Steve Martin: Well, that’s it for another show, and… we’re standing out here with one minute to kill. So… [ he turns to see Bill Murray still dressed in his deer suit ] Say, that reminds me! Next week’s host will be… Buck!
[ everyone cheers, as Steve points to Bill and the closing music begins to play ] [ Steve leads the cast and musical guests past the band stage, where he hangs out and jams with them as the cast and musical guests continue to walk past ]
Announcer: Next Saturday Night, our host will be Buck Henry with musical guest Andrew Gold and James Cleveland. Tonight’s Don Pardo’s Announcer’s costume was entirely hand-made! Good night!
[ as the credits continue to roll, we cut to the crew picking up all the equipment in London at daybreak, as Father Guido Sarducci loiters on the sidewalk nearby ] [ return to the studio, with Steve still jamming with the band ]
…..Jane Curtin Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello
Jane Curtin: Good evening! It’s been 122 days since Paul McCartney was arrested in Japan for possession of marijuana; and it’s been 122 days since Paul McCartney last smoked marijuana. now, Weekend Update continues to bring you the most comprehensive coverage of this crisis. We sent to England the same correspondent who almost got an exclusive interview with Paul in a Tokyo priosn. Of course, I’m referring to our own Father Guido Sarducci. Even though it’s 4:30 in the morning over there, we’ve set up a live satellite feed with Father Sarducci in London. Father, are you there?
Father Guido Sarducci: [ via satellite; hair braided ] Hello, Jane. I’m a-standing here in front of-a where Paul McCartney is a-staying in the West End section of London, England.
Jane Curtin: Is Paul there with you, Father?
Father Guido Sarducci: Well, a-not yet, Jane. But he’ll be a-down at any moment, Jane. This here, this is-a his a-office. And up-a there on the second floor, that’s-a his apartment. He’s been holed up-a there since he was-a paroled from a-prison. [ throws penny at window; it bounces off unnoticed ] Secoind floor up there. He should be down-a any minute now. Hey.. I bet you’re a-wondering about my hair, right?
Jane Curtin: It does look a little different.
Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you! This is-a the latest in Italy.. it’s called a Corn Roll. Some people, they call it “Maize Roll”. There’s a new movie just-a come out about a month ago – it’s called “Diez”, it means Number 10. There’s-a a girl in-a the movie, she’s-a real pretty, they say she’s-a real Diez, you know? She’s got hair just-a like this, and all-a the women in Italy, they went and had this. And then this actor, his name is Victor Gasmann – very famous, wonderful actor – came in with his hair like this, and now men have it, too. Costs me 40,000 lira – a lot of money, but I tell you it’s worth it, you know, ’cause they said you could-a leave it like this for-a four or-a five months – don’t have to wash it or nothing!
Jane Curtin: Father, thanks for telling us about your hair, but is Paul McCartney there or not?
Father Guido Sarducci: Well, of course-a he is! This is-a where he’s been a-hiding ever since he’s been-a paroled – I told you that. He’ll be right down any minute now.. if you’ll hold your horses, he’ll be down..
Jane Curtin: Father, you told us you had a definite appointment set up with him for 11:30!
Father Guido Sarducci: That’s right, I did. I sent him a certified letter, and-a everything. But, you know, I think what happened was, he got-a the time messed up. You see, I told him 11:30, but over here now it’s 4:30 in the morning.. and I think, probably, he thought I meant 11:30 England time. It’s a long story, but what it is – the time changes as you travel across-a the ocean. It goes-a like this – every thousand miles, time changes one hour. You know, like, in-a New York-a now, it’s 11:30; then, in Iceland, it’s-a 12:30; then..
Jane Curtin: Father, Father, you said you had it all set up, that Paul McCartney would open the show for us. That’s why we spent so much money to hook up this live remote from London.
Father Guido Sarducci: Well, I think it’s just a matter of a moment, before he wakes up and comes-a down here. You just have to be-a patient.. what it is, it’s trans-atlantic, it seems like that.. it’s very complicated..
Jane Curtin: Father, I don’t think we can wait any longer. We’ve got to start the show.
Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. I guess I could get somebody else to open the show.. but I know Paul is gonna be very, very disappointed..
Jane Curtin: I’m sure he’ll understand.
Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. there’s a lot of people here.. [ points offscreen ] Here’s a fellow, a milkman.. Buddy? Could you come over here a minute, please? Do me a little favor? [ Milkman walks up ] Hey, listen, if you would, please, look into the camera, and I want you to read that.. [ hands him note ] ..if you would, please..
Milkman: [ reads note ] “Live, from New York and London, it’s Saturday Night.”
