For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
November 12th, 1983
Teri Garr
Mick Fleetwood’s Zoo & Lindsey Buckingham
Joel Hodgson
Recurring Characters: Mister Robinson.
Recurring Characters: Dion Dion, Blaire.
Recurring Characters: Dwight MacNamara.
James Brown’s Celebrity Hot Tub Party
James Brown…..Eddie Murphy
Announcer: It’s James Brown’s Celebrity Hot Tub Party! And now, here he is – the Godfather of Soul, and hot tub man number one – James Brown!
[ James Brown dances onto the set surrounding his hot tub ]
James Brown: [ singing ]
“Sometimes it make me break out in a cold sweat!
One two three four!
Hot tub! Ha! Da!
Ah, full of water!
I say hot tub! Ha!
Day! Ba! Very, very hot. Very hot! Da!
Hot tub! Gonna get ya hot-a!
Gonna make ya sweat! Hey! Say!
Hot tub! Rub a dub in the hot tub!
Rub a dub with me!
Should I get in the hot tub?
(Yeah!)Will it make me sweat?
(Yeah!)Should I get in the hot tub?
(Yeah!)Will it make me wet?
(Yeah!)Well, well, well..
Hot tub! Ah!
Get in!
Gonna get in the water!
Gonna make me sweat! Ah!
Here I go in the hot tub!
Hhhhhiiiigggghhhh!!!
Too hot in the hot tub! Ma!
Burn myself!
Make it cooler!
Good God!
Gonna make me..
I’m gonna get in the hot tub..
I’m gonna get in the hot tub..
I’m gonna get in the hot tub..
Ha! Lilin! Lidilin! Eh!
A gonna make me sweat-ah!
Dah! Gonna make me sweat!
Gonna make me sweat-ah!
Dah! Gonna get me in the hot tub!
I can’t stand it!
Here I go! I can’t stand it!
Here I go in the hot tub!
Gonna get in the hot tub!
Gonna get it wet-ah!
Good God!
Hhhiiigggghhhhh!!! Ha!
Good God!
Rub a dub!
In the hot tub!
Rub a dub with me!
Good God!
Rub a dub in the hot tub!
Gonna set me free!”
Don’t go away, we’ll be right back with more “Celebrity Hot Tub!”
Announcer: Coming up next: Dr. Joyce Brothers joins James Brownon “Celebrity Hot Tub!”
Thanks to Jeffrey Neaufor this transcript.
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
November 5th, 1983
Betty Thomas
Stray Cats
None
Recurring Characters: Jesse Jackson.
Recurring Characters: Havnagootiim Vishnuuerheer.
Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan.
Recurring Characters: Gumby.
Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan.
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
October 22nd, 1983
John Candy
Men At Work
None
Recurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky.
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
October 15th, 1983
Danny DeVito
Rhea Perlman
Eddy Grant
Dick Cavett
Recurring Characters: Mister Robinson.
Recurring Characters: Frank Sinatra, Dion Dion.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 9: Episode 1
83a: Brandon Tartikoff / John Cougar
NBC: Be There
Announcer…Joe Piscopo (v/o)
[FADE IN on red letter NBC graphic, with grey background dotted with miniature peacocks as per the 1983 NBC promo graphics]
Announcer: This fall, NBC is getting tough on the competition! Did we say competition? [fade to stills with various show titles and photos] T.J. Hooker? Hotel? Goodnight Beantown? That’s not competition, that’s a load of crap! [fade to candle in book-lined study, pan right to minister sitting in chair reading the Bible] You’d have to be crazy to watch it, or a godless Communist. Right, Reverend?
Rev. Luther Woodhead: [removes glasses, SUPER: “REV. LUTHER WOODHEAD. CHAIRMAN, GOOD CHRISTIANS FOR BETTER TELEVISION”] Anyone who watches Hotel this year on ABC is condemning his soul to eternal damnation! [puts glasses back on and resumes reading]
Announcer: Reason enough to watch NBC, but don’t take our word for it, ask your docton. [fade to doctor standing in operating room]
Doctor: [closes clipboard, SUPER: “A DOCTOR”] As I tell all my patients, CBS’s new fall schedule is a leading cause of heart disease in America.
[fade to NBC peacock ‘Be There’ graphic]
Announcer: NBC. Watch us, or die and go to Hell!
