SNL Transcripts: Woody Harrelson: 05/16/92: The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 20













91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson…..Dana Carvey
Ed MacMahon…..Phil Hartman
Jay Leno…..Kevin Nealon
Arsenio Hall…..Chris Rock
Dennis Miller…..Dana Carvey
David Brenner…..Adam Sandler
Joan Embrey…..Julia Sweeney

[ open on The Tonight Show set, final show with Johnny and Ed decked out in tuxedos ]

Johnny Carson: Yes! [ audience applauds wildly ] Anyway.. anyway.. let’s, uh.. that’s very nice. That band is terrific! Anyway, we are back! and, um.. Ed, you know, I just realized th-th-that’s the last time I’ll be saying “We are back! It feels, uh.. it feels a little weird!

Ed MacMahon: [ as expected ] YES!!

Johnny Carson: Now, uh.. for those of you who are just joining us, this is our final show, and Ed is drunk!

Ed MacMahon: Ha ha..! Yooooou arrre correct, SIR!! YEEEESSS!! Ha ha..!

Johnny Carson: He was holed up in his office for an hour before the show, and this is, uh.. sort of what happened. I guess everyone has their own way, a sort of.. dealing with changes.

Ed MacMahon: Ha ha..! Feeling NO pain, sir! Ha ha..! Totally BLITZED, O Great One! YES!! Ha ha..!

Johnny Carson: Anyway.. this has been a fun week. Clint Eastwod visited us, Qieen Elizabeth, Dom DeLuise was here. But tonight: it’s just me and Ed, uh.. we’re sort of sitting back, taking stock of the past 30 years.

Ed MacMahon: [ feeling groggier with each passing second ] That we are.. O Out-of-Focus One! Ha ha ha-ha..!

Johnny Carson: I’m right here, Ed. For those of you who don’t know – when alcohol enters your bloodstream, it can sort of, uh.. tend to blur your vision.. and that was.. what Ed was referring to.

Ed MacMahon: Ha ha..! [ a quick beat ] YES!! Ha ha.. ha..

Johnny Carson: Anyway, alright.. well, we’re winding down and, Ed, you know, we’ve had a lot of fun tonight, and, uh-

Ed MacMahon: [ suddenly ] NO!!

Johnny Carson: [ confused ] No?

Ed MacMahon: ..I just wanted to see what it would be like to disagree with you once..

Johnny Carson: I see.. Are you finished?

Ed MacMahon: [ not missing a beat ] YES!! Ha ha ha..!

Johnny Carson: Alright, well.. all week long, we’ve been, uh.. carrying some taped greetings from some friends of the show.. and tonight we’ve got some from the other, uh.. late night personalities. So just.. you in the studio, watch your monitors.

[ dissolve to the taped greetings, the first one featuring Jay Leno ]

Jay Leno: He-hey, Johnny.. hey listen, we’re all gonna miss you.. I mean.. it’s terrible.. [ shifts to deep-voice mode ] I mean, it’s great for me! But, you know.. [ ] I mean, it’s a terrible thing that you’re not gonna be on.. I mean, i-it’s great that.. I-I’m the one who, you know.. [ shifts to back to deep-voice mode ] If someone had to be the one! [ ] But, still, it’s just really-

[ dissolve to Arsenio Hall speaking in a whisper ]

Arsenio Hall: You.. you’re the one man. You’re the man! There will never.. be.. a-nother. You. Are. The man! You.

[ dissolve to Dennis Miller twiching ]

Dennis Miller: Johnny, babe! I can’t even put this into words, huh? I mrean.. this is your gig, man! Compared to you, we’re all like that second Darren or that.. that blonde that took Barbarino’s place on “Kotter”! I mean, what was that all about, huh?! You’re the king, babe! I mean, I’m not trying to be obsquetious here, but you’re a class man! I don’t even make a visceral play! I’m hovering around the whole “Newton’s Apple”/”This Old House” slot – I’m not even Vila, for crying out loud! I’m the new guy with the whole Bob Balaban/Austin Pendleton! I’m not getting anything, Johnny! Buck..

[ dissolve back to Johnny and Ed ]

Johnny Carson: Well, that.. that was weird, wild stuff! I guess they’re big fans of mine. I did not know that! Anyway.. we are here, and these are our final two minutes here together, Ed, and um.. I’ve gotta say, it feels a little.. bittersweet.

Ed MacMahon: [ solemn ] Yes, sir.. [ sniffs a teardrop ]

Johnny Carson: I mean, we’ve, uh.. we’ve been together since, what, the 50’s? And, uh.. you know, I’m getting a little choked up just talking about it.