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Strother Martin!
Strother Martin: Thank you, thank you. (bows, waits for applause to die down) You know, I’ve been watching this show for years and I’ve always wondered how they pick the hosts. Well, this week I found out. I was in a restaurant here in New York and I noticed a group of strangers at another table. They seemed kind of rowdy, and they kept staring at me. Well, this happens to me all the time because I’m a character actor. I’m the kind of person you know you’ve seen before but you can’t always remember where. Finally, one of the strangers came over to my table and said that they were all from Saturday Night Live and that he was the producer. And then he told me how much they all admired my work. And then he asked me if I could the show some time, and I said “sure”. And he took my number. Well, I didn’t think much about it until the next morning when I got a call from the producer and he asked me if I could do the show this week! I said, “sure”. And he said, “That’s great, Tennessee”. Tennessee? It was then that I realized that they had mistaken me for the playwright Tennessee Williams. You know, in this business I’ve learned that when opprotunity knocks you grab it by the throat. So all through reherasals I was glad to talk about The Glass Menagerie, Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, wonderful plays, even if I didn’t write them. But, it has been a great week anyway. And as Blanche DuBois said, “I’ve always depended on the kindness of strangers”. We’ll be right back!
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello …..Paul McCartney …..Linda McCartney
Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. the penny hitting the window didn’t-a work; my serenade didn’t-a work; but I know this is gonna work – a rock! [ turns around, throws rock at window, the lights turn on immediately ] That’s an old gossip columnist-a trick – Miss Rona toaught me-a that one. It’s works every time, he’ll be out I know it, you can-a bet on it! He’s coming, this is it, I can’t-a believe it!
[ Paul McCartney walks outside ]
Paul McCartney: What’s going on here?
Father Guido Sarducci: That rock, it was the milkman.. he did it, and then ran.
Paul McCartney: It wasn’t you?
Father Guido Sarducci: No, it wasn’t me. I’m-a here to do the interview. You know, I wrote you about it and everything, a registered letter..
Paul McCartney: Yeah, but that was supposed to be 11:30 last night, though.. I mean, you know.. it’s five in the morning now..
Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. it’s a long-a story.. There was a time change, you didn’t hear about it? It’s like, every piece of land is one hour less than the other one. It’s a long story.. it’s really involved, it gets a little technical, I don’t think you want to go into it, but that’s the reason..
Paul McCartney: Listen, could we do this tomorrow? ‘Cause, I mean, really, it’s awful late..
Father Guido Sarducci: This is live! Look at this, it’s live television! This a hook-up satellite to the United States. This is it, now, let’s do it! You know what I want to ask you: Is it true that you haven’t had any marijuana in 122 days – yes or no?
Paul McCartney: [ sighs ] It was my understanding that we were just going to talk about the videotape, you know? Are they showing it yet?
Father Guido Sarducci: No, it’s still coming up.. But I just would like to ask you a couple of questions first. Just a couple.
Paul McCartney: Alright, that’s fine. Just as long as they are questions about the tape – just the tape, okay?
Father Guido Sarducci: It has to be questions about the tape? Well.. [ thinking ] ..how long did it take to make-a the tape?
Paul McCartney: Well, it took a lot of time, actually, because I play a lot of different roles on the tape. It’s only about four minutes long itself, but it took over a week to shoot it.
Father Guido Sarducci: If you was still smoking, do you think it would have taken longer or shorter?
Paul McCartney: Well, it might have taken longer.. but it might have seemed shorter than that. But I don’t see how that matters..
Father Guido Sarducci: Well, it would have taken longer, but it would have seemed shorter, that’s your answer?
[ Linda McCartney joins the party ]
Linda McCartney: I thought you were coming at 11:30?
Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. Paul got the time mixed up. It’s a long, long story, but it’s-a like, every piece of land is an hour earlier, and live far aay, so it’s really, really early there..
Paul McCartney: Linda’s in the tape, too.
Linda McCartney: Yeah, Paul plays ten of the characters, and I play two backup singers – one’s a fella.
Paul McCartney: Yeah, you know, most of the characters are based on certain definite people – I mean, for instance, you’ve got the keyboard player of The Sparks, and you’ve got Hank Marvin of The Shadows, you probably know them.
Father Guido Sarducci: Hank Marvin? Well, I’ve heard of him, but I don’t know him personally..
Paul McCartney: Well, we have this saxophone section, and there’s this hippie guy at the end of it. Well, he kind of gets all the stuff wrong..
