Category: 2013

Dongs All Over the World

Aidy: Hey, did you guys hear about Janelle?

Cecily: Oh, yes! Turns out her man’s been pimping all over the world.

Anna: Yeah, he’s got hoes in different area codes.

Sasheer: That’s hot!!

Kate: And you know what, girls? That gives me [faces the camera] a nasty idea!

Kate:
We’re tired of sitting home while the guys have all the fun.
So we’re getting on a plane, gonna show ’em how it’s done.

Aidy:
Flying international with one thing on our minds,
and it’s not the type of thing you find in a travel guide.

Sasheer:
Not lookin’ for a art museum,
Not lookin’ for a mausoleum.
This ain’t the trip to see ’em —

Ensemble:
We. Just. Want. Those.
Dongs all over the world,
London, Paris, Tel Aviv.
Dongs all over the world,
Every woman’s fantasy!
Dongs all over the world,
Me llamo nasty girl!
Dong dong dong dong dong dong
Dongs all over the world.

Cecily:
One hundred ninety-six countries —
now that’s a lot of dongs!
All I packed is travel shampoo
and fifteen hundred thongs.

Anna:
Each dong is like a snowflake,
except that it’s a dong,
and we gotta catch ’em all
like sexual Pokemon!

Aidy:
Filling up my passport,
it’s all about quantity.
I’m a modern day Columbus,
and I claim this dong for me!

Cecily:
Time to drink some water,
and we rest our tired eyes.
Soon as we get off the plane,
our eyes are on the prize.

Sasheer:
The prize ain’t the Mona Lisa
or the Leaning Tower of Pisa
or the Pyramids of Giza.

Ensemble:
The. Prize. Is. The.
Dongs all over the world,
Venice, Shanghai, Venice Beach.
Dongs all over the world,
fifty hours without sleep.
Dongs all over the world,
ich bin nasty girl.
Dong dong dong dong dong dong
Dongs all over the world.

Anna:
Here’s a quick tip that ya need to know
when ya travellin’ the world with your girls in tow.
Keep a tight schedule and ya can’t go wrong.
You’ll see none of the country, but all of the dongs.
Nine PM, get off the plane.
9:01, go find the dongs.
9:02, destroy the dongs.
9:03, back on the plane!

Icona Pop:
Ladies, these are your captains speaking.
It is now safe and mandatory to move about the cabin.

Ensemble:
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I love it.
hey, hey, hey, hey, dong, dong, dong, dong.

Vanessa:
So, do you live in Istanbul?

Aidy:
No, uh, I’m actually an international nasty girl
and my friends and I are doing every dong in the world.

Vanessa:
Oh. That’s nice.

Ensemble:
Dongs all over the world,
Hong Kong, Florence, Philippines,
Dongs all over the world,
gimme, gimme, gimme please!
Dongs all over the world,
je suis nasty girl.
Dong dong dong dong dong dong
Dongs all over the world.

SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: An SNL Digital Short



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 21








13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Pharrell Williams
Whore…..Maya Rudolph

[ open as Andy Samberg’s cellphone rings ]

Andy Samberg: Hello?

Girl: Hi! This is Bridget. Should I come over later?

Andy Samberg: I’m sorry, I don’t know a Bridget.

Bridget: Well, that’s not what you said when you hugged me last night.

Andy Samberg: You think we’re an item just because I gave you a hug? Trick! You better think again.

Lonely Island: [ rapping ]
“We are not gentlemen!
Yo! I’ll hug a girl like it don’t mean nothin’
Then turn around and start huggin’ her cousin
I don’t love ’em, end of the fuckin’ discussion
Got ’em tucked between my wings like Thanksgiving stuffing

She wanna hug from behind – I did it
Then her friend jump in; I’m wit’ it
I hug ’em tighter than a tube top;
After that, it’s just a matter of time
Before the other shoe drop.

I get more hugs than Oprah selling drugs
And the drug was pure X – no marriage, no sex.
Just hugs.”

