Category: 1991

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 5

91e: Kiefer Sutherland / Skid Row

Who’s Ass Should I Kiss

Executive #1…..Kevin Nealon
Exec. #2…..Dana Carvey
Exec. #3…..Julia Sweeney
Jeffrey…..Kiefer Sutherland
Larry…..Rob Schnieder
Host…..Phil Hartman
Delivery Man…..Adam Sandler

[Theme Music]

Don Pardo: Welcome again to ‘Who’s Ass Should I Kiss’. With your host, Dale Robbins.

Host: Thank you and welcome. As always on ‘Who’s Ass Should I Kiss’, 2 contestants from the same company will go head to head to figure out which one of these 3 persons is in fact a very important executive in their firm and who in turn could really help their career. The other 2 are imposters. Let’s watch our contestants try to climb the corporate ladder by asking themselves ‘Who’s Ass Should I Kiss?’. But first let’s meet our contestants: Jeffrey Hensen and Larry Turner. Jeffrey and Larry are both low level grunts who make cold calls for the investment firm Shearse and Layman.

Jeffrey: I just want to say Dale before we start that this is by far the greatest game show today, and you are my favorite game show host.

Larry: Yes I agree. This show is important to me. It’s always been there to give me a lift when I’ve needed it.

Jeffrey: Dale ive been a fan of yours since back in the 70’s Devil’s Deal the way you make everybody feel so welcome

Larry: Yes I agree this show is like a family to me.

Host: Ok Ok I think you guys are ready to play. It should be quite a contest. But you better focus your ass kissing in that direction. [points to execs]

Larry: I hear ya amigo.

Host: Jeffrey let’s begin with you.

Jeffrey: Executive #1, we work in the same building. Which building is that? And by the way that’s a very nice suit you have on- is it an Armani?

Exec. #1: we work in the World Trade Center, and yes, thank you, it is an Armani.

Larry: Yes I agree, wonderful suit, excellent choice.

Host: Larry it’s not your turn.

Larry: Well said.

Host: Jeffrey you have 5 points, nice job.

Larry: Yes I agree, nice job. [buzzer sound]

Host: Larry! That’s minus 5 points for ass kissing your opponent.

Larry: I deserve it.

Host: Jeff please continue.

Jeffrey: It’ll be my pleasure. Executive #2, not everybody has the drive to succeed that you so obviously have. Can you give some advice to those of us who are not as gifted.

Exec. #2: Well thank you very much. I say if you want to succeed you work hard, play hard and keep your mouth shut.

Host: Jeffrey another 5 points, excellent ass kissing.

Jeffrey: you’re not so bad yourself Dale.

Host: Well thank you. Alright Larry it’s your turn.

Larry: Executive #2, I’m almost inclined to think you’re way to young and handsome to be an executive. Surely you must be a movie star or something.

Exec #2: So you think I’m too young to be an executive? Is that what you’re saying?

Larry: No, I, I-[buzzer]

Host: oooooh. That’s another minus 5 points for insulting executive #2.

Larry: I would like to take this time to formally apologize to executive #2 for even suggesting-

Host: Larry stop your ass kissing. It’s not your turn. Jeffrey back to you.

Jeffrey: executive #3. forgive me but I can’t help myself. Are you wearing the perfume Shalamar?

Exec #3: why yes.

Jeffrey: doesn’t it take a special kind of woman to carry that off?

Exec #3: you’re right. [ringing]

Host: Jeffrey you’re on a roll. Excellent work there Jeffrey. Larry you’re falling behind a little bit.

Larry: Executive #1, so many less talented people surround themselves with yes men. Yet you’ve chosen people who challenge you and raise standards. [buzzer sound]

Host: Ah that’s what I thought. That’s not a question, that’s just blatant brown nosing. Another minus 5.

Larry: I’m not ashamed, I’d do it again.

Host: Alright Jeffrey your turn.

Jeffrey: Executive #1, do you find that your legendary sexual prowess enhances your work, or that your work enhances your legendary sexual prowess?

Exec #1: Well I have to admit I get my fair share.

Host: Hehehe alright. Hey hey what’s this?

