SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: An SNL Digital Short



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 21








13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Pharrell Williams
Whore…..Maya Rudolph

[ open as Andy Samberg’s cellphone rings ]

Andy Samberg: Hello?

Girl: Hi! This is Bridget. Should I come over later?

Andy Samberg: I’m sorry, I don’t know a Bridget.

Bridget: Well, that’s not what you said when you hugged me last night.

Andy Samberg: You think we’re an item just because I gave you a hug? Trick! You better think again.

Lonely Island: [ rapping ]“We are not gentlemen!
Yo! I’ll hug a girl like it don’t mean nothin’
Then turn around and start huggin’ her cousin
I don’t love ’em, end of the fuckin’ discussion
Got ’em tucked between my wings like Thanksgiving stuffing

She wanna hug from behind – I did it
Then her friend jump in; I’m wit’ it
I hug ’em tighter than a tube top;
After that, it’s just a matter of time
Before the other shoe drop.

I get more hugs than Oprah selling drugs
And the drug was pure X – no marriage, no sex.
Just hugs.”

Pharrell Williams: [ singing ]“Don’t get mad, girl. We get mad girls
And we’re hugging all over the world
So don’t catch feelings, it ain’t love
We’re just the kings of giving out hugs
And if you wanna settle down, you know you got us all wrong
So we move to the next one, no disrespect, hon
But you can’t hug a rolling stone.”

Lonely Island: [ rapping ]“You can’t hug a rolling stone cause it’ll crush you
Begging me to hug you again? That’s when I shush you
On an airplane, at a Knick game
Feel the same damn thing when I hug them
Which is nothing
Can’t trust them, lose all respect when I hug them

Now guess who’s back in the motherfucking house
With a fat hug for your sweater and your blouse
Hugged so many ladies, arms shaky and shit
Because I’m the Wilt Chamberlain of the upper-body grip.
(HUGS!)

Cause I get more hugs than a batch of puppy pugs
Sitting on a fluffy rug, getting tickled touched and rubbed
(OH SHIT!)
Real talk, like you chatting with a fisherman
Wrap these chicks up like a motherfucking swisher, man!”

Pharrell Williams: [ singing ]“This ain’t love girl, because this hug world
Is just a big Game of Thrones
We be king of the castle, got arms like a lasso.
But you can’t hug a rolling stone.

I been hugging on your mama
Especially when your daddy’s gone
Wearing his pajamas
I know you thinking that is wrong
I don’t care what son does
I’m concentrating on her back
I just wanna hug your mama in her Subaru hatchback.
Put her in a figure-4, yes I’m a hug gigolo
Now she tells her tupperware friends to let their sisters know…”

Lonely Island:
“…that I give more hugs than Atlas had shrugs
(Rest my head on her shoulder)
While your man mean mugs.”

Pharrell Williams:
“We had fun, girl. But don’t get sprung, girl
Just because I hugged you raw
We can do a group thing, bring Sarah and Susan
And we can have a hug-a-trois.
So quit trying to own my hugs
I gave you these arms on loan
So come give me a hug
The waistline and above
When push comes to shove
You can’t hug a rolling stone.”

Whore: Purex! Purex for sale!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: Legolas from ‘The Hobbit’ Tries to Order at Taco Bell



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 21








13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

Legolas from ‘The Hobbit’ Tries to Order at Taco Bell

Legolas…..Andy Samberg
Employee…..Jay Pharoah
Gimli…..Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: And now, Legolas from The Hobbit tries to order at Taco Bell.

Legolas: I have no memory of this place. Good Day!

Employee: Welcome to Taco Bell. May I take your order, please?

Legolas: A red sun rises. Blood has been spilled this night.

Employee: No man. It’s just sauce over there.

Legolas: I’ll take two beef chalupas.

Employee: Two beef chalupas for this hippie lady.

Legolas: You have my thanks. But I cannot linger. How’s the Cool Ranch Doritos Taco Loco? Is that good? I keep hearing about it.

Gimli: Just save some for me!

Legolas: Gimli, you’ve returned!