Pharrell Williams: [ singing ]
“Don’t get mad, girl. We get mad girls
And we’re hugging all over the world
So don’t catch feelings, it ain’t love
We’re just the kings of giving out hugs
And if you wanna settle down, you know you got us all wrong
So we move to the next one, no disrespect, hon
But you can’t hug a rolling stone.”

Lonely Island: [ rapping ]
“You can’t hug a rolling stone cause it’ll crush you
Begging me to hug you again? That’s when I shush you
On an airplane, at a Knick game
Feel the same damn thing when I hug them
Which is nothing
Can’t trust them, lose all respect when I hug them

Now guess who’s back in the motherfucking house
With a fat hug for your sweater and your blouse
Hugged so many ladies, arms shaky and shit
Because I’m the Wilt Chamberlain of the upper-body grip.
(HUGS!)

Cause I get more hugs than a batch of puppy pugs
Sitting on a fluffy rug, getting tickled touched and rubbed
(OH SHIT!)
Real talk, like you chatting with a fisherman
Wrap these chicks up like a motherfucking swisher, man!”

Pharrell Williams: [ singing ]
“This ain’t love girl, because this hug world
Is just a big Game of Thrones
We be king of the castle, got arms like a lasso.
But you can’t hug a rolling stone.

I been hugging on your mama
Especially when your daddy’s gone
Wearing his pajamas
I know you thinking that is wrong
I don’t care what son does
I’m concentrating on her back
I just wanna hug your mama in her Subaru hatchback.
Put her in a figure-4, yes I’m a hug gigolo
Now she tells her tupperware friends to let their sisters know…”

Lonely Island:
“…that I give more hugs than Atlas had shrugs
(Rest my head on her shoulder)
While your man mean mugs.”

Pharrell Williams:
“We had fun, girl. But don’t get sprung, girl
Just because I hugged you raw
We can do a group thing, bring Sarah and Susan
And we can have a hug-a-trois.
So quit trying to own my hugs
I gave you these arms on loan
So come give me a hug
The waistline and above
When push comes to shove
You can’t hug a rolling stone.”

Whore: Purex! Purex for sale!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: Legolas from ‘The Hobbit’ Tries to Order at Taco Bell



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 21








13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

Legolas from ‘The Hobbit’ Tries to Order at Taco Bell

Legolas…..Andy Samberg
Employee…..Jay Pharoah
Gimli…..Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: And now, Legolas from The Hobbit tries to order at Taco Bell.

Legolas: I have no memory of this place. Good Day!

Employee: Welcome to Taco Bell. May I take your order, please?

Legolas: A red sun rises. Blood has been spilled this night.

Employee: No man. It’s just sauce over there.

Legolas: I’ll take two beef chalupas.

Employee: Two beef chalupas for this hippie lady.

Legolas: You have my thanks. But I cannot linger. How’s the Cool Ranch Doritos Taco Loco? Is that good? I keep hearing about it.

Gimli: Just save some for me!

Legolas: Gimli, you’ve returned!

Gimli: That’s right old friend. Hi, I’ll have a cheesy chicken burrito as well as, one of everything else on the menu, please. Ha, ha, ha! Funny! I thought I would never dine with an elf.

Legolas: Then how about dining with a friend?

Gimli: Aye! That I can do. Ha ha ha!

Employee: (looking at the camera) White people.

Announcer: This has been Legolas from The Hobbit tries to order at Taco Bell.

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: The Vogelchecks



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 21












13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

The Vogelchecks

Matt…..Taran Killam
Kevin Vogelcheck…..Andy Samberg
Mrs. Vogelcheck…..Kristin Wiig
Mr. Vogelcheck….Fred Armisen
Dwayne Vogelcheck…..Bill Hader
Austin Vogelcheck…..Paul Rudd
Great Grandma Vogelcheck…..Kate McKinnon
Nurse…..Maya Rudolph

[ open as Kevin and Matt enter the Vogelcheck living room ]

Matt: I got to admit, I’m a little nervous meeting my boyfriend’s parents and all.

Kevin Vogelcheck: Oh don’t worry, they’re gonna love you. When you in the Vogelcheck house, you’re family.

