SNL Transcripts: Bob Newhart: 05/10/80

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 18

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

May 10th, 1980

Bob Newhart

The Amazing Rhythm Aces

Bruce Cockburn



Sarah Paley

Max Pross

Alan Zweibel

Pink Lady and CarlSummary:

Recurring Characters: Carl Sagan, Marvin Hamlisch.



Bob Newhart’s MonologueSummary: Bob Newhart performsstand-up about an early televised expedition to the Seven Lost Cities of the Incans.


The Dating ZoneSummary:

Recurring Characters: Iris de Flaminio, Colleen Fernman, Rod Serling.


The Amazing Rhythm Aces perform “Who Will the Next Fool Be” & “Third-Rate Romance”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary:


The LetterSummary: After soldier Jeremy Travers (Peter Aykroyd) dies in battle, Col. Jessup (Bob Newhart) promises to write his mother, but the time keeps getting away from him.

Bruce Cockburn performs “Wondering Where the Lions Are”

Dave’s Variety StoreSummary: Dave (Bob Newhart) and his wife Betty (Gilda Radner) run a store in which they have every ridiculous item in stock that customers happen to ask for.


The Mr. Bill ShowSummary: After “Mr. Bill Goes To Jail” for a framed bank robbery, he becomes Mr. Hands’ unwitting escape partner from Sing Sing Prison.


RestaurantSummary: Stan (Bob Newhart) is eager to marry Nadine (Jane Curtin) after a brief courtship, until she reveals that she’s only been slender since just before they started dating.



SNL Transcripts

The Hominids

The Hominids

Oakna…..Bill Murray
Weena…..Laraine Newman
Hominid #2…..Al Franken
Hominid #3…..Garrett Morris
Hominid #4…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Strange One…..Steve Martin
Mother Hominid…..Gilda Radner

Announcer: A million years ago, May 17, 998020 B.C., man’s remote ancestors, the Hominids, roamed the Savannahs of Africa. Of course, it would be easy to make fun of these precursors of modern man for their brutish appearance and sloppy eating habits, but we should remember that someday we too will have descendents much more advanced than ourselves. What will they think of today’s hamburger “joints” and “mod” Carnaby Street clothes? It is with this sense of humility that we present tonight’s docu-historama on: THE HOMINIDS.

Oakna: It has been a good day.

Mother Hominid: A good day! A good day!

Hominid #2: It sure has been a good day..

Hominid #3: Boy, I am full!

Hominid #4: I hope we eat this much tomorrow!

Mother Hominid: With Oakna as our Father Hunter, we will all have full bellies!

Strange One: [ eating banana ] Uh, say.. not to take anything away from Oakna, but, you know, we were lucky to scare off that lion and take its prey.

Oakna: [ interceding angrily ] The lion knew Oakna, and fled in fright. I am swift, and I am strong.

Strange One: Okay, okay, okay, okay..

Oakna: Now.. it is time to howl at the moon!

Hominid #2: Yes. We howl at moon.

Hominid #3: Yes.

Hominid #4: I will like that.

[ they all walk off, including Oakna, who dumbly steps into the fire and howls in pain ]

Strange One: Hey, Mom.. can I talk to you a second..?

[ the other Hominids can be heard offscreen howling at the moon ]

Mother Hominid: What is it, my Strange One?

Strange One: I don’t know, Mom.. it’s Oakna, he’s driving me crazy..

Mother Hominid: But he is our Father Hunter! He is swift and strong!

Strange One: I know. But he’s so stupid, and he lies constantly.

Mother Hominid: It is dangerous to talk that way about Oakna. I will not listen!

Strange One: Alright, alright.. I’ll draw a little bit. [ draws on rock as Weena pops out of cave ] Oh, hi, Weena, glad to see you!

Weena: You make me wet!

Strange One: Ah, well.. it’s very nice of you to say that. Listen.. I want to show you something.. [ draws the image of a bison on the rock ] How do you like this bison? Look at that!

Weena: [ frightened ] What bison?!

Strange One: Right here. Right here on the wall. You see, it’s got little eyes, and the legs here, and the tail..

Weena: [ screaming ] Oh, no! A bison! A bison!

Strange One: No, no! It’s just the image of a bison.

Weena: Ohhh.. it was scary! You were brave! [ giggles ]Weena want you! [ walks by the fire and shakes her tail for theStrange One ]

Strange One: Well.. okay, I’ll take a little of that! That would be nice..

[ Oakna stomps in, angry, and pulls Weena aside ]

Oakna: You do not get this!

Strange One: Hey, hey, hey! I didn’t do anything!

Oakna: The woman is mine! I am the FatherHunter! I am swift! I am strong!

Strange One: Hey, no one is questioning your swiftness or yourstrength here..

[ the Hominids return and sit in front of the fire ]

Hominid #2: Mmm.. Oakna, the fire is good!

Hominid #4: I like fire!

Oakna: Thank you. Tomorrow, the men will hunt! Perhaps the bison will die for us.

Strange One: Uh, Oakna.. since we’re on that subject again, I have a couple of ideas about the bison hunt I’d kind of like to share them with you. Now, I know you’re the leader, but I want you to hear me out on this, okay? Now, have you ever noticed how we’re always chasing the bison? The fact is, the bison is swifter than we are. Swifter even – and I say this with all due respect – swifter even than Oakna.

Oakna: [ interested ] Ye-e-es?

Strange One: So, come over here and look at this.. [ jumps to the ground to grab some rocks, as Oakna dumbly steps into the fire again and howls ] Let’s say that we represent the rocks – these rocks are us. Now, we’ll put them around in a circle, like this, and this.. [ holds up large rock ] ..will be the bison, alright? Now, whichever way the bison runs, he’ll run into one of us!

Oakna: [ pause ] We are not rocks.

Strange One: [ aghast ] Oh, you’re missing the point! This isso simple!

Hominid #3: Wa-ait.. do you mean that we make a circle around the bison?

Strange One: Yes!

Hominid #3: Oh.. so if the bison runs away from me, he will run to you?

Strange One: Yes!

Hominid #4: That is smart!

Oakna: You are smart. But I am swift. And I am..

Strange One: [ finishing his thought ] Strong.

Oakna: Yes. I am strong, and I am swift!

Strange One: Okay, you are swift and strong, and I am smart.. and, together, we can improve our lives. Perhaps, we can even stop wandering, and build permanent dwellings and domesticate animals. Why, we could then have leisure time to develop a system of symbols, and to record events and communicate ideas, creating a civilization beyond our wildest imagination.

Oakna: You are smart. But it is late, and we must sleep, so tomorrow we can begin on this work.

Good. We must sleep. Yes, let’s hit the dirt. We did good.

Strange One: Yes.

