Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 20




















79t: Buck Henry / Andrew Gold, Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity

Trader Nick's

Nick "Lava".....Bill Murray
.....Paul Shaffer
Prince Amanawahu.....Akira Yoshimura
Iris de Flaminio.....Jane Curtin
Richard Posniak.....Buck Henry
Lenora Posniak.....Laraine Newman
Joe Daddy.....Al Franken
.....Yvonne Hudson
Farrell Jones.....Garrett Morris
Kathy Gorley.....Gilda Radner
Woman at bar.....Anne Beatts

[ open on interior, Trader Nick's, as Nick the Lounge Singer performs ]

Nick "Lava": [ singing ]
"He's a cop from Oaho, who gets lots of sun
Famous Steve McGarrett!
And he packs a gu-u-u-u-un!"


Come on, Paul!

"If you need his number
It's Hawaii Five-0!"

Thank you! Thank you! Welcome to Trader Nick's, a little bit of the Hawaiian Islands right here in the Buffalo-Niagara Falls area. I'm your host, Nick "Lava", and I'll be humping my volcano ash for you, for the next little while or so. Hot day today? I know I built up a Hawaiian-sized thirst. I hope you take advantage of our exotic Polynesian specialties here at Trader Nick's. THe man who put the "hi" in "Hawaiian", a full-blooded Hawaiian -- Prince Amanawahu. How you doing, Prince?

[ pan over to Prince Amanawahu working the blender ]

He's busy working his magic right now, so let's ask one of the prince's lovely barmaidens -- Princes Iris? [ Iris de Flaminio looks up ] Princess, would you point us down the dark road tonight?

Iris de Flaminio: [ husky-voiced ] Sure thing! For a night you may not remember, but you'll never forget... I recommend the Kamikazee or the Missionary's Downfall. But if you really want to get out of the blocks fast, try Trader Nick's specialty -- the Coconut Head Butter. It's got three different fruit juices and five ounces of Bacardi 1-5-1. I gotta serve the drinks, Nick.

Nick "Lava": [ laughing ] Yes, you do! And tell her why, Paul.

[ singing ]
Oh, you may be the ambassador to England or Paree, France
You might like to gamble down in Atlantic City, you might like to dance disco-style.
You might be like Mohammed Ali, the heavyweight champion of the world
Or you might be at Trader Nick's, serving insane guys and girls!
But you're gonna have to SERVE somebody!"

Iris de Flaminio: [ singing ] "SERVE somebody!"

Nick "Lava": And on a night like this, you young fellows are gonna have to TIP somebody, too! HUh?

Iris de Flaminio: TIP somebody, I'm SERIOUS!

Nick "Lava": [ singing ]
"You might be prince of a lifetime, or a couple of Navy frogs
But you're gonna have to serve somebodyyyy!"

Somebody... anybody... for heaven's sake! [ the room claps ] Hey! Aloha! Aloha, folks! How's it going? How are you?

Richard Posniak: Oh, I guess we're alright, this is our second Fog Cutter.

Nick "Lava": [ laughing ] What's your name, and where are you from?

Richard Posniak: I'm Mr. Richard Posniak, and we're from Room 208 in the Castle Court Motel, just across the highway. [ he holds up his room key ]

Lenora Posniak: I'm Lenora Posniak. We have three kids in the room who finally fell asleep, and we're here to forget the day!

Nick "Lava": [ chuckling ] Having trouble on the vacation or something, huh?

Lenora Posniak: [ aggravated ] It's not vacationing! We were relocated today from the Love Canal.

Nick "Lava": Well, I'll tell you... I've been following that story, and, you know, boy, I got a scare the other day. All of a sudden, I got one of these headaches in the back, everything tensed up, I started to go black, I thought: "Oh, my God! You know? Love Canal." And then I realized, I'd been chugging frozen coladas all day! So, you know, I just cut back on my pace, and I'm fine now.

Richard Posniak: Good for you, Nick. How would you like to buy a 3-bedroom house real cheap?

Nick "Lava": Hey -- another round of Fog Cutters for this couple. They're on Uncle Sam. This one's for you, huh? Let's do it. Hey, I hope you don't move in with those Cubans, that would really be too bad.

[ Nick stands and sings ]

"Kiss today goodbye
And forget about tomorrow.
You did what you had to doooooo
Won't regret!
Can't forget!
What you did for love.
What you did for love.
What you did for love."

Bless you. Thank you. [ to a group of high-schoolers ] Hey! What's happening over at this table?

Teens: [ chanting ]
"We're poison ivy!
It's our thing!
We do what we want to do!
Yayyyyyyyy, canker sores!"

Nick "Lava": Okay, calm down, fellows. We've been very nice about not checking ID tonight, so let's all behave and act like the nice mature, responsible adults I know you are. What's your name, fellow?

Joe Daddy: Joe Daddy, Co-Captain.

Nick "Lava": Okay. And who are you? Could you stand, please?

Yvonne Hudson: [ she stands ] Hi, I'm Yvonne Hudson, and this is my Love Jones!

Nick "Lava": Love Jones?

Farrell Jones: [ standing ] Yeah, that's right! Farrell Jones, Co-Captain and all-around love messenger! Uh, him and me, we're co-captains of the baseball and the, you know, the football team.

Joe Daddy: Yeah, he played shortshop and halfback, and, uh, I was catcher and monster man!

Nick "Lava": Well, that's great. Enjoy, enjoy. And who is this lovely queen? Could you stand, please, lady? How are you?

Kathy Gorley: [ standing ] I'm, uh, Kathy Gorley, Senior Prom Queen.

Nick "Lava": And how did you get to be the prom queen?

Kathy Gorley: How'd you get into show business, Trader?

Nick "Lava": Well, I wasn't elected unanimously! [ he laughs ] Well, you all nurse those Coconut Head Butters. Prom Night is a night to have fun, but let me tell you first sbout my prom, if you wnt to know about prom nights. I wrapped my old man's Impala around an oak tree. I walked away, but my fiancee rode shotgun -- she did not. The whole class went to her funeral two days later, it was a closed casket. So think about that later, on the way home. [ to Joe Daddy ] Do you have a theme for tonight's prom?

Joe Daddy: [ sobering up ] Uh... "Stairway to Heaven".

Nick "Lava": [ to Paul ] Do I know that? [ Paul hits the piano ] Yeah. Led Zeppelin, right? I guess you're probably a little too young to remember their first album, huh? "Communication Breakdown"? Well, enjoy. I'll try to do it anyway.

[ singing ]
"And as we wind on down the road!
Our shadows taller than our soul!
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show!
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last!
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to rolllllllllllllllllllllllllll!!

And she's... buying... a stairway... to heaven."

[ the crowd bursts into applause ]

Aloha! Aloha! Aloha! Enjoy.

[ camera pulls back on set, with SUPER: "Coming up next: Saturday Night Live Garage Sale" ]

[ fade ]


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