SNL Transcripts: Bob Newhart: 05/10/80: Bob Newhart’s Monologue




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 18




79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

Bob Newhart’s Monologue

…..Bob Newhart

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Bob Newhart!

Bob Newhart: Thank you! Thank you!

Now… have many of you saw — a couple of weeks ago, there was an encore and Broderick Crawford was the host of “Saturday Night Live”. Did you… see that? [ the audience applauds ] And… Broderick had one of the great shows — “Highway Patrol” — in the early days of television. But… I think people tend to romanticize early television. It was not all that great. There were a lot of programs on that were not… First of all, they would put anything on… because people would watch anything that was put in front of, you know, on the television set. Prticularly, one show — they used to have travelogue shows, and they weren’t… quite as slick as they are today. What they used to do was get a professor from some university, who was on a sabbatical — in Peru or somewhere — and, uh, he’d take his 8mm Browning and shoot a lot of footage, and, uh… and then they would build a show around him, and he was not a trained television personality. The show would start off with a very saccharine announcer, who came out. This program was called “Strange Peoples, Strange Lands.” It’s kind of an insult to them, I suppose, but that’s what it was called. And, uh… he came out, and he said this:

“Uh, ladies and gentlemen… welcome, once again, to “Strange Peoples, Strange Lands.” Our guest in the studio is Dr. Nicholls Ross. Dr. Ross has recently returned from a trip to Peru. He has brought back some very exciting film with him, which he calls “The Seven Lost Cities of the Incans.” Dr. Ross.”

[ Newhart steps back and assumes the character of Dr. Ross, struggling to locate the mark on the ground where he’s supposed to stand ]

[ high-pitched ] “Well, thank you — thank you — thank you very much. This, uh… this was indeed a very exciting trip that we made… [ he coughs ] to the Seven Lost Cities of the Incans. [ pointing ] As you can see, uh, here in the film now, we’re driving into the modern city of San Sebastipol… [ he coughs ] a modern city cut out of the heart of the Peruvian jungle. And you see, uh — you see us loading up our boats… and the couple up there on the dock, interestingly enough, is the, uh, American consulate and his very charming wife, uh, Gloria. They, uh… they had thrown… they had thrown a farewell party for us the night before, at the, uh, American Consulate. The, uh, the woman you see directly to the left of the, uh, the American consulate and his very charming wife Gloria… is my wife Margo. She had, uh… she had hoped to, uh, take the trip with us — uh, however, she, uh, she came down with a sudden attack of dysentary and… [ he coughs ] this, uh, this made it impossible for her to go. [ he pauses ] Uh — on our… on our trip. [ he coughs ]

Well, here — [ he points ] Here, you… here, you see us some two days later once again, being towed off a sandbar in the harbor of San Sebastipol. We’re still a little… a little hungover from the… from the farewell… farewell party thrown by the American… American consulate and his very charming… [ he coughs ] charming wife Gloria.

Here, you see us some two days later, once again loading up the boats in the, uh, in the harbor of San Sebastipol… and a couple I’m sure you all recognize by now — the American consulate… and Gloria. Just, uh, just get a glimpse here of my wife trying… trying to make it back to the house. [ he coughs ] We only had, uh… we only had three, uh… three weeks in which to cover the Seven Lost Cities of the Incans, and we’d already… we already blown a week in the harbor of San Sebastipol.

[ pointing ] So here you see us finally under way and arriving late that afternoon at the first city of the Seven Lost Cities of the Incans. The… then atives here were quite superstitious, and it so happened that our arrival, uh, coincided with a total eclipse of the sun. And the, uh… the natives began to beg us to please return the… big red ball to their sky. [ he smiles ] Which, uh, which we did, of course! Just… it just shows you there are lighter moments in… in even a trip as serious as ours.

[ pointing ] Here you see us arriving at the second of the Seven Lost Cities of the Incans. They had a rather unusual custom in this particular village, of… of providing each male visitor with what, uh, what you might call a sort of, I guess, bride, for his stay there. [ he laughs ] We, uh… we tried to explain to them this was not… this was NOT a custom in our country, uh… However, an adage we learned throuh many years of travel… “When, uh, when in Rome, do as the… do as the Romans do.”

