Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Talk Back

Frank Noland…..Buck Henry
Announcer…..Dan Aykroyd
Mrs. Noland…..Gilda Radner

[Frank Noland, loud, hard-hitting host of TV call-intalk show, sits in front of a white brick wall andaddresses the camera.]

Frank Noland: Good evening. I’m Frank Noland. And thisis “Talk Back”!

[Cut to the “Talk Back” logo, then pull back to revealFrank Noland sitting beneath it at a table lined withten black telephones. He smokes a cigarette as funky1970s-era theme music and a tough-talking announcerset the scene.]

Announcer: Talk Back! Frank Noland talks to you, thepublic! You, the public, talk to Frank Noland! Helistens! Talk back to Frank Noland and he’ll talk backto you!

Frank Noland: Tonight’s topic is “Federally SupportedMunicipal Bonds — Yes or No?” I’m Frank Noland and Iwant you to talk to me about federally supportedmunicipal bonds. Call me now at one of these toll-freenumbers: Eight zero-zero, five-five-five,three-three-one-zero — one-one, one-two, one-three,one-four, one-five, one-six, one-seven, one-eight andone-nine! [pause] That topic, once again: “FederallySupported Municipal Bonds — Yes or No?” Call me nowand let me know how you feel. Those numbers, onceagain, are: eight zero-zero, five-five-five,three-three-one-zero — one-one, one-two, one-three,one-four, one-five, one-six, one-seven, one-eight andone-nine!

[a long pause, Frank takes a deep drag onhis cigarette, the phones do not ring]

Yes, we’re talking about federally supported municipal bonds!Say, is it a federal problem? Is it a state problem?Is it – is it a combination of federal and stateproblems? Is it YOUR problem? Is it OUR problem? Whydon’t you give me a ring and talk back to me, FrankNoland? The operators ARE standing by! [another longpause, Frank grabs a glass of water and takes a sip,he looks at the silent row of phones, looksuncomfortable] This … is Frank Noland. And our firsttopic tonight is, and has been “Federally SupportedMunicipal Bonds — Yes or No?” Hey! But that’s not theonly issue I’m prepared to talk about tonight. How’bout this one? “Forced Busing — Yes or No?” Huh? I’msure you have as many things to say about forcedbusing as I do. I’m Frank Noland and I’m prepared totalk back to you! And those numbers, once again, areeight zero-zero, five-five-five, three-three-one-zero– one-one, one-two, one-three, one-four, one-five,one-six, one-seven, one-eight and one-nine! Andthey’re TOLL-FREE! Totally toll-free!

[another long pause, Frank takes another drag and impatiently taps his pack of cigarettes on the table]

Let’s run over those burning issues once again, shall we? They are, one, “Federally Supported Municipal Bonds” and, two,”Forced Busing”! Remember, toll-free! Totally free!You pay nothing here. We pay for the entire call.[phone rings once, Frank reaches for phone] And here’sour first on “Talk Back” right now!

[Frank puts his hand on the phone and freezes as he realizes that it has stopped ringing — another pause, Frank lets go ofthe phone and puts his hand to his head – he’s gettingdesperate]

Here’s another issue that may interest you: “Soviet Communism — Let’s Give It a Chance”! I’ll bet there are some of you who have opinions on this one. That’s Soviet Communism here — here and now! Here, in this country, in your own community. I guess there areplenty of good, red-blooded Americans out there who’ll have a little something to say about that. And, if there are, and you want to talk back to me, Frank Noland, I’m prepared to talk back to you! Maybe you forgot to make a note of those numbers. The numbersagain are eight zero-zero, five-five-five,three-three-one-zero — one-one, one-two, one-three,one-four, one-five, one-six, one-seven, one-eight andone-nine. And I’m ready to talk back on these sametopics: Federally Supported Municipal Bonds, ForcedBusing, and “Soviet Communism Here and Now”! I, FrankNoland, am ready to talk back to you in support ofspending federal funds to bus known Soviet Communistsinto your community now — to teach your children andto live in your house, whether you like it or not!Now, if anyone has another position, and it’s yourright as an American to disagree, give me a call onone of these toll-free lines. Call me collect! I’llanswer and I’ll talk back to– I’ll talk. I–

[pause, Frank puts an unlit cigarette in his mouth, thinks fora moment, then leans forward intently]

How ’bout this? “Killing Puppies — It Doesn’t Bother Me” … That’s me, Frank Noland, and I LIKE dead puppies! Frankly,I’m totally in favor of using federally supportedmunicipal bonds to pay for forced busing of SovietCommunists to come into your homes to kill yourpuppies! Give me a call, won’t you? The lines areopen. Tell ME what you think about it. [lights hiscigarette, mumbles to himself] Dead, mangled puppies… I like ’em …

[starting to lose it]

Okay. While you’re thinking about THOSE topics, here are a half a dozen others which I, Frank Noland, am personally infavor of. “Adolf Hitler — Boy, Do We Need Him Now”!Huh? What about that? Hey, “Incest — I Practice It,Why Don’t You?” Give me a call. Talk to me about it.[A sympathetic woman enters and joins Frank] “NoToilets for the Blind”? Call me! Call me, if you’rewatching! And, and–

Mrs. Noland: Frank? Frank, honey?

