77h: Miskel Spillman / Elvis Costello
Santa ... Bill Murray
Girl ... Gilda Radner
[A little girl sits on a department store Santa's lap.
Girl: Mr. Santa?
Santa: Yes, my dear?
Girl: For Christmas, could I have a Busy Brenda
Mystery Action Vacuum Cleaner Doll?
Santa: Nope. Sorry.
Girl: Well, Mr. Santa, could I please have the
battery-operated Dog Family?
Girl: Well, could I please have a Flexy the Pocket
Santa: No, you may not have a Flexy the Pocket Monkey!
Girl: Mr. Santa, could I have a Ready Ranger Field
Santa: Nope, no Field Set. But, you know, I'll tell
ya, there's something I WILL give you. Santa's Trap
Door! Ha! [Santa spreads his legs and the girl tumbles
to the floor] Whoa! One of Santa's oldest bits! And he
Girl: [climbs back into Santa's lap] Mister--
Santa: You fell for it, stupid! What else don't you
Santa: Or want - want and just can't have!
Girl: Mr. Santa, could I please have some Clay-Doh?
Santa: Oh ho, you want Clay-Doh?
Santa: Isn't that adorable?
Girl: Yes! I just want, uh, some Clay-Doh so I can
take it and build my parents a summer house.
Santa: Enough Clay-Doh to build a summer house ...
Santa: ... for your parents?
Santa: Well, since that is an awful lot of Clay-Doh --
and because you want it so much -- I'll just have to
say ... NO! HA! I love it!
Girl: Mr. Santa, then, could I please have a set of
Pez? They don't cost very much and they're very, very
tiny, and sometimes they're even free.
Santa: Well, that's not a very big request for
Christmas and since that's all you want -- YOU CAN'T
HAVE IT! OHHH! Santa's really getting off on this! HA!
Look, there is something--
Girl: Why not?
Santa: No, honey, there is something I do want to give
Girl: What's that?
Santa: SANTA'S TRAP DOOR AGAIN!!! I LOVE IT! [Santa
spreads his legs and the girl tumbles to the floor]
OH! SANTA'S REALLY GETTING IT OFF! [takes a bottle
from his pocket]
Girl: [climbs back into Santa's lap] Mr. Santa! [off
the bottle] What's this, Mr. Santa?
Santa: This is for the brothers that aren't here.
[takes a swig]
Girl: Is that for when you're thirsty?
Santa: Yes, that's right, you little brat. [pockets
the bottle] Santa has to stay warm because he he has
to fly back to the North Pole every single day. Now,
if you be a good girl, keep your trap shut and don't
tell mommy about Santa's little bottle, I'll bring you
everything you want. Now, here's - here's a candy cane
for you, my dear. [gives the girl a candy cane]
Girl: Oh, thank you, Mr. Santa!
Santa: You're welcome.
Girl: This is the nicest talk we ever had.
Santa: Ha ha! Is it?
Girl: Mr. Santa, look! There's something on your
beard! Right here! [puts a finger on his beard]
Santa: [looks down] Where?
Girl: [bops him in the nose] There!
[Girl jumps off Santa's lap and runs away.]