Linda McCartney: Oh, he’s my favorite, the hippie guy! The sax section is really in time – while they’re going forward, the hippie’s always out of tune and time, he goes back, and..
Paul McCartney: The dancing I have to do is, like, real complicated to do, you know? I have to imagine the people.. it’s..
Father Guido Sarducci: Hey, I bet it is real hard to dance when you’re not stoned, am I right?
Paul McCartney: It wasn’t easy, but.. uh.. are you gonna show the tape?
Father Guido Sarducci: Yes. We are gonna show the tape, for sure. But I just want to aks you one more question, if you don’t mind. It’s very important, people want to know..
Paul McCartney: It’s not about marijuana, right?
Father Guido Sarducci: No.. This is a question I really hate to ask you, ’cause I know everyone always asks you this-a question, but I’m a journalist, I have to do it, if you don’t mind. Paul: If, just-a if, you could be any animal, what would it-a be?
Paul McCartney: Any animal?
Father Guido Sarducci: Any animal.
Paul McCartney: [ thinking ] Koala bear.
Father Guido Sarducci: Koala bear! Did you hear? Koala bear! Is that the little animal all the time, they eat eucalypse leaves, they get-a stoned all the time! Well, you heard it – koals bear! Well, that’s it. And you can take it back, America!
Announcer: A million years ago, May 17, 998020 B.C., man’s remote ancestors, the Hominids, roamed the Savannahs of Africa. Of course, it would be easy to make fun of these precursors of modern man for their brutish appearance and sloppy eating habits, but we should remember that someday we too will have descendents much more advanced than ourselves. What will they think of today’s hamburger “joints” and “mod” Carnaby Street clothes? It is with this sense of humility that we present tonight’s docu-historama on: THE HOMINIDS.
Oakna: It has been a good day.
Mother Hominid: A good day! A good day!
Hominid #2: It sure has been a good day..
Hominid #3: Boy, I am full!
Hominid #4: I hope we eat this much tomorrow!
Mother Hominid: With Oakna as our Father Hunter, we will all have full bellies!
Strange One: [ eating banana ] Uh, say.. not to take anything away from Oakna, but, you know, we were lucky to scare off that lion and take its prey.
Oakna: [ interceding angrily ] The lion knew Oakna, and fled in fright. I am swift, and I am strong.
Strange One: Okay, okay, okay, okay..
Oakna: Now.. it is time to howl at the moon!
Hominid #2: Yes. We howl at moon.
Hominid #3: Yes.
Hominid #4: I will like that.
[ they all walk off, including Oakna, who dumbly steps into the fire and howls in pain ]
Strange One: Hey, Mom.. can I talk to you a second..?
[ the other Hominids can be heard offscreen howling at the moon ]
Mother Hominid: What is it, my Strange One?
Strange One: I don’t know, Mom.. it’s Oakna, he’s driving me crazy..
Mother Hominid: But he is our Father Hunter! He is swift and strong!
Strange One: I know. But he’s so stupid, and he lies constantly.
Mother Hominid: It is dangerous to talk that way about Oakna. I will not listen!
Strange One: Alright, alright.. I’ll draw a little bit. [ draws on rock as Weena pops out of cave ] Oh, hi, Weena, glad to see you!
Weena: You make me wet!
Strange One: Ah, well.. it’s very nice of you to say that. Listen.. I want to show you something.. [ draws the image of a bison on the rock ] How do you like this bison? Look at that!
Weena: [ frightened ] What bison?!
Strange One: Right here. Right here on the wall. You see, it’s got little eyes, and the legs here, and the tail..
Weena: [ screaming ] Oh, no! A bison! A bison!
Strange One: No, no! It’s just the image of a bison.
Weena: Ohhh.. it was scary! You were brave! [ giggles ]Weena want you! [ walks by the fire and shakes her tail for theStrange One ]
Strange One: Well.. okay, I’ll take a little of that! That would be nice..
[ Oakna stomps in, angry, and pulls Weena aside ]
Oakna: You do not get this!
Strange One: Hey, hey, hey! I didn’t do anything!
Oakna: The woman is mine!I am the FatherHunter! I am swift!I am strong!
Strange One: Hey, no one is questioning your swiftness or yourstrength here..
[ the Hominids return and sit in front of the fire ]
Hominid #2: Mmm.. Oakna, the fire is good!
Hominid #4: I like fire!
Oakna: Thank you. Tomorrow, the men will hunt! Perhaps the bison will die for us.
Strange One: Uh, Oakna.. since we’re on that subject again, I have a couple of ideas about the bison hunt I’d kind of like to share them with you. Now, I know you’re the leader, but I want you to hear me out on this, okay? Now, have you ever noticed how we’re always chasing the bison? The fact is, the bison is swifter than we are. Swifter even – and I say this with all due respect – swifter even than Oakna.