We, uh… we spent a total of two-and-a-half weeks in this village… [ he appears guilty ] Which only… which only left us one day in which to cover the other five Lost Cities of the Incans. Thank you… thank you very much.”

[ the audience applauds wildly, as Newhart smiles ]

Thank you very much! We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bob Newhart: 05/10/80: The Mr. Bill Show




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 18















79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

The Mr. Bill Show

(Scene opens at a newspaper stand. A newsdealer grabs a stack of papers and shows us the latest headline)

Newsdealer: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Mr. Bill gets twenty years in Sing Sing

(Cut to Sing Sing prison where Mr. Bill and Spot are in a jail cell. Mr. Bill is lying on his bed playing harmonica while Spot is howling.)

Guard: Awww cut that racket out Mr. Bill! You got a visitor. Come along. (Opens Mr. Bill’s cell.)

Mr. Bill: A visitor? Really? Now who could that be? (sees Miss Sally with a cake in the visitor room.) Miss Sally!

Miss Sally: Oh hi Mr. Bill. I brought something to cheer you up.

Mr. Bill: Oh boy! You know, I wasn’t sure you would come. Listen Miss Sally, I want you to know that I didn’t rob that bank. I was framed.

(Spot barks)

Miss Sally: I know you didn’t, Mr. Bill.

Mr. Bill: You do? Oh boy, that’s great. Listen, I’m going to work hard and be a model prisoner and I’ll be out of here in no time. I swear Miss Sally.

Miss Sally: Oh I know. The warden seems really nice and he says you’ll be out really soon if I’m nice to him.

Mr. Bill: (Sees it’s a picture of Warden Sluggo) Oh no! You stay away from him. He’s up to no good.

Miss Sally: (Holds Mr. Bill’s hand) Oh, don’t worry Mr. Bill. I wait for you no matter how long it takes.

Mr. Bill: Gee, oh boy yay! (goes back to his cell) She touched me, hey! And she’s going to wait for me too.

Guard: (Locking Mr. Bill back up) Yeah that’s what they all say. I wouldn’t count on it.

Mr. Bill: Oh no. I know Miss Sally. She’ll wait. Gee, I can’t wait to get started. Maybe I can get a job in the laundry room.

(Spot barks. Mr. Hands arrives and sticks his hand through the window)

Mr. Hands: Psst, Mr. Bill? It’s me Mr. Hands remember? Listen I heard about the bad news. But don’t worry, I’ll have you out of here in no time.

Mr. Bill: Oh no, I’m staying. Listen, if I’m good, I figure I’ll be up for parole in ten years maybe.

Mr. Hands: Nah, Miss Sally won’t wait that long. (Shows Mr. Bill a picture of Miss Sally with Warden Sluggo) Look she’s already cheating on you.

Mr. Bill: Oh no! Miss Sally! How could she?

Mr. Hands: Say, maybe we can shoot the lock off. (Shows Mr. Bill a cake with the words “Look inside” written on it)

Mr. Bill: But I don’t have a gun.

Mr. Hands: Here I brought one.

Mr. Bill: Where?

Mr. Hands: Here (pulls a gun out of the cake)

Mr. Bill: Wait a second Mr. Hands, You be careful with that. Don’t point it at me.

Mr. Hands: Don’t worry, don’t worry. Here cock the hammer for me (positions the gun where the hammer is in Mr. Bill’s hand)

Mr. Bill: Oh, But it already is.

Mr. Hands: Okay! (Shoots the gun and the hammer pierces Mr. Bill’s hand. The bullet ricochets off the lock and goes through Spot)

Mr. Bill: No wait, Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: (Showing an escape with an X where Spot is.) See I brought this escape map. Maybe we can tunnel our way out.

Mr. Bill: Oh no, you just want to be mean. Now get out of here and leave us alone. Okay?

Mr. Hands: (With an axe) Gee I hope I hit the right Spot! (Hammers Spot where the X is. Water comes pouring out and starts flooding the room)

Mr. Bill: I can’t swim!

Mr. Hands: I better get you out of here before you drown.

Mr. Bill: No wait, Hurry up! Hurry up! Hurry up!

Mr. Hands: Say, maybe I can yank the bars out. (Ties some rope to the window bars and puts some on Mr. Bill)

Mr. Bill: No wait! You dropped that rope on me! (Mr Hands drives his car with the rope attached and pulls Mr. Bill in between the bars) Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Ooh you’re stuck! Gee, maybe this will loosen the bars (places some dynamite in the bars)

Mr. Bill: No wait that’s dynamite! Don’t wait stop! (Mr. Hands detonates the dynamite, exploding Mr. Bill who is sent into the prison yard and the sirens start blaring) Ohhhhhhh! Oh no! Leave me alone!

Mr. Hands: Uh oh! They see you! And the warden says he has you covered. So you better stand up and reach for the sky.

Mr. Bill: (Still stuck in the bars) But I can’t, I’m stuck. So don’t shoot okay? (The guards start shooting) Oh no! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! They got me! Ohhhh! (the words “The End” are shot into Mr. Bill)

Mr. Hands: Bye Bye!

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bob Newhart: 05/10/80: Restaurant




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 18








79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

Restaurant

Stan…..Bob Newhart
Nadine…..Jane Curtin
Waiter…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[ open in romantic restaurant, as violinist plays for diners and crosses past Stan and Nadine’s table ]

Stan: [ taking Nadine’s hand ] Nadine… I know we’ve only known each other for a couple of weeks, but I feel like… we’ve known each other forever.

Nadine: I know, Stan! It seems more like ten years instead of just ten days.

Stan: Nadine, I know this may seem crazy, but… well, i’ve ben thinking about it for quite a few days now, and… if I were to ask you to marry me… do you think you might say Yes?

Nadine: [ she laughs ] I can’t believe this!

Stan: Does that mean Yes?

Nadine: [ nervously ] Well, don’t you think we’re rushing it a little? I mean, people are gonna think we’re crazy!

Stan: Well, who cares what people think? I mean, I know that these last ten days have been the happiest days of my life.

Nadine: Well… I — I —

[ the Waiter stumbles in with their food ]

Waiter: A salad for the lady…

Nadine: Thank you.

Waiter: The lamb chops for the gentleman… asparagus… [ he tries to place all this food on the tiny table ] Excuse me… Would you like some sour cream with the…?

Stan: No! No! We’re fine, we’re fine. [ the Waiter leaves ] Are you sure you don’t… you don’t want anything more? You must get very tired of, you know, eating salads!

Nadine: Oh, no, no! It’s plenty! With the salad dressing, it makes it very filling!

Stan: What about Saturday?

Nadine: What about Saturday?

Stan: Getting married. How about next Saturday?

Nadine: Well… I thought you’d at least give me a couple of weeks’ warning?

Stan: Hey — I mean, if we’re gonna do it, let’s do it! I mean, is there something the matter, honey?

Nadine: Well… there’s something I have to tell you. And I’m afraid that after I tell you, you won’t want to marry me.

Stan: Honey, there is nothing you could tell me that would make me not want to make me marry you.

Nadine: This is different. Uh — it’s something I think I should have told you a long time ago. I used to be a lot different than I am now.

Stan: Don’t worry about it! I’ve been around a little myself. I mean, I know I’m not getting Kristy MacNichol, you know!

[ they laugh ]

Nadine: No, no — it’s not like that. I-I… I don’t know know how to tell you… [ a beat ] I used to weigh 260 pounds. [ she pulls a picture out of her purse ] This is me. [ she hands him the picture ] Well?

Stan: [ looking at the picture ] Well… it looks like it was taken on a nice day.

Nadine: I think I’m gonna go to the ladies room. Excuse me.

Stan: [ stopping her ] Sweetheart… sweetheart, please. I mean, do you think something like this would make me NOT want to marry you? I mean, that this would make me somehow stop loving you?

Nadine: I… I just thought that once you saw that…

Stan: Nadine, you shouldn’t rush to thoughts like that. I mean… my mother is even a little… a little fat. I mean, nothing like this. But… a little!

