Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 8

77h: Miskel Spillman / Elvis Costello

Drunken Santa

Santa ... Bill Murray
Girl ... Gilda Radner

[A little girl sits on a department store Santa's lap. Santa laughs.]

Girl: Mr. Santa?

Santa: Yes, my dear?

Girl: For Christmas, could I have a Busy Brenda Mystery Action Vacuum Cleaner Doll?

Santa: Nope. Sorry.

Girl: Well, Mr. Santa, could I please have the battery-operated Dog Family?

Santa: Noooo.

Girl: Well, could I please have a Flexy the Pocket Monkey?

Santa: No, you may not have a Flexy the Pocket Monkey!

Girl: Mr. Santa, could I have a Ready Ranger Field Set?

Santa: Nope, no Field Set. But, you know, I'll tell ya, there's something I WILL give you. Santa's Trap Door! Ha! [Santa spreads his legs and the girl tumbles to the floor] Whoa! One of Santa's oldest bits! And he loves it!

Girl: [climbs back into Santa's lap] Mister--

Santa: You fell for it, stupid! What else don't you want?

Girl: Well--

Santa: Or want - want and just can't have!

Girl: Mr. Santa, could I please have some Clay-Doh?

Santa: Oh ho, you want Clay-Doh?

Girl: Yeah.

Santa: Isn't that adorable?

Girl: Yes! I just want, uh, some Clay-Doh so I can take it and build my parents a summer house.

Santa: Enough Clay-Doh to build a summer house ...

Girl: Yeah.

Santa: ... for your parents?

Girl: Yeah.

Santa: Well, since that is an awful lot of Clay-Doh -- and because you want it so much -- I'll just have to say ... NO! HA! I love it!

Girl: Mr. Santa, then, could I please have a set of Pez? They don't cost very much and they're very, very tiny, and sometimes they're even free.

Santa: Well, that's not a very big request for Christmas and since that's all you want -- YOU CAN'T HAVE IT! OHHH! Santa's really getting off on this! HA! Look, there is something--

Girl: Why not?

Santa: No, honey, there is something I do want to give you.

Girl: What's that?

Santa: SANTA'S TRAP DOOR AGAIN!!! I LOVE IT! [Santa spreads his legs and the girl tumbles to the floor] OH! SANTA'S REALLY GETTING IT OFF! [takes a bottle from his pocket]

Girl: [climbs back into Santa's lap] Mr. Santa! [off the bottle] What's this, Mr. Santa?

Santa: This is for the brothers that aren't here. [takes a swig]

Girl: Is that for when you're thirsty?

Santa: Yes, that's right, you little brat. [pockets the bottle] Santa has to stay warm because he he has to fly back to the North Pole every single day. Now, if you be a good girl, keep your trap shut and don't tell mommy about Santa's little bottle, I'll bring you everything you want. Now, here's - here's a candy cane for you, my dear. [gives the girl a candy cane]

Girl: Oh, thank you, Mr. Santa!

Santa: You're welcome.

Girl: This is the nicest talk we ever had.

Santa: Ha ha! Is it?

Girl: Mr. Santa, look! There's something on your beard! Right here! [puts a finger on his beard]

Santa: [looks down] Where?

Girl: [bops him in the nose] There!

Santa: Ahh!

[Girl jumps off Santa's lap and runs away.]

Submitted Anonymously

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