[ everyone spreads out on the ground and falls asleep ]

Oakna: [ sits and watches the Strange One fall asleep behind a rock, then picks up a bigger rock and holds it over the Strange One ] I am strong! [ pounds the Strange One with rock, killing him ] And now, I am smart [ smiles happily, and dumbly steps into the fire once more, burning his foot ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bob Newhart: 05/10/80: Pink Lady and Carl

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 18

79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

Pink Lady and Carl

Carl Sagan…..Harry Shearer
Mie…..Laraine Newman
Kei…..Gilda Radner
Marvin Hamlisch…..Paul Shaffer
…..Howard Johnson
…..Lou Marini
…..David Sanborn
…..Howard Shore

Announcer: [ over SCROLL ] “During the past few months, NBC has brought you new television experiences in live music and live theater. Tonight, live from Studio 8H, NBC presents a new concept in public service informational programming, featuring the distinguished television scientist, Dr. Carl Sagan.

[ dissolve to Carl Sagan ]

Carl Sagan: Good evening! I’m Dr. Carl Sagan. [ the audience applauds ] Thank you! Thank you so much. And these are my two new and very good friends Mie and Kei… the remarkable Pink Lady! [ Mei and Kei surround Sagan as he wraps his arms around them ] And we are “Pink Lady and Carl”!

[ title card appears as the girls bow ]

Carl Sagan: Thank you. Tonight, the girls and I are going to explore some of the mysteries of this thing we call The Universe. [ to the girls ] Isn’t that right?

Mie: Yes! We can’t wait to find out all about time and space!

Kei: Like where’s our parking space… and what time we have to be here!

Carl Sagan: Hardly something! You know, one of the questions that’s been most baffling to astronomers — and one that fascinated me, until I got kind of busy — is the story of how the universe itself originated. It’s the science of cosmology, and here to help us to explain the nature of existence… is a close, personal friend of the entire universe — Mr. Marvin Hamlisch!

[ Marvin Hamlisch appears from behind a rotating facade of the set ]

Marvin Hamlisch: Hi, Carl!

Carl Sagan: Marvin, have you met Mie and Kei?

Marvin Hamlisch: [ sniffling ] Yes, as a matter of fact we… we met backstage in Make-Up! They were getting blusher applied to their sushi! You know what I mean?

Kei: My boy-friend took me to see mo-vie you did mu-sic for — “The Stink”!

Marvin Hamlisch: That’s “The Sting“. You know, I’m an important man in this business. Take it easy, or you’ll be back opening shopping centers in Hakido!

Carl Sagan: [ holding up a homemade atom ] Say, uh, Marvin — you know waht this is, of course?

Marvin Hamlisch: Oh… of course. It’s the atom. But… but what does this have to do with the universe, Dr. Sagan?

Carl Sagan: Well, a few years ago, astronomers, using new, very sensitive x-ray telescopes, picked up radio waves that were older than anything else ever recorded by man. Now, what we now think is this radio noise… is the explosion left over from the original Big Bang… that formed our cosmos. vI thought they were formed b North American Soc-cer League!

Mie: Not Cos-mos, stu-pid! — The Cos-mos!

Carl Sagan: Aren’t they something! Now, this Big Bang Theory of the universe is the one that’s most popular with scientists right now.

Kei: Oh, yes! Carl… we have that in Jap-an!

Carl Sagan: You do?

Mie: Sure! That what happens when a bullet train hit a daschund!

Carl Sagan: Well… not really. But here’s Marvin with Mie and Kei to illustrate an idea that may be equally as valid as the Big Bang Theory of the universe. It’s the… Big Band Theory.

[ Hamlisch sits behind his piano and plays, as Mie and Kei climb on top and dance ]

[ members of the SNL Band and perform a jazz-rock version of Deodato’s “Also Sprach Zarathustra” ]

Carl Sagan: [ clapping ] That is remarkable, Marvin! Remarkable girls. Just remarkable.

Marvin Hamlisch: Thank you. Thank you. But I’ve still got one question, Doctor…

Carl Sagan: Well, what is it?

Marvin Hamlisch: Well… Is the universe expanding forever? …Or will the whole process reverse itself one day, and… turn itself around and everything start to get smaller?

Carl Sagan: Well, that’s the… muckingly intriguing thing, Marvin! We… just don’t know!

Marvin Hamlisch: Well, gee… if YOU don’t know, I’d better get out of here!

Mie: Oh, what your hurry, Marvin?

Marvin Hamlisch: Well… I’d hate not to win another Oscar before this whole mishiga starts shrinking, you know what I mean?

Carl Sagan: Marvin, I know that, in all seriousness, you actually have to go tape a cerebral palsy special. Thank you for dropping by.

Marvin Hamlisch: Hey, wait a minute — I didn’t get to mention that I wrote the theme of “Good Morning, America”…

Carl Sagan: [ pushing Marvin away ] Marvin Hamlisch! What a guy! Well, you know, next week we’ll explore the surprising detective story of unraveling the development of human intelligence, with our special guests: Erik Estrada and Gloria Loring.

Mie: Oh, Carl! You know… we like you!

Kei: Yes! You are very smart!

Carl Sagan: Well… thank you, girls. [ he laughs ] You’re smart, too! Uh — before we go, is there anything else you know how to say in English?

Mie & Kei: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday… Night?”

SNL Transcripts

Steve Martin’s Monologue

Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: Do I look okay? I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “Hey. Where has Steve been? Haven’t seen him on ‘Saturday Night Live’ in a while..” [ chuckles ] They want me. They call me every week to do the show. But I have been holding out for a little bit of this.. [ rubs his fingers together ] And so the calls fly back and forth, and I made a deal, and I’m very happy to be here tonight. I wish I’d asked for money instead of a little bit of this.. [ rubs his fingers together again ]

You probably heard I was into the comedy thing. Kind of getting out of that now.. into a little more serious deal. And so that’s why right now I’d like to talk about “What.. I.. Believe..”

[ heavy music starts to play ]

“What I Believe.”

I believe in rainbows and puppy dogs and fairy tales.

And I believe in the family – Mom and Dad and Grandma.. and Uncle Tom,who waves his penis.

And I believe 8 of the 10 Commandments.

And I believe in going to church every Sunday, unless there’s a game on.

And I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome and natural things.. that money can buy.

And I believe it’s derogatory to refer to a woman’s breasts as “boobs”, “jugs”, “winnebagos” or “golden bozos”.. and that you should only refer to them as “hooters”.

And I believe you should put a woman on a pedestal.. high enough so youcan look up her dress.

And I believe in equality, equality for everyone.. no matter how stupidthey are, or how much better I am than they are.

And, people say I’m crazy for believing this, but I believe that robots are stealing my luggage.

And I believe I made a mistake when I bought a 30-story 1-bedroom apartment.

And I believe the Battle of the Network Stars should be fought with guns.

And I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was – an arctic region covered with ice.

And, lastly, I believe that of all the evils on this earth, there is nothing worse than the music you’re listening to right now. That’s what I believe.

We’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bob Newhart: 05/10/80: The Dating Zone

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 18

79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

The Dating Zone

Jim Lange…..Bill Murray
Iris de Flaminio…..Jane Curtin
Shonda The Cat Lady…..Laraine Newman
Colleen Fernman…..Gilda Radner
Don Johnson…..Bob Newhart
Rod Serling…..Harry Shearer

[ open on game show set, “Spanish Flea” playing, as Jim Lange rushes onstage ]

Jim Lange: Hello, out there! I’m Jim Lange, and I hope you’re ready to play America’s favorite past time — “The Dating Zone”! Before I introduce tonight’s lucky bachelor, why don’t we get to know tonight’s three lucky bachelorettes? And heeeeeeee’re they arrrrrrrre!

[ the set slowly swivels around to reveal tonight’s three bachelorettes ]

Jim Lange: Bachelorette #1 hails from The Bronx, New York — she collects swizzle sticks and cocktail napkins; a former go-go dancer, she hopes one day to be a go-go dancer again; meet: Iris de Flaminio!

Bachelorette #2 comes to us from Marina del Ray — she enjoys decorating with snakes and piercing delicate tissue with hot-rinse precision tools, with whipped potatoes from 50 feet; let’s say Hello to Shonda the Cat Lady!

And Bachelorette #3 is the Mata Hari of the group — we don’t know where she’s from, and she doesn’t know where she’s from; her hobbies are staring and trying to milk animals that don’t give milk; her favorite vegetable is herself, just kidding! Let’s meet Colleen Fernman!

Now, it’s time to meet the lucky guy who gets to score with one of these luscious lovelies — and I don’t mean Poise! [ he guffaws at his joke ] Let’s make him feel welcome — Don Johnson!

[ Don steps out relunctantly, carrying a bag of groceries ]

Jim Lange: Well, Don, I guess you’re just rarin’ to go!

Don Johnson: [ confused ] I — uh — see, I don’t belong here. This, uh — there’s been some mistake. I-I-I need to get back home, my wife’s waiting for me.

Jim Lange: It looks like loverboy’s got a case of the jitters! Okay, Don — have you got your prepared questions? [ he takes Don’s groceries ]

Don Johnson: Mmm… uh — no.

Jim Lange: Well, look in your breast pocket there!

[ Don begins to fish through his pockets, as “The Twilight Zone” music plays and the camera pans over to a dark stage with Rod Serling standing in the middle ]

Rod Serlinge: Meet Don Johnson. He’s an ordinary man who goes out to pick up a few groceries for his wife. On his way home, he innocently accepts a free ticket to a TV game show, and finds himself trapped in a nightmare for which there is… no escape. Soon, he will be forced to choose between… [ slow pan across the bachelorettes ] Bachelorette #1, a sagging, burned-out boozehound; or Bachelorette #2, a bizarre deviant with a talent for torture; or Bachelorette #3, a woman-child whose mind swims with wisps of a life once pathetic… now tragic. Poor Don Johnson. He has just stumbled into… “The Dating Zone.”

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ dissolve back to game show set ]

Jim Lange: Alright, Don “Juan” Johnson! Let’s let the good times roll with the first question!

Don Johnson: [ looking at the card in his hand ] Do I — do I have to read this?

Jim Lange: [ laughing ] Oh, come on, come on!

Don Johnson: You don’t understand — I-I love my wife.

Jim Lange: [ guffawing ] Come on!

Don Johnson: Alright, uh — [ reading the card ] “Bachelorette #1: If I were an ice cream cone… what would you do to me, and what flavor would you want me to be?” [ he grimaces ]

Iris de Flaminio: I would let you get HOT and MELT… and then I’d catch the driplets with my tongue. And I would hope that you’d be Rum Raisin!

Don Johnson: [ disturbed ] Oh… okay. [ reading next card ] Uh — “Bachelorette #2: What are the three things you’d consider essential for a great date?”

Shonda the Cat Lady: Uhhhh — uh, let’s see, um… manacles… raw meat… and, let’s see… a makeshift plywood pillory. Yeah.

[ Jim guffaws loudly and touches his wrist with a sizzle ]

Don Johnson: Who is — who is that? What’s she talking about?

Jim Lange: [ laughing ] Don, you’re just gonna have to wait and find out! Come on, come on!

Don Johnson: [ reading ] Uh — “Bachelorette #3: What animal would you say you are most like?”

[ Colleen bounces her head in every direction without saying a word ]

Don Johnson: Bachelorette #3? What animal would you say you are most like?

[ Colleen continues to bounce her head in every direction without saying a word ]

Don Johnson: #3? Is someone there?

Jim Lange: [ enjoying this ] In a way, yeah!

Don Johnson: Uh — #2: What animal?

Shonda the Cat Lady: Um — what’s that insect that bites the head off its mate during sex? You know the one? Um…

Don Johnson: Uh — a praying mantis?

Shonda the Cat Lady: Oh! Yeah. Yeah.

Don Johnson: Num– Number — #1?

Iris de Flaminio: I know this doesn’t exactly answer the question, but, in all honesty, I’d just like to sincerely say that I could show you a good time, sexually. I get a lot of guys who stay right through to the morning!

Don Johnson: Look, I’m — I’m — I’m a happily married man.

Jim Lange: Well, I don’t think these babes really give a hot damn whether you’re married or not, Don! So just go on and ask that next question, alright?

Don Johnson: Uh — [ he reads the card ] “Bechelorette #3: If you were doing a crossword puzzle, and you needed a 5-letter word for “Cat”, beginning with “P” and ending with “Y” –”

[ the theme music pots up ]

Jim Lange: Uh-oh! The time is up! Now, while Don decides, let’s hear some of the PRIZES our runners-up will receive! Don Pardo?

Announcer: Well, Jim — how about those Lapkiss Lucite Bar Stools? [ product slid appears ] The bar stools you LOVE to sit on! Or — [ new product slide appears ] How about a complete set of handsome Mexican Tourister Luggage? And, last but not least — [ new product slide appears ] An elegant Blt Buckle Hole Punch Kit by Fleschmaker! IF it’s a hole by Flaschmaker… you KNOW it’s not there!

[ dissolve back to Jim Lange ]

Jim Lange: Thank you, Don Pardo! And now the time of reckoning is upon us! Will it be… Bachelorette #1… Bachelorette #2… or Bachelorette #3?

Don Johnson: I — I can’t decide. I don’t want any of them. I — I mean, I don’t date!

Jim Lange: Well, now you do, Don! So, go on — make a selection.