Ed MacMahon: Emotions running high.. yes..

Johnny Carson: It is wild stuff. I-I wanted to take these last two minutes, Ed, to say some things I never really had the chance to, uh-

[ Doc Severinson Orchestra suddenly plays David Brenner onto the stage ]

Johnny Carson: I, uhhh.. David Brenner is here. David Brenner, everybody..

[ audience applauds Brenner’s entrance, as he sits next to Ed on the couch ]

David Brenner: [ mumbling ] Oh, my God.. this is some night, huh!

Johnny Carson: Yeah. David Brenner. Yes. Well, uh.. i-i-it’s nice to see you, but I just have two minutes to go, and I, uh-

David Brenner: Oh, no, no.. I know! Look, I just had to ocme one more time! I mean, this is my 236th appearance! It’s pretty amazing, huh!

Johnny Carson: Well, look, uh.. David.. I-I just had a few things I want to say to Ed before I go.

David Brenner: Yeah, sure! Just look, I’m just here! [ laughs ]

Johnny Carson: Alright. Uh.. Ed, I want to say that, uh.. you know that time we moved the show from New York to L.A.?

Ed MacMahon: Yes.

David Brenner: [ remembering ] Oh, yeah yeah! I remember that! [ laughs ]

Johnny Carson: Anyway.. there were rumors I was gonna replace you?

Ed MacMahon: Yes.

David Brenner: [ remembering ] Oh, yes! Yes! That’s right! [ laughs ]

Johnny Carson: Well, I-I just wanted to say, Ed.. that it was, um.. not-

Joan Embrey: Hi, Johnny!

[ Doc Severinson Orchestra suddenly plays Joan Embrey onto the stage, with a cockatoo on her shoulder ]

Johnny Carson: Joan Embrey.

[ audience applauds Joan’s entrance, as she stands next to Johnny at the desk ]

Joan Embrey: I just had to come on one more time! You remember Irving the Cockatoo?

Johnny Carson: Yep.. yep..

Joan Embrey: He was your favorite!

Johnny Carson: Yeah, well.. look, um.. alright, just-just have a seat.. I-I’m talking to Ed right now, Joan, as a matter of fact.. [ Joan’s stagehands bring in a tiger cub, which she displays to everyone on the set ] Oh, I see you’ve brought a.. a whole kit and kaboodle here..

Joan Embrey: Oh yeah, I have a tiger cub here.. how about this?

David Brenner: Adorable!

[ Joan takes her seat on the couch next to Ed and Brenner ]

Joan Embrey: Hi, Ed! [ laughs ]

Johnny Carson: That’s right. Well, it’s been 30 years, and I just have one minute to go. Ed, I want you to know, I-I never reconsidered, um..

[ tiger cub growls ]

Johnny Carson: ..replacing you, and I, um..

[ tiger cub growls ]

Johnny Carson: I mean, you and I are like steaks and A-1 Sauce!

[ tiger cub growls ]

Johnny Carson: We’re like, uh.. Dolly Parton and- Joan, could you.. is there any way you could kinda..?

Joan Embrey: Um.. that’s Irving. I’m just afraid he’s upsetting the tiger cub.. oh boy, here we go.. oh, God..

[ suddenly, the tiger cub jumps into Brenner’s lap and begins to take a ferocious piss ]

Johnny Carson: Oh, boy.. That is.. that is just.. that’s, uh.. Anyway, Ed.. uh, can we just-

[ the tiger cub chews furiously on David Brenner ]

David Brenner: Aaagghhhh!!! Get him off me!! Get him off me!!

Ed MacMahon: Say “Uncle”, tiger!

[ Ed pounces on the tiger cub, propelling the two of them over Johnny’s desk ]

Johnny Carson: [ stunned ] I did not think our last show would end this way..

Ed MacMahon: [ screaming as he pounds on the tiger cub ] Not the way we intended-

Johnny Carson: Well, if.. if you’re just tuned in, Ed is, uh.. Ed? I guess it’s a good thing you’re drunk!

Ed MacMahon: [ pokes his head up from behind the desk ] Too drunk to be scaaared Yes, sir!

Johnny Carson: Well! Before we go, I’ve got one more thing to say..! And I hope I’m not saying it for the last time – and that is, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiiiiiiggghhtt!!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Woody Harrelson: 05/16/92: Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

]]>

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 20







91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
Todd O’Conner…..Chris Farley
Pat Arnold…..Mike Myers
Carl Wollarski…..Rob Smigel
Operaman…..Adam Sandler

Kevin Nealon: Good evening! I’m Kevin Nealon, and I’m a son of an Irish bishop.