Oakna: [ interested ] Ye-e-es?
Strange One: So, come over here and look at this.. [ jumps to the ground to grab some rocks, as Oakna dumbly steps into the fire again and howls ] Let’s say that we represent the rocks – these rocks are us. Now, we’ll put them around in a circle, like this, and this.. [ holds up large rock ] ..will be the bison, alright? Now, whichever way the bison runs, he’ll run into one of us!
Oakna: [ pause ] We are not rocks.
Strange One: [ aghast ] Oh, you’re missing the point! This isso simple!
Hominid #3: Wa-ait.. do you mean that we make a circle around the bison?
Strange One: Yes!
Hominid #3: Oh.. so if the bison runs away from me, he will run to you?
Strange One: Yes!
Hominid #4: That is smart!
Oakna: You are smart. But I am swift. And I am..
Strange One: [ finishing his thought ] Strong.
Oakna: Yes. I am strong, and I am swift!
Strange One: Okay, you are swift and strong, and I am smart.. and, together, we can improve our lives. Perhaps, we can even stop wandering, and build permanent dwellings and domesticate animals. Why, we could then have leisure time to develop a system of symbols, and to record events and communicate ideas, creating a civilization beyond our wildest imagination.
Oakna: You are smart. But it is late, and we must sleep, so tomorrow we can begin on this work.
Good. We must sleep. Yes, let’s hit the dirt. We did good.
Strange One: Yes.
[ everyone spreads out on the ground and falls asleep ]
Oakna: [ sits and watches the Strange One fall asleep behind a rock, then picks up a bigger rock and holds it over the Strange One ] I am strong! [ pounds the Strange One with rock, killing him ] And now, I am smart [ smiles happily, and dumbly steps into the fire once more, burning his foot ]
Carl Sagan…..Harry Shearer Mie…..Laraine Newman Kei…..Gilda Radner Marvin Hamlisch…..Paul Shaffer …..Howard Johnson …..Lou Marini …..David Sanborn …..Howard Shore
Announcer: [ over SCROLL ] “During the past few months, NBC has brought you new television experiences in live music and live theater. Tonight, live from Studio 8H, NBC presents a new concept in public service informational programming, featuring the distinguished television scientist, Dr. Carl Sagan.
[ dissolve to Carl Sagan ]
Carl Sagan: Good evening! I’m Dr. Carl Sagan. [ the audience applauds ] Thank you! Thank you so much. And these are my two new and very good friends Mie and Kei… the remarkable Pink Lady! [ Mei and Kei surround Sagan as he wraps his arms around them ] And we are “Pink Lady and Carl”!
[ title card appears as the girls bow ]
Carl Sagan: Thank you. Tonight, the girls and I are going to explore some of the mysteries of this thing we call The Universe. [ to the girls ] Isn’t that right?
Mie: Yes! We can’t wait to find out all about time and space!
Kei: Like where’s our parking space… and what time we have to be here!
Carl Sagan: Hardly something! You know, one of the questions that’s been most baffling to astronomers — and one that fascinated me, until I got kind of busy — is the story of how the universe itself originated. It’s the science of cosmology, and here to help us to explain the nature of existence… is a close, personal friend of the entire universe — Mr. Marvin Hamlisch!
[ Marvin Hamlisch appears from behind a rotating facade of the set ]
Marvin Hamlisch: Hi, Carl!
Carl Sagan: Marvin, have you met Mie and Kei?
Marvin Hamlisch: [ sniffling ] Yes, as a matter of fact we… we met backstage in Make-Up! They were getting blusher applied to their sushi! You know what I mean?
Kei: My boy-friend took me to see mo-vie you did mu-sic for — “The Stink”!
Marvin Hamlisch: That’s “The Sting“. You know, I’m an important man in this business. Take it easy, or you’ll be back opening shopping centers in Hakido!
Carl Sagan: [ holding up a homemade atom ] Say, uh, Marvin — you know waht this is, of course?
Marvin Hamlisch: Oh… of course. It’s the atom. But… but what does this have to do with the universe, Dr. Sagan?
Carl Sagan: Well, a few years ago, astronomers, using new, very sensitive x-ray telescopes, picked up radio waves that were older than anything else ever recorded by man. Now, what we now think is this radio noise… is the explosion left over from the original Big Bang… that formed our cosmos. vI thought they were formed b North American Soc-cer League!
Mie: Not Cos-mos, stu-pid! — The Cos-mos!
