SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: An SNL Digital Short



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 21








13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Pharrell Williams
Whore…..Maya Rudolph

[ open as Andy Samberg’s cellphone rings ]

Andy Samberg: Hello?

Girl: Hi! This is Bridget. Should I come over later?

Andy Samberg: I’m sorry, I don’t know a Bridget.

Bridget: Well, that’s not what you said when you hugged me last night.

Andy Samberg: You think we’re an item just because I gave you a hug? Trick! You better think again.

Lonely Island: [ rapping ]“We are not gentlemen!
Yo! I’ll hug a girl like it don’t mean nothin’
Then turn around and start huggin’ her cousin
I don’t love ’em, end of the fuckin’ discussion
Got ’em tucked between my wings like Thanksgiving stuffing

She wanna hug from behind – I did it
Then her friend jump in; I’m wit’ it
I hug ’em tighter than a tube top;
After that, it’s just a matter of time
Before the other shoe drop.

I get more hugs than Oprah selling drugs
And the drug was pure X – no marriage, no sex.
Just hugs.”

Pharrell Williams: [ singing ]“Don’t get mad, girl. We get mad girls
And we’re hugging all over the world
So don’t catch feelings, it ain’t love
We’re just the kings of giving out hugs
And if you wanna settle down, you know you got us all wrong
So we move to the next one, no disrespect, hon
But you can’t hug a rolling stone.”

Lonely Island: [ rapping ]“You can’t hug a rolling stone cause it’ll crush you
Begging me to hug you again? That’s when I shush you
On an airplane, at a Knick game
Feel the same damn thing when I hug them
Which is nothing
Can’t trust them, lose all respect when I hug them

Now guess who’s back in the motherfucking house
With a fat hug for your sweater and your blouse
Hugged so many ladies, arms shaky and shit
Because I’m the Wilt Chamberlain of the upper-body grip.
(HUGS!)

Cause I get more hugs than a batch of puppy pugs
Sitting on a fluffy rug, getting tickled touched and rubbed
(OH SHIT!)
Real talk, like you chatting with a fisherman
Wrap these chicks up like a motherfucking swisher, man!”

Pharrell Williams: [ singing ]“This ain’t love girl, because this hug world
Is just a big Game of Thrones
We be king of the castle, got arms like a lasso.
But you can’t hug a rolling stone.

I been hugging on your mama
Especially when your daddy’s gone
Wearing his pajamas
I know you thinking that is wrong
I don’t care what son does
I’m concentrating on her back
I just wanna hug your mama in her Subaru hatchback.
Put her in a figure-4, yes I’m a hug gigolo
Now she tells her tupperware friends to let their sisters know…”

Lonely Island:
“…that I give more hugs than Atlas had shrugs
(Rest my head on her shoulder)
While your man mean mugs.”

Pharrell Williams:
“We had fun, girl. But don’t get sprung, girl
Just because I hugged you raw
We can do a group thing, bring Sarah and Susan
And we can have a hug-a-trois.
So quit trying to own my hugs
I gave you these arms on loan
So come give me a hug
The waistline and above
When push comes to shove
You can’t hug a rolling stone.”

Whore: Purex! Purex for sale!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: Legolas from ‘The Hobbit’ Tries to Order at Taco Bell



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 21








13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

Legolas from ‘The Hobbit’ Tries to Order at Taco Bell

Legolas…..Andy Samberg
Employee…..Jay Pharoah
Gimli…..Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: And now, Legolas from The Hobbit tries to order at Taco Bell.

Legolas: I have no memory of this place. Good Day!

Employee: Welcome to Taco Bell. May I take your order, please?

Legolas: A red sun rises. Blood has been spilled this night.

Employee: No man. It’s just sauce over there.

Legolas: I’ll take two beef chalupas.

Employee: Two beef chalupas for this hippie lady.

Legolas: You have my thanks. But I cannot linger. How’s the Cool Ranch Doritos Taco Loco? Is that good? I keep hearing about it.

Gimli: Just save some for me!

Legolas: Gimli, you’ve returned!

Gimli: That’s right old friend. Hi, I’ll have a cheesy chicken burrito as well as, one of everything else on the menu, please. Ha, ha, ha! Funny! I thought I would never dine with an elf.

Legolas: Then how about dining with a friend?

Gimli: Aye! That I can do. Ha ha ha!

Employee: (looking at the camera) White people.

Announcer: This has been Legolas from The Hobbit tries to order at Taco Bell.

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: The Vogelchecks



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 21












13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

The Vogelchecks

Matt…..Taran Killam
Kevin Vogelcheck…..Andy Samberg
Mrs. Vogelcheck…..Kristin Wiig
Mr. Vogelcheck….Fred Armisen
Dwayne Vogelcheck…..Bill Hader
Austin Vogelcheck…..Paul Rudd
Great Grandma Vogelcheck…..Kate McKinnon
Nurse…..Maya Rudolph

[ open as Kevin and Matt enter the Vogelcheck living room ]

Matt: I got to admit, I’m a little nervous meeting my boyfriend’s parents and all.