Well, President Bush Thursday unveiled Bush League, his new line of clothing for dorky white guys.

The future ex-president later wowed the assembled crowd by reeling in an 8 1/2-pound northern spotted owl.

Ross Perot filed a financial disclosure statement on Friday, putting his personal fortune at $3.3 billion – or $800 million more than previously estimated. As a result, yesterday Perot was awarded an honorary doctorate of money degree at Oklahoma State University.

Jerry Brown went whitewater rafting with two members of rival L.A. gangs. And next week, the gang members promise to let Brown come along on a drive-by shooting.

And the results of last week’s Phillipine presidential election, which included candidate Imelda Marcos, may be contested. Some observers complained that the use of old shoe boxes as ballot boxes.. may not be very good.

Scientists in Rotterdam are reportedly working around the clock.

The “Where’s Waldo?” books have become so popular that the publishers are adding new additions. Last week, they came out with “Where’s Georgie?” and next week, they’re coming out with a double edition: “Where’s Ronnie & Gorby?”

Many people are confused by the civil ethics of a war in Yugoslavia, putting the Serbs against the Croats.. and also involving the people of Bosnia, Herze-go-vona.. -gor-vona.. or -govina .. Well, it doesn’t matter. Basically, there’s no oil, so don’t worry about it!

Well, the ballots have been tabulated, the results are in – the winner of Yugoslavia’s 1992 Funny Face Competition goes to: Yugoslav Federal Army General Blagoje Adhiz.

Well, the NBA Play-Offs are heating up. Tomorrow, the Bulls and the Knicks will play Game 7 of their Conference Semi-Final. Here with a persoective are Chicago radio personalities The Superfans.

[ Superfans appear on the monitor behind Kevin ]

Todd O’Conner: Thanks, Kevin! Well, the two teams are tied, 3-3, and it’s, uh.. it’s been an exciting series, and I’m sure a lot of New York fans will be, uh.. ready to, uh.. go to Chicago for the big game tomorrow.

Carl Wollarski: That’s right! They’re gonna be flying there, and that’s why, right now, we’d like to offer those New York fans a few tips on how to handle the long painful flight back home.

Pat Arnold: That’s right! ‘Cause two hours can seem like an eternity when your hopes have been dashed by.. Da Bulls!

Superfans: Da Bulls!!

Pat Arnold: Now, try to get your mind off the humiliation with an in-flight movie. Or, better yet, have an alcoholic beverage of your choice.

Todd O’Conner: But remember, New Yorkers, smoking crack is not legal on planes. Keep those pipes in your pockets ’til you land.

Kevin Nealon: Well, that’s great, guys.. but I think a lot of people believe the Knicks are gonna win.

Pat Arnold: Yeah, well, it’s very sad.. very cruel the Bulls have toyed with Knicks fans.

Carl Wollarski: Very sad. Please, Kevin, there’s no comparison. I mean, take the coaches. [ holds up picture of Pat Riley ] Now, here’s the Knicks coach – Pat Riley. Armani suit, has his hair slicked back – looks nice, right? Huh?

Todd O’Conner: Yeahhh. I wonder where he got that from? [ holds up similar picture of Mike Ditka ]

Carl Wollarski: My goodness!

Todd O’Conner: Whoa, what have we here? How could he-

Carl Wollarski: Where have we seen that sharp hairstyle before?

Kevin Nealon: Okay, we get the idea, guys..

Superfans: Alright, alright, alright..

Todd O’Conner: Alright, alright, Kevin.. What about the names of the teams? We know what a Bull is – what the hell’s a Knick?

Pat Arnold: How about: it’s what a New York man gets when he shaves his leg before going into a Greenwich Village bar!

[ the Superfan enjoy their joke ]

Kevin Nealon: Alright. So, your pick?

Todd o’Conner: Bulls, 240 to 87.

Carl Wollarski: That’s right.

Kevin Nealon: Alright, I see. The Superfans, everyone!

Well, a study has revealed that secondhand smoke is unhealthy, but usually cheaper.

In addition: 2 + 2 = 4.

Well, Murphy Brown will finally be giving birth on the show’s season finale this Monday night. CBS assures squeamish viewers the show will be much more pleasant to watch than last year’s birthing episode of “Jake & The Fatman”.

