Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 6





87f: Danny DeVito / Bryan Ferry

Church Chat

Church Lady.....Dana Carvey
Jessica Hahn.....Jan Hooks
.....Danny DeVito

Church Lady: Hello, I'm the Church Lady, and this is "Church Chat". Well, you know, the holiday season has arrived. And, with it, a little letter from Toledo, Ohio. Let's read that, shall we?

[ reading ] "Dear Church Lady: I am shocked at the number of people who bring their children to total strangers in Santa suits, and allow them to hold their young ones firmly on their pelvic regions, offer them candy and whisper, 'Don't be afraid to tell me what you really want!' What causes this mass hysteria?" Signed, Elaine.

Well, Elaine, let's examine thew word "Santa", shall we? [ holds up board with "SANTA" spelled across it in removeable letters ] Santa. Let's see, what have we got here? We've got an S and an A, an N, a T, and another A. Hmm.. [ rearranges the letters ] Who could be causing all those laps to bounce up and down curiously? Who would help grown men peel the focus from the baby Jesus on his birthday? Who could it be, I just don't know. Could it be.. [ echo ] Satan!! [ the letters now spell "SATAN" ]

Alright, and now, speaking about bouncing up and down curiously, let's welcome my first guest, Jessica Hahn.

[ Jessica Hahn sits before the Church Lady ]

Church Lady: Welcome, Jessie.

Jessica Hahn: Well, thank you for having me here, Church Lady, it'll give me a chance to finally clear my name.

Church Lady: Oh, it does need clearing once again, doesn't it? Just when you think your story's over, Jessie, you pop up again, just like some nasty bacterial fungus you get at a gas station bathroom. It just simply won't go away, will it?

Jessica Hahn: It's been a very long year.

Church Lady: Yes. Well, let's recap 1987 for you, shall we? Let's see.. it went simple churchgoer, and then the Jim Bakker sex scandal, and now you're Hugh Hefner's live-in love muffing, aren't you?

Jessica Hahn: Well, I'm denying allegations that I was a teenage prostitute on Lonmgg Island.

Church Lady: Yes, I remember your picture on the tabloid saying, "I am not a whore."

Jessica Hahn: I am not a whore!

Church Lady: [ smug ] And I am not the Church Lady.

Jessica Hahn: What?!

Church Lady: Never mind, never mind. I'm just babbling.

Jessica Hahn: Well, I regret that I have to come forward once more and defend my character!

Church Lady: Yes, you seem to have to do that often. Where do people get these wacky ideas, Jessie? Where, oh where, oh where? [ holds up Playboy magazine with Jessica on the cover ] Certainly not from these pictures in Playboy magazine. I'm sure most Christians pose nude all the time. Well, let's take a look at your little pictorial here.. [ flips pages ] Whoo-oo! Well, your naked breasts are oiled up nicely! Your back is arched, causing your bulbous buttocks to tip upward ever so slightly! Obviously, your celestial orifice is engorged and tingly -

Jessica Hahn: Okay,. we get the point, alright!

Church Lady: Alright, just relax, Jessie..

Jessica Hahn: Alright, peple can make fun of me all they want, I don't care! Okay? But these pictures say something! They say that Jessica Hahn is nobody's robot, alright! That she's not gonna be used and thrown out! Now, being used and degraded in a hotel rom in Florida was not my decision! But being used and degraded on the pages of this magazine, that was my decision! Yeah! And I'm telling you, that for the first time in my life, I am in control of being used and degraded!

Church Lady: Well, isn't that special? Why don't we just move on, Jessie? That was a nice little speech, we all have a tear in our eye, don't we? [ Jessica moves down ] Alrighty. Now my next geust is making a second appearance on "Church Chat". Join me, please, in welcoming Danny DeVito.

[ Danny DeVito sits in front of the Church Lady ]

Church Lady: Hello, Daniel.

Danny DeVito: Hi, Church Lady. Good to see you.

Church Lady: Alrighty. Now, Dan, you've been very, very busy. I understand you have a brand new motion picture out. "Throw Momma From the Train".

Danny DeVito: That's right.

Church Lady: Well, that's a charmimg little title, Daniel. And what is the film about?

Danny DeVito: Well, in the movie I want Billy Crystal to do away with my mother - knock her off - because she's a pain in the.. neck.

Church Lady: Mmm-hmm. So it's a family picture. We've done a little film about murdering our mother. Just in time for Christmas. How conveenent!

Danny DeVito: Come on, loosen up, Church Lady. I mean, it's a comedy. I mean, when was the last time you laughed?

Church Lady: I don't think that's any of your business.

Danny DeVito: [ chortles with glee ] I mean, it wouldn't hurt you to go out and get your package wrapped every once in a while, you know what I'm saying!

Church Lady: Well, Daniel, I'm gonna have to say a little prayer against you for that one, okay? [ whispers her prayer ] Well, I hope someone's beginning to feel a prickly sensation in their naughty area.

Jessica Hahn: Boy, I do, Church Lady.. I do.. I do..

Church Lady: I'm sure you do, Jessie. Why don't you give it a rest.

Jessica Hahn: [ angry ] Alright, look! I did not come here to be insulted, alright!

Church Lady: No, that could happen on any street corner.

Jessica Hahn: Look, I'm warning you, lady!

[ Danny breaks them apart ]

Danny DeVito: Hey! This is the season to be jolly. Come on!

Church Lady: Alrighty, alrighty.. we like ourselves, let's just cool off for a second. Thank you, Daniel, that's very nice. And it is the holidays, which reminds me we have a special feature for your enjoyment - the debut of the "Church Chat" band. And, Danny, I understand you're going to sing with our band.

Danny DeVito: You got it!

Church Lady: Alrighty. Well, I think that would be lovely.

Danny DeVito: They tell me you play a mean set of drums.

Church Lady: Well, I have been rehearsing on skins for a while, and I hope I can keep up with you. Why we just try that, okay? [ walks across the stge with Danny ] Right over here, we've got Pearl, and we've got Steven. It should be a lot of fun.

Danny DeVito: [ singing ]
"Here comes Santa Claus
Here comes Santa Claus
Right down Santa Claus Lane
Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer
are pulling on the reins.
Bells are ringing, children singing;
All is merry and bright.
Hang your stockings and.."


Church Lady: "..say your prayers!"

Danny DeVito: "'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight."

Take it, Church Lady, go babe!

[ Church Lady works the drums ]

Danny DeVito: She's hot! She's hot!

Church Lady: Well, isn't that special!

Danny DeVito: [ singing ]
"Here comes Santa Claus
Here comes Santa Claus
Right down Santa Claus Lane
He's got a bag that is filled with toys
for the boys and girls again.
Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle,
What a beautiful sight.
Jump in bed, cover up your head,
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight!"


Announcer: This has been "Church Chat", with the Church Lady.


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