Kevin Vogelcheck: Oh don’t worry, they’re gonna love you. When you in the Vogelcheck house, you’re family.

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Ken Is that you? Oh great! My little boy’s become a man. My little boy is a man. We were so worried about you because of the weather, wasn’t sure about plane but I can’t believe your here. (kissing)

Mr. Vogelcheck: Oh I know that voice. (applause) Look at you muscle man, huh? Hey are you lifting weights? What’d they do to you, huh, huh, huh. So proud of you so proud of you. So proud of you, so proud of you. And I love you.

Kevin Vogelcheck: Mom, pop this is my boyfriend Matt.

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Matt, we are so proud to have you here.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Matt no need to be shy around us we do not bite. Your mom does though.

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Will you tell your dad to stop teasing me?

Matt: Wow, your parents are really..

Kevin Vogelcheck: Affectionate. Yeah I know.

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Alright come on kids have a seat. We’re just in the middle of watching the NFL Draft.

Dwayne Vogelcheck: Hey is that Tweedle Dum down there?

Kevin Vogelcheck: Big brother Dwayne, always busting my chops.

Dwayne Vogelcheck: Hey I heard the nerd parade was in town but I didn’t know they were coming up our streets.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Duane, come on.

Dwayne Vogelcheck: Hey, I’m just givin em a good time come on. Hey wet willie.

Kevin Vogelcheck: No!

(Dwayne slobbers all over Kevin)

Mr. Vogelcheck: Hey pick on someone your own size. Get over here.

Dwayne Vogelcheck: Hey.

(they all kiss)

Austin Vogelcheck: Oh well well. If it isn’t Jones Master General.

Kevin Vogelcheck: That’s my other brother Austin.

Austin Vogelcheck: Wait a minute, you bozos have been out here all this time and you haven’t said hello to your great grandma Vogelcheck.

Great Grandma Vogelcheck: It is so good to see you all. (kissing)

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Okay everyone be quiet. The NFL Draft is back from commercial.

Austin Vogelcheck: Ooh! ooh! I’m so excited. (he kisses Kevin)

Mr. Vogelcheck: Me too! (je kisses Austin)

Kevin Vogelcheck: Ooh! Turn the volume up.

Announcer: The St. Louis Rams select Michael Sam. We now take you live to his agent’s house where he’s celebrating with his boyfriend.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Wow is he kissing his boyfriend?

Dwayne Vogelcheck: Seems like a lot for TV. (he snuggles in Mrs. Vogelcheck’s breasts)

Austin Vogelcheck: (snuggling Mr. Vogelcheck’s neck) Yeah I mean people are watching this with their families. (he licks his neck)

Matt: Um, excuse me everyone I’m sorry I have to say something. I didn’t speak up when you all made out as a family and I think you’re being a little close minded about a happy couple celebrating on television who just happened to be gay.

Kevin Vogelcheck: Matt!

Mr. Vogelcheck: No, no, no, no. Matt’s right. Sometimes we get so caught up in loving our own family we forget about… loving everyone in the world.

Dwayne Vogelcheck: That’s right.

Mr. Vogelcheck: And that’s important.

Dwayne Vogelcheck: Totally important.

Mr. Vogelcheck: I guess this kinda, I don’t know, makes all a bunch of little, kinda, I don’t know. Vogelchecks. Just don’t let grandma see, okay? She’s a little old fashioned.

Great Grandma Vogelcheck: What is this on TV? Oh God, oh no. Oh, no.

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Oh, no! Grandma’s having a heart attack! Quick! Get her nurse! Get her nurse!

[ Nurse rushes in ]

Nurse: What?! Oh my heavens! Oh, Mrs. Vogelcheck! I can save her! (kisses her, then grabs her breasts) One, two, three, four… I need more air!

Austin Vogelcheck: Take mine!

(they pass mouth-to-mouth to one another until it reaches Grandma)

Great Grandma Vogelcheck: I’m alright!