Frank Noland: “The Ozone Layer — Let’s Get Rid ofIt”!

Mrs. Noland: Frank, honey. Honey, let’s go home.

Frank Noland: How ’bout “Suicide — Fun for theElderly”? [The sympathetic woman gently guides Frankout of his chair and offscreen] I– I– What happened?Nobody called. I don’t understand it. What about nuns?We could do something about nuns… [As they exit,funky theme music begins and we zoom in on the “TalkBack” logo.]

Announcer: Join us again tomorrow on “Talk Back”!Frank Noland talks to the public! You, the public,talk to Frank Noland! He listens on “Talk Back”!

[Dissolve to the applauding audience. Asuperimposition reads: COMING UP NEXT: NEW HOPE FORTHE TERMINALLY CURIOUS]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Samurai Tailor

Samurai Futaba…..John Belushi
Mr. Dantley…..Buck Henry

[ open on interior, tailor shop, as the Samurai screams while sticking pins in a mannequin and measuring its clothes ]

[ finally, the Samurai whips out his sword and slices the expressionless head off of the mannequin ]

Announcer: And now, another episode of “Samurai Tailor”!

[ suddenly, Mr. Dantley enters ]

Mr. Dantley: Hi! How you doing? [ the Samurai grunts ] I’m here for the second fitting of the tuxedo. [ the Samurai looks at him suspiciously ] You know. I’m the guy who’s getting married? And, tonight’s… the big night! [ he nudges the Samurai’s shoulder ]

[ understanding, the Samurai “oohs” and slides his sword out of its sheath a couple of times ]

Mr. Dantley: We’re all set. I told you about my fiancee, didn’t I? She’s a GREAT girl, you’d LOVE her. But, between you and me, I’m a little nervous.

[ the Samurai looks up curiously, as he cuts a sheet by tearing it between his teeth ]

Mr. Dantley: It sounds crazy, doesn’t it? [ the Samuai nods ] I’m gonna go through with it. I don’t care. Hey! I’ve gotta have that tuxedo. Is it ready? ‘Cause you promised. The black one, uh, 36 short. [ the Samurai strains to recall ] Oh! I almost forgot. Here’s the ticket. [ he pulls the ticket out of his pocket and hands it to the Samurai ]

[ the Samurai reacts joyously and smacks himself in the forehead, then screams in pain. He looks at sme tuxedos on the wall, poiting to each wrong color as Mr. Dantley says “No”, then screams when he finds the correct tuxedo and chops the hangar off the wall with his sword. ]

Mr. Dantley: Yeah! That’s the one! Anyway… marital bliss. I guess I’ll really find out how blissful it is, huh?

[ the Samurai chuckles to himself as he helps put the tuxedo on Mr. Dantley ]

Mr. Dantley: You know, it’s a shame — it’s a shame you didn’t have more material, because it would be GREAT to have a vest. sort of a French-cut fancy vest in this Ricardo Montalban style, you know?

Samurai: Montalban?!

Mr. Dantley: Montalban.

Samurai: Montalban?!

Mr. Dantley: Montalban. [ he exits into the dressing room ]

Samurai: [ to himself ] Mont-al-ban!

[ thinking, the Samurai pulls on a roll of fabric, then whips out his sword and slices a swatch of fabric off the roll. Hethen tosses the fabric into the air and swipes his sword at it as it falls to the floor. He picks it off the floor, and there is fancy Montalban vest. Mr. Dantley returns, and is impressed. ]

Mr. Dantley: Hey! That’s incredible! That’s gorgeous. You do some fast work. Now this is some service! Shall I give it a shot? [ the Samurai helps put the vest on Mr. Dantley ] I should have sent all the ushers to you! [ the Samurai laughs ] This is going to be some reception, I’m telling you.

[ the Samurai grunts as he helps put the outer tuxedo on Mr. Dantley ]

Mr. Dantley: Anyway… it looks terrific so far. [ he stands on a base for the final fitting ] Wow… this is going to cost some money. I mean, there’s 75 couples coming. But, her old man is paying — what do I care? [ the Samurai laughs ]

[ the Samurai kneels down and measures Mr. Dantley’s inseam, then grunts ]

Mr. Dantley: No, to the left.