Gimli: That’s right old friend. Hi, I’ll have a cheesy chicken burrito as well as, one of everything else on the menu, please. Ha, ha, ha! Funny! I thought I would never dine with an elf.

Legolas: Then how about dining with a friend?

Gimli: Aye! That I can do. Ha ha ha!

Employee: (looking at the camera) White people.

Announcer: This has been Legolas from The Hobbit tries to order at Taco Bell.

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: The Vogelchecks



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 21












13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

The Vogelchecks

Matt…..Taran Killam
Kevin Vogelcheck…..Andy Samberg
Mrs. Vogelcheck…..Kristin Wiig
Mr. Vogelcheck….Fred Armisen
Dwayne Vogelcheck…..Bill Hader
Austin Vogelcheck…..Paul Rudd
Great Grandma Vogelcheck…..Kate McKinnon
Nurse…..Maya Rudolph

[ open as Kevin and Matt enter the Vogelcheck living room ]

Matt: I got to admit, I’m a little nervous meeting my boyfriend’s parents and all.

Kevin Vogelcheck: Oh don’t worry, they’re gonna love you. When you in the Vogelcheck house, you’re family.

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Ken Is that you? Oh great! My little boy’s become a man. My little boy is a man. We were so worried about you because of the weather, wasn’t sure about plane but I can’t believe your here. (kissing)

Mr. Vogelcheck: Oh I know that voice. (applause) Look at you muscle man, huh? Hey are you lifting weights? What’d they do to you, huh, huh, huh. So proud of you so proud of you. So proud of you, so proud of you. And I love you.

Kevin Vogelcheck: Mom, pop this is my boyfriend Matt.

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Matt, we are so proud to have you here.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Matt no need to be shy around us we do not bite. Your mom does though.

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Will you tell your dad to stop teasing me?

Matt: Wow, your parents are really..

Kevin Vogelcheck: Affectionate. Yeah I know.

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Alright come on kids have a seat. We’re just in the middle of watching the NFL Draft.

Dwayne Vogelcheck: Hey is that Tweedle Dum down there?

Kevin Vogelcheck: Big brother Dwayne, always busting my chops.

Dwayne Vogelcheck: Hey I heard the nerd parade was in town but I didn’t know they were coming up our streets.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Duane, come on.

Dwayne Vogelcheck: Hey, I’m just givin em a good time come on. Hey wet willie.

Kevin Vogelcheck: No!

(Dwayne slobbers all over Kevin)

Mr. Vogelcheck: Hey pick on someone your own size. Get over here.

Dwayne Vogelcheck: Hey.

(they all kiss)

Austin Vogelcheck: Oh well well. If it isn’t Jones Master General.

Kevin Vogelcheck: That’s my other brother Austin.

Austin Vogelcheck: Wait a minute, you bozos have been out here all this time and you haven’t said hello to your great grandma Vogelcheck.

Great Grandma Vogelcheck: It is so good to see you all. (kissing)

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Okay everyone be quiet. The NFL Draft is back from commercial.

Austin Vogelcheck: Ooh! ooh! I’m so excited. (he kisses Kevin)

Mr. Vogelcheck: Me too! (je kisses Austin)

Kevin Vogelcheck: Ooh! Turn the volume up.

Announcer: The St. Louis Rams select Michael Sam. We now take you live to his agent’s house where he’s celebrating with his boyfriend.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Wow is he kissing his boyfriend?

Dwayne Vogelcheck: Seems like a lot for TV. (he snuggles in Mrs. Vogelcheck’s breasts)

Austin Vogelcheck: (snuggling Mr. Vogelcheck’s neck) Yeah I mean people are watching this with their families. (he licks his neck)

Matt: Um, excuse me everyone I’m sorry I have to say something. I didn’t speak up when you all made out as a family and I think you’re being a little close minded about a happy couple celebrating on television who just happened to be gay.

Kevin Vogelcheck: Matt!

Mr. Vogelcheck: No, no, no, no. Matt’s right. Sometimes we get so caught up in loving our own family we forget about… loving everyone in the world.

Dwayne Vogelcheck: That’s right.

Mr. Vogelcheck: And that’s important.

Dwayne Vogelcheck: Totally important.

