Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 21
76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading
Night of the Moonies
Deprogrammer 1 …..Dan Aykroyd
Deprogrammer 2…..Garrett Morris
Moonie…..Shelley DuvallSun Myung Moon…..John Belushi
Wife…..Laraine Newman
Other Moonies…..Anne Beatts, Tom Davis, Jim Downey, Mitchell Laurance, Tom Schiller, Rosie Shuster, Alan Zweibel
Sheriff…..Bill Murray
Deprogrammer 1: Led Zeppelin! Led Zeppelin! Led Zeppelin! LED ZEPPELIN!!
[ they rise to speak privately ]Deprogrammer 1: Man, I say we give up on this Moonie! She’s not gonna crack!
Deprogrammer 2: Yes, she WILL!! Now, I have — look, I have deprogrammed TOUGHER kids than this one! Now, look — come on!
Deprogrammer 1: [ sighing ] It’s been five days!
Deprogrammer 2: [ to the moonie ] Look… don’t you want all of this to end? Huh? Just renounce that Sun Myung Moon character… and you can go back home to your parents!
Moonie: [ in a monotone ] The Unification Church is my family. I don’t like my parents.
Deprogrammer 1: [ he sighs ] How ’bout your dog? Don’t you want to go see your dog?
Moonie: I don’t have a dog.
Deprogrammer 1: Do you have a cat?
Moonie: I don’t have a cat.
Deprogrammer 1: Well, we’ll buy you a cat! [ cutesy ] A little kitten! Yuo can call it “Booooots”, or “Whiskers”, or “Muffin”, or ANYTHING YOU LIKE!!!
Deprogrammer 2: Shhhh…
Moonie: I don’t like animals.
Deprogrammer 2: Look — you can catch up on TV! Now, I bet you haven’t seen the new Fall shows!
Deprogrammer 1: Rhoda got divorced, you know. It’s, uh — everything’s changed.
Deprogrammer 2: Of course, you missed Mary’s last show, you know, uh — but… I’m sure they’ll probably rerun it.
Moonie: Television is the Devil’s paintbrush. I don’t like television.
Deprogrammer 1: I’m gonna put on that Mamas & Papas album one more time, see what happens.
[ a knock at the door ]Deprogrammer 1: There’s the kid from Burger King.
Moonie: I don’t like Burger King. Burgers are the Devil’s scouring pads.
Deprogrammer 1: Well, don’t worry — we got you a Whaler with cheese.
[ he answers the door, but it’s Sun Myung Moon on the other side ]Deprogrammer 1: Oh, no!!
Sun Myung Moon: Good ev-e-ning! I am the Reverand Sun Myung Moon, leader of the Moo-nies!
[ music sting ] [ title card: “Night of the Moonies” ]Sun Myung Moon: We have come… for… the girl!
Deprogrammer 1: This kid’s going BACK to her family!!
Sun Myung Moon: Whyyyy do you resist us? It is so much more preseant to surrender and become one of us. Submit to the uneffortable, free yourself of human emotion. Want to come to our bicentennial rally?
Deprogrammer 1: You’re crazy!! You think I’m gonna join your gang of zombies?! You must be NUTS!!
Sun Myung Moon: Noooo?? Perhaps your wife will be able to change your mind, Round Eyes!
[ Moon leads Deprogrammer 1’s zombified wife through the door ]Deprogrammer 1: [ alarmed ] It IS my wife! Honey!
Deprogrammer 2: [ examines her listless face ] She’s not your wife any more, man. She’s a moonie!
Wife: Why struggle, dear? Give in. I’ve sold the house and car and all your possessions, and given the money to Reverand Moon.
Deprogrammer 1: [ he gasps ] NO!! NO!!
Wife: Your shirts, your slacks, your ties, your power tools…
Deprogrammer 1: My power tools?!!
Wife: Your beer can collection, your monogrammed golf clubs, your RCA home entertainment center, your electric wok.
Deprogrammer 1: Oh, how could you do it, honey?!
Wife: They’re all gone…
Sun Myung Moon: [ sinisterly ] We will keep… the electric wok!
Deprogrammer 2: Don’t!! Don’t listen to ’em!! [ he turns and shoves Moon and Deprogrammer 1’s wife out the door ] Get out of here!! Get out of here!! [ to Deprogrammer 1 ] Look, we can’t save her now! [ continues shoving Moon out the door ] Get out!! [ he slams the door ] Now, come on, you’ve GOT to help me!! They’re gonna probably try to get in now!!
Deprogrammer 1: Yeah, right!
Deprogrammer 2: Help me block this door!!
[ they push furniture in front of the door, as other moonies begin to smash in the window ]Deprogrammer 2: Now, get over there to the window — here they come, here they come!!
[ the moonies try to push their literature through the empty panes, as Deprogrammer 1 begins to hammer boards over the window ]Deprogrammer 1: Get away!! Get out of here!!
Voice of a Moonie: How are you? Would you like to buy a flower and help the Reverand Moon?
Deprogrammer 2: NO!! I’m not interested!!
Voice of a Moonie: Have a nice day!
Deprogrammer 1: They’re all over the place!!
Deprogrammer 2: I KNOW THAT!!
Voice of a Moonie: Would you like to make a donation..?
Deprogrammer 1: A quarter? [ he takes a brochure from one of the moonies and begins to read it ]
Deprogrammer 2: I don’t know HOW long — I don’t know how long we cna hold out! I don’t even know how many of them there are! They could have HUNDREDS of brochures, man. They might even have a sound truck! [ he turns and notices the brochure in Deprogrammer 1’s hand ] Hey, what’s that you’re reading there? Hey, man! Look! Listen, man!! [ he tears the brochure away and shoves Deprogrammer 1 down onto a bed ] Do you want to end up like one of those goons out there?!!
Deprogrammer 1: NO, NO!!
Deprogrammer 2: Stop reading that stuff!! You understand?!!
Deprogrammer 1: NO!! NO…!!
[ Deprogrammer 1 rises slowly, his eyes now darkened circles ]Deprogrammer 1: [ in a monotone ] I am one of them now. It is really pleasant. [ to Deprogrammer 2 ] Hello! How are you? Are you busy right now? Can I walk with you just a little bit? You’re probably on your way to work. It’s Gentlemen’s Day today! It’s Gentlemen’s Day today! Why don’t you come with me just now..?
[ Deprogrammer 1 rises, as Deprogrammer 2 inches away toward the front door ]Deprogrammer 2: You — you can stay here, man, I’m getting the hell out of here!
[ Deprogrammer 2 frantically pulls the furniture away from the front door and thrusts it open. Sun Myung Moon and some of the other moonies proceed to re-enter. ]Sun Myung Moon: It’s time for you to join us! Here is your button!
Deprogrammer 2: NOOOOO!!!! NOOOOO!!!!
Deprogrammer 1: [ as he unties the rope around the first Moonie’s ] Hi! How are you? May I interest you in some literature? If you’d care to make a small donation…
Deprogrammer 2: NOOOOO!!!! NOOOOO!!!!
[ unnoticed by anyone, the Sheriff enters the motel room ]Sheriff: Yeah, Chief, there’s a whole lot of those moonies here! Yeah, okay! Check!
[ the Sheriff proceeds to shoot each moonie one at a time, firing nine shots. Various moonies shout “Have a nice day!” before being shot. At last, the Sheriff shoots and kills Sun Myung Moon. ]Deprogrammer 2: Thank God! Thank God, man! Thank God you came here!
Sheriff: Yeah, Chief? Okay, I’m gonna head down to that corner, there’s an ol’ rat’s nest in here, I got one more moonie to kill!
Deprogrammer 2: Oh, no, man! I’m not a moonie!
Sheriff: Alright!
Deprogrammer 2: I’m not — I’m not a moonie!
[ the Sheriff fires two shots at Deprogrammer 2 ]Sheriff: Yeah, that really is a tragedy about San Diego. They never had proper law enforcement techniques down there, anyway. [ he chuckles ] Alright!
[ the Sheriff exits the motel room, leaving dead bodies everywhere as “The End” creeps onscreen ] [ close-up, as the original moonie rises from the floor and smiles toward the camera ]Moonie: Hello! How are you? Have you heard about the Unification Church? Do you mind if we talk for a while?
[ pull out to in-color studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… The Loud Family Discuss the Concorde SST” ] [ fade ]