Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
You know what would make a good story?
Something about a clown who makes people happy,
but inside he’s real sad.
Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Month: October 2018
SNL Transcripts: Jeremy Irons: 03/23/91
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
March 23rd, 1991
Jeremy Irons
Fishbone
Razor Ruddock
Fishbone, “Sunless Saturday”
Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz.
(Repeat) See: 02/16/91.
Recurring Characters: Richard Laymer.
A story about a sad clown with diarrrhea.
Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar.
Recurring Characters: Mace.
How to temper homicidal urges.
Michael J. Fox’s Monologue
Michael J. Fox’s Monologue
…..Michael J. Fox
Doc…..Kevin Nealon
Michael After The Show…..Dana Carvey
…..Lorne Michaels
Michael A Week Earlier…..David Spade
Michael J. Fox: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Listen, we’ve got a great show tonight, the Black Crowes are here! You know, they’ve been after me to host the show for a long time now.. and now that I’ve finally agreed to do it, it’s really great to be here. I guess, I’m kind of on top of the world, you know? I’ve got this new movie out, it’s called “The Hard Way”, it’s pretty good.. I mean, I don’t want to sound immodest, or anything.. but it’s really raking it in, you know? I don’t know.. I guess you could say it’s making so much money, it would be hard to weigh it! [ laughs ] You know? Hard to weigh? Hard.. weigh-eigh-eigh..
[ rear doors open, as Doc Brown and Michael After The Show rush in ]
Doc: Michael! Michael! Don’t do it!
Michael J. Fox: Wait a minute.. wait a minute.. Doc, what are you donig here!
Doc: Michael, you can’t do the show! Michael, come here – tell him!
Michael After The Show: Michael, we came to stop you, man..
Michael J. Fox: Wait a minute! Who the hell are you!
Michael After The Show: I’m you! I’m Michael J. Fox! I just came from 90 minutes in the future! The show’s a complete dud!
Michael J. Fox: Wait a minute.. whoa, whoa, whoa.. what do you mean? What do you mean? It’s gonna be a great show!
Michael After The Show: Michael, did you hear that last joke? It bombed!
Michael J. Fox: Alright, okay, alright.. but how about my next joke?
Doc: Oh, that bombs, too!
Michael J. Fox: No, no, no, it’s great!
Doc: Well, try it!
Michael J. Fox: Alright. Okay, here goes.. I’m also excited, because tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day.. and maybe, instead of saying “Top o’ the morning to ya”, I can say something like, “Top o’ the evening to ya!”
Doc: [ sullen ] And that’s the best joke you’ve got!
Michael J. Fox: [ sighs ] Doc, Doc, Doc.. you gotta help me!
Doc: Come on, Michael! There’s no time to lose!
Michael J. Fox: Where are we going?
Doc: We’ve gotta go back! Alright? We’ve gotta go back and stop you before you host the show! Come on!
[ the three of them run off the stage ]
[ dissolve to DeLorean flying away from outside 30 Rock, then reappearing there a week earlier ]
[ cut to Lorne Michaels’ office ]
Michael A Week Earlier: Lorne, look.. I don’t want to cause any trouble.. but that “Top o the Evening” joke, I mean.. is that funny?
Lorne Michaels: [ laughing ] Michael, we’ve been doing this for 16 years!
[ Doc and the two Michaels run into the office ]
Michael A Week Earlier: Hey, Doc! What’s going on here, Doc?
Doc: We got here just in time! you can still back out!
Lorne Michaels: Who are you people?
Michael J. Fox: I’m.. I’m Michael.. six days from now..
Michael After The Show: Yeah.. and I’m Michael after he does the show – he bombed!
Michael A Week Earlier: [ worried ] Hey, hey, what’s this? I bombed..?
Michael After The Show: Yeah, bad. Look how it ages you!
Michael A Week Earlier: Oh, ho, geez.. wait.. wait a minute, uh.. I gotta get out of here..!
