Bruce Chandling… Kyle Mooney
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]
Michael Che: Major league baseball return this week. The Golden State Warriors are chasing history and the final round of the master’s tournament is set to start on Sunday. Here with his unique take of the world of sports is veteran stand up coming, Bruce Chandling.
[Bruce Chandling slides in]
Bruce Chandling: Hey. Oh! It’s so good to be here Michael. Now, can we hurry this up? I’m trying to get home in time to watch the… big game.
[silence]
Michael Che: Yeah, I don’t think any games are starting this late.
Bruce Chandling: Exactly! Ay, that’s just a thing, right? Also Che, we’re on the same page. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] One thing we can all agree on is that [laughing] women do not get sports.
[silence]
[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]
Michael Che: That’s your unique take?
Bruce Chandling: Ay, hear me out Michael. Hear me out. I bring my girl at the ball game that day. it’s a true story by the way. It actually happened. Whole time she’s going, [Cut to Bruce Chandling] “Who is winning, Bruce? Which team is which? Why aren’t they all shoppy?” Please, I’m asking myself, ‘Am I watching a baseball game or solving a mystery?’
Michael Che: Bruce, there are millions of female sports fans.
Bruce Chandling: [laughing] Great routine. But you know, [Cut to Bruce Chandling] we all live in different day and age. Right? Case in point. Male cheerleaders? [laughing] Oh, ouch! I mean, they stink. [Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling] Right Michael?
Michael Che: What? That’s the whole joke?
Bruce Chandling: Uh-huh! These days they’ll turn anything into sport.
Michael Che: Okay.
Bruce Chandling: Horse racing. You heard about this?
Michael Che: Yeah, man.
Bruce Chandling: You’ve seen this?
Michael Che: Yeah.
[Cut to Bruce Chandling]
Bruce Chandling: It is where they put a person on top of a horse and ride around a circle. Now I don’t know about you, Michael, but I never heard about a guy on a horse. [laughing]
[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]
Michael Che: What? What about cowboys? Okay, I’m sorry. Did you run these jokes by anybody? Like, do you have any friends that you can work your material out on first before you come on national TV?
[Cut to Bruce Chandling]
Bruce Chandling: Hah-ha-ha. [looks around] I guess… Ha-ha-ha. No, I don’t.
[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]
Michael Che: Oh, my bad man. I’m sorry.
[Cut to Bruce Chandling]
Bruce Chandling: And not only do people not want to be around me coz they think I’m boring, but it probably doesn’t help that I’m also very poor.
[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]
Michael Che: [laughing] Jeez. Alright. [Awkward]
Bruce Chandling: You can call me Mr. worthless pile of junk.
Michael Che: Oh, come on. Hey, Bruce. I’m really sorry, bud. Maybe live television isn’t the place to work on your personal issues.
[Cut to Bruce Chandling]
Bruce Chandling: Um-hmm. I guess the only issue I have worked out is that… [smiling] women do not get sports. [laughing]
[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]
Michael Che: Bruce Chadling, everybody.
[Colin Jost laughing]
For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.
[The End]