George Carlin's Monologue

.....George Carlin



Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, George Carlin!

[Cheers and applause. George Carlin emerges from the audience and heads to Home Base. But it's a videotape of Carlin's entrance from the very first episode of Saturday Night Live in 1975: he wears long hair, a beard and mustache, a T-shirt under a dark suit. After a moment, we dissolve to Carlin, live in 1984, standing at Home Base: his hair, beard and mustache are neatly trimmed - he wears eyeglasses, a casual blue shirt and dark slacks. Cheers and applause continue.]

George Carlin: All right, all right, all right. Thank you. Hey. Come on, now. [crowd finally quiets] Let me ask you something. Who was that guy on the tape? ... Does anybody know who that was? He sure had a lot o' hair, I'll tell ya that. ... Yeah, I hosted, uh, the very first Saturday Night Live -- nine years ago -- and they told me if I did a real good job, they'd have me back. ... So here I am and I'm really glad that some people live up to their word.

On that first show, I did a monologue about God. And before the show was over, by one in the morning, uh, we had the Archbishop of New York, Cardinal Cooke, on the phone, complaining about the monologue. Seems he didn't think that God was a suitable subject for a monologue. Okay in a sermon but - NOT in a monologue. ... And I didn't really say anything THAT wrong -- I felt. I mean, all I said was, it was my feeling that if - if you look at it real carefully, that maybe - maybe - God isn't perfect. You know? Just maybe He's not perfect. I mean, if He created us in His own image and likeness, how perfect could He be, you know? ... I mean, uh, if God created everything, I'd say He has a serious quality control problem. ...

And I think it shows up in His work. I mean, if you take a look at a mountain range -- they're all crooked, they're not nicely up in a line ... they're all different sizes, you know. Leaves, the same thing. You can't find two leaves the same. Even fingerprints. He can't make two fingerprints the same! He's got four and a half billion people to work with -- He can't make two of 'em the same. ...

Now, the reason I'm repeating these things is 'cause I thought maybe now that I'm back, maybe we could get the Archbishop on the phone again tonight. ... Now, it's not the same man. Now, it's, uh, Archbishop O'Connor. And I'm not sure about his viewing habits. I don't know how late he stays up at night. Probably, he's working on some really tough, serious government problem at this time. ... You know? Well, these days, clergyman have to devote so much time to politics that they really don't have any time to think ... much less - much less watch TV. [cheers and applause]

But who knows? Now, that the election is over, maybe he's sittin' over there with Jerry Falwell, splittin' a pizza ... readin' the Constitution and flippin' the dial ... and, uh, maybe they'll give us a call. I told them in the control room -- if we got a call from Archbishop O'Connor -- please, take a number and I'll get back to him, okay? ...

And, hey, speaking - speaking of Jerry Falwell, this has been a strange year. 1984? We started with Orwell and wound up with Falwell? ... Huh? I'm not really sure how this church and state separation stuff is gonna work out. Ah, personally, I'm in favor of the separation of church and state. My feeling is that either one of these institutions screws you up bad enough on its own. ... You put them together and you got certain death. ...

So, uh, I would like to begin the show with a prayer tonight, if you don't mind. ... Uh, this is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. And I guess if they're gonna force those kids to pray in school, they might as well have a nice prayer like this:

Our Father who art in Heaven
And to the Republic for which it stands ...
Thy kingdom come,
One nation, indivisible
As it is in Heaven ...
Give us this day
As we forgive those
Who so proudly we hail ...
Crown Thy good
Into temptation ...
But deliver us from
The twilight.
Amen ...

[Cheers and applause]

Okay. We'll be right back.

[Even louder cheers and applause as we pull back and dissolve to a wider shot that includes the crowd before fading out.]


Submitted Anonymously


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