Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 6
96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
… Norm MacDonald
… Bob Dole
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!
[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk, basking inthe enthusiastic cheers and applause.]Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonaldand now the fake news! Our top story tonight:
Texaco Oil, reeling from the public outcry over racistremarks made by some of its top executives at a taperecorded meeting, today announced a dramatic change incompany policy: No more tape recordedmeetings!
Meanwhile, the U.S. Army is dealing with a scandal ofits own, as dozens of female recruits have chargeddrill instructors with sexual harassment,intimidation, and even sexual assault. Analysts arecalling it the best argument yet for gays in themilitary.
Attorney General Janet Reno has assembled a task forceto determine whether federal campaign finance lawswere violated by Democrats, Republicans, or both.Another task force will attempt to determine whetherAttorney General Reno is a man, a woman, orboth.
This week, in a secret ceremony in Australia, MichaelJackson was married for the second time. Asked whatmakes his new bride special, the King of Pop said,quote: “She has taught me about the power ofimagination. Like imagining that a grown woman is aten year old boy.” [Mixed reactions from the crowd]… You know he’s a homosexual pedophile, right? Youunderstand? [cheers and applause]
And, yes, it is true, Michael Jackson is going to be afather. Already, he has hired an entire staff ofnannies, nurses and extra bodyguards, which hopefullywill protect the child from Michael Jackson.
This weekend, veteran news anchorman David Brinkleyapologized to Bill Clinton for an election nightcommentary in which he called the president, quote,”boring and uncreative.” Admitted Brinkley: “There wascertainly nothing uncreative about the way you movedVince Foster’s body.” [mixed and mild reaction fromthe crowd] … President’s a murderer, you didn’t knowthat?
Nicki Barcudas, a young woman whose wealthy familyowns a chain of profitable restaurants in New York,has won twenty-three million dollars in the New YorkLotto. This raises an interesting question: “NickiBarcudas, will you marry me?”
O. J. Simpson was in a different courtroom this week,attempting to regain custody of his two children. Inorder to prove to the court how much he loves hiskids, O. J. pointed out, quote: “Hey, they’re stillalive, aren’t they?” … [mixed, mild reaction, thensome applause]
Demi Moore has wrapped filming on “GI Jane” in whichshe plays a Navy SEAL combat officer. Moore says thatin contrast to other Hollywood portrayals of women inthe military, her character will have giantbreasts.
Wildlife officials in Maryland say that increasedhunting will be necessary to control the state’s blackbear population. Gee, I wonder if hunting would be theanswer if instead of overpopulation of black bears,there were an overpopulation of rich, old, white men.[Superimposed text reading “Applaud Now” flashes onthe screen, Norm grins and nods as the audienceapplauds] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I wonder.
The New York City Transit Authority plans to put upsigns in subway stations asking city residents to bemore polite when getting on and off the subway. MostNew Yorkers say the idea sounds great and that the newsigns will make excellent urinals.
Doctors have discovered that deer hunters are at anunusually high risk for stress-related heart attacks.Also at high risk for stress-related heart attacks:deer!
In Washington D.C., reporter Alan Etter was doing astory on violence at a local high school when he wasattacked and severely beaten by a gang of students.The assailants say they have nothing against thereporter, they just love irony.
Eighty-year-old Frank Sinatra recovering from a boutof pneumonia was apparently well enough last Saturdayto bet daughter Tina Sinatra that Mike Tyson woulddefeat Evander Holyfield. Well, Tina made him pay theten dollars, although later he had his people roughher up and take back the money.
Norm MacDonald: Well, just when youthought…
Bob Dole: [from off screen] Wait aminute!
Norm MacDonald: … things couldn’t get worsefor Bob Dole– [Bob Dole enters to cheers andapplause, surprising Norm] Ohhh…
Bob Dole: Hi, Norm.
Norm MacDonald: [self-consciously] I was just,I was just doing a–
Bob Dole: Yeah, I know that. You’ve had yourfun now, Norm, you’re out of work!
Norm MacDonald: What? I thought I’d just do ajoke about you. I had a little joke–
Bob Dole: Well, you have been doing those. I’vebeen missing a lot of ’em, but, ah, your fun’s over,the election’s over. Unless there’s a recount, you’reout of work!
Norm MacDonald: Oh, no! Okay, well, I guessthat’s it. Maybe we could go have a beer or something?How’d that be?
Bob Dole: Be all right with me.
Norm MacDonald: All right! Bob Dole, everybody!Good night, folks!
Submitted Anonymously