Mr. Vogelcheck: I guess this kinda, I don’t know, makes all a bunch of little, kinda, I don’t know. Vogelchecks. Just don’t let grandma see, okay? She’s a little old fashioned.

Great Grandma Vogelcheck: What is this on TV? Oh God, oh no. Oh, no.

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Oh, no! Grandma’s having a heart attack! Quick! Get her nurse! Get her nurse!

[ Nurse rushes in ]

Nurse: What?! Oh my heavens! Oh, Mrs. Vogelcheck! I can save her! (kisses her, then grabs her breasts) One, two, three, four… I need more air!

Austin Vogelcheck: Take mine!

(they pass mouth-to-mouth to one another until it reaches Grandma)

Great Grandma Vogelcheck: I’m alright!

Matt: Now, now that’s what I call a touch down!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live: 2013-2014


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: 2013-2014


Starring:

  • Vanessa Bayer
  • Aidy Bryant
  • Taran Killam
  • Kate McKinnon
  • Seth Meyers
  • Bobby Moynihan
  • Nasim Pedrad
  • Jay Pharoah
  • Cecily Strong
  • Kenan Thompson

    Featuring:
  • Beck Bennett
  • John Milhiser
  • Kyle Mooney
  • Mike O’Brien
  • Noël Wells
  • Brooks Wheelan
  • Writers:

  • James Anderson
  • Michael Che
  • Mikey Day
  • Jim Downey
  • Steve Higgins
  • Colin Jost (Head Writer)
  • Zach Kanin
  • Chris Kelly
  • Erik Kenward
  • Rob Klein (Head Writer)
  • Seth Meyers (Head Writer)
  • Lorne Michaels
  • Claire Mulaney
  • Josh Patten
  • Paula Pell
  • Tim Robinson
  • Marika Sawyer (Writing Supervisor)
  • Sarah Schneider
  • Pete Schultz
  • John Solomon (Writing Supervisor)
  • Kent Sublette
  • Bryan Tucker (Writing Supervisor)
  • Episodes

  • 09/28/13: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire
  • 10/05/13: Miley Cyrus
  • 10/12/13: Bruce Willis / Katy Perry
  • 10/26/13: Edward Norton / Janelle Monae
  • 11/02/13: Kerry Washington / Eminem
  • 11/16/13: Lady Gaga
  • 11/23/13: Josh Hutcherson / HAIM
  • 12/07/13: Paul Rudd / One Direction
  • 12/14/13: John Goodman / Kings of Leon
  • 12/21/13: Jimmy Fallon / Justin Timberlake
  • 01/18/14: Drake
  • 01/25/14: Jonah Hill / Bastille
  • 02/01/14: Melissa McCarthy / Imagine Dragons
  • 03/01/14: Jim Parsons / Beck
  • 03/08/14: Lena Dunham / The National
  • 03/29/14: Louis C.K. / Sam Smith
  • 04/05/14: Anna Kendrick / Pharrell Williams
  • 04/12/14: Seth Rogen / Ed Sheeran
  • 05/03/14: Andrew Garfield / Coldplay
  • 05/10/14: Charlize Theron / Black Keys
  • 05/17/14: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent
  • Summary

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/12/14: CNN Take-Home Pregnancy Test



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 39: Episode 18












    13r: Seth Rogen / Ed Sheeran

    CNN Take-Home Pregnancy Test

    Man…..Beck Bennett
    Woman…..Vanessa Bayer

    [ open on couple holding a pregnancy test in their hands ]

    Man: Are you ready to find out?

    Woman: I’m nervous.

    Man: Don’t be! Everything’s going to be fine.

    [ cut to couple in testimonial ]

    Woman: Deciding to have a baby wasn’t a simple decision.

    Man: And we didn’t want a pregnancy test that just gave us a simple “Yes” or “No.”

    Woman: We wanted more information.

    Man: And when it comes to giving information, there’s only one name we trust to give it to us constantly.

    Woman: That’s why we use the new CNN Take-Home Pregnancy Test. Its relentless breaking alerts let us know that it’s working hard to find out if we’re having a baby.