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Ken Is that you? Oh great! My little boy’s become a man. My little boy is a man. We were so worried about you because of the weather, wasn’t sure about plane but I can’t believe your here. (kissing)

Mr. Vogelcheck: Oh I know that voice. (applause) Look at you muscle man, huh? Hey are you lifting weights? What’d they do to you, huh, huh, huh. So proud of you so proud of you. So proud of you, so proud of you. And I love you.

Kevin Vogelcheck: Mom, pop this is my boyfriend Matt.

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Matt, we are so proud to have you here.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Matt no need to be shy around us we do not bite. Your mom does though.

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Will you tell your dad to stop teasing me?

Matt: Wow, your parents are really..

Kevin Vogelcheck: Affectionate. Yeah I know.

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Alright come on kids have a seat. We’re just in the middle of watching the NFL Draft.

Dwayne Vogelcheck: Hey is that Tweedle Dum down there?

Kevin Vogelcheck: Big brother Dwayne, always busting my chops.

Dwayne Vogelcheck: Hey I heard the nerd parade was in town but I didn’t know they were coming up our streets.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Duane, come on.

Dwayne Vogelcheck: Hey, I’m just givin em a good time come on. Hey wet willie.

Kevin Vogelcheck: No!

(Dwayne slobbers all over Kevin)

Mr. Vogelcheck: Hey pick on someone your own size. Get over here.

Dwayne Vogelcheck: Hey.

(they all kiss)

Austin Vogelcheck: Oh well well. If it isn’t Jones Master General.

Kevin Vogelcheck: That’s my other brother Austin.

Austin Vogelcheck: Wait a minute, you bozos have been out here all this time and you haven’t said hello to your great grandma Vogelcheck.

Great Grandma Vogelcheck: It is so good to see you all. (kissing)

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Okay everyone be quiet. The NFL Draft is back from commercial.

Austin Vogelcheck: Ooh! ooh! I’m so excited. (he kisses Kevin)

Mr. Vogelcheck: Me too! (je kisses Austin)

Kevin Vogelcheck: Ooh! Turn the volume up.

Announcer: The St. Louis Rams select Michael Sam. We now take you live to his agent’s house where he’s celebrating with his boyfriend.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Wow is he kissing his boyfriend?

Dwayne Vogelcheck: Seems like a lot for TV. (he snuggles in Mrs. Vogelcheck’s breasts)

Austin Vogelcheck: (snuggling Mr. Vogelcheck’s neck) Yeah I mean people are watching this with their families. (he licks his neck)

Matt: Um, excuse me everyone I’m sorry I have to say something. I didn’t speak up when you all made out as a family and I think you’re being a little close minded about a happy couple celebrating on television who just happened to be gay.

Kevin Vogelcheck: Matt!

Mr. Vogelcheck: No, no, no, no. Matt’s right. Sometimes we get so caught up in loving our own family we forget about… loving everyone in the world.

Dwayne Vogelcheck: That’s right.

Mr. Vogelcheck: And that’s important.

Dwayne Vogelcheck: Totally important.

Mr. Vogelcheck: I guess this kinda, I don’t know, makes all a bunch of little, kinda, I don’t know. Vogelchecks. Just don’t let grandma see, okay? She’s a little old fashioned.

Great Grandma Vogelcheck: What is this on TV? Oh God, oh no. Oh, no.

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Oh, no! Grandma’s having a heart attack! Quick! Get her nurse! Get her nurse!

[ Nurse rushes in ]

Nurse: What?! Oh my heavens! Oh, Mrs. Vogelcheck! I can save her! (kisses her, then grabs her breasts) One, two, three, four… I need more air!

Austin Vogelcheck: Take mine!

(they pass mouth-to-mouth to one another until it reaches Grandma)

Great Grandma Vogelcheck: I’m alright!

