SNL Transcripts: Burt Reynolds: 05/24/80: ABC News



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 20


79t: Buck Henry / Andrew Gold, Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity

ABC News

Frank Reynolds…..Harry Shearer
George Bush…..Jim Downey
Ted Kennedy…..Bill Murray
Oliver Selenko…..Paul Shaffer

FADE IN:

INT. ABC NEWS HEADQUARTERS – NEWSROOM – NIGHT

ABC News Anchor FRANK REYNOLDS is seated, facing the camera.

SUPER: FRANK REYNOLDS

Frank Reynolds: Good Evening. Last September, when the 1980 Presidential Election was only a year and a half away, we began covering the campaign. Tonight, two months before the conventions start, are projections have given the Republican nomination to Ronald Reagan and the Democratic nomination to Jimmy Carter. Hopefully, by Labor Day, we shall be able to project the actual election winner… And we can all spend September and October concentrating on football.

INSERT: A STILL OF AN HOURGLASS

SUPER: THE ’80 VOTE – ALMOST HALFWAY OVER

Frank Reynolds: So now this long primary campaign, this string of Tuesday nights, this raid of bar graphs and exit polls, the sleazy morning after in hotel bars – it all comes to an end. And like everything else in this election season, we at ABC News are bringing it to you two months early. Surely, the clearest sign that Carter and Reagan have clear sailing ahead came this week with the holding of a unique political forum.

INSERT: CONSOLATION DEBATE CHROMA KEY

Frank Reynolds: A consolation debate between Teddy Kennedy and George Bush, which will help to decide who comes in third place when Campaign ’80 closes the record books. This first ever confrontation between non-frontrunners, sponsored by The League of Voters Who Dress Like Women, was held earlier today. Here are some highlights of that consolation debate. First, George Bush…

INT. DEBATE HALL – DAY

GEORGE BUSH stands at a podium.

George Bush: I see America moving ahead in this decade.

SUPER: EARLIER THIS WEEK

George Bush: I see problems… sure. But if we didn’t have problems, there would be no need for solutions. I welcome the opportunity to debate Senator Kennedy. Sure, nobody will really win. Sure, it won’t count at the convention. Sure, it’s meaningless in November… but that’s the excitement of it. The sense that you’re doing something, just because you want to do it. And because, you want, you have nothing else to do.

INT. ABC NEWSROOM

Frank Reynolds: The candidates disagreed on Iran; Bush saying the President was too indecisive while Mr. Kennedy felt he wasn’t decisive enough. And then Mr. Kennedy made a final statement.

INT. DEBATE HALL

TED KENNEDY stands at a podium.

Ted Kennedy: I want to speak! To all the people out there who never won anything — except perhaps, the New York primary? All the people who enter sweepstakes…

SUPER: EARLIER THIS WEEK

Ted Kennedy: Who send in coupons from their Sunday paper? The little people of this country, who don’t even feel they have a chance to win. Even though their being told by the President and the media and others that they may have already won. I want those people to feel for once in their lives that someone is achieving something on their behalf. I want to win this debate and use this victory as a platform to try to give new meaning to the word “third place finish”. To make that a position of power, a position of importance, to do things for people like me — the people tonight who are not being notified by mail that they are winners.

INT. ABC NEWSROOM

Reynolds shakes his head.

Frank Reynolds: Quite moving when you stop to think about it. With us in our Washington studios tonight to help evaluate the campaign is our Director of Polling — Oliver Selenko.

Reynolds turns his chair to a monitor displaying OLIVER SELENKO, who’s standing beside a chalkboard labeled VOTING SUB-GROUPS 1976 and a circle below it.

Frank Reynolds: Ollie, based on what we know now, and what we don’t yet know — how does a Reagan-Carter race stack up in November?

Oliver Selenko: Well Frank, to understand an election, you have to understand the groups who are voting. Different groups of people vote in different ways and some don’t vote at all.

The SCREEN fills up with Oliver’s story.

Oliver Selenko: Statistically, this concept is often illustrated with the pie chart.

SUPER: OLIVER SELENKO

Oliver Selenko: In which, the different influence of sub-groups can be shown. Let’s take, for example, the blacks, who voted for Carter in 1976. But now, not as likely to vote, they may account for only six percent of the voting margin — a very small slice of the overall pie.

Oliver smears a piece of pie into the circle.

Oliver Selenko: Now, on the other hand, take the middle-class Protestants. Not only are they numerically a large group-

Frank Reynolds (V/O): Now, you’re talking about raw numbers now? Right, Ollie?

Oliver Selenko: Naturally. But they also turn out in larger percentages. And that makes them more significant in the election pie.

