96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
... Norm MacDonald
... Bob Dole
[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm
[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk, basking in
the enthusiastic cheers and applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I'm Norm MacDonald
and now the fake news! Our top story tonight:
Texaco Oil, reeling from the public outcry over racist
remarks made by some of its top executives at a tape
recorded meeting, today announced a dramatic change in
company policy: No more tape recorded
Meanwhile, the U.S. Army is dealing with a scandal of
its own, as dozens of female recruits have charged
drill instructors with sexual harassment,
intimidation, and even sexual assault. Analysts are
calling it the best argument yet for gays in the
Attorney General Janet Reno has assembled a task force
to determine whether federal campaign finance laws
were violated by Democrats, Republicans, or both.
Another task force will attempt to determine whether
Attorney General Reno is a man, a woman, or
This week, in a secret ceremony in Australia, Michael
Jackson was married for the second time. Asked what
makes his new bride special, the King of Pop said,
quote: "She has taught me about the power of
imagination. Like imagining that a grown woman is a
ten year old boy." [Mixed reactions from the crowd]
... You know he's a homosexual pedophile, right? You
understand? [cheers and applause]
And, yes, it is true, Michael Jackson is going to be a
father. Already, he has hired an entire staff of
nannies, nurses and extra bodyguards, which hopefully
will protect the child from Michael Jackson.
This weekend, veteran news anchorman David Brinkley
apologized to Bill Clinton for an election night
commentary in which he called the president, quote,
"boring and uncreative." Admitted Brinkley: "There was
certainly nothing uncreative about the way you moved
Vince Foster's body." [mixed and mild reaction from
the crowd] ... President's a murderer, you didn't know
Nicki Barcudas, a young woman whose wealthy family
owns a chain of profitable restaurants in New York,
has won twenty-three million dollars in the New York
Lotto. This raises an interesting question: "Nicki
Barcudas, will you marry me?"
O. J. Simpson was in a different courtroom this week,
attempting to regain custody of his two children. In
order to prove to the court how much he loves his
kids, O. J. pointed out, quote: "Hey, they're still
alive, aren't they?" ... [mixed, mild reaction, then
Demi Moore has wrapped filming on "GI Jane" in which
she plays a Navy SEAL combat officer. Moore says that
in contrast to other Hollywood portrayals of women in
the military, her character will have giant
Wildlife officials in Maryland say that increased
hunting will be necessary to control the state's black
bear population. Gee, I wonder if hunting would be the
answer if instead of overpopulation of black bears,
there were an overpopulation of rich, old, white men.
[Superimposed text reading "Applaud Now" flashes on
the screen, Norm grins and nods as the audience
applauds] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I wonder.
The New York City Transit Authority plans to put up
signs in subway stations asking city residents to be
more polite when getting on and off the subway. Most
New Yorkers say the idea sounds great and that the new
signs will make excellent urinals.
Doctors have discovered that deer hunters are at an
unusually high risk for stress-related heart attacks.
Also at high risk for stress-related heart attacks:
In Washington D.C., reporter Alan Etter was doing a
story on violence at a local high school when he was
attacked and severely beaten by a gang of students.
The assailants say they have nothing against the
reporter, they just love irony.
Eighty-year-old Frank Sinatra recovering from a bout
of pneumonia was apparently well enough last Saturday
to bet daughter Tina Sinatra that Mike Tyson would
defeat Evander Holyfield. Well, Tina made him pay the
ten dollars, although later he had his people rough
her up and take back the money.
Norm MacDonald: Well, just when you
Bob Dole: [from off screen] Wait a
Norm MacDonald: ... things couldn't get worse
for Bob Dole-- [Bob Dole enters to cheers and
applause, surprising Norm] Ohhh...
Bob Dole: Hi, Norm.
Norm MacDonald: [self-consciously] I was just,
I was just doing a--
Bob Dole: Yeah, I know that. You've had your
fun now, Norm, you're out of work!
Norm MacDonald: What? I thought I'd just do a
joke about you. I had a little joke--
Bob Dole: Well, you have been doing those. I've
been missing a lot of 'em, but, ah, your fun's over,
the election's over. Unless there's a recount, you're
out of work!
Norm MacDonald: Oh, no! Okay, well, I guess
that's it. Maybe we could go have a beer or something?
How'd that be?
Bob Dole: Be all right with me.
Norm MacDonald: All right! Bob Dole, everybody!
Good night, folks!
[Bob and Norm wave goodbye as the music and applause
kick in. The men shake hands as we dissolve to the
WEEKEND UPDATE graphic.]