Matt: Now, now that’s what I call a touch down!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live: 2013-2014


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: 2013-2014


Starring:

  • Vanessa Bayer
  • Aidy Bryant
  • Taran Killam
  • Kate McKinnon
  • Seth Meyers
  • Bobby Moynihan
  • Nasim Pedrad
  • Jay Pharoah
  • Cecily Strong
  • Kenan Thompson

    Featuring:
  • Beck Bennett
  • John Milhiser
  • Kyle Mooney
  • Mike O’Brien
  • Noël Wells
  • Brooks Wheelan

    • Writers:

  • James Anderson
  • Michael Che
  • Mikey Day
  • Jim Downey
  • Steve Higgins
  • Colin Jost (Head Writer)
  • Zach Kanin
  • Chris Kelly
  • Erik Kenward
  • Rob Klein (Head Writer)
  • Seth Meyers (Head Writer)
  • Lorne Michaels
  • Claire Mulaney
  • Josh Patten
  • Paula Pell
  • Tim Robinson
  • Marika Sawyer (Writing Supervisor)
  • Sarah Schneider
  • Pete Schultz
  • John Solomon (Writing Supervisor)
  • Kent Sublette
  • Bryan Tucker (Writing Supervisor)

    • Episodes

  • 09/28/13: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire
  • 10/05/13: Miley Cyrus
  • 10/12/13: Bruce Willis / Katy Perry
  • 10/26/13: Edward Norton / Janelle Monae
  • 11/02/13: Kerry Washington / Eminem
  • 11/16/13: Lady Gaga
  • 11/23/13: Josh Hutcherson / HAIM
  • 12/07/13: Paul Rudd / One Direction
  • 12/14/13: John Goodman / Kings of Leon
  • 12/21/13: Jimmy Fallon / Justin Timberlake
  • 01/18/14: Drake
  • 01/25/14: Jonah Hill / Bastille
  • 02/01/14: Melissa McCarthy / Imagine Dragons
  • 03/01/14: Jim Parsons / Beck
  • 03/08/14: Lena Dunham / The National
  • 03/29/14: Louis C.K. / Sam Smith
  • 04/05/14: Anna Kendrick / Pharrell Williams
  • 04/12/14: Seth Rogen / Ed Sheeran
  • 05/03/14: Andrew Garfield / Coldplay
  • 05/10/14: Charlize Theron / Black Keys
  • 05/17/14: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

    • Summary

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/12/14




     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 39: Episode 18


    This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>





    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    Cameos:





    Bit Players:


    April 12th, 2014

    Seth Rogen

    Ed Sheeran

    None

    James Franco

    Zooey Deschanel

    Taylor Swift

    None
    GOP at CoachellaSummary: Paul Ryan (Taran KIllam) and Jeb Bush (Beck Bennett) try to make themselves relevant to a younger audience at a music festival.

    Recurring Characters: Paul Ryan, Jeb Bush.

    Montage

    Seth Rogen’s MonologueSummary: Seth Rogen’s diary readings are interrupted by unwanted cameos from James Franco, Zooey Deschanel and Taylor Swift.

    ShallonSummary:

    Recurring Characters: Shallon.

    CNN Pregnancy Test Summary: Hopeful Mom-to-be (Vanessa Bayer) receives frequent though useless updates on the possibility of her being pregnant.

    Transcript

    SteakhouseSummary:

    Monster PalsSummary: After being made fun of in a bar, a pair of monsters (James Franco, Mike O’Brien) have reconstructive surgery to look human.

    Transcript

    Blue River Dog FoodSummary: Pat’s (Seth Rogen) testimonial for Blu River Dog Food takes an abrupt turn when Cindy (Cecily Strong) lashes out at the lack of integrity of their previous brand.

    Transcript

    Ed Sheeran performs “Sing”

    Weekend Update with Cecily Strong & Colin JostSummary: Red Sox player David Ortiz (Kenan Thompson) explains the selfie he took with President Obama. Bar Mitzvah boy Jacob (Vanessa Bayer) still isn’t quite ready to bond with Cecily Strong.

    Recurring Characters: Jacob.

    Engagement PartySummary: (Seth Rogen) is embarrassed when his cousin Stacey (Cecily Strong) crashes his engagement party to announce that he had a one-time drunken gay encounter.

