Chance the Rapper Monologue

Chance the Rapper

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Band is playing music on the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Change the Rapper.

[Chance the Rapper enters the door and walks to the stage] [Cheers and applause]

Chance the Rapper: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m Chance the Rapper and it is so great to be back here at SNL. If you don’t remember the last time I was here, I gave $1 million to Chicago public schools. [Cheers and applause] And I’m happy to say, it completely fixed everything. No, honestly, to the teachers in Chicago, I know you guys are on strike right now, I fully support you. [Cheers and applause] I just wish that when I was in school, my teachers had gone on a strike. Like, for real, though. But it’s great to be back and to honor my hometown, I’m going to do a song about Chicago, the second city.

[Music playing]

Okay, okay, here we go.

Now, I love Chicago, the city that fathered me,
called the second city, but that doesn’t bother me
I’ve gotta tell you I think it’s the reverse
‘cos sometimes the second best is better than the first
sometimes the second best is better than the first
Like, I don’t like Google, I use Bing
I like French fries from Burger King
when it comes to Harry Potter people give me grief
because I prefer Percy Jackson lightning thief
I only drink Pepsi never Coca-cola
Jimmy Kimmel is fine but I love Adam Corolla
and Robin Gibb is my favorite bee gee
I hate Mario, love Luigi
because I’m the kind of guy that likes the second best better
I’m the kind of guy that likes the second best one
I like DMC better than RUN
‘cos I’m  the kind of guy that likes the second best one

[Kyle Mooney walks in]

Hey, Kyle Mooney!

[Cheers and applause]

Kyle Mooney: Hey, Chance. I was just listening to your song and I can totally relate. You see, I’m from San Diego, sort of the second city of southern California.

Chance the Rapper: Do people call it that?

Kyle Mooney: They do, yeah, all the time.

Chance the Rapper: Because I’ve never heard anyone call it that.

Kyle Mooney: Well, they do, okay? Now, let me rap.

Chance the Rapper: Okay.

Kyle Mooney: Here we go. Kyle Mooney rapping.

Now me and Chance we live that thug life
because we like antz more than bug’s life

Chance the Rapper: Sense and sensibility was better than pride and prejudice
never had Nintendo but I rocked a Sega Genesis

Kyle Mooney: You know I like Scrappy more than Scooby-Doo.
I don’t like Chili’s but I love Chili’s too

Chance the Rapper: I like the clippers the nets and my white SOX
I don’t have Netflix, I like Redbox

Kyle Mooney: I use DHL for my overnight shipping

Chance the Rapper: My favorite bulls player is Scottie Pippin

Kyle Mooney: I like Hanukkahs better than Christmases

I don’t love Islands but I love Isthumuses

Chance the Rapper: What’s an Isthmuse?

Kyle Mooney: It’s a narrow strip of land connecting two bigger pieces of lands.

Chance the Rapper: And that’s second best to islands?

Kyle Mooney: For the purposes of the song. Yes, just keep going, okay?

Chance the Rapper: Okay.

Instead of Starbucks you know what I do
I go to Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf or Caribou

Kyle Mooney: Lunchtime I don’t have to think it over
I skip Chipotle and head to QDOBA

Chance the Rapper: Some people like Mace more than Puffy
I like the show Angel better than Buffy

Kyle Mooney: My favorite show about  90’s teens
wasn’t Saved by the Bell it was California Dream

I was wondering, do you think I could be on your next album?

Chance the Rapper: No.

Kyle Mooney: That made sense, all right. Take it away.

[Kyle Mooney leaves the stage]

Chance the Rapper: Okay. Here we go. Big-time.

Yeah, I’m the kind of guy that likes the second best best.

I think Chicago is better than the rest

I take seconds at dinner and second glances

I believe in second chances

I love my wife and my family is true

A month ago we welcomed daughter number two

Now I’m in New York, it’s great to be alive

I’m back for the second time hosting “Saturday Night Live”.

We got a great show for you tonight. I am here so stick around and we’ll be right back!