    [ cut to Woman exiting bathroom with pregnancy test in her hands ]

    Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! SEARCH FOR PREGNANCY UNDERWAY!

    Woman V/O: As CNN slowly analyzes my urine, it updates me on its “Breaking News” screen.

    Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! SEARCH FOR PREGNANCY CONTINUES!

    Man V/O: Because CNN believes that we deserve all the information they can find.

    Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! CNN MORE CONFIDENT THAN EVER THAT IT WILL SOON KNOW IF YOU’RE PREGNANT!

    Man V/O: Even if that information is no information.

    Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! SEARCH FOR PREGNANCY ENTERS THIRD WEEK!

    Why is this taking so long? It’s 2014!

    Man: Honey, it’s not the stick’s fault, it’s telling you everything it knows.

    Woman: I know. I’m not mad at the stick. It’s just — This was fun at first, but now it’s just: “WAIT, and tell me when you know!”

    Man V/O: Breaking alerts, every ten minutes.

    Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! 6 MILLION U.S. WOMEN GET PREGNANT EACH YEAR!

    Woman: So?!

    Man V/O: Daytime and nighttime.

    Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING!…

    Woman: Oh, my God…

    Man: [ groggy ] We’re having a baby…?

    Woman: Nope. Oscar Pistorius took his legs off in court.

    Woman V/O: And when CNN finally does make a discovery about a pregnancy —

    Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! PREGNANCY FOUND!!!

    Woman: Pregnancy found!!

    Man: YES!!

    Woman V/O: I know it’ll be accurate —

    Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! CANNOT CONFIRM PREGNANCY!

    Woman V/O: 15% of the time.

    Man: Great.

    Woman: Great! Cool! Awesome! How great!

    Man: Fine!

    [ cut to product ]

    Man V/O: The CNN Home Pregnancy Test.

    Woman: For when you want to know, but they don’t know.

    [ cut to Woman entering room with baby in her arms ]

    Woman: Honey! I guess I was pregnant!

    [ they hug ]

    Together: Thanks, CNN!!

    Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING!

    Woman: Oh! And Ke$ha just took the dollar sign out of her name.

    Man: Hmm.

    Woman: Hmm.

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: Bvlgari



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 39: Episode 21






    13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

    Bvlgari

    Brookie…..Vanessa Bayer
    Friend…..Cecily Strong
    Tweedle Dee…..Andy Samberg
    Tweedle Dong…..Kristen Wiig

    [ open on Brookie and her friend ]

    Brookie: Precision.

    Friend: Timelessness.

    Brookie: Grandiose.

    Friend: Impeccable.

    Together: The gorgeousest. Buvalgagi watches.

    Friend: All the cosmopolitans of a Cosmo time piece.

    Brookie: You’ll be the one watching your dreams come true.

    Together: With Buvalgagi.

    Brookie: Hi, we’re not porn stars anymore I’m Brookie.

    Friend: Okay.

    Brookie: And we’re not porn stars any more, but that doesn’t mean we don’t love the elegnant of Italian-ass-man-ship.

    Friend: Now that’s a spicy watch with Buvalgagi.

    [ Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dong enter ]

    Tweedle Dee: Did someone say timeflies?

    Brookie: Not yet, not yet.

    Friend: Okay.

    [ they exit ]

    Brookie: Other watches are just rubber bands with arms. Adios muchachooch!

    Friend: And good ribbons!

    Brookie: Buvalgagi are like roll axes but they’re for fordable.

    Friend: Avaibable in gold, silver or bronze.

    Brookie: With a watch, you’ll never have to stop a stranger on the street to ask him, “Are you my dad?”

    Friend: And Bvlgari are perfect for occasions like:

    Brookie: Watches.

    Friend: Puttin’ on the rats.

    Brookie: Housefire.

    Friend: Jumping out of a cake naked but you got trapped.

    Brookie: And being a character witness for Donald Sterling.

    Friend: I guarantee it! You’ll feel like you’re an Egyptian queen, like Cleomydia.

    Brookie: And it’s waterproof up to 12 and a half inches, plus it comes complete with the, –what’s the thing that counts time but in reverse?

    Friend: Cowgirl.