    Undercover SharptonSummary: In the 1970’s, Rev. Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) goes undercover to assist the FBI in a drug bust.

    Ed Sheeran performs “Don’t”

    Happy 420Summary: Wanna-be pot smoker (Kyle Mooney) celebrates the return of Bob Blinger on April 20th.

    Herman & SonsSummary: George Herman (Seth Rogen) and Eugene Sons (Kenan Thompson) announce the transition of their business venture from a sperm bank to a yogurt parlor.

    Transcript

    GoodnightsTranscript

    Dress Rehearsal Cuts

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/12/14: CNN Take-Home Pregnancy Test



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 39: Episode 18












    13r: Seth Rogen / Ed Sheeran

    CNN Take-Home Pregnancy Test

    Man…..Beck Bennett
    Woman…..Vanessa Bayer

    [ open on couple holding a pregnancy test in their hands ]

    Man: Are you ready to find out?

    Woman: I’m nervous.

    Man: Don’t be! Everything’s going to be fine.

    [ cut to couple in testimonial ]

    Woman: Deciding to have a baby wasn’t a simple decision.

    Man: And we didn’t want a pregnancy test that just gave us a simple “Yes” or “No.”

    Woman: We wanted more information.

    Man: And when it comes to giving information, there’s only one name we trust to give it to us constantly.

    Woman: That’s why we use the new CNN Take-Home Pregnancy Test. Its relentless breaking alerts let us know that it’s working hard to find out if we’re having a baby.

    [ cut to Woman exiting bathroom with pregnancy test in her hands ]

    Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! SEARCH FOR PREGNANCY UNDERWAY!

    Woman V/O: As CNN slowly analyzes my urine, it updates me on its “Breaking News” screen.

    Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! SEARCH FOR PREGNANCY CONTINUES!

    Man V/O: Because CNN believes that we deserve all the information they can find.

    Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! CNN MORE CONFIDENT THAN EVER THAT IT WILL SOON KNOW IF YOU’RE PREGNANT!

    Man V/O: Even if that information is no information.

    Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! SEARCH FOR PREGNANCY ENTERS THIRD WEEK!

    Why is this taking so long? It’s 2014!

    Man: Honey, it’s not the stick’s fault, it’s telling you everything it knows.

    Woman: I know. I’m not mad at the stick. It’s just — This was fun at first, but now it’s just: “WAIT, and tell me when you know!”

    Man V/O: Breaking alerts, every ten minutes.

    Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! 6 MILLION U.S. WOMEN GET PREGNANT EACH YEAR!

    Woman: So?!

    Man V/O: Daytime and nighttime.

    Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING!…

    Woman: Oh, my God…

    Man: [ groggy ] We’re having a baby…?

    Woman: Nope. Oscar Pistorius took his legs off in court.

    Woman V/O: And when CNN finally does make a discovery about a pregnancy —

    Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! PREGNANCY FOUND!!!

    Woman: Pregnancy found!!

    Man: YES!!

    Woman V/O: I know it’ll be accurate —

    Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! CANNOT CONFIRM PREGNANCY!

    Woman V/O: 15% of the time.

    Man: Great.

    Woman: Great! Cool! Awesome! How great!

    Man: Fine!

    [ cut to product ]

    Man V/O: The CNN Home Pregnancy Test.

    Woman: For when you want to know, but they don’t know.

    [ cut to Woman entering room with baby in her arms ]

    Woman: Honey! I guess I was pregnant!

    [ they hug ]

    Together: Thanks, CNN!!

    Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING!

    Woman: Oh! And Ke$ha just took the dollar sign out of her name.

    Man: Hmm.

    Woman: Hmm.

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/12/14: Blue River Dog Food



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 39: Episode 18










    13r: Seth Rogen / Ed Sheeran

    Blue River Dog Food

    Cindy…..Cecily Strong
    Pat…..Seth Rogen

    [ open on couple seated on couch ]

    Cindy: Our animals? They’re like part of the family. [ to her dog ] Right, Peanut?

    Pat: We have kids, too! [ he chuckles ]

    Cindy: But the animals, we’ve had longer. And I want the best for them. That’s why we switched to… Blue River Dog Food.

