredible people… are the REAL PEOPLE in our studio audience! So let’s meet some of the really incredible people who are here today!

[ cut to Chet standing next to a man in the audience ]

Chet Napes: What’s incredible about you?

Man in Audience #1: I flew up to the top of Pike’s Peak!

Chet Napes: Wow!! That’s INCREDIBLE!!

[ cut to Buddy standing over a second man in the audience ]

Buddy Bishop: Hi! What’s incredible about you?

Man in Audience #2: Remember those Pet Rocks a couple years ago?

Buddy Bishop: Sure!

Man in Audience #2: I BOUGHT one!

Buddy Bishop: That’s incredible!

[ cut to Marsha standing with a woman from the audience ]

Marsha Craven: Hey! What’s incredible about you?

Woman in Audience: I saw Debbie Reynolds in the supermarket!

Marsha Craven: That’s incredible!

[ cut to Bob standing next to the second man in the audience again ]

Bob Lylo: Hey, what’s incredible about you?

Man in Audience #2: My sister used to be a nun, but now she’s NOT any more!

Bob Lylo: That’s incredible!! Aren’t you the guy with the Pet Rock?

Man in Audience #2: Yes!

Bob Lylo: THAT IS INCREDIBLE!!!

[ cut to GR standing next to third man from the audience ]

Amelia Kane: Hey! What’s incredible about you?

Man in Audience #3: What’s incredible about ME… is that I’m on “REAL INCREDIBLE PEOPLE”!!

[ cut to audience clapping, as title card zooms in ]

[ fade ]

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 19

79s: Steve Martin / 3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

[ Jane reaches over to nudge Bill awake ]

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: A spokesman for former President Gerald R. Ford says it is highliy unlikely that Ford will be Ronald Reagan’s running mate in November. The idea of a Reagan-Ford ticket was originally proposed by SEcret Service, who thought it would definitely discourage any possible assassination attempts.

In his first mission as Secretary of State, Edmund Muskie met with Soviet Minister Gromyko in Vienna. After the meeting, Muskie announced that in future conferences, he would use interpretators. “The meeting should go a lot faster,” said Muskie, “and hopefully I’ll get more out of them.”

Last Monday, Picasso’s Acrobat With Arms Crossed was auctioned off for $3 million, setting a world’s record for a modern art sale. However, the record was broken the next day, when this Van Gogh Le Jardin du Puits Arles went for $5.2 million, setting a new record. But records are made to be broken, and yesterday in Paris, one of the great living artists, Marc Chagall, was himself sold at auction for a whopping $43 million. The buyer, Mr. Glen Lamont of Clearwater, Florida said, “If Chagall has two or three more paintings in him, I’ll break even.”

Bill?

Bill Murray: Findings were released tonight by the Food and Drug Administration that show a link between the common cold and use of Kleenex. Apparently, most people are allergic to a fiber used in the paper tissues, and sneeze when they come in contact with it. The FDA advises that, for the time being, you should use your shirt sleeve, until the summer when you can use your forearm.

The Environmental Protection Agency announced that residents of the Love Canal area in Niagara Falls may have altered chromosomes from the toxic chemicals buried there. A spokesman for the Hooker Chemicals and Plastics Corporation, which has dumped waste into the site for years, calmed local residents by explaining that at least future generations will have someone to make fun of.

And Pope John Paul II ordained as a Bishop, Stymie Beard of the old “Our Gang” comics, last week. Stymie becomes the only member of the Little Rascals to get as high as Bishop in the Catholic Church.

Jane?

Jane Curtin: At Baltimore’s Pimlico Racetrack today, California’s Codex beat favorite Genuine Risk in the 105th running of the Preakness. Running out on the money was a horse owned by TV’s “Quincy”, Jack Klugman, who, immediately after the race, performed an autopsy on his horse to determine why it lost. If he’s not satisfied with the results, Klugman will perform a similar post-mortom on his jockey, Daryl McHarve.

Ayatollah Khomeini went down to his local 7-11 and donated $50 to Jerry’s Kids this week, starting a drive the comedian hopes will raise over $30 million. There’s a rumor that Jerry Lewis is arranging to reunite Khomeini and his old political foe, The Shah, during next September’s telethon.