Delivery Man: I have a dozen roses to be delivered to Executive #3.

Exec #3: Oh they’re perfect.

Jeffrey: It was me that got them for you, think nothing of it. It was the least I could do.

Exec #3: Oh Jeffrey you’re so thoughtful.

Host: [ringing sound] 25 bonus points!!

Larry: Yes very thoughtful.

Host: What’s that Larry?

Larry: I didn’t say anything.

Host: Alright. Jeffrey it’s still your turn.

Jeffrey: Executive #2 you’re very tan and your skin is so youthful while others around you have given in to stress with such a demanding schedule. How have you managed to stop your aging process?

Exec #2: Just good genes I guess.

Host: [ring] Very good. Larry, your turn.

Larry: Executive #1, you’re obviously a very generous and talented man. What sexual favor would you like? [off beat buzzer sound]

Host: Oooh. I’m afraid we’ve run out of time Larry. And you have no points. I’m afraid you won’t be around to play final ass kissing.

Larry: I just want to say it’s been a great experience, one that I’ll always treasure. When I look back-

Host: Oh shut up. [Larry heads out of room] Don Pardo tell Jeffrey what he’ll be playing for.

Don Pardo: Dale may I say you’ve handled tonight’s show masterfully.

Host: [gives kissing gesture]

Don Pardo: Jeffrey you’ll be playing for a ten thousand dollar a year raise, a life time membership to the company’s exercise room and spa and your own name stenciled parking space in the company garage. Back to you Dale.

Host: Ok you’re the best Don Pardo.

Don Pardo: No you are!

Host: It’s final ass kissing time Jeff, who’s it going to be?

Jeffrey: Well Dale it’s a difficult choice, they’re all so good. While executive #2 is a very talented executive who I’m sure is not going to let anything stop him from getting to the top of the ladder, and Executive #3 while she’s a very attractive woman who has managed to succeed in a viciously male dominated environment yet has retained all of her femininity, I’ve decided to kiss executive #1’s ass because, well I’ve seen him in the elevator a couple times.

Host: Alright congratulations Jeffrey you’ve kissed butt correctly!

[Jeffrey and Exec. #1 shake hands]

Host: Bye everybody see ya tomorrow.

Don Pardo: ‘Who’s Ass Should I Kiss’ is an Arsenio Hall production.

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 5

91e: Kiefer Sutherland / Skid Row

I’m Chillin’

Onski…..Chris Rock
B- Fats…..Chris Farley
Man on phone…..Tim Meadows

Don Pardo: Live from the Marcy Projects, it’s ‘I’m Chillin’.

[Rock and Farley dance in to rap theme music]

Onski: Yo yo yo what’s up? Welcome to ‘I’m Chillin’, the showsy showsy showsy with they hosy hosy hosy. Now I’m your host, Onski, to the highest degree, to the T. O. P., yo it’s all about me. And sittin by my side, my main man, my ace in the hole, my New Jersey toll, my Ester roll, my ten foot pole, my Billy Joel, my Nat King Coe, my Dead Dea Scroll, my Dr. Scholl, my helmet cole, my grassy knoll, my kid Creole, my la ka scha fole- it’s B- Fats. Yo B tell ‘em how you feel.

B-Fats: Yo I just came from taxin a ho. Now everything is mop and glow.

Onski: Yo I hear that man. Now before I start the shizzo- I say before I start the show, I wanna say what’s up to our new sponsor. That’s right. I wanna say what’s up to 168th street spring water. The only spring water, I say the only spring water that comes directly from a fire hydrant. [Rock and Farley sip the water bottles]

B-Fats: Yo Onski I heard u think Sinbad is all that and a bag of chips.

Onski: Yo I think Sinbad is a genius man. I used to think he was soft right? Then he did that joke he does, about what part of the chicken does the chicken McNugget come from. I said ‘damn he funny’ man. He’s talkin about real life man.

B-Fats: Yo he’s funnier that Richard Prior.

Onski: Yo man I ain’t sayin all that now. Yo it’s about that time.

B-Fats: Time to bust a rhyme?

Onski: Naw B.