Matt: Now, now that’s what I call a touch down!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live: 2013-2014


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: 2013-2014


Starring:

  • Vanessa Bayer
  • Aidy Bryant
  • Taran Killam
  • Kate McKinnon
  • Seth Meyers
  • Bobby Moynihan
  • Nasim Pedrad
  • Jay Pharoah
  • Cecily Strong
  • Kenan Thompson

    Featuring:
  • Beck Bennett
  • John Milhiser
  • Kyle Mooney
  • Mike O’Brien
  • Noël Wells
  • Brooks Wheelan
  • Writers:

  • James Anderson
  • Michael Che
  • Mikey Day
  • Jim Downey
  • Steve Higgins
  • Colin Jost (Head Writer)
  • Zach Kanin
  • Chris Kelly
  • Erik Kenward
  • Rob Klein (Head Writer)
  • Seth Meyers (Head Writer)
  • Lorne Michaels
  • Claire Mulaney
  • Josh Patten
  • Paula Pell
  • Tim Robinson
  • Marika Sawyer (Writing Supervisor)
  • Sarah Schneider
  • Pete Schultz
  • John Solomon (Writing Supervisor)
  • Kent Sublette
  • Bryan Tucker (Writing Supervisor)
  • Episodes

  • 09/28/13: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire
  • 10/05/13: Miley Cyrus
  • 10/12/13: Bruce Willis / Katy Perry
  • 10/26/13: Edward Norton / Janelle Monae
  • 11/02/13: Kerry Washington / Eminem
  • 11/16/13: Lady Gaga
  • 11/23/13: Josh Hutcherson / HAIM
  • 12/07/13: Paul Rudd / One Direction
  • 12/14/13: John Goodman / Kings of Leon
  • 12/21/13: Jimmy Fallon / Justin Timberlake
  • 01/18/14: Drake
  • 01/25/14: Jonah Hill / Bastille
  • 02/01/14: Melissa McCarthy / Imagine Dragons
  • 03/01/14: Jim Parsons / Beck
  • 03/08/14: Lena Dunham / The National
  • 03/29/14: Louis C.K. / Sam Smith
  • 04/05/14: Anna Kendrick / Pharrell Williams
  • 04/12/14: Seth Rogen / Ed Sheeran
  • 05/03/14: Andrew Garfield / Coldplay
  • 05/10/14: Charlize Theron / Black Keys
  • 05/17/14: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent
  • Summary

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Charlize Theron: 05/10/14: Dragon Babies



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 39: Episode 20














    13t: Charlize Theron / Coldplay

    Dragon Babies

    Stewart McGary, Director…..Taram Killam
    Rick Shoulders…..Mike O’Brien
    Girl Dragon Actress…..Noël Wells
    …..Charlize Theron
    Actress…..Nasim Pedrad
    Pam Shoulders…..Cecily Strong

    [ open on cartoon footage ]

    Stewart McGary: “Dragon Babies” is the story of Bibbo. A young dragon who can’t breathe fire until he gets a magical powder at the top of a mountain. The only problem is, Bibbo is afraid of heights.

    [ cut to cartoon ]

    Girl Dragon: Last one to the top is a rotten egg. Come on Bibbo, what’s wrong?

    Bibbo: Nah, that’s a big no-go for me! I’d do it but, I’d, uh… I’d need more magic! [ he clears the phlegm from his throat ] [ reveal Rick Shoulders coughing in the studio ]

    Stewart McGary: Bibbo is voiced by retired Chicago Police Officer Rick Shoulders. So…

    Rick Shoulders: It’s always been my dream to do voiceover work. So, after I retired in ’09, I headed to Tinsel Town to try my luck.

    [ cut to cartoon ]

    Boy Dragon: We need a fire to stay warm.

    Girl Dragon: Bibbo, can you try to breathe fire?

    Bibbo: Oh, shut up! I can’t do it.

    [ cut to Rick and actress in the studio ]

    Girl Dragon Actress: You just have to believe…

    Rick Shoulders: God, I know, I gotta believe in myself, but I don’t yet, ya know, there’s the rub! [ he clears his throat ] [ cut to testimonial ]

    Girl Dragon Actress: Well, Rick cut me off a lot. And cleared his throat in almost every take.

    Stewart McGary: It’s gonna be a little hard to animate around coughing, so just take a moment now to get that out of your system.

    Rick Shoulders: [ ferociously clearing his throat ] That’s not going anywhere, that’s not gonna go anywhere!

    [ cut to testimonial ]

    Stewart McGary: We were thrilled to have Charlize Theron involved. She’s playing Mayshowers, the candy witch.

    Charlize Theron: Working with Rick Shoulders was a dream. So many actors are fake, but he’s real. Who knows, maybe in a parallel universe a guy like Rick goes for a girl like me.

    Stewart McGary: As the dragon babies begin their journey, they get a little help from Princess Glendour the wood nymph who’s voiced by Rick’s wife, Pam Shoulders.

    Actress: See Bibbo, you don’t have to be scared.

    Rick Shoulders: Rick Shoulders: Scared? Oh, is my guy like the pussy in this thing?

    Pam Shoulders: [ laughing ] Yeah, you’re the pussy!

    Rick Shoulders: Oh, all right. I’ll be the pussy. Oh, dow-ti-do! You shut the hell up, come here!

    [ they kiss ]

    Stewart McGary: At one point Bibbo is trapped on a lilypad.