Lorne Michaels: Wait. Look, I don’t care which of you does the show, but if you back out, I don’t know what I’m gonna do with this gigantic bag of money. [ pulls gigantic bag of money onto desk ]
Michaels: [ swaying ] Whoa-oa-oa-oa..
Lorne Michaels: It’s more than you got for that Diet Pepsi ad.
Michael J. Fox: Alright.. never mind! Let’s roll! Let’s roll! Let’s roll!
[ Doc and the three Michaels run out of Lorne’s office ]
[ dissolve to DeLorean flying away from outside 30 Rock, then reappearing back in the present ]
[ dissolve to the three Michaels back on stage ]
Michaels: We’ve got a great show! Black Crowes are here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!
SNL Transcripts: Michael J. Fox: 03/16/91: Central High Class Reunion
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 16: Episode 15
90o: Michael J. Fox / Black Crowes
Central High Class Reunion
Ronnie Stilson…..Michael J. Fox
Mike…..Mike Myers
Nick DeCaesar…..Kevin Nealon
Cindy Plank…..Victoria Jackson
Brian Grady…..Dana Carvey
Band Member…..Adam Sandler
[Song plays Celebrate Good Times, sign reads We Welcome Central High Class of 1981 to the Blue Room- 8 PM]
Ronnie: I cant believe how much everybodys changed.
Mike: Oh man, a 10 year reunion already, wow that went fast, you know. Hey I better go find my wife, ok? Look, stop by ok?
Ronnie: I will.
Mike: Great, see ya later.
Nick: Yo Ronnie Stilson, how ya been?
Ronnie: Hey . Nicky, Nicky!
Nick: Yeah, how ya doin? You lookin good, you alright?
Ronnie: How you doin, you alright?
Nick: Im doin good, yeah yeah, you doin alright?
Ronnie: Im alright.
Nick: Come here you goobma, you ok?
Ronnie: Yeah Im great.
Nick: Yeah of course youre great.
Ronnie: Its weird you know, Im seein everybody how much theyve changed.
Nick: Yeah yea I know. Forget about them, how are YOU doin?
Ronnie: Me, Im good, thank you.Nick: Listen to this guy, Im good, of course youre good, and you were good to me too, remember in high school, I had a little thing for that chick, Anita Simon, and she wouldnt give me the time of day, and you told me, forget about her. You said there were plenty of fish out there, remember?
Ronnie: Yeah yeah.
Nick: How you doin, you lookin good, lookin good, you workin?
Ronnie: Yeah Im workin over at Sakorski Aircraft.
Nick: Oh yeah sure, sure. You like it over there?
Ronnie: Work is work, you know. Actually I got a little run in with my foreman today.
Nick: Woah woah woah! You got a little run in with your foreman?
Ronnie: Yeah it was no big deal.
Nick: And what is this foremans name?
Ronnie: What, my foreman?
Nick: Yeah what is his name?
Ronnie: Dan, Dan Damurski.
Nick: Ok thats all I need to know, Ill take care of it.
Ronnie: Wait a minute, what do you mean youll take care of it?
Nick: I will take care of it, thats all you need to know, end of discussion, alright? Ronnie, lookin good! I see by your ring that youre married, are you happy?
Ronnie: Uh actually to be honest with ya, Im going through a divorce right now.
Nick: Holy jeez, not you.
Ronnie: Yeah its gettin pretty messy too, our lawyer is taking me to the cleaners.
Nick: Uh huh, I see, and what is the name of this lawyer? I may know him.
Ronnie: Well I believe his name is Sam Frick.
Nick: Who?
Ronnie: Frick, Sam Frick.
Nick: Sam Frick, ok thats all I need to know, Ill take care of it.
Ronnie: Wait no no no, Nick.
Nick: No Ill take care of it, consider it done. Look I dont know you, you dont know me, we never spoke, alright? End of story! Alright! Lookin good Cindy! Cindy Plwank!
Cindy: Hi Nick the Scissor!
Nick: How ya doin? You lookin good, lookin good.
Cindy: Thank you.
Nick: I hear youre a mother now, huh? That must be something right?