[ the Samurai measures the left inseam ]

Mr. Dantley: Hey, uh — uh, there’s something wrong with these sleeves. [ the Samurai grunts ] Well, I asked for one button, and there’s six buttons on each sleeve. I mean, that’s five buttons too many. [ the Samurai looks shocked and disappointed ] I distinctly said ONE button. [ the Samurai steps away, hurt ] Yeah, one! [ the Samurai screams ] ONE!

[ the Samurai falls to his knees and pulls out his sword for hari-kari ]

Mr. Dantley: Oh, no, no! Wait a minute! Don’t take it seriously!

[ Mr. Dantley stops the Samurai, who appears to be relieved ]

Mr. Dantley: It’s not that important, uh… let me take a look. [ he looks into a full-length mirror ] It’s not bad — well, six. It seems a little much, still, though… [ the Samurai points ] Yeah.

[ the Samurai takes his position, then swings his sword upwards to slice off the extra buttons, which go flying through the air ]

Mr. Dantley: [ pleased ] Ah. Yeah.

[ the Samurai’s sword is locked into position, so Mr. Dantley helps to loosen his arm ]

Mr. Dantley: Anyway… uh… let’s see. I didn’t mean to talk harshly back there, but a guy wants to look his best at hids wedding, because you only want to get married once — at least, I hope so. [ the Samurai chuckles ] Now… the first time I was here, I think I asked for a center vent in the back. I don’t really see it.

[ the Samurai grunts, then whips his sword downward and splits a vent down the back of Mr. Dantley’s tuxedo ]

Mr. Dantley: Very nice! Ah, thanks. Well, I guess that’s okay. Anyway… enough partying, I’ve found the right girl, I’m all set, I couldn’t be happier. The suit is wonderful! There’s just one thing that would make me a little bit happier. Uh — about the pants. [ the Samurai looks ] There’s no fly. [ the Samurai grins ] I mean… this is my wedding night. [ the Samurai nods and points ] Yeah.

[ willing to please his customer, the Samurai steps back, throws up his sword and screams as he makes his ai mfor Mr. Dantley’s fly ]

[ freeze-frame ]

Announcer: Tune in NEXT week, for another episode of… “Samurai Tailor”!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Gordon Lightfoot performs “Spanish Moss”

…..Gordon Lightfoot
…..Buck Henry
Futaba…..John Belushi

Buck Henry: Once again, here’s Gordon Lightfoot.

Gordon Lightfoot:
“Let go darling, I can feel the night wind call.
Think I’d better go,
I like you more than half as much
As I love your Spanish moss.

Spanish moss, a-hanging down
sweeter than the southern love we’ve found.
Spanish moss, keeps on following my thoughts around.
Georgia pine and Ripple wine
kisses mixed with moonshine and red clay
Spanish moss, wish you knew what I was saying.
So I’m rolling north thinking
of the way things might have been
if she and I could have changed it all somehow.

[ break ]

Spanish moss, a-hanging down
lofty as the sycamore you’ve found,
Spanish moss keeps on following my thoughts around.
Georgia pine and Ripple wine
memories of Savannah summertime.
Spanish moss, wish you knew what I was saying.

So I’m rolling north thinking
of the way things might have beenif she and I could have changed it all somehow.

Let go darling, I can feel the night wind call
the devil take the cost.
I like the way your kisses flow
and I love your Spanish moss.”

[ the audience applauds, as Lightfoot bows to them ]

[ Lightfoot and his band then begin to strum the opening chords to “Sundown”, as buck Henry rushes onto the stage ]

Buck Henry: Excuse me. I’m sorry, Gordon. But I thought I explained to you that I wanted — uh, we’re only gonna do two songs.

Gordon Lightfoot: Well, we thought that things were going so well, that, maybe, we could, uh, do an extra song.

[ the audience cheers ]

Buck Henry: Hey, look, I’m sorry, folks. I hate ot be a pain, but we really have to go on with the show. I’m gonna have to say no.

Gordon Lightfoot: But, look, we get it on the air, we came all the way from Toronto —

Buck Henry: Hey, look, now you’re beginning to irritate me. [ snaps his fingers and nods off-camera ]

[ Futaba rushes onto the stage shouting in faux Japanese, as a close-up reveals him plucking the strings of Lightfoot’s guitar with a pair of plyers ]

Gordon Lightfoot: Oh, hey!

