Hillary Clinton Cold Open

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon.

[Starts with an intro video]

Announcer: And now a message from Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton sitting on a sofa in her house]

Hillary Clinton: Good evening. Hello. I’m Hillary Clinton. Tonight, I’m speaking to you not as secretary of state or as a senator, or as a first lady. But as a relatable woman on a couch. Hello!


Recently, it was revealed that while I was secretary of state, I did not use a government email. I used a personal one leading many to believe I was hiding scandalous or incriminated emails. And to those people, I’d like to say, nice try! Those emails are clean as a whistle. This is not how Hillary Clinton goes down. I mean, what did you think my email said? “Hi, it’s Hillary. I really screwed on Benghazi today.” Please! [laughing]

I wasn’t born yesterday. I was born 67 years ago and I have been planning on being president ever since. There will be no mistakes in my rise to the top. If I decide to run, who knows? I might not. As you can see, I’m just relaxing at home. [laughing]

But to prove I’ve done nothing wrong, I’ve ordered the state department to release every email I ever sent while in office. So, go ahead! Read em’! You won’t find Jack riding my squat. My work emails are professional and my emails with friends are innocent and fun. Like, this one. A friend wrote to me…

[Cut to an email her friend sent to her]

“Hey girl, still up for a movie tonight? I heard that new Bradley Cooper one is hot. What do you want to see?”

And I responded with…

[Cut to her response]

“I want to see myself as President of the United States of America.”

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

See? Just fun woman talk. [laughing]

And the emails to Bill, the only thing you’ll dig up is a little bit of mature romance. Take a look at this sexy email I sent him on our anniversary.

[Cut to an email she sent to her husband]

“Dear Sir or Madam, Congratulations on your continued marital success. I would like to schedule a sit-down at your earliest convenience. Regards, The Office of Hillary Clinton.”

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Ooh! But I’m not stopping at email. You wanna check my Netflix? Go ahead. Nothing to hide. Everyday I watch ‘House of Cards’ from start to finish. I jog in place while watching it like I’m in a Rocky training montage.

You wanna see my private Instagram account? Sure! You’ll find nothing but fun, innocent, carefree pics. Here I am having a blast on a roller coaster.

[Cut to a photoshopped picture where Hillary Clinton is using her mobile phone wearing a formal outfit on a roller coaster]

Here’s me soaking up some sun.

[Cut to a photoshopped picture where Hillary Clinton is using her mobile phone on a beach.]

Just a fun beach babe contemplating what her first 10 thousand moves as a President would be. [Cut to Hillary Clinton] If I run, who know? I am! But after all this, if people still want someone like Elizabeth Warren to fun instead, god bless Elizabeth. Lizzy! I love you, girl. We need more women like you. But it’s not your time. It’s mmm-my time. I have wanted to be president since before I was born. You think I’m joking? Here’s the proof.

[Cut to an ultrasound picture of a baby with ‘Hillary 2008’ sign.]

It’s a little off on the year but who can blame me? My brain was just a little spec. [laughing] What a relatable laugh. And finally tonight, I want to address that pesky media who’s really crawling up and under that skin of mine, camera two zoom in, [camera starts zooming] I have survived everything that’s been thrown at me. Benghazi, White water, the blue dress, having the maiden name Rod Ham, and none of that destroyed me. Music in. [music playing] So, after this little blip, I shall rise again from the ashes like a phoenix… nae, like a Hillary Clinton. And I will ascend to high office of president and claim my rightful place in history… [music stops] if I choose to run. I don’t know. [audience laughing] I’m so iffy on the whole thing. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.