    Brookie: Ah, no, a stop watch.

    Friend: Alright, a stop watch.

    [ Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dong enter ]

    Tweedle Dee: Did someone say time flies?

    Brookie: No, not yet.

    Tweedle Dee: Okay.

    [ they exit ]

    Together: With Bvlgari watches.

    Friend: One time I got a watch for Christmas, Santa came down my chimney and saw those three other guys with Buvalgagis.

    Brookie: One time I got banged in a garden at the height of allergy season. Good thing I take Claritin as birth control. Thanks, watches.

    Friend: I got banged at a wedding and accidentally crashed into the cake. Then I won $3,000 on America’s Funniest Home Videos. Thanks for watching America.

    Brookie: Hey, remember roller skates?

    [ Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dong enter ]

    Tweedle Dee: Did someone say time flies?

    [ they wander off ]

    Brookie: Yeah, yeah…

    Friend: Hey, where’d they go?

    Brookie: Wait, you two go now. Go, go now.

    [ they return ]

    Tweedle Dee: ello, we’re former porn stars and formerly conjoined twins. I’m Tweedle-Dee.

    Tweedle Dong: And I’m Tweedle-Dong.

    Tweedle Dee: I’m the handsome one.

    Tweedle Dong: And I’m the one that looks like the Lorax.

    Tweedle Dee: We used to be conjoined at the chest and the penis.

    Tweedle Dong: Then, during the filming of… Then, during the filming of “One Guy, Two Butts”, we were separated in the middle of a gang bang.

    Tweedle Dee: I got the penis!

    Tweedle Dong: I did not get the penis.

    Tweedle Dee: But after that, we had to own TWO watches! That’s why we reach for…

    Together: BMG RoyWatches!

    Tweedle Dee: The watches that helps you remember the rainbow backwards. And they’re perfect whether you’re riding…

    Tweedle Dong: Or you did not get the penis.

    Brookie: No, no, no. Stay on track, we’re trying to do the ad and get free swatches from Buvalgagis.

    Tweedle Dee: Oh, right, right, right, the scam. So get a Buvalgag ba ba… watch today.

    Tweedle Dong: Coz everyone will respect you when you walk in the room wearing…

    Brookie: Watches.

    Friend: Anal Beads.

    Tweedle Dee: With Buvalgagis!

    Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/12/14: Blue River Dog Food



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 39: Episode 18










    13r: Seth Rogen / Ed Sheeran

    Blue River Dog Food

    Cindy…..Cecily Strong
    Pat…..Seth Rogen

    [ open on couple seated on couch ]

    Cindy: Our animals? They’re like part of the family. [ to her dog ] Right, Peanut?

    Pat: We have kids, too! [ he chuckles ]

    Cindy: But the animals, we’ve had longer. And I want the best for them. That’s why we switched to… Blue River Dog Food.

    Pat: Blue River NEVER skimps on ingredients, like our old dog food. I mean, look what our dog was eating before: [ he holds up old dog food bag ]

    Cindy: [ reading ] “Ground yellow corn”? “Chicken byproduct meal”? I mean, did they really think we weren’t gonna look?

    Pat: We did look, and now we know better.

    Cindy: I know, but… the thing that gets me is, it’s, like… what kind of person thinks it’s okay to put a big drawing of a chicken on the front of the bag, and yet, there’s no chicken in there!

    Pat: It’s okay, honey! [ he laughs nervously ] We’re using BLUE RIVER now!

    Cindy: [ laughing maniacally ] Well, how is that okay, Pat? HOW?! ‘Cause… we fed that old GARBAGE to our DOG, Pat! You know?

    Pat: I know. Are you… are you about to cry right now?

    Cindy: Um… maybe! I don’t know!

    Pat: It’s, it’s, it’s okay! We switched brands!

    Cindy: It’s NOT okay, Pat! It’s like they think I’m DUMB!!

    Pat: No, they don’t think we’re dumb, they just think we don’t care as much as we do!

    Cindy: Ohhh, please! Give me a break, BIG NAME DOG FOOD!! You know, what OTHER compromises can we make?!! You want to have SEX with my husband?!! BEND OVER, Pat, they want to GET THAT ASS!!