B-Fats: Time to suck a lime?

Onski: Naw B. It’s time for the mother joke of the day. That’s right. Today’s mother joke was sent to us from Kelly B. of Gilmore Projects. The only project with its own mall right, and it goes a little somethin like this. Your mothers’ so stupid that she tripped over a cordless phone. Yo Don Pardo tell em what she wins.

Don Psrdo: You win child support. That’s right 3 weeks of child support. [Screen shows check that says ‘here bitch! From baby’s father]

Onski: Yo Don tell em what else she gonna win.

Don Pardo: You get a call from your baby’s father. That’s right we tracked him down. You’ll hear his voice for the first time in a year. You’ll hear him say things like:

Man [on phone]: Yo what’s up? You got that check?

Don Pardo: Hear him show genuine concern about the child.

Man [on phone]: I still don’t think it’s mine.

Don Pardo: Hear him try to rekindle that old romance.

Man [on phone]: Still got that big ass?

Don Pardo: And if you don’t like that you can get the bullsac.

Onski: Yo yo yo Kelly Kelly, you got that big ass check and you got that big ass. Yo baby I wanna know one thing- how can I get down? Now right now we’re gonna watch a new video from Lady B called ‘yes but I’m a good ho’. [Beeper goes off] Yo yo that’s my beeper yo yo. We gotta check out till next week, cuz right now I gotta go pick up my baby’s mother. It’s her birthday, we’re gonna have a special night. We’re gonna have a little candlelight dinner down at Kentucky Fried Chicken you know, drink some champagne. Gonna go home and watch Homie the Clown.

B-Fats: Yo remember always wipe and stay off the pipe.

Onski: And if a sucker get’s ill, tell them ‘I’m chillin’.

[Theme music]

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

Campaign ’92: The Race To Avoid Being The Guy Who Loses To Bush

Moderator…..Julia Sweeney
Sen. Bill Bradley…..Kevin Nealon
Congressman Dick Gephardt…..Dana Carvey
Sen. Lloyd Bentsen…..Keifer Sutherland
Tipper Gore…..Victoria Jackson
Gov. Mario Cuomo…..Phil Hartman

Moderator: Good evening. I’m Fay Sullivan, of the League of Women Voters. Welcome to this, the first in a series of debates among the five leading Democrats who are trying to avoid being forced by their party into a hopeless race against President George Bush. Most of them have already announced that they’re not interested in the nomination. But each, of course, is under enormous pressure to be the “chump” who will take on the futile task of running against this very, very popular incumbent. They are.. Sen. Bill Bradley of New Jersey..

Sen. Bill Bradley: I am not a candidate for President in 1992.

Moderator: House Majority Leader Dick Gephardt of Missouri..

Congressman Dick Gephardt: I do not seek my party’s nomination.

Moderator: Sen. Lloyd Bentsen of Texas..

Sen. Lloyd Bentsen: I do not wish to be my party’s nominee in the next election.

Moderator: Here for her husband, Sen. Al Gore of Tennessee, Tipper Gore..

Tipper Gore: He’s not interested.

Moderator: And Gov. Mario Cuomo, of New York.

Gov. Mario Cuomo: No way!

Moderator: Gov. Cuomo, let’s begin with you. In a way, one might say there’s no reason for any of you to be forced into this race. After all, there are already several announced candidates for the Democratic nomination – Sen. Kerrey, Sen. Harkin, fomer Gov. Brown, and so on. Why is your party beggin you, or any of you, to enter the race?

Gov. Mario Cuomo: Fay, I don’t know. But I’ll tell you something – if the Democratic Party were to make me its candidate in 1992, it would go down as its worse defeat in history.

Sen. Bill Bradley: Oh, come on, Mario! You’re probably the best candidate we’ve got!

Everyone: Cuomo! Cuomo! Cuomo! Cuomo!

Gov. Mario Cuomo: Please, please! Bill! Now, I resent the implication that I’m the strongest candidate here. Let’s be frank – you’re far better than any of us, or have you forgotten your brilliant play as you led the New York Knicks to victory in the 1973 NBA Finals?