And in a related story, a new hostage rescue attempt was made by a bus this morning, but failed when the bus crashed into a building in downtown Tehran. The bus was reportedly based on the Navy vehicle carrier, The U.S.S. James Hoffa, anchored in the Persian Gulf.

Bill?

Bill Murray: Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute was miniaturized to the size of a thimble and dropped into the Atlantic Ocean today. Parents of Rensselaer students are advised to check the tide charts in your local area.

And with recent polls indicating the possibility of a strong showing by John Anderson this Fall, experts now predict the election could be decided by the House of Representatives. As the Constitution states, if the House can’t come up with a majority vote, then the Speaker of the House becomes the next President. That man would be Thomas P. “Tip” O’Neill, seen here performing his hilarious “Beat Me, HUrt Me” burlesque act at Gonzaga University.

And the State DEpartment has issued the following warnings to Cubans making the arduous trip from Cuba to Florida: “Do not overdo the sun on the first day; Do not go swimming for at least a half an hour after eating; and No horseplay on the deck, please, somebody could get an eye poked out.”

Jane?

Jane Curtin: As you know, we were scheduled to have Paul McCartney open tonight’s show, but we ran into some technical problems. But we are now switching back to London, where Father Guido Sarducci is standing by with Paul McCartney and a videotape of his new song. [ to the monitor ] Come in, Father Sarducci!

[ Father Guido Sarducci appears via satellite on the monitor ]

Father Guido Sarducci: Jane, it’s-a getting LIGHT here! The sun is-a coming up! It’s only a little bit-a after twelve o’clock in-a New York, but over here in-a London, England, it’s after FIVE in the morning.

Jane Curtin: Father…

Father Guido Sarducci: Can you believe it?

Jane Curtin: [ laughing ] Where’s Paul?

Father Guido Sarducci: [ taking a drag on his cigarette ] That-a guy, you know, he-a sleeps like a log! I think I must have thrown-a like-a two dollars worth of these-a coins — pences, they call them. [ mockingly ] Pences!

Jane Curtin: Father, I don’t know if you’re aware of it, but this hook-up cost a lot of money, and if Paul McCartney isn’t there to introduce his song like you promised, it’s going to come out of your check! [ she cackles with glee ]

Father Guido Sarducci: You know-a what-a I think the problem is? I think-a, maybe, since-a all of these people are down here, that he thinks-a it’s a BUST! Could be. Really. But… I think I know how to get him out. I’m-a gonna SING for him! I’m-a gonna sing a medley… of-a Beatles tunes. I’m-a gonna serenade him out of that place! That’s-a my plan! I got a what-a you call a speaker here… [ he raises a bullhorn ] A loud-a speaker. [ he positions himself in front of McCartney’s window and loudly sings “Revolution #9” into the bullhorn ] “We don’t-a want a revolution, nooooo! / We all-a want-a to CHANGE the world! / But if you go-a talking about-a destruction / Don’t-a you know that you can-a count me…” [ he switches to “Yellow Submarine” ] “In the town where I was born / Lived a man who sailed… that sea. / And he tells me…” [ he switches to “Hey Jude” ] “Hey, Jude-a!” [ he switches to “Do You Want To Know A Secret” ] “Do you want to know a secret? Ohhhhhh. / Do you promise not to tell?” [ he switches to “Elenour Rigby” ] “Elenour-a Rigby…” [ he switches to “Getting Better” ] “…used to be mad at my school / The teachers that taught me weren’t…” [ he switches to “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” ] “Desmond.” [ he switches to “I Am The Walrus” ] I am-a you, and-a you are me…” [ he switches to “Yellow Submarine” ] “…and-a we are all-a together in a yellow submarine.” [ he switches to “Day in the Life” ] “Well, I just had to laugh!” [ he switches to “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds” ] “I saw Lucy in the sky with…” [ hjhe switches to “Michelle” ] “Michelle, ma belle…” [ he switches to “The Fool On The Hill” ] “The fool on the hill…” [ he switches to “Elenour Rigby” ] “Sweeping the rice from the church where her wedding has been.” [ he switches to “A Hard Day’s Night” ] “A hard day’s night.” [ he switches to “I Want to Hold Your Hand” ] “And suddenly, I want to hold your…” [ he switches to “Help” ] “Help!” [ he switches to “I Want to Hold Your Hand” ] “I want to hold-a your…” [ he switches to “Help” ] “I need-a somebody!” [ he switches to “I Want to Hold Your Hand” ] “I want to hold… your… handle!”