    [ cut to cartoon ]

    Bibbo: I’m trapped in Cramp Feather Bog.

    Princess Glendour: And that lily pad’s takin’ on water, Bibbo.

    Dragon: We’ll save you Bibbo.

    Bibbo: Yeah, hop to it. Oh great, this sandwich has got cheese on it.

    [ cut to Rick Shoulders holding sandwich in studio ]

    Rick Shoulders: Pam I got yours.

    Pam Shoulders: No. No, I got the right one, ’cause mine’s got eggs, see?

    Rick Shoulders: Oh, they both got cheese on ’em. Those freakin’ idiots!

    [ cut to testimonial ]

    Stewart McGary: Yes. Sure. People have questioned my casting choice but Rick’s a great guy. Ah, I mean, I don’t mind saying he’s my AA sponsor. He saved my life.I owe a lot to him. But after this, I think we’re square.

    Rick Shoulders: Director’s a good kid. Cast me right after I got cut from another gig. In fact, I will say two worst days in my life. One, getting cut the first day of recording on “Madagascar”. And number two is the day I shot Justin Mitchell. Unarmed guy, goin’ for his wallet. Couldn’t tell what he had. Couldn’t tell what he had. Shot him 10 times.

    [ cut to cartoon ]

    Stewart McGary: The climactic ending is where the dragon babies are facing off against Torlax.

    Girl Dragon: He’s got Princess Glendour.

    Princess Glendour: Listen to me close, Bibbo, shoot that scuzbucket right between the eyes.

    Bibbo: Now, Pam, duck!

    [ Bibbo blasts fire from his mouth ] [ in the studio, Rick Shoulders fires his gun repeatedly ]

    Stewart McGary: He actually shot real bullets into the recording studio floor and hit a guy one floor down.

    Rick Shoulders: [ he sighs ] Another bad day for Rick. Shot another guy. Damn it. But ah, go see “Dragon Babies” in the theater. It’s a story of a pussy that shoots a sczzbucket. Ah, it’s a good time. This has been “HBO: First Looks”. Psssh! Oh, not that.

    Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Charlize Theron: 05/10/14: Girlfriends Talk Show



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 39: Episode 20








    13t: Charlize Theron / Coldplay

    Girlfriends Talk Show

    Kyra…..Cecily Strong
    Morgan…..Aidy Bryant
    Miss Christine…..Charlize Theron

    Kyra: Oh my gosh! Hi, I’m Kyra. And I’m never gonna stop doing me.

    Morgan: And I’m Morgan and I’m gonna do as much me as I can.

    Kyra: We’re BFFs, best fabulous friends.

    Morgan: And we’re more than friends.

    Kyra: No, we’re not. Morgan, what do you mean? More than friends means more like a couple.

    Morgan: A couple of great friends.

    Kyra: No, like a sex couple.

    Morgan: Oh my God! Oh my God, I told everyone at camp that we’re more than friends.

    Kyra: Well, stop now and clear that up, okay? Cause my boyfriend watches all of this. Awesome! Today on the show is our new Geometry teacher’s cool, Miss Christine.

    Morgan: Yeah, she wears jeans and she’s a teacher. Only in America.

    Kyra: She’s definitely a free spirit. I saw her dancing for a man at Ruby’s Tuesdays. Please welcome, Miss Christine.

    Miss Christine: Hello actors. Yes, I hope we are all breathing deeply from our anuses.

    Morgan: Miss Christine, I’m scared we’re gonna have to bleep anus.

    Kyra: That’s not a bad word, it’s medical.

    Morgan: Yeah, but it’s near the underneath and it’s the worse parts of the privates.

    Kyra: Morgan, you’re acting out of fear.

    Miss Christine: The bravest thing we do as actors is lose fear and just live. Stand in front of people naked and just say, “This is my vessel. Deal with me, I’m a lot.”

    Kyra: Awesome! Miss Christine just got fired recently from out school.

    Miss Christine: I quit because they wouldn’t let me do the Vagina Monologues. They said it was too adult. I said, “I’ve adapted a teen version called The Gynelogues.

    Morgan: Okay, let’s cool it on the Gyne talk. Honestly, I’m starting to sweat.

    Kyra: Awesome! First topic, Party whistles!

    Kyra: We changed it on Google Docs.

    Morgan: What? I can’t use Google. I’m not allowed online without supervision after my parents caught me googling Ron Weasley topless.

    Miss Christine: During my two days as your teacher, we were working on the scene I wrote for you. I crave to see how the work is coming.

    Kyra: Awesome!

    Miss Christine: Breathe from the coccyx and begin.

    Kyra: Momma, I’m 16. I’m gonna go to New York and be somebody. I have dreams.

    Morgan: Oh, you and me both child. I have dreams of your daddy’s hot booze breath and rough hands.