Everyone: Bradley! Bradley! Bradley! Bradley!

Gov. Mario Cuomo: Now, Bill, you could show me polls that have me losing to Bush by 7 points, and I can show you polls that have me losing to Bush by 40 points – that’s not the issue! The issue is my record. After eight years of my mismanagement as governor, the economy of New York State is in a shambles! Now, I don’t think anyone here can point to a record like that.

Congressman Dick Gephardt: Now, wait a minute..

Moderator: Congressman Gephardt?

Everyone: Gephardt! Gephardt! Gephardt! Gephardt!

Congressman Dick Gephardt: Well, hold on! Now, if you wanna talk about shambles, let’s talk about the U.S. House of Representatives, of which I am the Majority Leader. You know, the real enemy facing this country isn’t the Soviets, it isn’t the Japanese – it’s people like me! And the American people know it. The fact is, I couldn’t beat David Duke in Harlem! What this party needs is someone with the vision, the integrity, and the guts of an Al Gore.

Everyone: Gore! Gore! Gore! Gore!

Tipper Gore: That isn’t fair! My husband isn’t here tonight to answer to that kind of smear!

Congressman Dick Gephardt: Then, I have to ask you, if your husband doesn’t think he should be this party’s nominee, why didn’t he bother to show up here tonight?

Tipper Gore: My husband is with our kids at a gay porno theater.

Everyone: Oh, come on! Come on!

Moderator: Gentlemen, please! Sen. Bentsen, we haven’t heard from you yet.

Everyone: Bentsen! Bentsen! Bentsen! Bentsen!

Moderator: Please.. please.. Senator, tell us why Lloyd Bentsen should not be President.

Sen. Lloyd Bentsen: Oh, Fay, there are so many reasons. But, ultimately, it comes down to one – this election is about ideas. And the fact is, I have none. Nothing, covers empty, nada, not a one! You know, I remind myself of that commercial, “Where’s The Beef?” And that’s the problem with Lloyd Bentsen – where’s the beef?

Sen. Bill Bradley: Uh, may I?

Moderator: Sen. Bradley?

Sen. Bill Bradley: What about me? If Lloyd wants to talk about lack of substance, I say what about me? I’m an ex-jock. End of story. The fact is, Lloyd is one of the finest minds in the Senate! In fact, he reminds many of us of another great democrat – John F. Kennedy.

Sen. Lloyd Bentsen: Sen Bradley, I knew Jack Kennedy.. I worked with Jack Kennedy.. I am no Jack Kennedy.

Sen. Bill Bradley: Senator, that was uncalled for.

Sen. Lloyd Bentsen: The fact is, when most people hear the name Lloyd Bentsen, they don’t think of Jack Kennedy; they think of two other fellows – Michael Dukakis and Willie Horton.

Tipper Gore: Lloyd, that is shameless!

Gov. Mario Cuomo: Sen. Bentsen, I resent the suggestion that you are somehow more the candidate of Willie Horton than anyone else here! The fact is, as governor of New York, I have pardoned criminals far worse than Willie Horton! Including key figures in organized crime, who happen top be close friends of mine! Yes! I’m talking about the mob!

Moderator: Well.. gentlemen, Mrs. Gore.. we’ve reached the end of our alotted time. Each of you is now allowed a brief closing statement. Let’s begin with Tipper Gore.

Tipper Gore: Thank you, Fay. I’m a mother of three children, and, like any mother, I want the best possible future for my kids.When I think of a future with my husband as President, frankly, I’m scared. Thank you.

Moderator: Congressman Gephardt?

Congressman Dick Gephardt: There’s a feeling abroad in this land. You can sense it from the textile workers in South Carolina, from machinists in Detroit, and ranchers in Wyoming. The feeling that Dick Gephardt repreents everything that’s wrong with this country. You don’t want me as your president, and neither do I. I want to remain in Congress. After all, that’s where the money is – your money. Thank you.

Moderator: Sen. Bradley?

