Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

... Norm MacDonald
... Bob Dole

[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk, basking in the enthusiastic cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I'm Norm MacDonald and now the fake news! Our top story tonight:

Texaco Oil, reeling from the public outcry over racist remarks made by some of its top executives at a tape recorded meeting, today announced a dramatic change in company policy: No more tape recorded meetings!

Meanwhile, the U.S. Army is dealing with a scandal of its own, as dozens of female recruits have charged drill instructors with sexual harassment, intimidation, and even sexual assault. Analysts are calling it the best argument yet for gays in the military.

Attorney General Janet Reno has assembled a task force to determine whether federal campaign finance laws were violated by Democrats, Republicans, or both. Another task force will attempt to determine whether Attorney General Reno is a man, a woman, or both.

This week, in a secret ceremony in Australia, Michael Jackson was married for the second time. Asked what makes his new bride special, the King of Pop said, quote: "She has taught me about the power of imagination. Like imagining that a grown woman is a ten year old boy." [Mixed reactions from the crowd] ... You know he's a homosexual pedophile, right? You understand? [cheers and applause]

And, yes, it is true, Michael Jackson is going to be a father. Already, he has hired an entire staff of nannies, nurses and extra bodyguards, which hopefully will protect the child from Michael Jackson.

This weekend, veteran news anchorman David Brinkley apologized to Bill Clinton for an election night commentary in which he called the president, quote, "boring and uncreative." Admitted Brinkley: "There was certainly nothing uncreative about the way you moved Vince Foster's body." [mixed and mild reaction from the crowd] ... President's a murderer, you didn't know that?

Nicki Barcudas, a young woman whose wealthy family owns a chain of profitable restaurants in New York, has won twenty-three million dollars in the New York Lotto. This raises an interesting question: "Nicki Barcudas, will you marry me?"

O. J. Simpson was in a different courtroom this week, attempting to regain custody of his two children. In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, O. J. pointed out, quote: "Hey, they're still alive, aren't they?" ... [mixed, mild reaction, then some applause]

Demi Moore has wrapped filming on "GI Jane" in which she plays a Navy SEAL combat officer. Moore says that in contrast to other Hollywood portrayals of women in the military, her character will have giant breasts.

Wildlife officials in Maryland say that increased hunting will be necessary to control the state's black bear population. Gee, I wonder if hunting would be the answer if instead of overpopulation of black bears, there were an overpopulation of rich, old, white men. [Superimposed text reading "Applaud Now" flashes on the screen, Norm grins and nods as the audience applauds] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I wonder.

The New York City Transit Authority plans to put up signs in subway stations asking city residents to be more polite when getting on and off the subway. Most New Yorkers say the idea sounds great and that the new signs will make excellent urinals.

Doctors have discovered that deer hunters are at an unusually high risk for stress-related heart attacks. Also at high risk for stress-related heart attacks: deer!

In Washington D.C., reporter Alan Etter was doing a story on violence at a local high school when he was attacked and severely beaten by a gang of students. The assailants say they have nothing against the reporter, they just love irony.

Eighty-year-old Frank Sinatra recovering from a bout of pneumonia was apparently well enough last Saturday to bet daughter Tina Sinatra that Mike Tyson would defeat Evander Holyfield. Well, Tina made him pay the ten dollars, although later he had his people rough her up and take back the money.

Norm MacDonald: Well, just when you thought...

Bob Dole: [from off screen] Wait a minute!

Norm MacDonald: ... things couldn't get worse for Bob Dole-- [Bob Dole enters to cheers and applause, surprising Norm] Ohhh...

Bob Dole: Hi, Norm.

Norm MacDonald: [self-consciously] I was just, I was just doing a--

Bob Dole: Yeah, I know that. You've had your fun now, Norm, you're out of work!

Norm MacDonald: What? I thought I'd just do a joke about you. I had a little joke--

Bob Dole: Well, you have been doing those. I've been missing a lot of 'em, but, ah, your fun's over, the election's over. Unless there's a recount, you're out of work!

Norm MacDonald: Oh, no! Okay, well, I guess that's it. Maybe we could go have a beer or something? How'd that be?

Bob Dole: Be all right with me.

Norm MacDonald: All right! Bob Dole, everybody! Good night, folks!

[Bob and Norm wave goodbye as the music and applause kick in. The men shake hands as we dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATE graphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

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