Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 2

78b: Fred Willard / Devo

The Scotch Boutique

Jenny ... Gilda Radner
Floyd Hunger ... Dan Aykroyd
Walker ... Fred Willard
1st Woman ... Jane Curtin
Kevin ... John Belushi
1st Man ... Garrett Morris
2nd Man ... Bill Murray
2nd Woman ... Laraine Newman

[Image of the interior of a large shopping mall. We slowly zoom in on one of the stores which has a graphic of a Scotch tape dispenser above the door. Dissolve to the interior of the store where a gray-suited man hurriedly enters to be greeted by Jenny the cashier who polishes a tape dispenser and places it on a display rack.]

Jenny: [cheerfully] Welcome to Scotch Boutique! Can I help you?

Floyd Hunger: I sure hope so. I'm Floyd Hunger from next door, uh, Hunger's Men's Shop. I hate to say it, we blew a fuse in the stock room. I can't believe it, I'm all out, you know, and I wondered if you had an extra one.

[Elsewhere in the store (which sells nothing but Scotch tape -- dispensers line the walls and countertops), we see Mr. Walker, the pipe smoking store owner, who wears a red plaid vest which matches the Scotch plaid wallpaper. Also visible is Kevin the stock boy who sits on a stool in the rear, reading a comic book.]

Walker: [very pleasant] Sure. I always keep an extra one. You never can tell. [Walker searches under the store's copy machine for a fuse.]

Floyd Hunger: Oh, great, great. Hey, listen, I'm sorry I haven't had a chance to come by and, uh, you know, say hello and everything. Uh, you just moved in but we've been real busy.

Walker: Mm hm. Thirty amp, okay? [offers a new fuse]

Floyd Hunger: [takes the new fuse] Oh, yeah. Just what I need. [compares the new fuse to the burnt out one in his hand] Fact, it's even my brand. [he and Walker share a laugh] Thanks a lot. [moves to Jenny the cashier and pays for the fuse]

Walker: No, no, no, no. That's okay. That's okay. I won't hear of it, no. [takes money from Jenny and returns it to Floyd]

Floyd Hunger: Oh, gee, well, thanks. That's sure nice o' ya. Listen, if ever I can return the favor, I'm right down the mall here, next door.

Walker: How's business for you? Good, eh?

Floyd Hunger: [enthusiastic] Aw, it's terrific! This mall's a great location, you know. They did a good market survey on it. We've been doing really, really, um-- [suddenly notices Walker and Jenny look downcast] really, well, you know. [tries to be reassuring] It - it's gonna pick up, this business'll pick up.

Jenny: [tries to look on the bright side] Ah, we - we've only been here for two months and it's, uh, just gonna take us a little longer to get established.

Walker: [lighting his pipe] Yeah, you know, when you're working with a brand new, fresh idea, it's always a little harder. You know, um, most people are used to buying their - their tape when they go to the supermarket or drug store, you know. What we've got to do is turn their thinking around so they make a special trip down here to the Scotch Boutique when they want, uh, tape.

Floyd Hunger: Uh, look, uh, you know, you've probably thought of this but have you ever considered adding, uh, other prod-- you know, products like, uh, paper clips, uh, stationery, you know, things like that?

Walker: Well, as a matter of fact, we just put in this copy machine. It was Jenny's idea. Did you see our sign out front? "Copies - nine cents."

Floyd Hunger: Hm.

Walker: Aw, we barely break even but, the way I figure it, we're gonna bring in customers who might buy tape.

Floyd Hunger: Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Well, uh, if ever I need any copying done, I'll be, uh, be sure to come back. Thanks again, uh-- [starts out the door, then stops - decides to do these poor souls a favor] You know, [snaps his fingers] I'd better take a roll o' tape with me. I know I'm gonna be needin' it back there at the store.

Jenny: [thrilled] Oh, what size would you like?

Floyd Hunger: Well, just - just regular'd be fine.

Jenny: Well, regular width or length? How about a thirty-six footer?

Floyd Hunger: Well, sure. Is that the regular kind or, uh ...?

Walker: [helpfully, to Jenny] Why don't you show him the seventy-two footer? It's quite a savings.

Floyd Hunger: Uh, it's - it's okay. I'm in kind o' a hurry. I gotta get back to the store so this'll be fine.

Jenny: All right, fine.

[Jenny bags up the tape. Floyd drops a dollar on the counter and crosses to Walker.]

Floyd Hunger: Uh ...

Jenny: [puts bag on the counter] Here you go.

Floyd Hunger: [shakes Walker's hand] Hey, listen, thanks again for the fuse, really.

Walker: Don't mention it.

Jenny: [rings up the sale] That'll be fifty-nine cents -- out of one. [hands Floyd his change] There you go. Thanks a lot.

Walker: [to Floyd] If you ever need any more tape or some copying done, you know where to come.

Floyd Hunger: [reassuringly] Well, when this roll runs out, I'm comin' right back here.

Jenny: Come again.

Floyd Hunger: Yeah. [exits]

Walker: Kevin, I think we need another fifty-nine center up here.

[Walker points with his pipe to an empty spot on the display case that used to hold the tape Floyd just purchased. Kevin looks up from his comic book, rises from his stool, sticks the rolled-up book into the back pocket of his jeans and exits into the stock room. Walker lights his pipe. A woman enters the store from the mall.]

1st Woman: Hi.

Jenny: [cheerfully] Welcome to Scotch Boutique!

Walker: Welcome.

1st Woman: Thank you. Could I get a copy of this, please? [hands Jenny a piece of paper]

Jenny: [takes paper, cheerfully] How many, please?

1st Woman: One.

Jenny: [a little disappointed, hands the paper to Walker] One.

[Walker takes the paper to the copy machine as the woman looks on.]

Walker: Need any tape today?

1st Woman: Uh, not today, thanks.

[Walker starts the copy machine, then looks the woman over.]

Walker: Say, didn't you come in here about a week ago and buy some tape from us?

1st Woman: Yeah.

Walker: [as much to Jenny as to the woman] Isn't that something! You were in here before and now you're back again!

1st Woman: Right. Yeah.

Walker: How'd that, uh, tape work out? Okay?

1st Woman: Oh! [nods] Oh, good, good. Yeah. Sticks really well.

Walker: Fine.

Jenny: Uh, that'll be, uh, nine cents, please. [Woman takes copy and original from Walker, gives Jenny a dime] Out of ten? Okay. [Jenny rings up the sale and makes change] Here you go. Thanks a lot.

1st Woman: Thank you. [starts to leave]

Walker: If you need any more copying done or any more tape, you know where to come.

1st Woman: [nods, smiles] Right.

Jenny: Come again.

[The woman exits. Kevin returns from the stock room with a roll of tape.]

Kevin: I couldn't find any more open boxes of fifty-nine centers back there in the stock room so I - I - I had to open up a box of one thousand.

Jenny: [distressed] You opened up a box of one thousand? Now, we can't send it back!

Walker: [for the first time, his pleasantness evaporates - he seems suddenly defeated] I knew it. [to Jenny] You don't believe in this place, do ya? You don't believe in me.

Jenny: [tries to be reassuring] Honey, honey, I do. I do. It's just that it's been two months.

Walker: [deeply serious] Listen, a business takes time to build. It isn't done overnight. Nobody makes money their first couple of months. I thought you understood all of that.

Jenny: [horribly conflicted] I do, I do, I do. I - I - I - I - I don't know. [Two men have entered and stand in the doorway - Jenny sees them and becomes instantly cheerful] Oh, welcome to Scotch Boutique!

1st Man: [to Jenny] Um, do you sell any recording tape here?

Jenny: [cheerfully] No, just the sticky kind.

2nd Man: [to the first man] See? I told ya.

[The 2nd Man turns away to keep from laughing out loud. The 1st Man, stunned, smiles broadly and looks around at the store in amazement. The two men exit.]

Walker: [calls after the men, cheerfully] Next time you need the sticky kind, you'll know where to come! [instantly serious, to Jenny] I mean, I thought you understood that this was my dream. You said it was a good idea. Do you think in a million years, I'd draw out every last red cent of our - our savings account and invest it in this business if I thought you didn't think it was a good idea?

[A woman enters but, by now, Jenny is too distracted to greet her.]

2nd Woman: Uh, do you have any recording tape?

Walker: [pleasantly] No, just cellophane. The sticky kind. If you need any of the sticky kind, you know where to come!

2nd Woman: Okay, thanks.

Jenny: [weakly] Come again.

[The woman exits. Jenny, on the verge of tears, can't look Walker in the eye.]

Walker: Well, I guess that does it. I - I - I can't go on surrounded by quitters and - and doubters. Calls for a team effort. ... I'll never forget a story my uncle once told me. My uncle owned a little restaurant in Pennsylvania. It was real famous for a long time for its chicken salad. [Jenny and Kevin, who sits on his stool with comic book in hand, listen with interest] Well, one day, they couldn't get any chicken to put in the salad. So my uncle, what he did, he called together the employees. ... [Walker pauses to light his pipe] And he said, "Look, why don't we put turkey in that salad instead of chicken?" Well, of course, everyone was real nervous at first because they didn't know what was gonna happen. But you want to know something? Not one person even noticed that it was turkey instead of chicken. Now, that's what I call teamwork.

Jenny: [completely won over] I'm sorry, honey. I'll give it another chance. I believe in you.

Walker: [takes her hand] Thank you, honey.

Kevin: [joins them at the register] I believe in you, too, Mr. Walker.

Walker: Thanks, Kevin. [Kevin puts his hand on theirs in an "All for one, one for all" gesture - Walker brightens] Hey, what do you say we stop all this and get back to business as usual? [pats Kevin on the back] What do you say?

Jenny: [genuinely cheerful again] Oh, okay.

Kevin: [happy] Okay!

[Jenny laughs and dusts the display rack. Kevin gets out his comic book and goes back to his stool. Walker scribbles on some paperwork, pipe in mouth.]

Submitted Anonymously

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