    Miss Christine: Okay, Morgan, Morgan, try it like this. You and me both child. I have dreams of your daddy’s hot booze breath and rough hands.

    Morgan: Okay. That’s enough, I think we get the gist.

    Kyra: Morgan, what’s so funny? I feel like your sexual frustration is holding you back.

    Kyra: Yeah.

    Morgan: I think you are!

    Kyra: Awesome! Those are great notes, Miss Christine. Next topic.

    Morgan: Rainbow looms!

    Miss Christine: Men.

    Kyra: A new cigarette, awesome!

    Morgan: Wait, men? What do you mean men?

    Kyra: That’s the topic. Men.

    Miss Christine: I’ve been told by every man that I’ve dated that I am too much to handle. I’m more trouble than I’m worth. I’m a firecracker that was thought of as a dud and they go back to check it and it explodes in their faces. In short, I’m a bitch on feet.

    Morgan: Good grief!

    Kyra: Awesome! My boyfriend’s older. He bought me a really nice GoPro camera and he had me strap it to my head and run through the worst parts of town while drinking Wanton soup and in a styrofoam to go cup. Then he downloaded the footage and he sent it to doctor.donald.custer@aol.com. And that’s not his name, so I don’t know who that is. My boyfriend’s crazy.

    Morgan: Well, someday, I’m gonna have a boyfriend and he will be as well behaved, noble, and physically strong as my male guinea pig John Phillipe.

    Kyra: I thought John Phillipe ate all your grandma’s heart medicine?

    Morgan: Yeah, we tried to make him throw it up but he was too proud. He died on his own terms.

    Miss Christine: You can use that pain in your work, and also in your lovemaking.

    Morgan: Oh my God! Can I just ask you for no more feedback please? You’re not our teacher anymore. You’re just a lady in jeans.

    Miss Christine: That’s the passion I’ve been wanting from you!

    Morgan: Well, I have passion? Oh my God! Oh my God! Well, that’s our sexy show!

    Kyra: Okay, Morgan, that’s enough. See you later, bye! Bye!

    Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Charlize Theron: 05/10/14: Dating Seminar



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 39: Episode 20










    13t: Charlize Theron / Coldplay

    Dating Seminar

    Speaker…..Vanessa Bayer
    Heshi Farrahat…..Nasim Pedrad
    Gail…..Charlize Theron
    Fashid…..Mike O’Brien

    Speaker: The Courtyard Marriott Agora Hills, welcomes you to this 3-day orkshop intensive, The Man Plan: A Single Woman’s Guide To Finding Love. And now it’s my pleasure to bring out the woman you all came to see. She’s a motivational speaker, life coach, and dating expert who’s appeared on over one podcast. Please welcome Heshi Farrahat.

    (dance music)

    Heshi: Hello single women! I am Heshi.

    (boom!)

    Heshi: So why am I, Heshi, qualified to help you find love? Because I have a love life, that is cash money.(ka-ching!)

    Heshi: But it wasn’t always like that. After eight months of zero people responding to my profile, e-Harmony eventually sent me an email that just said, “Are you okay?” But I turned things around and now I stand before you, a 44-year-old woman who has, recently as last night, sat next to a man at a bar and we made eye contact once!

    (boom-chucka, gunshot)

    Heshi: Joining me today is a woman who, using my techniques, has had real, grown men in her home. Give it up for my best friend, Gail!

    Gail: Hey there! I’m Gail.

    (“Gail! Gail!” gunshot!)

    Heshi: Gail and I met years ago when she was the instructor of my accent removal class, which I’m retaking.

    Gail: Before Heshi’s system, I was a goofy, asexual mess. But now, I’ve been to over-the-sweater second base with a man who works in an office. Thanks, Heshi!

    (“Heshi, Heshi, Heshi!”)

    (“Gail, Gail!”)

    (“Heshi!”)

    (“Gail!”)

    (“Heshi!”)

    (“Gail! Gail!”)

    (“Heshi, Heshi!”)

    (machine gunfire)

    (“Gail!”)

    Heshi: Quick shout-out to the man behind our cues and beats, rocking an exciting new Kangol hat and crushing puberty, my son Fashid.

    Fashid: Mother, please, I’m embarrassed.

    Heshi: Okay, ladies, here comes some bullet points.

    (gunshots)

    Heshi: Step one of Heshi’s Man Plan: Be aggressive. If a door slams in your face, kick it back open.

    (ding-dong!)

    (glass shattering)

    Gail: 15 minutes into a recent coffee date, a man said to me, “You’re cute! But I think I hate your personality.” But I didn’t give up. I continued to text him selfies of me and my car, and now that ball’s in play.

    (basketball bouncing)

    (“Gail!”)

    Heshi: Step two: Be open minded. I was accidentally matched on Tinder with a quiet Chinese man who was gay and did not live near me. But instead of backing down, I insisted we meet for alcohol and chicken. How did it go? Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce I offered him my body, and he said, “We’ll see.”