Don Johnson: Uh — [ he shrugs ] Num– Number Three.

Jim Lange: Congratulations, #3! Come on, Don — let’s meet the bachelorettes you didn’t meet. Bachelorette #1: Say Hello to Iris de Flaminio! Coem on ot here, Iris!

Iris de Flaminio: [ stepping down ] You’ll NEVER know what you’re missing! You’re probably KICKING yourself right now, huh? [ she smacks Don playfully across the chest ]

Jim Lange: [ laughing ] And Bachelorette #2: Shonda the Cat Lady!

Shonda the Cat Lady: [ stepping down ] If you change your mind, I’ve got some tongue clamps back at my place!

Jim Lange: [ laughing ] You’re a good sport! And now, let’s meet our lucky winner — your date-to-be: Bachelorette #3! She’s a real space cadet, and hopes someday to have a personality! Meet Colleen Fernman! Colleen! [ she stretches out in her seat and glances around aimlessly ] Cooleen Fernman! [ she steps off in the wrong direction ] Colleen! [ she steps in the other direction ] Colleen Fernman! Come here, Colleen! [ she finally steps down ] Colleen Fernman! Colleen! [ she bumps into Don ] Ha, what a couple! You really look good together! [ she nuzzles against Don ] Well, I hope you both like to DANCE, because you’re gonna boogie ’til you DROP to the disco beat of Jerry Kravat’s Disco Orchestra in the revolving restaurant high atop the Holiday Inn in lovely Bakersfield, California! [ the audience cheers ] Oh, boy! Alright, you all ready to blow a big kiss? Alright?

[ Jim Lange blows a wet kiss to the audience and laughs, as the words “WET KISS” fly onto the screen ]

[ dissolve back to Rod Serling ]

Rod Serling: Submitted for your approval: Don Johnson, oppression’s minion… tyranny’s good sport. He accepted a free ticket and paid with his future. Now, he’s locked in an eternal hell fate… [ Colleen wanders past Serling ] In “The Dating Zone”!

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/17/80: Reagan Dinner

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 19

79s: Steve Martin / 3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney

Reagan Dinner

Stephanie…..Laraine Newman
Ronald Reagan…..Harry Shearer
Niles…..Bill Murray
Ed…..Steve Martin
Nancy Reagan…..Jane Curtin
Waiter…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[ open on restaurant setting, zoom in on table of Governor Ronald Reagan and his party ]

Stephanie: Governor, what do you think of President Carter’s policy on the influx of Cuban refugees?

Ronald Reagan: Well, I’d say the answer to that is… Maybe it’s time we put President Carter on welfare.

[ the group laughs ]

Niles: Governor, that’s very glib, but if my paper is going to endorse you in the Primary, we’ll need more than just cute one-liners.

Ed: Now, Niles, be fair — the man hasn’t finished his dinner yet, and already you want a State of the Union Address!

Stephanie: Well, I think Niles sometimes underestimates the value of a good one-liner. I mean, that’s what viewers seem to remember most about our newscasts — a good kicker line! I mean, we had one the other night. I think it was, uh… It was raining this month, too, and we had… we were doing a special series on how to lose weight. And my co-anchorperson, Bob Hawkins, just ad-libbed this line: “The more weight you lose… [ thinking ] the less of you there is to sweat!” Well, I want to tell you that switchboard went CRAZY! And the crew, of course… well, they loved it!

Ronald Reagan: [ smiling ] That’s great.

Niles: Governor, I know we don’t have you very much longer…

Ronald Reagan: No, and I’m sorry about that, but you know how tightly they schedule your time once it becomes pretty obvious that… you’re gonna win. Everybody wants a little piece of you. I think next time’s supposed to be at a potato festival in Boise!

Ed: Uh, Governor, for your own reference, the next appearance is at a Lion’s Club dinner in Seattle. The Potato Festival was last week.

Ronald Reagan: Oh, yes… yes, yes, that’s right. Nancy, that was where you sat on that cottage fry, wasn’t it, Mommy?

Nancy Reagan: No, dear, that was Denver.

Ronald Reagan: Yes… well. That’s substantially what I said.

Niles: Well, Governor, what about the hostages? Now, if we don’t back down… do we bomb our way in?

Ronald Reagan: Well, sir… I kind of look at it this way: Maybe it’s time we put the Ayatollah Khomeini on welfare!

[ the group laughs ]

Stephanie: Well, Governor, that would be one welfare mother we could do without, huh?

Ronald Reagan: [ he chuckles ] I think so!

Ed: Uh, on that note, I think we’re gonna have to blow the whistle here. But please be our guest for dinner, alright? [ he grabs the bill ]

Niles: No, no… we went over that before, Ed. Our paper has a policy that we never go out on anybody’s tab.

Ed: Now, come on — even the next President’s?

Niles: Anybody’s. Let’s divvy up the bill instead. [ he takes out some cash ]

Stephanie: I’m just thinking… I wonder if our station has a policy on that? [ Niles turns away ] I guess we do.

Ronald Reagan: Well… I had the uh, veal cordon bleu, and Mommy had the salmon tips, and, uh, if we split the wine, that would put us at about thirty dollars.

Ed: Uh, sir, if I remember correctly, you had the steak, Stephanie had the veal.

Ronald Reagan: Oh… yes.

Stephanie: Oh, that’s right! The man is so convincing, you know? I forgot what I had! It’s amazing, it really — it’s a gift!

Ronald Reagan: Well, then, Ed, uh… I guess, as I recall, the steak — I have a kind of mind for these kind of trivial figures. I think it wwas $5.95, wasn’t it?

Ed: Uh, sir… just to err on the side of accuracy, the steak was $12.75.

Ronald Reagan: [ laughing ] Well, you know, if you run for President every four years, you don’t often pay for your own steak!

Niles: [ handing money over ] Well, here’s $20 — that should cover me.

Stephanie: [ handing money over ] Yeah, here’s $20 for me — I should get three back.

Ronald Reagan: [ handing money over ] Here you go, Ed – that’s for me and Mommy!

Ed: [ hands money to Stephanie ] Here’s three back. [ he looks up ] Waiter?

[ the Waiter comes over to collect the bill ]

Ronald Reagan: [ to his party ] I just want to re-emphasize, once again, how unjust it is that Vietnam veterans are NOT eligible for the G.I. Bill. Now, Mr. Carter has had FOUR years —

Waiter: Uh, excuse me for eavesdropping, but… my brother is a Vietnam vet, and, uh, the G.I. Bill put him through Med School. [ he walks off ]

Ronald Reagan: Well… maybe we ought to put the Maitre’d on welfare! [ the group is silent ] Well, I’m not gonna give you a little speech about how you should endorse me in the Primary. I think you two can make up your own minds about what’s best for the people of Oregon.

Niles: Yes, sir.

