Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 4


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07d: Brian Williams / Feist

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

.....Amy Poehler
.....Seth Meyers
Barbara Birmingham.....Kenan Thompson
Roger A. Trivanti.....Fred Armisen

Announcer: "Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers."

Seth Meyers: I'm Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I'm Amy Poehler and here are tonight's top stories.

Pat Philbin, the man who staged a fake FEMA news conference on the California wildfires this week, has lost his promotion because of the event, which begs the question, "What does it take to actually get fired from FEMA?"

Before announcing her retirement on Thursday, Martina Hingis revealed she had been accused for testing positive for cocaine at Wimbledon, but denied having ever used it. Though after she left, the officials did notice the baseline was missing.

Seth Meyers: During the democratic debate Tuesday night, Senator Joe Biden criticized presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani, saying "There's only 3 things he mentions in a sentence: A noun, a verb, and 9/11." Giuliani later responded, saying, "Joe Biden sucks 9/11."

Hillary Clinton, on Thursday, visited Wellesley College and told students that "This all-womens' college prepared me to compete in the all-boys club of presidential politics." Although, she said afterwards, it was hard to speak at a school that was so pro-bush.

Amy Poehler: After reaching an impasse during contract negotiations with the Alliance In Motion Pictures and Television Producers this week, the Writers Guild of America has announced their intention to go on strike this Monday. Here with some insight on the strike and it's larger effect with the entertainment industry, is studio head Roger A. Trivanti.

[Roger A. Trivanti scoots over]

Roger A. Trivanti: Well, thank you, Amy, now allow me to begin by saying we producers consider you writers one of our most highly regarded assits, and one of our most highly rewarded! Working writers, on average, earn over two hundred thousand dollars a year. So, you can see why we have problems when you cry poverty, and go on strike.

Amy Poehler: Okay, well, how much does the average studio head make a year?

Roger A. Trivanti: Barely 12 million. More if you get fired. And, while that seems like-- It seems like a lot of money, but it's not! You know, back in the day, studio heads were given a house full of money, and when that money was gone, you got a new money house until the day you died, but DVDs on the internet have put an end to all that. You know how much it takes to make a DVD? 60 cents. You know how much we charge? 29 dollars! And the writers now want a piece of the profit. What profit?!? You know, we asked our accountants to figure out what 29 dollars minus 60 cents is, and you know what they came up with?

Amy Poehler: $28.40?

Roger A. Trivanti: Negative 13 dollars. And, I tell you, it's even worse on the internet. You know, we just post movies and television shows for free!

Amy Poehler: Yeah, but don't you collect ad revenues from websites?

Roger A. Trivanti: Amy! How many times do I have to explain this? It's not like saying, "Uh, does a magazine collect revenues for putting ads on a magazine? It's, uh, it's, uh, it's uh... [chuckles] It's irrelevant! You know, and no one's making any money, Amy! No one! And, if we were, the writers would be the first ones to get a check!

Amy Poehler: Yeah, okay, I see.

Roger A. Trivanti: Do you? Do you see, Amy? Because, maybe going on strike, and not getting paid looks pretty good from the top of 200,000 dollars, but you know what? I don't have 200,000 dollars! I wish I had 200,000 dollars, but I don't! I only have 20 million dollars! And now, this strike is going to require some serious belt tightening on my part. I'm going to have to go from a private jet, I'm going to have to fly on first class! Like a monkey! What else? No more insulating the pool house gold bars, thank you very much! And finally, you know, my son, with a tooth, he's only going to get a quarter, instead of a night with a hooker.

[As audience gives a groan of laughter and suprise, Roger gives them a surprised confused look right back at them]

Roger A. Trivanti: I'm going to say something, and I mean this. I hope you writers get ass cancer and die!

Amy Poehler: Wow! Roger A. Trivanti, everyone! Roger A. Trivanti! That's what we have to deal with! Yup, that's right.

Seth Meyers: Singapore Airlines, the first operating of the new Air bus 380, has asked its passengers on the world's biggest jumbo jet to refrain from sex in one of its 12 first-class suites which have double beds. Said the passengers, "No."

J.K. Rowling, the author of the Harry Potter books, revealed last week that the Hogwarts headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, is gay. What's worse? He has hogwarts.

Amy Poehler: Applebee's shareholders have voted to approve the new one billion dollar budget purchase of IHop restaurants. The deal was celebrated at neither an Applebee's nor an IHop.

A Seattle federal grand jury is instigating allegations by a model, saying that she was raped, assaulted, and threatened by magician David Copperfield at his private island in the Bahamas. When asked for comment, Copperfield said, "Yes, I raped her. Yes, I assaulted her. Yes, I threatened her. But, more importantly, is this your card?" [Amy holds up a poker card]

Seth Meyers: Alex Rodriguez announced Sunday, he would opt out of his contract with the Yankees to become a free agent. He'd be a perfect fit for teams to burn, but hate winning.

A woman in Minnesota wants to file abuse charges against a friend who was pet sitting her pot-belly pig, and allowed the animal to get fat. I'm no legal expert, but here's how the case will go, "What kind of pig? Case dismissed!"

Amy Poehler: The Missouri highway patrol has been testing a new scanning device that can detect the presence of meth with only the click of a button. It's called a flashlight.

Author, Aubrey De Grey, has published a new book, called "Ending Aging", in which he feels means aging is a disease that can one day be cured. Now, before you dismiss this guy as a nut job, this is De Grey.

[a picture of a baby smoking a pipe pops up. Amy kisses it]

Seth Meyers: It was reported that because of the success of the Disney cartoon, "Ratatouille", the demand for rats as pets has soared. This according to one guy on Avenue Lane, who tried to sell me a rat.

It appears that Ashley Olsen has become romantically involved with Lance Armstrong. They have even been seen riding around the city on a bike built for one and a quarter.

Amy Poehler: Halloween was this past Wednesday. Here now with a commentary on this year's festivities, is our favorite Update nanny, Barbara Birmingham.

Barbara Birmingham: Mhm. That's what I'm talking about. That's right. Wooh! Amy. The... other one. Halloween is a chance for thousands of kids to dress up in something fun! Unfortunately, the most popular costume for young ladies was apparently that of a whore. It ain't Little Bo Peep. It's Little Ho Creep down at 5th Avenue. The other night, a girl came by my house dressed as a nurse with her blussums exposed. I told her, "Don't you be defaming nurses! Nurses are heroes! I had one of them take good care of me, when my sugarbetes flaired up. And you know, if it wasn't for nurses, Barbara Birmingham might only have one foot!

[Puts cigarette in her mouth, then takes a dramatic pause, and then puffs the smoke out of her nose]

Barbara Birmingham: Now, uh, freedom of expression is one thing, but kids are pushing it too far. You don't know how lucky you are! Why, when I was growing up, the only costumes we had was milkmen, and slaves!

Seth Meyers: I don't think that's a costume.

[Barbara Birmingham jumps up on the Weekend Update desk, going after Seth]

Barbara Birmingham: Hey! What the hell!

[Barbara Birmingham slowly returns to her seat]

Barbara Birmingham: You don't know me like that, Meyers... You don't know me like that.

Amy Poehler: Alright, Barbara. Calm down. Calm down.

Barbara Birmingham: Continuing! Here is an example of kids that I see today!

[Barbara picks up a Barbie doll]

Barbara Birmingham: Mm.. Mm.. Mm.. It's a shame. Listen to me baby, if you keep this up, nothing is going to end up in that little candy bag, except for problems and last night's panties! [Has Barbie turn to the camera, as she sings the tune of Amy Winehouse's "Rehab"] "It's time for you to go to rehab, 'cuz you're a ho, ho, ho." Now, parents, if you want more advice on raising your children the right way, buy my book, "Daddy's Little Whore: A Damn Shame" by Barbara Birmingham. It's available only at Gimbels.

Seth Meyers: Um, Gimbels closed in 1997.

[Barbara jumps on the Update desk, once more]

Barbara Birmingham: What?!? I'm going to get you!

[Barbara gets back off]

Barbara Birmingham: Give it to me!

Amy Poehler: Thank you, Barbara Birmingham, everyone! Are you alright? Whoa. But, she's great with kids... she's great with kids.

Seth Meyers: [breaking off cue cards] She actually got my tie. Barbara Birmingham is... WAY faster than she looks! [tries fixing his tie] She undid the top button!

Amy Poehler: Let me see. [She slants the tie loose and to the left]

Seth Meyers: Alright, there we go. [does a drunken voice] Good evening. [Follows back on cue cards]

A hunter in Iowa is recovering after he was shot at close range by his dog. One witness says he's never heard a dog laugh so hard.

British grandmother, Peggy Mcalpine, celebrated her hundredth birthday, this week, by becoming the world's oldest paraglider. Though, she would have preferred to have done it voluntarily.

[News photo reveals Peggy being thrown out the plane by men, as Seth laughs in shame]

Amy Poehler: To help produce the number of pigeons in the Staten Island fairy terminal, the councilman is proposing feeding the birds birth control pills. This after having no luck with the abstinence pamphlets.

An 84-foot Norway spruce from Shelton, Connecticut, has been selected to be this year's Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree/bum urinal.

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: I'm Amy Poehler! Goodnight!


Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin


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