[ Lightfoot is stunned as Futaba bows and Buck Henry stands triumphantly to the side ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Gordon Lightfoot performs “Summertime Dream”

…..Buck Henry
…..Gordon Lightfoot

[ fade in on Buck Henry standing at the musical guest’s microphone ]

Buck Henry: [ burps, still eating the props from the Dell Strator sketch ] Mmm.. fresh roasted toad – fantastic. [ wipes his mouth ] And here’s something else that’s fantastic. all the way from Canada – here is Gordon Lightfoot.

[ Gordon Lightfoot steps up the microphone with hus guitar, as Buck Henry steps aside ]

Gordon Lightfoot:
“Where the road runs down by the butternut grove
To old Bill Skinner’s stream,
Do tell at the noonday bell,
It’s time for a summertime dream.

In a lunch pail town in a one-horse way,
You can live like a king and queen.
Let’s steal away in the noonday sun,
It’s time for a summertime dream.

Birds in all creation will be twittering in the trees
And down below’s a pond I know,
You can swim in it if you please.

So, if you come round when the mill shuts down,
You can see what chivalry means.
Let’s steal away in the noonday sun,
It’s time for a summertime dream.

[ break ]

On a trip on down to wonderland
In love among the flowers
Where time gets lost with no straw boss
Tallying up the hours.

Where the road runs down by the butternut grove
To old Bill Skinner’s stream,
Do tell at the noonday bell,
It’s time for a summertime dream.

[ break ]

Birds in all creation will be twittering in the trees
And down below’s a pond I know,
You can swim in it if you please.

The road runs down by the butternut grove
To old Bill Skinner’s stream,
Do tell at the noonday bell,
It’s time for a summertime dream.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Michael O’Donoghue’s Tony Orlando Impression

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

…..Buck Henry
…..Michael O’Donoghue

Buck Henry: [stands before a red curtain] A couple ofmonths ago when I was on the show, it was my pleasureto introduce to America one of the most remarkablytalented performers it’s been my pleasure to see insome time. I discovered him in a little club downtownin New York and, you know, impressionists come and go.We – we all know who they are, and we know thecharacters that they portray and – and – But – butthis guy, this fella does impressions that are unlikeany other. They’re imaginative, they’re original, uh,and I think you are going to enjoy, as much as I’vealways enjoyed, the immense, fascinating talents ofMr. Michael O’Donoghue!

[Applause. Music. Buck Henry applauds and exits to theleft as Michael O’Donoghue, perhaps better known as”Mr. Mike,” enters from the right in a garish paisleytuxedo with a large bow-tie. He is a thin,bespectacled, bearded gentleman in his mid-thirtiesaccompanied by two attractive young African-Americanwomen.]

Michael O’Donoghue: Thank you, thank you. And thankyou, Buck. I’m gonna just name a few groups or teamsof people: Burns and Allen, Ginger Rogers and FredAstaire, the Andrews Sisters, the Marx Brothers,Ferrante and Teicher, Alfred Lunt and Lynne Fontanne.Now, what do all these people have in common? I mean,of course, they’re all exciting entertainers, I know,but – but something deeper than that. Each of them hasa special magic power, a power to reach out and touchnot just the minds of the people for whom they’reperforming … but their hearts as well. Today, in1976, nobody fits that description better than Mr.Tony Orlando and Dawn. [Applause.] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah![O’Donoghue applauds. Applause ends.] I happen tocatch their show last week and a funny thoughtoccurred to me. I thought, what if someone took steelneedles, say, um, fifteen, eighteen inches long –with real sharp points — and plunged them into TonyOrlando — and Dawn’s — eyes. What would theirreaction be? I think it might go something like this …

[O’Donoghue and the two women turn their backs tothe camera and, after a pause, they clutch their eyes,screaming, shrieking at the top of their lungs,staggering, collapsing to the floor, writhing aroundon the stage in front of the red curtain, kicking,trying to get up and then falling, dropping to theirknees in agony, etc.]

[Applause. Fade to black. The band plays some relatively sedate music over a photo of Jane Curtin and Buck Henry reviewing a script. After holding on this for a while, we dissolve back toO’Donoghue and friends writhing around on the stage athome base, hollering, hands clutched to their eyes.The red curtain is gone. Buck Henry jumps over one ofthe prostrate women and approaches the camera:]

Buck Henry: Thank you all very much. Remember, nextweek, Elliott Gould — watch him breeze right throughthe security guard. Thank you, Gordon Lightfoot. He’dplay another song but he only owns one guitar. Thankall of you for coming. And we’ll see you sometime whenthis mess gets cleared up. [gestures to the threepeople on the floor behind him; the band plays theclosing theme as members of the cast join Henry onstage; the credits roll; Gilda Radner hugs and kissesHenry; Chevy Chase and Garrett Morris rush to help theimpressionists to their feet; Henry kisses Jane Curtinand gets a pat on the back from John Belushi; the castlifts Henry up onto Belushi’s shoulders; cast andaudience wave good night as Don Pardo earns hispaycheck:]