Ronald Reagan: But I can tell you one thing: That check would have been a lot smaller… if this state didn’t impose a sales tax on its people. Well… good meeting you, Niles. [ he shakes Niles’ hand ] All my best, Stephanie. [ he shakes Stephanie’s hand ]

Stephanie: Thank you.

Ronald Reagan: Come on, Mommy! We don’t want to keep those Potato Heads waiting!

Ed: [ getting up ] We’ll check back in a few days, folks. If there’s anything we can do, please give us a call, alright? Thank you. Good bye.

Ronald Reagan: Good bye.

Nancy Reagan: Bye.

Ed: Let’s go.

[ Ed leads Mr. and Mrs. Reagan out of the restaurant ]

Stephanie: Niles, Oregon doesn’t have a sales tax, do we?

Niles: No.

Stephanie: I didn’t think so. God, it’s amazing!

Niles: [ steamed ] Yes. It is.

Stephanie: I mean, the man looks TEN YEARS younger in person, don’t you think?

[ Stephanie exits the booth, as Niles gives her a furrowed look ] [ camera pans out on set, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Steosexuality” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Time Warner Cable Packages | Special Cable TV Promotions |

SNL Transcripts: Bob Newhart: 05/10/80: Dave’s Variety Store

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 5: Episode 18

79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

Dave’s Variety Store written by: Matt Neuman

Dave…..Bob Newhart
Betty….Gilda Radner
Pete…..Bill Murray
Ruth…..Laraine Newman
Harry…..Harry Shearer
Mrs. Parker…..Jane Curtin
Tom…..Tom Davis
Garrett…..Garrett Morris
Isaac Stern’s nephew…..Paul Shaffer
Alan…..Alan Zweibel

[ open on interior, Dave’s Varuety Store, as the phone rings ]

Dave: [ answering phone ] Hello! Dave’s Variety Store. Oh, hi, Katie. No, things are kinda slow today. As a matter of fact, your mom and I were thinking of closing up soon. I will. Good night, sweetheart. [ he hangs up ]

Betty: [ entering from back room ] I, uh, put those boxes out in the back, honey.

Dave: Oh, good, we could use the room.

[ Pete and Ruth enter the shop ]

Ruth: Hi!

Pete: Hi, Dave. Hi, Betty.

Dave: Hey, hi, Pete! Hi, Ruth! How are you two today?

Ruth: Terrific!

Pete: Yeah, everything’s just fine, Dave. Say, Dave — would you have any of those… [ miming with his hands ] glass prisms? You know, those things that you hold up to the sunlight, and it breaks the light into rainbows?

Dave: [ thinking ] Yeah… yeah, I think we do.

Betty: Yeah! How many do you want, Pete?

Pete: Oh, two would be great, Betty.

Betty: Oh. [ she grabs two glass prisms ] There you go.

Pete: Hey, what do I owe you for these?

Dave: Uh… let’s say five dollars.

Pete: [ taking out his money ] That’s all I’ve got! Great! Thanks, Dave!

Ruth: Maybe we’ll get together this weekend?

Betty: Oh, I’ll give you a call! [ she wraps up the glass prisms ]

Ruth: Oh, great!

Pete: Thanks again!

[ Pete and Ruth exit ]

Dave: Honey, why don’t we go to a restaurant tonight?

Betty: Oh, not tonight, Dave. I mean, I just have that half-a-roast in the refrigerator.

[ Harry enters the shop ]

Dave: Hi. What can I do for you?

Harry: Well, I’ve been running all over town trying to find a copy of “Oh My Pappa” by Eddie Fisher. Any chance that you would have it?

Dave: Sure… sure, we got it. [ to Betty ] Honey, you know where “Oh, My Pappa” is, don’t you?

Betty: Oh, I’ll get it! [ she exits to the back room ]

Dave: Been having a hard time finding that record, huh?

Harry: Oh, you wouldn’t believe it! I mean, not one store has had it in stock in twenty years. The darn thing’s been out-of-stock since 1956!

Betty: [ re-enters with the record ] Here you go!

Harry: [ examining it ] You really do have it! That’s amazing! How much is it?

Dave: Uh — four dollars.

Harry: Sounds good to me! [ he pays ] Wait’ll my wife hears this!

Betty: [ she hands him his change ] There you go.

Harry: Thank you! [ he exits ]

Betty: Oh, uh, Dave? Did I tell you that Mrs. Parker called?

Dave: [ glancing outside ] Speak of the Devil!

[ Mrs. Parker enters ]

Dave: Hi, Mrs. Parker!

Mrs. Parker: Hey!

Dave: We were just talking about you.

Mrs. Parker: [ pleased ] Oh! Is it ready?

Dave: As ready as it’ll ever be. [ she giggles, as he pulls up a balloon ] Here you go — a pink balloon filled with pretzels. It was pretzels?

Mrs. Parker: [ examinging it ] Ohhh, yes… yes, it’s wonderful! I don’t know what I would do without you two.

Betty: Oh, you’re sweet, Mrs. Parker!

Dave: You, uh — you want me to put this on your account, of course?

Mrs. Parker: Mmm-hmm. Well, I’ll see you again soon, which will be the next time Ray lets me take the car! [ she exits, as Dave chuckles heartily ]

Betty: She’s something, isn’t she?

Dave: A real lulu!

Betty: Now it’s pink balloons!

Dave: [ he chuckles ] Honey, uh — do we have to have that roast tonight?

[ Tom steps up and clears his throat, as Betty points him out ]

Dave: Uh — yes, sir?

Tom: Yeah, uh… I was curious — do you have a machine to wash dirty poker chips? [ he pulls chips from his pocket ]

Dave: Y-yes, we do. But it shuts down at five o’clock, and it’s almost six now.

Tom: Oh.

Dave: Uh — unless you’re interested in buying a machine.

Tom: No, no, no… I can come back tomorrow. What I was really interested in was, uh — do you have a large medieval crossbow made out of white chocolate?

Dave: I, uh, I believe so. Uh, Betty, get me that chocolate crossbow — the white chocolate.

Betty: Oh. Right.

Dave: It’s wrapped in foil!

Betty: Uh-huh!

Dave: I hope you don’t mind?

Tom: No, are you kidding? What do I owe you for this?

Dave: That’ll be, uh, nineteen dollars and fifty-seven cents.

Tom: Yeah… yeah. [ he hands over his money ]

Dave: Okay.

Betty: [ returns ] Here you go!

Tom: Ahhhh!

Betty: Good eating to ya’!

Tom: Great!

Dave: [ hands over his change ] Here you go.

Tom: Thank you very much! [ he exits ]

Betty: Dave, uh — there’s only two of the white chocolate ones left.

Dave: Oh, boy… Okay, I’d better order some more. How are we doing on the, uh, bittersweet ones?