    (“Quiet Chinese man!”)

    Gail: Step three: Be confident!

    Heshi: That’s right, Gail! I once showered with a man who described my body as “A complex network of flaws.” I said, “Hey, this is me, buddy!” So he said, “Okay”, and showered with his eyes closed.

    (whips — “Oh, yeah!”)

    Heshi: Which brings us to flirting. The key to good flirting is basic slight-of-hand magic. I know this much: No man can resist a woman who goes to a bar, and does this: (she pulls colored handkerchiefs from her mouth)

    (“This is flirty. This-s is flirty.”)

    Gail: So ladies, of the old you with a kitten…

    (meow!)

    Heshi: The new you is a beast!

    (owl hooting)

    Gail: So envision that old single you in front of you and kick her ass off!

    (gunshots!)

    (“Haduken! Impressive.”)

    Heshi: Okay, time to stretch, snack and go tinkle. But first, check this out!

    (dance music)

    Speaker: Hi there! Um, they’re towing everyone’s cars.

    Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Charlize Theron: 05/10/14: Come Do A Game Show with Your Mom.



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 39: Episode 20












    13t: Charlize Theron / Coldplay

    Come Do A Game Show with Your Mom.

    Joan Pendek…..Kate Mckinnon
    Michael…..Brooks Wheelan
    Jeremy…..Kyle Mooney
    Trish…..Charlize Theron
    Linda…..Aidy Bryant
    Dad…..Bobby Moynihan

    Announcer: You’re watching the Hallmark Channel. Up next, it’s our annual Mother’s Day Game Show. That’s right. It’s time for “Come Do A Game Show with Your Mom. It’ll Be Fun. Yes It Will!” And here’s your host and mom extraordinare, Joan Pendek.

    Joan Pendek: Okay, Okay. Oh man. Hey there, happy Mother’s Day. Welcome to the game. This is the show where three contestants, aka my kids prove how well they know their mom. Hi, guys!

    Michael: Hey mom.

    Jeremy: I don’t wanna be here!

    Joan Pendek: Yes you do, it’s fun. It’s fun. Okay. As always I let my kids pick what prizes they wanted to play for. Let’s find out what they are. Michael?

    Michael: If I win, you have to stop sending me recommendations from Angie’s list.

    Joan Pendek: Tough prize. Right out the gate. Okay. Jeremy, what you got?

    Jeremy: If I win, you have to let me get ear gauges.

    Joan Pendek: Jeremy no. Oh, please god no. You’ve such beautiful ears. Why? Why? Finally, my baby girl, Trish.

    Trish: Mom, I love you, but if I win you have to delete your Facebook.

    Joan Pendek: Honey, I can’t do that. That’s my window into your world. Okay. It’s time for the first round. Contestants, who’s that gal I like?

    Michael: Edie Falco.

    Joan Pendek: Yes, yes. I love Dr. Jackie, she’s the best, so real. Okay, next question. Who in Hollywood do I think is gay?

    Trish: Everyone.

    Joan Pendek: Yes. If you’re a good actor you might me gay. Go them. Next up, what’s the worst thing that happened to me all year?

    Trish: When we went to the movies and popcorn was 9 dollars.

    Joan Pendek: Yes, it’s robbery. That’s robbery. Okay. That’s the end of round one. Let’s go to our judges, AKA my neighbour, Linda, to see how you’re all doing.

    Linda: Hey, they are doing well and it warms my heart.

    Joan Pendek: Linda is doing much better. Her doctor said that it’s important that she be around people and learning right now. Alright, time for round two. These are for double points. Here we go. Which of these e-mails did I send you all last week? We got: AiDS making a comeback among whites, uncle Dick passed, or Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw: celery salad.

    Trish: All of them.

    Joan Pendek: That is correct. I did. And this next question is a picture. Okay, we got Michael in front of the Eiffel Tower. He’s pointing right to the tower and his caption says “Eiffel Tower”. The question is about Linda over there. What did Linda comment on that photo?

    Michael: Looks fun, where is this?

    Linda: I could not figure it out!

    Joan Pendek: Oh Linda. Alright next question. Which race of fellas did your father insult while we were eating at a Chinese restaurant?

    Trish: I feel like it should be Chinese, but I am gonna go say Indians.

    Joan Pendek: Ding, ding, ding. Yes. He said our waiter looked like that Slum Dog Millionaire. Okay, speaking of your dad, it’s time for quick dad round. Let’s bring him out. Alright.

    Dad: Hey guys, your question is how’re you doing? You doing good? Oh, yeah. Alright, kid here’s your mother. Thanks babe.

