76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman
Mysteries in Medicine
Written by: Dan Aykroyd
Narrator ... Dan Aykroyd
Violet Elmweather ... Jane Curtin
Dr. Cone ... Steve Martin
Hector ... Michael O'Donoghue
Ernie ... Alan Zweibel
Blog ... John Belushi
Midge ... Laraine Newman
[Doctor's office. Dr. Cone sits at his desk talking
with patient Violet Elmweather. Behind Dr. Cone is a
small television set with a blue screen.]
Narrator V/O: This is the office of Dr. Paul Cone. Dr.
Cone's research in the field of nutrition and
digestive studies have led him to the perfection of a
remarkable weight reduction program. Our subject
tonight on ... [dramatic music] Mysteries in Medicine!
[SUPER: MYSTERIES IN MEDICINE] Professional diet
clinics: Right or Rip-Off?
Violet Elmweather: I - I've almost given up hope. I -
I-- If only I could lose five pounds, I'd be happy.
I've tried every diet program there is. The Nine Day
Paper and Water Diet, the Lovecrest Nylon Diet. I even
gained ten pounds last week eating nothing but dried
Dr. Cone: Okay, Mrs. Elmweather, it's simple. Um, none
of these conventional diets work for you. You want to
lose weight, you have to find the right diet. I'm
going to put you on an extreme weight reduction
program. The Unizoid Wonder Diet with Blog treatments.
Violet Elmweather: What are Blog treatments?
Dr. Cone: Blog treatments are part of the most rigid
diet schedule in medical history. It's a three year
Violet Elmweather: When can I start?
Dr. Cone: Are you ready to travel?
Violet Elmweather: Travel? I didn't--
Dr. Cone: [into an intercom] Hector! Ernie! [Hector
and Ernie, wearing airline pilot uniforms, enter] Blog
Diet, Phase One.
[Hector grabs Violet, covers her mouth and hauls her
out of her chair. Ernie moves the chair out of the way
and opens a door at stage right.]
Dr. Cone: [to the camera] Commitment, trust and
discipline. These are the keynotes to dropping those
[Hector and Ernie exit with Violet. Dissolve to stock
footage of airplanes in wintry settings. Eerie music
in. SUPER: SIMULATED AIRPLANE VOYAGE - Cut to footage
of three figures on a dog sled crossing a frozen
tundra. SUPER: SIMULATED DOG SLED TREK - Cut to a map
of Canada and the Arctic with animated arrows heading
northward. Dissolve to the interior of an ice fishing
hut -- it's a wooden hut built right on the ice --
there's a small hole in the ice floor through which
one may fish. SUPER: AN ICE-FISHING HUT. The door
opens, snow blows in, and Hector carries Violet into
the hut and sets her on a barrel.]
Hector: The Blog treatments will commence shortly.
[Hector exits immediately and we see that the snow is
being blown into the hut by a fan just outside the
Violet Elmweather: Thank you. This is not really what
I asked for--
[An Eskimo, wearing goggles and hooded parka, enters,
Blog: Hey! Me Blog! You fish! [hands Violet a spear]
You catch! You eat! Me Blog! Catch! Haaaaaa! [exits]
Violet Elmweather: This isn't really what I - I
expected. I didn't think--
[Midge -- a thin, friendly American woman carrying a
bag -- enters and sits on a stool.]
Midge: Hi! Are you dieting?
Violet Elmweather: Yes. My name is Violet.
Midge: [shakes hands] Oh, I'm Midge. I've been here
for two years now. I used to weigh one-eighty. I was
rotund. Now I weigh fifty. I wanna weigh ten. [takes
meat from bag and offers some to Violet] Here, have
some raw seal meat, Violet.
Violet Elmweather: Oh, no thanks--
[Abruptly, Blog enters and sees the meat.]
Blog: Ooohhhh! Food! Blog eat now! Blog eat! [takes
meat away from Midge and, eating it, quickly exits]
Violet Elmweather: What do we eat on this diet?
Midge: Oh, whatever we manage to catch and hide from
Violet Elmweather: So what do you do on weekends?
Midge: Oh, well, uh, I diet. And I repack signal
flares. [points to the hole in the ice] Look! A char!
Violet Elmweather: A what?
Midge: [rises, excited] An Arctic char! It's a fish
and it tastes great!
Violet Elmweather: Well, I'll just catch that char and
eat it now--
Midge: Oh, no, no, no! I saw that char first. That's
Violet Elmweather: Uh, that's my char. Sorry, I
haven't eaten in two days.
Midge: No, dear, I haven't eaten in two years!
Violet Elmweather: Well, I'm sorry, that's my char!
[The two women fight, kicking and screaming on the ice
floor. Dissolve to the TV set in Dr. Cone's office.
The two women are visible on the blue screen,
fighting. We pull back to reveal Dr. Cone watching the
TV. He turns to address the camera.]
Dr. Cone: This is Phase Two of the diet. The char
fight. The subjects release tension and try to figure
out new ways of hiding the food they catch from Blog.
[Pull back more to reveal Blog, carrying a pen and
Blog: Of course, Blog knows immediately when the
dieters have procured food because he's always
watching them, uh, via closed-circuit cameras. [lifts
his hood and goggles, puts a pipe in his mouth and
Dr. Cone: [to the camera] This is Dr. Mike Blog, our
top researcher -- Blog Diet, Chief of Diet Research, a
brilliant digestive scientist.
Blog: [to Dr. Cone] Thank you very much. [looks at TV]
Oh, excuse me. I think they're fighting over the char.
I'll have to take it away from 'em. [sets down pen and
Dr. Cone: Okay, Mike.
Blog: Take care.
[Blog exits. Dr. Cone smiles into the camera. Dissolve
to the hut where the women hear Blog approaching. They
stop, rise and move to a wall where they try to hide
the food. Blog, wearing goggles and hood, enters
Blog: Aaaaah! Ooooh! Char?
Midge: No char, Blog! No char!
[But Blog takes the char away from them, drops to his
knees and starts to eat it. The women jump on him and
try to take the char back. As they fight, we pull back
to a wider view of the set, revealing that the hut is
right next to Dr. Cone's office. Studio lights hang
Narrator V/O: Yes, a diet where food is hunted and
hidden from a nutritionist posing as an Eskimo in the
simulated environment of a secluded ice fishing hut.
Only one of the many ... [dramatic music] Mysteries in
[SUPER: MYSTERIES IN MEDICINE - Dissolve to an even
wider view of the set, cameras, lights and microphones
as seen over the heads of the applauding audience in
[full dissolve to overhead audience shot, with SUPER: "Coming Up Next... An Apology For What Came Up Last"]