Don Pardo: Our host next Saturday night will beElliott Gould. This is the voice of Don Pardo comingfrom the mouth of Don Pardo, triggered by the brain ofDon Pardo, adapted from a short story by Don Pardo,and stolen from an idea by Johnny Olsen. Stay tuned asPaul Anka plays host to “Superstars” premieringtonight. Good night!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Peter Lemon Moodring
..written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Announcer…..Michael O’Donoghue
Peter Lemon Moodring…..Chevy Chase

[ open on cocktail lounge singer Peter Lemon Moodring sitting on a stool, drinking a Scotch out of the same hand that holds a lit cigarette ]

[ SUPER: “Peter Lemon Moodring” ]

Announcer: Peter Lemon Moodring. The ultimate love-rock experience.

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ] “When Sunny gets blue-ue-ue..”

[ Peter’s face and hands turn a dark shade of blue as he sings ]

Announcer: Yes, when “Sunny Gets Blue”, Peter gets blue, too. A haunting, ultra-marine blue that reflects Peter’s intense inner thoughts on life. A life that is gay, exciting, and yet, sometimes, a little lonely.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to a shade of yellow as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ]
“Tie a yellow ribbon ’round that ole oak tree-ee-ee
It’s the same oak tree-ee-ee –“

Announcer: But the mood brightens, and Peter turns a rich canary-yellow. He’s just happy to be working, and you’ll be happy watching him work.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to a shade of tangerine as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ] “Tang-er-iiiiiiine!”

Announcer: Turning the color of his favorite leisure suit, Peter imagines himself out on the town, a Broadway show, an intimate dinner for two, and all the sangria he can drink. Here’s looking at you, Peter.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to a shade of ruby as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ]
“Rubyyyyyyy
Ruby, you’re such a dreeeeeeeam –“

Announcer: Curl up, get cozy as the mood mellows, and Peter glows like the embers of a dying fire. Warm, relaxed, sensual – he’s in touch with his emotions, and his emotions are sure to touch you.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to black as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ]
“Black is black!
I want my baby back.
Black! Black!”

Announcer: It’s no use trying to hide your real feelings – not when you’re Peter Lemon Moodring, and you’ve lsot your baby. He’s one man who you can judge by the color of his skin.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to the full colors of the rainbow as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ]
“Some-wherrrrrre, over the rainboooooow
Way up hiiiiiigh –“

Announcer: But the storm passes, as storms always do, and Peter bursts into a kaleidoscope of color, spanning the full spectrum of human emotions. Don’t leave yourcamera home, because he’s a sight you’ll want to share with your granchildren.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to lines of red, white and blue as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ] “Three cheers for the red, white and blue –“

Announcer: And three cheers for Peter Lemon Moodring, for a bicentennial salute that puts Old Glory herself to shame.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to combined shades of red and gold as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ]
“The falling leeeeeaves
Drift past my window –“

Announcer: Peter Lemon Moodring. Coming soon to a cocktail lounge near you.

[ SUPER: “Peter Lemon Moodring” ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ] “– leeeeeaves.. of red.. and gooooooooold.”

Announcer: Color him.. unforgettable.

[ Peter’s face and hands return to normal, as he places his cigarette in his mouth and smiles smugly at the camera ]

[ dissolve to an audience member clapping. The camera zooms down, as the joke card appears late on the screen. ]

[ SUPER: “Beautiful When Angry” ]

[ too late – the camera is already halfway down to the Samurai Tailor sketch ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Buck Henry’s Monologue

…..John Belushi
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Jane Curtin
Security Guard…..George Coe
…..Buck Henry
…..Howard Shore

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Buck Henry!

[ the offstage house band continues to play the main theme, but Buck Henry doesn’t come down the basement stairs to perform his monologue. The audience applauds in anticipation, quieting down only when the band finally commences. A stagehand sticks his head into frame, waves his hands, poits toward the back of the set and runs in that direction. He peeks up the stairs, but shrugs; Buck Henry is a no-show. The stagehand calls a robed and shaded John Belushi to the stage. ]

John Belushi: What?

Stagehand: Buck’s not here.

John Belushi: Buck’s not here?

Stagehand: Buck’s not here.

John Belushi: What do you want me to do?

Stagehand: Open the show.

John Belushi: Open the show?

Stagehand: Open the show.