Cindy: Oh, dont let anyone tell you its easy.
Nick: Why, whats the problem? Talk to me.
Cindy: Well my oldest child Eric had to stay after school today, and he felt really hurt about it.
Nick: Woah woah woah, let me understand this. One of the teachers kept your child after school?
Cindy: Yeah.
Nick: Uh huh, and what might be the name of this individual who did this to your child?
[Ronnie motioning with his hand to Cindy behind Nickys back, trying to get her to stop talking to Nicky]
Cindy: The name?
Nick: Yeah.
Cindy: Ms. Flanders.
Nick: Ms. Flanders, thats all I need to know, Ill take care of it, alright? Ill take care of it, listen to me, consider it done alright? I dont know you, you dont know me, we never spoke, I never saw you in my life.
Brian: Hey Ronnie! Long time no see, how ya doin?
Ronnie: Good, good.
Nick: Brian Grady! Yo, give me a hug, come here you! [Nicky gives hug, while Brian is confused, reluctant to hug] How you been? You look good!
Brian: Nick Ok so Ronnie its good to see ya, you still a big Mets fan?
Ronnie: No not really, not since Daryl Strawberry went to the Dodgers.
Brian: Yeah yeah.
Nick: Woah, who let you down?
Ronnie: Nobody.
Brian: Daryl Strawberry let us both down.
Nick: Alright thats all I need to know.
Brian: Whats that?
Nick: This guy, Daryl Strawberry, he let you both down, thats all I need to know, Ill take care of it, alright? Say no more.
Brian: Relax, relax.
Nick: I am relaxed, believe me I am very relaxed.
Brian: So listen Ronnie, Patti tells me you almost won the Twilight League Bowling Tournament, but your partner blew it or something?
Ronnie: No! [motioning with hand, signaling to Brian to drop the subject]
Nick: Whats that? Somebody blew something for somebody, whos this?
Brian: Oh, well Ronnies bowling partner blew the tournament for him.
Nick: Oh, uh huh.
Brian: Oh my God, Mr. Jeffers, gotta go. See ya later.
Nick: Ronnie, Ronnie come here, now tell me Ronnie who is this bowling partner of your that couldnt carry his share of the weight?
Ronnie: It was nobody really, doesnt even bother me.
Nick: No Im just curious, who was it? I just wanna make sure you never bowl with him.
Ronnie: I dont even remember his name.
Nick: Come on, tell me about this character, whatd he look like?
Ronnie: Well nobody, I dont know, ok. He looked like a heavier, older version of Treat Williams.
Nick: Treat Williams, ok thats all I need to know, I will take care of him, alright? Everything else good?
Ronnie: Great, great no complaints.
Nick: Youd tell me if everything wasnt great, correct? [adjusts Ronnies collar]
Ronnie: Absolutely.
Nick: Alright, you take care of yourself. [Slaps Ronnies cheeks, walks into ballroom]
Singer: [singing lyrics to slow dance song, playing guitar] You make a fine line, right there, Luciiiiillllle! Alright, thank you.
Nick: Pal, you got a second?
Singer: Sure.
Nick: Listen, I really appreciate you entertaining all my friends like this.
Singer: Oh no problem.
Nick: No Im serious, I appreciate it. Now what is this about this chick that left you high and dry?
Singer: What do you mean?
Nick: You know, the chick that left you with the crops in the field, and the children.
Singer: Oh the song Lucille?
Nick: Yeah Lucille, whod she leave you for?
Singer: Its just a song.
Nick: No no no I heard it, she left you, you had some bad times and some sad times?
Singer: Oh my friend, thats just a song by Kenny Rogers, Lucille its called.
Nick: Uh huh, and this Kenny Rogers is the putz who ran off with your old lady leaving you with the crops in the field?
Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
To me, boxing is like a ballet,
except there’s no music, no choreography
and the dancers hit each other.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
When the age of the Viking’s came to a close,
they must have sensed it.
Probably, they gathered together one evening,
slapped each other on the back and said, “Hey, good job.”