[applause and fade]
Submitted by: Larchman
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 9: Episode 1
83a: Brandon Tartikoff / John Cougar
Goodnights
…Brandon Tartikoff
Brandon Tartikoff: You know, when I first said that I was going to do this show, and they publicized it that ‘The Boss’ was going to be on Saturday Night Live, there was a lot of disappointment when Bruce Springsteen didn’t show up, but I’m glad I was here, I’m glad I did it. Thanks to Roger Ebert, Gene Siskel, and this wonderful cast! Thank you!
Gary Kroeger: Goodbye!
[Mary Gross kisses and embraces Brandon. Joe Piscopo carries his son Joey on his shoulders as Gary does the same with Julia Louis-Dreyfus.]
Submitted by: Larchman
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 9: Episode 1
83a: Brandon Tartikoff / John Cougar
Feln’s Discount Food and Clothing Warehouse
Herb Feln…Joe Piscopo
[FADE IN on warehouse. Herb Feln is standing behind a desk with various items of clothing strewn about. In front of the desk, a selection of produce. Behind Feln, a few racks of clothing and signs on the wall, some reading “FELN’S DISCOUNT FOOD AND CLOTHING WAREHOUSE”, “95% GUARANTEE, 5% POLYESTER”, “E-Z CREDIT TERMS UNAVAILABLE” Feln is wearing a red jacket and loud tie]
Herb Feln: Hi, Herb Feln here, for Feln’s Discount Food and Clothing, 3535 North on Milwaukee Avenue. Well, it’s inventory time, and are we overstocked! You’ve caught us with our warehouse full of pants down! Yes, down, up, and halfway to Cleveland! All our designer fashions! All our fresh, delicious produce! Everything must go to make room for more, and are we willing to deal!
Take a look at this three piece outfit! [grabs items one by one] Shirt, bowtie, and ski glove! All made right here in America and guaranteed for the life of the garment, whichever comes first! Or how about this: [grabs more items one by one] Matching T-shirt and pomegranate! Take two! Take three! Take two! The more you buy, the more you have! And who can resist this: [grabs more items one by one] boxer shorts, kneepads, and concord grapes! [shakes grapes loose] Is that a combo or what? You tell us! Just take the shorts and the grapes! [throws grapes at camera, some juice splatters on the lens] At Feln’s, you’re the customer! [drops shorts]
Hey! What do we have here? [reaches behind desk, picks up hanger] First quality, top-of-the-line sleeveless dinner jackets! Aaaand inside each one, grapefruit from Florida! One in each pocket! [tosses it aside, sotto voce] Believe me, there’s another one in there… [normal pitch voice] You won’t be able to tell the difference! Need socks? Who doesn’t? Seven for a dollar! [picks up socks] That’s three and a half complete pairs for one dollar! [tosses socks, picks up avocados] Avocados, avocados, avocados! [does Crazy Eddie-esque hand gesture] Can you ever have enough? Buy two, get a shoe! [holds up black shoe] Buy four, get one more! [holds up non-matching tan shoe] Yes, a- a spare shoe for the office and the train! [thumps black shoe] Can you afford to be without one? [thumps to the next words] You tell us!
[by now, Feln is tossing random bits of food toward the camera] And remember! Remember you have Feln’s Food and Clothing Warehouse’s guarantee! You must, we repeat, you must [Joe Piscopo begins to break character] be absolutely delighted with our prices, or you’ll know why! How’s that for fair? [stifling laughter as “FELN’S DISCOUNT FOOD AND CLOTHING WAREHOUSE” graphic superimposes on lower half of screen] Feln’s Discount Food and Clothing Warehouse! Warehouse is our last name!
[applause and fade as Feln continues to toss food toward the camera dodging some being thrown back at him]
Submitted by: Larchman
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
October 8th, 1983
Brandon Tartikoff
John Cougar
Gene Siskel
Roger Ebert
Recurring Characters: Doug Whiner, Wendy Whiner.
Recurring Characters: Gumby.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 9: 1983-1984
]]>
Starring:
Episodes
SummaryA long-time habit of “Saturday Night Live” has been to employ up-and-coming personalities as their hosts, but Dick Ebersol planned a different strategy for the 1983 season. Straying from their usual host selections, “SNL” recruiteded many older generation stars to become hosts – stars like Jerry Lewis, Flip Wilson and Don Rickles. Of the up-and-coming personalities, comedian Robin Williams makes his hosting debut, and future castmember Billy Crystal probably enjoyed hosting so much that he just had to come back to be on the show each week. Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo perform their final sketches this season (after the death of Buckwheat, what’s left to do?), as does everyone else from the 1981 cast – with the exception of Mary Gross, who must have thought she would get to do more sketches with Murphy and Piscopo far away from the cameras.