[ the stagehand rushes off, as Belushi takes center stage to thunderous applause. Lorne Michaels approaches Belushi on stage. ]

John Belushi: Buck’s not here, Lorne. Where is Buck, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: He’s not here.

John Belushi: He’s not here?

Lorne Michaels: Uh.. he was here for dress rehearsal.

John Belushi: Yes, I know that.

Lorne Michaels: He hasn’t come back, I don’t know where he is.

John Belushi: You don’t know — he was here for dress? Where is he?

Lorne Michaels: What you’ll have to do is, you’ll just have to host until he gets here.

John Belushi: Host, until he gets here? Okay.

[ Lorne Michaels rushes off stage to the hallway, leaving Belushi alone on stage ]

John Belushi: Uh.. well, I’m the host this week, uh.. for the show, I guess.. uh.. and, uh.. I’d like to do a few numbers —

[ cut to Lorne rushing down the hallway ]

Lorne Michaels: We haven’t found Buck.

Jane Curtin: What?

Lorne Michaels: I don’t know where he is. He hasn’t come back. I don’t know. He went for cigarettes, or something, like — he said something about — a hamburger? No.

[ Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner and Laraine Newman follow Lorne down the hall. They are, of course, dressed in costumes they won’t actually wear during the live show, except for laraine who’s still dressed as she was in the cold opening. ]

Jane Curtin: A hamburger? He said he’d be right back!

Lorne Michaels: I’ll find Buck. Go back there and help John.

[ the girls begin to complain simultaneously ]

Lorne Michaels: Well, I can’t help that! I don’t know.. I don’t know..

Jane Curtin: Well, can you do something?

Lorne Michaels: [ stops at elevator, speaks into an intercom ] Meet me downstairs.

Jane Curtin: What do I do?

Lorne Michaels: John is onstage, he’s hosting tonight?

Girls: John is onstage? Alone?!

Lorne Michaels: I’ll find Buck Go back and help John.

[ cut back to John Belushi at Home Base ]

John Belushi: — A few things I don’t like about this show myself, you know? I mean, they throw people out there. They don’t have anything to do, the host is late, who the hell knows what’s going on? I don’t know what’s going on! You know? Cheap jokes, folks! [ trips himself and stumbles tothe floor; the audience cheers ]

[ cut to the main lobby, 30 Rockefeller Center. Buck Henry, holding a newspaper, is in a heated argument with a security guard, who fails to recognize him and is refusing him entrance into the building. ]

Lorne Michaels: Excuse me. This is Buck Henry – he’s the host of this week’s show.

Security Guard: Wait a minute. Excuse me, sir. Excuse me, sir. The host of the show is a star. This man is not a star! This is not no Ray-quel Welch. This is no Candice Bergen. This isn’t even Elliot Gould! What are you telling me?

Lorne Michaels: This man — this is the host of this week’s show.

Buck Henry: I’ve been going in and out all week!

Lorne Michaels: All week.

Security Guard: May I ask you a question? May I ask you a question, sir?! I’ve never seen this man before! Have I ever heard of you before, sir?

Buck Henry: Look, I gotta go —

[ Buck rushes forward, but the security guard stands and grabs Buck by the shoulders ]

Security Guard: Listen, let’s not get physical!

Lorne Michaels: Please.

Security Guard: Who are you, sir? Who are you, sir?

Lorne Michaels: I am the producer of the “Saturday Night” show.

Security Guard: Alright, sir. I am the guard of the security desk. You’re responsible for going upstairs.

Buck Henry: Yes, he is!

Lorne Michaels: Yes.

Buck Henry: We’re on the air right now.

Lorne Michaels: I’m telling you, we’re on the air right now.

Security Guard: This man does not have a pass!

Buck Henry: I have a pass! I left it upstairs, in my clothes in the dressing room!

Security Guard: May I see your identification, please, sir?

Lorne Michaels: I have my identifiction right here. [ pulls out his badge and shows it to the security guard ]

Security Guard: Alright, thank you very much.

Lorne Michaels: Okay?

Security Guard: Okay. Alright, Mr. Mitchell, you may go upstairs.

Lorne Michaels: No, no, no, no. It’s Michaels.

Buck Henry: Henry is my name.

Lorne Michaels: Buck Henry is the star of this week’s show, okay? He’s coming with me.

Security Guard: The man – the man may not pass without a pass!

Lorne Michaels: Can you call someone, please?

Security Guard: I’m sorry, sir. I’m only following orders.

Buck Henry: It’s upstairs in the dressing room, I’ll bring it down to you later.

Lorne Michaels: Honestly, he is the host of this week’s show. I will take responsibility for him. Okay? I’m Lorne Michaels, I’m the producer of the show —

Security Guard: You’ll take responsibility for him?

