…..Colin Jost
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg…..Kate McKinnon
[ Colin Jost is sitting at the newsroom desk. ]
COLIN JOST: Here now to comment on the nomination of Brett Kavanaugh is current Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
[ Camera pans out to reveal Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg sitting next to Colin. She snapping her fingers with her arms stretched out. ]
Justice: Don’t worry, don’t worry, don’t worry my kittens. [ Justice begins to sing. ] “I’m never going to give you up. Never going to let you down. Never going to turn around.” [ Justice spins in her chair. ] “And retire.”
COLIN JOST: So what did you think of this Kavanaugh hearing?
Justice: Oh my God. The guy was going nuts. Crying and yelling and ralphing and boofing. Seriously, he thinks his confirmation hearing was unfair? My confirmation hearing was they threw me in a river to see if I float. And I did. I floated on top like a little water bug. [ The Justice imitates a water bug floating on top of the water. ] Plus you got Lindsay Lohan Graham out there getting all messy like we’re at a party in Mykonos. Yikes! Hey Lindsay, are you Herbie? Because you look fully loaded. And that’s a Gins-burn! [ The Justice stands up and starts to dance. ]
COLIN JOST: So Justice, what do you think is going to happen now?
Justice: Let’s be real Colin. The guy’s probably going to get confirmed. Okay. And now the Republicans want to do a whole FBI investigation so they can go ahead and vote yes anyway. Hey Jeff Flake, you can borrow a pair of my panties since you’re so concerned about covering your own ass. That’s a Gins-burn! [ The Justice begins to dance again. ]
COLIN JOST: Look at that energy.
Justice: Yeah, I got a little bit.
COLIN JOST: What did you think of Kavanaugh’s calendars?
Justice: Yeah, you mean the portrait of the Judge as a young D-bag? Spell binding. You want to see my calendar from July 1982? [ The Justice pulls out a calendar that reads July 1982. ] This ought to be fun look at this? [ The Justice points to a date. ] Turn 100. [ The Justice points to another date. ] Break glass ceiling. [ The audience cheers. The Justice dismisses their cheer with an arm wave. ] Shut up! [ The Justice points to the final marked date on the calendar. ] Do laps in a bird bath. That’s funny. [ She puts the calendar away and pulls out another calendar from September 2018. Written in big bold letters over all the dates is “DON’T DIE”. ] Now here’s my calendar from today. Don’t Die. That’s it. That’s all I got to do. I’ve been alive so long, I’m restarting my life cycle, Colin. Like a cicada. [ She flutters her fingers like an insect’s wings. ] I’m going through puberty again. I got all sorts of feelings about ‘Riverdale’.
COLIN JOST: Riverdale?
Justice: Yes that Cole Sprouse, looking like a snack to me. Hey jughead, why don’t you come on over and put your head on my jugs. And check out my heart murmur while you’re at it. That’s a slow Gins-burn, what! [ She stands up and starts to slow dance. She sits down and leans in close to Colin. ]
COLIN JOST: Okay, okay. How do you feel then about potentially sharing the bench with Justice Kavanaugh? [ The Justice sits back up. ]
Justice: Oh, I’m thrilled. We’re going to be very welcoming. [ She pounds her fit into her other hand with a smirk on her face. ] The guy likes drinking games so much, we got one planned for him. It’s called quarters. It’s when me and Sotomayor put a roll of quarters in a sock and beat the hell out of him. I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Come on. I would never be able to lift a roll of quarters. That’s a self Gins-burn! [ She stands up and starts dancing again. ]
COLIN JOST: Ruth Bader Ginsburg everyone!