Carl Sagan: Aren’t they something! Now, this Big Bang Theory of the universe is the one that’s most popular with scientists right now.
Kei: Oh, yes! Carl… we have that in Jap-an!
Carl Sagan: You do?
Mie: Sure! That what happens when a bullet train hit a daschund!
Carl Sagan: Well… not really. But here’s Marvin with Mie and Kei to illustrate an idea that may be equally as valid as the Big Bang Theory of the universe. It’s the… Big Band Theory.
[ Hamlisch sits behind his piano and plays, as Mie and Kei climb on top and dance ]
[ members of the SNL Band and perform a jazz-rock version of Deodato’s “Also Sprach Zarathustra” ]
Carl Sagan: [ clapping ] That is remarkable, Marvin! Remarkable girls. Just remarkable.
Marvin Hamlisch: Thank you. Thank you. But I’ve still got one question, Doctor…
Carl Sagan: Well, what is it?
Marvin Hamlisch: Well… Is the universe expanding forever? …Or will the whole process reverse itself one day, and… turn itself around and everything start to get smaller?
Carl Sagan: Well, that’s the… muckingly intriguing thing, Marvin! We… just don’t know!
Marvin Hamlisch: Well, gee… if YOU don’t know, I’d better get out of here!
Mie: Oh, what your hurry, Marvin?
Marvin Hamlisch: Well… I’d hate not to win another Oscar before this whole mishiga starts shrinking, you know what I mean?
Carl Sagan: Marvin, I know that, in all seriousness, you actually have to go tape a cerebral palsy special. Thank you for dropping by.
Marvin Hamlisch: Hey, wait a minute — I didn’t get to mention that I wrote the theme of “Good Morning, America”…
Carl Sagan: [ pushing Marvin away ] Marvin Hamlisch! What a guy! Well, you know, next week we’ll explore the surprising detective story of unraveling the development of human intelligence, with our special guests: Erik Estrada and Gloria Loring.
Mie: Oh, Carl! You know… we like you!
Kei: Yes! You are very smart!
Carl Sagan: Well… thank you, girls. [ he laughs ] You’re smart, too! Uh — before we go, is there anything else you know how to say in English?
Mie & Kei: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday… Night?”
Steve Martin: Do I look okay? I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “Hey. Where has Steve been? Haven’t seen him on ‘Saturday Night Live’ in a while..” [ chuckles ] They want me. They call me every week to do the show. But I have been holding out for a little bit of this.. [ rubs his fingers together ] And so the calls fly back and forth, and I made a deal, and I’m very happy to be here tonight. I wish I’d asked for money instead of a little bit of this.. [ rubs his fingers together again ]
You probably heard I was into the comedy thing. Kind of getting out of that now.. into a little more serious deal. And so that’s why right now I’d like to talk about “What.. I.. Believe..”
[ heavy music starts to play ]
“What I Believe.”
I believe in rainbows and puppy dogs and fairy tales.
And I believe in the family – Mom and Dad and Grandma.. and Uncle Tom,who waves his penis.
And I believe 8 of the 10 Commandments.
And I believe in going to church every Sunday, unless there’s a game on.
And I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome and natural things.. that money can buy.
And I believe it’s derogatory to refer to a woman’s breasts as “boobs”, “jugs”, “winnebagos” or “golden bozos”.. and that you should only refer to them as “hooters”.
And I believe you should put a woman on a pedestal.. high enough so youcan look up her dress.
And I believe in equality, equality for everyone.. no matter how stupidthey are, or how much better I am than they are.
And, people say I’m crazy for believing this, but I believe that robots are stealing my luggage.
And I believe I made a mistake when I bought a 30-story 1-bedroom apartment.
And I believe the Battle of the Network Stars should be fought with guns.
And I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was – an arctic region covered with ice.
And, lastly, I believe that of all the evils on this earth, there is nothing worse than the music you’re listening to right now. That’s what I believe.
Jim Lange…..Bill Murray Iris de Flaminio…..Jane Curtin Shonda The Cat Lady…..Laraine Newman Colleen Fernman…..Gilda Radner Don Johnson…..Bob Newhart Rod Serling…..Harry Shearer
[ open on game show set, “Spanish Flea” playing, as Jim Lange rushes onstage ]
Jim Lange: Hello, out there! I’m Jim Lange, and I hope you’re ready to play America’s favorite past time — “The Dating Zone”! Before I introduce tonight’s lucky bachelor, why don’t we get to know tonight’s three lucky bachelorettes? And heeeeeeee’re they arrrrrrrre!
[ the set slowly swivels around to reveal tonight’s three bachelorettes ]
Jim Lange: Bachelorette #1 hails from The Bronx, New York — she collects swizzle sticks and cocktail napkins; a former go-go dancer, she hopes one day to be a go-go dancer again; meet: Iris de Flaminio!
Bachelorette #2 comes to us from Marina del Ray — she enjoys decorating with snakes and piercing delicate tissue with hot-rinse precision tools, with whipped potatoes from 50 feet; let’s say Hello to Shonda the Cat Lady!
And Bachelorette #3 is the Mata Hari of the group — we don’t know where she’s from, and she doesn’t know where she’s from; her hobbies are staring and trying to milk animals that don’t give milk; her favorite vegetable is herself, just kidding! Let’s meet Colleen Fernman!
Now, it’s time to meet the lucky guy who gets to score with one of these luscious lovelies — and I don’t mean Poise! [ he guffaws at his joke ] Let’s make him feel welcome — Don Johnson!
[ Don steps out relunctantly, carrying a bag of groceries ]
Jim Lange: Well, Don, I guess you’re just rarin’ to go!
Don Johnson: [ confused ] I — uh — see, I don’t belong here. This, uh — there’s been some mistake. I-I-I need to get back home, my wife’s waiting for me.
Jim Lange: It looks like loverboy’s got a case of the jitters! Okay, Don — have you got your prepared questions? [ he takes Don’s groceries ]
Don Johnson: Mmm… uh — no.
Jim Lange: Well, look in your breast pocket there!
[ Don begins to fish through his pockets, as “The Twilight Zone” music plays and the camera pans over to a dark stage with Rod Serling standing in the middle ]
Rod Serlinge: Meet Don Johnson. He’s an ordinary man who goes out to pick up a few groceries for his wife. On his way home, he innocently accepts a free ticket to a TV game show, and finds himself trapped in a nightmare for which there is… no escape. Soon, he will be forced to choose between… [ slow pan across the bachelorettes ] Bachelorette #1, a sagging, burned-out boozehound; or Bachelorette #2, a bizarre deviant with a talent for torture; or Bachelorette #3, a woman-child whose mind swims with wisps of a life once pathetic… now tragic. Poor Don Johnson. He has just stumbled into… “The Dating Zone.”
[ dissolve to title card ]
[ dissolve back to game show set ]
Jim Lange: Alright, Don “Juan” Johnson! Let’s let the good times roll with the first question!
Don Johnson: [ looking at the card in his hand ] Do I — do I have to read this?
Jim Lange: [ laughing ] Oh, come on, come on!
Don Johnson: You don’t understand — I-I love my wife.
Jim Lange: [ guffawing ] Come on!
Don Johnson: Alright, uh — [ reading the card ] “Bachelorette #1: If I were an ice cream cone… what would you do to me, and what flavor would you want me to be?” [ he grimaces ]
Iris de Flaminio: I would let you get HOT and MELT… and then I’d catch the driplets with my tongue. And I would hope that you’d be Rum Raisin!
Don Johnson: [ disturbed ] Oh… okay. [ reading next card ] Uh — “Bachelorette #2: What are the three things you’d consider essential for a great date?”
Shonda the Cat Lady: Uhhhh — uh, let’s see, um… manacles… raw meat… and, let’s see… a makeshift plywood pillory. Yeah.
[ Jim guffaws loudly and touches his wrist with a sizzle ]
Don Johnson: Who is — who is that? What’s she talking about?
Jim Lange: [ laughing ] Don, you’re just gonna have to wait and find out! Come on, come on!
Don Johnson: [ reading ] Uh — “Bachelorette #3: What animal would you say you are most like?”
[ Colleen bounces her head in every direction without saying a word ]
Don Johnson: Bachelorette #3? What animal would you say you are most like?
[ Colleen continues to bounce her head in every direction without saying a word ]
Don Johnson: #3? Is someone there?
Jim Lange: [ enjoying this ] In a way, yeah!
Don Johnson: Uh — #2: What animal?
Shonda the Cat Lady: Um — what’s that insect that bites the head off its mate during sex? You know the one? Um…
Don Johnson: Uh — a praying mantis?
Shonda the Cat Lady: Oh! Yeah. Yeah.
Don Johnson: Num– Number — #1?
Iris de Flaminio: I know this doesn’t exactly answer the question, but, in all honesty, I’d just like to sincerely say that I could show you a good time, sexually. I get a lot of guys who stay right through to the morning!
Don Johnson: Look, I’m — I’m — I’m a happily married man.
Jim Lange: Well, I don’t think these babes really give a hot damn whether you’re married or not, Don! So just go on and ask that next question, alright?
Don Johnson: Uh — [ he reads the card ] “Bechelorette #3: If you were doing a crossword puzzle, and you needed a 5-letter word for “Cat”, beginning with “P” and ending with “Y” –”
[ the theme music pots up ]
Jim Lange: Uh-oh! The time is up! Now, while Don decides, let’s hear some of the PRIZES our runners-up will receive! Don Pardo?
Announcer: Well, Jim — how about those Lapkiss Lucite Bar Stools? [ product slid appears ] The bar stools you LOVE to sit on! Or — [ new product slide appears ] How about a complete set of handsome Mexican Tourister Luggage? And, last but not least — [ new product slide appears ] An elegant Blt Buckle Hole Punch Kit by Fleschmaker! IF it’s a hole by Flaschmaker… you KNOW it’s not there!
[ dissolve back to Jim Lange ]
Jim Lange: Thank you, Don Pardo! And now the time of reckoning is upon us! Will it be… Bachelorette #1… Bachelorette #2… or Bachelorette #3?
Don Johnson: I — I can’t decide. I don’t want any of them. I — I mean, I don’t date!
Jim Lange: Well, now you do, Don! So, go on — make a selection.
Don Johnson: Uh — [ he shrugs ] Num– Number Three.
Jim Lange: Congratulations, #3! Come on, Don — let’s meet the bachelorettes you didn’t meet. Bachelorette #1: Say Hello to Iris de Flaminio! Coem on ot here, Iris!
Iris de Flaminio: [ stepping down ] You’ll NEVER know what you’re missing! You’re probably KICKING yourself right now, huh? [ she smacks Don playfully across the chest ]
Jim Lange: [ laughing ] And Bachelorette #2: Shonda the Cat Lady!
Shonda the Cat Lady: [ stepping down ] If you change your mind, I’ve got some tongue clamps back at my place!
Jim Lange: [ laughing ] You’re a good sport! And now, let’s meet our lucky winner — your date-to-be: Bachelorette #3! She’s a real space cadet, and hopes someday to have a personality! Meet Colleen Fernman! Colleen! [ she stretches out in her seat and glances around aimlessly ] Cooleen Fernman! [ she steps off in the wrong direction ] Colleen! [ she steps in the other direction ] Colleen Fernman! Come here, Colleen! [ she finally steps down ] Colleen Fernman! Colleen! [ she bumps into Don ] Ha, what a couple! You really look good together! [ she nuzzles against Don ] Well, I hope you both like to DANCE, because you’re gonna boogie ’til you DROP to the disco beat of Jerry Kravat’s Disco Orchestra in the revolving restaurant high atop the Holiday Inn in lovely Bakersfield, California! [ the audience cheers ] Oh, boy! Alright, you all ready to blow a big kiss? Alright?
[ Jim Lange blows a wet kiss to the audience and laughs, as the words “WET KISS” fly onto the screen ]
[ dissolve back to Rod Serling ]
Rod Serling: Submitted for your approval: Don Johnson, oppression’s minion… tyranny’s good sport. He accepted a free ticket and paid with his future. Now, he’s locked in an eternal hell fate… [ Colleen wanders past Serling ] In “The Dating Zone”!
Stephanie…..Laraine Newman Ronald Reagan…..Harry Shearer Niles…..Bill Murray Ed…..Steve Martin Nancy Reagan…..Jane Curtin Waiter…..Brian Doyle-Murray
[ open on restaurant setting, zoom in on table of Governor Ronald Reagan and his party ]
Stephanie: Governor, what do you think of President Carter’s policy on the influx of Cuban refugees?
Ronald Reagan: Well, I’d say the answer to that is… Maybe it’s time we put President Carter on welfare.
[ the group laughs ]
Niles: Governor, that’s very glib, but if my paper is going to endorse you in the Primary, we’ll need more than just cute one-liners.
Ed: Now, Niles, be fair — the man hasn’t finished his dinner yet, and already you want a State of the Union Address!
Stephanie: Well, I think Niles sometimes underestimates the value of a good one-liner. I mean, that’s what viewers seem to remember most about our newscasts — a good kicker line! I mean, we had one the other night. I think it was, uh… It was raining this month, too, and we had… we were doing a special series on how to lose weight. And my co-anchorperson, Bob Hawkins, just ad-libbed this line: “The more weight you lose… [ thinking ] the less of you there is to sweat!” Well, I want to tell you that switchboard went CRAZY! And the crew, of course… well, they loved it!