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle,
because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home
his face might burn up.
America’s Most Wanted: Former Child Stars
America’s Most Wanted: Former Child Stars
John Walsh…..Phil Hartman
Todd Bridges…..Chris Rock
Danny Bonaduce…..Michael J. Fox
Johnny Whittaker…..Kevin Nealon
Barry Livingston…..Mike Myers
Rodney Allen Rippy…..Tim Meadows
Barry Williams…..Adam Sandler
Mindy Cohn…..Chris Farley
Drew Barrymore…..Jan Hooks
Dana Plato…..Julia Sweeney
Uncle Charlie…..Dana Carvey
John Walsh: Good evening. I’m John Walsh in Los Angeles. Recent statistcs show, that despite the efforts of law enforcement agencies, crime is on the rise all across the nation. The cause for this increase can be traced to one single group. Tonight, we’ll examine this problem up-close on “America’s Most Wanted: Former Child Stars”.
[ show’s title graphic cues up ]
John Walsh: They earned our love as children; too often we trust them as adults. Last year, 20% of all crimes committed in the L.A. area were perpetrated by former child actors. The cast of “Diff’rent Strokes” alone was responsilbe for over 300 muggings and minor thefts. Just last week, Dana Plato, who potrayed Kimberly on that show, was arrested after allegedly holding up a local video store. However, local police have reason to believe that Plato may not have acted alone. Authorites say Plato may have been a dupe in a scheme concocted in this hotel in downtown Hollywood.
[ zoom in on hotel exterior; dissolve inside with SUPER: “Re-Enactment” ]
Inside, a group who had been meeting for months were finalizing plans for a three-month crime spree. Included in the group were: Plato’s co-star, seasoned criminal Todd Bridges; TV’s Danny Partidge, Danny Bonaduce, dangerously unbalanced and prone to fits of psychotic rage; his partner, from “Family Affair”, Johnny “Jodie” Whittaker; and, from “My Three Sons, Barry Livingston, known to the public as Ernie, the “brains” behind the group, who some authorites believe had a not inconsequential role in the shooting of Alabama Governor George Wallace. Also present: commercial actor Rodney Allen Rippy, now going under the name Rod Rippy; Barry Williams, formerly Greg Brady, now a vicious crossdressing cannibal; minding the door, Mindy Cohn, who played Natalie on “The Facts of Life”.
Todd Bridges: So when’s this meeting gonna start, man? I gotta go sell my blood at six!
Danny Bonaduce: Hey, come on, Bridges, give your fans a rest, alright?
Johnny Whittaker: [ laughing ] Good one, Danny!
Danny Bonaduce: Thanks, Jodie.
Johnny Whittaker: The name’s Johnny!
Danny Bonaduce: Yeah? Tell it to Mr. French.
[ Mindy Cohn opens the door to let Drew Barrymore in ]
Drew Barrymore: What the hell are these blinds doin’ open for? You want somebody to recognize us?!
John Walsh V/O: It was Drew Barrymore. Although the youngest at age 14, Barrymore’s vast experience, expertise and connections within the underworld, made her the acknowledged ringleader.
Drew Barrymore: [ summarizing ] Okay, the van turns left on Highland, and we’re out of there. Everyone got it?
Danny Bonaduce: Oh, Drew, relax, we’ve been pulling these jobs since you were doing “E.T.”
Drew Barrymore: Yeah.. I don’t remember.. The years between 5 and 7 are kind of blurred to me. Hey, Ernie! What about that “special project”, huh?
Barry Livingston: I’m so glad you asked, Ms. Barrymore! I give you Benadynemethacrolate – twice the potency of crack cocaine! Half the price..
Drew Barrymore: [ climbs into his lap ] Whooo, baby! You got me for a week!
Barry Livingston: You won’t last!!
[ Barry Williams twitches ]
Drew Barrymore: Okay.. let’s get back to tonight’s job. We still need a point man. How about you, Rippy!
Danny Bonaduce: Yeah, Rippy. You haven’t pulled anything since your last trip to the bathroom.