    Pat: Blue River NEVER skimps on ingredients, like our old dog food. I mean, look what our dog was eating before: [ he holds up old dog food bag ]

    Cindy: [ reading ] “Ground yellow corn”? “Chicken byproduct meal”? I mean, did they really think we weren’t gonna look?

    Pat: We did look, and now we know better.

    Cindy: I know, but… the thing that gets me is, it’s, like… what kind of person thinks it’s okay to put a big drawing of a chicken on the front of the bag, and yet, there’s no chicken in there!

    Pat: It’s okay, honey! [ he laughs nervously ] We’re using BLUE RIVER now!

    Cindy: [ laughing maniacally ] Well, how is that okay, Pat? HOW?! ‘Cause… we fed that old GARBAGE to our DOG, Pat! You know?

    Pat: I know. Are you… are you about to cry right now?

    Cindy: Um… maybe! I don’t know!

    Pat: It’s, it’s, it’s okay! We switched brands!

    Cindy: It’s NOT okay, Pat! It’s like they think I’m DUMB!!

    Pat: No, they don’t think we’re dumb, they just think we don’t care as much as we do!

    Cindy: Ohhh, please! Give me a break, BIG NAME DOG FOOD!! You know, what OTHER compromises can we make?!! You want to have SEX with my husband?!! BEND OVER, Pat, they want to GET THAT ASS!!

    Pat: No! I-I-I-I don’t think that’s what they want…! I think they’re just cutting corners on their dog food.

    Cindy: “Cutting corners”?! There’s no CHICKEN, Pat!!

    Pat: Th-th-th-there is some chicken! There’s just not that much chicken! There are trace amounts of chicken!

    Cindy: Oh! Oh! “Trace amounts”! I’m sorry, I’m just INSANE!! That’s great! “Trace amounts”! Have you heard that, Peanut?! Have you tasted “trace amounts of chicken”?!

    [ the dog remains silent ]

    Pat: Look — I don’t know what you want me to DO, Cindy! Okay?!

    Cindy: GET ANGRY, PAT!! YOU BE ON MY SIDE FOR ONCE!!

    Pat: I AM ANGRY!!

    Cindy: NO, YOU’RE NOT!! I have SEEN you angry!! You be a MAN, Pat!!

    Pat: I AM BEING A MAN!! I’M BEING A MAN RIGHT NOW!! I DON’T APPRECIATE THAT!! I’M TRYING TO MAKE IT BETTER!!

    Cindy: HOW, Pat?!

    Pat: WE SWITCHED BRANDS!! THREE WEEKS AGO!!

    Cindy: [ crying ] IT’S NOT ENOUGH!! I WANT SOMEONE FROM THAT COMPANY TO COME HERE… AND LOOK MY DOG IN THE FACE AND SAY… “SORRY!!!”

    [ the dog is pre-occupied with a chew toy ]

    Cindy: AND SAY “SORRY” TO ME, AND THEN “SORRY” TO MY FAMILY… AND THEN GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!! YOU CAN BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT, FOR ALL I CARE!!

    Pat: Honey, Big Brand Dog Food is NOT gonna do that!

    Cindy: [ clutching her temple ] I hate everyone on Earth…!! People are LIARS… and LOSERS!! [ she screams ]

    Pat: SHUT UP!! YOU’RE UPSETTING THE DOG!!

    [ the dog just stares at the camera ]

    Cindy: Our DOG?!! Our dog is BRAIN DEAD from eating LITTER and CRAP DOG it’s WHOLE LIFE!!

    Pat: I need you to calm down!! Okay?!!

    [ she screams in his face ]

    Pat: Just… walk around! Get some air! Okay?!

    [ she walks to the back wall and stretches her arms to the ceiling ]

    Cindy: I give up! I TOTALLY give up! You know? They win! There’s no fight left in me. Big Name Brand Dog Food, you won, okay? [ she returns to the couch and sits ] Take my dog, take my house… I’m done…!

    Pat: Honey… we’re feeding the dog the GOOD STUFF now! We’re GOOD!!