Sen. Bill Bradley: Well, there are people that will tell you that I can beat George Bush. Why? Because I’m a sports celebrity. But I think you, the American people, are smarter than that. You want a leader you can defend against terrorism, not jump shots; who can make a foreign policy, not an inbound pass; a leader who can run an economy, not a three-man weave. If America ever needs a man in a low post.. perhaps I’m the guy.. but, when it comes to our nation’s highest post, I just don’t cut it. Thank you.

Moderator: And now, Sen. Bentsen.

Sen. Lloyd Bentsen: I’m old.. and I’m only gonna be getting older. Older and more confused. Hell, I can’t tell you all the names of the people that are standing right here. One thing I can tell you, is that George Bush would beat the living bejebus out of me. He’s done it before, just ask a couple friends of mine – Michael Dukakis and Willie Horton.

Moderator: And, finally, Gov. Cuomo.

Gov. Mario Cuomo: Thank you, Fay. Tonight, we’ve heard a lot about images of perception, about what poll shows what candidate losing by the least to whom at any given time.. Now, I could stand here and talk about the inaccuracy of polling, or the subjective nature of the process – but that’s not the real issue here! The real issue is simple – I.. have.. mob ties!

Moderator: Well, that brings to a close, the first in a series of Democratic Presidential debates. Thank you, all of you, for your participation here tonight. And I’d also like to take this opportunity to remind our viewers at home that democracy works only when you vote. When you don’t take the time to vote for the candidate you find the least offensive, you run the risk of electing the candidate you find the most offensive. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
We used to laugh at Grandpa
when he’d head off and go fishing.
But we wouldn’t be laughing that evening when
he’d come back with some whore he picked up in town.

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
I wish a robot would get elected president.
That way, when he came to town,
we could all take a shot at him
and not feel too bad.

SNL Transcripts

Lung Brush

Man…..Tom Davis
Woman…..Siobhan Fallon
Spokesman…..Mike Myers
…..Ken Stabler
Wife…..Victoria Jackson
Husband…..Chris Farley

[ open on a Man and Woman sitting at a bar smoking ]

Man: I thought you quit smoking? You were gonna be my inspiration.

Woman: Not anymore. Now I can smoke as much as I like, now that I’ve got the Lung Brush.

Man: Lung Brush?

Spokesman: [ steps in, holding up the product ] That’s right – Lung Brush! Created by a small inventor in California, who himself enjoyed smoking, Lung Brush is the easy, inexpensive alternative to quitting or cutting down.

Here’s how it works: [ Husband demonstrates ] Taking control of the easy-grip handle, slide the gentle bristle device past the trachea opening, back down the windpipe, and into the lung itself. The unique Lung Brush design allows you to remove caked-on tar, smoke particles, even city smog phlegm, freeing up clogged bronchial passages so vital for breathing and smoking. And Lung Brush’s sturdy design makes cleaning and maintenance a snap! One Lung Brush may be the only Lung Brush you’ll ever need.

Announcer: Here’s football great, Kenny Stabler.

Ken Stabler: I threw my light and low-tar cigarettes away. Now, back to my favorite brand again. Thanks, Lung Brush!

Wife: Time to come to bed, dear.

Husband: [ coughs ]

Wife: Don’t forget to brush.

Husband: Lung Brush, that is! [ smiles ]

Spokesman: So, get into the Lung Brush habit today, and smoke to your heart’s content. Lung Brush is available wherever quality tobacco products are sold.

Announcer: Only $14.95, from Life Tool.

SNL Transcripts

All Things Scottish

Stuart Rankin…..Mike Myers
Customer #1…..Dana Carvey
Rodney…..Tim Meadows
Customer #2…..Phil Hartman
Ronnie Rankin…..Keifer Sutherland
Customer #3…..Victoria Jackson

[ Customer #1 enters All Things Scottish ]

Stuart Rankin: Welcome to All Things Scottish – if it’s not Scottish, it’s craaaapp!! Can I help ye?

Customer #1: Yeah, I’d like a poster of the guy who played Scotty on “Star Trek”, have you got that?

Stuart Rankin: Oh, aye. James Doogan, yeah, right there. [ grabs poster ] That’ll be $7.42, please. [ goes to register ] Ah, the machine doesn’t work, I’ll have to pay you back later..