Nadine: [ grabbing a large roll ] I didn’t think it would make any difference… but, you know, I wasn’t sure! [ she laughs as she eats the roll with a large slab of butter ]

Stan: How, uh — how, how many years ago was this taken?

Nadine: [ chewing ] Oh! That was taken about four months ago. It was right before I had my jaw wired shut. [ pointing to his food ] Would you give me a piece of that? Just a teeny, tiny… [ he grabs a small piece ] No, no — here. [ she grabs a larger piece and chews a huge mouthful ] I didn’t have any solid food for about three months… [ she swallows ] That’s how I thinned down. It worked a LOT better than when I had my intestines tied off. No. It worked okay… but as soon as I got untied, I gained the weight right back! You know?

Waiter [ returning ] Is everything satisfactory?

Stan: [ annoyed ] Yes, yes! Fine, fine. Thank you.

Nadine: Can we have a dessert menu?

[ the Waiter nods and exits ]

Stan: Listen, uh… Nadine, about Saturday? You know, maybe you’re… maybe you’re right about, you know, about giving ourselves a little more time! [ he chuckles nervously ] I mean, you know, we’ve got the rest of our lives, right? What’s… [ she grabs a large piece of food and stuffs it into her mouth ] What’s… what’s the rush, right?

[ the violinist steps closer, but Stan shoos him away ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bob Newhart: 05/10/80: Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 18


















79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
…..Al Franken

Announcer: And now “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin, Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: Despite outraged protests from Saudi Arabia, PBS will broadcast “Death of a Princess”, a controversial docu-drama which tells the story of a Saudi princess who was executed for the crime of adultery. The Saudis have threatened to go into productino of their own docu-drama, entitled “Death of a Jewish-American Princess”, about a girl from Great Neck, Long Island who dies from complications of a nose job.

Out of the Rose Garden for the first time in six months, President Carter said he would have attended President Tito’s funeral, only if the late Yugoslav leader was buried in Philadelphia where Carter was campaigning.

And Pope John Paul II is calling his trip to Africa a “complete success.” The Pontiff has baptized thousands, exchanged ideas with African leaders, and recruited several good-looking prospects for the Vatican baskbetball team.

Bill?

Bill Murray: In a surprising victory for President Carter, the Russian Olympic Committee voted unanimously to boycott their own Summer Games in Moscow. The Soviets said that Carter’s boycott forced them to take a long, hard look at themselves, and they are ashamed at their own behavior.

Researchers at the NYU Medical School have discovered that, by applying ice packs to their testicles, they can raise the sperm count and cure certain types of male sterility. Subjects who tested this cold-compress treatment were able to impregnate their wives, who gave birth to Eskimos.

And a dozen of Thomas’s English Muffins, wearing pencil-thin mosutaches, were able to talk their way into the Library of Congress this morning, and stole a copy of “Treasure Island” by Robert Louis Stevenson. It’s the fourth time this year that muffin made it past library security.

Jane?

Jane Curtin: Almost 30,000 refugees have sailed from Cuba to Florida in the past two weeks. There was some concern that, among the refugees, are hundreds of social undesirables, such as mental patients, violent criminals, friends of Bebe Riboso, and members of Desi Arnaz’s original band.

The St. Petersburg Highway Department had to collapse the Tampa Bay Bridge yesterday, in order to apprehend a car that drive onto the bridge without paying the toll. The car apologizes to other cars and buses that were inconvenienced by the incident.

The remains of The Three Stooges were put on display at the Tate Gallery in London, last week. As always, Curly was the most popular.

Bill?

Bill Murray: Thank you. [ holding up paper ] This just in — Secretary of State Edwin Muskie has just resigned because of a dispute with President Carter over next week’s surprise hostage rescue attempt. Carter is trying to get Muskie to postpone his decision until after the attempt fails.

And Rosie Ruiz surprised everyone when she finished first in the South Carolina Democratic Primary last Tuesday. State election officials had doubts, however, claiming she entered the race at the last minute. But Rosie tearfully continued to stick to her story that she DID run in the Primary, and she plans to keep the deledates she won, taking them with her on a camping trip to the Pocono Mountains.