Ronald Reagan: [ smiling ] That’s great.
Niles: Governor, I know we don’t have you very much longer…
Ronald Reagan: No, and I’m sorry about that, but you know how tightly they schedule your time once it becomes pretty obvious that… you’re gonna win. Everybody wants a little piece of you. I think next time’s supposed to be at a potato festival in Boise!
Ed: Uh, Governor, for your own reference, the next appearance is at a Lion’s Club dinner in Seattle. The Potato Festival was last week.
Ronald Reagan: Oh, yes… yes, yes, that’s right. Nancy, that was where you sat on that cottage fry, wasn’t it, Mommy?
Nancy Reagan: No, dear, that was Denver.
Ronald Reagan: Yes… well. That’s substantially what I said.
Niles: Well, Governor, what about the hostages? Now, if we don’t back down… do we bomb our way in?
Ronald Reagan: Well, sir… I kind of look at it this way: Maybe it’s time we put the Ayatollah Khomeini on welfare!
[ the group laughs ]
Stephanie: Well, Governor, that would be one welfare mother we could do without, huh?
Ronald Reagan: [ he chuckles ] I think so!
Ed: Uh, on that note, I think we’re gonna have to blow the whistle here. But please be our guest for dinner, alright? [ he grabs the bill ]
Niles: No, no… we went over that before, Ed. Our paper has a policy that we never go out on anybody’s tab.
Ed: Now, come on — even the next President’s?
Niles: Anybody’s. Let’s divvy up the bill instead. [ he takes out some cash ]
Stephanie: I’m just thinking… I wonder if our station has a policy on that? [ Niles turns away ] I guess we do.
Ronald Reagan: Well… I had the uh, veal cordon bleu, and Mommy had the salmon tips, and, uh, if we split the wine, that would put us at about thirty dollars.
Ed: Uh, sir, if I remember correctly, you had the steak, Stephanie had the veal.
Ronald Reagan: Oh… yes.
Stephanie: Oh, that’s right! The man is so convincing, you know? I forgot what I had! It’s amazing, it really — it’s a gift!
Ronald Reagan: Well, then, Ed, uh… I guess, as I recall, the steak — I have a kind of mind for these kind of trivial figures. I think it wwas $5.95, wasn’t it?
Ed: Uh, sir… just to err on the side of accuracy, the steak was $12.75.
Ronald Reagan: [ laughing ] Well, you know, if you run for President every four years, you don’t often pay for your own steak!
Niles: [ handing money over ] Well, here’s $20 — that should cover me.
Stephanie: [ handing money over ] Yeah, here’s $20 for me — I should get three back.
Ronald Reagan: [ handing money over ] Here you go, Ed – that’s for me and Mommy!
Ed: [ hands money to Stephanie ] Here’s three back. [ he looks up ] Waiter?
[ the Waiter comes over to collect the bill ]
Ronald Reagan: [ to his party ] I just want to re-emphasize, once again, how unjust it is that Vietnam veterans are NOT eligible for the G.I. Bill. Now, Mr. Carter has had FOUR years —
Waiter: Uh, excuse me for eavesdropping, but… my brother is a Vietnam vet, and, uh, the G.I. Bill put him through Med School. [ he walks off ]
Ronald Reagan: Well… maybe we ought to put the Maitre’d on welfare! [ the group is silent ] Well, I’m not gonna give you a little speech about how you should endorse me in the Primary. I think you two can make up your own minds about what’s best for the people of Oregon.
Niles: Yes, sir.
Ronald Reagan: But I can tell you one thing: That check would have been a lot smaller… if this state didn’t impose a sales tax on its people. Well… good meeting you, Niles. [ he shakes Niles’ hand ] All my best, Stephanie. [ he shakes Stephanie’s hand ]
Stephanie: Thank you.
Ronald Reagan: Come on, Mommy! We don’t want to keep those Potato Heads waiting!
Ed: [ getting up ] We’ll check back in a few days, folks. If there’s anything we can do, please give us a call, alright? Thank you. Good bye.
Ronald Reagan: Good bye.
Nancy Reagan: Bye.
Ed: Let’s go.
[ Ed leads Mr. and Mrs. Reagan out of the restaurant ]
Stephanie: Niles, Oregon doesn’t have a sales tax, do we?
Stephanie: I didn’t think so. God, it’s amazing!
Niles: [ steamed ] Yes. It is.
Stephanie: I mean, the man looks TEN YEARS younger in person, don’t you think?
[ Stephanie exits the booth, as Niles gives her a furrowed look ] [ camera pans out on set, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Steosexuality” ] [ fade ]