Customer #1: Okay.. sure. [ exits ]

Stuart Rankin: Rodney!! Rodney!! Get out here, and bring some more Scotty posters, would ye?!

Rodney: [ enters from back room ] Man, Stuart, why don’t you chill, man?

Stuart Rankin: Oh.. I’ll chill you in a second! Alright, go and sort out those shortbreads, would ye? Alrighty. Rodney?

Rodney: What’s up, man?

Stuart Rankin: Ah, I have a question for ye – are you wearing underwear under that kilt?

Rodney: What? Yeah, of course I’m wearing underwear!

Stuart Rankin: Oh, no, no, no.. you shouldn’t wear underwear under that kilt. A real man doesn’t wear insurance.

Rodney: Yeah, well, a real man doesn’t wear a kilt.

Stuart Rankin: [ chuckling ] Ohhh-ho-ho, oh how very clever! But I don’t know why you’d say something like that, knowing that I might come after you with butchering tools! [ they raise their fists, as Customer #2 enters ] You’re lucky! [ returns to the counter ] Welcome to All Things Scottish – if it’s not Scottish, it’s craaaapp!! Can I help ye?

Customer #2: Uh, yeah.. a friend of mine’s Scottish, and he’s getting married, so I gotta buy a kilt.

Stuart Rankin: Well, you’ve come to the right store.

Customer #2: Now, the kilts you have are 100% Scotch kilts, correct?

Stuart Rankin: Well, actually, that’s Scots kilt. Scotch is a drink; Scots are a people. But we’re both great-tasting!

Customer #2: [ smiles uncomfortably ] Alright.. now in Scotland, do men wear kilts all the time?

Stuart Rankin: Oh, aye. It’s a very manly garb.

Customer #2: Yeah, but I like it, too! [ laughs ]

Stuart Rankin: Come again?

Customer #2: You know what I’m talking about – [ in funny voice ] ..cartoon stars, clovers!

Stuart Rankin: Oh, aye.. except, what you’re talking about is Irish.. and I am, in fact, Scottish. Now, GET OUT!! GET OUT, Mr. No Can Tell The Difference Between Scotland And Ireland!! [ Customer #2 flees quickly ] I’ll be in the back!

[ Ronnie Rankin enters the store ]

Rodney: Hi. Welcome to All Things Scottish – if it’s not Scottish, it’s crap! Can I help you?

Ronnie Rankin: Does a Mr. Stuart Rankin work here?

Rodney: Uh, yeah, he’s in the back. Who should I say is here?

Ronnie Rankin: Tell him it’s his brother Ronnie from Glasgow.

Rodney: Uh, Stuart, you’re brother’s here!

Stuart Rankin: [ steps out with arms crossed ] What are you wanting?

Ronnie Rankin: Oh, I came to say Sorry.

Stuart Rankin: Oh, aye, you’re sorry, are ye, after all these years?

Ronnie Rankin: Are you going to accept my apology, Stuart?

Stuart Rankin: Now, why should I accept the apology of a crazy bastard like YOU, you JERK?!!

[ they raise their fists ]

Ronnie Rankin: Well, just remember this crazy little bastard’s the only brother you’ve got!

Stuart Rankin: [ lowers fist ] Aw, that’s not fair.. I love you!

Ronnie Rankin: I love you, you bastard!

Stuart Rankin: I love you, you bastard!

Ronnie Rankin: Come on, let’s have a drink!

Stuart Rankin: Come again?

Ronnie Rankin: Let’s break up a little whiskey, and have a drink.

Stuart Rankin: That’s it, I’ll KILL you!

Rodney: Come on, Stuart, come on, man, he’s your brother, he just wants to have a drink!

Stuart Rankin: Mind your own business, Rodney, you don’t know the whole story! Have a look at this! [ reveals scar across his back ]

Rodney: Oh, man.. that’s a nasty scar, what did he, cut you?

Stuart Rankin: No, it’s a surgery scar. I, uh, gave him one of my kidneys.

Rodney: And?

Stuart Rankin: And.. he drinks like a fish! He’s always piss-steaming drunk! He’s gonna ruin my kidney!

