Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day
Eric… Alex Moffat[Starts with Colin Jost on his news set]
Colin Jost: This week, president Trump’s eldest son attacked Hunter Biden in the media for allegedly profiting from his father’s political influence. Here with more, first sons, Eric and Don Trump Jr.[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. come in]
Donald Trump Jr.: Hey, Colin. Nice Bernie jokes. Can you believe it, they actually made fun of a democrat.
Donald Trump Jr.: Do you like that, Eric?
Eric: I don’t get it!
Colin Jost: Now Eric, you were recently interviewed on Fox News?
Eric: All by myself.[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]
Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah, you were. God, I was so proud of him. Our little boy is growing up, Colin. Today he sat through an entire meeting without doing the pee-pee dance.
Eric: And I had to go.
Donald Trump Jr.: He’s transitioning from bath to showers.
Eric: I still lay down.
Donald Trump Jr.: And he even has a crush on a girl.
Eric: Ha-ha! My wife!
Donald Trump Jr.: Uh-huh! Lara Trump, your wife.[Cut to Colin Jost, Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]
Colin Jost: Congrats, Eric. Well, you’ve both been accusing of Hunter Biden of benefiting from his father’s political connections, but haven’t you two been doing the exact same thing?
Donald Trump Jr. and Eric: Ha-ha. Ha-ha, ha-ha.
Donald Trump Jr.: Colin, we’d been running the Trump organization even if Donald Trump wasn’t our father.
Colin Jost: Yeah, I don’t know about that.[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]
Donald Trump Jr.: Well, but Hunter Biden, you know, Colin, there’s a word for when you get a job because of who your family is.
Eric: Uh-huh. Nipple teasing!
Donald Trump Jr.: No. It’s nepotism, bud. It’s not nipple teasing, right? Nepotism.
Donald Trump Jr.: Do you want to try saying Nepotism? Nepotism. All right. Look, if the dems want a witch hunt, they should go after the real witch, okay? Joe—
Donald Trump Jr.: –Biden.
Donald Trump Jr.: Not real, buddy. Look, all of these attacks on our family, Colin, are just distractions. The dems know this primary’s a disaster. And no one can beat our father in the general. And the worse is this Kamala Harris. Oh, my god. My dad can’t stand her. Because Harris is—
Eric: A woman!
Donald Trump Jr.: No. No, that’s not why. Harris is—
Donald Trump Jr.: No, Eric, she’s a big talker. But it’s clear she’s all bark and no—
Donald Trump Jr.: No, no! Eric, you know something buddy, do you want to play with your new pen toy?
Donald Trump Jr.: Got this at Fao Schwartz, right? Yeah. The bottom line, Colin—Look, you know how this works. You put things in it like—Oh, yeah! Oh, no. Look, I’m going to talk to Colin right now, okay? Look, Colin, I’ll make this simple. All the lies, witch hunts and impeachments inquiries in the world won’t help the dems’ chances in this 2020 election. The Trumps are here to stay. And now the message for the dems, do we look like people who lose?[Cut to Colin Jost, Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]
Colin Jost: No comment. The Trump brothers, everyone.
Eric: I disappeared!
Donald Trump Jr.: Thank you, thank you.