    Cindy: Are, are we? I want to believe that you care about me, but…

    Pat: Honey… we bought BLUE RIVER DOG FOOD as SOON as we found out!!

    Cindy: [ she shrugs ] Okay…

    [ cut to product image ]

    Announcer: They switched to Blue River. Real ingredients and real quality. Show your pet you care.

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/12/14: Monster Pals



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 39: Episode 18


















    13r: Seth Rogen / Ed Sheeran

    Monster Pals

    Bartender…..Kenan Thompson
    Jim…..Connor O’Malley/James Franco
    Danny…..Mike O’Brien
    Bully…..Seth Rogen
    Patron…..Taran Killam

    [ open on Clancy’s Bar ]

    Bartender: Here you go, fellas. Hey — no trouble tonight. I know sometimes you monsters like to get a little rowdy. [ he gives one final stink-eye as he steps away ]

    Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Typical.

    Jim: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Yeah, what was that all about?

    [ a Bully and his posse enter the bar ]

    Bully: Hey! You dumb MONSTERS! [ to his buddies ] Watch this. [ to the monsters ] Yo! What’s UP, uglies? Nice… gross green skin! This guy’s got… He-Man’s HAIR! He doesn’t even have LIPS! Where’s this guy’s LIPS?! Just do me a favor, Monster: Don’t look in that mirror right there… ’cause you might BREAK IT! YOU UGLY MONSTER!

    [ the Bully and his buddies laugh as they walk away ]

    [ the monsters look glumly at their reflections in the mirror ]

    Jim: [ growling, with subtitles: ] He’s right, Danny. We’re ugly! I’ve been thinking about getting the surgery.

    Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Whoa… Heavy. I mean, whatever you gotta do. It’s just, if you get a surgery to look human… how will I tell you apart from the rest of them?

    Jim: Hey, man… Even if I look human, inside I’ll always be… your buddy Jim.

    [ they hug ]

    [ SUPER: “One Week Later” ]

    [ Danny enters the bar, looking for Jim ]

    Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Is that you, Jim?

    Patron: You’re looking for Jim? I’m not Jim, I’m Dave!

    Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Sorry, my friend has this jacket.

    Patron: Yeah, well a lot of people have this jacket, alright? [ Danny shirks away ] I hope you find him. You can’t just go grabbing people, man! You gotta watch that.

    [ cut to footage of Danny randomly approaching unsuspecting New Yorkers and asking for Jim, scaring the shit out of most of them who don’t know what’s going on ]

    [ Danny stops by a video store window and glimpses a scene from “Monsters University” ]

    Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] They took a lot of liberties on that one.

    [ Danny chases a group of kids at Washington Square ]

    Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] There’s been a misunderstanding.

    [ Danny sees a girl wearing a chicken mask ]

    Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Sooooo… I actually work out quite a bit myself.

    Girl: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Look, I have a boyfriend.

    Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Alright. Alright. Forget it.

    [ Danny appears in the outdoor crowd during “The Today Show” ]

    [ Danny sits on a bench advertising the monster face reconstruction surgery by Dr. Wiencko ]

    [ suddenly, Danny spots a familiar shape leaning along the pier ]

    Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Uh… Jim…?

    Jim: [ smiling ] Danny!

    [ they hug ]

    Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] You’re a hunk!

    Jim: Aw, I feel GREAT! This surgery is AWESOME!

    Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] I’m really happy for you, Jim.

    Jim: I don’t go by “Jim” any more. Now it’s… James.

    Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Jaaaaaames.

    Jim: James.

    [ SUPER: “One Week Later” ]

    Jim: So how do you feel? You happy you did it?

    Danny: I am, yeah — I feel good. I mean… I don’t love the nose they gave me, I might have that changed soon…

    Jim: Yeah, I don’t know why you chose that face…

    Danny: It’s just a little bit cheaper, and… hmm…

    Jim: Oh, well.

    Danny: Good to see you!

    [ Danny wraps his monster hand around James’ shoulder ]

    [ SUPER: “The End” ]

    SNL Transcripts