[ image: Jane Curtin smiling with Walter Cronkite ] CBS News anchorman Walter Cronkite categorically denied reports that he would accept the nomination as John Anderson’s running mate. Cronkite, shown here with a local hosebag, repeated the denial in his own familiar words, “That’s the way it is.”

Jane, just what did you have to do to get Mr. C. to pose with you?

Jane Curtin: [ snidely ] Bill, I don’t have to tell you a thing — as a journalist, I’m protected by the First Amendment!

Bill Murray: Well, good — at least you used some protection.

Jane Curtin: And now to talk about himself, is Weekend Update’s Social Sciences Editor Al Franken. Al?

Al Franken: Thanks, Jane! Since the Al Franken Decade started, a lot of people have been coming up and asking what they can do for me… Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] Now, the other day I was standing outside of Rockefeller Center, trying to get a cab, and I was trying to think what I was going to do for this week’s spot… and I came up with this GREAT idea! This hilarious idea! And then, some guy… walks up to me, and he says, “Hey! Al Franken!” [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] “I’m sorry to bother you… but I’d just like to say I really enjoy your work.” So I say, “Get lost, I’m trying to think.” So the guy leaves, and by this time… I’ve forgotten the idea. This great idea I’d be doing for you now, if it hadn’t been for this SCUM… who interrupted my thought process. Okay — so I get in the cab, and I start thinking: “How did this happen to me, Al Franken?” [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] And I figured it happened because I was trying to get a cab. I should have… a limosine. I mean, let’s be reasonable: Here I am — Al Franken [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] — one of NBC’s few bright spots… and I’m forced to wait for taxis with you ordinary people out on the street. So I started thinking: “Who does NBC give limos to, anyway?”

Okay — now there are some cast members here on “Saturday Night Live” who do get limo service from NBC. I’m not gonna complain about that. These people are my friends, it would seem a bit… petty. But Garrett? Okay. Anyway… I found out that NBC gives limosines to Tom Snyder and to Gary Coleman. Now, taste aside, these guys do star in their own shows, so I can’t really complain about them, either. But now, get this — who know who gets complete door-to-door limo service from NBC? Fred Silverman. Now, here’s a guy… who is a total, unequivocal failure. Okay? The guy’s been here two years… and he hasn’t done diddly-squat. Okay? And he gets a limo! Okay… [ he grabs a chart ] now, here’s a list of the top ten-rated shows this season in TV. Now, there’s some A’s there… some B’s… some C’s… uh… some S’s. You see those? You see any N’s? Not one N! [ he puts the chart down ] Why? ‘Cause Silverman is a lame-o! But he still gets limosine service. I like to call it “A Limo for the Lame-o.”

Okay. Now, this is where you come in, and you can help me… Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] I want all of you to write NBC and pressure them to get me a limosine. Now, just send a letter or a postcard to:

GET AL FRANKEN A LIMO!
c/o Fred Silverman
NBC-TV
30 Rockefeller Center Plaza
New York, N.Y. 10020

Now, this is VERY IMPORTANT! Write this address down, NOW! Get a pencil and paper, and write it down! Here, I’ll wait for you. [ he waits ] Now, I’m sure you’ve got a pencil SOMEWHERE in the house. Go get it. Don’t worry — I’ll yell… I’ll YELL so you won’t miss anything! [ yelling ] Now, if ENOUGH of you write… Silverman will HAVE TO GIVE ME THE LIMO!! Even though I’ve just DECIMATED HIM, that’s the WAY THINGS ARE AROUND HERE! He’s TIMID, INDECISIVE, and he’s EASILY PRESSURED!! HE’s WEAK!! Okay — once again, now that you’re back. That’s:

GET AL FRANKEN A LIMO!
c/o Fred Silverman
NBC-TV
30 Rockefeller Center Plaza
New York, N.Y. 10020

Okay. Now, if this works, and I get my limo, you’ll be doing me… Al Franken [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] a great favor! And, hopefully, I won’t be bothered by people like you! But if you do happen to see me getting out of my limo, or maybe in a fancy hotel or restaurant, or perhaps this summer in London or Paris or Minneapolis… don’t come up to me unless you happen to be an attractive female, who is prepared to engage in sexual intercourse with me… Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] Thank you!