And “Lethal Weapon 3” opened around the country yesterday, and plans are already under way for the next dequel, “Lethal Weapon 4”, which will star Detroit suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian.

Besides “Lethal Weapon 3” this summer, several other sequels ill hit the theaters: “Alien 3”, “Batman Returns”, “JFK Part 2”, “The Really, Really Last Temptation of Christ”, and “Honey, I Slept With The Kids”.

Variety posters of the “Batman” sequels can be seen at just about every bus stop in town. The marketing ply by Warner will probably reduce ticket sales, since, if you drive by all the bus stops fast enough, it’s just like seeing the movie.

Update statistic: 4 out of 5 dentists.. leaves 1 dentist.

In a related story, McDonald’s is warning customers that a toy car found in Happy Meals could cause choking. Also, officials have warned that Big Macs are the main cuase of death in cows. They think it has something to do with the patty meat.. or the meat patty.. whichever one you get.

And now, with a look back at some of the events of the week, is Operaman. Operaman?

Operaman: Ohh.. hey gracias, Kevin gracia!

[ singing ]

[ picture of Ross Perot ]
“Billionairo Ross Perot
Mi confuso
Es Frank Perdue? Oh?”

[ picture of President George Bush with eyes closed ]
“Ssh ssh, el Doze-oh
Sshhhhh, el-Doze-oh.
[ jump to picture of Los Angeles burning ]
“El inferno!Violencia!
Armageddon!”

[ jump back to picture of President George Bush with eyes closed ]
“Sshhhhh, el Doze-oh!
No disturba Presidente”

[ picture of Daryl Gates ]
“La chiefa policia
No dispatcha gendarme
Morono, no respondo
No excuse bagga doucha!”

[ picture of Messier ]
“Messier!
El choke-oh!
Il Cupo de Stanley
Arrividerci!”

[ picture of Johnny Carson ]
“Carnac finale
Termino bella notte
Carnac adio!
El beginno
El Chin-oh
Jay Leno
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh!”

[ picture of SNL logo ]
“Saturdia Noche Vive
Endo seasone
Operaman
Bye-Byyyyyyyyyyyyeeee!”

Kevin Nealon: Operaman, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you, Operaman.

The acting head of the National Endowment of the Arts has declared there’s a difference between “nude” and “naked”. Also revealed were differences between “disrobed”, “unclad” and “bare-assed”.

Weekend Update has also learned there’s a difference between “endowment” and “endowed”.

The inventor of the margarita has died. We here at Weekend Update feel that not enough time has passed for us to make jokes about this sad story. However, enough time has passed since the Earl Sandwich, the inventor of the sandwich died.. so we’d like to say he was buried in a coffin with a toothpick through it.

Irish bishop Eamonn Casey admitted last week that he has an illegitimate son living in the U.S. NBC is planning a situation comedy about Casey, modeled after “Major Dad”, and entitled “Father Dad”.

Kevin Nealon: If you would like a written transcript of this news broadcast, learn to write really fast. I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

SNL Transcripts

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4.7K[   ]91tdeep1.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.5K[   ]91tgannon.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.8K[   ]91tgoodnights.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.5K[   ]91tmono.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.8K[   ]91tpregnant.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.6K[   ]91tsprockets.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.7K[   ]91ttonight.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 12K[   ]91tupdate.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 11K[   ]1991.phtml12-Dec-2007 13:15 9.5K[IMG]1991intro1.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 1.9K[IMG]1991intro2.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 2.4K[IMG]1991intro3.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 5.5K[IMG]1991intro4.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 6.2K[IMG]1991intro5.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 2.8K[IMG]1991intro6.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 6.6K[IMG]1991intro7.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 6.2K[IMG]1991intro41.jpg06-Feb-2007 10:07 18K[IMG]1991intro45q.jpg28-Mar-2006 07:00 18K[IMG]1991intro50q.jpg28-Mar-2006 07:00 17K[IMG]bg.jpg22-Apr-2002 00:00 1.7K[IMG]line.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 726 [   ]local_40444.xml16-Oct-2006 07:45 198 [DIR]pics/12-Jun-2007 21:43 – [IMG]space.gif12-Nov-2001 00:00 827 [IMG]space2.gif12-Nov-2001 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[DIR]Parent Directory  – [IMG]1991intro1.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 1.9K[IMG]1991intro2.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 2.4K[IMG]1991intro3.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 5.5K[IMG]1991intro4.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 6.2K[IMG]1991intro5.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 2.8K[IMG]1991intro6.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 6.6K[IMG]1991intro7.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 6.2K[IMG]line.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 726 [IMG]space.gif12-Nov-2001 00:00 827 [IMG]space2.gif12-Nov-2001 00:00 808 [TXT]style.css27-Nov-2001 00:00 529 [IMG]bg.jpg22-Apr-2002 00:00 1.7K[IMG]1991intro45q.jpg28-Mar-2006 07:00 18K[IMG]1991intro50q.jpg28-Mar-2006 07:00 17K[   ]91a.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 3.3K[   ]91b.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 2.9K[   ]91c.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 82 [   ]91cdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91cdeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91cdeep3.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91edeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91edeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91fdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91g.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 4.3K[   ]91gdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91gdeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.3K[   ]91gdeep3.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91hdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.1K[   ]91ideep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.4K[   ]91ideep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.1K[   ]91ldeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91ldeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.3K[   ]91m.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 4.0K[   ]91mdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.5K[   ]91mdeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91ndeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.3K[   ]91o.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 4.6K[   ]91odeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.3K[   ]91odeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91p.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 5.1K[   ]91pdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.5K[   ]91pdeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91pdeep3.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]local_40444.xml16-Oct-2006 07:45 198 [IMG]1991intro41.jpg06-Feb-2007 10:07 18K[   ]91aschmitts.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.5K[   ]91asmalley.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.7K[   ]91asuperfans.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.3K[   ]91aupdate.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.0K[   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13:43 5.2K[   ]91dmclaughlin.phtml06-Jul-2007 07:18 6.7K[   ]91dmono.phtml06-Jul-2007 07:18 4.7K[   ]91dwings.phtml06-Jul-2007 07:18 8.1K[   ]91dwolfman.phtml06-Jul-2007 07:18 5.1K[   ]91dyoung.phtml06-Jul-2007 07:18 7.0K[   ]91f.phtml26-Jul-2007 10:08 3.0K[   ]91ftoonces.phtml26-Jul-2007 11:30 6.8K[   ]91d.phtml25-Oct-2007 05:44 3.4K[   ]91dhans.phtml25-Oct-2007 05:44 7.9K[   ]91j.phtml25-Oct-2007 05:56 3.2K[   ]91kdahmer.phtml25-Oct-2007 06:08 5.3K[   ]91ktim.phtml25-Oct-2007 06:12 6.4K[   ]91k.phtml25-Oct-2007 06:14 3.4K[   ]91jinsults.phtml25-Oct-2007 06:14 5.0K[   ]91kbigtall.phtml25-Oct-2007 07:13 3.8K[   ]91isucker.phtml25-Oct-2007 07:25 5.3K[   ]91iupdate.phtml25-Oct-2007 07:29 7.8K[   ]91ideep3.phtml25-Oct-2007 08:28 2.5K[   ]91i.phtml25-Oct-2007 08:28 4.1K[   ]91nupdate.phtml28-Oct-2007 08:45 9.3K[   ]91n.phtml28-Oct-2007 08:47 4.9K[   ]91hupdate.phtml31-Oct-2007 05:41 8.8K[   ]91hreceptionist.phtml31-Oct-2007 06:05 7.9K[   ]91h.phtml31-Oct-2007 06:06 3.3K[   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[DIR]Parent Directory  – [TXT]style.css27-Nov-2001 00:00 529 [IMG]space2.gif12-Nov-2001 00:00 808 [IMG]space.gif12-Nov-2001 00:00 827 [DIR]pics/12-Jun-2007 21:43 – [   ]local_40444.xml16-Oct-2006 07:45 198 [IMG]line.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 726 [IMG]bg.jpg22-Apr-2002 00:00 1.7K[IMG]1991intro50q.jpg28-Mar-2006 07:00 17K[IMG]1991intro45q.jpg28-Mar-2006 07:00 18K[IMG]1991intro41.jpg06-Feb-2007 10:07 18K[IMG]1991intro7.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 6.2K[IMG]1991intro6.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 6.6K[IMG]1991intro5.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 2.8K[IMG]1991intro4.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 6.2K[IMG]1991intro3.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 5.5K[IMG]1991intro2.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 2.4K[IMG]1991intro1.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 1.9K[   ]1991.phtml12-Dec-2007 13:15 9.5K[   ]91tupdate.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 11K[   ]91ttonight.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 12K[   ]91tsprockets.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.7K[   ]91tpregnant.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.6K[   ]91tmono.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.8K[   ]91tgoodnights.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.5K[   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[DIR]Parent Directory  – [DIR]pics/12-Jun-2007 21:43 – [   ]91c.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 82 [   ]local_40444.xml16-Oct-2006 07:45 198 [TXT]style.css27-Nov-2001 00:00 529 [IMG]line.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 726 [IMG]space2.gif12-Nov-2001 00:00 808 [IMG]space.gif12-Nov-2001 00:00 827 [   ]91hdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.1K[   ]91ideep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.1K[   ]91mdeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91cdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91gdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91edeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91pdeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91cdeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91ldeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91gdeep3.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91edeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91cdeep3.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91pdeep3.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91fdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91jgoodnights.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 1.2K[   ]91odeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91gdeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.3K[   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8.7K[   ]91qsexgames.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.7K[   ]91hupdate.phtml31-Oct-2007 05:41 8.8K[   ]91escottish.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.0K[   ]91dupdate.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.1K[   ]91nupdate.phtml28-Oct-2007 08:45 9.3K[   ]91sbelvedere.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.3K[   ]91eass.phtml31-May-2007 20:01 9.4K[   ]1991.phtml12-Dec-2007 13:15 9.5K[   ]91rmakeyouthink.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.5K[   ]91edebate.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.7K[   ]91tgannon.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.8K[   ]91dfamilyfeud.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 11K[   ]91tupdate.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 11K[   ]91rstandup.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 11K[   ]91r.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 11K[   ]91s.phtml05-Jul-2007 13:43 12K[   ]91lupdate.phtml05-Jul-2007 08:34 12K[   ]91ttonight.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 12K[   ]91tbeach.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 12K[   ]91t.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 12K[   ]91ssabra.phtml02-Dec-2007 06:57 14K[   ]91q.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 15K[IMG]1991intro50q.jpg28-Mar-2006 07:00 17K[IMG]1991intro41.jpg06-Feb-2007 10:07 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[DIR]Parent Directory  – [   ]91a.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 3.3K[   ]91aschmitts.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.5K[   ]91asmalley.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.7K[   ]91asuperfans.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.3K[   ]91aupdate.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.0K[   ]91b.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 2.9K[   ]91bearthies.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.6K[   ]91bmono.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.6K[   ]91bnovelty.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 4.6K[   ]91bwrong.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.3K[   ]91c.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 82 [   ]91ccantore.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.9K[   ]91ccoffeetalk.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.4K[   ]91cdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91cdeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91cdeep3.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K[   ]91cmono.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.8K[   ]91cthomas.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.9K[   ]91d.phtml25-Oct-2007 05:44 3.4K[   ]91dcoldcock.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.0K[   ]91dfamilyfeud.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 11K[   ]91dhans.phtml25-Oct-2007 05:44 7.9K[   ]91dmclaughlin.phtml06-Jul-2007 07:18 6.7K[   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SNL Transcripts: Jerry Seinfeld: 04/18/92: Make You Think



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 18






91r: Jerry Seinfeld / Annie Lennox

Make You Think

Mr. Thompson…..Jerry Seinfeld
Randy…..Chris Farley
Sabrina…..Ellen Clehorne
Lisa…..Beth Cahill
Larry…..Adam Sandler
Darlene…..Melanie Hutsell
Doug…..David Spade
Siobhan…..Siobhan Fallon
Chris…..Chris Rock

[ open on interior, high school classroom – teacher Mr. Thompson erasing drawing from chalk board as his class enters ]

Mr. Thompson: This is not funny. [ bell rings ] Alright, let’s settle down, let’s settle down.. I’ve graded your tests, and I have to say.. I am more than a little disappointed. In fact, I’ve decided I’m going to throw them all out. [ pitches them ]

Randy: [ arms in air ] All-right!! [ Mr. Thompson leers at him ] I mean.. aw, man..

Mr. Thompson: I think I’ve been placing too much emphasis on details. What I want you to do now is forget about memorizing things. I want you to think history, okay? We’re just gonna make each other think. Okay? Now, is everybody with me on this? Alright, now let’s talk about the Battle of Britain, and the Lend-Lease Act. How are these two events linked in history? Anybody got any thoughts? [ a hand is raised ] Sabrina?

Sabrina: So.. the tests that you threw out, that’s not gonna count?

Mr. Thompson: No. No. Everybody got that? Now, back to the Battle of Britain and the Lend-Lease Act. Roosevelt said that America must be the great arsenol of democracy. Now, what did he mean by that? We must be the great arsenol. What does he mean? Randy?

Randy: Uh.. that we had to be.. this big.. arseno?

