Michael Che: Colin Kaepernick held a private workout today to show that he can still play in NFL. But if he can’t, he’ll have to settle for playing with the New York Giants.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Italy map at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Italy will become the first country in the world to make it mandatory for schools to teach children about climate change. Because, as Italian scientists put it, “The earth is about to become one spicy meat-a-ball.”[The picture changes to Starbucks logo]
The largest Starbucks in the world opened Friday in Chicago. The news was first reported in Hobo bathroom quarterly.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Sesame Street at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Sesame street has turned 50 years old which explains why big bird got Botox. You’ll like this one. [The picture changes to China’s map] During the Chinese shopping holiday known as singles day which celebrates people who are single, shoppers spent $1 billion in the first 60 seconds. Coincidentally blowing a big wad in the first 60 seconds is why many of them are single in the first place.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of sea beach and drugs at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Beaches in the South Western France have been shut down after mysterious bricks of cocaine keep washing up on shore. Prompting questions like, “Shich beaches and where exactly?”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of news article at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A man in Iowa who went to a medical clinic for a circumcision and instead given a vasectomy was awarded $2 million, plus tip.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of new infinity pool of London at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: The world’s first infinity pool with a 360 degree pool has opened in London on the top of a Skyscraper. Perfect for anyone who wants to fall to their death playing Marco-polo.