Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 16
Louis C.K.’s Monologue
…..Louis C.K.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Louis C.K.!
[ the audience cheers and applauds wildly ]
Louis C.K.: Well, thank you! Thank you very much. Wow! Wow! Wow, thank you! Thanks! That’s very nice, I hope somebody does that for you some day. That was a very nice thing. I hope you had a nice day. All I can do about it is hope. I had a pretty good day — I went out shopping for some things I needed… and now I on’t need them, ’cause I’ve got them. I got a white noise machine. Do you know what those are, a white noise machine? That’s a machine that helps white people sleep at night. Because, uh, you should be able to.
I’m a little hungry. I mean, I feel hungry. I think that’s what… Americans shouldn’t say “I’m hungry,” they should say “I feel hungry.” If you ate today, you shouldn’t say “I’m hungry.” Hunger’s a real thing. I don’t have “third world” hunger. I have “first” world hunger. I would like a donut. Some people say “I’m starving.” That’s offensive! [ mimicking ] “I’m STARVING! I haven’t eaten since TWO, I’m STARVING!” Don’t say that! Because some people ARE starving, and THEY don’t say it! You never see a little kid in Africa with his ribs showing, he’s like, “I’m STARVING right now! I’m like literally starving TO DEATH! It’s, like, ANNOYING!”
I have two kids. I went to my daughter’s play the other day. I don’t know if you have a kid, but there’s no more joyful feeling in the human experience than when a child’s play… is over. It’s just… nothing feels that good, when you can say “I’m not watching that ANY LONGER!” Now, every second my daughter’s on stage, I can’t breathe because I’m so proud of her… but this is a bad show. They worked really hard and it didn’t make it good.
I’m glad I’m raising a girl, though, because boys are, uh… uh… I don’t like boys! That’s probably a good thing, you’d say! I don’t like boys! I don’t! I mean, I don’t think women are better than men, uh… but I do think that men are worse than women. Like, I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, “What happened?” He goes: “Well, I guess I, uh… I guess I said something, and, uh… and then she got her FEELINGS HURT!” That’s a weird way to phrase it: “She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then sheeee…” Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? “She got her feelings hurt.” It’s like saying, “Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don’t know what happened. He leaned into it.”
I’ve never been murdered. I’m gonna die someday, I accept that. I don’t know what happens afterward. Some people say that they;re going to Heaven: “I’m totally going to Heaven!” By the way this is the only voice that I’m gonna do. It’s the only voice I have. I can’t, like, do impressions. For instance, this is my impression of the President: “I’m the first Black president!. I’m literally the first Black president.” I don’t know, do you guys think there’s a Heaven? Clap your hands if you think you’re going to Heaven. [ the audience claps wildly ] You think you’re to Heaven?
Girl: Yes.
Louis C.K.: Really? How old are you?
Girl: 21.
Louis C.K.: 21… and you’re a LOCK for Heaven already? You’ve been a grown-up for three years and you couldn’t possibly make a mistake. Well, good luck!
Personally, I don’t think there’s a Heaven. I think maybe there’s a God… but there’s no Heaven. I think that’s the best news you’re gonna get. You die, and you’re like, “Hey, God!” And he’s like, “Yeah?” And you’re like, “Where’s Heaven?” And he’s like, “I don’t know who’s telling people that! I’m supposed to make a whole universe, and then another whole amazing place for afterwards?! You guys are greedy DICKS down there!” “Well, where do I go?” “Just stand in this ROOM with me now!” “I don’t like it.” “Tell me about it, I’ve been here since 1983!” Or whenever… I don’t know when God started, but…
I’m not religious! I don’t know if there’s a God, but that’s all I can say, honestly, is I don’t know! Some people think that they know that there isn’t. That’s a weird thing to think you can know. “Yeah, there’s no God!” “Are you sure?” “Yeah — No, there’s no God!” “How do you know?” “Because I didn’t see him!” “How do you –? There’s a VAST universe! You can see for about a hundred yards when there’s not a building in the way! How could you possibly –? Did you look everywhere? Did you look in the downstairs bathroom, where he goes sometimes?” “I haven’t seen him!” “Yeah, well, I haven’t seen “Twelve Years a Slave” yet, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist! I’m just gonna wait until it comes on cable!”
I think if there is a God, I don’t know if it’s the one in the Bible, ’cause that’s a weird story if he’s our father and we’re his children. That’s it. “Our Father who art in Heaven.” Where’s our Mother? What happened to our Mom? What did he do to our Mom? Something happened. Somewhere in Heaven, there’s a porch with a dead lady under it and I want this story! Somebody’s gotta check the trum of God’s car… for bleach and rope and fibers. How can we not have a Mother?! At least, maybe God’s divorced. Maybe he has an ex-wife. God’s a single dad and he’s raising us alone… and we’re prsying, and he’s like, “I’M TRYING!! It’s just ME up here!!” Maybe that’s what’s going on. Maybe your life is your time — This is our weekend with Dad. That’s what life is… is your weekend… and then when you die, you go to Mom’s house.
It makes sense that God would be a woman, doesn’t it? Because you’re raised by your mom. I think the reason we made God a man in our culture is because we want to make sense of the fact that men are in charge. ‘Cause otherwise it doesn’t really make any sense, because women — you start with a woman. It’s that thing people like to ask me: “What came first, the chicken or the egg?” Of course it’s the egg! Because you can’t just make a chicken. You can’t just go: “CHICKEN!” You gotta start with an egg and then grow a chicken. But then, people say, “Well, where did the egg come from?” From a chicken, you idiot!
The point is: Women birthed us, women raised us. So why aren’t they running things? I think I know why. I think it’s because, millions of years ago, women were in charge, and they were mean, they were horrible! They made us walk around naked, and then they’d laugh at you and flick your penis when you walk by… They were AWFUL! But what could you do? It’s your Mom and her friends, like what could you possibly do about it? And then one guy punched his mom, and we’re like: “We can hit them!” And then we did the whole thing.
But that’s why men are mean to women today, because we’re TERRIFIED of them. That’s why we didn’t give women the right to vote until 1920. That means American democracy is 94 years old. There are three people in my building who are older than American democracy. That’s how… women had to have a rough time. It was SO okay to beat your wife until so recently, that today we have a kind of shirt named after it! There’s a piece of clothing in our country, affectionately nicknamed after beating the crap out of your wife! And, for some reason, this is offensive to NOBODY! I saw a woman on “Good Morning, America!”, and she was saying, “So I was walking around my house in a wifebeater…” I’m like, “Stop SAYING that!! It’s HORRIBLE!! “I’m wearing a wifebeater and child murder shorts…” Che-e-e-eck!!
We have a GREAT show — Sam Smith is here! Stick around! WE’ll be right back.
Air Date:
Summary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) relunctantly poses with recent social media tropes in a last-minute attempt to promote his healthcare plan.
Summary: White contestant (Louis C.K.) doesn’t stand a chance against the vague, correct answers given by his opponents (Jay Pharoah, Sasheer Zamata).
Summary: Baby boss Richard Patterson’s (Beck Bennett) takes it hard when his favorite company vice-president (Louis C.K.) announces his plans to relocate to a new job.
Summary: Mom (Vanessa Bayer) uses “Buy 1 Get 3 Free” suits from Jos. A. Banks to clean her family’s messiest spills.
Summary: Sports correspondent Steven A. Smith (Jay Pharoah) rambles through his NCAA picks.
Summary: 
Summary: Patient (Louis C.K.) insists that his doctor (Mike O’Brien) check his butt for any Darth Vader action figures that shouldn’t be there.
Summary: Detective Brock (Louis C.K.) tries to persuade his partner (Vanessa Bayer) to cut holes in her pajamas and make love to him.
Summary: 1970’s tough-broad TV cops Dyke (Kate McKinnon) and Fats (Aidy Bryant) won’t allow anyone else to call them by their nicknames.
Summary: Dave (Louis C.K.) makes a passioned plea for his ex-girlfriend (Aidy Bryant) to take him back.
Summary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) toughens his image for Vladmir Putin with a little help from an action-movie trailer presented by Liam Neeson.
Summary: Lenan Dunham would rather not entertain the cast members’ sex questions.
Summary: Newcomer Kelsey (Lena Dunham) is super-impressed with how quick and on-the-ball Olivia Pope (Sasheer Zamata) and her team are at infiltrating problem situations.
Summary: LeGod Williams (Kenan Thompson) and Lil’ Taint Anthony (Jay Pharoah) are flummoxed by the performance of white hip-hop group That’s a Rap!
Summary: The biblical tale of the Garden of Eden as presented as a prequel to “Girls” is coming soon to theaters.
Summary: Marisa (Nasim Pedrad) and Brendal (Lena Dunham) goofily flirt with boys and Jon Hamm.
Summary: Oscar winner Matthew McConaughey (Taran Killam) rambles while discussing the series finale of “True Detective”. Vladmir Putin’s Best Friends from Growing Up (Vanessa Bayer, Fred Armisen) try to defend his recent military actions.
Summary: Marisol’s (Cecily Strong) sexist Internet boyfriend (Mike O’Brien) brings the party down.
Summary: Katt Williams (Jay Pharoah) interviews Jared Leto (Brooks Wheelan), Liza MInelli (Lena Dunham) and Harrison Ford (Taran Killam) on his Oscar Edition.
