Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 17: Episode 20
The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson
Johnny Carson…..Dana Carvey
Ed MacMahon…..Phil Hartman
Jay Leno…..Kevin Nealon
Arsenio Hall…..Chris Rock
Dennis Miller…..Dana Carvey
David Brenner…..Adam Sandler
Joan Embrey…..Julia Sweeney
[ open on The Tonight Show set, final show with Johnny and Ed decked out in tuxedos ]
Johnny Carson: Yes! [ audience applauds wildly ] Anyway.. anyway.. let’s, uh.. that’s very nice. That band is terrific! Anyway, we are back! and, um.. Ed, you know, I just realized th-th-that’s the last time I’ll be saying “We are back! It feels, uh.. it feels a little weird!
Ed MacMahon: [ as expected ] YES!!
Johnny Carson: Now, uh.. for those of you who are just joining us, this is our final show, and Ed is drunk!
Ed MacMahon: Ha ha..! Yooooou arrre correct, SIR!! YEEEESSS!! Ha ha..!
Johnny Carson: He was holed up in his office for an hour before the show, and this is, uh.. sort of what happened. I guess everyone has their own way, a sort of.. dealing with changes.
Ed MacMahon: Ha ha..! Feeling NO pain, sir! Ha ha..! Totally BLITZED, O Great One! YES!! Ha ha..!
Johnny Carson: Anyway.. this has been a fun week. Clint Eastwod visited us, Qieen Elizabeth, Dom DeLuise was here. But tonight: it’s just me and Ed, uh.. we’re sort of sitting back, taking stock of the past 30 years.
Ed MacMahon: [ feeling groggier with each passing second ] That we are.. O Out-of-Focus One! Ha ha ha-ha..!
Johnny Carson: I’m right here, Ed. For those of you who don’t know – when alcohol enters your bloodstream, it can sort of, uh.. tend to blur your vision.. and that was.. what Ed was referring to.
Ed MacMahon: Ha ha..! [ a quick beat ] YES!! Ha ha.. ha..
Johnny Carson: Anyway, alright.. well, we’re winding down and, Ed, you know, we’ve had a lot of fun tonight, and, uh-
Ed MacMahon: [ suddenly ] NO!!
Johnny Carson: [ confused ] No?
Ed MacMahon: ..I just wanted to see what it would be like to disagree with you once..
Johnny Carson: I see.. Are you finished?
Ed MacMahon: [ not missing a beat ] YES!! Ha ha ha..!
Johnny Carson: Alright, well.. all week long, we’ve been, uh.. carrying some taped greetings from some friends of the show.. and tonight we’ve got some from the other, uh.. late night personalities. So just.. you in the studio, watch your monitors.
[ dissolve to the taped greetings, the first one featuring Jay Leno ]
Jay Leno: He-hey, Johnny.. hey listen, we’re all gonna miss you.. I mean.. it’s terrible.. [ shifts to deep-voice mode ] I mean, it’s great for me! But, you know.. [ ] I mean, it’s a terrible thing that you’re not gonna be on.. I mean, i-it’s great that.. I-I’m the one who, you know.. [ shifts to back to deep-voice mode ] If someone had to be the one! [ ] But, still, it’s just really-
[ dissolve to Arsenio Hall speaking in a whisper ]
Arsenio Hall: You.. you’re the one man. You’re the man! There will never.. be.. a-nother. You. Are. The man! You.
[ dissolve to Dennis Miller twiching ]
Dennis Miller: Johnny, babe! I can’t even put this into words, huh? I mrean.. this is your gig, man! Compared to you, we’re all like that second Darren or that.. that blonde that took Barbarino’s place on “Kotter”! I mean, what was that all about, huh?! You’re the king, babe! I mean, I’m not trying to be obsquetious here, but you’re a class man! I don’t even make a visceral play! I’m hovering around the whole “Newton’s Apple”/”This Old House” slot – I’m not even Vila, for crying out loud! I’m the new guy with the whole Bob Balaban/Austin Pendleton! I’m not getting anything, Johnny! Buck..
[ dissolve back to Johnny and Ed ]
Johnny Carson: Well, that.. that was weird, wild stuff! I guess they’re big fans of mine. I did not know that! Anyway.. we are here, and these are our final two minutes here together, Ed, and um.. I’ve gotta say, it feels a little.. bittersweet.
Ed MacMahon: [ solemn ] Yes, sir.. [ sniffs a teardrop ]
Johnny Carson: I mean, we’ve, uh.. we’ve been together since, what, the 50’s? And, uh.. you know, I’m getting a little choked up just talking about it.
Ed MacMahon: Emotions running high.. yes..
Johnny Carson: It is wild stuff. I-I wanted to take these last two minutes, Ed, to say some things I never really had the chance to, uh-
[ Doc Severinson Orchestra suddenly plays David Brenner onto the stage ]
Johnny Carson: I, uhhh.. David Brenner is here. David Brenner, everybody..
[ audience applauds Brenner’s entrance, as he sits next to Ed on the couch ]
David Brenner: [ mumbling ] Oh, my God.. this is some night, huh!
Johnny Carson: Yeah. David Brenner. Yes. Well, uh.. i-i-it’s nice to see you, but I just have two minutes to go, and I, uh-
David Brenner: Oh, no, no.. I know! Look, I just had to ocme one more time! I mean, this is my 236th appearance! It’s pretty amazing, huh!
Johnny Carson: Well, look, uh.. David.. I-I just had a few things I want to say to Ed before I go.
David Brenner: Yeah, sure! Just look, I’m just here! [ laughs ]
Johnny Carson: Alright. Uh.. Ed, I want to say that, uh.. you know that time we moved the show from New York to L.A.?
Ed MacMahon: Yes.
David Brenner: [ remembering ] Oh, yeah yeah! I remember that! [ laughs ]
Johnny Carson: Anyway.. there were rumors I was gonna replace you?
Ed MacMahon: Yes.
David Brenner: [ remembering ] Oh, yes! Yes! That’s right! [ laughs ]
Johnny Carson: Well, I-I just wanted to say, Ed.. that it was, um.. not-
Joan Embrey: Hi, Johnny!
[ Doc Severinson Orchestra suddenly plays Joan Embrey onto the stage, with a cockatoo on her shoulder ]
Johnny Carson: Joan Embrey.
[ audience applauds Joan’s entrance, as she stands next to Johnny at the desk ]
Joan Embrey: I just had to come on one more time! You remember Irving the Cockatoo?
Johnny Carson: Yep.. yep..
Joan Embrey: He was your favorite!
Johnny Carson: Yeah, well.. look, um.. alright, just-just have a seat.. I-I’m talking to Ed right now, Joan, as a matter of fact.. [ Joan’s stagehands bring in a tiger cub, which she displays to everyone on the set ] Oh, I see you’ve brought a.. a whole kit and kaboodle here..
Joan Embrey: Oh yeah, I have a tiger cub here.. how about this?
David Brenner: Adorable!
[ Joan takes her seat on the couch next to Ed and Brenner ]
Joan Embrey: Hi, Ed! [ laughs ]
Johnny Carson: That’s right. Well, it’s been 30 years, and I just have one minute to go. Ed, I want you to know, I-I never reconsidered, um..
[ tiger cub growls ]
Johnny Carson: ..replacing you, and I, um..
[ tiger cub growls ]
Johnny Carson: I mean, you and I are like steaks and A-1 Sauce!
[ tiger cub growls ]
Johnny Carson: We’re like, uh.. Dolly Parton and- Joan, could you.. is there any way you could kinda..?
Joan Embrey: Um.. that’s Irving. I’m just afraid he’s upsetting the tiger cub.. oh boy, here we go.. oh, God..
[ suddenly, the tiger cub jumps into Brenner’s lap and begins to take a ferocious piss ]
Johnny Carson: Oh, boy.. That is.. that is just.. that’s, uh.. Anyway, Ed.. uh, can we just-
[ the tiger cub chews furiously on David Brenner ]
David Brenner: Aaagghhhh!!! Get him off me!! Get him off me!!
Ed MacMahon: Say “Uncle”, tiger!
[ Ed pounces on the tiger cub, propelling the two of them over Johnny’s desk ]
Johnny Carson: [ stunned ] I did not think our last show would end this way..
Ed MacMahon: [ screaming as he pounds on the tiger cub ] Not the way we intended-
Johnny Carson: Well, if.. if you’re just tuned in, Ed is, uh.. Ed? I guess it’s a good thing you’re drunk!
Ed MacMahon: [ pokes his head up from behind the desk ] Too drunk to be scaaared Yes, sir!
Johnny Carson: Well! Before we go, I’ve got one more thing to say..! And I hope I’m not saying it for the last time – and that is, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiiiiiiggghhtt!!