Ronnie Rankin: It’s my kidney now, you bastard!

[ they raise their fists again ]

Stuart Rankin: What if I take it back?!

Ronnie Rankin: What if I smash a brick in your face, you bloody little bugger?

Stuart Rankin: Rodney! Rodney, get my butchering tools, I’m gonna defloor him like a shag pile!

Ronnie Rankin: I hope you’ve got a thirsty mouth, laddie, because this is gonna be a mudbath!

Stuart Rankin: You’re a dead man!

Ronnie Rankin: That’s not a nice way to speak to your only.. brother.

Stuart Rankin: [ lowers fist ] Aw, that’s not fair.. I love you!

Ronnie Rankin: I love you!

Stuart Rankin: I love you so much, it hurts!!

Stuart Rankin: I love you! Just like the movie “Ghost”?. Alright.. perhaps you can have a wee taste of Scotch, it’s not gonna hurt my kidney too much.. [ pours some Scotch into two shot glasses ]

Ronnie Rankin: Well, give me a wee bit more Scotch than that..

Stuart Rankin: [ raises fist ] That’s it! That kidney is mine!

Ronnie Rankin: It’s not, you Indian giver, it’s my kidney, and I’ve been looking after it just fine, thank you!

Stuart Rankin: Oh, do you think I’m stupid? I bet by now my kidney’s so abused, it’s starting to look like Sputnik!

Ronnie Rankin: Shut your guff, you wee little girl!

Stuart Rankin: Oh, that’s it! One laser incision in the small of your back, and away we go, Mr. Kidney!

Ronnie Rankin: Oh, yeah? I’ll kick you so hard in the groonies, you’ll be peeing out your mouth!

Stuart Rankin: Well, at least I’ve got groonies!

Ronnie Rankin: Oh, yeah? Well, at least I’ve got a brother!

Stuart Rankin: [ lowers fist ] Aw, no fair.. I love you!

Ronnie Rankin: I love you!

Stuart Rankin: I love you!

Ronnie Rankin: I love you!

Stuart Rankin: I love you!

[ Customer #2 enters ]

Welcome to All Things Scottish – if it’s not Scottish, it’s craaaapp!! Can I help ye?

Customer #3: Um.. do you have family tartans?

Stuart Rankin: Oh, aye, we do, yes. And, what’s your family’s name?

Customer #3: Grotowsky?

Stuart Rankin: Growtowsky? Oh, the Growtowsky tartan.. from the Voyeur Hojets klan of tartans, I suppose? Now, GET OUT!! GET OUT, Mrs. No Can Understand Her Own Ethnic Background!! GET OUT!! [ she runs out ]

Ronnie Rankin: I love you!

Stuart Rankin: I love you! Come on, let’s have a drink now!

[ fade out on Stuart and Ronnie finally having their drink together ]

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 5

91e: Kiefer Sutherland / Skid Row

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Kevin Nealon.

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Nealon, Kevin, and I’m a recovering dyslexic.

Well in Madrid the Mideast peace talks got off to a bad start this week when one of the delegates refused to shell out the 4 dollars for the headphones.

And another problem developed when Palestinian delegates complained that the Israelis were occupying their seats. In response the Israeli delegates claimed the seats had always belonged to them. A game of musical chairs will be held to settle the dispute.

[picture of Bush and Arab] President Bush is seen here greeting a tricker treater and then pointing him in the direction of a house that gives out Zakorski attack helicopters.Israel will not accept land for peace but will accept land for some really good concert tickets.

President Bush’s Kennebunkport neighbors complained to local police following an all night party in which George and Barbara trashed their house.

This week Louisiana gubernatoral candidate David Duke said that new poll results show him to be in the lead. To celebrate his supports held a fundraiser in New Orleans.

Researchers have theorized that young black men are best suited for long term space travel because of a genetic trait that gives them denser, stronger bones. It was later revealed that this theory was merely a hoax by white supremisis to encourage black men to leave the planet.

