Michael Jordan: 09/28/91


Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

September 28th, 1991

Michael Jordan

Public Enemy

Jesse Jackson

Spike Lee

Public Enemy, “Bring Tha Noize”

  • Wayne’s World

    Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar.

  • Michael Jordan’s Monologue

  • Schmitt’s Gay Beer

  • The First Black Harlem Globetrotter

  • Bill Swerski’s Super Fans

    Recurring Characters: Bob Swerski, Carl Wollarski, Pat Arnold, Todd O’Conner.

  • Public Enemy performs “Can’t Truss It”

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

  • Daily Affirmation

    Recurring Characters: Stuart Smalley.

  • Zoraida

    Recurring Characters: Zoraida.

  • The Dark Side with Nat X

    Recurring Characters: Nat X.

  • Tales From The Barbecue

    Recurring Characters: Grandpa.

  • Miles Davis Memoriam

  • Public Enemy performs “Bring Tha Noize”

  • Elevator Fans III

    SNL Transcripts

  • Schmitt’s Gay


    Schmitt’s Gay

    Housesitter #1…..Chris Farley
    Housesitter #2…..Adam Sandler


    [ open on two Housesitters entering dingy-looking house ]

    Housesitter #1: [ disgusted ] This is a great housesitting job you found.. this place is a dump!

    Housesitter #2: Just wait’ll you see the pool.

    [ they reach the pool, whch is dirty and empty ]

    Housesitter #1: [ further disgusted ] No water!

    [ Housesitter #2 grins slyly, then turns a faucet on and fills the pool. Dirty water starts to drip from the pipe, but suddenly the dirty pool is transformed into a sparkling paradise, as five heavily-pumped gay men rise from the water. ]

    Guy In Pool: You two look like you need to get wet!

    Housesitters: [ looking up to the heavens ] Thank you!

    [ flash on Schmitt’s Gay logo on the front of a bottle ] [ intercut shots of crotch areas of the gay men, as the Housesitters scream excitedly ] [ various scenes of the Housesitters engaged in activities with the gay pool guys are seen – drinking, videotaping, doing the congo, etc. ]

    Announcer: If you’ve got a big thirst, and you’re gay, reach for a cold, tall bottle of Schmitt’s Gay.

    [ cut to Housesitters massaging the pool guys ]

    Housesitter #1: I think I’m gonna like housesitting..

    Housesitter #2: Uh.. yeah!

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Daily Affirmation With Stuart Smalley

    Daily Affirmation With Stuart Smalley

    Stuart Smalley…..Al Franken
    …..Michael Jordan

    Stuart Smalley V/O: I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am attractive person. I am fun to be with.

    Announcer: “Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley”. Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer, a member of several 12-step programs, but not a licensed therapist.

    [ open on Stuart giving himself a pep talk in his full-length mirror ]

    Stuart Smalley: I’m going to do a terrific show today! And I’m gonna help people! Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!

    [ turns to camera ]

    Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley! Well, I’m still receiving some negative reaction from my show on Pee Wee Herman, titled, “There But For The Grace Of God Go I”, and, I have to admit, it’s not my best show.. but that’s o-kay. I have to give myself permission to do a bad show every now and then. Okay.. for those of you who watch the show regularly, you know that I don’t have guests, I always do the show alone.. and that’s.. o-kay. But yesterday, my producer said, “Stuart, I can get you a guest that you would be insane not to have on the show.” So I decided to take a risk – in life, you have to take risks – and, today we have a guest.. [ reveal Michael Jordan sitting next to Stuart ] ..and his name is Michael J. – I’ll protect your anonymity. Michael is a basketball player for a professional basketball team. Well, that’s very good, Michael, you should be very proud of yourself.

    Michael Jordan: Well, thank you, Stuart. I am.

    Stuart Smalley: Well, good for you! Good for you! Um, Michael.. I know there must be a lot of pressure for you to play very well, and I can imagine that the night before a game, you must lie awake thinking, “I’m not good enough.. everybody’s better than me.. I’m not going to score any points.. I have no business playing this game..”

    Michael Jordan: Well.. not really.

    Stuart Smalley: Michael, denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.

    Michael Jordan: Well.. I do sometimes get a little nervous before important basketball games.

    Stuart Smalley: I thought so. And that’s.. o-kay. You’re not alone. Believe me, I know what it’s like.. laying there alone.. all those tapes rolling: “I’m a fraud.. tomorrow, I’m going to be exposed for what I am, a big imposter.. I just want to curl up and lay in bed all day and eat Fig Newtons.”

    Michael Jordan: Well.. something like that.

    Stuart Smalley: Right. Well, Michael, those negative thoughts are your critical inner thoughts saying those things to you, and I want you to replace those negative thoughts with someting positive – a daily affirmation.

    Michael Jordan: Affirmation?

    Stuart Smalley: Yes. Now, look in the mirror. Come on, don’t look at me. Only you can help you. [ Michael faces the mirror ] That’s it. Say, “Hello, Michael.”

    Michael Jordan: [ trying to suppress his laughter ] “Hello, Michael.”

    Stuart Smalley: “I don’t have to be a great basketball player..”

    Michael Jordan: “I don’t have to be a great basketball player..”

    Stuart Smalley: “I don’t have to dribble the ball fast, or throw the ball into the basket..”

    Michael Jordan: “I don’t have to dribble the ball fast, or throw the ball into the basket..”

    Stuart Smalley: “Because all I have to do is be the best Michael I can be.”

    Michael Jordan: “All I have to do is be the best Michael I can be.”

    Stuart Smalley: “Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!”

    Michael Jordan: “Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!”

    Stuart Smalley: Now, don’t you feel better?

    Michael Jordan: Well, I never really felt bad!

    Stuart Smalley: Michael..

    Michael Jordan: No, it’s true. Stuart, I guess pretty much of the time, I’m a very happy person. I mean, I’m a blessed person – God gave me the talent to play basketball, and I have been able to spread some of that talent, and some of that good feeling, towards everybody, to inspire other people, and help people achieve their dreams.

    Stuart Smalley: [ glum ] I am just a fool.. I.. I don’t know what I’m doing.. they’re gonna cancel the show.. I’m gonna die homeless and penniless and twenty pounds overweight.. and no one will ever love me..

    Michael Jordan: Stuart, that’s just not true. I think what you say on your show can be very helpful to people.

    Stuart Smalley: You think so?

    Michael Jordan: Yes! Definitely! I just don’t think it helps beating yourself up that way.

    Stuart Smalley: You’re right. It’s just stinking thinking.

    Michael Jordan: And, after all, this show is your dream. It’s a good dream! You deserve to have dreams come true! [ Stuart nods ] Feel better? Would you like a hug?

    [ Stuart and Michael hug ]

    Stuart Smalley: Thank you, Michael.

    Michael Jordan: Thank you, Stuart!

    Stuart Smalley: You know what? I think this is the best show I’ve ever done. And you know what? I deserve it! [ turns to his mirror ] Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!