[ thunderous applause from the audience ]

Jane Curtin: Excuse me, Father. I don’t think that worked, Father, I don’t see any lights going on.

Father Guido Sarducci: Well… I think-a maybe I should-a do it again. You know, maybe another time might work. Or maybe — you know, I know what-a I could do. I’ll sing-a some-a medley of-a Wings tunes. That’s, you know, his-a latest group. Maybe that’ll do it.

Jane Curtin: Yeah, Father — you keep trying, we’ll get back to you later.

Father Guido Sarducci: Okay.

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[ Father Guido Sarducci continues trying to serenade McCartney down ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Time Warner Cable Packages | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 20


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:







Bit Players:


May 24th, 1980

Buck Henry

Andrew Gold

Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity

None

Liz Welch

Lee Mayman

Robin Shlien

Don Pardo

Matt Neuman

Walter Williams

Yvonne Hudson

Anne Beatts

Sarah Paley

Alan Zweibel

Richard Belzer

Andy Murphy

Akira Yoshimura
ABC NewsSummary: An eager Frank Reynolds (Harry Shearer) makes an advance announcement that Ronald Reagan and President Jimmy Carter will secure their parties’ nominations for this year’s presidential election.

Recurring Characters: Frank Reynolds, George Bush, Ted Kennedy.

Transcript

Montage

Buck Henry’s MonologueSummary: Buck Henry introduces the soon-to-be-famous members of “SNL”‘s sixth season.

Transcript

Lord & Lady DouchebagSummary: Lord (Buck Henry) and Lady Douchebag (Gilda Radner) are among the distinguished guests at a noble gathering at Salisbury Manor.

Transcript

Cow Minder’s DaughterSummary: Cow minder’s (Buck Henry) daughter Govinda Lynn (Laraine Newman) leaves the family cow pasture to become a famous country-Indian singer in the Far East.

Andrew Gold performs “Kiss This One Goodbye”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Jack Perkins (Harry Shearer) reports on the wide-eyed Walter Keane art exhibit that’s sweeping the nation. Chico Escuela (Garrett Morris). Roseanne Roseannadanna (Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Chico Escuela, Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Uncle RoySummary: While babysitting, Uncle Roy (Buck Henry) plays Glass-Bottom Boat with Terri (Laraine Newman) andTracy (Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Uncle Roy, Terri, Tracy.

Transcript

Trader Nick’sSummary: Nick “Lava” (Bill Murray) runs a Hawaiian-themed bar outside of Niagara Falls and sings to a displaced couple (Buck Henry, Laraine Newman) from Love Canal and a rowdy group of teenagers celebrating their prom.

Recurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer, Iris de Flaminio.

Transcript

Week in ReviewSummary: Hugh Gaffney (Buck Henry) of the New York Times is annoyed when he finds himself participating alongside a panel of tabloid journalists.

Transcript

Mommy BeerSummary:

Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity perform “Can’t Nobody Do Me Like Jesus”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 20

79t: Buck Henry / Andrew Gold, Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity

ABC News

Frank Reynolds…..Harry Shearer
George Bush…..Jim Downey
Ted Kennedy…..Bill Murray
Oliver Selenko…..Paul Shaffer

FADE IN:

INT. ABC NEWS HEADQUARTERS – NEWSROOM – NIGHT

ABC News Anchor FRANK REYNOLDS is seated, facing the camera.

SUPER: FRANK REYNOLDS

Frank Reynolds: Good Evening. Last September, when the 1980 Presidential Election was only a year and a half away, we began covering the campaign. Tonight, two months before the conventions start, are projections have given the Republican nomination to Ronald Reagan and the Democratic nomination to Jimmy Carter. Hopefully, by Labor Day, we shall be able to project the actual election winner… And we can all spend September and October concentrating on football.

INSERT: A STILL OF AN HOURGLASS

SUPER: THE ’80 VOTE – ALMOST HALFWAY OVER

Frank Reynolds: So now this long primary campaign, this string of Tuesday nights, this raid of bar graphs and exit polls, the sleazy morning after in hotel bars – it all comes to an end. And like everything else in this election season, we at ABC News are bringing it to you two months early. Surely, the clearest sign that Carter and Reagan have clear sailing ahead came this week with the holding of a unique political forum.