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Al. That’s the news. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom! Have a pleasant tomorrow!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/17/80



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 19


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


May 17th, 1980

Steve Martin

3-D

Paul & Linda McCartney

None

None

None
Weekend Update Exclusive ReportSummary: It’s been 122 days since Paul McCartney was busted for possession of marijuana, and Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) hopes to land an exclusive interview.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Transcript

Montage

Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin recites a series of tenets entitled “What I Believe”.

Transcript

Real Incredible PeopleSummary: Overly enthusiastic hosts (Steve Martin, Gilda Radner, Bill Murray, Harry Shearer, Laraine Newman) are amazed by the normal feats of everyday people.

Transcript

Messy BurglarsSummary: Franklin (Bill Murray) and Phil (Steve Martin) break into a couple’s (Harry Shearer, Laraine Newman) just so they can make a mess, but then their mothers (Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner) break in to clean up the mess.

3-D performs “All-Night Television”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) tries to serenade Paul McCartney dwonstairs by singing a medley of Beatles tunes.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Transcript

The HominidsSummary:

Transcript

Weekend Update Exclusive Report IISummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) finally gets Paul and Linda McCartney’s attention and conducts his interview.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Transcript

Paul McCartney performs “Coming Up”

Reagan DinnerSummary:

Recurring Characters: Ronald Reagan, Nancy Reagan.

Transcript

Stretch MarksSummary: The new album from aging songstress Patty Caldwell (Gilda Radner).

Transcript

Deer CrossingSummary: A pair of deer (Steve Martin, Gilda Radner) cautiously try to cross the interstate after other deer (Bill Murray, Tom Davis) are hit by passing cars.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/17/80: Messy Burglars



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 19








79s: Steve Martin / 3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney

Messy Burglars

Husband…..Harry Shearer
Wife…..Laraine Newman
Phil…..Steve Martin
Franklin…..Bill Murray
Sadie…..Jane Curtin
Ruth…..Gilda Radner

[ FADE IN: ]

[ INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT ]

[ A HUSBAND and WIFE are assembling a jigsaw puzzle of Mount Rushmore while seated on a sofa. ]

Wife: Look! I think we’re starting to get Lincoln’s face.

Husband: No, no — that’s not his face…

[ Husband points to another area of the puzzle. ]

Husband: No, no — his face would be over here… that’s a cloud!

[ Wife examines the puzzle’s box. ]

Wife: I don’t see a cloud!

Husband: Look at the cover —

[ Two armed burglars, PHIL and FRANKLIN, burst into the room . ]

Phil: FREEZE!

Franklin: Don’t move or we’ll blow your brains out!!!

[ Wife cowers into her the Husband’s arms. ]

Wife: Honey…

Husband: It’s all right, sweetheart. Let’s just do as they say and I’m sure we’ll get out alive!

Phil: It’s all right, sweetheart. Let’s just, mister! This won’t take very long… Franklin, over there…

[ Franklin jumps over to another area of the living room and starts trashing the area and laughing hysterically. Phil does the same. ]

Wife: Honey, I’m scared! Are they going to do anything to us?

Husband: I don’t think they’re going to do anything to us. Once they get what they’re coming for, I think they’re going to leave.

Phil: Shut up, you two!

[ Franklin presses his pistol on top of the Wife’s head. ]

Franklin: I told you to keep your TRAPS shut!!!

[ Phil and Franklin continue to trash the place and insanely laugh. Phil starts destroying the jigsaw puzzle, much to the disgust of the couple. ]

Phil: You okay, Frankie?

Franklin: Yeah, Phil — I’m all right!

[ Phil and Franklin make their way to front door, open it, and aim their pistols at the couple. ]

Phil: Okay now, don’t get cute and try calling the cops!

[ Franklin grabs the couple’s phone, examines it with Phil, disconnects the cord, and shares an idiotic laugh with Phil. ]

Phil: What a great mess!