Mr. Thompson: Arsonal. With an “L”.

Randy: Oh.. right. That we needed to be.. uh.. I’m not sure I understand what you’re asking.

Mr. Thompson: Okay. Maybe that wasn’t a fair question. Alright. Now, what country did Roosevelt want to supply with weapons? Who can tell me? What country? Remember, we’re talking about the Battle of.. what? Who can tell me? [ a hand is raised [ Lisa.

Lisa: Uh.. Britain..?

Mr. Thompson: Yes! Good! You see, now we’re thinking History!

Larry: [ interrupting ] Mr. Thompson? I was about to say Britain?

Mr. Thompson: That’s good. So, Roosevelt wants to help Britain in the war against who? Who? Who is Britain at war with? Who can tell me? [ no responses ] Okay, let’s think now. What was happening in America in the 1930’s? [ a hand is raised ] Darlene?

Darlene: I thought you said that we weren’t going to have to know dates?

Mr. Thompson: You’re right. Let me put it another way. In the decade before World War II, what was happening in Europe?

Doug: [ raising hand ] France?

Mr. Thompson: Yeah. Yeah. France. But let’s think. What political group was in Europe at the time?

Siobhan: [ raising hand ] Um.. the French?

Mr. Thompson: [ stunned ] Ye-es..

Larry: Mr. Thompson? The French are still in Europe today.

Mr. Thompson: Yeah. Let’s.. just get off the French for a while, okay?

Larry: [ dejected ] Okay.. sure..

Mr. Thompson: No, I’m sorry.. I was just, Larry, making a point. There are French people in Europe, like Larry said, even today. [ smacks Doug’s hand with his pointer ] You don’t have to write that down! It’s not gonna be on a test. Alright, let’s think about some of the other countries in Europe. Now, name some of the other countries in Europe.. besides France. [ hands lower ] Let’s look at the map up here. [ pulls map down ] now, where’s Europe on the map? Anyone. Where’s Europe? Here? [ points to country on map ] How many of you think this is Europe? Right there. A show of hands [ a few hands meekly raise ] You think this is Europe? You’re right, that is Europe. [ all the hands raise up quickly ] Alright. Good, good, good, good, good.. Now, what are some of the countries in Europe?

Lisa: Spain?

Mr. Thompson: Uh-huh. Good. Anybody else?

Siobhan: Um.. France?

Mr. Thompson: [ relunctant ] Yes. Can someone name another?

Doug: Germ-an-y..

Mr. Thompson: [ excited ] Yes! Germany! Yes! Very good! Let’s talk about Germany!

Chris: Sweden?

Mr. Thompson: Right. But let’s stick with Germany for a second..

Voice: Egypt!

Mr. Thompson: Yes! Let’s just go back to Germany, alright? Now, what political group was in power in Germany at this time? Someone want to take this one? [ no responses ] Larry? Randy? Who haven’t we heard from? [ thinking ] How many of you saw “Raiders of the Lost Ark”?

Doug: [ hand shoots up, excited ] I have it.. on.. tape..! I could bring it?

Mr. Thompson: No. Thank you. Now, who in the movie was Indiana Jones fighting.. [ Randy raises his hand ] ..besides the snakes? [ Randy meekly lowers his hand ] He was fighting the Na-a-a-a-a..
Class: Na-a-a-a-a-a..
Mr. Thompson: Na-a-a-a-zis..

Class: Nazis!!

Larry: Mr. Thompson, I was gonna say Nazis!

Mr. Thompson: Okay. So what did the Nazis do? Let’s think!

Doug: Oh! Uh.. they tried to steal that Lost Ark, then all their faces melted in the end!

Mr. Thompson: No.

Chris: They put up the Berlin Wall?

Siobhan: Oh, that’s right!

Mr. Thompson: No, they didn’t put up the Berlin Wall.

Siobhan: Yeah, yeah they did!

Mr. Thompson: No they didn’t.

Siobhan: Are you sure? Because I think that they did..

Mr. Thompson: You were thinking of the Communists! That was 1961!

Darlene: Um.. Mr. Thompson? I thought that you said we weren’t going to have to know dates?

Mr. Thompson: [ covers his face with his hand ] I’m sorry.. I’m sorry. I forgot. [ regains control ] Alright. Now, the Nazis were in power in Germany. So who were England at war with? During the Battle of Britain? [ a few hands rise ] And don’t say France! [ hands lower ] Who can tell me? not France, but.. Take a guess!

Lisa: Germany?