INSERT: CONSOLATION DEBATE CHROMA KEY

Frank Reynolds: A consolation debate between Teddy Kennedy and George Bush, which will help to decide who comes in third place when Campaign ’80 closes the record books. This first ever confrontation between non-frontrunners, sponsored by The League of Voters Who Dress Like Women, was held earlier today. Here are some highlights of that consolation debate. First, George Bush…

INT. DEBATE HALL – DAY

GEORGE BUSH stands at a podium.

George Bush: I see America moving ahead in this decade.

SUPER: EARLIER THIS WEEK

George Bush: I see problems… sure. But if we didn’t have problems, there would be no need for solutions. I welcome the opportunity to debate Senator Kennedy. Sure, nobody will really win. Sure, it won’t count at the convention. Sure, it’s meaningless in November… but that’s the excitement of it. The sense that you’re doing something, just because you want to do it. And because, you want, you have nothing else to do.

INT. ABC NEWSROOM

Frank Reynolds: The candidates disagreed on Iran; Bush saying the President was too indecisive while Mr. Kennedy felt he wasn’t decisive enough. And then Mr. Kennedy made a final statement.

INT. DEBATE HALL

TED KENNEDY stands at a podium.

Ted Kennedy: I want to speak! To all the people out there who never won anything — except perhaps, the New York primary? All the people who enter sweepstakes…

SUPER: EARLIER THIS WEEK

Ted Kennedy: Who send in coupons from their Sunday paper? The little people of this country, who don’t even feel they have a chance to win. Even though their being told by the President and the media and others that they may have already won. I want those people to feel for once in their lives that someone is achieving something on their behalf. I want to win this debate and use this victory as a platform to try to give new meaning to the word “third place finish”. To make that a position of power, a position of importance, to do things for people like me — the people tonight who are not being notified by mail that they are winners.

INT. ABC NEWSROOM

Reynolds shakes his head.

Frank Reynolds: Quite moving when you stop to think about it. With us in our Washington studios tonight to help evaluate the campaign is our Director of Polling — Oliver Selenko.

Reynolds turns his chair to a monitor displaying OLIVER SELENKO, who’s standing beside a chalkboard labeled VOTING SUB-GROUPS 1976 and a circle below it.

Frank Reynolds: Ollie, based on what we know now, and what we don’t yet know — how does a Reagan-Carter race stack up in November?

Oliver Selenko: Well Frank, to understand an election, you have to understand the groups who are voting. Different groups of people vote in different ways and some don’t vote at all.

The SCREEN fills up with Oliver’s story.

Oliver Selenko: Statistically, this concept is often illustrated with the pie chart.

SUPER: OLIVER SELENKO

Oliver Selenko: In which, the different influence of sub-groups can be shown. Let’s take, for example, the blacks, who voted for Carter in 1976. But now, not as likely to vote, they may account for only six percent of the voting margin — a very small slice of the overall pie.

Oliver smears a piece of pie into the circle.

Oliver Selenko: Now, on the other hand, take the middle-class Protestants. Not only are they numerically a large group-

Frank Reynolds (V/O): Now, you’re talking about raw numbers now? Right, Ollie?

Oliver Selenko: Naturally. But they also turn out in larger percentages. And that makes them more significant in the election pie.

Oliver smears a larger piece of pie into the circle.

Frank Reynolds: Ollie, with the ERA and all, women will be a significant factor in this Presidential race. Could you break them out as a separate group?

Oliver Selenko: No problem there, Frank. Women are the most significantly statistic group in the entire voting population, and I think our chart makes that abundantly clear.

Oliver smears a massive piece of pie into the circle.

Frank Reynolds: Well, Ollie, I know pollsters are a careful breed. Have you seen anything in your crystal ball on how these groups will actually vote in November?

Oliver Selenko: No, not much crystal ball work yet, Frank.

Oliver has pieces of pie which have ruined his suit and he tries to flick them off.

Frank Reynolds: Well, plenty of time of it for the months ahead. And so, in midpoint of the ’80 vote, to all those faces and voices we shall see no more, to Lyndon LaRouche, and Bob Dole, and Jerry Brown, and Phil Gramm, we…

Reynolds is handed a piece of paper.