Johnny Whittaker: [ laughs ] Good one, Danny!
Danny Bonaduce: Shut up!!
Rodney Allen Rippy: Listen, Drew.. I can’t be there when he goes down – not this time. I got too much to lose! I’m in an audition tomorrow – I’ll be the voice of a Muppet Baby!
Drew Barrymore: But it’s your turn, man!
Rodney Allen Rippy: Please..
Mindy Cohn: DO IT, RIPPY!!!
Johnny Whittaker: Great, Rippy! Now you got Mindy mad!
Dana Plato: [ enters ] Sorry, I’m late, guys, I had a photo shoot!
Rodney Allen Rippy: Hey, what about Plato?
Drew Barrymore: Hey, Plato. You think you’re ready for a point job?
Dana Plato:Yeah, sure. If you guys will give me a chance!
Danny Bonaduce: Hey, hey, Rippy, you’re off the hook. Why don’t you go to Jack In The Box and celebrate?
Johnny Whittaker: [ laughing ] You’re so funny, Danny!
Danny Bonaduce: What do you mean, I’m funny?
Johnny Whittaker: You’re just funny! You make me laugh!
Danny Bonaduce: In what way am I funny?
Johnny Whittaker: I don’t know..
Danny Bonaduce: What, what, what.. do I say funny things? Do I look funny to you? How am I funny?
Johnny Whittaker: I don’t know.. you’re just funny..
Drew Barrymore: Come on, Danny, take it easy..
Danny Bonaduce: No, no, no, Drew. He thinks I’m funny! I want to know – how am I funny to you? What, am I clown to you? Do I amuse you? Answer me!
Johnny Whittaker: I don’t know! I don’t know!
Danny Bonaduce: Maybe this is funny!! [ stands up, shoots Johnny in the chest, killing him ] Huh? Is that funny!! That’s funny! Funny, funny, funny!
Uncle Charlie: [ rushing in ] Holy Smokes! What the hell’s all the racket in here!
John Walsh V/O: It was Uncle Charlie from “My Three Sons”. William Demerest, the group’s mentor and live-in maid.
Uncle Charlie: Oh, geez, Bonaduce! I go away for five minutes to make some stew, I come back I got a dead body messin’ up my clean floor, you stupid kid! Don’t you kids have a video store to hit, or something!
Drew Barrymore: Come on, let’s get out of here, let’s move it!
[ Michael J. Fox rushes into the room ]
Michael J. Fox: Hold on, you guys! This is wrong!
John Walsh V/O: It was Michael J. Fox. He heard about the gang from his former co-star Tina Yothers.
Michael J. Fox: Hey, hold on. What are you guys doing? You guys, you’re better than this, alright? I mean, you made people happy once, and you can do it again! Come on, what do you say?
Danny Bonaduce: What do I say? [ takes out gun, shoots Michael ] That’s what I say! [ shoots ] Take that, Alex! [ shoots ]
Michael J. Fox: [ stunned, drops to the floor ] Unh.. Mall-o-ry..?
Uncle Charlie: Oh, geez, Bonaduce, you wanna scrub this floor twice a day!
[ cut back to John Walsh ]
John Walsh: Since the taping of this re-enactment, authorities have determined that Michael J. Fox is in fact still alive and in no apparent harm. Also, William Demerest has reportedly been dead for 9 years. Still, the basic truth behind this report is inescapable: if you see any members of the Barrymore Gang, do not acknowledge them! Do not address them by their character names, for they are liable to go insane. And if you see Mindy Cohn, do not look her in the ey. She is unarmed, but police describe her as wild and unpredictable. Next week, the two Coreys, and Steve Urkel – Walking Time Bomb – on “America’s Most Wanted: Former Child Actors.”