Betty: Oh, that’s okay — we’re alright on the bittersweet.

[ Garrett enters ]

Dave: Yes, sir?

Garrett: Yeah. [ he pulls out a shopping list ] Uh, here we go, let’s see… oh, here! Here it is! [ reading ] I’d like one dead turtle, frozen in a block of ice… Uh… and

Dave: [ glancing back ] Honey, you want to bring out the frozen turtle?

Betty: Right! [ she exits into the storeroom ]

Garrett: I want a half-a-television… Isaac Stern’s nephew… a square basketball… a #4 pencil… a dozen Dewey buttons…

Dave: [ chuckling ] Whoa, whoa! You gotta go one item at a time here! Uh — that was half a TV?

Garrett: Yeah, yeah… half a television.

Dave: [ reaching under the counter ] Okay, here you go… [ he pulls up half of a television ] Got that right there.

Garrett: Oh, yeah, yeah!

Dave: Okay, and, uh… Isaac Stern’s nephew.

Garrett: Isaac Stern’s nephew, yep!

Dave: [ calling out ] Honey, while you’re down there, bring up the Stern kid, will ya’?

Betty: Dave! Dave! Which one?

Dave: Oh! Uh, I forgot to ask you — Jeff or Mark?

Garrett: Oh! Jeff! Definitely Jeff, man!

Dave: [ calling out ] Jeff!

Betty: Alright!

Garrett: I want the label.

Dave: And that was…?

Garrett: A #4… no, no, I changed my mind. Give me — instead of the #4 pencil — uh, give me two square basketballs.

Dave: You’re the customer!

Garrett: Right. Yeah.

[ Dave places two square basketballs on the counter ]

Dave: Here you go.

Betty: [ returns with Isaac Stern’s nephew in tow ] Okay! Here you go, Sir! He’s a little dusty, but… [ she laughs ]

Dave: I hope you got $32 on you, because that’s what all this is gonna come to.

Garrett: Oh, I do… and I am very glad to pay it! [ he hands over his money ]

Dave: Come again.

Betty: Uh — here, Sir, I’ll help you with the Stern kid. Come on.

Garrett: Thank you very much.

Isaac Stern’s Nephew: So long, folks!

Betty: There you go.

Isaac Stern’s Nephew: Bye bye.

Betty: You have a car?

Garrett: Yeah, we got it. [ he exits ]

Betty: Alright. Bye bye. [ to Dave ] God knows what he’s gonna do with that frozen turtle!

Dave: [ laughing ] You know what, Betty? It’s, uh… We should close up.

Betty: Yeah. Well, you’d better call the distributor before we leave, we’re getting low on a few things.

Dave: Yeah.

[ as Betty flips the Open-Closed sign around, Alan tries to enter the shop ]

Betty: Sir, I’m terribly sorry — we’re closed!

Alan: [ frantic ] I need one thing — please, I need one thing. Please?

Betty: Well, what? What?

Alan: I need a propeller beanie. Please! I need it bad!

Betty: Propeller beanie?

Alan: Yeah.

Betty: [ she grabs one ] Alright, here you go. It’s right there.

Alan: [ he spins the propeller, then places the beanie over his head ] Oh, this is terrific! Oh, great.

Betty: Uh — two dollars.

Alan: [ he pays ] Thanks a lot, lady! Thanks a lot. [ he exits ]

Betty: You’re welcome. Uh-huh. Bye bye. [ she locks the door ]

Dave: [ on the phone ] Yeah — television halves… #4 pencils… uh, Dewey buttons, and, uh, I think that’s about it.

Betty: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait… Let me speak to Arnie for a minute.

Dave: Hold on, Arnie! [ he hands the phone over ]

Betty: Uh-huh. Arnie, uh, we’re gonna need some more of those propeller beanies. [ Dave chuckles ] Yeah, okay. [ she hands the phone back to Dave ]

Dave: Right, Arnie, that’s it. Oh! Uh, Arnie? Are you still there? Yeah, hold on. Just a… just a hunch, Arnie — yeah, listen, do you still have those inflatable Chet huntleys? Yeah, give me about half a dozen. Thanks, Arnie! [ he hangs up ]

Betty: Oh, Dave! You certainly are hot tonight!

Dave: [ laughing ] Well, come on — let’s go eat, honey.

Betty: It was sort of quiet today, huh?

Dave: Well, it’ll pick up tomorrow!

Betty: Yeah!

[ they exit to the back, as the camera pulls back on the set, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Peacockmania” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/17/80: Real Incredible People

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 5: Episode 19

79s: Steve Martin / 3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney

Real Incredible People

Chet Napes…..Steve Martin
Amelia Kane…..Gilda Radner
Bob Lylo…..Bill Murray
Buddy Bishop…..Harry Shearer
Marsha Craven…..Laraine Newman
…..Akira Yoshimura
Lucia Newell…..Jane Curtin
Willis Gaston…..Garrett Morris
Man in Audience #1…..Max Pross
Man in Audience #2…..Jim Downey
Woman in Audience…..Jean Doumanian
Man in Audience #3…..Tom Gammill

[ open on shot of audience members in the studio balcony ]

Announcer: And now, it’s time for “Real Incredible People”! [ title card zooms in ] The show that believes that real people are incredible!

[ dissolve to stage ]

Announcer: And now, here’s our “Real Incredible People” people: Chet Napes! [ Chet runs on stage ] Amelia Kane! [ Amelia runs on stage ] Bob Lylo! [ Bob runs through the audience to stage ] Buddy Bishop! [ Buddy runs on stage ] Marsha Craven! [ Marsha runs on stage ]

Chet Napes: Tonight on “Real Incredible People”, we’ll visit a man who has never opened his mail!

[ wipe to image of man seated on couch surrounded by unopened mail ]

Amelia Kane: Then, we’ll look at a woman who had the shape of her nose surgically altered!

[ wipe to image of woman facing sideways with a mismatched nose ]

Bob Lylo: And we’ll show you a man who gets around in what he calls… an electric wheelchair!

[ wipe to image of old man sitting peacefully in an electric wheelchair ]

Buddy Bishop: Then, we’ll be visiting a woman who owns… FOURTEEN DOGS!

[ wipe to image of woman with fourteen dogs on leashes ]

Marsha Craven: And we’ll be talking to a man who likes to dress up like a woman and have sex with other men!

[ wipe to image of man dressed as woman ]

Chet Napes: BUt before we meet those REAL INCREDIBLE people, our first incredible guest is a man who really knows the meaning of… Stick-to-it-ivness!

Buddy Bishop: That’s right, Chet! He’s a man who talks softly… and carries TWO sticks!

Amelia Kane: But… they aren’t big!

Marsha Craven: He uses them to eat… RAW FISH!

Bob Lylo: Did you say raw fish, Marsha?

Marsha Craven: That’s right! But don’t take my word for it!

[ Oriental music plays, as we dissolve to Akira Yoshimura eating sushi ]

Marsha Craven V/O: Akira Yoshimura eats fish using two sticks made from a tree. The fish isn’t even cooked! It’s RAW!! [ the panel groans and oohs ] Even though Mr. Yoshimura can use a knife and a fork, he says he prefers eating with the two small sticks!

Buddy Bishop: That is hard to believe! Gosh, Marsha, when you were doing the story, did you eat any of the raw fish with the two sticks?

Marsha Craven: Well… I got as far as picking up the fish with the two sticks, but I didn’t eat any!

[ the panel laughs ]

Chet Napes: He was a REAL incredible person, Marsha, but perhaps not as incredible as our next REAL INCREDIBLE PERSON!

Amelia Kane: She does something EVERY NIGHT!

Buddy Bishop: In bed!

Bob Lylo: Before she goes to sleep.

Marsha Craven: Something in bed every night… before she goes to sleep!

Buddy Bishop: Have we made you think it’s sex? [ he chuckles heartily ] Well, it isn’t!

[ the panel laughs ]

Amelia Kane: No! But this woman actually READS every night before she goes to sleep!

[ dissolve to Lucia Newell happily reading in bed ]

Amelia Kane V/O: EVERY Night, for the last eight years — and EVERY night except one, for the past fifteen years — Lucia Newell has read at least one chapter of a book, or an ENTIRE magazine, before going to sleep! [ the panel is impressed ] Excuse me! Ms. Newell! What book is that you’re reading?

Lucia Newell: Uh — it’s called “Lord of the Rings”, by J.R.R. Tolkien!

Amelia Kane: And… what’s it about?

Lucia Newell: Oh! It’s about little furry people who live in the Middle Earth, and who have magic jewels and battles with forces of evil.

Amelia Kane: Wow-ow-ow!! That’s REALLY incredible!! And… what was that book you told me about when I called you?

Lucia Newell: [ thinking ] Oh! “Tale of Two Cities”! It’s about two men during the French Revolution. One lives in London, and one lives in France — and they look EXACTLY alike, and they switch identities!


Chet Napes: Did you say they look exactly alike?

Lucia Newell: Yeah! And one gives his life for the other!

Amelia Kane: INCREDIBLE!!

Buddy Bishop: And this was the French Revolution, you say?

Lucia Newell: Yeah! There was a Revolution in France in 1789… when the feudal system was overthrown by the French people.

Bob Lylo: Wait! Overthrown? Completely overthrown?!

Lucia Newell: Yeah!


Marsha Craven: And, hey — have you been to Paris?

Lucia Newell: Yes.

Chet Napes: THAT’S INCREDIBLE!!! [ he stomps his feet ]

Amelia Kane: Well, we’d love to have you back on the show again! Would you have more books to tell us about?

Lucia Newell: Certainly!

Chet Napes: It’s always great to hear a story!

[ the audience applauds Lucia’s feat ]

Marsha Craven: These stories are incredible, Chet! But you won’t believe your eyes when you meet our next guest!

Bob Lylo: That’s right, Marsha. We have in the studio, a guest whose skin is very dark-brown!

Marsha Craven: Was he in a fire?

Bob Lylo: Let’s just bring him out! Please welcome Willis Gaston!

[ Willis Gaston, a black man, walks past the audience and takes a seat on stage between the hosts ]

Bob Lylo: Well! Mr. Gaston! How do you do it?

Willis Gaston: I don’t do anything, man! That’s just the way I am!

Bob Lylo: Well, it’s INCREDIBLE!! Yeah! Show them your palm! Look at this!

[ Gaston raises his hands to reveal their stunning blackness ]

Marsha Craven: Wow! Mr. Gaston, do people pay more attention to you because your skin is so dark?

Willis Gaston: Well, it depends where I am! If I’m out around a lot of black folk, it doesn’t make any difference!

Amelia Kane: You mean, there are people with black skin?

Willis Gaston: Yeahhhh…


Marsha Craven: Wow! Maybe next time, we can have one of those BLACK persons on the show!

Willis Gaston: That WOULD be incredible!

[ the audience applauds his feat ]

Bob Lylo: Well, you know — every week, we meet LOTS of REAL INCREDIBLE PEOPLE! And one thing that we’ve found is that some of the MOST incredible people… are the REAL PEOPLE in our studio audience! So let’s meet some of the really incredible people who are here today!

[ cut to Chet standing next to a man in the audience ]

Chet Napes: What’s incredible about you?

Man in Audience #1: I flew up to the top of Pike’s Peak!

Chet Napes: Wow!! That’s INCREDIBLE!!

[ cut to Buddy standing over a second man in the audience ]

Buddy Bishop: Hi! What’s incredible about you?

Man in Audience #2: Remember those Pet Rocks a couple years ago?

Buddy Bishop: Sure!

Man in Audience #2: I BOUGHT one!

Buddy Bishop: That’s incredible!

[ cut to Marsha standing with a woman from the audience ]

Marsha Craven: Hey! What’s incredible about you?

Woman in Audience: I saw Debbie Reynolds in the supermarket!

Marsha Craven: That’s incredible!

[ cut to Bob standing next to the second man in the audience again ]

Bob Lylo: Hey, what’s incredible about you?

Man in Audience #2: My sister used to be a nun, but now she’s NOT any more!

Bob Lylo: That’s incredible!! Aren’t you the guy with the Pet Rock?

Man in Audience #2: Yes!


[ cut to GR standing next to third man from the audience ]

Amelia Kane: Hey! What’s incredible about you?

Man in Audience #3: What’s incredible about ME… is that I’m on “REAL INCREDIBLE PEOPLE”!!

[ cut to audience clapping, as title card zooms in ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/17/80: Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 19

79s: Steve Martin / 3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

[ Jane reaches over to nudge Bill awake ]

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: A spokesman for former President Gerald R. Ford says it is highliy unlikely that Ford will be Ronald Reagan’s running mate in November. The idea of a Reagan-Ford ticket was originally proposed by SEcret Service, who thought it would definitely discourage any possible assassination attempts.

In his first mission as Secretary of State, Edmund Muskie met with Soviet Minister Gromyko in Vienna. After the meeting, Muskie announced that in future conferences, he would use interpretators. “The meeting should go a lot faster,” said Muskie, “and hopefully I’ll get more out of them.”

Last Monday, Picasso’s Acrobat With Arms Crossed was auctioned off for $3 million, setting a world’s record for a modern art sale. However, the record was broken the next day, when this Van Gogh Le Jardin du Puits Arles went for $5.2 million, setting a new record. But records are made to be broken, and yesterday in Paris, one of the great living artists, Marc Chagall, was himself sold at auction for a whopping $43 million. The buyer, Mr. Glen Lamont of Clearwater, Florida said, “If Chagall has two or three more paintings in him, I’ll break even.”