    Joan Pendek: Love you babe. You know, your dad just had hemorrhoid surgery. It’s very painful. That’s what happens, that’s why you don’t push, okay? If it’s not happening, you get up you come back later. And try it again. Okay, time for our final lightning round “What’d She Just Do?” I’m gonna show you pictures of my friends, you tell me what they just did. Capisce? Okay, first up we got Bunny. What a bunny just do?

    Michael: Didn’t say hi to you at Safeway.

    Joan Pendek: Yes. Bitch. We got Brenda. What Brenda just do?

    Trish: She knows what she did.

    Joan Pendek: Yes, she certainly does. Okay, we got Karen. What Karen just do?

    Jeremy: Put cameras in her garage because she keeps getting robbed.

    Joan Pendek: Yeah, and she’s not even rich. I don’t know! Pat. What’d Pat just do?

    Trish: She slept with Jeremy.

    Joan Pendek: What? Jeremy.

    Jeremy: What can I say mom. She’s a very charming woman.

    Joan Pendek: Oh my god. Okay well, you know what? You’re 18. She’s very attractive so I guess, have at it. Okay, and that’s all the time we have. We’re all winners because we’re all together. I’m Joan Pendek. I’m saying Happy Mother’s Day. Come give your mom a kiss. Come on. Get over here. Come on. Come on. There we go.

    Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Charlize Theron: 05/10/14: Charlize Theron’s Monologue



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 39: Episode 20




    13t: Charlize Theron / Coldplay

    Charlize Theron’s Monologue

    …..Charlize Theron
    …..Taran Killam
    …..Cecily Strong
    …..Kate McKinnon
    …..Sasheer Zamata
    …..Kenan Thompson
    …..Beck Bennett

    Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Charlize Theron!

    Charlize Theron: Thank you! Thank you, thank you! Wow, thank you so very much! It’s so great to be back here hosting “SNL”! The last time I hosted was in 2000… and I had so much fun, I waited fourteen years to come back. But seriously, being on the show actually taught me a lot about myself. You know, when I hosted the last time, they asked me, “Is there anything special you wanna do?” And I said, “You know what? I wanna sing. Because I love to sing”. So they wrote this sketch called Gemini’s Twin with Maya and Ana where I sang a lot and it was so much fun. But then I started noticing during rehearsals that the part where I sang kept getting smaller and smaller, and no one was ever like, “You know what, you can’t really sing” or anything like that. But by the time the sketch aired, this is how much I sang:

    [ cut to Gemini’s Twin sketch ]

    Gemini’s Twin: Yes, and we’re just keeping it real, Carson. [ vocalizing ] “Keeping it real.”

    Charlize Theron: [ spoken ] “Real.”

    [ return to Home Base ]

    Charlize Theron: Yeah. None. Turns out I’m not a good singer. It was kind of a weird and humbling experience. But now, here I am 14 years later and I know I’m not perfect, and I know I can’t sing. So… I thought we could sing a song about that!

    Taran Killam: “She’s beautiful.”

    Charlize Theron: Stop!

    Cecily Strong: “She’s charitable.”

    Charlize Theron: Come on!

    Kate McKinnon: “She’s won an Oscar, too.”

    Charlize Theron: Okay, that is true.

    [ Sasheer Zamata, Kenan Thompson and Beck Bennett join the chorus ]

    Cast: [ singing ]“It seems she can do everything
    But there’s one thing she can’t do!”

    Charlize Theron: [ clears and throat and screeches ]”I can’t si-i-i-i-i-ing!”

    Cast: [ singing ]“She cannot sing!
    She cannot sing!”

    Charlize Theron: “When I do, it comes out more just like a scream!”

    Cast: [ singing ]“She cannot sing!”

    Charlize Theron: “I cannot sing!”

    Cast: [ singing ]“But it’s okay because she’s great at every other thing!
    She’s a great romantic actor!”

    Charlize Theron: [ husky ] “Hey baby.”

    Cast: [ singing ]“And a great dramatic actor!”

    Charlize Theron: “My baby!!!”

    Cast: [ singing ]“She’s learning any role where she doesn’t doesn’t play a factor!”

    Charlize Theron: Oh, baby, baby, how was I supposed to… [ Kate stops her ] Okay.

    Cast: [ singing ]“She cannot sing!”

    Charlize Theron: “I cannot sing!”

    Cast: [ singing ]And although she cannot sing
    “Just look at all this other things.
    She can do a thousand accents!”

    Charlize Theron: “Sho’ can, Guv’nor!”

    Cast: [ singing ]“She can sing another language!”

    [ Theron rattles something in a foreign language ]

    Cast: [ singing ]“And before she was an actress
    She was trained to do ballet.”

    [ Theron performs a minuet ]

    Cecily Strong: Like, you’re so beautiful, I could watch you forever. but everybody, just remember one thing:

    Cast: [ singing ]“She cannot sing
    But we can sing
    We can’t dance like that
    But can at least we sing!”