Franklin: It was nice to meet you!

[ Both depart. ]

Wife: Oh my God!

Husband: It’s all right, dear — it’s all over. They’re gone.

Wife: I didn’t see them take anything… Did you?

Husband: No! That was the odd thing.

[ Husband gets off the couch and grabs the phone off the floor. ]

Husband: This place sure is a mess!

[ Two armed elderly women, SADIE and RUTH, burst into the room. ]

Sadie: FREEZE!

Ruth: Don’t move or we’ll blow your brains out!!!

Wife: Honey…

[ Sadie presses her pistol against the Wife’s neck. ]

Sadie: Shut up, little lady and no one will get hurt!!!

[ Ruth points her pistol at the Husband. ]

Ruth: You drop that phone and sit down! DROP IT! Now, SIT DOWN!!!

[ Husband drops the phone. ]

Husband: Yes, Ma’am.

[ Ruth joins Sadie. Husband consoles the Wife in his arms. ]

Sadie: Now, did two young men just come in here and do this to your apartment?

Husband: Yes, Ma’am!

Ruth: And did their names happen to be Franklin and Philip?

Wife: Yes, they just left! Who are you?

Ruth: We’re their mothers and we’re here to clean up. [beat] All right, Sadie — you take that side of the room, and I’ll take this side.

[ Wife gets up. ]

Wife: Maybe we can help you with something?

[ Sadie plunks the Wife back on the sofa. ]

Sadie: Not on your life! [beat] You better keep an eye on this one, Ruth…

[ Sadie drags Phil over to Franklin. A pistol is lodged to his side. ]

Sadie: And what about you, Philip?

Phil: I’m sorry, too. We made a mess. We shouldn’t have and it won’t happen again.

Ruth: Okay everybody — thank you very much! We’ll just be on our way, now. Sorry for the trouble.

[Ruth starts browbeating Franklin’s back with her pistol. ]

Ruth: I told you once, Franklin — I’ve told you a thousand times not to do something like this.

Franklin: You don’t have to browbeat me, mother.

[ The mothers and their sons depart. ]

Wife: Now, what?

[ Husband snaps his fingers. ]

Husband: I call the maid! Tell her she doesn’t have to come in tomorrow.

[ Wife nods her head. Both go back to assembling the puzzle. ]

[ Camera PANS OUT to show the Studio 8H audience applauding. ]

[ FADE OUT ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

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Stretch Marks


Stretch Marks

Patty Caldwell…..Gilda Radner


Announcer: Now, at last, an album for career women in their late30’s – featuring the expressive, the moody, the 38-year-old Patty Caldwell. Finally reaching maturity with her new LP release, Stretch Marks.

Patty Caldwell: [ singing ]“Stretch Marks. Stretch Marks.
Footprints of time on my skin..

Announcer: Patty Caldwell reaches back into her own experiences, to bring back to life tunes like “I Used to be Quite Interesting, Really”, “F-U-L-L-F-I-L-L-M-E-N-T”.

Patty Caldwell: [ singing ]“F-U-L-L-F-I-L-L-M-E-N-T.
That’s what this boy does to me.
F-U-L-L-F-I-L-L-M-E-N-T.That’s what life means to me.

Announcer: “I Feel Sorry For People in Love”. “My Songs Are My Children”.

Patty Caldwell: [ singing ]“I’m married to music.
My songs are my children.
I’m married to music.
My songs are my kids.
I’m married to music..

Announcer: “Bad Child”. “Cats”. “You Call Me Bitch One More Time I’ll Scratch Your Eyes Out”. Patty shares her lonely moments with you, in songs like “You’ll Be Sorry Someday”.

Patty Caldwell: [ singing ]“You’ll be sorry someday..
when she begins to look like me.
Is that your car..?

Announcer: “Kids – It’s Academic Now (Too Risky)”. “Me and Me Against the World”. “Yesterday’s Dreams”. “Droopin'”. “Vantage Blues”.

Patty Caldwell: [ singing ]“Fifty bucks in the ashtray.
I’ve got those vantage blues again..”