Frank Reynolds: This just handed to me. “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Lord Douchebag

Noblewoman…..Laraine Newman
Nobleman…..Peter Aykroyd
Butler…..Garrett Morris
Lord Worchestershire…..Jim Downey
Lord Salisbury…..Harry Shearer
Lord Wilkinson…..Tom Davis
Lady Wilkinson…..Jane Curtin
Earl of Sandwich…..Bill Murray
Servant…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Lord Douchebag…..Buck Henry
Lady Douchebag…..Gilda Radner

[ SUPER: SALISBURY MANOR – 1730 ]

Noblewoman: What a splendid party! I do believe everyone of anyimportance in England is here tonight.

Nobleman: Who would miss a party given by Lord Salisbury?

Butler: [ waiting at the door for guests to arrive ] Lord and Lady Wilkinson!

Lord Worcestershire: A marvelous entertainment, Salisbury! These chopped steaks are terrific, especially with this delicious mushroom sauce.

Lord Salisbury: Thank you, Coming from you, Worcestershire, that certainly is a compliment. [ turns to his guests ] Lord and Lady Wilkinson, welcome!

Lord Worcestershire: Tell me, Wilkinson, what the deuce is the purpose of two swords?

Lord Wilkinson: It’s simple, really. Let’s say you’re an anattacker. My first blade straightens you upright, while the second clips you neatly at the ankles.

Lady Wilkinson: And there’s Lady Wilkinson, for attacking youropponent’s underarms and legs!

Butler: The Earl of Sandwich!

Nobleman: Tell me, have you seen Lord Cardigan?

Noblewoman: I understand he was turned away at the door..

Nobleman: Lord Cardigan? Why in heaven’s name?

Noblewoman: He wasn’t properly attired. Evidently, he came in asweater.

Nobleman: Odd. I saw Lord Ascot, and he got in..

Butler: The Duke and Duchess of Argyll!

Lord Worcestershire: You know, Sandwich.. were the Sandwich Islands named after you?

Earl of Sandwich: Oh, no. Everyone asks me that, but I’m afraidnothing has ever been named after a member of my family.

Servant: Excuse me, your Lordship, but would you care for one of Lord Salisbury’s steaks?

Earl of Sandwich: Yes, I would. Would you bring it to me with a couple slices of pumpernickel, please?

Servant: Yes. [ steps away ]

Butler: Lord and Lady Doucebag!

Lord Salisbury: Well, well, well.. I was just asking Lord Sandwich, “Where the devil are those Douchebags?”

Lady Doucebag: Well, it has been impossible to get him out of his workshop! He has been working day and night.

Lord Salisbury: You, Douchebag? Well, I wasn’t aware youdabbled in that sort of thing. What in heaven’s name are you working on?

Lord Doucebag: Well, I would be happy to tell you.. but perhapsafter you have finished eating.

Lord Salisbury: Well, here is Chambers right now. Would you like something to eat?

Lord Doucebag: We’re not too hungry right now – just a plate ofraw vegetables.

Lord Salisbury: Would you like some dresing with that?

Lady Doucebag: Just some vinegar and water, thank you.

Earl of Sandwich: Douchebag, how are you? I haven’t seen you in the House of Lords in ages! Don’t tell me for the first time in memory we are going to have a House of Parliament without a Douchebag?

Lord Doucebag: My dear Sandwich, Parliament has always had its share of Douchebags, and it always will.

Lord Salisbury: Spoken like a true Douchebag. I have often heard the King speak of your family.. [ to Earl of Sandwich ] ..and of yours, as well: “Give me a Sandwich and a Douchebag, and there is nothing I cannot do.”

Earl of Sandwich: Hear, hear!

Lord Salisbury: So, tell me, Douchebag.. when are you going to show us that invention of yours?

Earl of Sandwich: Yes, Douchebag, just what kind of an invention are you sitting on?

Lord Doucebag: Well, it’s a long story. Why don’t we go out to the garden, and I’ll explain it to you.

Earl of Sandwich: Tell me – did Lady Douchebag help you in theproject?

Lord Doucebag: Help? Why.. she was the inspiration!

[ they exit to the garden to discuss the wondrous invention ]

Butler: Lord Compost Heap and Lady Disinfectant Cake!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts