Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 18

79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

.....Jane Curtin
.....Bill Murray
.....Al Franken

Announcer: And now "Weekend Update", with the "Weekend Update" news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I'm Jane Curtin, Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: Despite outraged protests from Saudi Arabia, PBS will broadcast "Death of a Princess", a controversial docu-drama which tells the story of a Saudi princess who was executed for the crime of adultery. The Saudis have threatened to go into productino of their own docu-drama, entitled "Death of a Jewish-American Princess", about a girl from Great Neck, Long Island who dies from complications of a nose job.

Out of the Rose Garden for the first time in six months, President Carter said he would have attended President Tito's funeral, only if the late Yugoslav leader was buried in Philadelphia where Carter was campaigning.

And Pope John Paul II is calling his trip to Africa a "complete success." The Pontiff has baptized thousands, exchanged ideas with African leaders, and recruited several good-looking prospects for the Vatican baskbetball team.


Bill Murray: In a surprising victory for President Carter, the Russian Olympic Committee voted unanimously to boycott their own Summer Games in Moscow. The Soviets said that Carter's boycott forced them to take a long, hard look at themselves, and they are ashamed at their own behavior.

Researchers at the NYU Medical School have discovered that, by applying ice packs to their testicles, they can raise the sperm count and cure certain types of male sterility. Subjects who tested this cold-compress treatment were able to impregnate their wives, who gave birth to Eskimos.

And a dozen of Thomas's English Muffins, wearing pencil-thin mosutaches, were able to talk their way into the Library of Congress this morning, and stole a copy of "Treasure Island" by Robert Louis Stevenson. It's the fourth time this year that muffin made it past library security.


Jane Curtin: Almost 30,000 refugees have sailed from Cuba to Florida in the past two weeks. There was some concern that, among the refugees, are hundreds of social undesirables, such as mental patients, violent criminals, friends of Bebe Riboso, and members of Desi Arnaz's original band.

The St. Petersburg Highway Department had to collapse the Tampa Bay Bridge yesterday, in order to apprehend a car that drive onto the bridge without paying the toll. The car apologizes to other cars and buses that were inconvenienced by the incident.

The remains of The Three Stooges were put on display at the Tate Gallery in London, last week. As always, Curly was the most popular.


Bill Murray: Thank you. [ holding up paper ] This just in -- Secretary of State Edwin Muskie has just resigned because of a dispute with President Carter over next week's surprise hostage rescue attempt. Carter is trying to get Muskie to postpone his decision until after the attempt fails.

And Rosie Ruiz surprised everyone when she finished first in the South Carolina Democratic Primary last Tuesday. State election officials had doubts, however, claiming she entered the race at the last minute. But Rosie tearfully continued to stick to her story that she DID run in the Primary, and she plans to keep the deledates she won, taking them with her on a camping trip to the Pocono Mountains.

[ image: Jane Curtin smiling with Walter Cronkite ] CBS News anchorman Walter Cronkite categorically denied reports that he would accept the nomination as John Anderson's running mate. Cronkite, shown here with a local hosebag, repeated the denial in his own familiar words, "That's the way it is."

Jane, just what did you have to do to get Mr. C. to pose with you?

Jane Curtin: [ snidely ] Bill, I don't have to tell you a thing -- as a journalist, I'm protected by the First Amendment!

Bill Murray: Well, good -- at least you used some protection.

Jane Curtin: And now to talk about himself, is Weekend Update's Social Sciences Editor Al Franken. Al?

Al Franken: Thanks, Jane! Since the Al Franken Decade started, a lot of people have been coming up and asking what they can do for me... Al Franken. [ SUPER: "Al Franken" ] Now, the other day I was standing outside of Rockefeller Center, trying to get a cab, and I was trying to think what I was going to do for this week's spot... and I came up with this GREAT idea! This hilarious idea! And then, some guy... walks up to me, and he says, "Hey! Al Franken!" [ SUPER: "Al Franken" ] "I'm sorry to bother you... but I'd just like to say I really enjoy your work." So I say, "Get lost, I'm trying to think." So the guy leaves, and by this time... I've forgotten the idea. This great idea I'd be doing for you now, if it hadn't been for this SCUM... who interrupted my thought process. Okay -- so I get in the cab, and I start thinking: "How did this happen to me, Al Franken?" [ SUPER: "Al Franken" ] And I figured it happened because I was trying to get a cab. I should have... a limosine. I mean, let's be reasonable: Here I am -- Al Franken [ SUPER: "Al Franken" ] -- one of NBC's few bright spots... and I'm forced to wait for taxis with you ordinary people out on the street. So I started thinking: "Who does NBC give limos to, anyway?"

Okay -- now there are some cast members here on "Saturday Night Live" who do get limo service from NBC. I'm not gonna complain about that. These people are my friends, it would seem a bit... petty. But Garrett? Okay. Anyway... I found out that NBC gives limosines to Tom Snyder and to Gary Coleman. Now, taste aside, these guys do star in their own shows, so I can't really complain about them, either. But now, get this -- who know who gets complete door-to-door limo service from NBC? Fred Silverman. Now, here's a guy... who is a total, unequivocal failure. Okay? The guy's been here two years... and he hasn't done diddly-squat. Okay? And he gets a limo! Okay... [ he grabs a chart ] now, here's a list of the top ten-rated shows this season in TV. Now, there's some A's there... some B's... some C's... uh... some S's. You see those? You see any N's? Not one N! [ he puts the chart down ] Why? 'Cause Silverman is a lame-o! But he still gets limosine service. I like to call it "A Limo for the Lame-o."

Okay. Now, this is where you come in, and you can help me... Al Franken. [ SUPER: "Al Franken" ] I want all of you to write NBC and pressure them to get me a limosine. Now, just send a letter or a postcard to:

c/o Fred Silverman
30 Rockefeller Center Plaza
New York, N.Y. 10020

Now, this is VERY IMPORTANT! Write this address down, NOW! Get a pencil and paper, and write it down! Here, I'll wait for you. [ he waits ] Now, I'm sure you've got a pencil SOMEWHERE in the house. Go get it. Don't worry -- I'll yell... I'll YELL so you won't miss anything! [ yelling ] Now, if ENOUGH of you write... Silverman will HAVE TO GIVE ME THE LIMO!! Even though I've just DECIMATED HIM, that's the WAY THINGS ARE AROUND HERE! He's TIMID, INDECISIVE, and he's EASILY PRESSURED!! HE's WEAK!! Okay -- once again, now that you're back. That's:

c/o Fred Silverman
30 Rockefeller Center Plaza
New York, N.Y. 10020

Okay. Now, if this works, and I get my limo, you'll be doing me... Al Franken [ SUPER: "Al Franken" ] a great favor! And, hopefully, I won't be bothered by people like you! But if you do happen to see me getting out of my limo, or maybe in a fancy hotel or restaurant, or perhaps this summer in London or Paris or Minneapolis... don't come up to me unless you happen to be an attractive female, who is prepared to engage in sexual intercourse with me... Al Franken. [ SUPER: "Al Franken" ] Thank you!

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Al. That's the news. Happy Mother's Day, Mom! Have a pleasant tomorrow!

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