Coffee Talk
Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
Sheila…..Kirstie Alley
Saul…..Phil Hartman
Caller…..Julia Sweeney
Announcer: Welcome to Coffee Talk with your host Paul Baldwin.
Linda Richman: Welcome to Coffee Talk. I’m the guest host Linda Richman. My friend, the regular host Paul Baldwin asked me to fill in this week. Long story short, he’s going to recover nicely. Now, I don’t offer him coffee. It gives me shpilkes in my genecktecessoink. And it aggravates my hiatus hernia. So this week’s show is dedicated to the best entertainer in the history of show buisiness. Barbra Streisand.
Sheila: Barbra Joan Streisand.
Linda Richman: Yes. This is my best friend Sheila.
Sheila: Hello!
Linda Richman: I’ve know her since I’m six.
Sheila: Six! And this is my husband Saul.
Saul: What?
Sheila: What? What? That’s all I get. I get a what. Saul you’re a shlup.
Saul: Sheila, Sheila. You asked me drive you here. I drove. What, I got to talk too?
Sheila: What? You’re a muchlob. Saul, Where did you park?
Saul: I circled for 20 minutes and I found a beautiful place next to H&H Bagels
Linda Richman: The best bagels in the city. They’re like buttah. Okay, back to Babs. She’s coming out with a new movie, Prince of Tides.
Sheila: And by the by that Babs and I are exactly the same age.
Linda Richman: Me too. (holds up Vanity Fair). But I ask you, is this the body of a 50 year old lady?
Sheila: You know, I would die for hands.
Linda Richman: They’re like buttah.
Sheila: I however have Tody Beile hands. He’s by the way dead.
Linda Richman: Very dead. Now let’s talk. Why do we love Barbra Streisand so much. Is it because she’s so vaulty and brash?
Sheila: No it isn’t. The reason is, she got out. Now when I was a little girl, I wanted to be a ballerina, and my mother told me, “Sheila, you’re a poor mescite from Brooklyn with a hook nose. You will never, ever be a ballerina.” And like a schmuck, I listened. Barbra, no, she got out. Excuse me I’m a little emotional about this right now.
Linda Richman: Listening to your story, I’m a little verklempt myself. Give me a second. Talk amongst yourselves (holds it all in). There I feel better. You’re right she got out. I however married an adogio dancer with turquoise hair, and carpel tunnel syndrome. Couldn’t even open a door. May he rest in peace. Okay let’s go to the phones. The number is 555-4444.
Sheila: Four, four, four, four. That’s 4 fours.
Linda Richman: Four to the power of four. Welcome to Coffee Talk. Hello you’re on the air.
Caller: First of all, I hope Paul’s okay.
Linda Richman: He just has a bit of the genecktecessoink. No big whoop. Go on.
Caller: Did you know Barbra has a new boxset collection with all of her recordings in it?
Linda Richman: Yes. I knew that. It’s called “Just for the Records,” and it contains every song she’s ever sang. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s like buttah.
Caller: Yes it is. Does it have the song “The Way We Were?”
Sheila: Does it? It has all of the songs including.. May I?
Linda Richman: Oh. Please Do.
Sheila: (sings to “The Way We Were”) Memory. Like the corners of your..(giggles)
Linda Richman: Wonderful. It’s like buttah, her voice.
Caller: And then Barbra sees Robert Redford getting in a cab in front of the plaza.
Linda Richman: “Hubble! Hubble! Come back!”
Sheila: Don’t go! Oh, I adore Robert Redford.
Linda Richman: And he has a beautiful goyeschaponnum. It makes you want to have Christmas. It was a beautiful scene. Again I’m just a little verklempt. A little emotional, little verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic. The Progressive Era was neither progressive nor an era. Discuss! (holds it all in) There I feel better. Who knew?
Sheila: Now as we were saying. Barbra has a new movie “Prince of Tides” with, go figure, Nick Nolte.
Linda Richman: Barbra must know what’s she’s doing.
Sheila: She must.
Linda Richman: She’s god. (Saul gets ready to leave)
Sheila: Saul, where are you going?
Saul: I got to go. I got to put a coin in the meter.
Sheila: Right in the middle of the show, right in the middle of my television debut, you have to go?
Saul: What, you want me to circle for an hour?
Sheila: God forbid you should circle for one hour.
Linda Richman: Obviusly, I’m in the middle of a domestic. Well that’s all the time we have for this week. My name is Linda Richman.
Sheila: And my name is Sheila (pauses) Ornstine. I changed it (sings) Nickie Ornstine, Sheila Ornstine. What a beautiful, beautiful, na-ame.
Linda Richman: It’s like buttah. Alright, next week God willing, Paul will be back for Coffee Talk. Goodbye people (begins singing “People” as scene fades away.
Thanks to Robert Wilczak for this transcript!