    Charlize Theron: “I cannot sing!”

    Cast: [ singing ]“She cannot sing!”

    Charlize Theron: “But I’m taller than most men and they don’t care it I can’t sing!”

    Beck Bennett: [ standing eye-level with her breasts ] No, I don’t care!

    Charlize Theron: Yeah? Okay.

    Cast: [ singing ]“She’s a nearly perfect human
    Member of the union.”

    Kenan Thompson: But she almost just perfected the equation for confusion!

    Charlize Theron: I was so close, and I just feel like such a failure, and I just…

    Cast: Oh, nooooo…

    Charlize Theron: I don’t…

    Kate McKinnon: What are we doing? She’s fine!

    Cast: [ singing ]“She’s a producer and a record fashion model
    Ballet dancer, works for Fila
    And for women and in other countries
    Almost won an Oscar, starred in Monster.”

    Charlize Theron: I’ve also never had bad sex! Sorry… sorry… sorry…

    Cast: [ singing ]“So! That’s! Why! She! Can’t! Siiiiiiiiiing!”

    Charlize Theron: Thank you, everyone! We have a great show for you tonight! The Black Keys are here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

    Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Charlize Theron: 05/10/14: A Mother’s Day Message from Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 39: Episode 20




    13t: Charlize Theron / Coldplay

    A Mother’s Day Message from Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton

    Michelle Obama…..Sasheer Zamata
    Hillary Clinton…..Vanessa Bayer

    Announcer: And now, a Mother’s Day message from Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton.

    Michelle Obama: Hello, America. As two of our country’s first moms, Hillary and I wanna wish a happy Mother’s Day to all the moms around this wonderful nation.

    Hillary Clinton: Yeah, both of us have been called so many things. Uh, but you know, it’s nice to have one day where the first thing that we’re called is mom.

    Michelle Obama: And for Hillary and I to be here together, just the two of us… as mothers.

    Hillary Clinton: Uh, and soon grandma. But you know, a young, impact full grandma.

    Michelle Obama: Tomorrow morning, Barack and the kids will bring me breakfast in bed, then we’ll all go for a family run.

    Hillary Clinton: And I’m gonna put my Blackberry on airplane mode and watch “The Good Wife” in my zip-up robe.

    Michelle Obama: My family has already started with the presents. Look, I’m mother of the year.

    Hillary Clinton: And I have not yet decided if I will run for Mother of the Year.

    Michelle Obama: And I’ve even made a present for myself, these healthy, low-fat Mother’s Day cookies.

    Hillary Clinton: Delicious.

    Michelle Obama: Which are made out of flax seeds and dates. But I care less about the gifts that I receive. What Barack and I are really proud of is giving the gift of healthcare to 8 million Americans.

    Hillary Clinton: Ya know, which is funny because I tried to give them that gift 16 years ago, huh! So, it’s more like a re-gift.

    Michelle Obama: But we actually delivered it. Mothers today are doing more than ever before. They’re not only caretakers, they’re astronauts, they’re CEOs.

    Hillary Clinton: Yeah. Some could even be presidents! I don’t know! Who know?

    Michelle Obama: Of course! It didn’t happen in 2008 but maybe in 2016. The point is, Hillary and I know how hard it is to be working mothers.

    Hillary Clinton: Absolutely. You know, I just know a little bit more. I mean, for years, I was flying all over the world dealing with some of the worst humanitarian crisis, you know, but I suppose it’s also tough to make a chubby kid eat an apple.

    Michelle Obama: Well, obesity is killing our children.

    Hillary Clinton: Absolutely. You know, not so much in Syria. There, it’s more biological weapons, you know? But kids, watch out for cake! I certainly understand their concerns but, hey, Ukraine! Cookie alert! Get down! Get down! There’s a high risk of fun!

    Michelle Obama: You know, Ukraine has been in the news a lot lately. I’m sure you’d be on top of it if you didn’t quit your job.

    Hillary Clinton: Okay. Well, I’m surprised you had time to read the news between guest starring on Nashville and doing push-ups on Ellen, but you know, I guess that’s what first ladies do now. I don’t know! Yeah, yeah!

    Michelle Obama: Okay, all right. This is good, this is fun.

    Hillary Clinton: Yeah, this is fun. You know, I guess at the end of the day, we’re just two moms who, you know, like all moms are just trying our best, and you know, I really do like Nashville.

    Michelle Obama: I watch it every week.

    Hillary Clinton: Oh, we should watch it together. I literally have nothing to do right now…

    Michelle Obama: Absolutely. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m helping Beyonce teaching hip-hop dance class to under privileged kids.

    Hillary Clinton: And I’m meeting Barbara Baxter to go work out at Curbs.

    Michelle Obama: So, happy Mother’s Day, and (together) Live from New York! It’s Saturday Night!

    Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

    SNL Transcripts