Announcer: “My Niece is Such a Drag”. “Man’s World Without Men”. Patty Caldwell lets it all hang out, with her new Stretch Marks. This album is not available in record stores. Send your check or money order to: Stretch Marks, Grand Central Station, Box 202. Only $8.75 for the record album, or $11.15 for 8-track cassette.

Patty Caldwell: [ singing ]“Stretch Marks. Stretch Marks.
Footprints of time on my skin..

Announcer: Hurry. She’s getting older.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/17/80: Deer Crossing



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 19






79s: Steve Martin / 3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney

Deer Crossing

Deer #1…..Steve Martin
Deer #2….Gilda Radner
Cow…..Garrett Morris
Deer #3…..Bill Murray
Female Motorist…..Jane Curtin
Male Motorist…..Al Franken
Deer #4…..Tom Davis

[ open on Deer Crossing sign at the edge of an interstate highway, as two deer standing on hind legs run forward ] [ they watch and wait as the sound of cars zoom by, then make an effort to cross the interstate while no cars are passing ] [ suddenly, they quickly turn back as the sound of a passing car fast approaches ] [ they make another attempt to cross, but run back when they see a car coming ] [ just then, a cow wanders in on two hind legs ]

Cow: Moooooo! Say… excuse me! But do you know if there might be a Cattle Crossing near?

Deer #1: [ pointing with his hoof ] Uh — there’s one about a mile up the road. But you’re welcome to cross here, if you’d like.

Cow: Noooooooooo, that’s okay! Thank you!

[ the cow slowly ambles off ]

Deer #1: Take care! [ to his fellow deer ] Boy, was he lost! Can you believe that!

[ they watch cars zoom past ]

Deer #1: Now, normally I would have crossed here… but since you’re with me, I’d rather not.

Deer #2: Thank you, Deer!

[ a third Deer hops forward on his hind legs ]

Deer #3: Been waiting long?

Deer #2: Yeah. It’s pretty bad today.

Deer #1: I don’t know how they picked this spot. It’s a pretty ridiculous place for a Deer Crossing.

Deer #3: [ chuckling ] Yeah, well, I can’t wait all day. I’m going.

Deer #2: Don’t! Are you crazy?

Deer #3: [ chuckling ] Look, they have to stop! Right? It’s a Deer Crossing! I’m out of here!

[ he hops across the street ]

Deer #1: [ calling out ] I don’t think they have to stop!

[ suddenly, a car slams on its brakes and screeches along the road, as it collides with the dear ]

Female Motorist: Oh, honey! Couldn’t you stop?!

Male Motorist: It shot right out in front of me! Come on, let’s go!

[ they slam their doors and pull away, as more traffic passes at a rapid pace ] [ the two deer continue to watch for an opening, as a fourth deer bounds forward on its two hind legs, looks sadistically at the first two deer, then hops right onto the interstate without looking ] [ he can be heard getting clipped by a car, and momentarily returns to the other two deer, clutching his side and gasping as he retreats into the woods ]

Deer #2: Do you think maybe we ought to come back later?

Deer #1: [ he observes passing traffic for a moment ] Let’s go find a salt lick on the other side of the road.

[ they turn and walk back into the woods ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/17/80: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 19





79s: Steve Martin / 3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney

Goodnights

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: Well, that’s it for another show, and… we’re standing out here with one minute to kill. So… [ he turns to see Bill Murray still dressed in his deer suit ] Say, that reminds me! Next week’s host will be… Buck!

[ everyone cheers, as Steve points to Bill and the closing music begins to play ] [ Steve leads the cast and musical guests past the band stage, where he hangs out and jams with them as the cast and musical guests continue to walk past ]

Announcer: Next Saturday Night, our host will be Buck Henry with musical guest Andrew Gold and James Cleveland. Tonight’s Don Pardo’s Announcer’s costume was entirely hand-made! Good night!

[ as the credits continue to roll, we cut to the crew picking up all the equipment in London at daybreak, as Father Guido Sarducci loiters on the sidewalk nearby ] [ return to the studio, with Steve still jamming with the band ]

SNL Transcripts

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