Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Mysteries in Medicine

Written by: Dan Aykroyd

Narrator ... Dan Aykroyd
Violet Elmweather ... Jane Curtin
Dr. Cone ... Steve Martin
Hector ... Michael O'Donoghue
Ernie ... Alan Zweibel
Blog ... John Belushi
Midge ... Laraine Newman

[Doctor's office. Dr. Cone sits at his desk talking with patient Violet Elmweather. Behind Dr. Cone is a small television set with a blue screen.]

Narrator V/O: This is the office of Dr. Paul Cone. Dr. Cone's research in the field of nutrition and digestive studies have led him to the perfection of a remarkable weight reduction program. Our subject tonight on ... [dramatic music] Mysteries in Medicine! [SUPER: MYSTERIES IN MEDICINE] Professional diet clinics: Right or Rip-Off?

Violet Elmweather: I - I've almost given up hope. I - I-- If only I could lose five pounds, I'd be happy. I've tried every diet program there is. The Nine Day Paper and Water Diet, the Lovecrest Nylon Diet. I even gained ten pounds last week eating nothing but dried camel hearts.

Dr. Cone: Okay, Mrs. Elmweather, it's simple. Um, none of these conventional diets work for you. You want to lose weight, you have to find the right diet. I'm going to put you on an extreme weight reduction program. The Unizoid Wonder Diet with Blog treatments.

Violet Elmweather: What are Blog treatments?

Dr. Cone: Blog treatments are part of the most rigid diet schedule in medical history. It's a three year program.

Violet Elmweather: When can I start?

Dr. Cone: Are you ready to travel?

Violet Elmweather: Travel? I didn't--

Dr. Cone: [into an intercom] Hector! Ernie! [Hector and Ernie, wearing airline pilot uniforms, enter] Blog Diet, Phase One.

Hector: Right.

[Hector grabs Violet, covers her mouth and hauls her out of her chair. Ernie moves the chair out of the way and opens a door at stage right.]

Dr. Cone: [to the camera] Commitment, trust and discipline. These are the keynotes to dropping those pounds.

[Hector and Ernie exit with Violet. Dissolve to stock footage of airplanes in wintry settings. Eerie music in. SUPER: SIMULATED AIRPLANE VOYAGE - Cut to footage of three figures on a dog sled crossing a frozen tundra. SUPER: SIMULATED DOG SLED TREK - Cut to a map of Canada and the Arctic with animated arrows heading northward. Dissolve to the interior of an ice fishing hut -- it's a wooden hut built right on the ice -- there's a small hole in the ice floor through which one may fish. SUPER: AN ICE-FISHING HUT. The door opens, snow blows in, and Hector carries Violet into the hut and sets her on a barrel.]

Hector: The Blog treatments will commence shortly.

[Hector exits immediately and we see that the snow is being blown into the hut by a fan just outside the door.]

Violet Elmweather: Thank you. This is not really what I asked for--

[An Eskimo, wearing goggles and hooded parka, enters, grunting loudly.]

Blog: Hey! Me Blog! You fish! [hands Violet a spear] You catch! You eat! Me Blog! Catch! Haaaaaa! [exits]

Violet Elmweather: This isn't really what I - I expected. I didn't think--

[Midge -- a thin, friendly American woman carrying a bag -- enters and sits on a stool.]

Midge: Hi! Are you dieting?

Violet Elmweather: Yes. My name is Violet.

Midge: [shakes hands] Oh, I'm Midge. I've been here for two years now. I used to weigh one-eighty. I was rotund. Now I weigh fifty. I wanna weigh ten. [takes meat from bag and offers some to Violet] Here, have some raw seal meat, Violet.

Violet Elmweather: Oh, no thanks--

[Abruptly, Blog enters and sees the meat.]

Blog: Ooohhhh! Food! Blog eat now! Blog eat! [takes meat away from Midge and, eating it, quickly exits]

Violet Elmweather: What do we eat on this diet?

Midge: Oh, whatever we manage to catch and hide from Blog.

Violet Elmweather: So what do you do on weekends?

Midge: Oh, well, uh, I diet. And I repack signal flares. [points to the hole in the ice] Look! A char!

Violet Elmweather: A what?

Midge: [rises, excited] An Arctic char! It's a fish and it tastes great!

Violet Elmweather: Well, I'll just catch that char and eat it now--

Midge: Oh, no, no, no! I saw that char first. That's my char.

Violet Elmweather: Uh, that's my char. Sorry, I haven't eaten in two days.

Midge: No, dear, I haven't eaten in two years!

Violet Elmweather: Well, I'm sorry, that's my char!

[The two women fight, kicking and screaming on the ice floor. Dissolve to the TV set in Dr. Cone's office. The two women are visible on the blue screen, fighting. We pull back to reveal Dr. Cone watching the TV. He turns to address the camera.]

Dr. Cone: This is Phase Two of the diet. The char fight. The subjects release tension and try to figure out new ways of hiding the food they catch from Blog.

[Pull back more to reveal Blog, carrying a pen and clipboard.]

Blog: Of course, Blog knows immediately when the dieters have procured food because he's always watching them, uh, via closed-circuit cameras. [lifts his hood and goggles, puts a pipe in his mouth and lights it]

Dr. Cone: [to the camera] This is Dr. Mike Blog, our top researcher -- Blog Diet, Chief of Diet Research, a brilliant digestive scientist.

Blog: [to Dr. Cone] Thank you very much. [looks at TV] Oh, excuse me. I think they're fighting over the char. I'll have to take it away from 'em. [sets down pen and clipboard]

Dr. Cone: Okay, Mike.

Blog: Take care.

[Blog exits. Dr. Cone smiles into the camera. Dissolve to the hut where the women hear Blog approaching. They stop, rise and move to a wall where they try to hide the food. Blog, wearing goggles and hood, enters brusquely.]

Blog: Aaaaah! Ooooh! Char?

Midge: No char, Blog! No char!

[But Blog takes the char away from them, drops to his knees and starts to eat it. The women jump on him and try to take the char back. As they fight, we pull back to a wider view of the set, revealing that the hut is right next to Dr. Cone's office. Studio lights hang overhead.]

Narrator V/O: Yes, a diet where food is hunted and hidden from a nutritionist posing as an Eskimo in the simulated environment of a secluded ice fishing hut. Only one of the many ... [dramatic music] Mysteries in Medicine!

[SUPER: MYSTERIES IN MEDICINE - Dissolve to an even wider view of the set, cameras, lights and microphones as seen over the heads of the applauding audience in the balcony.]

[full dissolve to overhead audience shot, with SUPER: "Coming Up Next... An Apology For What Came Up Last"]

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