Lorne Michaels: Yes, I will. [ walks toward the elevators with Buck in tow ]

Security Guard: Alright, sir, let it be on your head!

[ the elevator doors close, as the security guard picks up a red phone ]

Security Guard: Harry? It’s Main Desk Security. A couple of very peculiar guys just went upstairs. Yeah, some guy, Myers, says he’s the producer? And he’s got Buck Jones — I don’t know. Buck Owens. A little beady-eyed guy. I don’t know what they’re doing. He’s in there to give somebody a karate chop – that’s all we need.

[ cut to the halls of Studio 8-H, as Lorne and Buck step out the elevator and head for the studio ]

Lorne Michaels: Buck, how can I apologize for him? This has never happened to a host before.

Buck Henry: 2,000 miles, I flew —

Lorne Michaels: I’m sorry. I did the very best I can.

Buck Henry: Insane.

Lorne Michaels: This man, John Belushi, is on stage now.

Buck Henry: We could have left a picture of me downstairs — what do you mean he’s on stage?

Lorne Michaels: But I can’t quit. This man is obviously new to Security. Now, John is doing, is doing very well —

Buck Henry: [ offended ] What do you mean he’s doing very well?

Lorne Michaels: Well —

[ they enter the studio, where Belushi is delivering some sort of triumphant monologue ]

John Belushi: — melting Bobbitt’s teeth. Instead of melting Bobbitt’s teeth to frighten the soldier’s fearful adversaries, he gave us —

[ the audience applauds wildly, as Lorne and Buck step onto the Home Base stage. Buck stomps to the back of the set, flings his newspaper to the floor, and climbs up the stairs, as Belushi slinks away. ]

Lorne Michaels: Howard, Howard? Can we start again, please?

Howard Shore: Lorne, we’ve done the theme already.

Lorne Michaels: Can you start with the theme again, please? I know it’s — we’ll do it one more time, alright?

[ the opening theme begins anew ]

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Buck Henry!

[ Buck Henry comes down the stairs, steps over his newspaper, and folds his arms in anger as he stands before the audience and waits for the opening theme to wrap up ]

Buck Henry: [ as the music stops, smiles wide ] Hi! Uh.. I-I’m really pleased to be, uh.. to be back here on-on-on the show. It’s a great thrill for me. You know.. a rather strange occurence happened to me while I was, uh.. while I was going to the airport to take the plane —

Dave Wilson V/O: Buck, we’re running a little long, can you cut it short?

Buck Henry: [ miffed ] We’ll be right.. back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Goodnights

…..Buck Henry

[FADE IN on Tony Orlando and Dawn continuing to writhe about the stage and scream in agony. Buck Henry walks onstage, stops behind them, then vaults neatly over one of the women and continues on to the runway.]

Buck Henry: Thank you all very much. Remember, next week, Elliott Gould. Watch him breeze right through the security guard. Thank you, Gordon Lightfoot. He’d play another song, but he only owns one guitar. Thank all of you for coming, and, uh, we’ll see you sometime when this mess gets cleared up.

[As the All-Nurse band swings full-tilt into the closing theme, several of the players leap up onstage. Chevy Chase and Garrett Morris dart past Buck and rush to Tony Orlando and Dawn, while Gilda Radner and Jane Curtin each kiss Buck as John Belushi pats him on the back. FADE to a wider shot of the studio as the main credits roll.]

Don Pardo: Our host next Saturday night will be Elliott Gould! This is the voice of Don Pardo, coming from the mouth of Don Pardo, triggered by the brain of Don Pardo, adapted from a short story by Don Pardo, and stolen from an idea by Johnny Olsen!

[Belushi has lifted Buck onto his shoulders, and Buck sways there while the players mill around them and Tony Orlando and Dawn finally recover.]

Don Pardo: Stay tuned as Paul Anka plays host to “Superstars,” premiering tonight. Good night!

[PAN back to a wide shot of the studio as Belushi sets Buck down on the floor. FADE to black after credits end.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Chevy On Crutches

…..Chevy Chase
…..Laraine Newman

[ Chevy Chase hobbles onto the stage with a cast on his right leg. A red card table and folding chairs is at the left corner of the stage ]

Chevy Chase: Uh.. good evening, everybody. I’m afraid I have some disheartening news, for some of you. Uh.. unfortunately, I’ve inured my leg earlier this week, accepting an Emmy Award – uh, thank you.. very much. [ audience chuckles ] And, uh, it may be broken, I haven’t had it X-rayed yet, but, um.. Actually, I have had it X-rayed, I haven’t seen the X-rays. Anyway, obviously, I can’t do a fall for you, and, uh.. I wanted to do the opening fall.

However.. Laraine Newman – one of the Not Ready For Prime Time Players – has very graciously consented to do, uh.. the fall, instead. She’s gonna fall over this table to my right. I say gracious because.. the entire show, the entire staff of the show has been very, really terrific about my winning, uh, the Emmy – thank you again. [ audience chuckles ] There has been no enmity, no hostility, no jealousy. They’ve just been very warm and natural, and, uh.. congratulated me.

And I must say, even Laraine, uh.. who I, at times, thought didn’t maybe even like me that much, has actually volunteered and consented to come and do the fall. And I — some kind of pratfall, I don’t know what it will be. Of course, it won’t be as good as.. uh, my falls. But that’s not.. her fault. She’s not trained at that. She’s a mime, I believe. She’s a woman. Of course, women are clearly.. not built that way. They’re not built for physical schtick, or physical falling, and that kind of stuff. Physical comedy. So, I understand the hissing and all that. It’s just a fact, they’re just not built. So, as I say, anyway, she probably won’t be as good as me – the winner. Uh.. but.. uh, she’s gonna give it her all, I imagine. And, uh.. well, why don’t you give it a shot, Laraine?

[ Laraine Newman struts across the stage, stopping in front of the red card table ]

Chevy Chase: Thank you once again.

Laraine Newman: Thank you for this opportunity, Chevy.

Chevy Chase: Oh, you’re welcome.

[ Laraine stretches her arm out wide in preparation for her scene, then yanks Chevy’s right crutch forward and sends him toppling over the card table, which falls off the stage and sends itself and Chevy and his crutches to the floor. ]

Chevy Chase: [ pushes the broken card table off his body ] “Live! From New York! It’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Dell Stator’s Toad Ranch Restaurant

Kenny Slungard … Dan Aykroyd
1st Diner … Jane Curtin
2nd Diner … Buck Henry
Singers … Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman

Kenny Slungard: [cowboy hat, Western string tie, vest,thick Western accent] In these days of runawayinflation, there aren’t many family restaurants leftwith quality service and good food value. Now, we’retalkin’ about the kind of restaurant that doesn’tsacrifice that Sunday dinner feelin’ and still servesthe family a tasty meal at home town prices. They justdon’t seem to be around any more. Except one: DellStator’s 99 cent Toad Ranch! [sign on the wall reads:Dell Stator’s Inc. 99¢ TOAD RANCH RESTAURANT — alsomounted on the wall: rifles, a chart showing thevarious cuts of toad meat, and a sign reading: ALL THESALAD YOU CAN EAT – ALL THE SANGRIA YOU CAN DRINK] Hi,I’m Kenny Slungard, Chief Rustler for Dell Stator’s 99cent Toad Ranches, home of the world famous DellStator Toad Pit and the Dell Stator Patented BroilingMethod where we can guarantee you the best 99 centtoad steak you’ll ever eat. How? Because at every DellStator 99 cent Toad Ranch we breed our own toads righton the premises. [takes the top off a metal wash basinand holds it up to the camera — inside are tiny reallive toads] Like these plump young toad steers –right here in one of the Stator Toad Pits, right here!Pick your own, just like I’m doin’, right out of theStator Toad Pit. [grabs a toad] All of Dell Stator’stoads are butterfly- and firefly-fed, coated in DellStator’s special sauce and [holds a couple of toads upto the camera] they are the only toads that areprepared using the Stator Patented Broiling Method inthe world famous Stator Toad Pit, to give you and yourfamily the thickest, juiciest toad steaks and roastsyou’ve ever eaten. [walks over to two diners at anearby table] All right, now. Ha ha! How iseverything, folks?!

1st Diner: [mouth full] That’s real tasty toad!

2nd Diner: [toad meat hanging out of his mouth] Ican’t think of a time when we’ve had better toad!

Kenny Slungard: Yeah! So come on down here to yourlocal Dell Stator’s 99 cent Toad Ranch and get in onthat big bicentennial toad drive! Ho! Looks like thisherd’s just about ready here! [returns to the toad pitand lights up a flaming acetylene torch with a wink]Yeah! [starts to torch some toads]

Singers: [enter from either side of the screen,singing]
When you’re at home or on the road
And you’ve got to stop when you crave that toad
Dell Stator’s, Dell Stator’s
Dell Stator’s Family Toad Ranch!

Kenny Slungard: Yeah! And, you know, I’m the kind thatLOVES to eat ’em raw! [dangles a wriggling toad overhis mouth to the disgust of the audience]

SNL Transcripts