Mr. Thompson: Yes!

Larry: Germany? ‘Cause I was about to say Germany..

Sabrina: I’ve got a question. Uh.. who came up with that name, Europe?

Mr. Thompson: [ throws down his pointer ] You know what? I think we’ve done enough for today.. [ chugs a couple of antacid tablets ] Let’s read quietly. For the rest of the period, yeah. Just everybody, read at your desks.. everybody..

Siobhan: Mr. Thompson? Um.. we never did get to find out what that guy Roosevelt meant by the Great Arsenio.

Mr. Thompson: [ shakes head ] It doesn’t matter.. [ to Doug ] In fact, why don’t you bring inyour copy of “Raiders of the Lost Ark” tomorrow?

[ zoom out, fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jerry Seinfeld: 04/18/92: Postures



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 18




91r: Jerry Seinfeld / Annie Lennox

Postures

Dan…..Dana Carvey
Kevin…..Kevin Nealon
Ed…..Jerry Seinfeld
Dave…..Chris Farley
Mike…..Mike Myers
Suzanne…..Victoria Jackson
Boss…..Phil Hartman

[ open on interior, company staff room ]

Kevin: [ sitting with one leg resting on the other ] Hey, Dan, how’s that coming?

Dan: [ hand leaning upon chin ] Oh, pretty good, it’s.. is that a Third Quarter report you’re looking at?

Kevin: Yeah. Take a look at these numbers.

Dan: Okay. [ stands up, hand still leaning upon his chin ]

Kevin: Here’s what I’m conerned about.

Dan: [ looking ] Yeah.. that’s probably left over from the..

[ fax machine beeps ]

Kevin: That’s the fax. I’ll get it. [ walks across room, hopping on one foot because the his leg remains firmly hooked beside his other leg ]

Ed: [ enters room bent forward, hands behind his head ] Hey, everybody!

Dan: Hey, Ed.

Kevin: Ed.

Ed: What’s the good word?

Dan: Oh, just a couple discrepancies on the Third Quarter report.

Ed: Oh, don’t sweat it, Dan. I checked it out against yesterday’s draft. That’s just a clerical – no problem. [ sits down in his chair, head leans back to the wall, angling his behind-the-head posture to a perfect pose ]

Dave: [ walks with his hand stretched out, fitting perfectly against the wall ] Say, Ed, I left those blueprints on your desk. Could you look at them?

Ed: Sure, Dave. Just give me a minute.

Mike: [ crouching past the hall, posed in a sitting position, holding an open newspaper ] Excuse me, could you tell me where the, ah..

Kevin: Down the hall, second door on your left.

Mike: Thanks a lot! [ continues down the hall ]

Suzanne: [ enters room with both arms extended, legs crossed, head tilted ] Hey, guys!

Guys: Hey, Suzanne.. how are you?

[ they all crowd around Ed’s desk ]

Kevin: Ed, I’m worried about Suzanne.

Dave: I don’t think she’s working out.

Ed: I know. She.. [ stands ] Walk with me. [ they follow him, walking in their unusual postures ] I don’t know what it is. She just doesn’t seem to be fitting in.

Dan: Well, maybe we’re not making an effort.

Dave: I think it’s her.

Ed: [ looking across the room ] Hey, wait. Take a look!

[ with her arms extended, Suzanne is using one to change a light bulb, one to leaf through folders in a file cabinet, and a telephone below her neck ]

Suzanne: Hey, guys! [ the guys are in awe ] Hey, how’s the Third Quarter report coming?

[ the guys approach her, smiling ]

Dan: Great!

Dave: Hey, do you want to take a look at it?

Suzanne: Sure!

Ed: Hey, Suzanne, we’re having a company softball this weekend. Would you like to join us?

Suzanne: Yeah. I’d love to!

Kevin: [ peers into hall ] Holy Smokes! Here comes the boss!

[ everyone moves about in the room, finding the perfect place to sit or stand so their odd postures allow them to appear to be working effectively ]

Boss: [ enters, walking straight ] Hi, everyone.

Everyone: Hey, Boss! How you doing>

Boss: I’m glad to see everyone busy. Jenkins, is your outline ready for tomorrow’s presentation?

Dan: Uh.. right here, Sir. [ hands papers to him ]

[ grabs report, glancing at it ] Yes, this should be very interesting. [ standing straight, he leans back and falls into the couch, stiff as a board ]

Dave: [ whispering ] He’s a tough customer.

Ed: [ smiling ] Yeah, but it’s great to watch him work.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts