Colin Jost[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. [Cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin and Michael in their news set]
Michael Che: What’s up, everybody?
Colin Jost: Welcome to ‘Weekend Update’. I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. [Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of news articles at the right top corner of the screen.] Making jokes about the news can get a little redundant for me. But every so often you see picture of a governor blackface and I’m like , “This will be fun.” First, the governor of Virginia [Picture changes to Ralph Northam] admitted to wearing blackface in college for a Michael Jackson costume, by the way, making that the least accurate Michael Jackson costume possible. That wouldn’t be crazy enough, but then the [Picture changes Mark Herring] Attorney General was like, “You too? Blackface is my jam!” And then [Picture changes to Liam Neeson] Liam Neeson was like, “Blackface? Hold my beer. I didn’t want to bring this up ever, but for a week I was trying to kill a black dude with baseball bat. Anyhow, my movie comes out Friday.” This has been a tough week. Not to mention we also found out [Picture changes to 21 Savage] 21 Savage was deported for being British is is kind of like finding out [Picture changes to Adele] Adele is from Atlanta. 21 actually [Picture changes to 21 Savage] had to leave the UK as the kid probably because crazy ass Liam Neeson was trying to kill black dudes with a baseball bat.[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Ralph Northam at the left top corner of the screen.]
Colin Jost: Virginia Governor Ralph Northam is still refusing to resign after a racist photo from his yearbook surface. Okay, but if it was in a yearbook, I mean, how bad could it be? [Picture changes to a yearbook photo dressed up as a black guy and a KKK] Okay. Okay. So very bad. I think. I knew it was a yearbook but I didn’t know the year was 1870. By the way, this yearbook is from is a medical school. These two men are doctors. And Northam claims that neither of these guys os him, which do you know how much crazier it is to have that photo on your yearbook page and you aren’t in it? You just put in on your yearbook page like it’s part of your vision board. What was your inspirational quote? “Dress line no one’s watching.”[Picture changes to Ralph Northam] Democrats are calling for Northam to resign but the second in line is Embroiled in two sexual assault scandals, and the third in line also did blackface. So maybe Virginia should just take a queue from the Oscars and just do without a governor this year. Or maybe they come full circle and make it Governor [Picture changes to Kevin Hart] Kevin Hart. [Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a woman wearing black sweater that covers your lower face and logo of Gucci at the right top corner of the screen.]
Michael Che: And then, Gucci comes out with this sweater. What was I even trying to make? I don’t even want an apology. I’m way more interested in the racist journey. As much as black people love Gucci, this is devastating. Imagine if you found out Lululemon was making maga hats. I don’t know black people in Europe you could have talked to. Why just hire Liam Neeson, anything that makes him laugh, don’t make.[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Jeff Bezos at the left top corner of the screen.]
Colin Jost: Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos claims he was blackmailed by the publisher of the ‘National Enquirer’, which he said threatened to publish semi-nude selfies of him. If you’re curious about what Bezos’ penis looks like, here’s an exclusive preview. [It’s the same picture of Jeff Bezos, but his face is gone] I swear to god, when I clicked on this story and the page was loading. I thought the top of his head [The picture changes to online article and the picture half way loading with only top of his head visible] was the top of his penis. And by the way, I want to apologize for this picture [Picture changes to faceless Jeff Bezos] I showed you even though I am showing it to you right now. This picture is so horrifying, I’m surprised it’s not on Governor Northam’s year book page.[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Donald Trump at the right top corner of the screen.]
Michael Che: During the state of the union address, President Trump urged political unity, which is kind of like [Picture changes to logo of Captain Morgan Whiskey] Captain Morgan urging sobriety. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] He also claimed that if he hadn’t been elected, the US would have gone to war with North Korea. First of all, you don’t knowTwhat. And second, all right, fine, we’ll take that, just anything but you.[Cut to Colin Jost. There is pictures of Donald Trump at the left top corner of the screen.]
Colin Jost: President Trump began his speech with his tie crooked in his jacket. While [Picture changes to Mike Pence] Mike Pence’s tie was so straight, it made me suspicious. [Picture changes to White House] And now, democrats on house intelligence committee have begun the process of obtaining President Trump’s tax returns which is very exciting. You know theose are bad, because if these are his lawyers and this is his doctor, then his accountant is a CD-ROM of turbo tax with a code problem.[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Nancy Pelosi and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez at the right top corner of the screen.]
Michael Che: Speaker of the house Nancy Pelosi refused to commit to bringing up representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s ambitious green new deal proposal for a vote, saying that she ‘Welcomes the enthusiasm’. Which is old white lady speak for ‘Girl, bye’.