JC’s in Memphis have apologized for an exhibit in their annual haunted house exhibit entitled Dead Elvis. The exhibit, featuring a toilet, half eaten jelly donuts and empty pizza boxes has been renamed the Palm Beach Kennedy compound.

And for Halloween Ted Kennedy wore pants and went as a commoner.

Donald Trump’s mother was mugged for $14 this week. Police are looking for this suspect. [sketch of Donald Trump]

A 22,000 pound steel sculpture entitled Hammering Man was twisted and bent when it fell atop a crane that was hoisting it into the Seattle Art Museum this week. The sculpture will now be entitled “twisted and bent when it fell atop a crane that was hoisting a man.”

More mysterious carved patterns and symbols showed up in a Minnesota wheat field. Experts theorized that these markings are the work of an alien sports fan.

Air traffic controllers at Chicago’s Ohare Airport reported hundreds on near mis-incidents recently, when anti-collision alarms on airlines malfunctioned. In an attempt to lessen these incidents, the FAA will require airliners to shorten their wings [picture of airplane with small wings].

An MIT study has concluded that more people die in crashes in planes with more passengers. For instance, in a plane carrying 220 people, 220 people would be killed. As opposed to a plane carrying 15 people where only 15 people would be killed.

A further study reveals your best chance of survival is to fly in an empty plane.

Mother nature has filed harassment charges against father time. She claims every 3 months or so he leaps on top of her while she’s changing seasons… that can happen.

27 people were injured this week after they were told to spring ahead and fall back.

Monoxidil, the hair growing drug sold under the name Rogaine is now being used as a mace substitute. You spray it in the face of the attacker, his eyebrows grow over his eyes, obstructing his vision. Unfortunately the FDA claims it must be used on the attacker religiously twice a day for 6 months in order to see any noticeable effects.

The restaurant Planet Hollywood has been opened in New York by co-owners Arnold Schwarteneggar and Sylvester Stallone. Appropriately the kitchen will specialize mussels, ham and large, slow speaking Italian vegetables.

Well I decided to read Katherine Hepburn’s #1 best seller ‘Me’ this week and unfortunately it’s horrible. She knows nothing about me, totally off, nice try.

According to a recent survey, 70% of this pie chart is yellow while the remaining 30% is blue. [shows pie chart]

On a bright note the 40,000 stolen video cassette copies of Disney’s Fantasia were recovered yesterday in Memphis. A Detroit based distributor was happy to have them back but said 15,000 of those tapes were not rewound.

Because of the success of Heraldo Rivera’s first book listing all the women he has slept with, he says he will write another. This time he says he will list all the women he has thought about while masturbating.

In an upcoming Vanity Fair issue Bette Midler said Heraldo drugged and molested her. Mr. Rivera called these accusations preposterous. True, but preposterous.After all the recent negative criticism, Dr. Kavorkian’s infamous suicide machine killed itself this week. In addition the suicide manual ‘Final Exit’ jumped off the bookshelf and plunged to its’ death.

Stanford University hospital surgeons last week removed a 303 pound cyst from a 34 year old woman. The woman is doing fine and went home yesterday. The cyst is recovering and will go home sometime next week.

[picture of sexy Calvin Klein ad] This ad for Calvin Klein jeans has drawn much critical response from media watchers, consumer groups and concerned citizens. After reading all the mail, I promise I won’t pose for another one.

Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me.

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
November 16th, 1991

Linda Hamilton

Mariah Carey

Edward Furlong

Martin Scorsese

Mariah Carey, “Can’t Let Go”

David Duke Concession Speech

Linda Hamilton’s Monologue

Leevi’s 3 Legged Jeans

The Tooncinator

Recurring Characters: Toonces.

It’s Pat

Recurring Characters: Pat.

Massive Headwound Harry

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

The sky as a metaphor for a salmon.

Zoraida

Recurring Characters: Zoraida.

Mariah Carey performs “Can’t Let Go”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Barroom Brawls

The Chris Farley Show

Mariah Carey performs “If It’s Over”

Baby Talk Dinner

Schiller Visions

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
As the evening sky faded from
a salmon color to a sort of flint gray,
I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning,
and how gray he was,
and how I named him Flint.

SNL Transcripts