SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/24/80: Trader Nick’s




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 20


















79t: Buck Henry / Andrew Gold, Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity

Trader Nick’s

Nick “Lava”…..Bill Murray
…..Paul Shaffer
Prince Amanawahu…..Akira Yoshimura
Iris de Flaminio…..Jane Curtin
Richard Posniak…..Buck Henry
Lenora Posniak…..Laraine Newman
Joe Daddy…..Al Franken
…..Yvonne Hudson
Farrell Jones…..Garrett Morris
Kathy Gorley…..Gilda Radner
Woman at bar…..Anne Beatts

[ open on interior, Trader Nick’s, as Nick the Lounge Singer performs ]

Nick “Lava”: [ singing ]
“He’s a cop from Oaho, who gets lots of sun
Famous Steve McGarrett!
And he packs a gu-u-u-u-un!”

Come on, Paul!

“If you need his number
It’s Hawaii Five-0!”

Thank you! Thank you! Welcome to Trader Nick’s, a little bit of the Hawaiian Islands right here in the Buffalo-Niagara Falls area. I’m your host, Nick “Lava”, and I’ll be humping my volcano ash for you, for the next little while or so. Hot day today? I know I built up a Hawaiian-sized thirst. I hope you take advantage of our exotic Polynesian specialties here at Trader Nick’s. THe man who put the “hi” in “Hawaiian”, a full-blooded Hawaiian — Prince Amanawahu. How you doing, Prince?

[ pan over to Prince Amanawahu working the blender ]

He’s busy working his magic right now, so let’s ask one of the prince’s lovely barmaidens — Princes Iris? [ Iris de Flaminio looks up ] Princess, would you point us down the dark road tonight?

Iris de Flaminio: [ husky-voiced ] Sure thing! For a night you may not remember, but you’ll never forget… I recommend the Kamikazee or the Missionary’s Downfall. But if you really want to get out of the blocks fast, try Trader Nick’s specialty — the Coconut Head Butter. It’s got three different fruit juices and five ounces of Bacardi 1-5-1. I gotta serve the drinks, Nick.

Nick “Lava”: [ laughing ] Yes, you do! And tell her why, Paul.

[ singing ]
Oh, you may be the ambassador to England or Paree, France
You might like to gamble down in Atlantic City, you might like to dance disco-style.
You might be like Mohammed Ali, the heavyweight champion of the world
Or you might be at Trader Nick’s, serving insane guys and girls!
But you’re gonna have to SERVE somebody!”

Iris de Flaminio: [ singing ] “SERVE somebody!”

Nick “Lava”: And on a night like this, you young fellows are gonna have to TIP somebody, too! HUh?

Iris de Flaminio: TIP somebody, I’m SERIOUS!

Nick “Lava”: [ singing ]
“You might be prince of a lifetime, or a couple of Navy frogs
But you’re gonna have to serve somebodyyyy!”

Somebody… anybody… for heaven’s sake! [ the room claps ] Hey! Aloha! Aloha, folks! How’s it going? How are you?

Richard Posniak: Oh, I guess we’re alright, this is our second Fog Cutter.

Nick “Lava”: [ laughing ] What’s your name, and where are you from?

Richard Posniak: I’m Mr. Richard Posniak, and we’re from Room 208 in the Castle Court Motel, just across the highway. [ he holds up his room key ]

Lenora Posniak: I’m Lenora Posniak. We have three kids in the room who finally fell asleep, and we’re here to forget the day!

Nick “Lava”: [ chuckling ] Having trouble on the vacation or something, huh?

Lenora Posniak: [ aggravated ] It’s not vacationing! We were relocated today from the Love Canal.

Nick “Lava”: Well, I’ll tell you… I’ve been following that story, and, you know, boy, I got a scare the other day. All of a sudden, I got one of these headaches in the back, everything tensed up, I started to go black, I thought: “Oh, my God! You know? Love Canal.” And then I realized, I’d been chugging frozen coladas all day! So, you know, I just cut back on my pace, and I’m fine now.

Richard Posniak: Good for you, Nick. How would you like to buy a 3-bedroom house real cheap?

Nick “Lava”: Hey — another round of Fog Cutters for this couple. They’re on Uncle Sam. This one’s for you, huh? Let’s do it. Hey, I hope you don’t move in with those Cubans, that would really be too bad.

[ Nick stands and sings ]

“Kiss today goodbye
And forget about tomorrow.
You did what you had to doooooo
Won’t regret!
Can’t forget!
What you did for love.
What you did for love.
What you did for love.”

Bless you. Thank you. [ to a group of high-schoolers ] Hey! What’s happening over at this table?

Teens: [ chanting ]
“We’re poison ivy!
It’s our thing!
We do what we want to do!
Yayyyyyyyy, canker sores!”

Nick “Lava”: Okay, calm down, fellows. We’ve been very nice about not checking ID tonight, so let’s all behave and act like the nice mature, responsible adults I know you are. What’s your name, fellow?

Joe Daddy: Joe Daddy, Co-Captain.

Nick “Lava”: Okay. And who are you? Could you stand, please?

Yvonne Hudson: [ she stands ] Hi, I’m Yvonne Hudson, and this is my Love Jones!

Nick “Lava”: Love Jones?

Farrell Jones: [ standing ] Yeah, that’s right! Farrell Jones, Co-Captain and all-around love messenger! Uh, him and me, we’re co-captains of the baseball and the, you know, the football team.

Joe Daddy: Yeah, he played shortshop and halfback, and, uh, I was catcher and monster man!

Nick “Lava”: Well, that’s great. Enjoy, enjoy. And who is this lovely queen? Could you stand, please, lady? How are you?

Kathy Gorley: [ standing ] I’m, uh, Kathy Gorley, Senior Prom Queen.

Nick “Lava”: And how did you get to be the prom queen?

Kathy Gorley: How’d you get into show business, Trader?

Nick “Lava”: Well, I wasn’t elected unanimously! [ he laughs ] Well, you all nurse those Coconut Head Butters. Prom Night is a night to have fun, but let me tell you first sbout my prom, if you wnt to know about prom nights. I wrapped my old man’s Impala around an oak tree. I walked away, but my fiancee rode shotgun — she did not. The whole class went to her funeral two days later, it was a closed casket. So think about that later, on the way home. [ to Joe Daddy ] Do you have a theme for tonight’s prom?

Joe Daddy: [ sobering up ] Uh… “Stairway to Heaven”.

Nick “Lava”: [ to Paul ] Do I know that? [ Paul hits the piano ] Yeah. Led Zeppelin, right? I guess you’re probably a little too young to remember their first album, huh? “Communication Breakdown”? Well, enjoy. I’ll try to do it anyway.

[ singing ]
“And as we wind on down the road!
Our shadows taller than our soul!
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show!
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last!
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to rolllllllllllllllllllllllllll!!

And she’s… buying… a stairway… to heaven.”

[ the crowd bursts into applause ]

Aloha! Aloha! Aloha! Enjoy.

[ camera pulls back on set, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Saturday Night Live Garage Sale” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/24/80: Week in Review



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 20
















79t: Buck Henry / Andrew Gold, Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity

Week in Review

Paul Heverly…..Bill Murray
Dick Drake…..Harry Shearer
Countess Luciana Palermo…..Jane Curtin
Leon Satin…..Garrett Morris
Hugh Gaffney…..Buck Henry

[ open on panelists whispering among themselves over jazzy music ]

[ camera zooms in on Paul Heverly as the music fades ]

Paul Heverly: Good evening. Welcome to “Week in Review”. I’m your moderator, Paul Heverly. Well, it’s been a busy week in the news, and, uh, we have a lot to discuss. I can see that our panelists are anxious to get started, so let’s introduce them. First, our regulars: from The New York Post, Dick Drake.

[ SUPER: “Dick Drake (Pseudonym) New York Post” ]

…from the Midnight Globe, Countess Luciana Palermo.

[ SUPER: “Countess Luciana Palermo (Pen Name) Midnight Globe” ]

…from the National Enquirer, Leon Satin.

[ SUPER: “Leon Satin (Nom de Plume) National Enquirer” ]

…and our special guest, making his first appearance on the show, political analyst for the New York Times, Hugh Gaffney.

[ SUPER: “Hugh Gaffney, New York Times” ]

Paul Heverly: Is that your real name, Hugh?

Hugh Gaffney: [ confused ] Yes.

Paul Heverly: Huh. Huh. Well, Dick, let’s start with you: What’s the week’s top story?

Dick Drake: Well, Nick, I’d say this week’s top story HAS to be the woman whose baby was eaten by the German Shephard.

Paul Heverly: Now, Dick, you followed that story perhaps more closely than the rest of us. Was she a Devil worshipper?

Dick Drake: No. No, no, no. There was some speculation to that early in the week, but, in essence, she was a heroin addict, she simply left her alone in the apartment for several days with the German Shephard. I think every analyst would agree the dog had nothing to eat, and as a result ate the child.

Leon Satin: Uhhhh — man, you really think that’s a bigger story than the DIET that lets you eat ALL the chocolate you want… and STILL lose twenty pounds a week? Hmm?

Dick Drake: Well… let me put it this way: If there’d been one more just slightly bizarre twist the the German Shephard story —

Leon Satin: Yeah.

Dick Drake: Let’s sayyyyy she’d been on her way to the prom, for example, or… just won the lottery the night her baby was eaten. I think we’d be talking about one of the most significant stories of the year.

ountess Luciana Palermo: More significant than Loni Anderson’s operation to reduce her breast size?

Dick Drake: Well, I just don’t think anybody was surprised by that, believe it or not.

Hugh Gaffney: [ interrupting ] I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! But… wouldn’t you say that the TOP story was the Presidential race, that Carter and Reagan seem to have nailed down their parties’ nominations! [ he smiles satisfactorily but gets no response ]

Paul Heverly: Well, Countess, your paper ran a very big story this week on the Kennedy campaign.

Dick Drake: Yes, Nick! As you know, we learned that immediately after the accident at Chappaquiddick, the first person Teddy called was not his wife or a close advisor, but an attractive, busty German divorcee Helga Wagner.

Paul Heverly: I understand your paper printed a verbatim transcript of their phone conversation?

ountess Luciana Palermo: Oh, yes! It was a psychic reconstruction of the conversation, which we ran completely unedited.

Dick Drake: Countess. Am I wrong on this, or was she on her way to her Senior prom when she received the phone call from Kennedy?

ountess Luciana Palermo: Oh, nooooo. But wouldn’t it have been something if she HAD been?

Paul Heverly: Leon, with the summer months coming up, can we look forward to any more cattle mutilations or hammer murders? Uh, perhaps some manifestations of the spirit of Elvis Presley speaking through people’s air conditioner vents?

Leon Satin: Uhhh, certainly, man! It’s going to be a loooooong, hot summer! No question about that. BUT! I think the story that’s just NOT going to go away… is 10 Ways to Beat the Heat!

[ the panelists agree, as Hugh waves his hand ]

Paul Heverly: Hugh? You have a thought?

Hugh Gaffney: Yes. I’m sorry, I just can’t help but think that the economy is one of the major stories at the moment, simply because it affects SO many people.

[ the panelists stare silently at Hugh ]

Dick Drake: Well, I think perhaps what Hugh is trying to get at, is that when times are tough, people will be under a lot of emotional pressure. I think, if it’s me, I think we’ll see MORE stewardesses thrown in front of suburban trains, MORE groups of Japanese tourists doused with gasoline and set on fire — I agree with you.

Hugh Gaffney: Uh, no — I was thinking more of the effect of the recession on the average family.

ountess Luciana Palermo: [ excited ] Ohhhh! You mean like the Detroit auto worker with eight kids, who was laid off from his assembly-line job!

Hugh Gaffney: Yes!

ountess Luciana Palermo: And he went a little crazy, murdered his entire family and buried them in the neighbor’s back yard!

Hugh Gaffney: No! No!

Dick Drake: If I’m not mistaken, Countess, wasn’t that the night of his eldest daughter’s Senior Prom?

Hugh Gaffney: NO!

Dick Drake: No, I recall that.

Hugh Gaffney: That’s not — that’s not it!

Paul Heverly: Hugh, this sounds like a fascinating story. But, uh, unfortunately, we’ve run out of time. Perhaps you could come back on the show and you could tell us the story of this insane auto worker.

Dick Drake: I’d like to hear more about that.

Hugh Gaffney: I — I —

Paul Heverly: I’d like to thank our regulars — a berzerk auto worker! — I’d like to thank our regulars and our special guest. Hguh Gaffney. Good night from “Weeke in Review”.

[ jazzy them music pots back up, as a disgruntled Hugh Gaffney rises to shove copies of the New York Times into his briefcase ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] For a transcript of this program, send 75-cents to:
THE WEEK IN REVIEW
Suite 200 G
Palm Court Motor Hotel
Hollywood, Florida ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts