SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 10/23/76: Mysteries in Medicine


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Mysteries in Medicine

Written by: Dan Aykroyd

Narrator … Dan Aykroyd
Violet Elmweather … Jane Curtin
Dr. Cone … Steve Martin
Hector … Michael O’Donoghue
Ernie … Alan Zweibel
Blog … John Belushi
Midge … Laraine Newman

[Doctor’s office. Dr. Cone sits at his desk talkingwith patient Violet Elmweather. Behind Dr. Cone is asmall television set with a blue screen.]

Narrator V/O: This is the office of Dr. Paul Cone. Dr.Cone’s research in the field of nutrition anddigestive studies have led him to the perfection of aremarkable weight reduction program. Our subjecttonight on … [dramatic music] Mysteries in Medicine![SUPER: MYSTERIES IN MEDICINE] Professional dietclinics: Right or Rip-Off?

Violet Elmweather: I – I’ve almost given up hope. I -I– If only I could lose five pounds, I’d be happy.I’ve tried every diet program there is. The Nine DayPaper and Water Diet, the Lovecrest Nylon Diet. I evengained ten pounds last week eating nothing but driedcamel hearts.

Dr. Cone: Okay, Mrs. Elmweather, it’s simple. Um, noneof these conventional diets work for you. You want tolose weight, you have to find the right diet. I’mgoing to put you on an extreme weight reductionprogram. The Unizoid Wonder Diet with Blog treatments.

Violet Elmweather: What are Blog treatments?

Dr. Cone: Blog treatments are part of the most rigiddiet schedule in medical history. It’s a three yearprogram.

Violet Elmweather: When can I start?

Dr. Cone: Are you ready to travel?

Violet Elmweather: Travel? I didn’t–

Dr. Cone: [into an intercom] Hector! Ernie! [Hectorand Ernie, wearing airline pilot uniforms, enter] BlogDiet, Phase One.

Hector: Right.

[Hector grabs Violet, covers her mouth and hauls herout of her chair. Ernie moves the chair out of the wayand opens a door at stage right.]

Dr. Cone: [to the camera] Commitment, trust anddiscipline. These are the keynotes to dropping thosepounds.

[Hector and Ernie exit with Violet. Dissolve to stockfootage of airplanes in wintry settings. Eerie musicin. SUPER: SIMULATED AIRPLANE VOYAGE – Cut to footageof three figures on a dog sled crossing a frozentundra. SUPER: SIMULATED DOG SLED TREK – Cut to a mapof Canada and the Arctic with animated arrows headingnorthward. Dissolve to the interior of an ice fishinghut — it’s a wooden hut built right on the ice –there’s a small hole in the ice floor through whichone may fish. SUPER: AN ICE-FISHING HUT. The dooropens, snow blows in, and Hector carries Violet intothe hut and sets her on a barrel.]

Hector: The Blog treatments will commence shortly.

[Hector exits immediately and we see that the snow isbeing blown into the hut by a fan just outside thedoor.]

Violet Elmweather: Thank you. This is not really whatI asked for–

[An Eskimo, wearing goggles and hooded parka, enters,grunting loudly.]

Blog: Hey! Me Blog! You fish! [hands Violet a spear]You catch! You eat! Me Blog! Catch! Haaaaaa! [exits]

Violet Elmweather: This isn’t really what I – Iexpected. I didn’t think–

[Midge — a thin, friendly American woman carrying abag — enters and sits on a stool.]

Midge: Hi! Are you dieting?

Violet Elmweather: Yes. My name is Violet.

Midge: [shakes hands] Oh, I’m Midge. I’ve been herefor two years now. I used to weigh one-eighty. I wasrotund. Now I weigh fifty. I wanna weigh ten. [takesmeat from bag and offers some to Violet] Here, havesome raw seal meat, Violet.

Violet Elmweather: Oh, no thanks–

[Abruptly, Blog enters and sees the meat.]

Blog: Ooohhhh! Food! Blog eat now! Blog eat! [takesmeat away from Midge and, eating it, quickly exits]

Violet Elmweather: What do we eat on this diet?

Midge: Oh, whatever we manage to catch and hide fromBlog.

Violet Elmweather: So what do you do on weekends?

Midge: Oh, well, uh, I diet. And I repack signalflares. [points to the hole in the ice] Look! A char!

Violet Elmweather: A what?

Midge: [rises, excited] An Arctic char! It’s a fishand it tastes great!

Violet Elmweather: Well, I’ll just catch that char andeat it now–

Midge: Oh, no, no, no! I saw that char first. That’smy char.

Violet Elmweather: Uh, that’s my char. Sorry, Ihaven’t eaten in two days.

Midge: No, dear, I haven’t eaten in two years!

Violet Elmweather: Well, I’m sorry, that’s my char!

[The two women fight, kicking and screaming on the icefloor. Dissolve to the TV set in Dr. Cone’s office.The two women are visible on the blue screen,fighting. We pull back to reveal Dr. Cone watching theTV. He turns to address the camera.]

Dr. Cone: This is Phase Two of the diet. The charfight. The subjects release tension and try to figureout new ways of hiding the food they catch from Blog.

[Pull back more to reveal Blog, carrying a pen andclipboard.]

Blog: Of course, Blog knows immediately when thedieters have procured food because he’s alwayswatching them, uh, via closed-circuit cameras. [liftshis hood and goggles, puts a pipe in his mouth andlights it]

Dr. Cone: [to the camera] This is Dr. Mike Blog, ourtop researcher — Blog Diet, Chief of Diet Research, abrilliant digestive scientist.

Blog: [to Dr. Cone] Thank you very much. [looks at TV]Oh, excuse me. I think they’re fighting over the char.I’ll have to take it away from ’em. [sets down pen andclipboard]

Dr. Cone: Okay, Mike.

Blog: Take care.

[Blog exits. Dr. Cone smiles into the camera. Dissolveto the hut where the women hear Blog approaching. Theystop, rise and move to a wall where they try to hidethe food. Blog, wearing goggles and hood, entersbrusquely.]

Blog: Aaaaah! Ooooh! Char?

Midge: No char, Blog! No char!

[But Blog takes the char away from them, drops to hisknees and starts to eat it. The women jump on him andtry to take the char back. As they fight, we pull backto a wider view of the set, revealing that the hut isright next to Dr. Cone’s office. Studio lights hangoverhead.]

Narrator V/O: Yes, a diet where food is hunted andhidden from a nutritionist posing as an Eskimo in thesimulated environment of a secluded ice fishing hut.Only one of the many … [dramatic music] Mysteries inMedicine!

[SUPER: MYSTERIES IN MEDICINE – Dissolve to an evenwider view of the set, cameras, lights and microphonesas seen over the heads of the applauding audience inthe balcony.] [full dissolve to overhead audience shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… An Apology For What Came Up Last”]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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