Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 5

95e: Quentin Tarantino / Smashing Pumpkins


Spokesman.....Will Ferrell

[ Bug-Off Spokesman walks into dark kitchen and turns on the lights - a group of roaches quickly scatter away ]

Spokesman: Roaches. Eliminating them from your home should be safe, as well as effective. Most products on the market today use strong poisons to seize a roach's central nervous system, paralyze him, and eventually kill them. Can't we do better than that? Now you can, with new Bug-Off.

Roaches are attracted to Bug-Off by a chemical message that says, "Come on in, it's warm and safe in here." Once inside, the roach is held fast by a powerful adhesive, while three pairs of tiny tweezers grab the roach's legs and strech them in opposite directions until, eventually, they snap off. Meanwhile, a red-hot metal coil burns off the roach's reproductive organs, as the roach's own legs are used to beat him senseless. And, with the patented clear-view window, you can be sure it's working. Finally, wads of turpentine silk cotton are stuffed into the roach's orifices, while a tasty piece of food dangles just out of his reach.

True, none of this will actually kill the roach.. but it will give him plenty to think about. So stop coddling your roaches. They've had it too good for too long. Give them what they deserve, with Bug-Off.

Announcer: Bug-Off. Go Medieval!

SNL Transcripts