Oliver smears a larger piece of pie into the circle.

Frank Reynolds: Ollie, with the ERA and all, women will be a significant factor in this Presidential race. Could you break them out as a separate group?

Oliver Selenko: No problem there, Frank. Women are the most significantly statistic group in the entire voting population, and I think our chart makes that abundantly clear.

Oliver smears a massive piece of pie into the circle.

Frank Reynolds: Well, Ollie, I know pollsters are a careful breed. Have you seen anything in your crystal ball on how these groups will actually vote in November?

Oliver Selenko: No, not much crystal ball work yet, Frank.

Oliver has pieces of pie which have ruined his suit and he tries to flick them off.

Frank Reynolds: Well, plenty of time of it for the months ahead. And so, in midpoint of the ’80 vote, to all those faces and voices we shall see no more, to Lyndon LaRouche, and Bob Dole, and Jerry Brown, and Phil Gramm, we…

Reynolds is handed a piece of paper.

Frank Reynolds: This just handed to me. “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bob Newhart: 05/10/80: Restaurant




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 18








79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

Restaurant

Stan…..Bob Newhart
Nadine…..Jane Curtin
Waiter…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[ open in romantic restaurant, as violinist plays for diners and crosses past Stan and Nadine’s table ]

Stan: [ taking Nadine’s hand ] Nadine… I know we’ve only known each other for a couple of weeks, but I feel like… we’ve known each other forever.

Nadine: I know, Stan! It seems more like ten years instead of just ten days.

Stan: Nadine, I know this may seem crazy, but… well, i’ve ben thinking about it for quite a few days now, and… if I were to ask you to marry me… do you think you might say Yes?

Nadine: [ she laughs ] I can’t believe this!

Stan: Does that mean Yes?

Nadine: [ nervously ] Well, don’t you think we’re rushing it a little? I mean, people are gonna think we’re crazy!

Stan: Well, who cares what people think? I mean, I know that these last ten days have been the happiest days of my life.

Nadine: Well… I — I —

[ the Waiter stumbles in with their food ]

Waiter: A salad for the lady…

Nadine: Thank you.

Waiter: The lamb chops for the gentleman… asparagus… [ he tries to place all this food on the tiny table ] Excuse me… Would you like some sour cream with the…?

Stan: No! No! We’re fine, we’re fine. [ the Waiter leaves ] Are you sure you don’t… you don’t want anything more? You must get very tired of, you know, eating salads!

Nadine: Oh, no, no! It’s plenty! With the salad dressing, it makes it very filling!

Stan: What about Saturday?

Nadine: What about Saturday?

Stan: Getting married. How about next Saturday?

Nadine: Well… I thought you’d at least give me a couple of weeks’ warning?

Stan: Hey — I mean, if we’re gonna do it, let’s do it! I mean, is there something the matter, honey?

Nadine: Well… there’s something I have to tell you. And I’m afraid that after I tell you, you won’t want to marry me.

Stan: Honey, there is nothing you could tell me that would make me not want to make me marry you.

Nadine: This is different. Uh — it’s something I think I should have told you a long time ago. I used to be a lot different than I am now.

Stan: Don’t worry about it! I’ve been around a little myself. I mean, I know I’m not getting Kristy MacNichol, you know!

[ they laugh ]

Nadine: No, no — it’s not like that. I-I… I don’t know know how to tell you… [ a beat ] I used to weigh 260 pounds. [ she pulls a picture out of her purse ] This is me. [ she hands him the picture ] Well?

Stan: [ looking at the picture ] Well… it looks like it was taken on a nice day.

Nadine: I think I’m gonna go to the ladies room. Excuse me.

Stan: [ stopping her ] Sweetheart… sweetheart, please. I mean, do you think something like this would make me NOT want to marry you? I mean, that this would make me somehow stop loving you?

Nadine: I… I just thought that once you saw that…

Stan: Nadine, you shouldn’t rush to thoughts like that. I mean… my mother is even a little… a little fat. I mean, nothing like this. But… a little!

Nadine: [ grabbing a large roll ] I didn’t think it would make any difference… but, you know, I wasn’t sure! [ she laughs as she eats the roll with a large slab of butter ]

Stan: How, uh — how, how many years ago was this taken?

Nadine: [ chewing ] Oh! That was taken about four months ago. It was right before I had my jaw wired shut. [ pointing to his food ] Would you give me a piece of that? Just a teeny, tiny… [ he grabs a small piece ] No, no — here. [ she grabs a larger piece and chews a huge mouthful ] I didn’t have any solid food for about three months… [ she swallows ] That’s how I thinned down. It worked a LOT better than when I had my intestines tied off. No. It worked okay… but as soon as I got untied, I gained the weight right back! You know?

Waiter [ returning ] Is everything satisfactory?

Stan: [ annoyed ] Yes, yes! Fine, fine. Thank you.

Nadine: Can we have a dessert menu?

[ the Waiter nods and exits ]

Stan: Listen, uh… Nadine, about Saturday? You know, maybe you’re… maybe you’re right about, you know, about giving ourselves a little more time! [ he chuckles nervously ] I mean, you know, we’ve got the rest of our lives, right? What’s… [ she grabs a large piece of food and stuffs it into her mouth ] What’s… what’s the rush, right?

[ the violinist steps closer, but Stan shoos him away ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Lord Douchebag


Lord Douchebag

Noblewoman…..Laraine Newman
Nobleman…..Peter Aykroyd
Butler…..Garrett Morris
Lord Worchestershire…..Jim Downey
Lord Salisbury…..Harry Shearer
Lord Wilkinson…..Tom Davis
Lady Wilkinson…..Jane Curtin
Earl of Sandwich…..Bill Murray
Servant…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Lord Douchebag…..Buck Henry
Lady Douchebag…..Gilda Radner


[ SUPER: SALISBURY MANOR – 1730 ]

Noblewoman: What a splendid party! I do believe everyone of anyimportance in England is here tonight.

Nobleman: Who would miss a party given by Lord Salisbury?

Butler: [ waiting at the door for guests to arrive ] Lord and Lady Wilkinson!

Lord Worcestershire: A marvelous entertainment, Salisbury! These chopped steaks are terrific, especially with this delicious mushroom sauce.

Lord Salisbury: Thank you, Coming from you, Worcestershire, that certainly is a compliment. [ turns to his guests ] Lord and Lady Wilkinson, welcome!

Lord Worcestershire: Tell me, Wilkinson, what the deuce is the purpose of two swords?

Lord Wilkinson: It’s simple, really. Let’s say you’re an anattacker. My first blade straightens you upright, while the second clips you neatly at the ankles.

Lady Wilkinson: And there’s Lady Wilkinson, for attacking youropponent’s underarms and legs!

Butler: The Earl of Sandwich!

Nobleman: Tell me, have you seen Lord Cardigan?

Noblewoman: I understand he was turned away at the door..

Nobleman: Lord Cardigan? Why in heaven’s name?

Noblewoman: He wasn’t properly attired. Evidently, he came in asweater.

Nobleman: Odd. I saw Lord Ascot, and he got in..

Butler: The Duke and Duchess of Argyll!

Lord Worcestershire: You know, Sandwich.. were the Sandwich Islands named after you?

Earl of Sandwich: Oh, no. Everyone asks me that, but I’m afraidnothing has ever been named after a member of my family.

Servant: Excuse me, your Lordship, but would you care for one of Lord Salisbury’s steaks?

Earl of Sandwich: Yes, I would. Would you bring it to me with a couple slices of pumpernickel, please?

Servant: Yes. [ steps away ]

Butler: Lord and Lady Doucebag!

Lord Salisbury: Well, well, well.. I was just asking Lord Sandwich, “Where the devil are those Douchebags?”

Lady Doucebag: Well, it has been impossible to get him out of his workshop! He has been working day and night.

Lord Salisbury: You, Douchebag? Well, I wasn’t aware youdabbled in that sort of thing. What in heaven’s name are you working on?

Lord Doucebag: Well, I would be happy to tell you.. but perhapsafter you have finished eating.

Lord Salisbury: Well, here is Chambers right now. Would you like something to eat?

Lord Doucebag: We’re not too hungry right now – just a plate ofraw vegetables.

Lord Salisbury: Would you like some dresing with that?

Lady Doucebag: Just some vinegar and water, thank you.

Earl of Sandwich: Douchebag, how are you? I haven’t seen you in the House of Lords in ages! Don’t tell me for the first time in memory we are going to have a House of Parliament without a Douchebag?

Lord Doucebag: My dear Sandwich, Parliament has always had its share of Douchebags, and it always will.

Lord Salisbury: Spoken like a true Douchebag. I have often heard the King speak of your family.. [ to Earl of Sandwich ] ..and of yours, as well: “Give me a Sandwich and a Douchebag, and there is nothing I cannot do.”

Earl of Sandwich: Hear, hear!

Lord Salisbury: So, tell me, Douchebag.. when are you going to show us that invention of yours?

Earl of Sandwich: Yes, Douchebag, just what kind of an invention are you sitting on?

Lord Doucebag: Well, it’s a long story. Why don’t we go out to the garden, and I’ll explain it to you.

Earl of Sandwich: Tell me – did Lady Douchebag help you in theproject?

Lord Doucebag: Help? Why.. she was the inspiration!

[ they exit to the garden to discuss the wondrous invention ]

Butler: Lord Compost Heap and Lady Disinfectant Cake!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bob Newhart: 05/10/80: Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 18


















79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
…..Al Franken

Announcer: And now “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin, Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: Despite outraged protests from Saudi Arabia, PBS will broadcast “Death of a Princess”, a controversial docu-drama which tells the story of a Saudi princess who was executed for the crime of adultery. The Saudis have threatened to go into productino of their own docu-drama, entitled “Death of a Jewish-American Princess”, about a girl from Great Neck, Long Island who dies from complications of a nose job.

Out of the Rose Garden for the first time in six months, President Carter said he would have attended President Tito’s funeral, only if the late Yugoslav leader was buried in Philadelphia where Carter was campaigning.

And Pope John Paul II is calling his trip to Africa a “complete success.” The Pontiff has baptized thousands, exchanged ideas with African leaders, and recruited several good-looking prospects for the Vatican baskbetball team.

Bill?

Bill Murray: In a surprising victory for President Carter, the Russian Olympic Committee voted unanimously to boycott their own Summer Games in Moscow. The Soviets said that Carter’s boycott forced them to take a long, hard look at themselves, and they are ashamed at their own behavior.

Researchers at the NYU Medical School have discovered that, by applying ice packs to their testicles, they can raise the sperm count and cure certain types of male sterility. Subjects who tested this cold-compress treatment were able to impregnate their wives, who gave birth to Eskimos.

And a dozen of Thomas’s English Muffins, wearing pencil-thin mosutaches, were able to talk their way into the Library of Congress this morning, and stole a copy of “Treasure Island” by Robert Louis Stevenson. It’s the fourth time this year that muffin made it past library security.

Jane?

Jane Curtin: Almost 30,000 refugees have sailed from Cuba to Florida in the past two weeks. There was some concern that, among the refugees, are hundreds of social undesirables, such as mental patients, violent criminals, friends of Bebe Riboso, and members of Desi Arnaz’s original band.

The St. Petersburg Highway Department had to collapse the Tampa Bay Bridge yesterday, in order to apprehend a car that drive onto the bridge without paying the toll. The car apologizes to other cars and buses that were inconvenienced by the incident.

The remains of The Three Stooges were put on display at the Tate Gallery in London, last week. As always, Curly was the most popular.

Bill?

Bill Murray: Thank you. [ holding up paper ] This just in — Secretary of State Edwin Muskie has just resigned because of a dispute with President Carter over next week’s surprise hostage rescue attempt. Carter is trying to get Muskie to postpone his decision until after the attempt fails.

And Rosie Ruiz surprised everyone when she finished first in the South Carolina Democratic Primary last Tuesday. State election officials had doubts, however, claiming she entered the race at the last minute. But Rosie tearfully continued to stick to her story that she DID run in the Primary, and she plans to keep the deledates she won, taking them with her on a camping trip to the Pocono Mountains.

[ image: Jane Curtin smiling with Walter Cronkite ] CBS News anchorman Walter Cronkite categorically denied reports that he would accept the nomination as John Anderson’s running mate. Cronkite, shown here with a local hosebag, repeated the denial in his own familiar words, “That’s the way it is.”

Jane, just what did you have to do to get Mr. C. to pose with you?

Jane Curtin: [ snidely ] Bill, I don’t have to tell you a thing — as a journalist, I’m protected by the First Amendment!

Bill Murray: Well, good — at least you used some protection.

Jane Curtin: And now to talk about himself, is Weekend Update’s Social Sciences Editor Al Franken. Al?

Al Franken: Thanks, Jane! Since the Al Franken Decade started, a lot of people have been coming up and asking what they can do for me… Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] Now, the other day I was standing outside of Rockefeller Center, trying to get a cab, and I was trying to think what I was going to do for this week’s spot… and I came up with this GREAT idea! This hilarious idea! And then, some guy… walks up to me, and he says, “Hey! Al Franken!” [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] “I’m sorry to bother you… but I’d just like to say I really enjoy your work.” So I say, “Get lost, I’m trying to think.” So the guy leaves, and by this time… I’ve forgotten the idea. This great idea I’d be doing for you now, if it hadn’t been for this SCUM… who interrupted my thought process. Okay — so I get in the cab, and I start thinking: “How did this happen to me, Al Franken?” [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] And I figured it happened because I was trying to get a cab. I should have… a limosine. I mean, let’s be reasonable: Here I am — Al Franken [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] — one of NBC’s few bright spots… and I’m forced to wait for taxis with you ordinary people out on the street. So I started thinking: “Who does NBC give limos to, anyway?”

Okay — now there are some cast members here on “Saturday Night Live” who do get limo service from NBC. I’m not gonna complain about that. These people are my friends, it would seem a bit… petty. But Garrett? Okay. Anyway… I found out that NBC gives limosines to Tom Snyder and to Gary Coleman. Now, taste aside, these guys do star in their own shows, so I can’t really complain about them, either. But now, get this — who know who gets complete door-to-door limo service from NBC? Fred Silverman. Now, here’s a guy… who is a total, unequivocal failure. Okay? The guy’s been here two years… and he hasn’t done diddly-squat. Okay? And he gets a limo! Okay… [ he grabs a chart ] now, here’s a list of the top ten-rated shows this season in TV. Now, there’s some A’s there… some B’s… some C’s… uh… some S’s. You see those? You see any N’s? Not one N! [ he puts the chart down ] Why? ‘Cause Silverman is a lame-o! But he still gets limosine service. I like to call it “A Limo for the Lame-o.”

Okay. Now, this is where you come in, and you can help me… Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] I want all of you to write NBC and pressure them to get me a limosine. Now, just send a letter or a postcard to:

GET AL FRANKEN A LIMO!
c/o Fred Silverman
NBC-TV
30 Rockefeller Center Plaza
New York, N.Y. 10020

Now, this is VERY IMPORTANT! Write this address down, NOW! Get a pencil and paper, and write it down! Here, I’ll wait for you. [ he waits ] Now, I’m sure you’ve got a pencil SOMEWHERE in the house. Go get it. Don’t worry — I’ll yell… I’ll YELL so you won’t miss anything! [ yelling ] Now, if ENOUGH of you write… Silverman will HAVE TO GIVE ME THE LIMO!! Even though I’ve just DECIMATED HIM, that’s the WAY THINGS ARE AROUND HERE! He’s TIMID, INDECISIVE, and he’s EASILY PRESSURED!! HE’s WEAK!! Okay — once again, now that you’re back. That’s:

GET AL FRANKEN A LIMO!
c/o Fred Silverman
NBC-TV
30 Rockefeller Center Plaza
New York, N.Y. 10020

Okay. Now, if this works, and I get my limo, you’ll be doing me… Al Franken [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] a great favor! And, hopefully, I won’t be bothered by people like you! But if you do happen to see me getting out of my limo, or maybe in a fancy hotel or restaurant, or perhaps this summer in London or Paris or Minneapolis… don’t come up to me unless you happen to be an attractive female, who is prepared to engage in sexual intercourse with me… Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] Thank you!

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Al. That’s the news. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom! Have a pleasant tomorrow!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/17/80



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 19


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


May 17th, 1980

Steve Martin

3-D

Paul & Linda McCartney

None

None

None
Weekend Update Exclusive ReportSummary: It’s been 122 days since Paul McCartney was busted for possession of marijuana, and Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) hopes to land an exclusive interview.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Transcript

Montage

Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin recites a series of tenets entitled “What I Believe”.

Transcript

Real Incredible PeopleSummary: Overly enthusiastic hosts (Steve Martin, Gilda Radner, Bill Murray, Harry Shearer, Laraine Newman) are amazed by the normal feats of everyday people.

Transcript

Messy BurglarsSummary: Franklin (Bill Murray) and Phil (Steve Martin) break into a couple’s (Harry Shearer, Laraine Newman) just so they can make a mess, but then their mothers (Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner) break in to clean up the mess.

3-D performs “All-Night Television”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) tries to serenade Paul McCartney dwonstairs by singing a medley of Beatles tunes.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Transcript

The HominidsSummary:

Transcript

Weekend Update Exclusive Report IISummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) finally gets Paul and Linda McCartney’s attention and conducts his interview.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Transcript

Paul McCartney performs “Coming Up”

Reagan DinnerSummary:

Recurring Characters: Ronald Reagan, Nancy Reagan.

Transcript

Stretch MarksSummary: The new album from aging songstress Patty Caldwell (Gilda Radner).

Transcript

Deer CrossingSummary: A pair of deer (Steve Martin, Gilda Radner) cautiously try to cross the interstate after other deer (Bill Murray, Tom Davis) are hit by passing cars.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/17/80: Messy Burglars



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 19








79s: Steve Martin / 3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney

Messy Burglars

Husband…..Harry Shearer
Wife…..Laraine Newman
Phil…..Steve Martin
Franklin…..Bill Murray
Sadie…..Jane Curtin
Ruth…..Gilda Radner

[ FADE IN: ]

[ INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT ]

[ A HUSBAND and WIFE are assembling a jigsaw puzzle of Mount Rushmore while seated on a sofa. ]

Wife: Look! I think we’re starting to get Lincoln’s face.

Husband: No, no — that’s not his face…

[ Husband points to another area of the puzzle. ]

Husband: No, no — his face would be over here… that’s a cloud!

[ Wife examines the puzzle’s box. ]

Wife: I don’t see a cloud!

Husband: Look at the cover —

[ Two armed burglars, PHIL and FRANKLIN, burst into the room . ]

Phil: FREEZE!

Franklin: Don’t move or we’ll blow your brains out!!!

[ Wife cowers into her the Husband’s arms. ]

Wife: Honey…

Husband: It’s all right, sweetheart. Let’s just do as they say and I’m sure we’ll get out alive!

Phil: It’s all right, sweetheart. Let’s just, mister! This won’t take very long… Franklin, over there…

[ Franklin jumps over to another area of the living room and starts trashing the area and laughing hysterically. Phil does the same. ]

Wife: Honey, I’m scared! Are they going to do anything to us?

Husband: I don’t think they’re going to do anything to us. Once they get what they’re coming for, I think they’re going to leave.

Phil: Shut up, you two!

[ Franklin presses his pistol on top of the Wife’s head. ]

Franklin: I told you to keep your TRAPS shut!!!

[ Phil and Franklin continue to trash the place and insanely laugh. Phil starts destroying the jigsaw puzzle, much to the disgust of the couple. ]

Phil: You okay, Frankie?

Franklin: Yeah, Phil — I’m all right!

[ Phil and Franklin make their way to front door, open it, and aim their pistols at the couple. ]

Phil: Okay now, don’t get cute and try calling the cops!

[ Franklin grabs the couple’s phone, examines it with Phil, disconnects the cord, and shares an idiotic laugh with Phil. ]

Phil: What a great mess!

Franklin: It was nice to meet you!

[ Both depart. ]

Wife: Oh my God!

Husband: It’s all right, dear — it’s all over. They’re gone.

Wife: I didn’t see them take anything… Did you?

Husband: No! That was the odd thing.

[ Husband gets off the couch and grabs the phone off the floor. ]

Husband: This place sure is a mess!

[ Two armed elderly women, SADIE and RUTH, burst into the room. ]

Sadie: FREEZE!

Ruth: Don’t move or we’ll blow your brains out!!!

Wife: Honey…

[ Sadie presses her pistol against the Wife’s neck. ]

Sadie: Shut up, little lady and no one will get hurt!!!

[ Ruth points her pistol at the Husband. ]

Ruth: You drop that phone and sit down! DROP IT! Now, SIT DOWN!!!

[ Husband drops the phone. ]

Husband: Yes, Ma’am.

[ Ruth joins Sadie. Husband consoles the Wife in his arms. ]

Sadie: Now, did two young men just come in here and do this to your apartment?

Husband: Yes, Ma’am!

Ruth: And did their names happen to be Franklin and Philip?

Wife: Yes, they just left! Who are you?

Ruth: We’re their mothers and we’re here to clean up. [beat] All right, Sadie — you take that side of the room, and I’ll take this side.

[ Wife gets up. ]

Wife: Maybe we can help you with something?

[ Sadie plunks the Wife back on the sofa. ]

Sadie: Not on your life! [beat] You better keep an eye on this one, Ruth…

[ Sadie drags Phil over to Franklin. A pistol is lodged to his side. ]

Sadie: And what about you, Philip?

Phil: I’m sorry, too. We made a mess. We shouldn’t have and it won’t happen again.

Ruth: Okay everybody — thank you very much! We’ll just be on our way, now. Sorry for the trouble.

[Ruth starts browbeating Franklin’s back with her pistol. ]

Ruth: I told you once, Franklin — I’ve told you a thousand times not to do something like this.

Franklin: You don’t have to browbeat me, mother.

[ The mothers and their sons depart. ]

Wife: Now, what?

[ Husband snaps his fingers. ]

Husband: I call the maid! Tell her she doesn’t have to come in tomorrow.

[ Wife nods her head. Both go back to assembling the puzzle. ]

[ Camera PANS OUT to show the Studio 8H audience applauding. ]

[ FADE OUT ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

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Stretch Marks


Stretch Marks

Patty Caldwell…..Gilda Radner


Announcer: Now, at last, an album for career women in their late30’s – featuring the expressive, the moody, the 38-year-old Patty Caldwell. Finally reaching maturity with her new LP release, Stretch Marks.

Patty Caldwell: [ singing ]“Stretch Marks. Stretch Marks.
Footprints of time on my skin..

Announcer: Patty Caldwell reaches back into her own experiences, to bring back to life tunes like “I Used to be Quite Interesting, Really”, “F-U-L-L-F-I-L-L-M-E-N-T”.

Patty Caldwell: [ singing ]“F-U-L-L-F-I-L-L-M-E-N-T.
That’s what this boy does to me.
F-U-L-L-F-I-L-L-M-E-N-T.That’s what life means to me.

Announcer: “I Feel Sorry For People in Love”. “My Songs Are My Children”.

Patty Caldwell: [ singing ]“I’m married to music.
My songs are my children.
I’m married to music.
My songs are my kids.
I’m married to music..

Announcer: “Bad Child”. “Cats”. “You Call Me Bitch One More Time I’ll Scratch Your Eyes Out”. Patty shares her lonely moments with you, in songs like “You’ll Be Sorry Someday”.

Patty Caldwell: [ singing ]“You’ll be sorry someday..
when she begins to look like me.
Is that your car..?

Announcer: “Kids – It’s Academic Now (Too Risky)”. “Me and Me Against the World”. “Yesterday’s Dreams”. “Droopin'”. “Vantage Blues”.

Patty Caldwell: [ singing ]“Fifty bucks in the ashtray.
I’ve got those vantage blues again..”

Announcer: “My Niece is Such a Drag”. “Man’s World Without Men”. Patty Caldwell lets it all hang out, with her new Stretch Marks. This album is not available in record stores. Send your check or money order to: Stretch Marks, Grand Central Station, Box 202. Only $8.75 for the record album, or $11.15 for 8-track cassette.

Patty Caldwell: [ singing ]“Stretch Marks. Stretch Marks.
Footprints of time on my skin..

Announcer: Hurry. She’s getting older.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/17/80: Deer Crossing



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 19






79s: Steve Martin / 3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney

Deer Crossing

Deer #1…..Steve Martin
Deer #2….Gilda Radner
Cow…..Garrett Morris
Deer #3…..Bill Murray
Female Motorist…..Jane Curtin
Male Motorist…..Al Franken
Deer #4…..Tom Davis

[ open on Deer Crossing sign at the edge of an interstate highway, as two deer standing on hind legs run forward ] [ they watch and wait as the sound of cars zoom by, then make an effort to cross the interstate while no cars are passing ] [ suddenly, they quickly turn back as the sound of a passing car fast approaches ] [ they make another attempt to cross, but run back when they see a car coming ] [ just then, a cow wanders in on two hind legs ]

Cow: Moooooo! Say… excuse me! But do you know if there might be a Cattle Crossing near?

Deer #1: [ pointing with his hoof ] Uh — there’s one about a mile up the road. But you’re welcome to cross here, if you’d like.

Cow: Noooooooooo, that’s okay! Thank you!

[ the cow slowly ambles off ]

Deer #1: Take care! [ to his fellow deer ] Boy, was he lost! Can you believe that!

[ they watch cars zoom past ]

Deer #1: Now, normally I would have crossed here… but since you’re with me, I’d rather not.

Deer #2: Thank you, Deer!

[ a third Deer hops forward on his hind legs ]

Deer #3: Been waiting long?

Deer #2: Yeah. It’s pretty bad today.

Deer #1: I don’t know how they picked this spot. It’s a pretty ridiculous place for a Deer Crossing.

Deer #3: [ chuckling ] Yeah, well, I can’t wait all day. I’m going.

Deer #2: Don’t! Are you crazy?

Deer #3: [ chuckling ] Look, they have to stop! Right? It’s a Deer Crossing! I’m out of here!

[ he hops across the street ]

Deer #1: [ calling out ] I don’t think they have to stop!

[ suddenly, a car slams on its brakes and screeches along the road, as it collides with the dear ]

Female Motorist: Oh, honey! Couldn’t you stop?!

Male Motorist: It shot right out in front of me! Come on, let’s go!

[ they slam their doors and pull away, as more traffic passes at a rapid pace ] [ the two deer continue to watch for an opening, as a fourth deer bounds forward on its two hind legs, looks sadistically at the first two deer, then hops right onto the interstate without looking ] [ he can be heard getting clipped by a car, and momentarily returns to the other two deer, clutching his side and gasping as he retreats into the woods ]

Deer #2: Do you think maybe we ought to come back later?

Deer #1: [ he observes passing traffic for a moment ] Let’s go find a salt lick on the other side of the road.

[ they turn and walk back into the woods ] [ fade ]

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SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/17/80: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 19





79s: Steve Martin / 3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney

Goodnights

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: Well, that’s it for another show, and… we’re standing out here with one minute to kill. So… [ he turns to see Bill Murray still dressed in his deer suit ] Say, that reminds me! Next week’s host will be… Buck!

[ everyone cheers, as Steve points to Bill and the closing music begins to play ] [ Steve leads the cast and musical guests past the band stage, where he hangs out and jams with them as the cast and musical guests continue to walk past ]

Announcer: Next Saturday Night, our host will be Buck Henry with musical guest Andrew Gold and James Cleveland. Tonight’s Don Pardo’s Announcer’s costume was entirely hand-made! Good night!

[ as the credits continue to roll, we cut to the crew picking up all the equipment in London at daybreak, as Father Guido Sarducci loiters on the sidewalk nearby ] [ return to the studio, with Steve still jamming with the band ]

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Weekend Update Exclusive Report


Weekend Update Exclusive Report

…..Jane Curtin
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello


Jane Curtin: Good evening! It’s been 122 days since Paul McCartney was arrested in Japan for possession of marijuana; and it’s been 122 days since Paul McCartney last smoked marijuana. now, Weekend Update continues to bring you the most comprehensive coverage of this crisis. We sent to England the same correspondent who almost got an exclusive interview with Paul in a Tokyo priosn. Of course, I’m referring to our own Father Guido Sarducci. Even though it’s 4:30 in the morning over there, we’ve set up a live satellite feed with Father Sarducci in London. Father, are you there?

Father Guido Sarducci: [ via satellite; hair braided ] Hello, Jane. I’m a-standing here in front of-a where Paul McCartney is a-staying in the West End section of London, England.

Jane Curtin: Is Paul there with you, Father?

Father Guido Sarducci: Well, a-not yet, Jane. But he’ll be a-down at any moment, Jane. This here, this is-a his a-office. And up-a there on the second floor, that’s-a his apartment. He’s been holed up-a there since he was-a paroled from a-prison. [ throws penny at window; it bounces off unnoticed ] Secoind floor up there. He should be down-a any minute now. Hey.. I bet you’re a-wondering about my hair, right?

Jane Curtin: It does look a little different.

Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you! This is-a the latest in Italy.. it’s called a Corn Roll. Some people, they call it “Maize Roll”. There’s a new movie just-a come out about a month ago – it’s called “Diez”, it means Number 10. There’s-a a girl in-a the movie, she’s-a real pretty, they say she’s-a real Diez, you know? She’s got hair just-a like this, and all-a the women in Italy, they went and had this. And then this actor, his name is Victor Gasmann – very famous, wonderful actor – came in with his hair like this, and now men have it, too. Costs me 40,000 lira – a lot of money, but I tell you it’s worth it, you know, ’cause they said you could-a leave it like this for-a four or-a five months – don’t have to wash it or nothing!

Jane Curtin: Father, thanks for telling us about your hair, but is Paul McCartney there or not?

Father Guido Sarducci: Well, of course-a he is! This is-a where he’s been a-hiding ever since he’s been-a paroled – I told you that. He’ll be right down any minute now.. if you’ll hold your horses, he’ll be down..

Jane Curtin: Father, you told us you had a definite appointment set up with him for 11:30!

Father Guido Sarducci: That’s right, I did. I sent him a certified letter, and-a everything. But, you know, I think what happened was, he got-a the time messed up. You see, I told him 11:30, but over here now it’s 4:30 in the morning.. and I think, probably, he thought I meant 11:30 England time. It’s a long story, but what it is – the time changes as you travel across-a the ocean. It goes-a like this – every thousand miles, time changes one hour. You know, like, in-a New York-a now, it’s 11:30; then, in Iceland, it’s-a 12:30; then..

Jane Curtin: Father, Father, you said you had it all set up, that Paul McCartney would open the show for us. That’s why we spent so much money to hook up this live remote from London.

Father Guido Sarducci: Well, I think it’s just a matter of a moment, before he wakes up and comes-a down here. You just have to be-a patient.. what it is, it’s trans-atlantic, it seems like that.. it’s very complicated..

Jane Curtin: Father, I don’t think we can wait any longer. We’ve got to start the show.

Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. I guess I could get somebody else to open the show.. but I know Paul is gonna be very, very disappointed..

Jane Curtin: I’m sure he’ll understand.

Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. there’s a lot of people here.. [ points offscreen ] Here’s a fellow, a milkman.. Buddy? Could you come over here a minute, please? Do me a little favor? [ Milkman walks up ] Hey, listen, if you would, please, look into the camera, and I want you to read that.. [ hands him note ] ..if you would, please..

Milkman: [ reads note ] “Live, from New York and London, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts