99g: Christina Ricci / Beck
A Message From the President of the United States
President Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond
President Bill Clinton: Good evening, America. I'd like to speak to
you tonight, because this week the Bill Clinton presidency suffered a crisis
in leadership. It's been a bad week. First, this Chechnya thing's getting
me down. People keep asking me questions, like "What am I gonna do?" I
don't know! I mean, I don't have a position. And then I looked everywhere
for that new Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue - you know, the one with the
naked lady? I couldn't find it. And then, there was that thing up in
Seattle - that sucked! I mean, on the one hand I support free trade
and globalization; but on the other hand, I like pot-smoking hippies who
march in the street. I do! I always have! And, once again, I don't
know what my position is.. and then I thought about it, and then I remembered
my position - I.. don't.. have one!
I thought, maybe, you know, I'm not fit to run this country. Maybe I'm a bad
president. Maybe there are better people for the job. But then I saw
something that made me feel a whole lot better about myself. Did any of you
happen to see the Republican debate, up there in New Hampshire? [ laughs ]
Probably not. But I did! And it was a doozy! Man, the sparks flew! Check
these guys out.. [ file video of the six Republican candidates is shown ] I
haven't seen six men in dark suits look like that since.. "Reservoir Dogs"!
The Republican Party is back! Boy, yeah, ooh, I'm gonna vote for 'em
all! [ laughs ] Now, I am kidding here, but these guys were great.
Now, you all know how I feel about Al Gore. He's as dull as sober missionary
sex with someone you know. [ disgusted ] But, after watching that debate,
I do believe that in a Presidential Race, a dead mule could beat their top
mule. But since we don't have a dead mule, we'll have to go with Al Gore.
Let's take a closer look, for those you who may have missed the debate.
[ file video of John McCain ] First up: Senator John McCain, a war hero.
The man spent five years in a Vietnamese prisoner-of-war camp. The Viet Cong
had him for five years! Come on, people, didn't you see "The
Manucharian Candidate"? Well.. me neither.. but, remember "Naked Gun", when
Reggis Jackson was brainwashed to kill the Queen? Well, what if he was
brainwashed to kill the President, and he is the President! Think
about that the next time you're high.
[ file video of Orrin Hatch ] Well now, here's Orrin Hatch. He's a fine,
upstanding man, he's been in politics for a long time. But he has
one big problem: his name is "Orrin Hatch". "President Orrin Hatch"?
I mean, it sounds weird. You can't be president with a name like
[ file video of Steve Forbes ] What about Steve Forbes? Look at this man..
If this man sat next to you on a plane, you'd pretend you were sleeping.
[ laughs ] He looks crazy! Someone should ask him about marijuana.
I mean, he looks like someone at a 7-11 after a midnight showing of "Fritz
the Cat". You ever see that, staring at the Dolly Madison cakes for ten
minutes? [ laughs ]
[ file photo of Gary Bauer ] Now, this was the most confusing moment
of the debate. Who the hell is this guy?! He looks like a ventriloquist
doll. Does that scare you? It scares me.
[ file video of Alan Keyes ] "Oh, hello, I'm Alan Keyes, I'm running for
President, I think everyone's a racist, vote for me!"
[ file video of George W. Bush ] Then there's frontrunner George W. Bush.
How can we vote for this guy over Al Gore? Al Gore is a family man, a
clean, upright public servant. His whole life he's wanted to help people
and do good. Now, look at George Bush. He's evasive, he's not that smart,
he probably doesn't have any true convictions.. he's not saying it, but we
all know he probably spent years down there in Texas snorting everything
that came across the border. This man who claims to be a moral leader is
nothing more than a slow Southerner with a questionable past, who's afraid
to take a psoition on anything! [ realizes he's just described
himself ] I love this candidate! [ laughs ] I'm voting for him!
Screw Al Gore! I know what's right for this country, and it is
"Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"