Bill Murray: Findings were released tonight by the Food and Drug Administration that show a link between the common cold and use of Kleenex. Apparently, most people are allergic to a fiber used in the paper tissues, and sneeze when they come in contact with it. The FDA advises that, for the time being, you should use your shirt sleeve, until the summer when you can use your forearm.

The Environmental Protection Agency announced that residents of the Love Canal area in Niagara Falls may have altered chromosomes from the toxic chemicals buried there. A spokesman for the Hooker Chemicals and Plastics Corporation, which has dumped waste into the site for years, calmed local residents by explaining that at least future generations will have someone to make fun of.

And Pope John Paul II ordained as a Bishop, Stymie Beard of the old “Our Gang” comics, last week. Stymie becomes the only member of the Little Rascals to get as high as Bishop in the Catholic Church.


Jane Curtin: At Baltimore’s Pimlico Racetrack today, California’s Codex beat favorite Genuine Risk in the 105th running of the Preakness. Running out on the money was a horse owned by TV’s “Quincy”, Jack Klugman, who, immediately after the race, performed an autopsy on his horse to determine why it lost. If he’s not satisfied with the results, Klugman will perform a similar post-mortom on his jockey, Daryl McHarve.

Ayatollah Khomeini went down to his local 7-11 and donated $50 to Jerry’s Kids this week, starting a drive the comedian hopes will raise over $30 million. There’s a rumor that Jerry Lewis is arranging to reunite Khomeini and his old political foe, The Shah, during next September’s telethon.

And in a related story, a new hostage rescue attempt was made by a bus this morning, but failed when the bus crashed into a building in downtown Tehran. The bus was reportedly based on the Navy vehicle carrier, The U.S.S. James Hoffa, anchored in the Persian Gulf.


Bill Murray: Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute was miniaturized to the size of a thimble and dropped into the Atlantic Ocean today. Parents of Rensselaer students are advised to check the tide charts in your local area.

And with recent polls indicating the possibility of a strong showing by John Anderson this Fall, experts now predict the election could be decided by the House of Representatives. As the Constitution states, if the House can’t come up with a majority vote, then the Speaker of the House becomes the next President. That man would be Thomas P. “Tip” O’Neill, seen here performing his hilarious “Beat Me, HUrt Me” burlesque act at Gonzaga University.

And the State DEpartment has issued the following warnings to Cubans making the arduous trip from Cuba to Florida: “Do not overdo the sun on the first day; Do not go swimming for at least a half an hour after eating; and No horseplay on the deck, please, somebody could get an eye poked out.”


Jane Curtin: As you know, we were scheduled to have Paul McCartney open tonight’s show, but we ran into some technical problems. But we are now switching back to London, where Father Guido Sarducci is standing by with Paul McCartney and a videotape of his new song. [ to the monitor ] Come in, Father Sarducci!

[ Father Guido Sarducci appears via satellite on the monitor ]

Father Guido Sarducci: Jane, it’s-a getting LIGHT here! The sun is-a coming up! It’s only a little bit-a after twelve o’clock in-a New York, but over here in-a London, England, it’s after FIVE in the morning.

Jane Curtin: Father…

Father Guido Sarducci: Can you believe it?

Jane Curtin: [ laughing ] Where’s Paul?

Father Guido Sarducci: [ taking a drag on his cigarette ] That-a guy, you know, he-a sleeps like a log! I think I must have thrown-a like-a two dollars worth of these-a coins — pences, they call them. [ mockingly ] Pences!

Jane Curtin: Father, I don’t know if you’re aware of it, but this hook-up cost a lot of money, and if Paul McCartney isn’t there to introduce his song like you promised, it’s going to come out of your check! [ she cackles with glee ]

Father Guido Sarducci: You know-a what-a I think the problem is? I think-a, maybe, since-a all of these people are down here, that he thinks-a it’s a BUST! Could be. Really. But… I think I know how to get him out. I’m-a gonna SING for him! I’m-a gonna sing a medley… of-a Beatles tunes. I’m-a gonna serenade him out of that place! That’s-a my plan! I got a what-a you call a speaker here… [ he raises a bullhorn ] A loud-a speaker. [ he positions himself in front of McCartney’s window and loudly sings “Revolution #9” into the bullhorn ] “We don’t-a want a revolution, nooooo! / We all-a want-a to CHANGE the world! / But if you go-a talking about-a destruction / Don’t-a you know that you can-a count me…” [ he switches to “Yellow Submarine” ] “In the town where I was born / Lived a man who sailed… that sea. / And he tells me…” [ he switches to “Hey Jude” ] “Hey, Jude-a!” [ he switches to “Do You Want To Know A Secret” ] “Do you want to know a secret? Ohhhhhh. / Do you promise not to tell?” [ he switches to “Elenour Rigby” ] “Elenour-a Rigby…” [ he switches to “Getting Better” ] “…used to be mad at my school / The teachers that taught me weren’t…” [ he switches to “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” ] “Desmond.” [ he switches to “I Am The Walrus” ] I am-a you, and-a you are me…” [ he switches to “Yellow Submarine” ] “…and-a we are all-a together in a yellow submarine.” [ he switches to “Day in the Life” ] “Well, I just had to laugh!” [ he switches to “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds” ] “I saw Lucy in the sky with…” [ hjhe switches to “Michelle” ] “Michelle, ma belle…” [ he switches to “The Fool On The Hill” ] “The fool on the hill…” [ he switches to “Elenour Rigby” ] “Sweeping the rice from the church where her wedding has been.” [ he switches to “A Hard Day’s Night” ] “A hard day’s night.” [ he switches to “I Want to Hold Your Hand” ] “And suddenly, I want to hold your…” [ he switches to “Help” ] “Help!” [ he switches to “I Want to Hold Your Hand” ] “I want to hold-a your…” [ he switches to “Help” ] “I need-a somebody!” [ he switches to “I Want to Hold Your Hand” ] “I want to hold… your… handle!”

[ thunderous applause from the audience ]

Jane Curtin: Excuse me, Father. I don’t think that worked, Father, I don’t see any lights going on.

Father Guido Sarducci: Well… I think-a maybe I should-a do it again. You know, maybe another time might work. Or maybe — you know, I know what-a I could do. I’ll sing-a some-a medley of-a Wings tunes. That’s, you know, his-a latest group. Maybe that’ll do it.

Jane Curtin: Yeah, Father — you keep trying, we’ll get back to you later.

Father Guido Sarducci: Okay.

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[ Father Guido Sarducci continues trying to serenade McCartney down ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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