    Pat: No! I-I-I-I don’t think that’s what they want…! I think they’re just cutting corners on their dog food.

    Cindy: “Cutting corners”?! There’s no CHICKEN, Pat!!

    Pat: Th-th-th-there is some chicken! There’s just not that much chicken! There are trace amounts of chicken!

    Cindy: Oh! Oh! “Trace amounts”! I’m sorry, I’m just INSANE!! That’s great! “Trace amounts”! Have you heard that, Peanut?! Have you tasted “trace amounts of chicken”?!

    [ the dog remains silent ]

    Pat: Look — I don’t know what you want me to DO, Cindy! Okay?!

    Cindy: GET ANGRY, PAT!! YOU BE ON MY SIDE FOR ONCE!!

    Pat: I AM ANGRY!!

    Cindy: NO, YOU’RE NOT!! I have SEEN you angry!! You be a MAN, Pat!!

    Pat: I AM BEING A MAN!! I’M BEING A MAN RIGHT NOW!! I DON’T APPRECIATE THAT!! I’M TRYING TO MAKE IT BETTER!!

    Cindy: HOW, Pat?!

    Pat: WE SWITCHED BRANDS!! THREE WEEKS AGO!!

    Cindy: [ crying ] IT’S NOT ENOUGH!! I WANT SOMEONE FROM THAT COMPANY TO COME HERE… AND LOOK MY DOG IN THE FACE AND SAY… “SORRY!!!”

    [ the dog is pre-occupied with a chew toy ]

    Cindy: AND SAY “SORRY” TO ME, AND THEN “SORRY” TO MY FAMILY… AND THEN GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!! YOU CAN BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT, FOR ALL I CARE!!

    Pat: Honey, Big Brand Dog Food is NOT gonna do that!

    Cindy: [ clutching her temple ] I hate everyone on Earth…!! People are LIARS… and LOSERS!! [ she screams ]

    Pat: SHUT UP!! YOU’RE UPSETTING THE DOG!!

    [ the dog just stares at the camera ]

    Cindy: Our DOG?!! Our dog is BRAIN DEAD from eating LITTER and CRAP DOG it’s WHOLE LIFE!!

    Pat: I need you to calm down!! Okay?!!

    [ she screams in his face ]

    Pat: Just… walk around! Get some air! Okay?!

    [ she walks to the back wall and stretches her arms to the ceiling ]

    Cindy: I give up! I TOTALLY give up! You know? They win! There’s no fight left in me. Big Name Brand Dog Food, you won, okay? [ she returns to the couch and sits ] Take my dog, take my house… I’m done…!

    Pat: Honey… we’re feeding the dog the GOOD STUFF now! We’re GOOD!!

    Cindy: Are, are we? I want to believe that you care about me, but…

    Pat: Honey… we bought BLUE RIVER DOG FOOD as SOON as we found out!!

    Cindy: [ she shrugs ] Okay…

    [ cut to product image ]

    Announcer: They switched to Blue River. Real ingredients and real quality. Show your pet you care.

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: Camp Wicawabe, 1990



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 39: Episode 21










    13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

    Camp Wicawabe, 1990

    Cambria…..Aidy Bryant
    Piper…..Kate McKinnon
    Joseph…..Kyle Mooney
    Luann…..Cecily Strong
    Jeremy…..Andy Samberg

    Singing: “Swim in the water and jump in the tree, that’s what you do at Camp Wicawabe.”

    Cambria: Hey guys, thanks for skipping tonight’s campfire and instead coming to our weekly round up. I’m Cambria and this is Piper.

    Piper: Or as I hear dour counselors call us, Two Loud Little Turds.

    Cambria: Yeah, we’re in the Cherokee bunk this summer because we are ten and so far it’s been great.

    Piper: The only thing that sucks is we keep getting in trouble for no reason.

    Cambria: Yeah, I got yelled at just for stealing a knife and carving “ass butt” into a tree.

    Piper: And every time you get reprimanded you have to go to bed 15 minutes earlier. Yesterday, our bedtime was 2:15.

    Cambria: Yeah, it was full bright out. It sucked. Um, well now it’s time for our first segment. Arts and crafts.

    Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] Arts and “cwafts”.

    Cambria: That’s Joseph and he’s only six and here really he… he still wears a diaper.

    Piper: The week on arts and crafts we put googly eyes on pine cones

    Cambria: Yeah, I mean, I gotta say when the activity was first described to me I was not into it and then I got that first eyeball on there and I was laughing and having a blast.

    Piper: Okay guys, we’re having a very special lunch tomorrow. Here to tell you what it is is the head of the cafeteria, Luann Buckman. Take it away, Luann.

    Luann: Hamburgers!

    Piper: Thank you, Luann.

    Cambria: Luann, she has a car here and we don’t know where she goes at night.

    Piper: But last year she kissed a camper so this year she’s not allowed to sleep at the camp.

    Cambria: Okay, now it’s time for this week’s guest. He’s my older cousin…

    Piper: And he’s fourteen and he is the coolest prankster in all of camp.

    Cambria: Yeah, please welcome Jeremy.

    Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] Please welcome Jeremy.

    Jeremy: ‘Sup Cambria, little one.

    Piper: Hey.

    Jeremy: Sorry if I look cooler than normal, I just tried my first cigarette. Didn’t affect me at all and I ate the whole thing.

    Piper: Wow.

    Cambria: Okay, so Jeremy, tell us about some of the wild pranks that you’ve done recently.

    Jeremy: Okay, well, you know that big tree?

    Cambria: Yes.

    Jeremy: Yesterday I put my butt on it.

    Piper: Oh, so gross.

    Jeremy: Yeah, and last night I snuck out of my bunk and put my thing through the tennis court net.

    Cambria: What thing?

    Jeremy: Then today I put a pube on the tether ball. It was a pretty big deal because it was my only one.

    Cambria: Wow. I gotta say, you’re working with a lot of stuff I’ve never even heard of.

    Piper: Okay, now’s the part of the show called No Moms No Dads.

    Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] No Moms, No Dads.

    Cambria: This is where we brag about things that we’ve done because there’s no moms and no dads here. I haven’t eaten a single piece of fruit and no one’s keeping track so I’m not gonna do it.

    Piper: I swallowed a bee. It flew into my Snapple and died and I drank it ’cause I’m bad to the bone.

    Jeremy: Last week we found a condom in our bunk and all ten of us tried it on. Yeah. It didn’t fit anybody but it was fun.

    Piper: Oh wow. I’m trying to enjoy these stories but I don’t have context for any of them.

    Cambria: Yeah, okay now, let’s take a moment to remember the campers who’ve had to go home early this year.

    Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] Campers Who Had to Leave Early.

    Cambria: Tiffany Waller Wostien. She can’t poop anywhere but her own house so her parents had to pick her up because she was full.

    Piper: Bobby Vance. He killed a frog and the counselors found out it was on purpose because he really ripped it up and scattered it all around the camp. He left in a police van.

    Jeremy: Brittany July. She got her period on a horse a freaked out.

    Cambria: Well, okay, that’s all the time we have ’cause I gotta go to the waterfront and show Piper how to lift a big rock.

    Jeremy: I put my butt on that rock.

    Piper: Oh, so cool.

    Jeremy: Right?

    Cambria: Bye!

    Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

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    SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/12/14: Goodnights



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 39: Episode 18




    13r: Seth Rogen / Ed Sheeran

    Goodnights

    …..Seth Rogen

    Seth Rogen: Thank you to Ed Sheeran, Zooey Deschanel, James Franco, Taylor Swift! This has been a lot of fun! The cast, Lorne, everyone: Good night! Thank you, guys!

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    SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: Goodnights



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      Season 39: Episode 21




    13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

    Goodnights

    …..Andy Samberg

    Andy Samberg: Thanks to St. Vincent, Fred Armisen, Bill Hader, Seth Meyers, Paul Rudd, Maya Rudolph, Martin Short, Kristen Wiig, 2 Chainz…. the cast, the crew, the writers, Lorne for giving me a career, my wife, my family, I love you all ,thank you so much, this has been incredible!

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