Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 7

99g: Christina Ricci / Beck

A Message From the President of the United States

President Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond

President Bill Clinton: Good evening, America. I'd like to speak to you tonight, because this week the Bill Clinton presidency suffered a crisis in leadership. It's been a bad week. First, this Chechnya thing's getting me down. People keep asking me questions, like "What am I gonna do?" I don't know! I mean, I don't have a position. And then I looked everywhere for that new Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue - you know, the one with the naked lady? I couldn't find it. And then, there was that thing up in Seattle - that sucked! I mean, on the one hand I support free trade and globalization; but on the other hand, I like pot-smoking hippies who march in the street. I do! I always have! And, once again, I don't know what my position is.. and then I thought about it, and then I remembered my position - I.. don't.. have one!

I thought, maybe, you know, I'm not fit to run this country. Maybe I'm a bad president. Maybe there are better people for the job. But then I saw something that made me feel a whole lot better about myself. Did any of you happen to see the Republican debate, up there in New Hampshire? [ laughs ] Probably not. But I did! And it was a doozy! Man, the sparks flew! Check these guys out.. [ file video of the six Republican candidates is shown ] I haven't seen six men in dark suits look like that since.. "Reservoir Dogs"! The Republican Party is back! Boy, yeah, ooh, I'm gonna vote for 'em all! [ laughs ] Now, I am kidding here, but these guys were great. Now, you all know how I feel about Al Gore. He's as dull as sober missionary sex with someone you know. [ disgusted ] But, after watching that debate, I do believe that in a Presidential Race, a dead mule could beat their top mule. But since we don't have a dead mule, we'll have to go with Al Gore. Let's take a closer look, for those you who may have missed the debate.

[ file video of John McCain ] First up: Senator John McCain, a war hero. The man spent five years in a Vietnamese prisoner-of-war camp. The Viet Cong had him for five years! Come on, people, didn't you see "The Manucharian Candidate"? Well.. me neither.. but, remember "Naked Gun", when Reggis Jackson was brainwashed to kill the Queen? Well, what if he was brainwashed to kill the President, and he is the President! Think about that the next time you're high.

[ file video of Orrin Hatch ] Well now, here's Orrin Hatch. He's a fine, upstanding man, he's been in politics for a long time. But he has one big problem: his name is "Orrin Hatch". "President Orrin Hatch"? I mean, it sounds weird. You can't be president with a name like "Orrin Hatch"!

[ file video of Steve Forbes ] What about Steve Forbes? Look at this man.. If this man sat next to you on a plane, you'd pretend you were sleeping. [ laughs ] He looks crazy! Someone should ask him about marijuana. I mean, he looks like someone at a 7-11 after a midnight showing of "Fritz the Cat". You ever see that, staring at the Dolly Madison cakes for ten minutes? [ laughs ]

[ file photo of Gary Bauer ] Now, this was the most confusing moment of the debate. Who the hell is this guy?! He looks like a ventriloquist doll. Does that scare you? It scares me.

[ file video of Alan Keyes ] "Oh, hello, I'm Alan Keyes, I'm running for President, I think everyone's a racist, vote for me!"

[ file video of George W. Bush ] Then there's frontrunner George W. Bush. How can we vote for this guy over Al Gore? Al Gore is a family man, a clean, upright public servant. His whole life he's wanted to help people and do good. Now, look at George Bush. He's evasive, he's not that smart, he probably doesn't have any true convictions.. he's not saying it, but we all know he probably spent years down there in Texas snorting everything that came across the border. This man who claims to be a moral leader is nothing more than a slow Southerner with a questionable past, who's afraid to take a psoition on anything! [ realizes he's just described himself ] I love this candidate! [ laughs ] I'm voting for him! Screw Al Gore! I know what's right for this country, and it is "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

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