The President’s Second Post-Gulf War Address
The President’s Second Post-Gulf War Address
President George Bush…..Dana Carvey
Speaker Foely…..Phil Hartman
Dan Quayle…..Michael J. Fox
Announcer: The Doorkeeper to the House will now introduce the President. [ introduction is made, as stock footage of President Bush entering plays ] The President has entered the House Chamber.. this will be his second address to a Joint session since the successful conclusion of Operation Desert Storm. The first speech went so well – some 20 standing ovations – that is was decided that a second speech could provide yet antoher morale boost to a nation in the midst of a recession. We have read a transcript of tonight’s address, and the President will refer to Operation Desert Storm many, many times. [ cut to Vice-President Quayle and Speaker Foley on stage ] Uh.. there is Vice-President Quayle and Speaker Foley, and.. uh.. there is the President, greeting them. I asked the Vice-President earlier if he’d heard rumors that he might be dropped from the ticket in ’92 for General Colin Powell, and the Vice-President said that he had not. And now, the Speaker will address.
Speaker Foley: Members of Congress, distinguished guests, the President of the United States.
[ standing ovation ]
President George Bush: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. [ applause dies down ] Operation.. Desert.. Storm!
[ standing ovation, including Quayle and Foley behind Bush ]
Three words that symbolize all that is great about America!
[ second standing ovation ]
And all that is great about our young Americans!
[ third standing ovation ]
You know, not so long ago, there were some who claimed that our country had lost its way.
[ Quayle inadvertently stands up to applaud, realizes his error, then sits ]
Well, my answer to them is Operation Desert Storm!
[ fourth standing ovation ]
Now, Operation Desert Storm..
[ hearing the cue, Quayle stands up to applaud, once again the only person standing ]
..has not solved all of America’s problems..
[ Quayle sits ]
But, surely, the nation that can mount an Operation Desert Storm..[ hearing the cue again, Quayle mistakenly stands to applaud, hesitant to sit back down ]
..that nation can solve any problem!
[ Quayle sits, as everyone in the House stands to applaud; as everyone sits, Quayle stands up to become the only one applauding; Bush turns around to give a curious look, as Speaker Foley gives Quayle the evil eye to sit down ]
That is the real lesson of Operation Desert Storm.
[ applause, but Speaker Foly signals Quayle not to stand ]
That the American people will never back down from tyranny.
[ Speaker Foley cues Quayle to stand and applaud with everyone else in the House ]
Now, there are those who say that Operation Desert Storm..
[ Speaker Foley extends his arm to hold down Quayle so he won’t stand to applaud ]
..is a triumph for George Bush.
[ Speaker Foley okays Quayle to stand and applaud with the House ]
No, no, no, no! But if Operation Desert Storm was a success, it’s really due to the efforts of men like General Norman Schwartzkoff..
[ applause, no standing ]
..Secretary of Defense Dick Cheney..
[ applause, no standing ]
Secretary of State Jim Baker..
[ applause, no standing ]
..my Vice-President Dan Quayle..
[ no applause ]
..and most of all, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Colin Powell!
[ Speaker Foley signals Quayle to join the standing ovation of Powell ]
Vice-President Quayle: Bravo! Whoo-hoo! Bravo!
[ everyone ceases applauding and sits down again ]
President George Bush: Well, who knows, you know? Maybe, not so long from now, Colin will be standing right here, the first black American to grace a major party ticket, and the first black president of the United States of America!
[ Quayle stands to applaud, as does everyone else in the House, surprising Speaker Foley ]
Vice-President Quayle: Pow-ell! Pow-ell! Pow-ell! Pow-ell!
[ the House ceases its applause, but this doesn’t faze Quayle ]
Vice-President Quayle: Pow-ell! Pow-ell! Pow-ell! Pow-ell! Pow-ell! Pow-..
[ stops, as President Bush gives him a strange look ]
President George Bush: Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiighttt!
SNL Transcripts: Michael J. Fox: 03/16/91
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
March 16th, 1991
Michael J. Fox
Black Crowes
None
Black Crowes, “She Talks to Angels”
Recurring Characters: President George Bush, Dan Quayle.
(Repeat) See: 11/10/90.
Taking a dog on the Space Shuttle.
Recurring Characters: Stuart Smalley.
the end of the Viking age.
How boxing and ballet are similar.